I Crave Affirmation & THIS Is My Gifting??
Have I established well enough that I don’t particularly enjoy being uncomfortable? (Understatement alert!) That I like when people like me? That I don’t like doing anything that might prevent the words of affirmation I so crave from others?
Recently, God helped me hone in on & define more succinctly one of the grandest purposes in my spiritual gifting: to break up fallow ground. (Jeremiah 4:3-4)
If you do a quick internet search on fallow ground, it shows that it is untilled, unused land. If land is untilled, that means it has been packed down & hardened, making it pretty difficult to sow seeds for new growth.
And this seems to be one of the key purposes of my spiritual gift–to break up fallow ground in people’s hearts. And trust me, it does NOT always stir up a desire for others to offer me words of affirmation.
Why ME, God?
To have me be a woman (men don’t always receive well God’s direction from a woman), who struggles with depression (& who craves affirmation), AND to also give me this spiritual gift just seems mean.
I know God isn’t mean & I know God doesn’t make mistakes, but it just would not be the gifting I would have chosen for myself. Don’t get me wrong, this gifting, while being sometimes seemingly unbearable, has also been one of the greatest blessings in my life… but hard is hard… & I don’t like hard.
What Does It Mean?
So, what does it mean for ME to break up fallow ground as part of my gifting?
(By the way, a spiritual gift is a particular gifting God gives you when you surrender your sins to God for forgiveness through accepting Jesus paying your own debt to God.)
I have mentioned before that I see things in black & white, where some see gray. (See my mention of this in my recent post: “Is Life a Big ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ Story?”) This doesn’t mean I am militant in my “THOU SHALT NOT”s, but rather that God has particularly gifted me to see the excuses, justifications, intentional or unintentional ignorance when it comes to those gray areas… in other words, there is no gray area for any INDIVIDUAL.
God doesn’t leave it up to us to GUESS… He guides us through the Holy Spirit, whether it’s situational, temporary avoidance of something not expressly forbidden in the Bible for the sake of another person you may or may not realize may struggle… or whether it’s a weak point for you & you may or may not recognize it… or whether you feel conflicted about it, but can’t find proof it’s wrong, so you want to move forward with it (warning: don’t! Romans 14:23). The Holy Spirit is a faithful & sure guide.
This insight is part of it. Helping others recognize something for what it is so they can take a personal inventory of such things & be convicted to turn those over to God versus avoiding or ignoring them because it makes them uncomfortable to confront it.
Sometimes I Am Tempted to Keep Silent…
I don’t always like this discernment into other’s good intentions versus God’s leading, to be quite frank. (Ever heard the phrase: “Don’t shoot the messenger?”) Whether it’s an inner, personal conviction, or whether it means standing up & speaking the truth when no one seems to be either willing or interested in doing so—going against the grain. I want to be liked!
So, if I ever speak something to you that just cuts deep into something you have been wrestling with & you feel that disdain for my presence & you wish I would just keep my mouth shut & mind my own business because you want to leave that fallow ground well enough alone or maybe even deny that it is fallow altogether… trust me, I want the same!
If that ever happens, most likely I had just spent 5-10 minutes (or days) wrestling with God on how He could possibly address it without me being involved, (or maybe AT LEAST that He would give me words that would make you not hate me for saying it) before I ever said a word out loud!
I Can’t Block Out His Prompting, No Matter How Badly I Want to Sometimes…
But, rarely can I ignore the prodding, as if a weight were placed on my shoulder & a gentle, loving voice whispers over my soul: “Speak now. You need to speak now,” while I shuffle in my seat uncomfortably trying to find a way to honor God & NOT speak now.
He always wins because He rarely lets me rest until I obey, like the restless Jonah that tried to run (literally) from God’s command to him.
I Never Know How Someone Will Respond to God’s Prompting Me to Speak Up
Sometimes I am humbly & graciously thanked for being willing to speak God’s Truth into their heart even if it must be uncomfortable (it is!) but sometimes I get glares & defensive responses & they take their frustration out on me, sometimes even going as far as telling their friends things to the tune of me being a stuck up, know-it-all, arrogant, self-righteous snob.
Slander hurts, folks. Slander hurts.
But I get it. I SOOOO get it. Because I don’t always want to listen to His love-generated tender convictions either. My flesh rears up. I defend. I feel threatened. I feel called out & embarrassed & defensive. I don’t like when God reveals an area of fallow ground in me. I don’t like it one bit.
So I get it. I really do.
Sometimes It Feels Like a Blessing AND a Curse…
I call my gifting a blessing & a curse because when someone is willing to receive how God wants to speak into a particular situation, it is a testimony of how wise, all-knowing, & fiercely determined to love us no matter the cost He is. But sometimes people hate me for it (or at least dislike me) & call me names & budding friendships turn to avoidance & sideways glances & whispers.
But, living my mission-to break up fallow ground, sometimes in a “but does it have to be this way? Please let there be another way! Use someone else here!” whine, I most likely will finally relent with a “Okay, I get it… it’s me… now… no matter how uncomfortable this makes me right now & no matter the risk… You have called me, so give me the words & please give me the courage!”
What an honor it is to see the heart of God… to be able to speak life-giving, God-given TRUTH to people as God leads it. What an immeasurable blessing it is to be called to break up the fallow ground in the hearts I come across… when they are willing to receive it & when I am willing to speak the truth in love. (Ephesians 4:15)
My Plea for You… If Something I Say Ever Offends You
You don’t need to be upset with me, because most likely, I am feeling the conviction brought by my words just as much as you are… You don’t answer to me… You don’t owe any explanation to me… My opinion in the issue doesn’t matter one bit.
You don’t have anything you need to prove to me. I am just as much human as you are.
But let me share a plea with you. If I say something that offends you because it challenges something you grew up always believing… or excusing… or justifying… or ignoring… or ignorant of… when you are tempted to shut me out & close the door on me moving forward… fine… okay…. (I would rather be shunned than either disobey God’s call or miss a chance for you to see God bring fruit to an area of your life laying stagnant or hardened)
BUT PLEASE promise me that you will AT LEAST PRAY about whatever I said that makes you feel defensive or angry. Ask GOD for HIS opinion.
Let God Decide… Not You… Nor Me… HIM
Say, “God, that’s not true, is it? I’m not doing that! I’m not making excuses! You know my intentions here, no matter what Michelle says…. But…. (sigh) If I’m wrong somewhere here God, or if I missed something, or if You are trying to show me something here through what she said… help me be willing to hear it. Regardless of what I may not believe from her, if it is from You, I want to know. Confirm to me what Your will is in this, even if it clashes with what I understand or want to believe here… YOU show me. YOU teach me. YOU guide me. Let me be willing to hear Your opinion in this & to have it overshadow & overrule my own, no matter how uncomfortable the thought of it feels to me right now. Help me be willing to trust You more than myself if I am wrong… show me Your will in this. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”
Because you don’t owe me any explanation. You don’t owe me anything. If I am wrong, then I am wrong, but if there is even a SLIM chance that God is trying to break up a piece of fallow ground in your heart… you take that to Him & ask Him for His will over your own.
Not you. Not me. HIM.
Living My Mission-To Break Up Fallow Ground
Living my mission to break up fallow ground isn’t easy. It’s sometimes a battle of my will & flesh, wanting likes & comfort more than a ready obedience to God… sometimes it’s fear instead of faith leading my heart when God directs me… but every time, if it’s God leading me, I can be 100% sure it’s for His glory & their good. Every time.
Because that is the God we serve. He IS love. (1 John 4:8)
Shine HOPE by living God’s call in your own life & by being willing to be obedient to His leading, even if it means bowing your will to His & asking for His help in even that.
He knows what He is doing all the time. And He is Good. Praise GOD.
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Festive Finch Ornament Duo (Nepal)
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