It’s So Easy to Try to Rely on Myself

I think it can be easy to look at someone like me, who has a public platform sharing the hope we have in Christ, & think I have it all together & am the primo example of a “good Christian.” Well, sorry to disappoint.

Here we are on Chapter 8, as we walk together through the story of my life, & all we’ll find here are more ways I found to rely on myself, after EVERYTHING I have already been through & shared with you. God is CONSTANTLY having to refine me & weed out & bring attention to areas where I either compromise or think it’s up to me & not up to Him.

This particular season in my life was no different.

I Thought the Dark Was Over

A few chapters ago, I talked about my depression spiral & the mercy from God that it ended up being for me… how much I have learned about depression & struggling with my emotions—either too many or not enough. (You can read about that in Chapter 3 or in “Understanding Depression with Discernment.”)

Well, to be honest, since it was such a huge pivot point in my life, I really just thought my deep depression in high school was merely a one-time teaching tool for that very specific lesson He taught me through it.

So, when it started to hit me again (read: TORMENT me again), it caught me completely off guard & I spiraled FAST.

The defeat I felt. “I already got through this! God already helped me through this! What is happening!?”

And talk about DARK.

Crying (& Screaming) Alone

I used to go to our community park, drive all the way to the secluded back of the lot (usually only occupied during ballgames)… & I would lock my doors, put the seat down, & SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS in anguish & pain until sobs took over & then numbness set in as I stared blankly ahead, wishing I could make the unreasonable, unrelenting emotional pain stop.

Seriously, it felt like pain was being lashed onto my emotions uncontrollably. Like deep gashes & razor slits over & over & over on my heart. Just constant, heart-wrenchingly debilitating PAIN just relentlessly terrorizing me.

It made no sense. It was maddening because it made no sense. I could see the trigger, logically reason that it wasn’t that big of a deal, but my emotional response was like you had killed someone I loved. It was ridiculous & agonizing how little sense it made... but the pain was very much real.

Satan Exploits Our Weakest Moments

Aside from the messed-up brain chemistry involved, it was undoubtedly an attack. Satan was trying to get me to quit God & give up on life. I could feel that oppression in my BONES.

In my car one such day, as I was trying to release some of the built-up oppressive pain I felt so much of the time, crying, rocking on my side whimpering, to screaming… I remember very clearly thinking, “Satan, I’m already saved. I’m already going to heaven. Nothing you can do can change that, so why are you messing with me? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!”

And I prayed. A LOT. I begged. I pleaded. I cried for rescue. I said, “Please God, please God. I can’t. Please help me. Please. I can’t. Please help me!”

God saw me… God heard me… God had a plan… but the pain continued.

God Is Bigger Than Anything Satan Can Do

This was more than just emotions outpouring from poorly regulated hormones/brain chemistry or whatnot. This was Satan seeing me weak & frail & kicking me repeatedly in the gut while I felt defenseless, trying to get me to renounce Christ & give up living.

Satan did not want me to shine HOPE. He wanted me to be a warning—to make an example of me.

But God is greater. God doesn’t give up on us. And God ALWAYS uses our hard for our good. He NEVER wastes our pain when we entrust Him with it.

God Promises Tribulation & Hardship in This Sin-Filled World… But He Also Promises He Is the Overcomer

I’m sorry I can’t be one of those, “if you honor God, everything will work out like a charm & life will be all rosy with rainbows & sparkles.” That would be a lie.

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

God actually promises tribulation. He promises hardship. He promises we will be hated for our faith, just as Jesus, in all His perfection, was hated even to death. (John 15:18-27)

So, no. It won’t be all butterflies & sunshine. We live in a world broken by sin. It will hurt sometimes. That’s just fact.

God IS Our Enough

BUT, God promises to BE our Enough IN it.

To give us wisdom when we ask. (James 1:5-6) To comfort us when we are weak. (2 Corinthians 1:4; Isaiah 41:10; Psalm 73:26) To be our rescue when we cry out to Him as our help. (2 Samuel 22:17-20; Psalm 107) To strengthen & enable us in our weaknesses. (Matthew 11:28-30) He IS our sufficiency. (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

IN it.

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.” (Psalm 34:17-18)

From Thinking about… to Planning… Suicide

Well, that was the first time in my life, in all the days in my high school depression years & then in that period of time, that my thinking about suicide turned into planning my suicide.

It felt like the ONLY way to make the relentless, terrorizing day & night PAIN STOP.

Heaven was something I craved SO DEEPLY because the pain of living was that intense & overwhelming. I wanted it to stop. I NEEDED it to stop. I wanted to DIE.

And that reality scared me so much. I prayed for rescue & God pushed me to confess to my mom my plans.

In high school, my expression of a need for help wasn’t really understood to be as desperate a plea as it was, so I was scared to confide & if misunderstood, what that would lead me to do in my desperation, but I obeyed God’s nudge to confide & so I went & I confessed my plans for suicide.

I Got Help

God used that obedience to lead my mom to urge me to call the advice nurse line & eventually get help by way of a wonderful psychologist who helped me understand my brain chemistry & patterns better so I could create healthier patterns & defenses to protect myself from falling prey to the lies my misfiring emotional terrors were telling me.

God used her knowledge of the human brain to help me understand & fight back.

I am so thankful for what I learned through that experience. Not being a victim anymore, but having tools to recognize where my brain was failing me so I wouldn’t so easily fall victim to Satan terrorizing me through that weakness.

The Lingering Stronghold… What I Went to Instead of GOD for Help

But through it all, one little problem remained.

Whenever I was struggling or feeling terrorized or emotionally hurt… I would listen to music that backed me up & made me feel validated. You know, things like, “you don’t deserve that!” or “you deserve better!” or “I wish someone loved me more” or whatever.

I think it’s because the intensity of my emotions felt like an avalanche that I couldn’t tame or understand or justify… it made me feel crazy & broken… so music that made me feel justified in it gave me some sense of security.

What I really needed was to be pouring truth into my heart, rather than just seeking validation for my feelings, I needed to be seeking God as my hope in it… I needed to lift my heart & my hurts to HIM.

I needed to be intentionally lifting my heart in worship to God, singing of His goodness & mercy & love & hope, pouring sweet truths over my heart while lifting up the one true God Who is deserving of my praise & worship… shifting my gaze from the terrors to the One who gives me HOPE.

Lifting my eyes above the waves. Focusing instead on HIM.

God Is My Comforter & My Hope

And God opened my eyes to this problem by leading me to read through Authentic Beauty, by Leslie Ludy, with my good friend.

After reading this book, the author directs you to download a PDF & encourages you to take old boyfriend notes, or anything else from your past or present that you are clinging to for security in place of the One true God, our Father, through Jesus Christ… & burn them. Get rid of them for good. Make it impossible to run back to them.

And one day, with my friend, we brought things we were clinging to as our “this proves I matter to someone” or “this makes me feel validated” items, we lit a fire on a grill at the park, we separately prayed through our PDF list, & we burned our items when we felt ready to surrender them in exchange for seeking hope in Him alone.

The freedom I felt that day was indescribable. And I remember writing in my prayer journal that I had brought with me that day only 2 simple verses & nothing else.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)

I burned that binder of CDs worth hundreds of dollars & determined that day that I didn’t want to depend on anything other than Him as my hope & my salvation through the darkest trials I may face. God is my comforter & my hope.

What Are You Clinging to Instead of to Jesus?

And I would understand completely if you don’t at all believe what happened next to me. Both the most terrifying & the most perspective-shifting event I couldn’t ever imagine took place as a result of this simple prayer & it shook me to my core (in a good way)… but that’s for the next chapter….

So, what are you clinging to in place of Jesus? Where are you supplementing? Where are you trying to control your own happiness/security/validation? What do you feel you NEED to feel whole… that isn’t Jesus? That’s a stronghold & you need to get rid of it.

Shine HOPE by going to HIM in your darkest times. He knows where to get you help. He can sufficiently offer peace. He knows what you need more than you do. He knows what steps to take for healing. He has perfect wisdom. He cares for you. He is your supply. Don’t turn to anything else but Him… because you will not find hope anywhere else but HIM.

Coming Next Week

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A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

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