Never Thinking I’m Good Enough… So Never Wanting to Try

My whole life, I’ve lived life scared. Scared I wasn’t good enough. Scared of getting into trouble. Scared of failing. Scared of looking bad. Scared of disappointing anyone. Scared of not being liked or wanted. Scared to try. Scared of saying the wrong thing. Scared of looking like I was trying too hard. Scared of looking dumb. Scared of not being “wantable” or loved.

It’s turned me into a people pleaser. It’s kept me from trying new things. It’s kept me stuck.

It’s not in everything, but I’ve seen it trickle into my life & I have overcome some, through God’s help, as well.

Getting Married Didn’t Solve All My Problems Like I Thought It Would

Somehow, I think I believed marriage would solve this… you know, find someone who happens to love you for you & all your problems melt away. But, somehow, I think my fears got worse instead.

All of a sudden, another person was tied to me, by choice… which meant they could change their mind.

It’s not like my husband puts unreasonable stipulations or expectations in place or like he holds my imperfections over me… they’re self-inflicted.

So, getting married didn’t actually fix anything. It’s something I need to surrender to God for help instead as I come across it.

My “Anti-Word”

You may or may not remember a couple years ago or something, how, instead of choosing my “Word of 2024,” I chose an ANTI-word: Victim. (Read that post here: “My ‘Anti-Word’ for 2024–VICTIM.”)

I recognized I had been living as a victim. Not an actual victim… but living as if I were one.

God had started whispering the reminder “victim” over my heart every time I was letting it happen, as if to gently make me aware of what I was believing & living… so I could stop doing that.

God didn’t make me to be timid… that is something Satan uses to keep me over-protective of self & closed off from others, while diminishing trust in God & appreciation of God’s many blessings.

God’s Glory or Protecting Self, Living in Fear?

Well, progress (at least in living afraid of disappointing my husband every day), has happened… but I find now I have so much more to go.

For one, I love to sing. Never have I ever sung solo because the idea terrifies me: I am “not good enough, not consistent enough with my range, not confident enough.” (I dropped out of doing choir when I hit high school even because solos were required. That’s a giant NO for me. And it’s why I never joined choir last time I lived on Guam: solo tryouts were required. Automatic NO thank you).

So instead of doing something I absolutely LOVE… that also gives God glory… I run from & avoid it like the plague because I am too scared to look a fool or fail to live up to others’ standards.

Is it just me??

Baby Steps to Living for God WITHOUT Living in Fear

But, I have been praying about all these people-pleasing fears & the lack of singing in my life as well… & God encouraged me to at least ASK about joining the praise team at church. (If solos were required, I was OUT.) No solos required & I was invited onto the team!

Instant regret! Thinking of ways to back out without looking like a complete wimp. Praying constantly 24 hours leading up to it because the urge to drop out was PRESSING.

But I didn’t quit. I prayed A TON. And, although I was shaking like a LEAF the WHOLE TIME… I DID IT!

I determined I would do my best to give Him glory, to sing with my soul & not just my voice, worshipping Him versus worrying whether I sounded good enough to justify being up there.

Where Did My Carefree, Child-Like Love for & Trust of God Go? Just Basking in All He Is?

Did you know, I’m even scared of dancing in my OWN HOME because I’m afraid someone will happen to see me & raise eyebrows at me & judge me? Or worse, film or photograph me looking foolish? Same with belting out singing at home? Same with most things? (Paranoid much?)

When did I become so afraid of everything?

I used to put on socks & headphones, with my little hot pink cd player & blast my music & just dance!

I used to draw & paint & create art.

I used to be silly & light-hearted & fun.

In What Ways Are You Living Life as the Victim? What Are You Missing Out on because of It?

I’m so uptight now. So scared of judgment. So worried someone will take an unflattering picture & blast me with hurtful words. So worried of not looking like I have it together & don’t care what others think… the old move I used to use in grade school, where I got openly mocked for being completely inept at sports because I had been homeschooled & didn’t know any of the rules… so I grew to put on the “oh, sports? pshh, lame. I am talking with my friends instead, duh!” so I would appear as if it were “too beneath me” vs something I was so afraid of everyone laughing at me about. Act like you don’t care & they can’t mock you for caring & failing. So sad.

And I still do it. I live as a victim. If I act like I’m not interested, I can’t make a fool of myself. I don’t attempt friendly games of sport because I feel like a flailing pigeon. I don’t sing or dance because I don’t think others will think I’m any good. I don’t want to sing solo because I don’t want to prove to others I don’t deserve the chance. Still living as a victim.

Let Us Not Live Life Scared

I want to give myself permission to be imperfect… to fail.

I want to give myself permission for people to not think I’m good enough… to be less than.

I want to give myself permission to be misunderstood… to be disliked.

I want to give myself permission to try… even if I’m terrible at it.

I want to give myself permission to ENJOY the blessings God gives me… unashamed.

God doesn’t ask me to be meek BY STAYING SCARED. Those two are not the same thing.

God doesn’t ask me to try to be every person’s “cup of tea.”

So, yesterday I sang with just a few other people… on stage… with my own mic… & I survived. Scared… but I did it. God made my voice to give Him praise… & I want to use it, whether or not I’m the best at it!

Live Unapologetically for Him! Enjoying His Blessings & Using His Blessings to Give Him Glory!

I want to begin living unapologetically. Not in sin… but not in fear either.

God made me to be a light… to live in confidence through Him… to live how He made me… to shine for His glory… not to hide.

I have a long way to go… but with God’s help, I’m going to keep going.

Shine HOPE by living first & foremost to please, honor, & obey God, letting yourself be imperfect, letting yourself fail, letting yourself be a work-in-progress, letting others dislike you or misunderstand you, letting yourself be who God made you to be, even if not everyone likes it or understands it. Above ALL for HIS glory!

Coming Next Week

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As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

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Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Emerald Wrap (INDIA)

This emerald green wrap is handmade by women in India who are facing extreme poverty. By shopping this wrap, you’re creating an opportunity for them to earn a fair and dignified wage so they can feed their babies. Each Artisan-made scarf is handcrafted using a soft viscose material.

Every purchase creates safe jobs and fair wages for women in areas of extreme poverty in India.  

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

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Have a wonderful week living for His glory in all that you do!