BLEH
I don’t want to write today. My hip is hurting & no matter which chair I try–nothing feels good sitting down.
I’m also feeling a complete mind blank. I keep trying to start typing & then my mind just goes NOPE.
Plus, the numbing & physical ANGST I am experiencing from not immediately just running to addictive coping mechanisms is a STRUGGLE. No one ever said re-routing to better help would be easy, but I know it will be 100% worth it to find my rest in Him versus a constant marathon of trying to outrun my depression symptoms for the rest of my life.
And every morning lately is a struggle. I think I’m just not sleeping soundly, or not getting enough sleep. And while I AM sleeping lately (thank You, God, for SLEEP!), I still feel like I wake up every morning groggy & squeezing my eyes shut in an “ALREADY?!” type of frustrated, defeated cry from my heart, wishing my alarm clock was lying & I still had a couple hours left to squeeze out more sleep.
The Good, the Bad, & the UGLY
And right now, lounging on the couch, trying very uncomfortably to type this way (cue aching wrists soon) because my hip hurts ANY way I sit down… well, I just want to sigh & say, “Well, I tried” & close my computer screen & be DONE.
Why write today? What’s the point? How can I encourage & build up anyone up with this kind of attitude? And pain? When I care more about quitting?
And I get it. You may be thinking, “off days happen, Michelle. Cut yourself some slack, we understand.” And if you thought that, I THANK you for having that kind of grace.
But God has made it clear when I started this blog journey that He desired for me to show up on the good AND off days.
Consistent But NOT Fake? How?
You know what one of my delay reasons was before I launched my website? I didn’t want to be fake. And if I wasn’t going to be fake, how could I be consistent? The two seemed to contradict each other.
It’s sort of like working in customer service when you do anything ministry related. You feel this PRESSURE to always be ON for everyone… & if not, to fake it… to plaster on a big smile & say, “everything is great!” even on days when you feel anything but.
Part of it is pride &/or fear: “they may question my faith if I don’t show up with a smile & a ready answer to okay away my struggle.”
Part of it is maybe pressure to represent God well: “I don’t want them to think God isn’t enough!”
Be ready with a smile. Always. No matter what. That’s the feeling sometimes.
Pastors & their wives no doubt often get this pressure more than most anyone else. Pray for them & be kind & supportive where you can! It can be lonely (I have many friends who are pastors/pastor’s wives).
As Always, Pray
So, if God impresses upon me to be consistent, but also be authentic… the two seemed to clash significantly. How can I do both well? Lord knows my attitude isn’t always great… that I have to surrender my mornings an embarrassing amount of times in order to even BEGIN to feel ready to honor Him versus begrudging my entire day simply for keeping me away from more sleep.
And so, I literally began asking Him that very question as He was leading my heart about this website launch over 5 years ago. “God, I get it… I feel like You want me to do this. But how? You know my awful attitude some days. My depression symptoms? My fleshly pull to do what I want more some days? How in the world can I do this blog, be consistent, AND not become this smiley, always “ON” fake? That alone would depress me, feeling like I have to be a fake to everyone in order to keep it up EACH week. But if I’m real, some days I just don’t care or don’t feel like it AT ALL. How do I have both??? No, I wouldn’t make it. I would have to quit because it would be too much pressure… no one can be “on” 24/7 & not begin to struggle internally A LOT. What do You want from me? How do I do it? Please show me.”
It’s Not About Me Anyway!
His answer quite frankly caught me off guard. That it’s not about me showing up & proving I have it all together because “Christians are a step above the rest” (we’re not… we’re just human like everyone else) “because we have Jesus” (as if that means we never make mistakes or choose wrongly… it doesn’t).
No.
That it’s about showing up, no matter what state my heart is in that day, even if I’m a wretched, self-absorbed, self-centered grump… or even if I’m a weak, vulnerable, “falling apart at the seams” blob… to point to HIM in it ALL as MY HOPE.
To echo: “I am NOT PERFECT, but HE IS!”
To echo: “I SIN, but HE DOES NOT!”
To echo: “I am HUMAN, but HE IS GOD!”
To echo: “I am WEAK, but HE IS STRONG!”
To echo: “I am NOT worthy of praise or attention or glory, but HE IS WORTHY!”
Basically… it’s not about me anyway!
He Compels Me… He Leads Me… & He Works through Me WHEN I am WILLING to Submit My Insufficiencies & Failures for His All-Sufficiency & GLORY!
And so, even on UGLY days, when I would really rather just quit… Or hide my weakling self… Or cover up my less-than-attractive qualities… I will shout them from the rooftops. I will be real about it. I will show up even on my worst days when all I honestly want to do is complain & quit… & I will forever point to HIM as my only HOPE… as YOUR only hope.
That I NEED Him… EVERY day!
Guys, I am not deserving of any praise from you. Do you know how often I want to choose ME?
But, GOD.
He compels me. He leads me. He is sufficient for me.
And He is for you, too.
Despite & through Your Faults… NEVER to Excuse Them
I’m not saying all of this to be like, “Be YOU,” as if to excuse your bad attitudes or mine… those need to be repented of, to ask forgiveness of God for them… surrendered to Him.
But that even in your not great moments when you make the WRONG choice… sometimes ON PURPOSE… that you take ownership of that mistake, repent of it, & don’t hide it as if that somehow makes God look “better.”
No, show the world. Show the world your very real NEED of Him… of His daily GRACE.
Show the world that you’re not strong, that you choose wrongly sometimes… but that His grace is there to greet you the MOMENT you come to Him in humble repentance.
Show the world that you are NOT enough… but that HE IS.
Be real. Be honest. Be a display that no matter how WRETCHED we are found to be in our sin… no matter how WEAK we are in our flesh… GOD IS STRONG… GOD IS GRACE… GOD IS LOVE!
Don’t wait until you’re perfect to serve Him & to seek His glory. Because you never will be. You’re not Jesus.
Shine for Him on the Ugly Days, Too
Shine for Him on the ugly days, too. Bow the imperfections & bad attitudes to Him & ask Him to help you see how YOU can give Him glory JUST WHERE YOU ARE.
Because, to be honest… the reason we exist… is to GIVE GOD GLORY.
So, do that. Right where you are… even when you’re FAR less than perfect… like me today.
Shine HOPE by letting Him have your ALL—Even the bad parts. And by using those bad parts as opportunities to shine God’s GRACE, POWER, & LOVE to a world that needs Him so desperately much!
Shine HOPE.
Coming Next Week
Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.
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As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.
A Note from Michelle:
(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)
This blog/website has been running for almost FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3
If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3
Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!
Fashion as a Force for GOOD:
Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!
“Walter” the Bunny (Vietnam)
LIMITED EDITION – while supplies last! Cuddly, soft, and lovable, Walter the Bunny is charming, mini, fair-trade fun with his handsome blue bowtie and carrot accessory. Each bunny comes with an adorable carrot that is not attached to the bunny making it perfect for creative play! Artisans in Vietnam hand crochet each bunny with soft cotton-blend yarn and neutral gray, black, and blue colors that make this stuffed animal the perfect gift for any occasion or decor. Each huggable bunny is hand stuffed by visually impaired women in areas of extreme poverty.
Have you met Walter’s best friend, Mabel the Bunny? They make quite the pair! Every purchase of Walter or Mabel the Bunny provides fair-trade jobs for local women and villagers who are overcoming disabilities, homelessness, and extreme poverty in Vietnam.
How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:
SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!
Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!
Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!
