The Night It All Began

I believe it was December 22 when the cough began, because that night I had a rough time of trying to sleep. I remember waking up in the early morning needing to use the restroom but had felt what I thought was my asthma the day before, so I didn’t want to get up for fear of triggering any coughing.

I prayed about it, asking God if I could have peace about getting up or if I should just try to go back to sleep & deal with my bladder in the morning so to make sure I wouldn’t disrupt my opportunity for more sleep that night.

Well, I felt peace about it, so I decided to get up to use the restroom, but when I crawled back in bed, the coughing fits kicked in & my sleep was no more.

Since then, I have wondered why God would give me peace about getting up, only to allow that to be my result, but let’s move on with this Christmas that didn’t go the way I hoped it would.

It Started Off So Well

Now, the whole previous week, my husband & I had the privilege to do something we had never done—Tokyo Disney during Christmastime. It was a fun trip with many happy memories & above & beyond blessings from God.

But, upon the morning of December 23, after a long uncomfortable night of coughing fits, it was now time to gear up to leave for home.

Maybe you might wonder why we didn’t decorate, or wrap presents before our trip, seeing as how we would arrive home at 2am on Christmas Eve following our Red Eye trip back, but let’s just say that not only was it a last-minute decision, but I had been sick, preventing clean up from both my birthday & Thanksgiving prep, making for much recovery needed in our home before leaving.

Our plan was to arrive home around 3am, sleep until Christmas Eve service at 10:45am, run by the store for a rotisserie chicken & some hashbrowns for next morning’s breakfast & dinner. Then come home to wrap presents. Jamie would decorate (usually his much appreciated contribution) while I would prepare food for Christmas day. I would bake cookies from a premade package. We would listen to Christmas music. And then we would drive to look at lights & go to dinner.

It was the perfect plan that never happened.

The First Crumbling of Our Dream Plan Begins

So, the morning of the 23^rd comes & let’s just say that neither of us were in a good mood. The day was not sunshine & rainbows. We were ready to go home.

Well, my cough worsens, to the point that I actually felt a little concerned about my breathing ability, wondering if I should attempt seeking medical help in a foreign country, but in true ME fashion, I didn’t want to bother with all of that fuss, so I just tried to make the most of it & get through it as uncomfortable as I was.

So, after my headache meds kicked in, as my insane amount of coughing had jostled my brain to feeling like someone had taken a jackhammer to it, I finally felt some semblance of normalcy & relief.

But that was not to last long.

Feeling Absolutely Crummy & Dampening the Day of Everyone Around Me

Between the constantly reoccurring coughing fits & the subsequent splitting headaches, I was just feeling done… & sluggish… & worried about potentially not being able breathe at any given moment… cough drops did nothing & my cough seemed to laugh at my inhaler… plus a notable lack of sleep the night before… let’s just say that I wasn’t feeling too great.

I wanted to be home, where I could feel physically miserable in private.

… Not the disgusted side glances. Not making people around me feel uncomfortable. Not blasting through others’ attempts at conversation. Not making people sitting near me get up a move to a new seat across the room. Not being persistently physically uncomfortable everywhere I went.

I wanted privacy in my misery.

The Punch to My Gut When I Was Already Struggling So Much

Well, after a day of this, the time of our flight arrived, only to board the plane, get to the runway, & have to turn back because something “wasn’t seeming right & they wanted to have it checked.”

So, we returned to the gate & had to sit on the plane for about an hour or more, only to hear the words over the intercom, “unfortunately, we cannot get approval to take off, so someone will be boarding soon to give you your options.”

NOT what I wanted to hear on Christmas Eve Eve & NOT what I wanted to hear in the current physical state I was in.

Our flight was canceled.

Our flight was the last one out for the evening.

It felt like a punch to the gut.

It Gets Worse

Proceed with about 4.5 hours of waiting for answers, waiting in line, being told hotels were hard to find & so were flights. (Jamie got online, thankfully, & booked himself just in case, rather than risking this—thank You, God, for nudging him to do this!) Then we’re told they’re closing the airport & kicking us out. More lines. Customs & immigration again. More lines waiting for reimbursement paperwork they could have just handed out. Then another line in the bitter cold (with a cough) for a taxi to a hotel for the night.

The aches had begun & at this point my whole body hurt. Standing in hour long lines several times when you’re really achy & sore all over is not my definition of fun.

We got to the hotel an hour after we were supposed to be home from our flight.

So much for our Christmas Eve Christmas prep plans. Our new flight was set to get us home at about 5pm on Christmas Eve.

It Was One Hard Night

Cue an entire night of coughing, no warm clothes because our luggage had been retained & we had dressed for a flight back to tropical weather. And no inhaler. And no cold meds, either.

Oh, & for risk of tmi, I may have peed myself about a million times because of my coughing fits & had nothing to change into, so I had that going for me, too… sitting in that, sleeping in that… & a whole other day in that. Just… gross.

I basically spent the night in the bathtub, refreshing the hot water every once in a while, to ease my aches & provide steam for my lungs to relax. I was a prune in the morning.

Merry Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve begins. The aches are worse. My cough is worse (to the point of a bad fit requiring me to briskly walk to the lobby bathroom at the hotel while we awaited the airport shuttle, so I could lean over a public toilet & throw up several times). Still sitting in my own pee. Plus, very little sleep AGAIN.

It’s safe to say I cried (as discreetly as I could) several times that day.

Well, as if the aches & the bad coughing fits & feeling gross weren’t enough, the crazy chills & incessant needing to blow my nose began. I was physically so weak & in constant pain all over & annoying everyone around me & freezing cold shaking.

Yeah, I cried a lot yesterday.

The Delays Seemed to Never End… Was Our Flight Getting Canceled AGAIN?

But it didn’t end there… unfortunately.

Our flight was delayed 3 hours.

Then another 2 hours. Plane is late.

Then another hour. New flight crew is needed to arrive.

It really felt like we were never going home, like they were just stringing us along for an eventual repeated canceled flight.

At this point, I was seriously expecting a riot, looking around for security nearby because people had started yelling & cussing out staff, saying, “I don’t want free WATER… I want to go HOME!!!” (Except with expletives added.)

I could relate to their feelings of desperation. I just really, really wanted to go home.

Then ANOTHER 30-minute delay… to brief new crew & prepare the plane.

Hope, But One of the Hardest Flights

We finally got on the plane, only to sit on the plane for maybe another hour. I was sitting there waiting for it to all fall apart again somehow.

But… we were cleared & took off! Yay! But we had warnings of turbulence announced to us a majority of the flight. (Which, thankfully, wasn’t very much at all, for which my motion-sickness self was so appreciative!)

I was the most physically miserable at this point. Crazy achiness, chills, coughing, blowing my nose constantly, feeling like a nuisance, in & out of consciousness (which I was so grateful for some sleep at least, even if choppy & inconsistent). I didn’t know how I would make it because I was that uncomfortable & hurting so much, but I had no choice… it was the only way home.

A Not So Merry Christmas

And finally, FINALLY, we arrived back on Guam at 12am Christmas morning.

Merry Christmas.

Well, I was grateful to have gotten a full night’s sleep last night, & that I am feeling a little better, & that my aches & chills have subsided & that I could change my clothes & shower… but I am definitely sick… & Jamie woke up feeling sick, too.

Merry Christmas.

No special Christmas Eve service. No wrapped gifts. No tree. No decorations. No baked cookies. No Christmas breakfast ready to pop in the oven. No special Christmas dinner (cue frozen lasagna). No merriment. Just 2 sick people in pjs, staying in bed most of the day because we just don’t have the energy to move anymore.

Merry Christmas.

God Gave Me Some Perspective

But I think back to 2 nights ago, in the hotel, when I felt so awful, crying in the bathtub so I wouldn’t keep Jamie up all night with my coughs… praying & asking God… WHY?

“God, why? Why did You give me peace to get up that night? You knew it would trigger my coughs, prevent sleep, & set me up on a weak beginning for a super hard day. Why did You allow that to happen to me? I know You love me, so I don’t understand why You could do that.”

And the answer came like a gentle, gracious breeze over my heart… a reminder that the original Christmas was not bright colored wrapping paper or holiday jingles or all about feel-good moments.

My God, Jesus, came to be born in a stable…. (Luke 2:12)

God, Who held all glory & power & majesty, chose to be born in a stable as a human being, surrounded by farm animals, dirty shepherds, & sheep.

He Came for Me… For You

And not only that, but He came to seek & to save the lost (Luke 19:10)… by giving His life for us. (Romans 5:8)

“In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.” (1 John 4:9-10)

“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” (John 3:17)

“For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given; And the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6)

“This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief.” (1 Timothy 1:15)

He Suffered Far Beyond What I Suffered for Me… for You

He was rejected by the very people He created & knit together. (Isaiah 53; Psalm 139:13-16)

He was rejected by the very people He came to save, being led like a lamb to the slaughter… for which He responded so graciously by saying, “Lord, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

The reminder was clear: Jesus’ life & death was much more difficult than my miserable last 48 hours… & He endured it all with gentle, willing, gracious, loving patience for ME… for YOU… to save us from the wrath of God, the consequences for our sin.

Imagine never feeling physical pain because You are GOD & yet willingly being born as a man in order to die for our sins to offer us LIFE.

Merry Christmas

This Christmas may seem empty & void of any Christmas spirit, food, or festivities, with 2 sick people bed-ridden in an undecorated home… but I am so thankful He got me through the last 2 miserable days because boy were they HARD like I have not known hard for a good long while.

Thank You, God, for getting me through the last 2 days. I was in so much pain & I was shaking so hard & coughing so much that I didn’t know if I could make it. Thank You for the sweet relief of sleeping in & out of the flight. Thank You for keeping the motion sickness away. Thank You for the extra chance to get an extra crème brulé latte & their quiche which is one of my favorites. Thank You for nudging Jamie to be proactive & book a hotel & new flight while waiting in line so we had somewhere to sleep that wasn’t too far away. Thank You for the graciousness of the taxi line letting us cut because they saw I was struggling so much with my cough in the bitter cold. Thank You Lord for those sweet intermissions of relief I was able to experience so I could be encouraged to keep going. Thank You for getting us HOME!

And thank You for being willing to endure much worse… for me who deserves so little… for all who believe on You as their hope & salvation.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

When Christmas Doesn’t Go the Way You Hope It Will

Is this how I wanted to spend Christmas? Sick in bed after all that? No. But honestly, I am so grateful to finally be home that not much else matters really… & when I consider how Jesus went through much worse for me? It’s hard to complain about my really hard 2 days + a sick day in bed for Christmas… even when Christmas doesn’t go the way you hope it will.

Shine HOPE by remembering all that Jesus willingly endured on our behalf, starting with His humble original Christmas.

Merry Christmas, & to all a good night.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Bumblebee Backpack (GUATEMALA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! Handcrafted in Guatemala, every 100% cotton Bumblebee Backpack features a drawstring closure and adorable yellow and black “rick rack” trim to create the striped pattern you see. The Bumblebee Backpack even features two adorable white wings!

*****This drawstring backpack creates jobs that help moms in Guatemala send their kids to school! Every purchase supports women in areas of extreme poverty in Guatemala.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

If Only It Had All Been Just a Dream

In a small home with a single window sat a young girl. Her eyes were glistening & her cheeks were tear-stained. Her gaze out the window was more of an empty, blank stare. She felt too numb to really acknowledge much of anything going on inside or out.

Around her, she heard screams & cries, as the world seemed to be crashing in around her.

Everything sounded muffled, muted, as if everything were just a dream at this point.

She wished it were all just a dream. She wished she could wake up. She wished that none of it was real… only a sick imagining of her mind.

But it WAS real & today was the worst day of her life.

Carefree Giggles That All Came Crashing Down

Just yesterday, she was playing in the dirt street with her friends, carefree & giggling… with her little baby brother begging for attention… which she had ignored.

She had felt too big to play with a little baby. She wanted to seem grown up & worthy to play with the older kids instead, even though her mother had tried unsuccessfully to convince her to do otherwise.

Oh, how she wished she could turn back time, for now she would have chosen much differently. She would have left the older kids in a heartbeat for one more smile out of her little, sweet brother.

But it was too late for that now.

A Cruel King, an Unimaginable Terror

“Then Herod, when he saw that he was deceived by the wise men, was exceedingly angry; and he sent forth and put to death all the male children who were in Bethlehem and in all its districts, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had determined from the wise men.” (Matthew 2:16)

The king had issued a decree of the cruelest nature. He had commanded for every little boy to be killed. She couldn’t understand why, but the why didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered.

The soldiers had rushed in, asked where her brother was, & without thinking, she had pointed, without considering what might come next.

The fear had made her brain stop. She hadn’t had time to think that maybe they had poor intentions… that they would do what they would do. She had just pointed.

And in a flash, a quick stride across the room, & a slash… her brother was gone. His cries had stopped.

It Was Too Late

Her heart had dropped to the floor. Her mind couldn’t wrap around what had just happened. The shock overwhelmed her & even long after the soldier had stormed out, she just stared blankly in her brother’s direction, numb & unbelieving & unmoving.

Her parents had rushed in from the field, had seen her brother & had pushed past her in desperate, hurried hopes of saving him… but it was too late.

It was far too late. There was no hope. Her brother was gone.

The Grief, the Shame, the Guilt

She didn’t remember when the sobs kicked in, but once they did, they would not stop. She collapsed to the dirt floor & cried with her whole self.

Her parents had tried to console her, tried to reassure her, tried to make her feel safe, but none of that mattered. She had killed her baby brother. Her sweet, helpless baby brother… & he was gone… because of her.

Logic didn’t matter as her parents tried to say it would have happened either way.

She had helped. She had pointed. It felt like it was all her fault.

A Bright Twinkling Star in the Sky

And now, as the sun had already set, as her parents wept quietly in bed on the other side of the single-roomed home, the little girl still sat sullenly at their one window, feeling incapable of leaving this one spot, letting her mind numb over as she stared blankly at the night sky.

And past her numb, aching stare, a twinkling of grandest scale seemed to beg for her attention & for a brief moment, she allowed her numb gaze to hone in on the strange star that shone brighter than any other star that evening, in the sky not so far away.

And for the first time that day, she felt an unexplained twinkling ray of hope shine into her heart that comfort, love, & hope could possibly be not so far away.

What Child Is This?

“So it was, that while they were there, the days were completed for her to be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.” (Luke 2:6-7)

Not so far away, in a manger made to feed the stable animals at the inn that had no more room for these particular traveling guests, lay a very special Baby.

But this was no ordinary baby….

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16)

“Therefore, the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Immanuel [“God with us”].” (Isaiah 7:14)

“Now in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a city of Galilee named Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin’s name was Mary…. Then the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Highest… He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of His kingdom there will be no end.” (Luke 1:26-33)

The Light of the World

“For unto us a Child is born,
Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon His shoulder.
And His name will be called
Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6)

“… He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it…. He came to His own, and His own did not receive Him. But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name: who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God. And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.” (John 1:1-14)

He Came to Take Away the Sins of the World

“Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” (John 8:12)

“The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, “Behold! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!” (John 1:29)

This was no ordinary baby. This baby, born in a manger, was Jesus Christ, eternally God, born in flesh, to live as man but sinless, to love & to heal & to teach & to eventually offer His life to all, (“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”-Romans 5:8) even to those who actively were rejecting Him, saying on the cross, “Lord forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

He was Emmanuel, God with us…

… The hope come into the world.

Shine HIS Hope

While it is true that Herod killed the children of Bethlehem when Jesus was no longer a baby in a manger, the truth of hope-come-to-man is quite the same regardless. A helpless baby was the form our great God took on so that He could be the rescue we all need. The HOPE we all long for.

Praise Jesus Christ Emmanuel this Christmas!

Shine HOPE this Christmas by being a light to the hope we all have because Jesus came to earth to die for men, to reconcile us to God for all who repent & believe on Him! *Praise Him, the Savior of the World!*

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Corte Whale Pouch (GUATEMALA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! Artisans in Guatemala handcraft this eco-friendly artisanal design from upcycled Corte, traditional Mayan woman’s skirt, and tipico fabric, traditional Guatemalan fabric. Each ethically made pouch is one of a kind, and beautifully crafted into a whale shaped pencil pouch. Lined with 100% cotton, this Corte Whale Pouch is ideally sized to carry a little one’s everyday essentials with fun style.

*****Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages for women in areas of extreme poverty in Guatemala.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

The Little Nudge That Wouldn’t Budge

About 4 years after I graduated high school, having completed 1+ years in community college, working at a job I enjoyed, promises of a promotion in the near future… God disrupted all my plans with a little nudge I couldn’t seem to shake away… a nudge to “go to Liberty University & get a Business Marketing degree.”

I didn’t understand where that had come from & I don’t know how to explain it other than the fact that I had this very strong inclination that I was supposed to “go to Liberty University & get a Business Marketing degree.”

But I was getting promoted… without any degree.

I was succeeding… without any degree.

So… I wasn’t so convinced that this wasn’t just a subconscious thing because I had always wanted to go to a university & live in dorms & all that.

So… as anything else I’m unsure of, I prayed & asked God for confirmation. Yet this time, I decided not to tell a soul about it for 3 months, as I sought God’s confirmation first.

I Wanted to be Sure Who Was Leading My Heart

I didn’t want to be influenced by, “Oh yes, you definitely should!” or “but how much money will that cost?” comments or perspectives. I only wanted God’s opinion.

Because I knew that if God indeed was leading this I wanted to KNOW it was Him rather than confuse it with hype from friends or family… if it was indeed God leading this, I knew He would somehow provide the funds & way forward despite any odds.

Well, the peace became more & more cemented the longer I prayed about it… as if it was becoming more of a certainty than a question or a doubt.

So, after 3 months of feeling absolutely sure I had full peace about it, I told my parents & God paved the way forward for me to finally see my dream come true of living in a dorm & having the “college experience.”

I started at Liberty University in the Fall of 2007 as an almost 24-year old sophomore.

So Many Blessings from My College Days

I can’t go into every blessing those years at Liberty brought me, including my many wonderful friends that felt like family–as the happy memories themselves would fill a book’s pages, so I will try to hone in on some profound moments, pivotal moments that shifted my perspective, as led by God’s leading.

I have already mentioned the breeze He brought on a particularly discouraging & frazzled morning, while standing at the bus stop—late for class. (Chapter 4)

I have already mentioned in blog posts past about a question my one particular friend used to frequently ask, which made me SO uncomfortable (because I felt put on the spot), but when asked so regularly, became the catalyst for me always having that mindset in my day-to-day: “What has God been teaching you lately?” (So blessed by that frequently asked question from my friend!)

The Inconvenient God-Orchestrated Blessings

I have probably ALSO talked about in blog posts past how, when I was on student leadership my senior year, God taught me to always rely on Him more than on my own schedule/responsibilities/routines.

For example: Big test, Big paper, Big presentation happening the next morning/afternoon… not enough time to prep alongside all of my other responsibilities as a senior… but one of several different girls on my hall would knock on my dorm door & upon opening, I would see tears in their eyes as they asked to talk.

Now, human me went into a full inner panic every single time because my options seemed to be: A) Sound like a jerk & say, “sorry, I don’t have time for you,” or, B) Risk FAILING.

But, in the middle of my selfish, short-sighted panic… I would stop & pray & ask God for wisdom on what I ought to choose & how to choose it.

And every time, the nudge was always the same: “What do you think matters most to Me? Your grade… or this young lady’s heart who is standing in front of you with tears in her eyes?”

*Deep (inaudible) sigh* was always my response, along with a silent, “Okay God, I hear You. I will just have to trust You to take care of the rest because I want to choose what honors You most here.”

I would put my studying, editing, or rehearsing/memorizing aside & welcome the young lady in for a chat, some counsel, some prayer, & a hug. And whenever this happened, I always had complete peace that this was what God had planned for me that evening all along & I was always glad I obeyed, despite my trepidations.

God Took Care of the Rest

And guess what… Every. Single. Time. God would come through on the other end.

Either I would have an unexpected quiet lunch & would now have unplanned extra time to adequately prepare, or the professor was out & rescheduled, or I was later on the schedule for presentations & would have another couple days to prepare, or the test would be easier than I ever anticipated & the extra studying would have been wasted unbeknownst to me!

God has a plan beyond what I can see, every single time.

The Infamous Test

Then there came the test. THE test. The test that counted for a ridiculously terrifyingly large amount of my semester grade for my capstone course.

Tests come easily to me typically. I am good at memorizing short term. I am good at focusing in when needed. Tests are usually a fun opportunity for praise & affirmation that I understand the material well enough. (If you are not a great test taker, please don’t hate me. Trust me, there are plenty of other things I am AWFUL at.)

But this test. THIS test scared me… mainly because my professor scared me a bit. That class frequently kept me on my toes, for sure..

The class was more complex & this teacher had a reputation for not playing around. His assignments were always challenging & thought-provoking, stretching your abilities & always leaving you feeling like you always should have prepared just a little bit more than you did.

I Studied Harder Than I EVER Had Before

So, I took this test VERY seriously. I studied SO HARD. Like, look up & take practice tests, go through every highlighted section of every chapter, study through every page of your notes, look more up on the topic to solidify your understanding… type of studying.

This was beyond normal for me. I always took my good-test-taking ability for granted. I would study, but more as a review than a panic. But this test was the monster of tests, in a challenging class, with a tough professor, that counted for a HUGE part of my grade… so I STUDIED.

The day of posted grades came.

I signed in so fast, heart racing, eager to be relieved that once again, I had nothing to worry about.

And as I scrolled to view the grade, anticipation mounting significantly… my eyes landed on the grade & my jaw dropped & the world seemed to stop to a dead halt.

47%.

The Shock

47%?

47%!!!!!!?

I felt like the room began to spin. I sat down on the floor, having the dorm room to myself, stared at nothing, & just began to cry into my hands, embarrassment & shame & devastation settling onto my shoulders like a weight I could not bear.

How?! Why?! What did I do wrong?!

My parents knew how hard I had prepared… how was I supposed to “excitedly call to announce another win after such diligent preparation” when I had gotten a 47%?!?!?

I was SO upset. I felt so embarrassed to have worked harder than I had EVER worked for a test in my entire life, only to be rewarded with SUCH a terrible grade.

How humiliating!

What God Had to Say

And so, I prayed: “God, WHAT HAPPENED!? You saw how HARD I worked for this! I did not take it for granted that I’m good at tests! I studied! HARD! What happened? What am I supposed to tell my parents? What am I supposed to tell my classmates? My friends who knew how hard I had worked on this? I am so embarrassed & humiliated. What happened???”

And after several minutes of this blubbering, despairing, embarrassed sob-praying… I felt His answer come over my heart with both convicting truth & comforting gentleness: “Who are you doing this for? For your parents? For your sense of pride & accomplishment? Or for Me?”

Boy did that hit me hard in the gut. The first 2 for sure… but for Him? Nope. Not really.

I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I wanted them to want to gush about me, or at least know they had reason to. I wanted to prove to them that I could do it & that I could be successful out on my own without their help padding anything. I wanted to prove myself.

I wanted to feel proud of myself. I wanted the praise & recognition & accolades. I wanted the good reputation of being a great student. I wanted to swell with confidence in myself & my own abilities & accomplishments.

But nowhere in my heart, aside from the very fact of me being there as God had led me, did I consider working as unto Him & not for myself or others.

God Has a Plan Beyond What I Can See

And right then, realization started to flood my thoughts:

1. For all I knew, God had brought me here to find my future husband & this was just how He got me here.
2. For all I knew, God had brought me here because there was a life lesson I needed to learn through someone here & this was just how He got me where I needed to be.
3. For all I knew, God had brought me here because He knew someone here needed Him & I was His messenger right for the task.
4. For all I knew, God bringing me to Liberty University for a Business Marketing degree had nothing to do with the course itself, but the lessons about life it would teach me, that He knew I would need for another life assignment later in life.
5. For all I knew, me being here at Liberty, by God’s design, had nothing to do with the classwork, but the people I would meet along the way.

And for me to assume anything differently is to say I think I know well enough on my own & to say that God is so limited by what I see right in front of me, in my own human understanding. Ouch.

I needed to understand that God has a plan beyond what I can see right in front of me.

Work As Unto the Lord, Not Man (Not Self)

How humbling a thought.

God knows why He has me here right now–with these particular people in these particular circumstances.

I see my marriage, my job, my simple interactions & think to myself “that is that.”

But God has a plan beyond what I can see.

That is why I must determine to work as unto the Lord & not man.

That is why I must fear the Lord my God AS GOD, recognizing I am far from it!

That is why I must trust His nudgings more than my own logic, perception, or circumstances.

Because God sees beyond what I see. He sees every ripple effect. He hears every silent plea that I don’t hear. He knows all & how it all fits together.

I don’t.

What Is Your Why?

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men….” (Colossians 3:23)

“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31)

What’s your motivation? Who are you relying on? Do you trust God more… or yourself?

Who are you striving for?

This may sound intimidating, until you think about our last chapter here (Chapter 10). It’s not dependent on us being good enough, but on a heart willing to let God be God & let God lead & let God supply. He does the rest. Are you willing? Start there.

Shine Hope by trusting His lead always, understanding that you ought to work as unto the LORD & not man, knowing God always has a plan beyond what you can ever see.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Cranberry Spice Candle (USA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! Handcrafted in Wisconsin, USA, these candles connect women survivors of sexual exploitation to safe housing, meaningful work and a healing network of support. The Cranberry Spice Candle comes in an adorable, shallow gold-tone candle tin and has a festive, comforting scent that is perfect to gift to a loved one this holiday season!

*****Every purchase of the Cranberry Spice Candle creates jobs for women in the United States.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

They Just Seem “Better Equipped” Than ME

I don’t know about you, but growing up, I would look at my Christian leaders—Sunday school teachers, Youth Pastor, deacons, authors, speakers, & the pastor himself, & think they held those positions because they were a cut above the rest… that they were “extra spiritual people.” Am I alone in this?

Now, keep in mind that back then I only read snippets of the Bible whether looking up in my concordance for relevant truth to whatever I was currently dealing with, memorizing specific verses at church, going through a topical Bible study, or even sermons on Sunday mornings (& other services throughout the week). AKA I didn’t have the full context of Who God is.

So, even though, as you read through the Bible, it is blatantly obvious that the people written about in the Bible were FAR from the perfect examples to emulate & FAR from even being courageous, super spiritual people… it didn’t quite click.

I wanted to serve God, sure, but I thought that was reserved for people much more spiritual than me.

God Can Work through Anyone

Well, as I shared over the last 2 chapters, with purging things like music that I was turning to instead of to God in times of trouble (validation versus trusting God could be enough for me) (Chapter 8) & how I was retaliated against by a demon because Satan DID NOT like that I was putting full faith in God versus anything BUT (Chapter 9)…. As I continued my journey through the book my friend & I were reading through together—“Authentic Beauty, by Leslie Ludy”— at the time that spurned all of that… God taught me something pretty crazy important.

He taught me that God can work through anyone.

The Heroes of the Bible Were Just as Flawed as Me

It becomes a little more “DUH” to me now that I have been reading through the Bible pretty consistently (more on how that came to be in another chapter because at this point in my life—early 20’s, I hadn’t gotten there in my growth yet).

I mean, how can it not be so incredibly obvious when you look at unwilling Moses with his “please send someone else” speech troubles & fear (Exodus 4:13)—oh yeah, & he felt so desperate to right the wrongs done against his people that he killed an Egyptian in his anger way before God even called him? (Exodus 2:11-15) Or how about David sleeping with another man’s wife & then having her husband killed to cover up his shame? (2 Samuel 11) OUCH. Or Abraham & his wife thinking they would “help God keep his promise of an heir” by agreeing he should sleep with their servant AKA sin against God? (Genesis 16:1-5) Or Jonah straight up RUNNING away because he didn’t want to listen to God? (Jonah 1:1-3) Or Gideon hiding in a cave & asking MULTIPLE times for confirmation because he was so scared to obey God? (Judges 6:11-40)

I mean, the list can go on for quite some time & these are all people we can wrongly tend to put up on a pedestal. Key words: these are all PEOPLE.

They’re all PEOPLE. They’re not GOD.

If We’re All Flawed, Sinful Human Beings… How Can God Use Any of Us?

So, then, if we all share the common denominator of being merely human, with all of our shared flaws, weaknesses, sins, insecurities, fears, etc. then how can ANY of us be used by God?

Because if God calls us to do something in obedience to Him, He is not relying on YOU being enough for it, because He knows HE IS. You can be sure that wherever He calls you to obey Him, He will be the One to supply your needs to accomplish it.

God worked the miracles for Moses. God parted the Red Sea. God gave Moses the words to say. God gave Moses a partner to assist him through his apprehensions & fears. God led them through the wilderness. God guided them to the promised land. God fought for them. (Exodus 3; Exodus 14)

He directed Jonah, knowing the people would repent if warned. He patiently KEPT directing Jonah in his disobedience because He cared too much for the evil Ninevites to let them pay what Jesus would cover if they were to repent & turn to God from their many sins. (Jonah 4)

He forgave David & was the One who worked through this sinful man’s life. Despite all of his very human, sinful failures, he kept coming back to God, trusting God above his complete unworthiness. (2 Samuel 12:1-15; also, see many Psalms where David repents & turns to rely on God)

Then there is God working through Abraham despite his lack of faith & answering Gideon’s many requests for confirmation to patiently act in long-suffering gentleness toward his many fears.

I mean, PAUL?! Enough said about Him. (Acts 26:9-31)

It’s not the heroes written of in the Bible who hold the power for change through ministry orchestrated by God, it’s God Himself!

They All Served the Same Great God

Having that experience with that demon that I talked about last week REALLY sealed that understanding in my brain, but it kept developing as I learned more about God’s servants that did GREAT things, not because they were great, but because they all served the same GREAT GOD.

So, consider me writing these chapters, week-by-week to you, my readers. I am NO different. I am HUMAN.

Do you know how many weeks I have to scrape myself off the floor, so to speak, because I feel SO opposed to getting off my lazy butt & getting to the editing even? If you follow me on social media, you have surely seen my posts/prayers asking for God’s help through my self-centered rebellious tendencies to avoid this part of the process.

I like choosing ME. I like choosing COMFORT. I am SELFISH. That is the real me.

I have sass & am stubborn (my mom can attest to this from my childhood). Working for the LORD requires me to DIE to myself… to lay down WANTS for HIM.… To accept that where I lack, I don’t have to quit & run because I can stop & turn to Him for help to get me through it with His wisdom, encouragement, courage, & peace. I can rely on this same great God that the heroes of the Bible served & lived for!

Grace, by Definition, Is Underserved

This phrase came to me sometime in the last year or so as I was praying over how I could possibly obey His command to extend grace to a fellow Christian who was very unkind to me consistently for months. His response to those prayers? “Michelle, grace, by definition, is undeserved.”

I will say it again, “Grace, by definition, is undeserved.” My grace-filled life is not a claim to a rosy-glassed life, but rather despite my flesh that constantly rears up to war with my soul, God continues to be my Enough. He continues to suffer long with me. He continues to HELP me submit to Him, even when it makes me uncomfortable to admit as to how little willpower & a desire to submit to Him comes naturally to me.

So, after that demon experience, after finishing this “Authentic Beauty” book with my dear friend, I realized that my desire to serve God did not have to end with my endless inadequacies….

… Because any work He would call me to all depended on HIM anyway.

And He was (is) ALWAYS enough.

My Precious “Lilies for the Lord”

So, birthed from these realizations, I jumped headfirst into every ministry opportunity God placed on my heart, beginning with a small group of middle school girls that will always hold a special place in my heart, long after they’ve forgotten all about me.

“Lilies for the Lord” was my first ministry back around 2006/2007. A group of about 7 middle schoolers, all friends of my baby sister from various activities she participated in. Even back then, my heart cry was to design & run my own website for those too scared to openly ask questions, where they would have support even if their family wasn’t supportive of their search for hope in Jesus Christ. I didn’t know where to begin, but look how far GOD has brought me all these years later!

We met at my parents’ house, I believe every other week. (Friday maybe?)

There was a memory verse each meet, a white board with next week’s verse, sometimes a small craft, & a Bible lesson. We also did prayer journaling times where they could go to a corner alone & write out their personal prayers to God, practicing intentionally turning to God in prayer.

It Wasn’t a “Spot That Needed Filling in a Church Ministry” but a Proclamation That, as a Girl in My 20’s, Their Walk with & Hope in God Was What Mattered Most

Once a quarter, we did a sleepover with either a movie theater field trip or laser tag or something of the like. Then followed with games & maybe pizza & snacks & cartoons & nail painting.

I also tried to do an occasional outreach with them to help them think outwardly versus just their own thoughts, wants, & life. This included a full feast for a pastor’s wife who had a major surgery & was bedridden during recovery & another time we made a bunch of cookies, included a verse of encouragement on each plate & asked for names from their parents of families who were having a rough Christmas that year due to loss or injury or health issues, went to their houses together, sang carols, & delivered cookies.

My heart was to teach them that investing in their lives & faith mattered to me. Not because I was signed up to help at church because they had a spot to fill, but because ME, a servant of God, CARED ABOUT THEM & their walk with God Almighty.

To teach them that purity mattered. That compromises always led to pain, even if not realized until years later (more on this in an upcoming chapter).

To teach them that their walk with God & their worship of Him & their obedience to Him was the MOST important thing they could pursue in their entire lifetime.

I Serve a Great God Who Does Not Give Up on Comfort-Seeking Me

I’m not saying all of this so you can “Ooooh” & “Ahhhh” at me, praising me, just as I am sure the disciples of Jesus would be offended at being worshipped rather than directing that worship to the one they gave their lives for.

I’m saying all of this because I want you to see that it is NOT ME. I am NOT super special, super spiritual.

I am just a regular, sin-torn, fleshly human woman who naturally gravitates toward HERSELF, but who has seen God be her ENOUGH in all of her lack. All of MY lack.

It All Starts with a Willingness–“Here I am, LORD. Send Me.”

A willingness to say to God, “Here I am, God. Send me. I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do or say or how to possibly get it done because it’s ME we’re talking about here. But I want to obey You. I want to serve You. Show me where. Show me what I can do for You. And show me that You’re my enough for it every step of the way as I lean into You for help every step of the way. You. Are. My. Enough. Here I am, LORD, send me.”

Are you willing to trust HIM to use your life to bless others & point to Him all along the journey? Then be willing to pray & ask for God to show you how He can use your life, too, with His help.

He won’t hesitate to use a willing heart to shine hope to those around them.

Shine HOPE by being willing to live for Him, knowing He’s the One to fill in your gaps where you lack. Because we ALL lack. But He doesn’t.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Silver Labradorite Set (EAST ASIA & INDIA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! Save $9.95 when you pair the Tortoise Textured Hoops with the Silver Labradorite Bracelet to create a complete fair-trade look! It’s perfect for gifting or styling yourself! Beautifully textured, the Tortoise Textured Hoops have a mirror effect that makes the bright silver color shine! The dainty details of this Silver Labradorite Bracelet will bring an elegant look to your ethical style with its silver and labradorite beads and one silver tube bead.

*****Every purchase creates necessary jobs for women in India & helps rescue women from brothels in East Asia.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Paranoia & Chronic Nightmares

I had always been a paranoid kid, & that trait followed me as I got older.

I don’t know if it was the scary audiotapes my friends pressured me into listening to at sleepovers in 4^th grade or the occasional scary movie my friend would “trick” me into seeing by saying, “it’s not that scary, don’t worry.”

Or maybe it was the chronic nightmares I had as a kid–always the same dream with minor variations—all leading to death.

Whatever the cause, I was always a very paranoid person.

Forget walking down a dark street… or even a dark hallway. Nuh-uh. NOPE.

I would get chills, like someone was watching me… like evil was lurking around every corner.

It probably didn’t help that I was addicted to young adult murder mystery books, either. Nancy Drew, anyone?

But here I was, a paranoid person… & in one night, all of that changed.

I Asked God to Try My Faith…

The night of my burning ceremony (see last chapter for the full story: Chapter 8), & deciding that I no longer wanted to rely on anything else for validation… not music that made me feel validated for deep feelings of pain that made no sense to me… not ex-boyfriend notes that made me feel seen/worthy of love… not accolades from years past that made me feel good enough… just Jesus…. That night changed my life forever.

If you remember from last chapter, in my journal, where I was supposed to be going through the PDF of possible strongholds & jotting notes & prayers & verses that came to mind as I worked through them… all I could get myself to write were 2 little verses:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)

“try me….”

Paranoia & Fear = A Weak Point in My Trust of God Almighty

You see, my paranoia & fear really showed that I believed, deep down, that dark forces (demons) could get me, when I should have been repenting of that lack of trust in God’s power reigning supreme & asking God to help me live as a conqueror in Him.

My paranoia displayed where I lacked trust in God Almighty to be Enough for me.

And that night, I would learn how GOD ALMIGHTY measured up to the dark demonic forces I feared so much.

The Night That Shook My World & Shifted My Perspective

I went to bed that night like any other night… probably still riding the high from our time at the park & making such a bold & firm decision to trust God above all else as my comfort & my hope.

You can guess that Satan did not very much like this decision.…

Well, the high didn’t last long. I drifted off to sleep & once again had another nightmare. Only, this time, when I woke up, the most terrifying thing happened that I have ever experienced in my life.

Paralysis Greeted Me When I Woke Up This Time

It was my habit, that when I woke up from my nightmares, very much feeling like it was about to happen in real life, I would bang on the wall & call for help because I thought we were actually in danger & I needed to warn everyone to protect them… to protect myself.

But sometimes, I would experience something called sleep paralysis, I believe is what it is called. Basically, when you wake up, you cannot move.

And this particular night, following my nightmare start from sleep, I could not move. My body was stiff & rigid & I could not even lift my arms up off the bed. I was seemingly pinned down by an invisible force. And when I tried to call for help… I found I could not speak… no sound came out no matter how desperately I tried.…

And That’s When I Saw It…

And as my eyes darted around my room, recovering from the nightmare that felt like it was real, trying to figure out how to call for help, my eyes landed on a dark black hovering shape between my bed & a window with moonlight pouring in. It was a very defined, very definite floating cloud of blackness.

And then, the voice. Inside my head. That was not my own voice. Dark. Deep. Menacing. A cruel, mocking male voice.

“You can’t move….” (mocking laughter) “You’re trapped & you can’t defend yourself, can you?” “Where is your big God now?” “He’s not going to help you.” “You’re all alone. With me. And I am going to take over you & you won’t be able to stop me.” (more sinister laughs, mocking me)

My Cry for Help

I tried with all my might to bang on that wall. I still couldn’t move.

I tried to scream for help. Still no words would come out. I was frozen & mute. I was trapped.

I started to cry & pray for help.

“God isn’t going to help you. Do you see Him anywhere? No. He’s not coming. You’re alone. I have control. No one is going to help you. Ha, ha, ha, ha. No one is going to help you. There is no hope. I’m in control now.” All inside my own thoughts, but not my own voice… a menacing male voice, his cackling rattling inside my brain.

I begged God to help me as I strained against the paralysis & eventually, an arm… just one arm… broke loose & I banged on the wall over & over & over again, still mute, but praying, BEGGING God to help me.

I Had Never Felt Terror Like This

In answer to my prayer, my Mom heard me & came running in to check on me. I was sobbing & frantic, terrified beyond belief, & even as she turned on the lights & came running to my side, I could see the dark black cloud hovering next to my bed & I could still hear the mocking voice & laughter inside my thoughts.

My voice returned, but all I could muster was, “Help me, help me, help me! Make it stop! Help me!” as I tried to explain what was happening. And as she leaned over, looking at me with concerned expression, her face all of a sudden took on that of a demonic image of terror, as if the demon was projecting its evil menacing, threatening grin through the face of my mom.

I was afraid to look at her anymore. I was so terrified I couldn’t think straight.

And then, my cat came to see me, concerned & scared, wanting to comfort me, so I scooped him up as my movement was restored. But as I held him, every time I closed my eyes, visions of him lunging at my throat would repeat over & over again until I pushed him away from me.

My Mom Reminds Me Who Is Ultimately in Control

My mom turned on my stereo to worship music & grabbed my Bible with a concordance & she just kept repeating: “You can’t give him power! Your panic is giving him power. You have to remember that God is bigger than anything he can say or do! You are saved by God’s grace, a demon cannot take you. He is lying to you & trying to get you to doubt God. Do NOT let him! He has no power & he knows it. He is lying to you! Here, look up POWER in the concordance & let’s start looking them up & reading them one by one. You need to remember who is really in charge here, no matter what that demon may be saying to you. God is the real One in charge, no matter what!”

And she made me read aloud every verse suggested by my Bible’s concordance referencing God’s power, one by one, reading about God’s power & authority on heaven & on earth.

And as we read, the voice quieted & the fear stilled.

I Thought It Was Over

I don’t know how long we read, but I just had this strong feeling that I needed to read EVERY verse listed because I needed it right then more than I really understood.

After reading a good amount of time, maybe getting through 2/3 of the verses, I hadn’t heard the voice in maybe 10-20 minutes & my mom eventually prayed with me & went back to bed.

My eyes were beginning to droop, the tired grogginess starting to set in from the sudden middle of the night wakeup… &, feeling some peace & quiet, I felt like I was okay to stop reading, turn off my worship music on the stereo, & try to go back to sleep… so I did.

But as I turned out the lights & crawled back into bed & closed my eyes, I heard his voice again. “Did you think you could get rid of me that easily? (cackling) No. I’m in charge now. I’m going to take over you & no one is going to stop me. Where is your God now? Still hasn’t shown up because He is not coming. You belong to me now & there is nothing you can do about it.” (more maniacal laughter)

I Determined to Finish the Task I Had Set Out to Do… Read Every Last One

So, I sprang out of bed, flipped on the light faster than I ever had before, turned my worship music back on, grabbed my Bible, & I determined to honor that heart nudging that felt so unmistakable: “Read every last verse listed in the concordance that references God’s almighty power in the Bible.”

And I did just that, tuning out the cackling, mocking words as I read God’s Word aloud.

Reaching the final referenced Bible passages, nothing had changed….

But as soon as the last words left my lips, in my obedience to God’s nudging on my heart to read every listed passage referencing His awesome power… something beyond amazing occurred.

God’s One THOUGHT Held More Power Than ALL of Satan’s Tactics… Satan Cannot Even TRY Without Allowance from God Himself

In that singular moment, it was as if a motionless SWOOSH swept through my room. All the terror, unrest, anxiety, fear, etc. just evaporated in an instant & was replaced by this feeling of absolute POWER. Like NOTHING could touch me. Like I was COVERED. Just absolute, fully-encompassing PEACE.

You see, in that moment, with the evil, lurking, hovering cloud of blackness, the sleep paralysis & muteness when I woke up, the threats, the mocking voice inside my own thoughts, the nightmare….

God didn’t have to OUTSHINE the blackness.

God didn’t have to bellow LOUDER than the menacing voice in my head.

God didn’t have to FILL my room with a size greater than him.

God didn’t have to do anything other than THINK: “enough.”

A single THOUGHT from God held more power than ALL the tactics that demon used COMBINED.

A thought.

That was it.

Nothing else needed.

WOW.

God Speaks & Creation Comes Forth… God THINKS & Work Is Done… God’s NAME Has Power… Our Infinite, Almighty GOD!

You may wonder how God could speak life into existence? I don’t anymore. Not after THAT.

You wonder why I believe when the Bible says God’s NAME alone has great power? Because a singular THOUGHT from God held more power than ANYTHING that demon could throw at me.

God IS the ultimate authority. God holds ultimate POWER.

My understanding of Satan & his evil forces of darkness may have shifted from an annoyance that picks on me & tries to tempt me, to seeing he holds real, actual power—read Job if you don’t believe me.

But let me tell you something right now. In all of his tricks & terrors of acting so much more powerful than ME… Satan’s power isn’t even worth MENTIONING when compared with the power of GOD ALMIGHTY, KING of kings, LORD of lords, Maker of Heaven & Earth, Redeemer, Father, Friend… GOD.

I Was Now Walking with My Confidence in GOD

From that day on, paranoia was nothing. I had seen what Satan could actually do… the power he really had… & compared with me? Terrifying.

But I didn’t have to rely on me versus him… but rather him versus GOD. And in that scenario, he’s nothing.

From that day on, I would get that creepy, crawly feeling while house-sitting & I would turn to face the darkness behind me & say into it with a loud voice, “In the name of Jesus Christ, you leave me alone!” And it would dissipate as if it were never there in the first place.

And my dreams began to change. Nightmares would begin… fear would start to rise… I would begin to run… but IN MY DREAM, something calm & assured would settle over me & I would turn to face whatever tormented me & say, “In the name of Jesus Christ, you leave me ALONE!” And the nightmare would fade & be replaced with peace & I would continue sleeping peacefully.

God has power, even in our DREAMS! His power has no limits, so don’t limit Him with lack of prayers for His help!

Satan Is More Powerful Than We Imagine & That Is Why God Says to Take Seriously Our Stand & Preparedness Against Him

Yeah, Satan is more powerful than we often give him credit for with our little red man depictions in cartoons, seeing him as more like a nuisance than a threat.

But he is a threat. He is at work more than we accredit him. And because we think so little of him, we often think far too little of our need for God… & of God’s power… & of heeding God’s call to stand firm, armor up, & resist. (Ephesians 6:10-20; James 4:7)

We need the armor God supplies. We need to stand firm. We need to flee the devil’s temptations. We need to take it seriously.

God Is Greater STILL–God Is Greater Than ANY Darkness

Even more so, we need to take the power of God more seriously.

We need to stop taking Him for granted & thinking we’re just fine with Him as our backup versus our LORD.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, as Proverbs 1:7 says, for a reason. Because we NEED to live with the understanding & recognition that God is GOD… & I am NOT.

Live like you need Him.

Because you do.

Claim the name of Jesus.

Shine HOPE by recognizing that God is greater than ANY darkness… & that His name ALONE holds more power than all the forces of darkness in this world. Claim the name of JESUS!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Yeti Ornament (NEPAL)

LIMITED EDITION – While Supplies Last! This adorable, festive Yeti Ornament from Nepal adds a touch of whimsy to your holiday decor! Each ornament is handcrafted using 100% wool and traditional wool crafting techniques that have been passed down for generations.

*****Your purchase provides a woman in an area of extreme poverty with a safe job and fair wage.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

It’s So Easy to Try to Rely on Myself

I think it can be easy to look at someone like me, who has a public platform sharing the hope we have in Christ, & think I have it all together & am the primo example of a “good Christian.” Well, sorry to disappoint.

Here we are on Chapter 8, as we walk together through the story of my life, & all we’ll find here are more ways I found to rely on myself, after EVERYTHING I have already been through & shared with you. God is CONSTANTLY having to refine me & weed out & bring attention to areas where I either compromise or think it’s up to me & not up to Him.

This particular season in my life was no different.

I Thought the Dark Was Over

A few chapters ago, I talked about my depression spiral & the mercy from God that it ended up being for me… how much I have learned about depression & struggling with my emotions—either too many or not enough. (You can read about that in Chapter 3 or in “Understanding Depression with Discernment.”)

Well, to be honest, since it was such a huge pivot point in my life, I really just thought my deep depression in high school was merely a one-time teaching tool for that very specific lesson He taught me through it.

So, when it started to hit me again (read: TORMENT me again), it caught me completely off guard & I spiraled FAST.

The defeat I felt. “I already got through this! God already helped me through this! What is happening!?”

And talk about DARK.

Crying (& Screaming) Alone

I used to go to our community park, drive all the way to the secluded back of the lot (usually only occupied during ballgames)… & I would lock my doors, put the seat down, & SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS in anguish & pain until sobs took over & then numbness set in as I stared blankly ahead, wishing I could make the unreasonable, unrelenting emotional pain stop.

Seriously, it felt like pain was being lashed onto my emotions uncontrollably. Like deep gashes & razor slits over & over & over on my heart. Just constant, heart-wrenchingly debilitating PAIN just relentlessly terrorizing me.

It made no sense. It was maddening because it made no sense. I could see the trigger, logically reason that it wasn’t that big of a deal, but my emotional response was like you had killed someone I loved. It was ridiculous & agonizing how little sense it made... but the pain was very much real.

Satan Exploits Our Weakest Moments

Aside from the messed-up brain chemistry involved, it was undoubtedly an attack. Satan was trying to get me to quit God & give up on life. I could feel that oppression in my BONES.

In my car one such day, as I was trying to release some of the built-up oppressive pain I felt so much of the time, crying, rocking on my side whimpering, to screaming… I remember very clearly thinking, “Satan, I’m already saved. I’m already going to heaven. Nothing you can do can change that, so why are you messing with me? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!”

And I prayed. A LOT. I begged. I pleaded. I cried for rescue. I said, “Please God, please God. I can’t. Please help me. Please. I can’t. Please help me!”

God saw me… God heard me… God had a plan… but the pain continued.

God Is Bigger Than Anything Satan Can Do

This was more than just emotions outpouring from poorly regulated hormones/brain chemistry or whatnot. This was Satan seeing me weak & frail & kicking me repeatedly in the gut while I felt defenseless, trying to get me to renounce Christ & give up living.

Satan did not want me to shine HOPE. He wanted me to be a warning—to make an example of me.

But God is greater. God doesn’t give up on us. And God ALWAYS uses our hard for our good. He NEVER wastes our pain when we entrust Him with it.

God Promises Tribulation & Hardship in This Sin-Filled World… But He Also Promises He Is the Overcomer

I’m sorry I can’t be one of those, “if you honor God, everything will work out like a charm & life will be all rosy with rainbows & sparkles.” That would be a lie.

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

God actually promises tribulation. He promises hardship. He promises we will be hated for our faith, just as Jesus, in all His perfection, was hated even to death. (John 15:18-27)

So, no. It won’t be all butterflies & sunshine. We live in a world broken by sin. It will hurt sometimes. That’s just fact.

God IS Our Enough

BUT, God promises to BE our Enough IN it.

To give us wisdom when we ask. (James 1:5-6) To comfort us when we are weak. (2 Corinthians 1:4; Isaiah 41:10; Psalm 73:26) To be our rescue when we cry out to Him as our help. (2 Samuel 22:17-20; Psalm 107) To strengthen & enable us in our weaknesses. (Matthew 11:28-30) He IS our sufficiency. (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

IN it.

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.” (Psalm 34:17-18)

From Thinking about… to Planning… Suicide

Well, that was the first time in my life, in all the days in my high school depression years & then in that period of time, that my thinking about suicide turned into planning my suicide.

It felt like the ONLY way to make the relentless, terrorizing day & night PAIN STOP.

Heaven was something I craved SO DEEPLY because the pain of living was that intense & overwhelming. I wanted it to stop. I NEEDED it to stop. I wanted to DIE.

And that reality scared me so much. I prayed for rescue & God pushed me to confess to my mom my plans.

In high school, my expression of a need for help wasn’t really understood to be as desperate a plea as it was, so I was scared to confide & if misunderstood, what that would lead me to do in my desperation, but I obeyed God’s nudge to confide & so I went & I confessed my plans for suicide.

I Got Help

God used that obedience to lead my mom to urge me to call the advice nurse line & eventually get help by way of a wonderful psychologist who helped me understand my brain chemistry & patterns better so I could create healthier patterns & defenses to protect myself from falling prey to the lies my misfiring emotional terrors were telling me.

God used her knowledge of the human brain to help me understand & fight back.

I am so thankful for what I learned through that experience. Not being a victim anymore, but having tools to recognize where my brain was failing me so I wouldn’t so easily fall victim to Satan terrorizing me through that weakness.

The Lingering Stronghold… What I Went to Instead of GOD for Help

But through it all, one little problem remained.

Whenever I was struggling or feeling terrorized or emotionally hurt… I would listen to music that backed me up & made me feel validated. You know, things like, “you don’t deserve that!” or “you deserve better!” or “I wish someone loved me more” or whatever.

I think it’s because the intensity of my emotions felt like an avalanche that I couldn’t tame or understand or justify… it made me feel crazy & broken… so music that made me feel justified in it gave me some sense of security.

What I really needed was to be pouring truth into my heart, rather than just seeking validation for my feelings, I needed to be seeking God as my hope in it… I needed to lift my heart & my hurts to HIM.

I needed to be intentionally lifting my heart in worship to God, singing of His goodness & mercy & love & hope, pouring sweet truths over my heart while lifting up the one true God Who is deserving of my praise & worship… shifting my gaze from the terrors to the One who gives me HOPE.

Lifting my eyes above the waves. Focusing instead on HIM.

God Is My Comforter & My Hope

And God opened my eyes to this problem by leading me to read through Authentic Beauty, by Leslie Ludy, with my good friend.

After reading this book, the author directs you to download a PDF & encourages you to take old boyfriend notes, or anything else from your past or present that you are clinging to for security in place of the One true God, our Father, through Jesus Christ… & burn them. Get rid of them for good. Make it impossible to run back to them.

And one day, with my friend, we brought things we were clinging to as our “this proves I matter to someone” or “this makes me feel validated” items, we lit a fire on a grill at the park, we separately prayed through our PDF list, & we burned our items when we felt ready to surrender them in exchange for seeking hope in Him alone.

The freedom I felt that day was indescribable. And I remember writing in my prayer journal that I had brought with me that day only 2 simple verses & nothing else.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)

I burned that binder of CDs worth hundreds of dollars & determined that day that I didn’t want to depend on anything other than Him as my hope & my salvation through the darkest trials I may face. God is my comforter & my hope.

What Are You Clinging to Instead of to Jesus?

And I would understand completely if you don’t at all believe what happened next to me. Both the most terrifying & the most perspective-shifting event I couldn’t ever imagine took place as a result of this simple prayer & it shook me to my core (in a good way)… but that’s for the next chapter….

So, what are you clinging to in place of Jesus? Where are you supplementing? Where are you trying to control your own happiness/security/validation? What do you feel you NEED to feel whole… that isn’t Jesus? That’s a stronghold & you need to get rid of it.

Shine HOPE by going to HIM in your darkest times. He knows where to get you help. He can sufficiently offer peace. He knows what you need more than you do. He knows what steps to take for healing. He has perfect wisdom. He cares for you. He is your supply. Don’t turn to anything else but Him… because you will not find hope anywhere else but HIM.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! (THIS IS BLOG POST #300!!!) THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Enchanted Set (INDIA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! Save $15.95 when you purchase this set, which includes the Enchanted Twist Cuff and the Enhanced Ruby Studs, that doubles your impact for women ending poverty cycles in India! The two designs pair perfectly to make a great gift or a holiday look for yourself! The Enchanted Twist Cuff features two thin, golden strands twisted together to create a beautiful design perfect for everyday wear. The stunning Enhanced Ruby Studs are made using faceted ruby stones set in a gold-tone frame.

*****Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty in India where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

God Cares About the Small Stuff

God is in the little details of life, have you thought about that fact?

I used to think God was just in the big stuff… that He was there to cry out to when things were crashing & burning… but God cares about me (about you) far beyond our comprehension.

Yeah, I know, I know. That ought to be obvious, right? I mean, God loves us so much that KNOWING we could not save ourselves from His wrath that we very much deserve in even EVER asserting that we know better than Him as the very One Who MADE us… He sent His own Son, Jesus (fully God AND man) to live a sinless life & eventually die willingly on our behalf, taking on the full weight of God’s wrath so that we don’t have to if we but accept that gift offered to each & every one of us for FREE (well, free to us, but it did come with great cost).

So, yeah, if He is willing to go to SUCH lengths to express His love for us… oh, & not even as a last resort… He KNEW from the beginning of time that it would be required in order to rescue us from our own wretched undeserving (Genesis 3:15)… how much more so would He be willing to be with us & care for us in the small details of life?

But it wasn’t always so obvious to me… it’s still something I struggle fully grasping, if I am completely honest with you.

How Can We Hear God?

It’s hard knowing how to hear God’s voice, to see Him as interacting with us in the small stuff, isn’t it? Between your own thoughts & temptations & lies of the deceiver (Satan- who is very good at deceiving) (John 8:44)… how can we tell the difference between our own thoughts, Satan’s, or God’s?

And how do we HEAR God when He doesn’t audibly SPEAK?

Those were questions I wrestled with for much of my growing up as a Christian. It made no logical sense to me, but I knew I was supposed to follow God’s lead & to do that, I needed to know how to tell when God was leading.

So, as with all things I have & do wrestle with…. I prayed & asked God for wisdom here.

How Do I Know It’s God Speaking to me?

I asked Him how to hear Him when I pray… how to tell it was Him… how to KNOW when it was Him. I wanted to recognize the voice of God, even just if understanding some idea or thought was His guiding me.

This was not a once & done prayer. I did not pray & then, BAM, now I know exactly how to tell! No, it took years of practice & growing & praying in this area of my life.

Ask God to Confirm When You’re Not Sure

We’re not supposed to test God (Deuteronomy 6:16), because that shows doubting He can or will, BUT, we can very much test WHETHER it’s OF God. Ie. “God, I want Your will & nothing more in this area, so if this is of You, please ___________________, to confirm & I will move forward in it knowing it’s Your lead.”

… Not testing/trying to control God or having God prove Himself… but a confirmation of His will so you know it’s of Him versus you merely WANTING it to be of Him or versus letting your fears/apprehensions call the shots instead.

Gideon is an example of this. (Judges 6:36-40) He was SO scared to obey God because the odds seemed so ridiculously NOT in his favor, so he was wanting confirmation that it was really a leading from God, & if so, & ONLY if so, he was then willing to go… knowing that if God really was leading this, even though he (Gideon) wouldn’t otherwise stand a CHANCE… He knew that God could handle the insurmountable odds just fine.

So, if you are learning to discern the voice of God in your life SO THAT you may follow Him & only Him, ASK FOR CONFIRMATION & TRUST HIM TO ANSWER!

And KEEP asking. Don’t ask one time, not get an answer, & then move on to your own wisdom to take over the lead. No. WAIT ON HIM. (Psalm 27:14) He has perfect timing. He is not caught off guard by anything ever. He doesn’t need a heads up. But trust Him to confirm versus running away or doing it your own way.

God Wants You to Know Him & God Revealed Himself to Us

Trust that God WANTS you to know Him, so praying to know how to tell it’s Him is something He very much wants for you. He is your Shepherd & He wants you to know & recognize His voice. (John 10:3-15)

READ THE BIBLE. I know, I know, this seems so cliché. But God’s Word is NOT just a “helpful life manual.” It is the Word of GOD. And not only that, but it is God-breathed. It is ALIVE & ACTIVE. His Word ALONE has POWER. (2 Timothy 3:26-17; 1 Peter 2:2-3; John 1:1-5)

When we feed on (read & think on) His Word, we NOURISH ourselves. We are strengthened with His might.

This isn’t just about knowing rights & wrongs, but about knowing God Himself!

And the more you take in His Word, the more you will be able to discern His leading, because it will always line up with His character & His promises. So, if you want to hear His voice, you need to get to know His Word.

How Do I Read the Bible When I Don’t Feel I Can?

If you struggle with this, as I did up until maybe 5 years ago, remember:

1. There is no set “Reading Plan” in the Bible, so stop quitting because you fall behind with a human-made plan. Just READ.
2. Satan will exploit every weak point in your determination to nourish your soul with the TRUTH of God’s Word, so EXPECT PUSHBACK. Maybe it’s stubbornness, bad attitude, I-don’t-want-to-hear-it type pride, headache, distractions, busyness, not knowing where to start, inability to concentrate… WHATEVER it is, Satan is guaranteed to pay attention to what works in keeping you away, so don’t let him win.
3. God is more powerful than Satan. And more powerful than all your obstacles & unwillingness combined. So trust that & PRAY FOR HELP. Trust that if this honors & pleases God (hint: it very much does) THEN He WILL help you do it. (1 John 5:14-15) So, PRAY & then DO IT.
4. You can also read some former posts I did on this subject if you’re needing some more encouragement here: a) “Intentionality: Reading & Studying the Bible for Yourself” & b) “How to Do the Things We Know We Should Do, But Just Can’t.”

As I continued to grow up, learning to trust God with more & to follow His lead in my life, He was patient with me & He used many instances to confirm that He heard me, that He cares for me (even in the little things) & that He is infinite & limitless—which means He will show up in the massive things just as much as He will in the little ridiculous things that matter to no one but you.

God Was Gentle with Jonah When He Was Less Than Deserving

Remember Jonah being all grumpy about the Ninevites not getting what they deserved because he finally listened to God, obeyed, & told them of God’s impending judgment if they refused to repent & turn to God (as God had asked him to do), & then those evil people repented & turned to God & God relented on His punishment…. Jonah was not at all happy. He wanted to watch them PAY for the wretchedness they committed—NOT to be offered a CLEAN SLATE. (Read the story of Jonah in the booked named after him, starting in Jonah 1.)

But what did God do? God provided shade for him to rest in his bad attitude/sulking. Jonah did not come around, as far as we know from God’s Word, but God still did this small act of kindness to show He cared regardless. (Jonah 4:6)

God Speaks… Are We Listening?

There have been so many examples of God hearing & God expressing His care to me.

From finding a way-too-expensive t-shirt I loved, feeling lack of peace about the price, wanting it anyway, but trusting that lack of peace, trusting God to know better, & putting it back, only to find it a month later on the clearance rack with only one left—& it being my size.

To having a $5 budget for DVDs, FINALLY finding one at that price that I had been wanting for over a YEAR, feeling that same lack of peace, carrying it around the store with me “just in case I get peace after all”, NOT getting that peace, trusting God to know better, putting it back grumpily, to then finding it for 50 cents at a yard sale that SAME weekend!

Don’t Try to Out-Logic God

To feeling like God was saying “NO” to going to a friend’s house when I had no homework, no incomplete chore responsibilities, nothing, so I “logic-ed” my way into going anyway, even though I felt a very obvious void of peace, only to be driving on a straight road in a storm toward her house, hear on the radio “He controls where every lightning bolt goes” & at that EXACT moment, a hugely bright lightning bolt strikes directly in my line of sight—I went home, never even knowing the why… but I knew it was Him.

To feeling a complete lack of peace about a trip to FL with friends where most of the expenses were covered, I had no job to take off work from, had savings to draw from, with friends I trusted, felt a complete lack of peace, angrily went anyway as if God just didn’t want me to have fun—only to face a near-death totaled car crash incident where it was a MIRACLE we all survived.

To how He confirmed repeatedly walk away from my first love, not knowing whether I could ever be loved like that again (Read about that story from last week, here: “Growing Up a Christian–A Grace-Filled Life, Chapter 6: God Knows Best Even with Love.”)…. But also, God confirmed repeatedly to stay with my now husband. (More on that story to come….) God KNEW. I didn’t. I’m glad I trusted Him.

God Cares About Us Even in the Moments Where No One Sees Us… God Does

To having the absolute worst day in college of waking up late, rushing to get ready, no time to wash greasy hair, wore wrong (uncomfortable) shoes on the day my class was across campus, had to run to the bus, missed the bus, & the cherry on top was that it was a HOT breezeless day… & as I panted from the running, choking back the sobs that threatened to release… I asked God for comfort as I held back my miserable whimpering. I asked God to remind me He was still with me & had me… & all of a sudden, this refreshing breeze swept across me & through my hair & I felt His comfort wash over me.

To being at a stoplight, restless & annoyed I missed the light, doing my secret ritual of counting down in my head, trying to get “0” to come just as the light changed… only to hear this thought of “you should have started at 8” & I adjust accordingly & I land on 0 JUST as the light changed—an encouragement that meant so much to me that day, like God was being silly right along with me so I would feel someone cared about me right then in my impatient frustration.

God Sees the Details We Can Only Guess About

To making plans to attend a college friend’s wedding with a group of friends that we were planning to split hotel & rental car costs, only to back out before we all paid/booked because I felt that same car-accident-on-the-way-to-FL feeling, having no real “makes sense” reason to offer my friends & feeling really awkward about that, but not wanting to risk another unforeseen tragedy God may be trying to warn me about… only to have one of the biggest snow storms we have ever had come through, blocking all routes to the wedding, forcing cancelations that I was free from dealing with.

God sees you. He knows you. He knows everything.

Don’t Speak for God

Have you ever had a nudge on your heart that didn’t make sense, so you just ignored it, only to wish you had listened to that initial nudge?

I make the mistake way too frequently of speaking FOR God. As in feeling a nudge to get my umbrella & then filling in the blanks with, “yeah, but God, I NEVER even USE my umbrellas whenever I have brought one, because I just make a run for it, so, no, I will not be bringing it,” as I shake my head thinking, “duh, God, You should know that about me by now.” (Wow, the arrogance, right?) Only to unexpectedly have to wait outside in line for something I can’t get out of by necessity for whatever reason, getting completely DRENCHED, (AKA cold, wet, & MISERABLE) because “I don’t use umbrellas so I’m not going to listen to God.”

God is SO all-knowing that NOT ONLY did He know it was going to rain (where I figured His knowing ended, hence my refusal to get said umbrella), but ALSO that I, who normally never uses an umbrella, would DESPERATELY wish she had one.

Don’t fill in the blanks for God. Don’t try to logic away His nudgings because they don’t make any sense to YOU. God sees all of everything all at once AND has perfect judgment—can you say the same about yourself?

God Cares Enough to Speak Up, Even When He Knows We’ll Be Rude About It

God doesn’t just know everything. He knows YOU. He knows what you will wish you had before you know you wish you had it.

I have felt convicted about eating a certain meal, for example, & so go on a spin of indignation toward God, thinking, “OH, I GET it. I’m fat & now I can’t ever ENJOY this because of it? Is that it? Well, I don’t CARE. It’s just a ONE TIME TREAT & I shouldn’t have to feel guilty about that!!!!” Only to get food poisoning & realize that maybe, JUST MAYBE, that is why God was convicting me about that one-time treat I got so defensive about. (smh)

It would be laughable if it wasn’t so arrogant. Me thinking I know better than God? EVER? Wow. Please forgive me, GOD ALMIGHTY!

God doesn’t guilt or shame you. He doesn’t pressure & rush you. He doesn’t “OR ELSE!” you.

Jesus already paid for all that, so why would God put any of that on you?

God Wants Us to Know Him

God is a gentle guide. He wants you to know Him. He wants you to recognize His still, small, gentle, loving voice. He wants you to trust His care for you. He wants you to trust His Word & spend time getting to know Him while nourishing your soul.

He wants you to obey, sure, but with His help. Not to be “good enough” but because He knows it’s what you need. God doesn’t need your help. Let go & trust His lead.

Trust that the more you spend in His Word & the more you ask for Him to teach you how to discern His voice & direction in your life, the more He will grow that certainty in you. It does take time, but it is worth it. God wants us to know Him & to know His voice.

Shine HOPE by letting God be God. By determining to pray & ask God to help you know His voice SO THAT you can follow it. By getting to know God through His Word given to us so that we may know Him & know HOPE.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Resilient Bracelet (CAMBODIA)

This adjustable handcrafted Resilient Bracelet is the perfect bracelet for everyday wear. Acid attack survivors in Cambodia hand bead these stunning bracelets with a varying bead pattern using seed beads and gold-tone plated beads. Each bracelet is adjustable with a slide-knot closure and is beautifully finished with coordinating beads.

*****Every purchase of this Resilient Bracelet supports the acid attack survivor in Cambodia who created it with a safe and dignified opportunity to earn a sustainable income.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

No Longer Compromising to Be Loved… But Still Feeling Unworthy of It

So, here I was, learning that I didn’t have to try to fit in or be cool to feel okay with myself (read about that in Chapter 5), but that didn’t mean the insecurities were all gone… I just no longer was foolish enough to believe that compromising on God’s design was the solution to my problem.

I still struggled with my appearance. I still wanted to be accepted. I still felt that I was a lesser choice because of how I looked & that I was too annoying…. I just was no longer willing to play a part to try to solve it.

But I still feared that I may never be enough to be loved.

He Was There, Standing Across the Room

In comes a new guy in my life, back about maybe 20 years ago.

I had been friends with some people who went to a college about 30-45 minutes from me & would visit campus to hang out with them on occasion. I felt included & grown up & cool as a fresh out of high school teenager hanging out with friends at their college campus. All grown up.

And one day, I saw him… he was standing across the room at a parent welcome-to-campus party, cup in hand, waiting in line to get a slice of pizza. We locked eyes, like in a movie, & I felt like my heart melted instantly.

I knew I had to know him.

Smitten

Soon, he was offering to get me a soda & I was dancing in my head.

And that’s how it began. I was smitten, & he expressed that the feeling was very much mutual.

Pretty much right away, we became the dynamic duo, spending all of our free time together.

I visited campus so much more than I ever had before & he would drive to see me at home as well. We were inseparable. We instantly hit it off, effortlessly.

There Was One Little Problem

The only problem was that he was not a Christian. He didn’t trust in Jesus with his life & his eternity.

Why is that an issue, you may ask? Well, all of my decisions were usually filtered through prayer, through seeking God’s thoughts on things… & if I were to marry this man, I would need to submit to the decisions of someone who did not seek God as His guide in life…. Who did not seek God’s glory as his motivation in life.

I thought that maybe I could help change his mind, but what happened was that to smooth things over & avoid uncomfortable disagreements, I started to keep my mouth shut, which in turn led me to not bring God into everything as I once did.

I was compromising again for the sake of peace in our relationship. I loved him too much to let go.

I Was Accepted & Cherished & Loved… & I Didn’t Want to Let That Go

But, it was too late. I had already fallen hard for this guy. For the first time in my life, fat & all, I was accepted & cherished & loved.

God used his love for me to show that I was capable of being loved just as I was, flaws & all… insecurities & all… & in turn, showed me how God could love me flaws & all, too.

Sure, I may have dated other guys who loved me, or thought they did, but it was all during the time when I was trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be… I didn’t feel freedom to just be me & have that be enough, even bad days or days when I was feeling grumpy or crabby or nonsocial—not that they couldn’t have loved the real me, but rather that I never had given anyone the chance to do so before this particular relationship.

It felt so refreshing, so freeing to finally feel available to be myself & nothing more… & to feel loved in it. Before this man, I truly doubted that was even possible. I thought surely, if I were to reveal my true heart on bad days or if I were to be a less than ideal girlfriend, anyone dating me & seeing that would obviously see the truth & want out eventually… it felt inevitable.

I Truly Felt This Was a Once-in-a-Lifetime Thing

I had a commitment phobia. A fear of letting myself believe I was loved only to eventually see them turn & walk away because they realized I really am too ugly, or too fat, or too gabby, or too boring, or too lame, or etc. etc. etc. Either too something or not enough something.

But, I was letting him love me. I was letting someone love me. I was believing I could actually BE loved. This was HUGE!

A once-in-a-lifetime thing is what it felt like.

But… The Wall

I knew I wanted to marry him. I had never been so sure about that before. I always had doubts somewhere.

And that was the thing… I realized the doubts were there… they were just not about whether I was truly loved or whether I truly loved, but rather whether my marrying him would honor & please God Almighty.

But I was already in love. So, my prayers to God were more like begging than asking… More about WHEN than WHETHER.

And every single time… the only, singular response I ever got to my seeking of answers was like a brick wall too high to climb… complete lack of peace.

As if God Himself were the guard standing between me & the man I loved, saying, “thou shalt not pass.”

Just a Giant “Not Right Now”?

So, I figured it just meant “not right now,” & that if this guy accepted Jesus, well then everything would surely be a green light. I thought I would just be a light & pray for him & then God would give His blessing… that it was surely, merely just a giant “not right now,”

But my compromises grew instead of my light shining any brighter. I wanted to keep the peace & not start anything… so I stopped bringing up anything having to do with God & because I spent most of my time with him… I stopped really turning to God, too.

I kept asking. I kept getting the brick wall as a response.

I would grit my teeth & ask again, determined not to let go of the only person I felt really knew me & actually loved me the way he did. I trusted & loved him & I wasn’t willing to let that go. He was my security blanket that someone actually loved me.

That someone actually COULD love me.

But God kept saying no. I dragged it on so long that this man knew I was wrestling with it but that I wouldn’t admit it. He started to withdraw. I started to cling.

I cried a lot. I begged God a lot.

But God said no.

And He Wasn’t Even the Only One I Hurt…

And eventually, I had to let him go or risk hurting him beyond all the damage my delays had already caused… my holding on & refusing to let go.

It broke me. Hurting him like that broke me. I mourned our relationship for about 5 years it broke me so deeply.

I locked away my heart & had thrown away the key after that. I never wanted to hurt someone I loved like that ever again. I never wanted to believe in love & have it ripped away like that ever again.

And as the cherry on top, I ripped the heart out of a dear friend who cared about me more than I knew, who pursued a relationship with me, only to have me go back to the man I loved in the middle of all of it, thus humiliating & crushing my dear friend in the process. He had been only kind & I was so desperate to believe that it could work with the man I loved that I was willing to crush another man who had only been the dearest of friends to me.

Two heartbreaks in one… three if you counted my own.

I swore off ever making that mistake again.

God Had the Key from Then On

Unless God were to provide the key, to make it clear it was His move, not mine… I was not willing to ever jeopardize the heart of someone I cared about again. (No wonder I made it so hard for my now husband to pursue me. I was so desperate not to ever make that same mistake ever again.)

The day I said goodbye to that man was the day I accepted not knowing whether I would ever be loved like that again, or whether I could ever love like that again.

And I never told him why, either. I let him hate me because that seemed far more favorable than ever giving him reason to hate the God who loved him more than he could ever comprehend… Who gave His Son, Jesus, to pay the debt he owed Him.

My feelings were strong & sure, but I knew, deep down, that God would always know better than me & as much as it broke my heart… I wanted to trust God more than I trusted myself… to recognize & hold firm to the fact that God will always know best, even with love.

Today, I Know, But Then, I Didn’t

I couldn’t understand why God would let me fall in love, only to rip him out of my life. That fact haunted me for years to come & the grief would sometimes catch me completely off guard after hearing a favorite song of his or seeing a movie we saw together, etc.; & would send me into pools of tears long after this man had no doubt moved on with his life.

Today, I have hindsight bias… because today, I can see who I am married to & that I am loved & that I love. But I didn’t have that luxury back then.

For all I knew, my one chance for that opportunity was sacrificed in order to honor & obey God, by giving Him something I had coveted my whole entire life—an opportunity to feel truly loved just as I was.

I didn’t understand, but I knew that somehow, God did.

And I was at least grateful for the reassurance that however hard I was on myself in my feeling unworthy of love, God had granted me an opportunity to see that I could very well be loved & to love in return. What a blessing that was to me, even in the midst of all that hurt.

A Love Story for Another Day

I am now married to my husband, Jamie. I believe wholeheartedly that God set aside my love life to be reserved for him… that God has a plan in bringing us together. And I am grateful to God for that beyond measure.

But that love story will have to wait for another chapter… another day.

God Knows Best… Even with Love

Maybe you don’t have the luxury of hindsight bias right now. Maybe you’re so in love but feel a tug of hesitation on your heart that you just can’t shake… but the fear that this is your one chance to be truly loved is crippling you from letting go.

Pray. Be willing to trust God to know better than you… to trust that He loves you enough to say no to what you’re too scared to let go of… that He is looking out for you.

Maybe you feel you made the wrong choice & didn’t wait “long enough for God to work.”

Pray. Be willing to trust that God can redeem. God can rescue. God can heal. God can lead. God can strengthen. God can give wisdom. Trust that God can make a way where there is no way.

Maybe you feel imprisoned by your yearning to feel that you can be loved just as you are. You feel like you are destined to be alone forever because you feel it’s all you’re good for.

Pray. Be willing to trust that God knows what He’s doing. God doesn’t make mistakes & that includes you. God has not forgotten you. God has perfect timing. God is sufficient in ALL things… even this… even with love.

Shine HOPE by determining to obey God, even when it doesn’t make any sense to you, even when it feels it will render your heart unrepairable. Trust Him even then. Because let me tell you… God knows best… even with love.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

November 2023 Hope Mail (HAITI & INDIA)

Who do you know that would love a beautiful package filled with hope in their mailbox? This exclusive November Hope Mail package makes a great gift for any occasion! Enjoy free shipping on this November Hope Mail package that includes our Joyful Nativity Ornament from Haiti, Sari Hope Hoops from India, and our Joy to the World Sticker mailed in a stylish Fashion as a Force for Good envelope.

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

I Felt Fat, Ugly, & Unwanted

I grew up believing I was fat & that fat equals ugly & that ugly equals little to no value in the eyes of those around me.

Looking back on photos, I realize I wasn’t at all fat… I just wasn’t skinny or athletic… but that doesn’t change how I perceived myself back then.

Now, I would like to tell you that I immediately turned it over to God to trust that my value was in the fact that He made me & He saved me from myself, through Jesus… but, as I mentioned last week, I was still beginning to understand the fact that God is very present & wants to help with things like this.

So, I thought it was up to me to figure it out. And I thus sought to compensate for my very real feeling of LACK.

I Didn’t Fit In… I Mean I REALLY Didn’t Fit In

So, I worked out my own plan to help others overlook my so obvious slew of personal flaws with my weight, my clueless style taste, my never understanding jokes, my growing-up-homeschooled-as-a-kid (if you know, you know–when I was a kid, co-ops & other group sports & activities weren’t so established yet for the homeschool community as they are now), etc. aka I did NOT fit in.

I studied, by observation, what got the attention of my peers. What made them laugh, what they talked about, what they gossiped about. What they liked, what they made fun of, what they hated. I became a student of my peers, desperate to find a way to be of some value & find a way to fit in somewhere, to have friends, to belong, to be liked.

“Technically Not Sin…”?

Satan really fooled me on this one, just as he did with Eve all that time ago. (Genesis 3) He handed me an idea & I eagerly snatched it from his hand as the solution to my big problem. “As long as I don’t ‘technically’ sin, (aka sex-outside-of-marriage), then I’m sure it’s fine.”

By the way, in case you have convinced yourself otherwise (like I did), it’s NEVER a good idea to try to walk the fine line between direct disobedience & “technically” not sin. You’re certainly not fooling God & it never ends well.

But that is surely what I did. I became crass & crude, working for the shock factor. I dressed for attention. I trained myself in becoming appealing to others–to be likeable, easy-going, & have an air of confidence–all with innuendos & crude jokes.

The problem? Those others didn’t really even like ME. They liked the me I projected to them, didn’t they? Only a few actually knew the real me.

It became an act I couldn’t put down without risk of being found out as “just another fat, ugly loser” (again, how I perceived others would see me). That was my very real perception of the matter then & I was desperate not to be labeled in that way.

Why Words Matter

I am not proud of the me I was in that time in my life, but I can sympathize with her because I knew how scared I was to be alone in the world.

The pressure is very real. You overhear rude comments about others, see people criticized for every mistake or flaw on social media post comments, are told rude things by people you love… & it all feels like you better measure up or you’re worthless in this world.

Especially in middle school, high school & even college years. Words matter, people! How we talk about & talk to people matters.

Something Felt Off

I watched my peers carefully for, (no, I STUDIED) every chuckle, burst of laughter, knowing smile, reciprocated flirtations, shocked face, look of approval, etc. I was learning how to be what everyone seemed to want from me.

And I felt power in that… like a puppeteer who could spin a word or phrase into something inappropriate at the tip of a hat & watch as her audience responded favorably, internally smiling at the success.

I thought I had it all figured out. I was worth something. I was wanted.

But something felt off. Like a glitch that would jolt the success to less-than-satisfying, before I would shove that feeling down & remind myself that this is what I wanted.

But was it?

If this is what I wanted so badly, why did it feel kind of ick sometimes? What was I missing?

I Thought I Had It Made

Boys flirted with me every day & hit on me, like I was worth being hit on.

Everyone laughed at my crude crassness & my twisting of everything inappropriately to get the desired shock factor. People liked it.

I felt in control instead of a loser.

I felt desirable instead of fat.

I felt wanted.

So, why did something feel off?

FINALLY, I Wondered If God Could Help Me… But I Was Too Afraid to Really Ask

I started to finally pray about it & ask God His opinion… but I was so disillusioned that I wanted to believe my actions were far from sinful because I “wasn’t actually, technically doing anything wrong.” But every time I prayed, that disillusionment would slip a little & I would feel guilt & shame take its place. I didn’t like that.

That didn’t feel good. I mean, I wasn’t TRYING to be sinful, I just wanted to be wanted & liked so badly. I wasn’t trying to dishonor or displease God or anything.

Then it became too scary to pray. I didn’t like my successful measures being put into question. I was finally happy! I was finally wanted!

Or… was I…?

My Disillusionment Was Slipping

This went on for at least a couple years, surprisingly, even following my depression-shattering experience. (Read about that in Chapter 3.) I really was fooled. And I really was foolish.

But the pang seemed to only get stronger as time went on. My stuffing it down became less successful. Something felt off about all of it & I didn’t want to let go.

I didn’t want to be the fat, ugly loser that nobody wanted. That seriously felt like my one alternative & I was NOT interested in going back to feeling that way.

But that pang became an ache inside my heart. I somehow felt used even though I was initiating the inappropriate comments.

I felt gross.

And as time went on, God helped me realize why… something He had tried to wake me up to many times prior: “What they love is not you… it’s who you pretend to be for them to like you…. That’s not real love. It’s all fake. It’s all a show.”

That hurt. It cut me deep. And it scared me. I didn’t want to be alone.

My Way Didn’t Actually Work… It Just Left Me Feeling Empty

All of it was for nothing, because deep down, I still felt like the fat, ugly loser I believed I truly was under the façade I had so carefully crafted for the world to see…. And if that façade were to slip for a single moment, or if I didn’t feel I had the desire to keep it up for even a day, I knew all of that would come crashing down & mean nothing because they would all see the truth.

It was exhausting, quite honestly. It had become my prison.

My desperate need to be wanted & accepted had caused my compromise that didn’t actually even fix or solve my problem.

So, timidly, I began to pray… SCARED.

I Was So Scared to Pray… That God Would Convince Me to Stop & That I Would Lose Everyone

I was terrified that praying to this end might mean the loss of everyone who supported me or cared about me… that they would see how boring & uninteresting & ugly I really was & that would be it… it would be confirmed as they all turned their backs on me & forgot I existed.

I was terrified of that!

But, I needed out of this prison somehow, so I figured that if anyone knew who I was meant to be, it would be the One Who made me—GOD.

So, timidly, I began to pray to that end, as scared as I was of the result.

My Prayers Went Something Like This:

“God, to be honest, I am scared to ask for Your opinion & help in this. I’m afraid that You will confirm what my heart suspects, that even though I am not “technically sinning” as I have determined, I am still dishonoring You with my actions. I’m afraid that it would mean I have to stop & that friends won’t want to be friends… that they’ll all gradually fall away because I won’t be interesting or fun anymore. I’m afraid they won’t want me as just a fat girl with nothing else to offer. I don’t know who I am anymore without this. This has been my life for YEARS. How can I just change? I won’t feel ME anymore & that terrifies me. What if there is nothing left if You take this away from me? What if I lose my value? What if I am alone? But God, something in me feels ick & I can’t shake it anymore. Something feels off. I feel trapped by this image I have created for myself. I don’t like that either. I don’t know what to do anymore. So, please, God… if ANYONE knows who I am… it would be You… because You made me. So help me to see who YOU made me to be. Even if I lose everyone I care about, I want to see me in Your eyes, how You intended… not my determining anymore. Your way. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”

God Began to Shift My Heart & Make It New

I prayed something similar to that for MONTHS… & little by little, those quick retorts & innuendos just sort of faded away. I lost the desire to play along or try to play a part to be liked. It just didn’t seem to matter so much to me anymore.

I started to realize that I was going to be just fine. This confidence started to bubble up in me that I had never experienced before… like I didn’t really care if they approved of the changes in me or not anymore. It really surprised & delighted me.

That I was okay just being me.

Of course, I didn’t fully understand who that was really yet, but I felt okay letting God help me figure that out versus trying to mold to everyone else’s ideals, opinions, or desires of me.

God made me… not me… not them… GOD.

And I wanted HIM to have the final say on who I was from then on.

God Made Me, I Didn’t

If anyone knew who I was created to be, it was going to be the very One Who created me. My loving God Almighty, Creator of heaven & earth, Redeemer of my soul, through Jesus Christ.

If you are feeling stuck in a world of trying to fit in… to cover up or compensate for your flaws in order to feel “wantable” or accepted… just know that you aren’t alone in that. But also know that God is big enough in that struggle as well, because He made you & He loves you so very much. You don’t have to pretend with Him.

Shine HOPE, by not letting opinions, insecurities, the world, family, upbringing, culture, or anyone else define you. Leave that up to the One Who MADE YOU.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Cacao Tea (GUATEMALA)

Enjoy a smooth and flavorful blend of 100% Guatemalan loose-leaf tea, made of the roasted husks of cacao beans. Every purchase supports families in areas of extreme poverty in Guatemala with safe jobs and fair wages.

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Gaining a Sure Foundation

And there it was: I had surrendered my life to Jesus when I was just 5 (“Chapter 1“), gone through a whirlwind of doubts that sent my life into a tailspin, starting in middle school (“Chapter 2“), faced 2 of the darkest years of my life, only to discover that those dark years were a significant & sufficient display of God’s mercy & His truth (“Chapter 3“). All of my doubts on Who the true God were… were squashed. I now KNEW that I knew that I knew that HE was the right & only true choice for hope & heaven.

God had used that dark time to show me that if I had absolutely nothing, but I had Him… I had everything.

Hope was solidified. I was set free from my prison/whirlwind chaos of doubts. I was praising God for the darkness that had revealed Him as the one & only true light of hope. I now had a sure foundation on which to build my life.

A Forever Work in Progress

BUT, even though I had been a Christian (a believer on Jesus Christ as my HOPE from my sin debt to God, for heaven) since I was 5 years old & even though I had now had this magnificent display of God’s sufficiency, authority, & grace through the 2 years of depression being what squashed my years of unstable doubtings… I didn’t become perfect along with it.

I was still human (still am), which means I still made mistakes & had wrong thinking (still do).

Sanctification, the weeding out (by God’s Holy Spirit working in us) of the human nature/fleshly will, actions, thoughts, etc. & replacing them with that which honors & pleases God, is something that will not be completed in its entirety this side of Heaven. I will forever be a work in progress.

And although I strive to lay down or put away from me those things that dishonor or displease God, I am never going to be perfect at it. And the more I grow, the more I see my very real need for Jesus.

Failing Forward

We grow up observing the world around us & drawing conclusions & forming patterns of thinking that we don’t always think to stop & question whether they entirely line up with God’s will & way. That’s why we need His help working in & through us.

There are many instances throughout my life that I could very clearly see that while I would be tempted to drown in the ocean of my recognized inadequacies, God so graciously takes me one step at a time, in His patient, kind, gentle timing.

Sometimes, He didn’t even address the main thing that, looking back on, I would call the more important issue. He knew I am human & am flawed & have flawed human thinking. He took me one step at a time, patiently, kindly, gently. They weren’t the end-all-be-all for Him.

I think at times that I am more pushy with myself than He is with me. It’s as if He has this overarching understanding that “Jesus paid for & sufficient in that inadequacy, too,” that I forget sometimes. It’s just me failing forward.

Not Used as an Excuse When We Know What Is Right or Wrong, Though

Now, do not misunderstand me on this. I am not saying He excuses wrong thinking/actions as “not that bad” or that I ought to not take it seriously in my seeking to honor & please Him with my life because of Jesus covering it.

I am saying: If it is not directly a sin or an act of disobedience against Him, but merely skewed understanding or an immaturity in an issue that I still need to grow in… He is patient in leading & growing me versus, “YOU MUST UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING RIGHTLY RIGHT NOW, OR ELSE!” Sanctification will take a lifetime+ & He very well knows that.

He knows those things don’t change my status of rightness before Him because Jesus’ perfection & sacrifice on the cross covers ALL of my imperfections & inadequacies & lacking. He is my Sufficiency.

But it ought never be used as an excuse to continue on in what He does call disobedience or sin… because that is very obviously NOT honoring or pleasing to Him. It’s disrespectful & mockery to the gift for which He gave His all through Jesus.

Learning to Trust Him Every Day

So, in the months that followed my release from my spiraled depression prison, He spent time building my trust in Him in the day-to-day versus just counting on Him for someday Heaven.

I remember so many little things of this nature, but obviously, even a book series could not cover all the ways He showed up in my life, teaching & guiding me in His perfectly loving, gentle, PATIENT way. Seriously, emphasis on PATIENT because sometimes I feel like God thinks to Himself, “Michelle, how many times do you need to learn this lesson to not have to learn it again?”

I was learning to trust Him every day, not just relying on Him for Heaven someday.

God Wants Us to Know His Character & His Love for Us

Yes, God cares about our obedience. Yes, God cares about our sin. Yes, God calls us to love Him with all we have. Yes, God calls us to honor Him with our choices & do all we do for His glory. Yes, God says to avoid certain things because He knows it will harm us.

BUT, God also cares that we know His character & His love for us just as equally as all of that.

The problem is, sometimes it’s just really hard to marry the two. The tendency is to either focus so much on His call for obedience & holiness that we see God as a bossy, controlling Master, OR, we focus so much on His love that we excuse away our slack choices & wrong behavior/thoughts “because God loves us.”

BOTH are wrong on their own. We need both TOGETHER.

God Wants Me to Know HIM, Not Just One Side of Him

So, after He made it irrefutably clear to me, through those 2 years of dark depression, that He alone is the One, True God, squashing my doubts about His authority, His offered salvation, & His love for me once & for all… He then began to reveal more of Himself to me as I sought to know Him more.

I wanted to KNOW Him, not just casually, but personally. It didn’t happen overnight… it takes a lifetime+ of learning to obey Him & trust Him. (Hint: Obedience Grows Faith.)

And little by little, as I called out to know & love Him more… He lovingly revealed Himself as trustworthy, caring, & kind through small acts of love. Nothing extraordinary… except to me.

A Small Display of His Kindness

There was one instance in particular that stands out to me & it happened more than once.

I would be out shopping, come across a DVD I had been wanting ON SALE, would get excited… & then feel a complete void of peace about buying it.

I would scoff & think, “Oh, what, is this not good enough? Am I supposed to only buy boring movies now? Is this wrong? Nothing in it is really bad because there’s no inappropriateness in it, but I guess it’s not good enough? (I automatically always assumed God was a dictator guilting me away from any & all fun to “prove myself worthy”–the whole problem that led to my depression spiral–can you see how I never seem to learn my lessons the first 10 times?) Maybe I’m just imagining it because it’s not a Christian movie or something. Maybe it’s all in my head. Maybe God doesn’t care. I’ll just get it. No, I can’t… something feels off & I can’t get over it. I’ll just keep shopping, keep it in my cart, & pray about it until checkout time. Then, I’ll decide.”

I would get in checkout, pray one last time, & still feel this wall of “don’t pass” aka a complete lack of peace about it & I would take a deep breath of resignation & say, “Ok, God. You win. I don’t get it, but I know You’re pushing back on this for whatever reason & I don’t want to risk disobedience if that really is the case here, so I won’t get it, okay? I won’t get it.” And I would tell the cashier I changed my mind on the DVD & move on.

God Is GOD. I am NOT… &, He Loves US

A week later? I would find that exact DVD at a thrift store for 50 cents OR a friend would have gotten an extra as a birthday gift & decided to give me the spare–like I said, this happened more than once & this was my thought process each & every time. I’m dense sometimes, I know.

God knew. I didn’t. I accused Him left & right when all He was doing was saying to me, “Michelle, I know everything. You don’t. I see everything in advance. You don’t. PLUS, I care about you. You can trust me, Michelle. I love you more than you know.”

He didn’t address the “whether I should get it” or the “whether it really was the best choice….” To look back & think, “wow, that was not the best choice for me to be making, but He let me make it knowing He is big enough to work through even my less-than-best choices.” God doesn’t jump to guilt trips, manipulation, shaming, etc. He gently, lovingly, & PATIENTLY guides us.

And oh how humbling that is!

He Is Not My Accuser; He Is My Redeemer

He is not shoving all of my shortcomings in my face, but rather, He is gently bringing attention to them one-by-one & walking me through them hand-in-hand, gently & lovingly sanctifying me, even then, all those years ago.

He knows it’s not a matter of my salvation—Jesus paid for that & I already accepted that free gift. Nothing I can do will ever earn & repay that. I am not enough. Period.

He knows it is not a matter of direct disobedience to His Word—AKA “I know the Bible says NOT to do this, but I found a loophole to enjoy it & ‘get away with it.’” That would make a mockery of His gift, a spitting in His face action.

But He is also not at all satisfied leaving me in my brokenness & He will always be diligent in fighting for me through His working in my heart, thoughts, & life. Because He cares too much for me not to.

Same goes for you, too.

Choose Him Today & Every Day After

If you have been rejecting or “putting off” accepting His gift, please stop it. You’re only hurting yourself. He’s worth it.

If you think you would be “missing out” by accepting His gift or living His way, that is a huge, fat LIE. He IS our fulfillment.

Our heart is so deceitful & wicked. We are bent toward sin nature, so it feels natural—because it is! But God is worth our surrendered hearts. He CARES for us & KNOWS what’s best for us. He can be trusted every time.

This was only the beginning.

Seek to Know & Love Him More… & He Will Reveal Himself to You

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7) He longs for you to know Him.

If you struggle to see Him in small moments such as my DVD instances, ask Him. Say to Him, “God, I want to know You like that. I want to trust You more. I want to live through Your help & guidance more so I can please & honor You more. And please help me to do my best to please & honor You even if I struggle. I believe, Lord, help my unbelief. (Mark 9:24) In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”

Doubting is not an excuse to sin or to live your way over His. Seek Him & You WILL find Him–He wants to be found by you.

Shine HOPE by being a living testimony to the fact that God CAN be trusted & He LOVES us so much more than anyone else ever could.

Coming Next Week

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As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

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