The Poison of Lust
Since I have recently been sharing specific chains I wrestle with in my life, I thought it would be a good time to focus in on one of them that I struggled with a majority of my life, (yes, even as a pre-teen): LUST.
I was taught in church early on that sex was meant for marriage & was taught this in such a way that it strongly discouraged me from considering sex as a youth.
While I appreciate not having had that particular baggage going into my marriage, I wish this topic had been expanded on a little better, because it left some loopholes that set me up for some addictions I have struggled to shake off my whole life.
Scars of Addiction
Because sex before/outside of marriage was so strongly discouraged at church, as is God’s design, I experienced little of the scars that inevitably arise as a result of disregarding God’s design… scars that so many of my friends have since confided in me about.
But I was not immune to scars from a different source: the growing addiction to fantasies & lust.
I, as human, struggle with a sin nature. I may have accepted Jesus saving me when I was pretty young, but I still struggled: spirit against flesh.
The Righteous Façade
And because I misunderstood God’s character to be all about rules as a Christian, versus His handing us His DESIGNED Truth in the Bible, I grew up pretty “moral” (on the outside).
I learned quickly how to appease parents & Sunday school teachers & church friends by adapting to what was considering “right” behavior… & as long as I felt I displayed that “right” character well enough, I thought my inner thoughts didn’t matter too much.
The Secret Struggle
Lust has always been a weak point for me & Satan knew it. He also knew that I incorrectly viewed righteousness by God’s design as “acting like a good person”, making me vulnerable to other attacks of temptation to do things that seemed “less wrong.”
Much like many American women, I secretly struggled against lust.
Many women indulge in pornography & erotica, but little is talked about it.
That was not my particular battle, since both were strongly warned against by my parents at a young age, but instead, I created my own in my mind, using imaginary people in my imaginings… thinking that made it completely okay & following all the right rules before God.
I was wrong.
Matthew 5:27-28 may have been addressing men, but it applies to women as well when it says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
God Knows. God Loves. God Commands–For Our Good
I had been wanting a loophole & Satan gladly provided me with one.
But this “loophole” wasn’t really a loophole at all, because God is not a God of, “JUST MAKE SURE YOU FOLLOW ALL MY RULES IF YOU WANT ME TO ACCEPT YOU!!!” But rather, “I gave you these rules because I know literally EVERYTHING, because I designed EVERYTHING & I know perfectly the best design for how EVERYTHING works best. AND I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN EVER COMPREHEND.”
In other words, did my loophole hurt God’s heart? Yes. Was it a sin against Him? Yes.
It hurts Him because He gave the command FOR MY GOOD & when I don’t trust Him & obey it, I will always end up getting hurt AND hurting others, & He knows it!
How “Innocent” Lust Hurt Me
So, that “loophole” I had roped myself into of not sleeping around & not lusting after actual people… that “loophole” I thought would protect me… DIDN’T. I still got hurt.
It taught & gave me unhealthy standards of love.
It made me think sex was all about the physical & not SO MUCH MORE.
It made me think it was a means to an end, versus an intimacy-growing experience with my husband.
It made me insecure, like maybe my own husband just saw me as a means to an end, versus a wife he cherished & adored.
It made me unable to relax because it wasn’t fake AKA perfectly catered directly to everything I wanted in every way & at every moment.
It left me dissatisfied & disappointed when I had the real thing available with my husband.
It left me addicted. I realized later that because of that 25+ year addiction, I really did struggle not viewing my husband as a means to an end in that area of our marriage, versus the one I truly cherish & adore.
It was a thorn in our marriage that lasted for a big chunk of it so far & I didn’t even realize it was the cause!
God Knew. God Forgave. God Healed.
And God knew all that. He knew the effects of some sin was so subtle that I may not even notice how it was hurting me, but that it WOULD hurt me. So He, in His all-knowing wisdom, TOLD ME (us) NOT TO DO IT.
I wrongly thought it was innocent.
I thought my thoughts were just my thoughts & therefore harmless.
I thought I was alone with my thoughts & that they couldn’t hurt anyone else.
But God knew they were hurting me & as extension, hurting my husband, even if I couldn’t see that they were.
Don’t Turn a Blind Eye to Sin
God had told me “NO.” And I did it anyway because I thought I had found a loophole.
Ladies, the “loophole” is not worth it.
The romance novels… the pornography… the erotica… the fantasies you make up in your own mind… even if they’re not real people… whatever it is you go to… it’s NOT worth it.
It may be easy to justify that “but it’s not sex,” but God doesn’t just warn us about & tell us not to indulge in sex outside of marriage, but also SEXUAL IMMORALITY.
God Can Help You Find Victory to Break the Chains & to HEAL
God also tells us He can help us escape temptation if we are willing to submit & turn to Him for help rather than clinging to our sin & pushing His help aside.
His way is best. Always. 100%.
It’s not about Him trying to be right. He just IS right.
He is not puffed up & trying to show you He’s a know-it-all. He just IS. He literally DOES know it ALL.
So, when He says His THOU SHALT NOTs in the Bible, it’s REALLY Him saying, “I designed & created this world. I know your weaknesses & your vulnerabilities. I know what will hurt you or benefit you. I know EVERYTHING because I existed before time itself. And knowing everything, I sent My Word to be written by men, but inspired by Me, so that YOU would ALSO know how to rest in my loving guidance in all things. All you have to do is trust Me… & obey.”
Why do we fight it? Why do I fight it?
He is always right.
He always knows & He always knows best.
My Prayer Over LUST
“Lord, thank You for revealing this sin in my heart through these past couple of years. Thank You for shining light on it & exposing my actions for what they are: SIN. Please forgive me. Forgive me for excusing it away & justifying it through my “good intentions” & desire to display “good moral behavior.” I didn’t want to listen to You starting back all those years ago as a pre-teen. I was selfish. I was arrogant to think You didn’t know my heart’s true condition. You knew I was just searching for a way to look like a good person while still getting away with whatever I wanted. And now I am wounded & have needed Your healing power & wisdom to heal the wounds on my marriage from this cancer growing within it. Thank You for all of the progress You have made happen as I walk with You through it these last couple of years. Thank You for the healing You have given me in this area undoing the damage I inflicted on myself by choosing my way versus Yours for so many years. Help me keep fighting with Your strength. Break those chains. Thank You for the victory You have been giving me in this area over the last year, as You’ve been exposing my sin to me & helping me weed it out of my life. I know I still fail at times, but I see You working in me to build a defense against it the more & more I lean into You through it. Thank You that You care about my marriage & the intimacy that is unique within a marriage. You are a beautiful Master Designer. Help me cling to that masterpiece of a design & to reject anything else that threatens it. Your way or bust. Thank You for helping me & for being so loving & patient with me every step of the way. I love You, always, because You first loved me. AMEN.”
Shine HOPE by kicking the excuses out, (kung fu style), & by clinging to God’s design instead, receiving His help & healing every step of the way!
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