When Things Don’t Quite Go the Way You’d Imagined
Well, I have been through the wringer these past 4 days.
I was so excited about this recent 4-day weekend. After having traveled over Spring Break, losing a week of opportunity to check off items from my house project to-do list because we went stateside for the week instead… to losing the last 4-day weekend I thought I would have because I ended up needing to work through it… I was so excited to finally have a stretch of time where I could feel refreshed, enjoy the beach, maybe hang out at the mall for some girly time… plus a huge chance to check off several things in my queue.
Let Me Tell You About My “Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad” (Last 4) Days
Well, Thursday… cue the beginning of a cold.
Thursday night… cue less than 4 hours of sleep because of clogged sinuses from said cold & not having taken medicine before bed.
Friday… cue Cisco (our cat who just finished his antibiotics for a gastrointestinal infection on Wednesday & we thought was now all better)… vomiting every 10 minutes all day, followed by a really not great visit to the vet (he does not do well at the vet), with no time for any rest or nap because whenever I would begin to nod off… cue vomit noises coming from somewhere in the house. (Plus, the crashing disappointment & sadness of thinking the meds made him all better to realizing it’s not over yet.)
Friday night… 2-3 hours of sleep. Sinuses… managed to fall asleep, but got woken up by something & couldn’t fall back asleep because of how dried out my throat was from falling asleep with my mouth open. Could not find our soothing throat drops ANYWHERE. The physical discomfort was too “in my face” for me to relax enough to fall back asleep.
And It Doesn’t Quit…
Saturday… more cat vomit, me being weak from not much sleep/my cold–most of the day spent in bed. Sad that the vet had already closed by the time he threw up again.
Saturday night… 5 ish hours of sleep aka better but not great.
Sunday… no vomit… feeling better… hope swelling.
Sunday night… NO SLEEP. Between “that time of the month” meaning consistent bathroom trips throughout the night, plus my sinuses, plus the desert throat from trying to breathe with my mouth open…. SO tired.
And now it’s Monday… After a night of ZERO sleep, I reset my alarm for an hour before work… had a jackhammer headache screaming in my skull all morning… felt I couldn’t even take off from work because I may need it for another vet visit once Cisco’s anti-nausea medication runs out… used my migraine cooling mask (lifesaver) & went back to bed until the reset alarm time & managed about a 1 hour nap before I had to get ready for work.
I don’t feel like I have much in me left.
The Physical Strain, the Mental Strain, the Emotional Strain… I Was Being Hit from All Angles
I am so physically weak. So discouraged about Cisco & feeling helpless while I watch him in pain at times & I’m out of it mentally because I’m not sleeping & sick & my sinuses.
There’s this little “Squeezamal” squishy stress ball thing I keep on my nightstand & I may have chucked it at our bedroom wall.
I feel like I am being tormented… attacked. Physically with sickness. Emotionally with Cisco. Mentally with no sleep.
Living on a Prayer
This morning was a battle for the ages in my mind that was SCREAMING for me to crawl back in bed & not get out until the jackhammer in my head stopped. To not get out until I knew Cisco is all better & I’m feeling all better.
The amount of PRAYING that had to happen this morning for me to even function enough to get up & get dressed & drive to work was…. A lot.
I have cried more in the last few days than I have in the last month… from just being so frail & fragile on lack of sleep combined with watching as my sweet kitty cat just suffered while I watched & couldn’t stop it from happening. Plus being sick on top of all that.
But Wait
But God reminds me of something in all of this misery. That my strength is but a mirage. It’s not real. My very life is sustained by His breath. I live because He gives me life. I am because He made me to be. Nothing is really actually of myself.
And when all of my perceived humanly strength is stripped away & the illusion washes away… I am forced to actually remember it’s Him where my strength comes from. And to lean into Him because I have none without Him… even when it hurts.
Hi IS
I don’t have to be strong to be strong.
I don’t have to have answers to know He does have answers.
I don’t have to see a way forward to know He sees one.
I don’t have to hold myself up to be held up.
I don’t have to bring anything to the table to receive Him.
He is not diminished by my depravity, my weakness, my frailty, my need.
He is endless. He is limitless. He is strength. He is love. He is faithful. He is the covenant-keeper. He is the Savior. He is the Creator. He is the Redeemer. He is my portion. He is everything… even when I am nothing.
Jesus’ Love Compelled Him
Jesus endured worse than me… but signed up for it… knowing full well what was to come.
And He came anyway. His love for me… for you… COMPELLED Him to come.
“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes on Him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)
One of my favorite newly discovered quotes puts it so incredibly well:
“Jesus came to pay a debt He did not owe because I owed a debt I could not pay.”
-author unknown
Jesus, King of kings, Lord of heaven & earth, creator & sustainer of all things…. Came down from His heavenly throne to die on a cross because I could never measure up… I could never hit the mark every single time. I failed Him. And He redeemed me.
Because love compelled Him.
And He rose again & is SEATED at the right hand of God!
What to Do When You’ve Got Nothing Left
So, what to do when I’ve got nothing left?
Praise Him for all that He is for me in my lack.
Praise Him for His sustaining when I have nothing to offer.
Praise Him for His love & great sacrifice to pay for MY sin against Him.
Praise Him for having control even when I don’t… for being faithful through it all.
And show up for Him, telling others where I find my hope when it feels all hope is lost.
Praise God. Hallelujah. Amen.
In God, through Jesus Christ.
Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here, I find my rest
Without You, I fall apart
You’re the one that guides my heart
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour, I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour, I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand, I’ll fall on You
Jesus, You’re my hope and stay
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour, I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
You’re my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You” (Song: “Lord, I Need You” by Matt Maher)
Shine HOPE by remembering Who you can turn to when you’ve got nothing left, & by telling others where you find that hope, even when you reach the end of yourself.
Coming Next Week
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Resilience Bracelet (GUATEMALA)

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