When Everything Is Just Blank…
I am sitting at my computer just feeling completely blank. I have tried to think of what to say, have started typing several times on topics in the back of my mind… but nothing seems to stick. Nothing seems quite right… & so then it gets deleted.
So, I guess I am just going to start typing & see where God takes it today.
Feeling Tired. Feeling Numb.
My depression is a funny animal. Some days I feel pretty okay, some I thrive… but some days (like today) just feel like I am dragging. Everything feels hard.
It might also have something to do with the consistently choppy sleep I have been getting recently. So part of it is quite possibly just being plain tired. But I feel sort of numb, too, like I just don’t really care about much of anything.
Feeling this way makes it hard to do much of anything. I just want to glaze over & get through the day so I can try again tomorrow… or maybe next week. That’s just me being honest. I know sometimes I sound like a broken record when I have these days & talk about it, but the alternative is plastering on a fake smile & forcing out a cheery tone to make everyone else feel better about me not feeling better… but then I just feel like a fake & like what’s the point?
Quitting Just Makes It Worse
But I also don’t want to waste away my day, letting those feelings of blah win, because honestly, enough of those sorts of days piled up makes me feel defeated & they just seem to compound over time, sparking the feeling that my life is just one big waste. (Not a rabbit hole I want to go down again.)
So, that’s not really an option either.
Then what do I do? I’ve got nothin’. I feel blah. I just want to not bother because bothering just seems an added hard to the already existing hard.
Well, surprise, surprise… I go back to my old friend “Surrender.” And here we go again.
God Knows & God’s Enough
“God, I don’t understand why I’m not sleeping… why everything has to feel so hard so often. I feel like I struggle more than most people & that everyone is probably sick of hearing about it by now… so why do You allow it to keep happening? And why do I have to keep writing about how weak I am? I don’t understand why so many things keep me awake lately. I feel like I took sleep for granted & now I never seem to get enough of it. I feel like I’m drifting. I feel bored with & am numbing to life sometimes lately because everything seems grayscale. I crave color. I want to do great things for You, but then I feel like I am obviously not strong enough for it. I get it… I’m not enough. My humanness glares at me in times like this & it is so uncomfortable. I really hate it sometimes. Maybe that’s why You allow it? So I learn it’s not me I need to be trying to count on anyway, but You? I know I need to be better at that for sure. I’m sorry for craving self-sufficiency, for trying to fix it myself… instead of allowing it to be an opportunity to cry out to You as my help. Please forgive me. I like feeling strong & capable, but please teach me that You really are my Enough. Please be my Enough. Help me to somehow give You glory when all I feel like I want to be is a grumbling, grumpy, give-up quitter. Forgive me for thinking I have to have my strength & control back in order to be something or do anything of value for You. You are Enough. Be my Enough. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.”
Am I the Only One Who Feels So Weak So Often?
I don’t know if you ever feel like that? Or if it’s just me?
But boy am I NOT a fan.
But today, & hopefully every day following… I want to force myself to choose surrender & let God take my NOT ENOUGH & make it into something because HE IS ENOUGH.
Shine HOPE by making sure you remember that, too. Amen.
Coming Next Week
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Rosa Bracelet (Guatemala)
Using traditional Guatemalan beading techniques, Artisans handcraft this feminine and romantic adjustable Rosa Bracelet to create a beautiful chain of petite purple diamonds with silver accents. Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages for women in areas of extreme poverty in Guatemala.
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