Hope Is Found

A Struggle Well Worth the Fight

It all began with a doubt… a nagging question that eventually flipped my whole life upside down.

The Beginnings & the Plague of Doubt… 

Me sightseeing with my parents, in Hokkaido

I grew up in a loving Christian home & I accepted Jesus when I was pretty young. I believed in Jesus because I knew I sometimes messed up & I somehow knew that Jesus could help me & love me. It was a simple faith, but it was pure.

But despite this positive beginning, once I joined middle school, I began to question my faith. My friends all seemed to believe in different things & I began to wonder whether my “religion” really stood the test against the others… If God really was the “One True God.” I was flooded with doubts that I couldn’t fully explain or find adequate evidence to satiate my tottering beliefs.

Was Heaven even real? Or was it just a fancy dream in order to encourage good behavior? Was the Bible really “God’s Word”? Did Jesus even exist? If God DID create us, maybe He left us to fend for ourselves or is laughing at us from above. How do we know He even cares what happens to us? How can any of us tell which piece of evidence is true when we ourselves are flawed?

There were so many questions that taunted me; & I was losing the battle against them.

People tried to help me sort it out, don’t get me wrong… But they were all human, aka having limited understanding & also capable of error or deceit. I didn’t know who or what to believe anymore.

Tormented by the doubts I couldn’t explain away, I began to rebel against it all. I decided that mine was the only “truth” I could fully rely on… And that if God WAS fake, I wasn’t going to miss out on having fun on my own terms. I wanted life my way anyway.

And in Came the Hurricane

And then, in my freshman year of high school, depression hit me hard. I had never realized such pain could exist inside one person. It tore at every piece of my soul. Depression played tricks on my mind almost every minute of every day for two years. I felt helpless & constantly attacked from every angle. Everything I had ever believed in started to blur into confusion. I felt I could do nothing right. Most of my days ended in tears & wishing I wasn’t so afraid to end my own life.

My life, & everything I loved & relied upon, felt like it was falling apart:

• Approval of others
• Affirmation
• Support from those close to me
• Friendships
• Good reputation
• Good grades

Everything I felt defined me blurred away. And everything I felt made me worthy of love seemed to become muddied & vanish. I felt worthless. I was full of hatred & anger & contempt. I felt alone. I was scared. Satan probably loved it, God allowed it, but I despised every second of it. I never could picture it getting any worse; but it always seemed to anyway. I hated the world for not knowing how to help me. I hated myself for not being stronger or better. I hated life.

… Like I said, depression played some cruel tricks on my mind.

Finding Hope in the Ashes 

After just about two years of this, I was emotionally falling apart. I was in a deep, dark hole… feeling more & more lost & alone & unloved by everything & everyone every day. I felt I had nothing left to live for. Suicide was a constant thought of mine….

Finally, like so many nights prior, I broke down. But this time I prayed a little differently. I prayed a prayer that, to this day, has changed my life in a way that could never be reversed. It was a clear-as-day God change.

That miserable night, I prayed that God would either end my life right there, any way necessary (I no longer cared about physical pain—I just wanted (needed) the torment to end); or that He would show me, once & for all, that He was real, that He loved me, & that He was right there with me.

After so long of living with my tormenting doubts, I was not sure how God could possibly prove to me, with hardcore evidence, what I needed to know; but I knew that if God was who He claimed to be, He would know how & was completely able to break through my doubts & show Himself True to me once & for all. If that were true, I knew I wanted to give everything to Him & I knew He would be the only One capable of rescuing me from my torment.

So I did meet my end that night… The end of living life for ME. The end of my emptiness, sorrow, doubts, & suicidal thoughts. The end of trying to live life by my rules. The end of living for “My Truth”. And I got to trade all of that in to meet God’s powerful, redemptive LOVE.

Not even a minute after praying that prayer, every doubt, every slice of pain, every bit of anger, loneliness, fear, hatred, confusion, hopelessness, every empty feeling in my heart was gone. Chills pranced over my entire body & relief flooded every strained inch of my soul. A gratefully joyous smile replaced the aching tears I had felt in my heart for so long. God answered my prayer that night not with death; but with so much unexplained certainty of His love & compassion than I could ever even begin to dream.

Though He used no words that night, He showed up. He flooded my pain-torn heart with something that made absolutely no sense in those circumstances—HOPE.

Do you see now why I am so passionate about spreading Hope? God is a big God & can work outside of our human understanding, in a deeply intimate & loving way!

Forever Changed

God changed my life forever that night. He taught me that He is so powerful, that He doesn’t have to rely on sound & physical presence to show Himself TRUE. He is greater than our limitations!

I think of the movie, “Case for Christ”, (based off the book “Case for Christ” by Lee Strobel) & remember how the female lead said something about believing in Jesus because somehow she felt Him as more real than anything she could touch or hear or see, & that that got her attention.

Like her, I learned that truth. I couldn’t fully explain Him or why I knew He was real, but I could (& do!) feel Him as more REAL than anything I can touch or hear or see. It’s amazing & unexplainable & beautiful.

I can never EVER regret a single moment of those two years I spent in the lonely prison of depression, because I discovered one amazing Truth… If I had nothing, but I still had Jesus… I had EVERYTHING.

Reflecting back on those years of horrible depression, I realized that those miserable years  were actually the perfect ANSWER to my long-standing prayers about my doubts.

I realized also that He had tried to show me many other, easier ways, but I always gave credit elsewhere & brushed Him off. So, He took away everything I gave credit to, to show me that even if I had NOTHING left, He was still enough. WOW! And He definitely is.

Because of that realization, I will never be able to doubt that the God of the Bible is real, that Christ is real. And that He loves me (& you!). He is right here with me (& you), forever. Knowing that truth, I can say with complete sincerity that the immense struggle I survived was well worth any fight, worth any pain, worth any torturous suffering anyone could endure. Because I now have a firm HOPE that I can stand on. It was a miracle in my life that no one can ever take away from me. It was a miracle from God. Depression, or rather, the assurance & HOPE that came through the torment of depression, was His “I love you” to me.

His Grace Keeps Giving

Since then, I have faced trials & even depression again. I have had times of selfishness & pride, times of complacency & ignorance. I have turned my back to choose my own path or my own answer. I have even chosen to sin (rebel against God) on occasion. I have been forever imperfect.

But through all of my weaknesses, I have seen the strength of God. I have witnessed & received His ongoing forgiveness and mercy. I am His work in progress. I have felt His love cover a multitude of my offenses. I have seen His patience & steady hand in my life. He has been faithful & has brought me to my knees many times. I do not deserve Him. I cannot earn Him. I deserve His worst. But yet He is faithful to forgive & love & heal me. His love endures forever. His grace is sufficient. His ways are higher than mine. And I know He will continue a good work in me until the day of completion. He will never leave nor forsake me. He will be with me forever, even unto the end of the age. And so, I will continue to seek His face—Striving to live my life in Him, and for Him. My will is not only to follow Christ, but to abide in Christ, from this day until my last. Amen.

What About You?

If you are curious how your doubts can be sated or how your searching can finally reach a solution, ask Him, Lovelies! He can hear you & He is able! Lay all of your brokenness & fear & doubts & struggles at His feet & say, “No more! Lord, I do not want to live this life FOR ME anymore. I am sorry for all of the times I have spit in Your face whether intentionally or unintentionally in the way I have been living my life. You are THE Way, THE Truth, & THE Life! Please forgive all of my wrongs & accept my brokenness. Be my everything. Take hold of my life & make it Yours. Amen.”

There are no magic words that will *poof* you into heaven, but a repentant heart that turns to Him as Lord of your life, will forever be changed & He guarantees you as an heir with Christ, in Heaven!

So please don’t keep living life in drudgery & empty pain & doubt. Be willing to say, “Lord, I believe in You, but help my unbelief!!”

Neither I, nor you, will ever be perfect, but HE IS & His love & grace will cover you.

Christ died on the Cross to take the punishment for your wrongs on Himself. We don’t deserve Heaven & we definitely don’t deserve His grace/forgiveness, but He offers it freely all the same.

All you have to do to receive it is to be willing to accept it.

So will you, Lovelies? Will you accept His outstretched hand, offering you your own Redemption Story?

***If you are in the middle of your own “Redemption Story”, & would like to chat, feel free to message me on the “Connect with Me” Page. Or, visit this resourceful website that answers many of the questions you may have, by clicking Here!***