True Humility Breeds Confidence
I have talked about this before on my blog, but, considering last week’s topic of “How I Let My Light be Dimmed,” I thought it was appropriate to talk about it again because it seems to be something that is quite often confused.
Confidence is NOT the opposite of humility. In fact, true humility will breed confidence.
Pride is the opposite of humility. Timidity is the opposite of confidence. But humility & confidence, in their truest sense, will always exist harmoniously.
Why is that? Because true humility recognizes that we deserve nothing, that anything good in us is of Jesus Christ–not us, & that our true strength & worth come from Him alone.
And when you recognize that very true fact, it breeds true confidence, because true confidence is knowing that because all of that is true, even if you feel completely unfit & incapable, you know that He can do all things, so anything HE calls you to, HE will get you through. (God didn’t tell Moses to brush up on His turning water to blood skills… He told Him to be His mouthpiece & to let HIM do the miracle.) (Exodus 4:21)
I Don’t Handle Stressors Well
I became timid, more & more timid, over the last 10 years. And, as I mentioned, timidity is not the opposite of pride, but of confidence. Timidity says my faith in what God is capable of has waned. And that’s not a good thing.
No wonder I am so whiny all the time. No wonder I feel like I have to “self-medicate” my way through stress by turning to anything that makes me feel a sense of comfort, like binging tv, games, etc.
No wonder I often feel so beat up by life.
Honestly, I have been struggling. It’s come in waves… Guam last time… Hokkaido… healing beginning in Misawa… then a very rough year all around last year. Life has beat me up quite a few times over these past 10+ years.
Life Beat Me Up, So I Chose ME–Wrong Move
I have become terrible at dealing with stress. I feel like a weak, broken version of myself sometimes & it just feels upsetting. Tack on there my bad back & waves of really low energy days sometimes… & I just so often feel like a victim rather than a VICTOR in CHRIST.
I cry a lot more than usual. I feel despair & to be gruesomely honest, some hard days I just dream of having a heart attack so my weak self doesn’t have to feel so weak anymore & I can just enjoy heaven already. I feel too weak for this world sometimes. Too frail.
But doesn’t that really speak to the fact that my humility isn’t quite where it ought to be? My confidence is so frail because my humility is not right. I am thinking I need to fix it, but can’t… versus trusting His provision, care, & strength to be sufficient, even in the even if.
Because, if I better recognized where my true strength comes from, I wouldn’t be so sniveling & ready to die. I would be confident because I would know my strength is not determined by my strength, but by HIS.
Of Course I Need Him
It is true. Some circumstances, I have prayed & had the wisdom to see my need to call out to Him & He has helped me & I have sought to share testimony of that publicly whenever possible so that He may receive the glory & so that others may be reminded of their mutual need of Him.
It has not all been woe-is-me awful… but the general sense of me is almost this beating up of myself over & over again for always needing help-–as if reality for all of humanity is not all about needing His help every moment of every day, always.
When Life Hits Me Hard, I Just Want Heaven
Now, before you go worrying about me, I am not thinking about dying every day, all day. But when hard, stressful, or hurtful things slap me out of nowhere, through my secret, hidden tears, all I can think about is, “God, can I please just have a heart attack, die, & go to Heaven to be with You? I don’t want to feel this broken anymore.”
I’m not suicidal. But sometimes I really want to die. So morbid, I know… but it’s the truth. Not all the time, but when life hits me hard, I just want Heaven. That’s “my truth.” (If you were hoping to read my blog this week for a quick pick-me-up, well, I’m really sorry.)
My Prayer
“God, forgive me. My pride really has snuck up on me slowly & taken way too much from me. I actually have had the audacity of believing that because I don’t measure up… because people have been really critical of me… because others made me question whether or not to worship You because I became too afraid of ‘what if I’m doing it wrong’… because life was really hard & didn’t stop being hard… because others were unkind & hurtful to me… because life hit me hard with a brutally hard move & a super typhoon… that because of all that, I really thought I needed to take the reins of my life back, that maybe I wasn’t the “enough” I was supposed to be.…
… It wasn’t a conscious decision… it wasn’t a choice I mulled over & decided on… but I made the choice all the same…. I chose to trust me. What I could see, the hurt I felt, the confusion I felt, the hopelessness I felt. I chose to trust me.…
… Please forgive me, LORD. Please help grow my confidence through humility. Help me to rest in You so much that I have the confidence to face ANYTHING, knowing YOU are the reason for that confidence—not me. In Jesus’ worthy name, AMEN.”
Bye-Bye Humility Leads to Bye-Bye Confidence
Well, there it is. Now I know why I have felt so weak & fragile & broken so often lately.
Because I am… & because I have been trusting in what I thought I should be able to handle… trusting in me instead of Him.
Bye-bye humility leads to bye-bye confidence.
“Lord, I need You, oh, I need You… every hour I need You. You’re my One defense, my Righteousness… Oh LORD, how I need You.” (“Lord, I Need You” song by Matt Maher)
Shine HOPE, by breeding TRUE confidence in your life… confidence bred from a humility in recognizing that anything good or strong in you is from HIM, & because that is so, you can do & get through ANYTHING a VICTOR rather than a victim.
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Desert Sage Studs (INDIA)
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