My Ways Are Not God’s Ways

I had a plan for my blog today. I have been writing & editing in my head a lot of today, preparing for the time when I would sit down & let the words flow as I typed them out for you. But then… I go to do it & nothing is coming out quite right. Everything is falling flat. It all feels forced, like it’s not what God has for me to say today & yet I am trying to make it happen anyway.

So, here I am… an hour later… starting over with no plan.

Well, God, what do You have for me to say today?

A Trigger I Didn’t See Coming

I have been attending the Monday evening ladies Bible Study at my church—which I need to leave for in a little over an hour as I sit with this almost blank page in front of me now & a blog post deadline in 3.5 hours.

The topic of this Bible Study has been “Emotions“—& to be honest, I have been tempted to just stop attending—not because I think I know everything on this topic & therefore don’t need help with this… quite the contrary—but because I have felt it sometimes over-simplifies the topic maybe in a way that triggers me, quite frankly.

Why does it trigger me, you might ask…. Because of the large amount of negative responses I have received in my lifetime dealing with my own personal big emotions. People have not always seemed to respond well to them, unless of course, the emotions felt “understandable.”

As per my last blog post: “Why Are Deep Emotions So Often Equated with “Being Emotional,” you can probably see it has stirred some frustrations in me. But it has also given me a newfound confidence I haven’t really known before—embracing my lifelong, “sometimes feels like a curse, but now realize the true bring-me-to-Jesus-reminder blessing it can be”—“emotional-ness.”

There Is a Difference

The book just honestly reminds me of some naivety I had after my time with deep depression for 2 years back in high school. Almost a high, if you will, of “this happened to me, but God taught me through it & now I’m all good as long as I can hold on to this thing I learned!” As if… fix it & you won’t have to feel hard feelings anymore–maybe that’s not what she intended… but you have to be careful of where the line is drawn between addressing the emotions themselves & the idea of allowing them to be used as an excuse for sin–because there is a difference. Emotions don’t equal sin.

Now, sometimes she does distinguish between emotions & the spirals that can potentially follow, but a lot of times it just seems to lump all together as just emotions seeming to almost be the enemy–which, they aren’t.

Hence last week’s topic.

I Want to Allow Myself Permission to be Emotional

You know, being emotional can actually be a really beautiful thing. Aside from it serving as a prodding reminder of my very real & constant need for something outside of myself–AKA Jesus, it also allows me to more fully engage with the world around me, to soak it up & to experience it more vividly.

But it can also be uncomfortable… & make other people feel uncomfortable. And because of this, I learned to hide my emotions… to pretend… to feel them when I am alone only… to never let people see me cry.

But now, I look at someone break down in tears & fall into the embrace of someone they love & trust, willing to be vulnerable & weak with someone whom they know cares for them & I just think—“I want to have the courage to believe someone would let me do that, without judgment & not have to feel it alone.”

Emotions Aren’t the Enemy–Our Wrong Responses Are

Emotions have long been made out to be the bad guy. I hear things like, “you are always so emotional…” “stop being so dramatic…” etc. But feeling deeply is not wrong–unless used as an excuse for wrong.

I get that some people may use strong emotions because they’re starving for attention & that’s the only way they know how to get it. I know that some people may decide it’s easier to trust Satan’s lies & move further away from God & deeper into a spiral. I know some people will lash out at others & blame “that time of the month” as an excuse. But emotions don’t MAKE you do those things… You have a choice in how you respond to your emotions–even though your right response may not guarantee said emotions away.

Sometimes I Feel When I Feel I Have No Real Reason to Feel

I’m asked why oh why do I feel so strongly about something that’s not even really that big of a deal… & sometimes… I feel deep heaviness on my heart with no recognizable reason to offer as good reason for it.

I have had times, even without the extra time-of-the-month hormones at work, where I feel deep heavy sadness almost… like a heavy weight on me… & I don’t even know WHY. Like, I can search my heart & thoughts & not come up with a single thing stressing me out or worrying me or hurting me & yet it hurts SO MUCH anyway. Makes zero sense to me. And yet… is.

And people want an answer. They want a justification. It makes it easier to understand… to maybe be able to help…. Maybe they’re wondering if I am just being dramatic “again”?

I don’t know.

But in those times, I can have sobs flowing out, with no cause I can see for the heaviness weighing on me, & I talk to God in it. I ask Him for help. I ask Him to help me keep trusting Him in it even it He chooses not to remove it. I remind myself that God never allows anything without a good reason—for my good & His glory. That I can trust Him even when the hurt doesn’t stop. I ask for His peace & comfort & to feel His presence in the heavy hurts. And He does answer in those ways.

I Can’t Always Pray the Pain Away

It’s hard because it takes continual surrender when it doesn’t ease up after prayer. I want more of a 1. feel pain (or just not even have 1.), 2. pray about it & remember Biblical Truth, 3. it eases up & I move on. Instead, when I am emotional, 3. doesn’t come. The pain stays. And I have to keep laying it down at His feet & keep drawing from His strength instead of the satisfaction of feeling my own return to me. That is HARD. That continual surrender versus removal of the pain is HARD.

Does He remain faithful to provide strength that isn’t my own? To give me impossible peace while the pain is still hurting me? To comfort me as it continues to weigh heavy on my heart? Yes, every single time–He is FAITHFUL to me–but I have to be willing to KEEP COMING TO HIM IN IT. And that is HARD.

The longing is to pray the pain away, when sometimes God wants us to trust Him to be sufficient while the pain remains.

The Key Is to KEEP Coming to Him

I don’t disagree with a lot that the aforementioned author of our study recommends, in needing to renew our minds with God’s Word—the Bible, with needing to retrain our focus by remembering we have a choice, with remembering to turn to God in our struggles, with knowing emotions don’t need to lead to spirals–in fact, I talk about some of that in a previous post: “Understanding Depression with Discernment.”

But we must be careful to distinguish between emotions themselves & the spirals &/or sin they can bring if we’re not careful.

“Be Angry & Do Not Sin”

It is very true that feeling big usually brings with it a weakness for succumbing to the easy-to-believe lies of Satan, telling us to doubt God & turn away from Him, telling us to dishonor God, disrespect Him, or disobey Him because of how we’re feeling… telling us to lash out at others in them.

The verse: “Be angry & do not sin,” (Ephesians 4:26) comes to mind because it’s this picture of feeling the way you feel, but not allowing it to stand as an excuse for hurting yourself, God, or others… aka SIN.

Sometimes God Allows the Pain to Remain So You & Others May See His Strength in Place of Your Own

I also think of Paul’s thorn in his side—that he prayed for God to remove & God responded with: “My grace is sufficient for you.” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10) God allowed the pain to remain. And Paul understood that in seasons of pain, they could also be opportunities to shine God’s strength when he felt he had little to none–in his weaknesses, infirmities, reproaches, needs, persecutions, & distresses.

I have felt that in so many of my dark seasons. As if God is allowing this heavy dark cloud to follow me everywhere I go & when I pray for it to leave, it’s almost as if God is very gently telling me, “no.”

I Know This & Yet…

And I have spiraled. I have doubted God loved me. I have tried to solve it my own way.

But I have also submitted to Him in it. I have learned from it. I have seen God use it to bring me closer to Him, to teach me something that I had long asked Him about, to demonstrate to others how to turn to them in their own weaknesses & pain.

I have trusted He had a plan even when I could not see it. I have trusted He loves me even when the pain will not leave. I have trusted that God would not waste the hurts He was letting me experience.

I have seen God WORK in them. And BE MY SUFFICIENCY.

He did not leave me. He did not forsake me. He is the Potter & I am but the clay.

We’re All Learning–God’s Not Finished with Me Yet

So, yes, this Bible study book we’re reading, in its sometimes naïve over-simplification of emotions as the culprit versus the poor responses to said emotions, has irked me to no end on some days as I work through it… but it has forced me to face up to all the negative reactions I have received over the years of my life… to embrace that I am not ashamed for being emotional & I no longer want to allow anyone convince me that I ought to be.

If God wants me to be poured out so that He may be magnified… to God be the glory. AMEN.

Shine HOPE by determining to KEEP turning to God in your hurts, refusing to allow them to be used as excuses for sin… & by giving intentional grace to those who feel things you don’t think are justifiable or things you don’t understand… letting God, in all things, be glorified.

God can handle those big emotions just fine, my dear, so keep turning to Him in them each & every time.

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