I am Unworthy

If you know me personally, you most likely already know this… but I am not the ministry “leader” anyone needs me to be.

Even with all the different things I help out with & the teams I serve alongside… even with the website & blog & YouTube channel… I am not the ministry “leader” you need me to be.

I would run out of hours in a day trying to tell you about all my many insecurities & insufficiencies & failures… all the times I trust myself more than I should… all the times I trusted in God’s blessings more than I actually trusted Him… all the times I trusted His gifting in me more than Him as the One Who imparted the gifting.

No, I am not the “leader” you need me to be at all.

It’s Not About Me as the Hope Anyone Needs

In fact, this website almost never happened in the first place because I understood all that about myself. I mean, who am I to be sharing on any sort of platform at all?

And yes, God helped me see that this all isn’t about anyone seeing ME as worthy of praise, but HIM… that it’s about pointing to HIM as the hope people need—NOT me… so it’s okay that I am imperfect & a work-in-progress just like anyone else, sure.

But guys, you don’t understand. I have seasons where I really struggle… like really struggle. I have seasons where my comfort zone actually becomes the strong aching in my heart… it becomes the familiar… it becomes my safe space, as if the hurts in the world (or in my world around me) are happening AT me… & I expect it to. As if I’m justified in moping & despairing & hurting & maybe even some bitterness being allowed to creep in there.

That’s been happening to me a lot in the last few years. I’ve talked about it before: “Sometimes I Think About Dying.”

And no, it’s not an all the time thing… like now, I am not feeling it… but I did just 30 minutes ago.

It’s a Simmer I am Becoming Far Too Familiar With

Slight rage… bitterness… hurt… beating myself up emotionally & endlessly for never feeling like I can ever be good enough… for being too needy… too sensitive… too insufficient. “If I could just be more _____________________, then maybe ___________________.” If I could just be LESS _____________________, then maybe _____________________,”

I beat myself up. I feel alone sometimes. I feel like it’s my fault when I feel alone.

I feel like if I just cared less, then it maybe wouldn’t hurt so much. If I was less needy or sensitive… then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much.

I resent feeling that way, or having situations or circumstances that make me feel like that.

I fantasize about dying. A heart attack that straight shots me straight to heaven—where pain no longer exists. (I know that is dark… I’m sorry.)

I feel tired. I feel like nothing is going to change & I’m tired of trying… of believing it ever will.

It makes me want to throw in the towel & just check out… quit. Not in an ending it myself type of thing (which I have definitely been there in my 20s & in my teens, but not for a while since then).

I just want to be in heaven so badly sometimes.

There’s the Solution Staring Me Straight in the Face

And then I see it… the solution staring me right in the face… the one I am always encouraging you toward… abiding in Him… praising Him… coming before Him with a heart that seeks gratitude toward God for all that He is & all that He has done for me… remembering that He is still in control & He still has me.

But I honestly feel so beat up… it’s become my gut response to respond in bitter anger & then resentment toward myself. I don’t want to reach out to Him. I want to wallow in my bitter pool of resigning to it. And I know that’s wrong & I know that will only end up hurting me worse & I know that it won’t solve anything. I know that emotions are just indicators–not facts, not determined outcomes.

Pray for me, please. I need to remember to praise Him when I feel the hurt hit me in the face unexpectedly. I need to remember Who He is. I need to lean into Him when I feel I can’t stand. I need to trust He can where I can’t. I need to keep praying & not stop just because I’m not seeing the results I want as fast as I want, the way that I want them.

I need to put my trust in Him alone… not in reaching the end of hurtings, not in things going the way I want them to, not in people all treating me the way I wish they would… but in Him alone.

The Unworthy Are Still Called to Magnify Him

So, yes… I am so humbled, so glad that the unworthy are still called to magnify Him. I don’t deserve to have my name attached to Him. I am so unworthy of the righteousness I can claim not because of me, but because of Christ… but I guess that is kind of the point isn’t it? The lavishing of grace? More blessing than I deserve because of Jesus being willing to die for all of my sin. What great reasons we have to praise Him, even when life hurts a little or a lot.

He is King of kings, LORD of lords, Alpha, Omega, Beginning & End, my Maker, Sustainer, Redeemer, Almighty God of Heaven & Earth. He is my God. He is my friend. He cares for me, made me, died for me, & is seated on His throne. He will have the final say. He will use every hurt for His glory & my good. He never wastes any hard thing, any tear. He is GOOD. He is my Father. He is My God.

He is worth living for… when things are going so well, & even when my heart is heavy & hurting.

He is worthy of my all–even though I am so incredibly unworthy of Him.

Shine HOPE by recognizing that even in all the ways you fall short, He is still worthy & we are still made to give Him glory.

“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31)

***He is waiting for you… will you come?:***

***(Romans 3:23; Romans 5:8-10; Ephesians 2:8-9; Romans 10:9-10; John 14:6)***

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Coming Next Week

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As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for EIGHT years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

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Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Solenne Earrings–Providing Jobs for Women in India!

These stunning cascading Solenne Earrings feature white glass beads and embroidered gold seed beads to create the design. Make a fair-trade fashion statement with these beautiful earrings perfect for summer or any season and handcrafted in a workshop in India committed to fighting child marriage and helping women become financially independent as fair-trade Artisans.

***SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!***

How Can You Help Artisans around the World AND Help Support MichelleHydeOnline.com?

#1 is PRAY. Financial help is great & helps pay my website fees & helps support these women artisans… but God’s help is always needed most… both for encouragement & for spiritual hope, through Jesus, for the women we support through our ethical fashion purchases. Always PRAY first.

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Have a wonderful week living for His glory in all that you do!