A Hardening Heart Toward God

If I’m completely honest with you, I have noticed my heart hardening toward God over the last year or so.

It’s not that I don’t pray. I still read my Bible before bed every night. I go to Bible Study with other ladies. I keep up with my blog to honor Him even on days I’d rather be lazy.

I still see Him work in my life. I still ask for His help. I still feel Him near me, caring for me… even when I fail… a lot.

But I have grown cold. Selfish. Hard-hearted. Coveting of spending time the way I want or eating what I want or staying in the bubble of my comfort zone… Living my life for me… & not for Him.

I see it. I feel it. And yet, I don’t want to change it.

I Need to Diligently Spend More Time with Him & Seek after Him

There’s even a nudging on my heart as to the cause of it… a beckoning & a welcoming whisper to the security, safety, peace, & joy I felt when I spent more time with Him. In fact, the more time I spent talking with Him & seeking Him through reading & studying the Bible, the more those things seemed to define the state of my heart.

And I know I need more of it. I know my lack of pursuit of Him is what is slowly draining the joy & peace & eagerness out of my heart.

I need to seek Him more. I need to submit my heart to Him & spend time in His presence, through prayer & reading His Word, the Bible. I need to make HIM my daily focus… Not Me.

But I don’t want to do anything about it.

When My Life Is All about Me & Not about Jesus

It makes me feel ashamed even to admit it out loud that I have started to make my life more about me & not so much about Him.

Consider my anxieties that flooded my life when I heard we’re moving next month. Or the anxiety I feel when I think someone might ask something of me that may take away from my preferred use of free time.

Selfishness has begun to replace a pursuit of holiness.

Those anxieties should have been replaced by humbled willingness to see how they can be used to shine His light & honor & please Him, but all I could think about was the hassle & not having things go my way.

And I know it. And I feel no desire to change it, even though my heart aches & pleads for me to do so, to redeem the heart of peace & joy & love I felt when I did pursue Him more.

I Would Rather Have Hard Times with Him

I feel like the only way God is going to get through to me again is by letting me go through something hard. I feel trapped by the sinful, selfish hard-heartedness I seem to be clinging to.

It’s true that going through hard things is, well, hard. But if it gets my attention back on what matters & shakes me out of this selfish pattern of self-destruction, then I welcome it.

I wish I could recognize that reality, allow that to be all I need, & change course before it happens so I can experience that joy again without the trial first, but I just don’t want to change & I would rather hurt facing a hard lesson & readjust, than keep on this trajectory of self-absorbed destruction.

A Prayer of Repentance

“Lord, forgive me. I am so selfish & self-absorbed. I want my life to be about me, where I am the main character & everything happens to benefit or please me. I want everything to go my way & be comfortable. I don’t want things in my life that don’t cultivate comfort for me. Please forgive me. I don’t know why You even put up with me at this point. How many times must I learn this lesson? How many times do I need to be reminded that You are beyond worth losing literally any & everything? Why must I always cycle back to needing this lesson again & again? I don’t understand Your level of patience & forgiveness & grace & love. I must have long ago used up my ‘deserved’ amount. Please forgive me. Help me find my way back to the peace & joy & eagerness to pursue You in everything I do. Forgive me for making ME the main character, when the main character is, was, & always will be You. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”

Shine HOPE by trusting that God will continue to pursue you, even when you stop pursuing Him, & by knowing you can always turn around back to Him & find Him waiting with open arms.…

Don’t hesitate to run into those arms.

Coming Next Week

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Journey Backpack

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