A Quick Thank You for Your Prayers

First of all, I want to thank you for your graciousness if you checked for my blog post last week & missed it. We had a sudden loss in our family & we are all still in an adjustment phase of life right now. I will share more when it is more appropriate, but please continue to pray for our family.

Pivot Moments

As you may know, I have been working through retelling major pivotal moments in my life where God shone through in the toughest of circumstances & different areas where He grew me beyond what I thought capable.

God is an awesome God. He is limitless & infinite & has unconditional love for us, demonstrated by Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross to redeem us for our wrongs if we but ask.

This week, I am taking us a step back to share another amazing thing that came through the reading of “Authentic Beauty”, by Leslie Ludy.

Looking Back & Lessons Learned

I mentioned a couple weeks ago about the encouragement to destroy a stronghold that had been keeping me captive—keeping me from finding freedom & healing through the leaning into the strength, wisdom, & power of God.

I also mentioned the demonic attack that came after that decision & action, overshadowed completely by God making everything calm with a single thought. His power infinitely overpowers the worst Satan can try against us.

But this week, I wanted to share with you the spark that encouraged me into ministry.

He Makes Me Worthy

First, let me just say that I am no one extraordinary. I am not super disciplined. I am not the most eloquent speaker. I am not even sinless or temptation-free (no one is). I have made & continue to make my fair share of mistakes.

I am just a girl… A daughter of the King. Not because of anything I specifically deserve, but because of the redemption I have found in submitting to Christ.

I still have a naturally fleshly heart that wants to rebel & question & wander. I have to continually check myself & pray for God to rein me back in with His truth, love, & grace.

God created everyone with a God-designed purpose, but we often drown that out by listening to the world instead of leaning into Him.

Learning to Lean into God Above Myself

I am not good at leaning into Him. I am good at relying on myself & the wisdom I far too often rely on, based on human understanding versus the wisdom of our all-knowing, loving God.

I am to be taken with a grain of salt, checked against with Scripture Truth… a human with limitations, temptations, & continual failures.

But I am redeemed & I am learning (by leaning into God for help to do it) to trust God’s plan over mine… to let Him define me & not my own desires or understanding or scars… to let Him shape me into the woman He created me to be.

It was that spark of realization that began my journey of striving to a be a light for Christ in my life.

He Created You with Purpose, Too

And He can do the exact same for you. Because you are just as much created by Him with purpose as I am (flawed past, present, & future included).

He is just as capable of changing you from the inside out as He has & is doing with me.

God is the power behind the will & act of change (Hint: because of my strong will, I have to pray often for even the DESIRE to submit to this change & His purposes–& He is faithful to shape my heart. We don’t have to try to outwill ourselves without His help).

Lean into Him… Not me… Not yourself… Not others.

“Someone Else Can Do It”

I am not immune to the trends of culture. I long believed that it was always “the church’s” job to do the work within the church. But who is “the church”?

We are.

I always used to let everyone else do the ministry work, thinking that work was for pastors & “super spiritual” people. I was believing a lie born of the devil.

I was letting the devil convince me to sit on the sidelines, keep my mouth shut about the hope of Christ, treat church like a Christian country club, & let others do the heavy lifting.

I thought I wasn’t good enough to lead or to do much of anything.

But, God.

But God designed the church to work like a body, each serving a purpose to edify, lift up, encourage, & point others to the hope found only in Him.

Whether sharing the Gospel hope brought by Jesus Christ, cleaning up after others,  bringing meals to those suffering, helping with financial support, going out into the community to love & to serve, or leading a Bible Study… etc. etc. etc….

… Ministry isn’t just from a pulpit. It’s not a pastor only job. It’s a day by day living for Christ & being a light in the world for Christ. It’s leaning into Him & His Truth & being a living outpouring of that hope, truth, & love.

I Was Called… You Are Called

And when I finished reading that book, among a couple others I cannot recall, I realized that reality.

I, as an individual was… & YOU as an individual are… called to live for Christ… not to sit on the sidelines while the world despairs through their own human wisdom & understanding.

We’re in a war & we are too often letting the enemy dictate the rules of the battle instead of leaning into our Almighty God.

We need to join the church body, not just to do what is glamorous or fits what pleases us or makes us look good. We need to do what needs to be done.

I did not set out to run a blog, but followed the prompting of God’s leading to be a light in this world, but it started back then, with a spark to do more.

What is God calling you to? What is His design for you?

Take the time to pray it over & keep praying until it’s clear… & pray for the will to start praying, if that’s what it takes.

… & start by serving the church where you can.

Lean into God & let Him lead you. Shine HIS hope, through His power & wisdom.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Restoring Hope Necklace

This versatile necklace features mother of pearl in hues of black on one side & off-white on the other, hanging from an antiqued brass chain.

Artisan Information:

In Asia, poverty leads many women to be sexually exploited in brothels. These women want to provide for their families but have so few options. But through your purchase, women are being rescued from these brothels & rehabilitated. Holistic care is given to these women, including a shelter, job training, healthcare, counseling, & educational grants for themselves & their children. You can help these women experience restoration for their future!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Asia!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Hold Up

I was reminded, upon completing last week’s post about “Falling in Love, Heartbreak, & Learning to Trust God’s Plan,” that I neglected to mention a special pivotal moment of discovering who God made me to be, despite who I thought I was already.

Shaping Our Identity

Growing up, we all sort of grow to believe who we think we are, based on what our parents or others say about us or based upon stereotypes that the world presents to us.

We form our idea of “self” based on so many different internal & external factors: our desires, our fears, our insecurities, our successes, our failures, our wants & the way others view us or talk about us (among many other things).

We also create habits of self-protection to either save face or prevent a future hurt.

Insecure & Unsatisfied

For me, I grew up severely insecure about my appearance—so much so that I would shower with a t-shirt on & was afraid to see my face in the mirror because I was too afraid to look at myself.

I saw myself as unlovable & disgusting.

But, in my late teens/early twenties, I was determined not to stay stuck in a place of self-loathing because, like so many of us, I just desperately wanted to feel like I was worthy to be loved by someone.

I Had a Plan… A Plan That Backfired

So, instead of praying about it, I created a self-protection technique to help me get attention (which I thought was basically proof that I could be wanted & therefore, loved.

Besides deciding to shower in a t-shirt & avoid mirrors, I also self-protected by deciding to dress in a way that drew attention to my “assets” by wearing low-cut shirts & short shorts.

I thought attention to my body was the same as attention to me. (I was wrong.)

And, to top it off, I grew accustomed to speaking in such a way that way that each sentence was dripping with innuendos & flirtatious banter.

I taught myself how to make anything into a dirty joke because it proved effective in getting that attention I craved.

When I admitted to being a virgin at the time, people actually laughed heartily because I was so convincing to the contrary. I was proud of that (but a little hurt).

Getting Attention… But Something Felt Off

Perfecting the role I had assumed, I made more friends & got loads more attention.

I thought it was great. I enjoyed the power trip & the confidence that came with it.

But something just felt off.

The attention I was getting made me feel objectified more than loved or cared for. It made me feel icky.

Maintaining the Façade

I felt like I had to maintain this persona in order to feel worth anyone’s time or attention, but sometimes I just didn’t feel like I was being authentic… Like I was keeping up an act in order to stay appealing.

I guess that’s why my heart cries out toward actors & singers & other celebrities. Maintaining an air of perfect “I get along with EVERYbody ALL the time,” is just hard & quite frankly unattainable.

Everyone deserves an opportunity to just wear a messy bun, sweatpants, talk about things that aren’t as “appealing” to others, & just be real. No one is perfect. No one.

But I tried to be. I got pretty good at reading people & would adjust my personality or talk to make myself more appealing. I wanted to be liked & loved.

But like I said, it wore on me. I felt tired of keeping up this image.

I wanted to just slice through the fake efforts, just be myself & have that be enough for someone.

Who Am I If Not This?

But the biggest problem was, I didn’t know who I actually was without this personality I had invented.

I didn’t know how many friends I would have left if I didn’t keep up this image… this act.

I didn’t want to risk losing everyone… my circle… my net… my support.

I didn’t want to be alone.

I didn’t want to be unwanted.

So, I kept it up & dug in deeper to this image of confidence I portrayed to the world.

Unwanted Wanting

Guy friends ended up taking more “liberties” with me than I felt comfortable, but I was too worried about seeming insecure, about breaking the mirage I tried so hard to maintain.

And by the time it broke my heart enough (& with the supportive help of a good friend coaching me through it (Thank You, JD!), when I finally started standing up for myself… they got aggressive about it.

I was sexually assaulted by several friends, several times.

I was starting to realize that I no longer wanted so much attention.

I started to hate my persona.

I started to hate who I had become. Who I thought I was.

I felt so afraid because I didn’t know if that really was me, & if it wasn’t, I didn’t know who I was. I was afraid to lose everyone.

Finally… I Prayed

I was afraid that if I let the façade slip… if I faced depression again… if I didn’t try hard to be so loyal & friendly & a great listener & flirtatious & on & on & on, then any guy I dated would just walk away.

But I couldn’t keep the mask on forever.

So, I started to finally pray.

“God, I don’t know who I am. I don’t feel like I have any value. I feel unlovable. I don’t feel like I am special or desirable. I am afraid of being alone & unloved. I am afraid of being so ugly & not feeling like I have anything else to make anyone think twice about me. I don’t know who I am outside of this. This feels like me. It comes so naturally to me… but something about it hurts… Like I have to ALWAYS be this way in order to keep anyone around. God, I feel like this is me, but I guess You made me, so I guess if anyone knows who I am meant to be, it’s You. Show me YOUR potential for me. Show me YOUR design. Show me who YOU created me to be. And help me to trust You if I lose everything in the process. Please help me!!”

It was a scary & difficult prayer to pray, but I prayed it so many times I lost count.

I Wanted God’s Way… I Didn’t Want to Feel Used & Fake Anymore

I was desperate to feel like there was more to me than this fake girl who always had to make everyone happy 100% of the time & drew in people who took advantage of me just to feel like I had some worth.

God had to know. And I needed to know.

I needed to find me… His way… His plan… His design.

And guess what, Beautiful, He began to show me.

God Makes All Things New

Slowly, gradually, the fake flirtatious persona began to fade away as opportunities for dirty jokes would come up & just seem to be unappealing… I would just feel disgusted, like, “No, I am worth more than that. I don’t have to make people think about sex in order to be valued.”

It was a hard road & I ended up stepping away from several friendship circles, but I suddenly didn’t care so much.

I felt confident & free. I felt like I was finally myself (& I was finally okay with that!)

Who Do You Let Define YOU?

You see, it’s easy to let the world define us.

It’s easy to let our past define us.

It’s easy to let our inner cut-downs define us.

But we need to learn to let GOD define us.

God created you, Beautiful… & He doesn’t make mistakes.

God MADE You

Maybe you don’t measure up to what your parents, siblings, family, friends, or to what the world thinks you should be: prettier, smarter, thinner, more fashionable, more fit, more creative, less creative, blonder, darker, lighter, taller, shorter, curlier hair, straighter hair, etc….

But GOD MADE YOU.

We try to fashion ourselves into the niche we feel we belong based on the facts we believe about ourselves or what we believe others want from us…

But GOD MADE YOU.

Lean into Him. Ask Him. Ask Him to show you His design for you.

And don’t be satisfied to stop praying until you see Him begin to shape you & change you from the inside out… an inner confidence based on His design & your worth based on His love & care for you.

GOD MADE YOU.

Take Your Presuppositions & Pray About Them

And I can tell you from personal experience, that if you take your presuppositions & assumptions about who you think you are or who you think you have to be or are supposed to be… & you take that to Him in prayer, to trade it for HIS DESIGN instead… You will NOT be disappointed.

In fact, you will finally feel like YOU.

Imagine that!

Trust Him always, Darling. He loves you infinitely & He doesn’t make mistakes, no matter what anyone says about you (or no matter what you say to yourself—stop that inner self-hate dialogue!)

Trust Him. Always. Trust His DESIGN.

Shine Hope by being your beautiful, God-designed SELF!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Chelsie Necklace

This curved bar necklace features gold & rose gold tones. Hanging from a gold colored chain, this piece was named after one of our co-founders because of her golden & modern style, along with her passion for using sustainable business to end poverty.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

The Complexities of Wanting Love

“Love”, oh what a wonderful topic to think about….

Or maybe it just seems elusive to you, a wish you wish for, but you feel is an impossible reality.

Or maybe yet, you have been hurt by love & either fear it or just feel jaded by it.

Well, all of the above describe how I once felt about LOVE.

Cue the Meet Cute

And then, I met someone who helped me open my heart to all of the beauty & joy & adventure of love… & no, I’m not talking about my husband (I didn’t know him yet).

And no, I am also not talking about God.

I am talking about a guy I met soon after high school.

This is not a typical love story though, because while I felt I had met the boy of my dreams, we never had a happily ever after.

Afraid of Love

I grew up with an unhealthy fear of long-term relationships.

I assumed they all fail… that one side would inevitably lose interest or feel trapped in the relationship… that some fights or disagreements would end up being unsolvable… that rifts form & that lusting after others through porn, flirtation, or adultery would always happen eventually.

I assumed I was too difficult to be loved… not pretty enough…  too emotional… too much of a mess… too insecure… too much of a talker… too unlovable… & that eventually, any guy who married me would figure that all out & want out.

In other words, I assumed it was only a matter of time before my heart was crushed, if I gave my heart to love someone.

Because of this, I was afraid to love. I was afraid to get attached.

I prayed over relationships, wanting so badly for love to be a possible reality for me.

Oh, What a Feeling!

And then I met him… a guy who opened my heart.

I felt so in love. I cherished every long phone conversation & was elated at every chance to spend even a few moments with him.

I shared my heart, my deepest fears & hurts… & he did the same.

He was kind & caring & took care of me. He was a wonderful friend.

I wanted so badly to love him forever & to finally break free of the fear. I wanted to marry him.

I wanted to believe he could really love me forever.

And I am sure he would have.

I trusted him & cared for him more than I ever believed I could care about someone.

But I broke his heart.

I Thought I Knew

I was ready to go all in… to trust him with my heart & to start talking about marriage.

I was ready to follow him anywhere & leave my fears behind.

I was ready to beat the odds with the man I loved so much.

I wanted to marry him more than I had ever wanted anything.

But I broke his heart.

I kept praying about our relationship.

“God, please let me marry him! I love him so much! I trust him & care about him, even at his worst. He is so kind & so good to me. I can tell him anything & know that he cares for me. Please let me feel peace to push through the fear & marry him. I want to spend my life with him. He means so much to me. Please, please, please!”

But every time I sought God’s peace & blessing to spend my life with this wonderful friend, I felt a brick wall.

“Just Keep Praying,” I Thought… “Maybe God Will Change His Mind”

I couldn’t move past the feeling of unrest, an obvious, unsettled lack of peace in my heart.

So, I kept praying through the weeks & months we were together, unwilling to let go of the man I loved so much based on a current lack of peace.

I assumed the peace would come eventually, if I just held on & kept praying.

But it never came.

The dread started seeping in, as I realized that I didn’t feel God was ever going to be giving His blessing–His blessing, based on His omniscient, all-wise, over-all perspective.

But, God.…! Pleeeaase!

I hurt so many nights after a day well spend with the man I loved so much. I grieved the potential break up I felt God was edging me toward.

I felt as if God was gently trying to pry my fingers off of what I was clinging to so tightly… my desire to spend my life with the man I loved.

And I didn’t want to let Him.

I wanted to beg Him to change His mind.

I didn’t understand why God would let me love someone so much & not let me be with him. It felt so unfair.

No Matter the Reason, Yet I Will Trust Him

I knew this man didn’t trust in God, but I thought that could change as he got to know Him through our relationship.

I could feel my heart compromising my faith as I sought to be agreeable to the man I loved. But I thought I could overcome that.

But no matter God’s reasons, He was making it clear that my love & I were not the best match for each other, in some ways that I couldn’t even see myself.

And so, after many tears, much rebellious stalling (hoping to never have to leave him… hoping God would change His mind if I waited just a week longer), after seeing that God did not budge in allowing me peace to continue my relationship that I wanted so badly… I broke the heart of the man I loved.

Crushed… Shattered… Yet Not Hopeless

I knew he wouldn’t understand that I had gotten my answer from prayer, because he didn’t believe in God.

I didn’t want to explain why I had to do it, because I wanted him to trust God & not hate him.

And so, I let my love hate me instead.

And it crushed me… shattered me.

Collateral Damage

To make matters worse, I also leaned into a great friend for support, only to end up crushing his heart as well, when my love returned & I left my friend behind, not knowing his care for me was more romantic than friendship.

And when my love had returned, I was sure this time God would say yes this time around. But He didn’t… & I had to crush his heart & mine a second time.

I lost two people I cared for SO MUCH within a short time.

Not only did I have to walk away from someone I cared so strongly for, but I let him believe I didn’t love him as much as I did, in order to protect his potential future trust in God, the only One who could ever love him the way that he really needed.

Crawling Out from the Wreckage… Finding Hope

This heartbreak haunted me for about 5 years. I would check his Facebook once or twice a year just to relieve myself that he was happy & healthy & loved. I would cry when a movie reminded me of him (like Becoming Jane or Fever Pitch). I would wish that someday, God would bring us back together again… until he married someone else.

I have prayed for him consistently since then, that he would feel loved & cared for… that God would reach his heart & give him a kind of freedom & joy & peace like he’s never known. That God would guide him as a husband & father…. That he would come to Jesus & find lasting, sure hope.

I know now the story God had planned for me was my wonderful husband, Jamie, who loves me in a way that grows me as a human being & encourages me to lean into God with each trial, hurt, or obstacle. I know that God knew what He was doing because my husband & are so complementary in how we support each other. I wouldn’t trade my husband for the world!

But I didn’t know then.

I just had to blindly trust that if God was not going to give me peace, He had a reason.

God Always Knows… God Always Has a Plan… And He Loves Us Unconditionally

I lost someone I loved & I grieved for several years as if he had died, but God had a different plan for our lives & I know now that God knew what He was doing all along.

God always knows.

I know our hearts can be convincing, but God sees our full past, present, & future, with every facet & nuance & hidden trauma. He knows our God-given gifting & the plans He has built into our lives & our purpose.

He always knows best.

My love was real, but God knew better than me.

And I am so glad that I trusted God above my love for the man I loved so much.

Thankful I Listened

I will never stop praying for that man because of how much he once meant to me, but I know 100% that God had a better plan for the both of us & I am so thankful that I listened to God’s nudging on my heart to let go & trust God instead of my heart.

Always trust God before emotions, desires, & dreams… He always knows best.

He knows YOU best & He knows what is best for YOU. Trust Him first, always.

Shine hope, by bowing your will to His way & trusting Him with every step, every desire, every hurt, & every love. God’s got you.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Holly Necklace

Co-Founder Holly’s passion is to empower women to be all God created them to be & to live out their potential. Whether in the brothels of Asia to hometown USA, her desire is to see women live out their calling with pride & dignity. This piece is a reflection of the pride & skills a woman rescued from the brothels has when given the opportunity. A delicate piece, this golden/pink druzy necklace sparkles in the light.

Artisan Information:

In Asia, poverty leads many women to be sexually exploited in brothels. These women want to provide for their families but have so few options. But through your purchase, women are being rescued from these brothels & rehabilitated. Holistic care is given to these women, including a shelter, job training, healthcare, counseling, & educational grants for themselves & their children. You can help these women experience restoration for their future!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Asia!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Satan Is Limited… God is NOT

With a single thought, God made everything still.

I am about to share with you a story that I don’t often tell.

There is a danger in talking about the power of Satan, because it can scare people into believing he must be feared.

While it’s true that Satan is far more powerful than we are & has much more influence in this world than we like to give him credit for, he is not the Ultimate, All-Powerful, Sovereign, Supreme Ruler God.

Satan is limited.

And so are we.

But GOD is NOT.

The Happy Ending

I started this post with the spoiler alert ending to this story—“With a single thought, God made everything still,” as a reminder that no matter what you are about to read, God is SUPREME & if He says “Stop”, nothing (absolutely NOTHING) can overcome His will & power.

he Wasn’t Happy

Last week’s blog post, “Pivot, Pivot! #4-The Great Purge-Learning to Trust God in the Hurts,” set the stage for this week, where I shared my story about purging the thoughts & physical items that I clung to instead of God, blocking me from going “all in” with my trust in God over myself.

You can imagine that for one who wants to pick us off, manipulate us, throw accusations at us, & keep us as far away from God & truth & hope as possible, Satan was anything but pleased to see me make that sort of life statement of going “all in” for God.

Search Me, O God

I remember that during the event where I literally burned my CD collection which I had been clinging to white-knuckled instead of trusting God, I had written only a single phrase/verse in my journal during that time.

I was following along through the worksheet I mentioned last week, but as for my personal journal, only Psalm 139:23-24 made it onto the blank pages:

“Search me, O God, &know my heart: test me, & know my thoughts:

 And see if there be any wicked way in me, & lead me in the way everlasting.”

Weeding Out the Obstacles

You see, my heart cry was to no longer rely on myself &/or external things, but to give up my life to trust in the God eternal, the Redeemer of my life, Love everlasting.

The above two verses summed up how my heart was yearning. I wanted to weed out anything that was holding me back from total trust.

Wait…! What Was That…?

As a quick backstory, I had a history of paranoia.

I had chronic nightmares, was afraid of the dark as an adult, & was even afraid to pray out loud in case Satan could know my plans & then ruin them.

In other words, I was putting Satan higher than God in that I feared him more than I trusted God.

It was another roadblock I didn’t even know could change.

Trust God First

God knew that needed to learn to trust God more than I feared Satan. He knew He needed to squash Satan’s power of fear that he was holding over me, so that I could see God as the One True God.

But I didn’t know that was coming.

I wrote that verse in my journal & my eyes burned with tears of longing to give God my everything, no longer tossed to & fro by the troubles & lures of the world, but anchored in a sure foundation of hope.

Know That God Has the Final Word–Not Satan

And when I fell asleep that night, the scariest thing in the world happened to me.

And I am grateful for every second of it, because, “With a single thought, God made everything still.”

The point of sharing this upcoming story is to reveal to you that no matter how much more powerful Satan is than us, GOD IS INFINITELY MORE POWERFUL.

And before I began writing about this topic, I prayed how to share this story with you, not wanting to perpetuate that fear that once controlled me… & God whispered over my heart, “If you don’t want to scare them into submission to the Liar, start with the ending. Show the hope first.”

“With a single thought, God made everything still.”

The Fear Before the Victory

I was sleeping soundly, as far as I can remember, when I awoke with a start, to the darkness of night enveloping my room.

I tried to roll over, but all limbs seemed pinned in place.

That’s when I saw a hovering cloud of darkness by the side of my bed.

And I heard a voice in my head. A voice that was not my own.

“You think you can get away? Hahaha. I am in control now!”

Can’t Run Away, But God’s Got Me Still

I thought I must be imagining it, so I tried to turn away, to crawl under my covers… or bolt for the door, but again, my limbs were glued in place.

The cackle continued… Mocking, harsh, cruel.

I tried to scream, but I had lost my voice. Not a single noise could be forced out. Fear escalated.

“I am in control now… I told you that already… Where is your God? He’s not here to save you. I have control over you & He can’t stop it. Where is He? Hahaha.”

Crying, Afraid… But Then, Mom

I was crying now, terrified out of my mind. I urged my body to break the hold with every ounce of will until one arm broke free & I just slammed it into the wall over & over again, my voice still missing.

“No one can help you. Not even God is coming. Can you hear Him? No. Can you see Him? No. That’s because He was never even here. He doesn’t actually care about you & I am in control now! Hahahaha.”

My Mom eventually came rushing in as I cried & panicked.

I found my voice & began to unintelligibly tell her everything all at once, panic consuming me.

Stop Giving Satan the Power

My Mom wisely told me to stop giving Satan the power, that God was bigger & I needed to remind him & myself of that!

She was on the edge of my bed & I think she prayed with me.

As I looked up at her, terror-stricken, I saw as if she had the face of a demon, glaringly mocking me with a sneer.

I screeched & couldn’t get myself to look her in the face anymore.

Mind Games of Terror

My cat came out from under the bed to find out what was going on & when he jumped on my bed, I snatched him up & clung to him.

The mocking laughter continued, an audible voice speaking directly into my head, as the dark cloud remained.

As I hugged my cat, crying loudly, I pinched my eyes closed & a vision of terror flashed in my mind, of my cat lunging at my throat with fangs bared.

I dropped my cat & cried louder, scared to look at anyone or anything, afraid it would be warped & twisted into something even more terrifying.

I felt like the demon was winning & I had no hope. I had prayed & begged & yet God hadn’t shown up & hadn’t yelled to silence the voice.

Read About God’s Power… Remind Your Heart Who Is Really in Control!

I was alone & starting to believe the voice I heard.

My Mom turned on the lights to my room, turned my stereo to Worship music & got my Bible.

Her idea was to go through the concordance in the back of the Bible, look up the word “power” & read EVERY verse listed to remind myself that GOD is in control, not this demon.

The voice kept jeering, “He can’t help you anymore. I have control over you now. You’re mine!!”

I picked up my Bible, willing to try anything to make the voice stop, & started at the first verse listed, making my way through each verse where it mentions the power of God.

I Thought It Was Over

The voice faded & the fear subsided.

My Mom eventually prayed with me once more, told me to keep reading, & left to return to bed.

My eyelids grew heavy & with the voice gone, I decided to brave turning off the music, turning off the light, & going back to sleep.

But as soon as I got back in bed, the voice returned… “You thought you could get rid of me that easily?! Hahahaha. I’m still here & there’s nothing you can do to get rid of me because God’s not coming to help you.”

I Must Trust in God’s Power More Than My Fear

I sprinted for the light, turned on the music to drown out the voice, & grabbed my Bible to pick up where I left off.

I felt God nudging my heart, “Lean into me. Learn about my power. Don’t trust the voice. Just keep reading & trust my power instead. I am with you. Keep reading to the last word.”

I still felt the evil near me, but I kept reading, keeping my eyes glued to learning more about God’s power, not wanting to be crushed by my fear.

And as I finished the last word of the last verse, it happened.

With A Single Thought…

With a single thought, God made everything still.

Everything.

It was mind-blowing how very suddenly the darkness vanished; the voice was erased, & the fear just evaporated all in the single instant that I finished reading.

God showed in a profoundly surprising way, that no matter how present Satan makes himself or how much he mocks or jeers or accuses… No matter how much power he may display over us… God has the final word.

A Single Thought of God’s Is Greater Than Satan’s Worst

God didn’t have to make a grand appearance to show His power.

God didn’t have to boom his voice over the demon’s to show His power.

God didn’t have to do anything “MORE THAN” the demon to prove Himself.

He proved Himself with a single thought. A THOUGHT of God’s was more powerful than the loudest, strongest action the demon could pull off.

A THOUGHT.

No Matter How Big Your Fear Is… God Is Bigger

I share this story with you, not to scare you into sleeping with the light on, but to demonstrate to you that NO MATTER HOW BIG YOUR FEAR IS… GOD IS BIGGER!

Just a single THOUGHT is bigger than the worst that Satan can do.

Does God let Satan bellow & threaten & cause harm? Yes. But all in a display to show us that if we trust in God Himself instead, Satan, with all his given power, is POWERLESS.

A New Day of Trusting God Above My Fears… Even in Sleep

After that day, nightmares changed for me. They, for the most part, vanished completely from my nights.

But when they did show up, they were different.

The monster or the killer or whoever would come at me… I would be screaming & running in fear… Only to have a realization that, no, I’m not doing this anymore… PIVOTING to face the threat, & yelling, “In the Name of JESUS CHRIST, LEAVE. ME. ALONE!”

And the monster would vanish & the dream would transform where any fragment of danger or fear would just vanish & laughter would replace it.

If We Let Him… If We Learn to Trust Him First

God has power over even our dreams, if we let Him.

God has power over the darkness, if we let Him.

God has POWER over our fear, IF WE LET HIM.

So, let Him.

Trust HIM.

He is God-Almighty, Creator of the Heavens & the Earth, Ruler of all, King of kings, Lord of lords, Beginning & the End, Infinite, Redeemer, He is Love. He is POWER.

Trust Him.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Iris Earrings

Iridescent pink crystal beads sway on these golden teardrop hoops.

Artisan Information:

In Peru, rural citizens have been affected by extreme poverty & guerrilla warfare. Women are affected the worst as their husbands generally leave them in search of work. Many are unable to get the basic needs of food, shelter, & clothing. But with every purchase of this product, women are finding hope & an income by hand making this beautiful product. Because of you, these family businesses are now empowering the next generation!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Peru!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

We Have a Love/Hate Relationship

So, if you follow me on Social Media, you will know that blogging & I have a love/hate relationship.

I love the results of growth, encouraging others toward hope, & giving God the glory.

I also love getting to share my heart & talk about what I am passionate about in hopes that it sparks hope, encouragement, & inspiration in the hearts of my readers.

BUT, the logistics of editing is… well… not my best friend. I tend to drag my feet for hours after I write out my post, not wanting to do the tedious part of actually making it look good & ready to post.

My Growth = Your Reward

So, I thought I would share some tips that I have learned along the way, in hopes that it will be a source of information, encouragement, & inspiration for you.

Even if you don’t plan to blog, some of the lessons I have learned can be applied to other areas of life, so don’t run away quite yet!

Let’s get the party started!

Tip 1: Pray through the Details

Just as in life, when blogging, it’s important to pray through the details.

Yes, it’s easy to say, ‘I will just pray in general over the blog (or life) in hopes that it turns out okay’… but it’s important to pray specifics.

“Lord, help my blog (life) to glorify you today. Help give me the words You want me to say so that it points people back to You, not me.”

“Lord, help give me the topic you want me to share or talk about… help me to feel peace when editing & please help clear my mind so I can do this post justice with the edits… help me to be gracious with myself over my mistakes… help me to be encouraging to others as I write today….”

Be specific! God is listening & waiting to offer help throughout your day & life. It is crazy how many VERBS in the Bible are proceeded by “God…”

We give ourselves & others so much credit (& pressure!) because the physical actions & audible words are what we see & hear… but God is the One doing the hard lifting!

A blog post I shared a couple months ago talks about this–“Unless the Lord Builds It, I Labor in Vain”. (Check it out, here!) It’s based on the short 5-verse chapter of Psalm 127, talking about God’s role in our efforts. Remember that perspective when you start to look outward or inward for your source! Look up & pray!

Tip 2: Keep It Simple

(*Extra Tip: You can pray & ask God to help you find more ways that you are overcomplicating if you find something becoming a strain! He can give you wisdom on ways to simplify that I haven’t even discovered yet!)

A. Need a selfie for a teaser post for your upcoming LIVE video, but you struggle to have your life together early enough to be dressed & ready to go in time to post it? (This might be a personal example, haha.) Then use a selfie you took earlier in the week & then just recreate that look when it’s time to film later on! Bam! Easy button pushed!

B. Struggle finding the right lighting for photos or videos? Order a clip-on Selfie Light that clips onto your cell phone. Bam! Instant good lighting, no matter the weather or lightbulb outage situation! (Who else puts off changing light bulbs until several are out to save time? I might do this… Haha.)

C. Struggle making graphics? Download Canva or similar FREE programs & use presets… then, just modify! Choose a couple fonts & a few colors that complement each other well & just switch them around & add a new photo for a fresh look each time. Easy peasy!

Tip 3: Brand Yourself

Back when I first started learning how to set up a website, I did a whole post on the importance & benefit of branding yourself, (even if you don’t own a business or blog!). (If you want to go more in-depth into branding, check that post out, here.)

To cut it short for this post, since I went in depth on the post mentioned above, branding oneself is not just for social media influencers & entrepreneurs. Absolutely EVERYONE can benefit from it!

How? Because the foundation of branding yourself is knowing what you stand for & presenting it in a way that others can relate to & understand you.

Who doesn’t want that?

Choosing colors & fonts that represent your personality well… Choosing how you want to be presented to others & learning how to communicate that is valuable!

Tip 4: Be Consistent

People want to know they can count on you!

This doesn’t mean you can’t allow yourself a sick day, mistake, or a chance to back off when life throws you a curveball—I didn’t do any LIVE videos when I went back to Virginia to visit family, although I did maintain my blog deadlines that I set for myself.

It’s okay to take breaks & to ask for graciousness to be extended to you, but consistency in most of life is key.

If you can’t follow through on a commitment, give people a head’s up as soon as possible.

Some people may ignore you (even unintentionally) at first, but if you present yourself as a consistent presence, it starts to get noticed more frequently & is taken more seriously. Give yourself grace. Give yourself time. Just keep showing up! You never know who is listening & benefiting from your efforts, even when they keep quiet about it.

Positive feedback & accolades feel great, but shouldn’t be depended on to keep going. Pray for perspective & the will to keep pushing forward to do what God has called you to, even when compliments are nonexistent.

Even if you don’t see results, God has a plan.

Tip 5: Be Kind to Others… & Yourself

It’s easy to be passionate, but don’t let your passion keep you from compassion.

When sharing your story, keep in mind that unless God Himself spoke it, it is your perspective. God sees the whole picture; we just see what we have personally learned or experienced.

Also, we have all had personal experiences that are quite different from others around us, so realize that others are looking at your story through the lens of their past.

Learn to be gracious in your own mistakes & the mistakes of others. No one is perfect & we’re not meant to be… & that’s okay!

Learn to lean into God through your weaknesses, instead of beating yourself up. Ask Him to strengthen you in those areas & to help bring growth.

And when we’re tempted to share the weaknesses or mistakes of others, give grace & stop & pray. Ask God to help you have a right perspective & to be gracious, even if we don’t feel like it. We can’t unsay something hurtful, & the ripple effect will most likely spread beyond our ability to repair. So always pray & ask God for help you through times of difficulty with others!

Tip 6: Be Authentic. Be YOU.

Aside from reminding you to pray that 1-God gets the glory & 2-that He guide you along the process… this is my #1 tip!

It’s easy to push the narrative you think people will want to hear from you or to post or share stuff you think people will like, but don’t lose yourself along the way.

God made you specifically you for a reason-silly quirks & all. Don’t try to be someone else FOR someone else.

Ask God to show you who He created you to be & ask His help to stay true to His design & plan for your life. His opinion is the one that matters most, because He knows where you were meant to fit & who you were meant to influence.

In trying to reach everyone, we lose most everyone because no one is quite sure who we actually are & we don’t seem to know either. This goes back to branding yourself & knowing who YOU is.

So, don’t worry about trying to impress people. Just share your story & ask God to help give you the words & ask Him to help you give Him the glory—That’s what truly counts!

The Quick Recap

I hope that even if you don’t blog, or if you are considering blogging, these tips are a big help to you! We all have a learning curve when trying something new, so it’s always great when we can pick up tips that we don’t have to struggle through learning ourselves, am I right?

As a recap: Pray through the details, Keep it simple, Brand yourself, Be consistent, Be kind to others & yourself, & Be authentic, be YOU!

I hope you have a wonderful rest of the week lovely, & always aim to shine HOPE, through leaning into God for wisdom, courage, peace, perspective, & strength! He’s got you!

Coming Next Week

I hope you enjoyed this month’s Special Feature post, shared every last Thursday of the month!

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more regularly scheduled encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Grace Earrings

These earrings feature gold plated metal around local capiz shell.

Artisan Information:

In the Philippines, finding employment as a woman in poverty can be extremely difficult. Poor working conditions, lack of job security,& unfair pay are often the realities. Through your purchases, these women are receiving an income, health care, & social development programs! This allows these women to realize their potential and pursue their dreams in a safe environment. You have the opportunity to change lives!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in the Philippines!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

A Quick Recap

Today, we come to yet another pivotal moment in my life…

So far, I have shared with you:

• Simplicity of grace in how I came to know Jesus
• My long-time battle of doubts & my eventual decision to not only pray, but to try to find happiness on my own terms
• My experience through depression & how God used that dark time in my life to solidify a foundation of TRUTH to rest in.

And now, I wish to share with you a multi-week story of what happened after I discovered that solid, reliable truth.

I Think I Know Best… But I Don’t

After God showed up in a big way, through my depression, & after He woke me up to the fact that HE was the source of truth I had been searching for for so long, was I always faithful to God? No.

I often gave (give) into human nature & I relied on what I personally thought was best, before even stopping to consider that God would know better & that I could always ask Him for wisdom. (I still struggle with this!)

It’s the human nature way of doing things when we just go through life either “winging” it or thinking we’ve got the answer & we’re ready to go… or flailing through life, wondering what in the world to do.

We (or at least I) tend to think, “I’ve got this!” or, “I SHOULD be able to do this!”

God Is Willing, But Will I Ask?

But God is right there with us, offering His wisdom, guidance, comfort, & help… so why is it so hard to ask Him versus auto-pilot mode?

This will be a forever-growing type of learning because it goes against our desire to feel in control & self-sufficient.

But, I digress….

As I currently struggle with this, I struggled with it then, too.

Turning to Music Instead of God

And a big area of struggle for me was turning to music instead of Someone who could actually help me-God.

I don’t mean that I was listening to crude, explicit music… nor that anything other than “Christian” music is even bad.

But what I mean is this—when life got hard & teen angst was winning over in my flurry of teenage hormones & emotions, my first instinct was definitely not prayer.

Validate Me!

I wanted to feel validated for what I wanted to feel about what I was feeling.

(Ain’t it fun to be a teenager? Haha. But really, I still do this.)

Oh, sometimes I thought about praying, though… but then I felt this sort of rebellion flare up inside of me, like, “No, I’m fine! I just want to listen to these sad love songs or sad ‘how dare they hurt me’ music & then I’ll be better!”

I was turning to music as my source of peace, only finding myself brooding or feeling worse because of how unfair the world felt.

The Music Always Had My Back…

I felt justified in my anger or hurt or bad attitude toward someone or some circumstance & the music was always there to back me up with lyrics like, “how dare they…” or “they’ll think twice before they…” or “I’m so sad & it’s all their fault….”

Angst galore.

And I didn’t pray for clarity or God’s peace or wisdom on how to handle it.

I just wallowed & sang along to the sad, sad tune.

But I Have a RIGHT to be Upset!

I think I liked the feeling of being justified in how upset or hurt I felt, without realizing that dwelling on those thoughts so deeply only left me feeling more hurt.

I enjoyed the drama, but I hated the hurt.

Next Time, Though…

And every time that I noticed this being the trend of results I was getting, I thought to myself, “why didn’t I just pray & ask God to comfort me & give me peace & strength & wisdom? It ALWAYS helps! You know what? No more turning to those sad songs to justify my hurt. NEXT TIME, I am definitely going to pray instead because all that hurt sucks!”

But next time…? Yep, you guessed it… I didn’t pray.

I wallowed & slunk dejectedly toward my music player, popped on my headphones, slid under the covers, & brooded the night away in tears.

It was a pathetic, sad cycle that always left me worse off.

Friendships That Encourage Us to Lean into God

But then, I had a certain friend. I’ll call her R. She encouraged me to seek God more.

We used to go in book stores, sit cross-legged on the floor, in the Christian books section, grab random books off the shelf & talk about life in our little tucked away corner.

I’m not sure how it started, but we decided to read through “Authentic Beauty”, by Leslie Ludy. (If you click the title, it will take you to view it on Amazon.com.)

My friend & I would talk about this book sometimes over the phone or on our get-togethers on the floor of the bookstore.

That book changed my world!

Hidden Gaps & Traps

The author, Leslie, talked about how we all cling to the things that we think will make us happy, but find ourselves trapped by them (um, me!) & how there are so many things that are either subconscious beliefs or tucked away secrets that keep us from going “all in” with our faith in God.

Those hidden or noticeable things entice us to hold back parts of ourselves from God, as if He doesn’t already know & see them.

Learning to Purge

In the book, Leslie also talks about doing a purge of both physical items & mental strongholds that we cling to, whether it be memories, shame, fears, doubts, etc.

Old love letters you keep tucked away for a day you feel low? Gone. (It only reminds you of what you don’t have & ends up hurting even worse.)

Pictures, mementos, or other things from old relationships that you hold on to as a sort of contingency plan when you don’t like yourself? Trash. (Clinging to anything but God is never going to satisfy us… It just makes the gaping holes more obvious!)

And my music collection. All of it. Everything. Out. (No more clinging to something that only hurt me worse. No more clinging to false anchors that leave me washed up on shore, in despair.)

Mrs. Ludy also included an online prompt guide that you could print out, to help you address thoughts that are clouding your heart & mind & keeping you trapped in the past. (I believe it is still available… check out her website on my website Resources & Recommendations tab!)

Let’s Get It Started!

Well, my friend R & I decided it was time to get together at a park, start a fire in the fire pit & take time to apologize to God for trusting these things over Him & then asking Him to help us cling to Him through life instead. It was time to purge.

And so, we took turns burning things we had held so tightly to that were just keeping us back in the empty hole of pain.

Be Gone!

I destroyed several hundred dollars’ worth of CDs.

Gone to ash.

“Why?!” you might ask… “Why didn’t you just give them away or sell them or throw them in the trash?!! That is so much wasted money!!!”

Yes, all of those thoughts screamed in my head as well.

But I didn’t want to cling to something that kept causing me more pain. I wanted out from under its hold on me. I wanted to trust God to be sufficient in His comfort, strength, & wisdom, versus a sad song to affirm my pain in the moment, but also offer no help or solution.

And if I gave it away, I would probably beg for it back… If I sold them, I felt like I was doing it for profit… & if I threw it away, I would cave & go get them out.

And I knew that the money used to buy those CDs was made possible by God’s blessing & that I would rather have Him than a CD collection.

It Was My Shackles

Call me fanatical if you’d like, but I will tell you right now that my heart KNEW I was imprisoned by that collection. I felt like I NEEDED it to survive any hurt I faced.

It was a lie. And I clung to it with white knuckles.

It wasn’t the CD collection that was wrong… It was the control it had over me.

I didn’t burn everything non-Christian related that I owned. I specifically burned that CD collection because I recognized how much power it had over me & I was no longer satisfied letting that remain the case.

God Knew What I Needed Was Really HIM

I will tell you right now that God helping me recognize that clinging to my CD collection for hope & validation was the source of so much of my heartache… & then having the faith & courage to demolish that source of control over me so I could trust the loving source of God in my life… It was the most freeing thing I have done.

I felt free. SO FREE.

Like, “Bye, Felicia! Buh-BYE! See ya never!”

It felt great!

Finding the Balance, Removing the Control

And do I have non-Christian CDs now? Yes. (I, for one, love Disney music, so… no judgement please, haha.)

But I didn’t have any new CDs (other than worship/praise to God music) for several years after that, until it no longer was my go-to.

Not the Music… The Control

Did I judge anyone else for having other music? NO! Because I knew it wasn’t the music that was bad (singing about love or happy blessings in our life is not sinful), it was the control the music had OVER me.

And I made sure that every time I hurt after that, when I felt that rebellion flare up that “I don’t need God! I’m fine!” I would then stop… breathe… close my eyes… & ask God to help me change my heart & my snooty, rebellious, temper tantrum attitude.

Then I asked Him to give me real peace & hope & comfort through Him, in my hurt, in its place.

It was 100% more effective.

Every time.

Reflect & See What Is Controlling You… & Give It Over to God & Find Freedom through Trusting God Instead!

So, what’s the moral of the story, you ask? Don’t buy music? Burn everything you own? No.

The point is to take time for reflection & ask God what is holding you back from trusting Him more.

Ask Him to show you what you’re hiding & for Him to be the gentle guide to help you eradicate it from your heart so it doesn’t keep controlling you.

Ask Him to give you courage to trust Him through the process.

Maybe go to Leslie Ludy’s site & go through the prompt guide yourself.

And ask God to comfort you through the healing.

He is walking alongside you, waiting for you to ask.

It’s not all up to you to fix everything broken or to heal everything hurting.

He is able. He is willing.

Ask Him for help. It’s so, SO worth it, Beautiful One!

Coming Next Week

This Week is time for our monthly Special Feature post! So check back on Thursday to see what it is!

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Inverted Capiz Earrings

These earrings feature shimmery, creamy white capiz shells, each framed by a black edge.

Artisan Information:

In the Philippines, finding employment as a woman in poverty can be extremely difficult. Poor working conditions, lack of job security, & unfair pay are often the realities. Through your purchases, these women are receiving an income, health care, & social development programs. This allows these women to realize their potential & pursue their dreams in a safe environment. You have the opportunity to change lives!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in the Philippines!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Pivot Moments

These last couple weeks, I have begun taking you on a journey of major “Pivot” moments in my life.

In these moments of life change, God has shown Himself true & reliable & capable. He has been the love & grace & patience & power that has gotten me through & He is patiently guiding me to be the woman He made me to be.

Doubts to Darkness

This week, we are following through with the results of last week’s Pivot moment & the answers that finally squashed all of the doubts rattling my heart.

((To catch up from last week & read the story of my seemingly endless doubts, check out that post, here.))

So, after a year or two of doubting everything I once believed in about the simplicity of grace… depression hit me hard.

We’re about to dive headfirst into my darkest days, so hold on!

Shutting God Out & Choosing Me

You see, I had just spent about two years slowly training myself to shut out God’s voice of wisdom & warning from guiding me. I wanted to do it my way.

And now, I was in a raging, stormy sea without a life preserver, just struggling to survive on my own.

Depression became two long years of pain like I had never known before.

How It Began

I was a freshman, & then sophomore, in high school at this point, & my life was a mess of uncertainty & shame & fear & anger & hatred & loneliness & everything bad.

The cynical voice in my head had turned menacing & hurtful… telling me LIES that I believed, “Nobody likes you, you know. You’re not good enough for anybody. You’re an idiot. You’re fat & ugly. No one wants you. Their lives are harder because you’re alive. You complicate everything. Their lives are more peaceful & happier when you’re not here. Why are you here? No one wants you. You’re annoying. You’re too loud. You talk too much. Look at the mistakes you’ve made… you can’t undo them. You are a broken person who can’t be put together again. It would be better if you didn’t exist. You just make life harder for everyone. You would be doing everyone a service to not be here anymore. You can’t ever get anything right. Your family doesn’t want you. Your friends think you’re a joke. God doesn’t care about you either, if He even exists. You’re all alone. Why are you still here?”

Those lies were my every moment. I couldn’t shut them up or drown them out.

Trying to “Fake It Til I Make It”

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shut off those voices in my head telling me life would be better without me in it.

I got so tired of asking for advice from others… because it never helped.

I started plastering on a smile that never quite reached my eyes & pretending that I was fine & I could handle it.

But I couldn’t.

Fading Away in the Silence

I was chipping away… My resolve weakening every time I cried.

I would be sitting in class, listening to that endless reel of hateful dialogue in my head & my eyes would burn with hidden tears.

I would write my hurt & fears in journals, needing to tell SOMEONE, only to end up sobbing at the fact that that “someone” was paper because I didn’t feel like I had anyone who understood the hell inside my head.

Sometimes I thought about suicide.

No One Understood, Not Even Me

I would try to tell someone, only to be mocked or teased or brushed off.

I would plaster a smile on my face that never quite reached my eyes.

I felt numb & hated & unloved. I felt angry & hurt & alone. I felt LOST in my sea of doubts, unable to find steady ground to hold on to.

My Secret Tears

I would come home from school so many days, grab my kitty “Valentine”, & slowly, quietly close & lock my bedroom door trying not to draw attention to myself, duck into my closet, underneath my row of clothes hanging above me, close the closet doors to block out the sunlight (& the sound of my sobs), & then wail into a pillow I had brought in with me, hugging my cat tightly under the other arm.

I spent several days a week like this for two years & I don’t know if anyone ever even knew.

My Life Began to Fall Apart

I hated my life & everything in it because I felt so alone & so unloved & so worthless.

The menacing whisper never let up either. It followed me everywhere I went, never letting my heart rest.

I felt constantly beat up by a relentless wave of self-hatred.

My grades began plummeting. Relationships became strained.

I was losing faith in myself & others seemed to follow suit.

Pray, Girl, Pray! … But I Did!

At this point, you might be thinking, “Michelle! Your advice is always ‘pray first!’ so why didn’t you do that???”

I prayed so much it hurt.

I felt that God had abandoned me… that my choices to slowly, gradually do things my own way had offended Him beyond repair.

I was a Christian who “knew” better & yet had still turned her back on God.

Why would He want me? … If He even existed (I wasn’t sure of anything anymore).

But I kept praying.

Is He Listening? Does He Care?

I wondered how God could love me & let me suffer.

I wondered if He had just created us & left us down here to suffer while He laughed & pointed out our failures.

I wondered if He was even real.

But I kept praying because I knew that if He was real, He’d be my only hope.

I Prayed… & I Hurt

If He was real, the way He describes Himself throughout the Bible, then He alone was powerful enough to clear my doubts & prove Himself as the one true God.

If He was real, He had the power to fix everything.

And yet, I kept hurting.

I kept hurting worse, with every day, or so it seemed to my breaking heart.

I felt alone.

Rays of Hope Broke Through

And there would come times where I thought I saw Him through the dark clouds that overtook me.

A ray of sunshine (of hope) would break through my heart.

I would think, “Hey, that seems to be God helping me… right when I asked Him for help, _______________ happened! Maybe God DOES care about us… about me!!!”

But the Doubts Always Seemed to Win

But then, another wave of darkness… I would brush off that ray of hope like a glitch… or maybe I had just felt stronger that day & had just thought it was God or maybe it’s because someone helped me other than God… or basically maybe it was anything but God.

So, I would keep praying. But I would keep trying to find hope my own way.

And things like that ray of hope would keep happening when I chose to pray.

And still I found a way to credit something else as the source… Something other than God.

I kept praying.

The Lost Man At Sea

Have you ever heard the story/joke about the man drowning, begging God to save Him?

Well, first someone throws him a life preserver, but he says, “No thank you! I am waiting for God to save me!”

Then a boat comes along & offers to rescue him as he screams to God for help… “No thank you!” he responds, “I am waiting for God to save me!”

Then a rescue helicopter comes & offers him a ladder to climb out of the choppy seas. “No thank you! I am waiting for God to save me!”

Well, eventually the man exhausts himself from treading water & crying out to God & the waves overtake him & he drowns at sea.

When he gets to heaven, he says, “God, why didn’t you save me?? I kept crying out to You!! Didn’t You hear me?? Didn’t You care?!?”

God patiently, gently rests His hand on the man’s shoulder & responds, “My son, I did hear you. I did listen. I sent you a life preserver, a boat, & finally a helicopter… But you didn’t accept any of it.”

That’s Where I Was… That’s What I Did

That was me during depression. I cried out to God. He responded. I accredited it to someone or something else & kept crying out to God to save me.

I would fall back into the darkness only to go back to relying on myself.

I doubted God too much to stay holding on to Him as my source for help because I didn’t know He was the One helping.

Thoughts of Suicide Became Plans for Suicide… But Then, GOD

And eventually, after years of asking (begging, through bleary eyes) for God to answer & clear up my doubts & to give me a true sense of hope & peace & security… I began to give up hope completely.

My temptation for suicide became more than just considerations… it became something that felt like my only hope.

No one wanted me (according to the lies in my head) & I wasn’t good for anything other than being a burden to everyone around me (again, the lies were ruthless & relentless).

No matter what I had tried to be strong enough, to smile through it, to think more positively, to ignore it, to find my own “happy”, to fight back, to be good enough… nothing EVER worked long term. They all crumbled eventually & they left me with nothing left to fight with.

I was done.

One Night… I Gave Up

And one night, through my desperate sobs, bringing me to my knees in my bedroom… Eventually weighing me down so much that I lay flat, face burrowed in the carpet…

I gave up fighting.

I was ready to die.

I was ready for the pain to stop because I couldn’t carry it anymore.

I didn’t feel I had any choice. I felt it was the merciful choice for a family & for friendships where I only caused them more drama, more burden, more pain.

I was ready to stop fighting. I had nothing left in me to try or to give.

I was tired & angry & hurt & felt unloved & invisible & mocked & ugly & fat & worthless & stupid & never good enough & weak & a burden. And I was so, so, SO tired.

One Night… I Stopped Trying to be “Strong Enough”

And as I lay there, face planted into the carpet, arms limp at my sides… legs lifeless… heart bleeding. No strength left to cry. Just numb & empty.

With barely a whisper worth of strength & hope left.

I prayed.

“God, don’t You hear me? Don’t I matter at all to You? Do You even exist? Are You laughing at me? Why won’t You help me? Why did You even make someone as worthless as me? [Sobs] I can’t do it anymore. I can’t fight. I have nothing left. If You are real, You are my ONLY option now nothing else works. My parents think I am drugged out. My sisters can’t seem to stand me… Many of my friends laugh at me like I’m a joke… My teachers don’t even bother anymore… I have nothing left. No one left. I can’t do it anymore, God. I’m not strong enough. If You really are God, You are my only hope. You are all that’s left. Please. Show me You are real, that You are near me & that You care for me. And if You can’t do that, kill me because I give up trying to be strong enough. Be my everything or let me die.”

One Night… God Changed EVERYTHING

And as my prayer faded… it happened.

Every ounce of hatred, of pain, loneliness, fear, doubt, anger, sadness, despair, sorrow, & everything that had pressed me down & down until I couldn’t stand anymore… EVERYTHING vanished in a single instant.

I felt a full breath of hope fill my lungs.

I felt goosebumps dance across every inch of skin.

I felt hope & love & joy & peace flood me like a rushing surge of water, racing to fill every broken place within me.

I felt FREE….

A smile danced at the corner of my mouth, erasing the bitterness & hopelessness.

I sat up, stunned.

I felt as if strong, warm arms wrapped around my entire self, squeezing the loneliness & fear into a safe embrace full of love.

And every doubt was shot dead in that one moment.

God Had a Plan That I Didn’t See… He Always Has a Plan

God wasn’t letting me suffer for the fun of it…. No!

He KNEW that unless He peeled away everything else that I clung to as my source of hope, I would just keep clinging to everything else but Him… Everything but real hope.

He knew those things weren’t my answer & that the lies I believed kept me imprisoned into believing I was left to rely on unsustainable, unstable sources… like myself… ones that crumbled & faded & ebbed & flowed.

He wanted me to know solid, secure ground. He wanted me to know what true, eternal hope felt like, apart from anything temporal & fleeting that I tried to cling to.

He knew that the ONLY way to show Himself as the One true source of Hope & Truth that would get my attention & STICK was to take everything else away where there was only Him left.

Truth Is Truth, & It SHALL Set You FREE!

I had asked, not for a temporary fix, but for TRUTH I could rest in & rely on & He did what He knew it would take to show me that it was found only in Him.

You see, if you are really seeking truth… not “truth” that you WANT to believe, but ACTUAL, REAL TRUTH… God is capable of knowing exactly how you will know 100% what that truth is. He can make it crystal clear (with no smudges of doubt!)

If you just want a “truth” that satiates you into living how you want, you will always be on the waves of the sea like I was… trying helplessly to cling to whatever you think might help, only to see it insufficient & far from lasting.

But if you want SURE faith that you can go ALL IN & not come out a fool.

If you want something you can securely build your life upon…

It’s in Him. It’s found ONLY Him.

So ask Him.

Not a SINGLE Regret… Only Praise! And Freedom!

If you think I regret for a SINGLE moment those several years of doubts & then depression & then eventual suicidal thoughts plaguing my life… you are DEAD WRONG.

I feel SO BLESSED & SO PRIVELEGED to KNOW 100% what I can count on.

Do I still make mistakes? Heck yes! Do I still have doubts pop up? Heck yes!

Is God patient to guide me & do I now finally have a source I can go to with FULL CONFIDENCE to answer those doubts with patience, love, grace, & TRUTH?

YES!!! A million times yes!

I Want You to Have Peace & Rest in REAL Truth… The Simple Grace Offered by Jesus

And I want that for you. It’s why I do this blog. It’s why I write when it’s not my strongest talent.

I want you to find that secure ground… That peace… That surety… That LOVE… & GRACE! I want you to know TRUTH!

 So come to Him with your doubts & don’t stop asking! He HEARS you!

Shine Hope, by trusting in the sure foundation of real, lasting, reliable TRUTH.

Coming Next Week

Join me next Monday morning EST to follow along with my journey of Pivot moments. I can’t wait to see you there!

And make sure to Subscribe (Join My Tribe), so you don’t miss it!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Quinn Necklace

This innovative statement piece is accented with white & silver beads & has a detachable bottom pendant (shown detached), creating two unique looks.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely! deused1 \lsd

The Raging Sea of Doubts about God Began

If you missed last week’s post, it was all about the first & greatest “Pivot” moment in my life, the day I met Jesus. (Check it out, here.)

It was simple & pure, trusting like a child (because I was a child).

But something big changed when I was first introduced to the Left Behind movie series, starring Kirk Cameron.

Doubts entered the picture.

… Fear that maybe I got it all wrong & that I was maybe actually going to Hell… going to be “left behind,” only to live in the shame that my faith was fake the whole time… or just not strong enough.

I wanted to know for sure.

Other “Options” Now in the Picture

But then, being now in public middle school, I was hearing all sorts of opinions on what others thought was truth, based on a plethora of other “religious choices” that other kids at my school were adamantly claiming as truth. (I love the word plethora, don’t you? Haha)

So, combine my fear that my faith might not be “real enough” with the fact that I now questioned if my religion was even real…. I was then tossed into a sea of raging doubts. A sea that seemed to go on without end.

I didn’t know which way was up or down or left or right anymore. What once seemed so simple & so pure was now tainted with doubts & full of fear.

And rebellion.

Part of Me Wanted It All to be Fake–So I Could Live MY Way

I can’t deny that nasty word from making its appearance in this whole scenario.

I knew, deep down, that something in me WANTED it to be fake. I wanted it to all be a sham so that I could do whatever I wanted like everyone else seemed so comfortable doing. I didn’t want consequences, just freedom, my way. I mostly just didn’t want to have to follow rules (mostly because I misunderstood the “rules” in the first place, thinking they were meant to suck fun out of my life versus the way to live the most fulfilling & satisfying life imaginable!)

But I couldn’t do that IF it might be real.

Because… consequences.

God Has a Reason

You see, I always thought of God as a sort of dictator & that Christianity was all about following His rules, or else.

Now, don’t hear me wrong, we DEFINITELY should live by His rules & His alone, not ours… But it’s for our good, not just “because He says so.”

The Doubts Led to Determination for TRUTH

So, here I was, afraid that my faith was not real enough, afraid that my religion might not even be real, & afraid that I would be trying to follow rules I didn’t want to follow just to appease some possibly made up God.

I had to know the truth. If everyone thought their “god” was real, which one was right? They couldn’t all be right because that made them all sound made up. So, which one was it?

Did I believe just because I grew up that way? Was I indoctrinated into Christianity because I was told to believe it? Was my salvation even real? Maybe I wasn’t good enough to prove my sincerity of faith…. Was God even real? What was real? What was truth? Can we even know?

Those were just the tip of the iceberg for me. I had questions that went on for days.

And with those questions came the tossing to & fro unrest that became my life.

Tossing To & Fro

Gone was my sure foundation, my steady ground built on faith in God.

My life was a mix of fear, anxiety, & rebellious hopes to have my way.

I will tell you that those were some of the worst times in my life, knowing that unrest & lack of peace… & the fear undercurrent that flowed through it all.

Puberty is hard enough without all of THAT going on inside my head!

But despite how many questions I asked, the answers were never enough.

The Cynical Questions

I felt a cynical whisper repeatedly, following every answer I received from others, saying, “But what do they know? What makes them the expert? All the other religions think they’re correct, too, so saying so doesn’t make it true. Humans make mistakes, so which one has it right? What if they’re all wrong? What if there is no God? No hope. No truth. No Heaven or Hell. No consequences?”

I never knew what to trust. I never knew WHO to trust.

Not that someone would knowingly LIE to me, but that maybe they were wrong.

I felt lost.

Deciding My OWN Path

Because I searched for close to two years without feeling satisfied that I could accept anything as pure truth versus opinions, I did the only thing I knew to do at that point, I started deciding for myself what I wanted to believe.

Of course, I wouldn’t do anything that seemed blatantly wrong or something I was warned against as a kid, JUST IN CASE there were consequences.

But instead of living to make some potentially made up God happy, I started living to make ME happy.

That’s when my sea of doubts began to take a sinister turn for the worst.

Lying to Myself

The guilt that I shoved down… The shame that I justified & placated… The excuses I made to keep living for myself….

It was a game of trying to stay above consequences while still getting whatever I wanted out of life.

This pivot of doubts was a painful, complicated one. It wasn’t as simple & pure as my first pivot. It felt like always flailing to keep my head above water.

Truth or Bust

I was no longer satisfied complacently wearing my badge of Christianity, going to church & praying before mealtimes… I wanted truth.

I wanted to know for sure whether or not what I believed was true or whether it was a myth developed long before I was born.

And I knew, that if anyone could answer these questions for me, it was God Himself.

The cynical voice was right, humans DID make mistakes, made even more evident by the endless slew of “religions” to choose from, because not all religions could be right (as some conflicted with others), so that meant some of them were wrong, if not all of them.

Not only that, but the Bible claimed that it’s God was the ONE TRUE God, Creator of Heaven & Earth, Lord over ALL. So, if that were true, there goes the rest of the “gods” out there.

Being the ONE TRUE God was a bold claim & a claim I wasn’t sure I could put my undivided faith toward. But either way, I wanted to know the truth for myself.

Maybe I Can Just Ignore It…

Oh, I TRIED to just smile & shoo away (more like shove away) all of my doubts, attending church & keeping my nagging doubts to myself (too ashamed to admit I questioned it all, afraid of upsetting God or my family or anyone really!) but those doubts were significantly stronger & more persistent than I was.

No longer could I stay content trusting in others’ opinions of truth. I was beginning a journey to find ACTUAL truth that I could rest in & hope in… a hope that wouldn’t fall out from under me.

Asking God, But Then Looking Elsewhere

I knew that God was the only One who could really prove Himself true, because if He were as He said He was, in the Bible, He could do ANYTHING.

But, like many people do, I didn’t stop at that… Oh, no, no. I had a backup plan that included me taking action to find that truth my own way….

… By relying on myself to find what made me happy, versus leaning into God for lasting joy.

Instead of leaning into God, I leaned mostly into myself & whatever I felt was true for me which, by definition, meant I was no different than anyone else I dismissed.

Questions Answered by God, Who Knows All & Knows Your Heart & Knows Just How to Reach to the Core of Your Doubts–If You Let Him

That led me down a much worse path—depression. Or, as I am calling it in this series, “Pivot #3”, coming next week.

The point I want to make with this week’s post is this:

We all have questions, because we will never fully understand God or His design for this world or for our lives… but don’t run AWAY from God with those questions.

Take your questions to Him. He can handle it. He has patience like you wouldn’t believe & wisdom that transcends time & human limitations.

God Is the Backup Plan to the Original Plan–He Is Where Truth Awaits

My life provides you with an example of what NOT to do.

Don’t take your questions, ask God for help in answering them, & THEN ALSO try to find happiness your own way. It doesn’t end up well. You can convince yourself you’re fine all you want, but something in your spirit screams that there’s meant to be more than just surviving. Listen to that. It’s right.

God wants you to come home to Him, to rest in Him, to feel SURE… He wants you to feel secure & at peace with the foundation of steady, reliable truth. He wants you to know His love & grace & to feel those flowing through every situation in life.

Trust Him with your questions. He CAN & WILL answer them.

Answers Came in the Darkness

Next week, you will see how He answered my questions countless times, but I dismissed them countless more, until He got my attention in a way that I can never dismiss again.

He knew (knows) ME & how to get through to ME in a way that is intimately designed to make it clear in a way I need it to be.

He can do the same for you—If you are truly seeking truth & not just a way to placate your desire for a consequence-free lifestyle of rebellion to everything God stands for He will reveal truth.

Seek Him—He can handle it.

Coming Next Week

Join me next Monday morning, EST, for Pivot #3, the story of my dark journey through depression, & the truth that broke through the raging sea.

Make sure to Join My Tribe (Subscribe), so you don’t miss it!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Worthy Necklace

Beautifully delicate in design, this rose gold plated chain displays a light pink rose quartz stone. Crafted in India.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

(Also pictured: Steadfast Cuff, made in India!)

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Pivotal, Life-Changing Moments

Everybody has those moments… You know, the ones that seem to happen unexpectedly, when something about you or your life changes drastically, changing you forever in the process.

They seem to take your life, yell, “Pivot!!” (as only Ross from the show Friends can), & then make it change course from there on out.

I have had maybe ten or so of these life-changing moments that seem like they happened only yesterday because their memories are so vivid.

The First Pivot

So, let’s start with the simplest & earliest one of mine & take a journey through these pivotal moments in my life… a sort of autobiography if you will, except, instead of highlighting my life, we are showing a highlight reel of God’s work in my life.

The first one was the day that I met Jesus.

My Childhood At Church

I was fortunate to grow up in a Christian home. I knew it was important to pray & read my Bible & learn about God. I grew up going to Sunday School before the service & memorizing Bible verses in exchange for pieces of chocolate.

I wasn’t sure what it all meant or the difference between telling stories & which of the stories were actually true retellings in Scripture, because it just seemed like story-time to me at that young age… but something about it just felt right.

The Doubts Came Later…

As a child, I had a pure, simplistic faith in God. I didn’t have doubts to question it, I just accepted it as is, & knew deep-down that something about it just felt true.

Now, as I would grow older, the doubts would arise, seemingly unshakable, causing me to question everything I once believed with ease, unwilling to believe something merely because I was taught to believe it.

But, spoil alert, those doubts that seemed to haunt my every step, unwilling to waver or vanish, were demolished once and for all & my relationship with the grace of Jesus became personal & unshakable… but that’s a Pivot moment for another blog post.

Childlike Faith

As a child, though, my faith was sure. It was pure & trusting. Something in me just connected with it & accepted it without hesitation.

Like a child reaching up & taking the hand of an adult, I trusted that God was real.

I didn’t understand all the ins & outs. I didn’t know much about God. But something in me FELT Him there with me, holding my hand through life… & that was enough for me then.

The Simple, Life-Changing Gospel of God’s Grace

I still remember that day like it was yesterday (except I was much shorter & cuter back then), when I went & asked my parents how I could “ask Jesus into my heart”—the terminology that was used with us as kids.

In essence, all it meant was accepting that God was in charge & I was not… That me choosing to do things my way instead of His was wrong, foolish, & sinful… That I could never bridge the gap between my imperfections & sin to His perfection & grace because I was soiled by sin… But that Jesus came to pay my debt on the cross… That He overcame death & sin by rising from the grave… & that my trust in His salvation for me could cleanse me in the presence of God Almighty.

Accepting the gift of Jesus’ sacrifice on my behalf made me right with God. Not my works, but His.

My Understanding as a Child

And as a little child, around five or six, maybe, that made sense to me.

I knew I had acted selfishly sometimes by wanting toys for myself. I knew I talked back to my parents sometimes. I knew that I had messed up & that I didn’t deserve God.

But I also knew that Jesus had changed that for me… & I wanted to lean into that hope.

The Big Moment… The Pivot

And one night, on the couch in our living room of the house I grew up in… that prayer, led by my Mom, of asking forgiveness for my wrongs & helping me to follow Jesus instead of my way… & to trust Jesus’ gift of grace… is how I became a Christian.

It’s really as simple as that.

It’s not anything we can earn or purchase. It’s literally a free gift to anyone who can accept their need of it. It’s not fancy, specific scripts or recitations.

It’s just a simple, honest prayer, asking for God’s grace to cover your sins & trusting Him over yourself.

God’s Work in Me

No fireworks shot off… there was no fanfare… but it was Pivotal like nothing else.

God’s grace, through Jesus, is not something we have to “clean up for” first. It’s not something we have to prove we deserve. It’s not ever something we have to or can be “good enough” for.

It is simply an invitation to take us as we are, shameful history & all, & to change us from the inside out AS we lean into God for His work in us, AFTER we accept our need for His grace to save us.

His work, not ours.

Anything I do from here on is simply my way of expressing my gratitude & TRUST in the ways of the One Who saved me!

That’s the simplicity of the Gospel.

Forever Changed… In a Moment & Continually

The day that I accepted Jesus as Lord of my life, I was forever changed.

It happens all at once & over time.

I am immediately changed because Jesus’ sacrifice saves me once & for all from the threat of my deserved punishment of eternity in Hell.

And I am changed over time as I learn to bow my human nature to His will. He grows me, He shapes me. He takes the broken parts & makes them beautiful. He takes my temptations & teaches me to lean into Him for strength. He takes my weaknesses & uses them to show Himself capable. He takes my broken heart, mends it, heals it, & He pours His love into the empty crevices of my soul.

The Greatest Adventure Imaginable

He is my everything.

Am I perfect? Heck NO!

But I am now relying on the perfect God in my imperfections.

It’s the grandest adventure I ever imagined.

Learning to Know & Love God More

I once, in my early teen years, through the doubt storm, thought that God was all about rules & dictatorship… But as I grow, I see God as the most patient, loving Father & Friend who walks alongside me, strengthens me, guides me, & grows me into the woman He created me to be.

He heals my heart breaks.

He guides me through the storms of life.

He gives me sure foundation & peace when life flips upside down.

He bolsters me with His strength when mine fails.

He gives me wisdom when I feel lost.

He loves me when I feel unlovable.

He never forsakes me.

He always is quick to forgive me, patient through all of my failures.

He is grace & love & freedom & joy & strength & HOPE.

My Inadequacy Is Eclipsed by His Grace

And all the while, I am reminded how much my actions & inactions prove how much I do not deserve His grace, & yet that is the whole definition of grace, wrapped up in the idea that it is completely undeserved.

I am humbled constantly.

I feel foolish & stupid more often than I would like to admit as I try to live out this life on my own, fail miserably, only to be met with His patient smile, outstretched arms, & His wisdom & strength to get it right the next go around.

Not Perfect, But Trusting in the One Who Is

Christianity doesn’t make me perfect… It makes me redeemed in the sight of the One Who IS perfect.

And so begins my journey of big “Pivot!” type moments.

It all started with a simple trust, a simple faith in the grace of God.

It all started with the simple prayer of a child with childlike faith.

And that is where our journey begins.

Reflection… And an Invitation

Have you taken His outstretched hand yourself or are you holding out?

If Satan has tricked you into a pool of endless doubts & shame & rebellious resistance, but maybe you feel that soft, gentle whisper on your soul to come home, then start by asking God to clear your heart & mind to see Him for Who He really is, & not what the world has painted Him to be.

Ask Him to clear out your doubts & to reveal only the Truth.

Ask Him to guide you home so that your adventure can begin, too.

God is asking you to “Pivot!!” but in a much sweeter way & for a much grander purpose & with much more potential than you could ever imagine.

Will you listen?

I did, & it was the best decision I ever made, that led to the best adventure imaginable… as I live, grow, fail, & see Him along the way, loving me & growing me all along the way.

Coming Next Week

Join me next Monday morning EST for my next big Pivot moment.

God works in our lives in countless little & big moments, but I am especially excited to share the highlight reel of God’s work throughout my life, because every great change has been a result of His guiding me to grow. Grow with me!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Restoring Hope Necklace

This versatile necklace features mother of pearl in hues of black on one side and off-white on the other, hanging from an antiqued brass chain.

Artisan Information:

In Asia, poverty leads many women to be sexually exploited in brothels. These women want to provide for their families but have so few options. But through your purchase, women are being rescued from these brothels & rehabilitated. Holistic care is given to these women, including a shelter, job training, healthcare, counseling, & educational grants for themselves & their children. You can help these women experience restoration for their future!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Asia!

(*Also Pictured: Northern Lights Studs, made in India!)

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Ducking underneath the low hanging vines, she stepped through the dark woods. Her senses were alert, taking in the sounds around her. Above her, the deep green leaves rustled in the wind. Around her were the sounds of the forest, the bustling of the scurrying critters, aware & nervous of her presence.

And behind her, she heard a branch crunched underfoot.

It wouldn’t be long now before she was caught, but she was determined to venture further into the mysterious darkness surrounding her.

Sunlight snuck through between branches, dancing on the dark stumps, soft moss, & green grass of the forest floor around her. The darkness seemed to dodge each sunbeam, but the light persisted, shining brightly through the shadows.

Another branch crunched behind her.

She edged forward, taking in the smells of the woods. The fresh air was intoxicating as she breathed deeply, relishing in the fresh scent of nature.

She reached out her arms as she strolled, allowing her fingertips to brush gently against the leaves & floral plants along her self-made path.

She could feel the soft earth beneath the thin soles of her sandals.

Everything seemed right to her, & yet, something was not quite right.

Something was off about this place. As much as she tried to embrace this dark forest of a home, she felt that she never belonged here–that she was never meant to be here.

Something always lurked in the shadows.

She was getting closer now, she could feel it. The air seemed fresher & the beauty surrounding her seemed to grow richer the closer she came.

Very soon now, she would arrive at her determined destination. She would finally be free of the darkness that followed her every step.

Another crunch behind her.

“You can’t run forever,” a deep voice spoke up from the dark.

“I can’t stay here forever either,” she whispered in return, unsure of whether she was even heard.

Undeterred, she continued to step forward, bold in her determination to finally break into the light.

She had grown so accustomed to the dark woods. As foreboding & dim as it was, it was all she ever knew.

Every rock & stump & creek & shadow were all familiar to her. It was her home.

But she also knew that it was a lie. It was something she settled for, not wanting to risk believing the tales of the bright place beyond her dark home.

Why give up everything she has ever known for a tale of something that could be merely a myth? Because somehow this “myth” seemed to beckon to her, calling her by name, lovingly inviting her to see for herself.

She couldn’t see it, but she could feel it. It was more real than anything she had ever physically seen or felt in her dark woods.

But her doubts kept her back for so long, asking her why she would risk trusting in something that she could not see for herself?

Despite her trepidation, she had realized that her thirst for something more than this dark forest beckoned her beyond her ability to deter or ignore it.

She wanted to believe there was more. She wanted to believe that there was something greater than this darkness she had come to accept.

 “It’s not worth it. You won’t be free anymore. Come back with me.” The deep voice stirred up doubts in her heart. She hesitated, halted in the midst of the forest life around her.

“I can’t,” she determined. “I can’t be content to stay trapped here. Something is missing & I want to know what it is. I want more.”

“You will regret it. There are rules. Here, you are free. Come back with me….” As she glanced back, a hand reached from the shadows & eyes gleamed in the darkness.

Something menacing crept through the calm look in those gleaming eyes.

“I… I won’t. Those rules others spoke of… they seem to be right somehow. And I am not free here. It is darkness. It is suffocating. Something is missing. I must know what it is.” She stammered, but as she spoke, courage seemed to bubble up within her, emboldening her to keep forward.

“I have to know the truth,” she determined, turning away from the voice.

A mingling of fear mixed with her newfound courage. Those gleaming eyes she had once accepted now left her feeling unsettled. Something about them sent chills up her spine. She wanted to get away from them.

Stepping more quickly, she decided that nothing would hold her back anymore. She wanted to see the light shine freely. She wanted to feel safe & secure. She wanted freedom from the darkness that encapsulated her life.

She didn’t know if she was somehow too late. She didn’t know if she would be counted worthy to leave the darkness & enter into the light, but she had to at least try.

This place she had come to love & accept seemed but a shadow of what called to her heart. She had to know & see it for herself.

The calm, deep voice seemed to morph in the shadows, an underlying threat seeming to cut into the words, “Come back now. You won’t like it there. It’s better here. Don’t hope for more. What more could you want than doing whatever it is you wish? This is the place you need to be. Stay here!”

Chills danced nervously on her skin as she pushed forward. She no longer had the nerve to look behind her. The voice had always seemed to placate her into never seeking out something better. But now, it seemed to threaten her, demanding that she not break free.

She broke into a run & then she stopped in her tracks when she saw it… Light breaking through the trees & a gentle looking man, made all of light, with arms outstretched & a wide, warm smile welcoming her approach.

All at once, something inside of her changed. She felt securely loved & cherished & protected & cared for & brave & strong & free & FORGIVEN.

Looking into His eyes broke chains that had been clinging to her-chains she had denied were even there. Fear & regret & shame seemed to melt into the ground beneath her with every step closer.

She no longer doubted.

The voice behind her sounded desperate now. “No! Stay here! It’s better here! You can do whatever you want! There are no rules! Don’t go there! I WANT CONTROL OF YOU!”

She broke into a sprint, straight toward this man she had never met & yet felt like someone she had known all her life.

He saw through her, every crack & every mistake. She could feel it. He KNEW her, even her worst!

And yet… warmth. Love… Grace.

As she reached Him, she fell to her knees, tears streaming down her dirtied cheeks, too overwhelmed by emotion to meet His eyes.

She was too unworthy. She wasn’t enough. She didn’t deserve this kindness.

And yet…

“My darling one, do not be afraid. You have been forgiven. My grace has covered you. You are free now.” His voice was sincere, gentle & kind. “Come to me, my daughter. I love you as you are. Welcome home.”

Her face tilted upwards, hesitant & humbled. Her eyes were red & & her cheeks tear-stained.

But something wonderful donned on her in that moment when her eyes met His.

She felt light. She felt… free.

She slowly, carefully rose to her feet, not taking her eyes from the gentle eyes that stared back.

Questions danced in her eyes, wondering if this could all be real… If she could really feel this secure & loved & forgiven & FREE… If she could really be accepted by Someone as kind & gracious & wonderful as He.

With knowing eyes, He nodded in affirmation, understanding her hesitation, & a genuine smile spread across His face, His arms still open wide.

“Welcome home, darling one,” He said as He spread His arms even wider, beckoning her into His welcoming embrace.

This time, she didn’t even pause before closing the distance into the best hug she had ever known… one that seemed to erase in an instant every heartache she had carried throughout her entire lifetime.

She was FINALLY home & she never wanted to go back to the darkness that was once her life.

*****************

After that day, she quickly realized that life still had its complications & she still made mistakes on a regular basis. But something was different now. It was as if she was being changed from the inside out. The more she got to know the Man who welcomed her into light, the more her heart seemed to grow in wisdom, strength, & peace.

She could feel His strength working through her. His courage replaced her fears when faced with difficult circumstances as she learned to trust Him through each storm.

She now could ask Him for wisdom in any situation, no longer relying on the limitations of her own understanding.

And she knew grace as a way of life. His grace seemed to flow through EVERYTHING.

She no longer lived each day trying to survive the dark world she once called home.

He lit her path. He guided her steps. He cared for her & loved her & cherished her soul.

His grace flowed through it all, allowing her freedom she had never known before.

And never came a day where she regretted leaving the darkness of the forest she had once called home because now she knew the stories were true.

The Bright Place was not actually a destination to arrive at, but a Someone to love her unconditionally… A Someone who gave of His own life to cover her wrongs… A Someone who conquered death & sits on the right hand of God’s throne. A Someone more wonderful & powerful & gracious than any she had ever known.

A Someone named Jesus.

And now, instead of living in the darkness… She lived in GRACE.

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Holly Necklace

Co-Founder of Trades of Hope, Holly’s, passion is to empower women to be all God created them to be & to live out their potential. Whether she is visiting the brothels of Asia or in hometown USA, her desire is to see women live out their calling with pride & dignity. This piece is a reflection of the pride & skills a woman rescued from the brothels has when given the opportunity. A delicate piece, this golden/pink druzy necklace sparkles in the light.

Artisan Information:

In Asia, poverty leads many women to be sexually exploited in brothels. These women want to provide for their families but have so few options. But through your purchase, women are being rescued from these brothels & rehabilitated. Holistic care is given to these women, including a shelter, job training, healthcare, counseling, & educational grants for themselves & their children. You can help these women experience restoration for their future!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Asia!

(*Also Pictured: Lagoon Studs, empowering women out of poverty in India!)

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!