God Always Has a Plan

I was humbled so much during my time in Hokkaido, Japan.

In fact, coming through my loneliness in Guam & then on to the immense strain my brain experienced in Hokkaido (mixed with even deeper loneliness because of the great language barriers), is what pushed me to start this journey with my website & blog!

God showed me firsthand that not every person, whether missionary or expat or even living in certain areas or families—not everyone has Christian fellowship, support, encouragement, & testimonies of His HOPE around them to encourage & edify them every day.

We NEED each other. God made us for community. We are weak, fleshly humans with a tendency to stray after shiny things that look great but have nasty consequences either immediately or eventually.

So, here I am. I’m not perfect. I’m not the shining example you should strive to emulate. But I AM a woman who understands that the God of the Bible, the One TRUE God, is WORTH showing up for & pointing to through all of MY inadequacies & failures.

Zero Times

Speaking of me NOT being the shining example… Do you remember reading that I accepted Jesus’ FREE gift of salvation, Him paying my debt to God by dying in my place… at FIVE years old?

Guess how many times I had read the Bible all the way through by the time we were living in Hokkaido, Japan, 30+ years later?

Zero. ZERO times.

I had read the Bible, of course. I knew a lot of the retelling stories written about in the Bible. I could quote quite a few verses by then. (Sans the references because I am terrible at remembering those!)

I had listened to HUNDREDS of sermons at church in my lifetime, done a TON of devotionals & gone to a TON of ladies Bible studies.

But I had never read the Bible through, cover to cover, in all its entirety.

The Guilt, the Failure, the Shame… the Unwillingness to Change

That’s a LONG time to avoid reading through the whole Bible, don’t you think?

Maybe you’re sitting there thinking, “I can for sure relate!”

Or, maybe you’re sitting there thinking, “Are you SERIOUS? How can you call yourself a committed follower of Jesus???”

I definitely had some guilt floating around in my head over this that sounded much like that… but I honestly believed that because I read the Bible at church, in devotions, at Bible Studies, or when I searched for God’s wisdom relevant to particular struggles I faced… that it was enough.

I Was Fooled

The other stuff in the Bible just seemed like a long, drawn-out history lesson & I will tell you right now that history was never my favorite subject in school (it seemed so tedious trying to remember a million names of people & places & battles & bills & dates, etc. etc. etc.).

I ALSO realized that my attention span was not up to snuff when it came to sitting down to read more than a chapter or so of the Bible at a time. How was I supposed to read when I would get a headache or a ton of stuff was on my mind or I was tired & groggy or a lot was going on when I sat down to read, etc.?

I thought I just wasn’t good at that & that it wasn’t my fault I couldn’t read it more.

The Book That Changed My World

But I read a book that changed my world: “Andrew Murray on Prayer,” a compilation of works written by the late Andrew Murray, translated into English.

(You can find the link to this book, as well as many other book titles & Bible Studies that God has used to personally & strongly influence my life on my website @ www.michellehydeonline.com/recommended-by-michelle/.)

I went into reading this book because I didn’t really understand some things about prayer, like how I am supposed to pray or what I can pray for or how I know God will answer me, etc. & this book has some great help with that, but what I didn’t expect, was learning how I could read my Bible on a regular basis.

Where God Commands, God Provides

You see, one of the things that Mr. Murray addressed was that we are not meant to obey God strictly through sheer willpower, but with the help of God.

He walked through many a verse that share commands from God, pointing out a common thread in many of them… the words: “by faith,” “through faith,” “by God,” & “through God.”

In other words, when God commands, He also lets us know we need His help to do it!

Mr. Murray goes on to say that so many Christians end up burnt out or fake it because they’re trying to be good Christian people in their own strength & know-how & willpower, versus asking God for His strength & know-how & POWER to empower them in their obedience.

I don’t know about you, but I consider myself infinitely WEAK when I consider how great God is, so hearing that I can rely on HIS versus my own was mind-blowing & life changing.

Unnatural & Impossible to Me… But God Isn’t Limited

Mr. Murray continues by demonstrating how, when we seek to live in obedience to God in anything that feels absolutely unnatural to us in any way, whether due to upbringing, personal weakness, etc., that instead of avoiding said obedience, or justifying it because “we just can’t do it,” we ought instead to PRAY & ask for God’s HELP.

So, I took that to heart, recognizing for once that if it is God’s will for me to do something & He holds absolute power that is infinite in nature… He WILL help me. I can count on that 100%.

Then my Bible reading attempt scenarios began to shift from failure to prayer: “God, I [have a headache, feel distracted, feel tired, don’t WANT to do it, etc.], but I know this honors You & pleases You, so I want to do it anyway. Please help me make it happen despite _________________________. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”

And I wouldn’t wait until I “felt better” before I began… I would trust God would fill in because I knew this request honored Him. So, I would just start reading.

God Doesn’t Always Answer the Same Way, But He Always Provides

Sometimes the obstacle didn’t go away, but I would somehow have a strange sense of concentration & focus regardless.

Sometimes God would whisk away said obstacle altogether & I would read with ease.

Sometimes God removed the obstacle while I read & yet it returned when I was finished.

But EVERY time, God enabled me to read & stay focused on what I was reading.

God Can Even Help with the WHEN

And before we become tempted to believe it’s only in the want-to or the ability to do it… He ALSO helped me when TIME was the issue.

For example: “God, I know I promised to read tonight, but this thing came up & now I don’t have time. What do I do? I want to honor You most. Should I cancel? What should I do?” And then this urgency would come over me as if saying, “Read NOW.” I would argue, “But I have to be downstairs ready to go so I don’t hold people up if I am to go….” Again, “Read NOW.”

So, I would get out my Bible, open it up & begin to read. And wow, as I closed my Bible upon finishing that night’s reading, my hubs came running down the stairs saying, “Sorry! I had to finish something real quick that I forgot! Now we can go!”

Did I know that delay would come up? Nope.

Did God? YES.

Praying & bowing that to Him, allowed Him opportunity to reveal the WHEN, too!

God Helps Grow the Desire to Obey Him, Too

God helps us to obey Him! WOW! It’s not up to my flimsy willpower or desires or even having to know if I’ll have the time!

And let me also say that an embarrassing amount of obstacles were just me not wanting to do it… & He helped me with that, too.

I’m not saying I all of a sudden had a change of heart sometimes, but rather that I would bow that selfishness & unwillingness to Him, too, ask for His help to obey anyway, & would just sit down & read through my bad attitude, determined I would honor God even on the days when I didn’t necessarily feel like doing it.

What Side Are You Watering?

You have probably heard the saying: “the grass is always greener on the other side,” but I have also heard, “the grass is always greener on the side you’re watering.” In other words, if I am romanticizing NOT reading because it seems so much easier, takes less focus, doesn’t impede on what I’d rather do, etc., then it will be going against my downstream ease to instead do it. It will take practiced determination.

I had to pray about 90% of days the first year I determined to read my Bible daily, it seemed like… but then, the next year? Maybe only 80%, then maybe 50%… & so on.

And now, I read every night without hardly any resistance. Maybe down to 5% now?

I have been watering the side of finding joy in what God instructs… of finding joy in obedience to Him through honoring Him. Of learning to lean on Him on the days when I “just don’t wanna.”

I Am Not Made for This… & Yet… GOD

You know, the same is true for running this blog every week. I’m not fit for this. Some days I just feel so numb & checked out. Some days I just want to throw on sweatpants, plop on the couch, & binge tv. Some days I feel stubborn & selfish & don’t want to encourage anyone.

How could God call me to this when I am the way I am?

Because He knows HE is capable when I fall short. He knows He is sufficient where I lack. He knows HIS strength can more than cover my weakness. He knows HE can overcome & help me through every bad attitude & use it for my good even in showing His faithfulness when I’m least deserving.

God calls me… God calls you… not because we’re deserving… but because He is our Enough in & through it all... come what may… even on our absolute worst days… even when it’s our fault completely.

So, how do I do it every week? When I am the way I am? I PRAY. I trust He will be my HOW even when I can’t seem to muster a bit of it on my own.

God Can Help Us Obey Him

Where is this a struggle for you?

What have you convinced yourself that it’s not your fault that you’re just not good at something God calls you to do? Of what honors & pleases Him?

What side are you watering?

Do you struggle believing that the God who made you & this whole world can handle helping you through your insurmountable unwilling heart or obstacles that seem to tower too far above you?

God tells us to desire His Word (the Bible) as a newborn babe desires milk. (1 Peter 2:2) Do you have that same craving for His Word in your life? Do you need His help to grow this desire? Because, if it honors & pleases Him, you can be absolutely positive that He will be right there willing to help you do it.

Shine HOPE by turning your unwillingness, bad habits, lack of good habits, disobedience, obstacles, unwatered grass areas of your life… to the God Who is infinitely, absolutely, & completely ABLE.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over 5.5 years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Patina Earrings (INDIA)

Make a fair-trade fashion statement with the Patina Earrings! These gorgeous earrings feature a gold-tone hammered stud with a patina circle. These unique artisanal earrings are handcrafted in a workshop in India that’s committed to fighting child marriage and helping women become financially independent as fair-trade Artisans. Every purchase empowers these women out of poverty!

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Our Next Adventure Together

Coming through the darkness I walked through during my time on Guam (Chapter 17), my husband & I were led (through praying for God’s direction) to Hokkaido, Japan as the next step in our married journey.

I was full of hope in this new adventure, but also full of nerves in facing the unexpected & unknown. This was not a location near any American military bases. This was a place where very little English was spoken.

When we were new to Japan, we would watch a video blog of this guy who had also moved to Japan from abroad & one thing he said really proved to be true: “Culture shock comes in waves.”

You think it’s going to be the initial shock of adjustment, but the amount of adjusting has unforeseen layers upon layers that become unearthed over time as new scenarios present themselves in your day-to-day life.

Beautiful Adventure, Great Friends, But Oh So Isolated

I thought I knew hard after my time on Guam in 2012-2015 because the loneliness I experienced those 3 years was unlike anything I had ever known, but I really had no idea what hard was until we moved to Japan, where I really was mostly isolated a majority of my time there, even in small things like making small talk or being friendly with a cashier… they didn’t understand me & I didn’t understand them.

This is not to say that our time there wasn’t a wonderful adventure, full of so many happy memories & discovering newness so often around us every day… not to mention the friendships we did eventually make.

It was exciting & thrilling. There was always something new to discover or try. It was an adventure of a lifetime that very few people get to ever experience not having any support from a base to hold onto in the hard moments. We were mostly on our own.

Our Church Family

We were very blessed to eventually meet an Australian couple who had come to Japan as missionaries & who run a Japanese church where we could attend, but even there, very few spoke any English & the few that did were more comfortable in their Japanese for the most part. The English speakers lived pretty far from us & were very busy people, so we didn’t see them very often outside of church.

We loved our church. They were such warm & welcoming people who helped us whenever they were able. Some took me under their wing sometimes for an occasional day trip. One wonderful friend helped teach us some Japanese as our tutor. And still others would help us in buying major appliances with the paperwork, etc. We were very fortunate despite our language barriers.

It’s so strange how a body of believers in Jesus can feel like family, even on the other side of the world, made up of a few Americans, a few Australians, & mostly Japanese. Different cultures. Different countries. Same Jesus. Same family under Jesus. So beautiful.

Consistently Hard, But Not Bad

As for my day-to-day life, I was mostly on my own, in a foreign country, with very little support.

I didn’t hate living there at all, because I loved the adventure of it… but something unexpected began to happen… I didn’t understand how the constant newness & figuring out of things in a foreign language was taking its toll on my brain.

My brain was like a computer always having to try too hard & consistently getting overheated.

My Brain Could Never Make Sense of Anything

Everywhere I went, voices around me spoke unrecognizable words… signs were unreadable… directions on packages couldn’t be understood without help of pictures or translation apps… not being able to read the buttons on my own home washer/dryer even… not able to easily go up to someone to ask for help or ask a question or ask directions….

My brain was constantly trying to process information it couldn’t ever process.

A constant, “Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute….” On repeat. All day. Every day. It was quite literally mentally exhausting.

The Darkness Grew Darker

I didn’t realize the strain a brain could experience in a foreign country. The voices & language around me were foreign. The words on every label, sign, set of directions, etc. were foreign. Even certain customs & ways of doing things were foreign.

Talk about quadrupling the isolation I had been experiencing on Guam…. My brain was TIRED beyond all measures of tired I had ever known possible.

And my brain started to change noticeably. The stress it was constantly under was breaking me down over time.

The Rage Monster That Was Trapped Inside of Me Scared Me

I felt constantly beyond capacity, so any inconvenience would cause me to almost have a minor mental &/or emotional breakdown.

There were random times where I would drop something at home like a cup of water & I would just drop to the floor & cry.

Other times I felt rage hit me like I have never before experienced. Drop a pencil I was using? Clenched jaw & fists as I take a deep breath through gritted teeth & pick it up. Drop it again? It gets immediately chucked at a wall. I was crumbling internally & it terrified me.

I used to say it felt like I had a rage monster trapped inside of me that I couldn’t make go away.

I tried so hard to be so accommodating to all the newness & to all the differences all the time, but I was breaking down & becoming someone I didn’t even recognize anymore. And it scared me. I needed HELP.

“Please, God… Make the Hard Stop.”

I knew I needed God’s help, but my prayers were mostly focused on “MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE!!!” And when it didn’t stop… when the hard kept going… I felt a little more despair settle in each time.

I felt a little more distrust in God settle in… which made me feel guilty… which made me slowly taper off in my prayers because I didn’t want God to “ignore me” one more time & cause me to become bitter & angry with Him… so I stopped talking to Him about it at all.

Which REALLY left me on my own to face it all. Wrong choice.

My Sneaky Pride

But God is so wonderful & faithful, that He used even my failure & rudeness toward Him to help ME.

You see, with my gifting from God, having had my spiritual gifting from childhood because I surrendered my sin to Jesus paying my debt & trusted in Him at 5 years old, I had sort of taken for granted my gifting, as if I somehow DESERVED it, because I have been a Christian for so long, of COURSE I had this gifting… as if MY faithfulness MERITED my GIFTing…. Wow.

Now, deep down, I knew absolutely that this was completely ridiculous & that OF COURSE it was FROM GOD, NOT me…. But sometimes I was really foolish in thinking maybe I also had a little something to do with it because of MY faithfulness to God over so many years.

It was something I had been praying over most of my growing up because I knew I was wrong to be thinking that, but yet still found myself feeling a little too proud of myself versus giving God the credit in my own heart.

God Was Using This Darkness for My Good

And here I was, for sure earning NOTHING because I was a complete brat, had stopped praying almost altogether, no longer depending on God through my breakdown issues, etc…. & YET, God CONTINUED to work through my gifting.

As if to say, “Yeah, this is from ME… NOT you. This is how I choose to work THROUGH you. It’s not about you. It’s about Me.”

What a humbling lesson to learn.

Me, a worm. Worthless. Sniveling. Given up trying to please God with my heart through the hard… worshiping EASE over HIM…. AND YET, He STILL chose to work through my gifting.

Because it’s not about me or me being great or faithful “enough” or any such nonsense.

It’s about it all being of Him, from Him, through Him, & FOR Him.

NOT me. HIM.

God Can Work DESPITE Me… Thank GOD!

Now, can He work more effectively with my surrender to His will & way? Of course.

But can He choose to work through me even when I am a complete & utter screw up? Absolutely.

It’s about His work, not mine.

I can have NOTHING to offer Him, & really, I don’t because He already has EVERYTHING… & He can still work through me.

How humbling that is.

What an honor that is.

He used my quitter attitude to show it wasn’t me holding me up at all along the road of life… it was Him all along.

It was all Him.

PRAISE GOD.

Can You Relate?

Is there an area you have refused to pray about anymore because you don’t feel like God is listening or that God cares? (He is & He does.)

Are you having a bad attitude about any area of your life because you feel like the hard just won’t stop no matter HOW MUCH you pray?

Have you given up?

Where could God be trying to teach you that it’s not about you being great enough to “deserve” Him, but that even when you obviously don’t, He will forever remain faithful to you regardless?

Where can you give God the praise He deserves despite the struggle with which you wrestle? Where in your struggle can you bring Him honor? How can you make sure He gets the glory instead of you?

Practice praying to see His “enoughness” in your struggle more than praying for your struggle to end. Allow God to show you He is enough for you come what may.

Shine HOPE by turning to Him & relying on Him in the hard, by living to give Him the glory & the honor & the praise in all you do. Amen.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty:

Heart Drop Earrings (INDIA)

These beautiful double heart drop earrings are handmade in India by women earning fair wages for their work. These earrings feature a gold-tone heart stud with a dangle heart pendant, to create a sophisticated fair-trade fashion statement.

*****Every purchase creates safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Confirmation Didn’t Erase My Fears

So, now I was official with this guy & I was totally panicky, too.

Sure, I knew God had confirmed it one way or the other, as I had asked of Him, but that didn’t take my fear of commitment away.

I was looking over my shoulder at every turn, so to speak… constantly wondering if maybe it was meant to be temporary & trying not to get too attached or lead him on or anything that could lead to any hurt whatsoever.

… Keep in mind that the one time previously I had ever fallen in love… once I was ready to consider marriage, God gave me a big “NO” I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand it because I hadn’t felt such a clear NO in my heart until AFTER I had fallen for the guy… so NOW, I did NOT want to allow that to happen again.

I was scared.

How am I Supposed to Know?

I also had words of others’ fears & heartaches floating around mercilessly in my brain: “Don’t get married unless you know that you know that you know that you KNOW!”

How was I ever supposed to KNOW? I can’t predict the future! Nor can I read minds!

This was just the worst. In a relationship… but too scared to enjoy said relationship because I was too scared to ever let my guard down & feel anything.

But, to be clear, I was pretty straightforward in my honesty during our dating relationship. I didn’t hide any of this from him, but prayed about it & spoke about it honestly.

This had to be God-led or I was out.

By MUCH Prayer…

So, instead of breaking up with him to protect either of us from hurt, I leaned on God & trusted for Him to guide me along the way through MUCH prayer.

I took it all to Him. I prayed, asking for confirmation throughout our relationship, just to make sure I was following His lead over my heart or my fears.

And God was so faithful to me every step of the way in my seeking His wisdom & reassurance.

There would be times I would pray about a very specific character trait I had learned I needed in a future spouse… things God had taught me. So, knowing He had taught me I needed them, I would ask Him to show me whether Jamie held these character traits, or at least the potential for them later down the road.

And every time, after praying silently & not sharing those requests with a single soul, Jamie would STILL somehow bring it up the very next time I spoke with him, as if he had read my mind or as if God had put him on a three-way call when I prayed.

God was faithful. He kept reassuring me. He kept leading me.

No Touchy

And one way God helped me know what was His lead versus my romantic daydreamy self leading, was by impressing upon my heart to give up any & all physical affection, to include even an arm around the shoulder or holding hands.

Maybe this seems a bit much to you… too much to ask… too extreme or unnecessary… but I knew that it was what I needed. I was too prone to slap those rosy glasses on the second a guy I liked put his arm around me or wanted to hold my hand, etc. IE. “*SWOON* We’re going to get married & have 3 babies &…. etc.” (You get the picture. It was pathetic but true.)

I didn’t want my very overly romanticizing heart to yank the reins from God’s hands & take over the second my heart swooned. It had to be for sure God-led or I was OUT.

I wanted God to have full control over the direction of our relationship & I didn’t want to ever risk clouding that discernment with romantic ideals & daydreams based on imaginings versus reality… feelings versus facts.

The Key? God Would Continue to be There to Help No Matter What

I never thought I could ever be sure about a guy. There were too many unknowns to account for… that I could never be able to account for because life is unpredictable…. How would I ever know?

But driving back from when my now husband eventually proposed, 7.5 months after our first date, I felt surer than I had ever felt about anything… because, as Jamie put it, “even though marriage holds a lot of unknowns & we can’t predict the future… he would be right alongside me through it all & God would be there to guide us no matter what came our way.”

No marriage will ever be perfect. God wasn’t wanting me to wait for a non-existent Mr. Perfect.

What He did want is for me to trust Him to know better than me on who would be a good fit for me. Not just with who I am, but who He will grow me to be… what our future held…. Not that the future would then be perfect, but that God would be right there with us in the imperfect.

Letting God Lead in My Dating Life

That really summed it up for me. Knowing God had consistently given me confirmation when I had asked for it…. Knowing God had given us both peace that wasn’t led by emotions first…. Knowing God would still be with us to help us through every hard season we would ever face.

God had us… & that is how we knew we could be confident despite the unknowns our future together held.

I had always rushed in head-first to every relationship in my past, so ready & desperate to feel loved & wanted… but the fears that consumed me had always caused me to run right back out of them even quicker than they had started the second the “L” word was even HINTED at.

But this time, I didn’t run in… I waited on God’s lead.

And I didn’t run back out… I trusted in God’s lead.

And even almost 12 years into it, I am not running out of it, because I know that no matter what we may face, God will be that same lead & same help through it every step of the way.

Who Are You Trusting to Lead You?

Does a fear of the unknown cripple you? Do you worry about making big decisions because you don’t know what the lasting consequences will be? Do you stay where it feels safe? Do you try to protect yourself the way that you know how?

Do you rush in, sure of your own abilities or assessments? Are you reckless with love or decisions in your life thinking it’s up to you to make the call?

Pray about it. Ask the God who KNOWS & doesn’t have to guess. Trust He cares enough about you to do as He promises & will provide wisdom as well as guidance in life.

What God Says About It

“Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5)

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)

He even tells us, straight up, not to trust or rely on our own understanding, but on His, through prayer.

Let God Lead… Trust He WILL Lead

Trusting ourselves can look like plowing ahead without consulting Him, but it can also look like staying where you feel safe & not trusting Him to be able to adequately lead you to your liking.

I’ve done both. I DO both sometimes even still.

But each time I am reminded that I really can trust Him… & I need to trust Him.

Shine HOPE by trusting Him when you just don’t know… & even when you think you’re absolutely, positively certain.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Heart Drop Earrings (INDIA)

These beautiful double heart drop earrings are handmade in India by women earning fair wages for their work. These earrings feature a gold-tone heart stud with a dangle heart pendant, to create a sophisticated fair-trade fashion statement.

*****Every purchase creates safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Setting the Stage

I have told this story more times than I can count. It’s a story of a scared girl meeting a sweet boy & how they both allowed God to lead every step along the way… eventually.

After I graduated college, now being 26 years old (I started college late), I went through that first summer after graduating, as I mentioned in the last chapter (Chapter 13), & when my debt was finally paid in full, I finally got a call about a job that I felt some measure of peace about.

But this was not the job I wanted. I wanted to work with a big church that had a thriving outreach ministry & I wanted to essentially be an apprentice to someone who led said outreach ministry so that I could learn from them.

Not the Type of Job I Wanted… But the Job God Chose

This particular job, though, was for a small church, 40+ minutes away (more, depending on traffic) & they didn’t even have an outreach ministry.

This job was also recommended to me by a longtime friend who worked there, but it was mentioned that the job was not yet available & that they didn’t know quite when it would be available.

Well, as I do with all decisions like this… I prayed & asked God for wisdom. I mostly wanted confirmation to hold out for what I wanted… thinking maybe that was another reason God had said “no” to every other job potential.

But, I asked God: “God, even though this isn’t what I want… I really want what You want… so, if this is of You, please confirm it to me & I will move forward with it, even if I don’t particularly want to. If this is of You, help the job to surprisingly become available by next week & let me get a call updating me as such.”

My friend called that very next week. The job was available sooner than expected.

God Always Has a Plan… Even When I Can’t See It

I cried from disappointment when we hung up from that call. I had felt that God had not only held out on allowing me to move forward with any job opportunities for the sake of teaching me to trust His provision… but also because I believed He was holding out for me to find my dream job.

This was not my dream job.

Later on, I updated my mom & told her how this isn’t what I pictured & how I felt like God was confirming it but I wanted something different. But my mom reminded me that if I knew God was leading it, it’s what I needed to take.

I Loved the Job I Hadn’t Wanted

The interview itself filled me with so much reassuring peace as well… I knew it was God’s nudging confirmation to my hesitant heart.

So, after the job was eventually offered… I accepted… not having any idea of what God had in store for me in this very small church 40+ minutes away with no outreach ministry from which to learn.

Training went well. I loved the staff. I felt like I fit in & was part of the team right away. The attendees/members were so warm, welcoming, & friendly. I liked my job.

There He Was… The Warm Welcome… & the Panic That Followed

And on my first Sunday, after being introduced as the new staff member of the church, so many lovely people came to welcome me & thank me for filling in this position at their church. It was warm & wonderful.

The church was a pretty large majority of senior citizens back then, but there was one young man who came straight up to me after the service, extended his hand in greeting, & welcomed me with open kindness.

His name was Jamie.

But, after my last run-in with love, I was not interested in 1 girl + 1 boy = new relationship, so, I pretty noticeably & uncomfortably avoided him immediately following that first initial handshake & greeting, staying on the other side of the room as him as much as possible when we were both in attendance for anything at the church. I would give a polite, but not inviting, smile if we ever accidentally made eye contact, but that was it.

I Slipped Up with a Confident Stride

Then, one day, a little over a month after I had started working there & attending that church, we had a staff meeting scheduled after that morning’s fellowship brunch… so, as everything was cleaned up & some were just lingering to chat, I decided to go to my office for some card games on my computer to pass the time before we could begin.

And, as I strode confidently into my office, (also the front office of the church)… there… sat… Jamie… in my office.

My stride was confident & intentional, & although I stopped in my tracks upon seeing him there, a quick mental calculation confirmed it was far too late to turn back now without proving my avoidance to be certainly intentional.

AKA without being rude.

And as staff… I didn’t want to be rude. I had slipped up.

Trying to Save Face… & Failing

So, I regathered myself quickly & decided to play it cool, headed straight for my desk, logged in, turned on a game (with my screen turned away from his chair), & proceeded to act very, very, VERY busy… much… FAR too busy to interact with ANYONE.

But that was no deterrent for this friendly young man. No. He started up small talk right away, while also explaining that he was awaiting a ride.

I politely replied & doubled down on my “I am so serious & so busy right now, you can’t even IMAGINE” face.

It did nothing to faze him. Soon he was SCOOTING his chair ACROSS THE ROOM up to my desk so that we could better chat while he waited.

I was inwardly clenching my jaw & (inwardly) making the face as if to say, “come oooon.” (You know, that face you make when you widen your eyes & look up at nothing in particular while sticking your chin out, clenching your jaw, & tightening your fists with exasperation? That face.)

But, outwardly I just smiled politely through gritted teeth. My plan was failing.

Admittedly, It Wasn’t a Bad Conversation… It Was Actually Quite Nice a Conversation

But soon he made me laugh & I couldn’t help but smile (unwillingly) for real.

He was nice… polite… kind-hearted. He was nice to talk to & genuinely friendly. He wasn’t trying to impress me or flirt with me. He was just being good company while we both waited in my office for different reasons.

But I didn’t want to be his friend. I didn’t want to risk making him think I was interested in anything beyond friendship. I didn’t want to hurt him.

But I did allow myself to slip into friendly conversation. I did. He was just so easy to enjoy talking to.

Haunted by Regrets of My Past

And later that night, I kicked myself hard as I received a social media friend request from him. This was exactly what I had been trying to avoid with all of my avoiding him.

I didn’t want him to enjoy my company. I didn’t want to be tempted to soak up all the attention & grow feelings for him only to hurt him later like I had done before with guy friends from my past. I didn’t want to break his heart. I didn’t trust myself enough not to.

My pattern was so predictable. I was so desperate to feel worthy of love & attention, coupled with being an absolute romantic… one smile made me dream of a wedding to come.

But jumping headfirst into a relationship before consulting God always ended up with me realizing I had acted selfishly & had to make things right & let them go… only, with the first time I fell for a guy for real… I wouldn’t let go… & I hurt him bigtime in the process, which I never meant to do. I didn’t want to do that ever again & I didn’t trust myself not to do it again.

But I didn’t want to be unkind either, so I accepted his friend request. Little did I know where that little friend request would lead me….

Letting My Fears Trump My Trust in God

Obviously, at this point in the story, I am not really trusting God with my love story. Well… in a way, I am… in the sense that I am not chasing after every bit of attention to see if maybe, just maybe, there could be a love story there to be had….

But I was also self-protecting, acting out of fear versus trust in God. I was so worried about hurting another guy in the way I had done in the past that I wasn’t even willing to be friendly. I was basically trusting my own methods versus trusting God to guide me.

And don’t worry, it gets worse before it gets better. But God knew what He was doing & God was patient with my fears. He was kind & gentle the whole way.

How About You?

Have you been hurt in the past? Have you built up your walls? Have you figured out a plan to protect yourself or others from getting hurt?

Are you trusting more yourself or God to protect your heart?

If you feel that clenched-fist feeling, then please… unclench your fists. Take a deep breath. And ask God to help you trust in Him each day rather than your own methods/walls of protection.

Ask Him to help you follow HIS lead versus furiously trying to keep up with your own rules. Let Him lead.

Shine HOPE by trusting your unknown future & your known past hurts to a God that can perfectly handle both.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Island Twilight Hoops (HAITI)

Make a fair-trade fashion statement with these totally unique, ethically made hoops from Haiti! These beaded Island Twilight Hoops feature black, cream, and gold seed beads to create a gorgeous hoop earring handmade by women in Haiti able to earn a dignified income.

*****Every purchase of these stunning earrings helps provide these Artisans with safe jobs, fair wages, educational resources, and counseling.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Have You Ever Felt Like You’re Never Enough?

I grew up with a heavy emphasis on the Thou Shalt Nots of the Bible. I don’t know if that’s something my church emphasized as I was growing up or whether it was just something my brain latched onto, but I always felt like I could never measure up to God’s standards.

I didn’t really understand that that is sort of the whole point. When I accepted Jesus, who paid my debt to God as a result, Jesus paid for me because I couldn’t. He offers that to anyone who will believe on Him as their hope & reconciliation to God because no one can live up to God’s standards. In fact, the 10 Commandments themselves are in place to show us our NEED of Him.

But I always tried to be good enough to earn the gift freely offered me. My whole life was a constant struggle of feeling like I was never good enough.

Hands on the Hips & Disapproving Raised Eyebrows

I felt like God was up in the sky, hands on hips, shaking His head at me pretty constantly, as if to say to me, “Nope, you’re still not good enough.”

Now, a part of me knew & understood that this was the whole point of why I need Jesus.

But still, I felt like God expected me to be perfect in exchange for offering me Jesus & I constantly felt like beating myself up because no matter how hard I tried, I always seemed to fall short of that.

It’s one thing to know in your head that it’s all, only Jesus that could save me & another to understand that He paid it ALL, even my constant inadequacies.

This doesn’t mean I should just mock Him by living however I darn well please. But it does mean I am a work in progress & will fail & miss the mark sometimes & that my salvation does not at all rest on my perfection, but on HIS.

Imprisoned by the Need for Perfection

I even got to the point where I craved getting drunk because I was just so tired of caring 24/7 about every little everything. I was trying to juggle my own goodness & never able to do it well enough & was constantly beating myself up for it.

I felt imprisoned by a perfection I could never quite live up to.

Fast forward to my time in college & for the first time, I started to see all around me examples of Christians living in freedom—seeking to live for God, but knowing they needed to be relying on God for this & not putting all the pressure on themselves to achieve what they could not.

But even with that influence, I was always tempted to ADD TO God’s grace… as if a “just in case” measure of extra grace would be required of me to secure God’s grace to me because I knew I didn’t deserve His grace, but I wanted to be worthy of it.

A Time Where I Couldn’t Feel God Near

Fast forward again to a year out of college & after 3 years of influence & encouragement in my faith at Liberty University, being on student leadership & just feeling God’s presence & leading like I had never known before (because all my focus was on Him for once), I hit a dry period in my faith.

If you’re a Christian, has this ever happened to you? Where, no matter how hard or how often you pray, you just cannot feel His presence or His leading in anything? As if you are praying to an empty void?

Well, coming from a time period where my life was immersed in feeling His presence & lead in my life, this was jolting.

My first inclination? “I must not be doing enough.”

I Thought I Had to DO MORE to Feel God in My Life

I thought that maybe because I was dedicated “enough” at Liberty, that maybe I wasn’t doing enough now & God was not listening to me because I wasn’t doing enough anymore.

This began my many attempts to rectify that.

I read my Bible more. (Check!)

I tried to pray more. (Check!)

I went to an extra church service a week. (Check!)

I tried to listen to & sing along with worship music more often & more emphatically/whole-heartedly. (Check!)

I tried to serve more. (Check!)

I thought I was doing well to earn God’s favor tenfold, but still… silence.

God Had Never Left

This didn’t make sense. I was trying to be the best, most dedicated Christian I could be, & yet it STILL didn’t seem like enough to get God to pay attention to me or come near to me.

Nothing I did was good enough.

STILL.

Well, this went on for some months & I was growing more & more exhausted & disheartened, as if God had just left me & had no intention of ever coming back because I just wasn’t enough to be good enough for Him.

And one night, frustrated, sitting cross-legged on my bedroom floor, I prayed & asked Him why I was never enough… why He would leave me….

The answer surprised me.

I Was Building a Bridge God Had Already Built

In my mind popped up the image of me building a bridge to God, but every time I got discouraged or slipped up the least bit, Satan would take that & knock down my bridge, as if all of my efforts had been completely pointless. But I kept trying again. I kept building. And it kept getting knocked down, tossing me back always to where I had started. I was tired & frustrated & wearing down.

But then, clear as day, God reminded me that He promises to never leave me nor forsake me… that I never had to earn anything… that I could not earn anything from Him. That Jesus paid it all. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

I didn’t have to build. Jesus built.

It was already done & it had nothing to do with anything I could ever add to it.

That I needed to merely rest on the FACT that whether I “felt” Him or not, He WAS THERE & I could 100% count on that no matter how I FELT. My problem was not whether or not He was there or whether or not I did enough to merit Him being there… but that I doubted His Word… of what WAS, whether I felt it or not.

God’s Grace Is Enough, I Don’t Have to Supplement

What a huge leap that was for me in understanding that God’s grace was ENOUGH. I don’t have to supplement.

Living for Him is not about measuring up or earning anything He has offered… it’s about living to please Him just because you know it pleases Him… to honor Him simply because you know it honors Him. Because you love Him, not because He needs you to, but because you want to.

I don’t have to earn what God offers freely to all who believe on Him. (John 3:16-17) If I don’t feel God, it’s that I need to trust He is there regardless of how I feel, not because I need to do more to earn His favor, because nothing I could ever do would ever be enough… that’s why… JESUS.

Shine HOPE by trusting God at His Word, even if you don’t “feel” Him… & by trusting that God, through Jesus, is ENOUGH… you don’t have to supplement.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Dewdrop Chain Studs (INDIA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! A dainty crystal stud with a drop chain is used to create each on-trend Dewdrop Chain Stud from India. These earrings feature a gold-tone base and chain adding a fun, edgy touch to your look.

*****Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

The Little Nudge That Wouldn’t Budge

About 4 years after I graduated high school, having completed 1+ years in community college, working at a job I enjoyed, promises of a promotion in the near future… God disrupted all my plans with a little nudge I couldn’t seem to shake away… a nudge to “go to Liberty University & get a Business Marketing degree.”

I didn’t understand where that had come from & I don’t know how to explain it other than the fact that I had this very strong inclination that I was supposed to “go to Liberty University & get a Business Marketing degree.”

But I was getting promoted… without any degree.

I was succeeding… without any degree.

So… I wasn’t so convinced that this wasn’t just a subconscious thing because I had always wanted to go to a university & live in dorms & all that.

So… as anything else I’m unsure of, I prayed & asked God for confirmation. Yet this time, I decided not to tell a soul about it for 3 months, as I sought God’s confirmation first.

I Wanted to be Sure Who Was Leading My Heart

I didn’t want to be influenced by, “Oh yes, you definitely should!” or “but how much money will that cost?” comments or perspectives. I only wanted God’s opinion.

Because I knew that if God indeed was leading this I wanted to KNOW it was Him rather than confuse it with hype from friends or family… if it was indeed God leading this, I knew He would somehow provide the funds & way forward despite any odds.

Well, the peace became more & more cemented the longer I prayed about it… as if it was becoming more of a certainty than a question or a doubt.

So, after 3 months of feeling absolutely sure I had full peace about it, I told my parents & God paved the way forward for me to finally see my dream come true of living in a dorm & having the “college experience.”

I started at Liberty University in the Fall of 2007 as an almost 24-year old sophomore.

So Many Blessings from My College Days

I can’t go into every blessing those years at Liberty brought me, including my many wonderful friends that felt like family–as the happy memories themselves would fill a book’s pages, so I will try to hone in on some profound moments, pivotal moments that shifted my perspective, as led by God’s leading.

I have already mentioned the breeze He brought on a particularly discouraging & frazzled morning, while standing at the bus stop—late for class. (Chapter 4)

I have already mentioned in blog posts past about a question my one particular friend used to frequently ask, which made me SO uncomfortable (because I felt put on the spot), but when asked so regularly, became the catalyst for me always having that mindset in my day-to-day: “What has God been teaching you lately?” (So blessed by that frequently asked question from my friend!)

The Inconvenient God-Orchestrated Blessings

I have probably ALSO talked about in blog posts past how, when I was on student leadership my senior year, God taught me to always rely on Him more than on my own schedule/responsibilities/routines.

For example: Big test, Big paper, Big presentation happening the next morning/afternoon… not enough time to prep alongside all of my other responsibilities as a senior… but one of several different girls on my hall would knock on my dorm door & upon opening, I would see tears in their eyes as they asked to talk.

Now, human me went into a full inner panic every single time because my options seemed to be: A) Sound like a jerk & say, “sorry, I don’t have time for you,” or, B) Risk FAILING.

But, in the middle of my selfish, short-sighted panic… I would stop & pray & ask God for wisdom on what I ought to choose & how to choose it.

And every time, the nudge was always the same: “What do you think matters most to Me? Your grade… or this young lady’s heart who is standing in front of you with tears in her eyes?”

*Deep (inaudible) sigh* was always my response, along with a silent, “Okay God, I hear You. I will just have to trust You to take care of the rest because I want to choose what honors You most here.”

I would put my studying, editing, or rehearsing/memorizing aside & welcome the young lady in for a chat, some counsel, some prayer, & a hug. And whenever this happened, I always had complete peace that this was what God had planned for me that evening all along & I was always glad I obeyed, despite my trepidations.

God Took Care of the Rest

And guess what… Every. Single. Time. God would come through on the other end.

Either I would have an unexpected quiet lunch & would now have unplanned extra time to adequately prepare, or the professor was out & rescheduled, or I was later on the schedule for presentations & would have another couple days to prepare, or the test would be easier than I ever anticipated & the extra studying would have been wasted unbeknownst to me!

God has a plan beyond what I can see, every single time.

The Infamous Test

Then there came the test. THE test. The test that counted for a ridiculously terrifyingly large amount of my semester grade for my capstone course.

Tests come easily to me typically. I am good at memorizing short term. I am good at focusing in when needed. Tests are usually a fun opportunity for praise & affirmation that I understand the material well enough. (If you are not a great test taker, please don’t hate me. Trust me, there are plenty of other things I am AWFUL at.)

But this test. THIS test scared me… mainly because my professor scared me a bit. That class frequently kept me on my toes, for sure..

The class was more complex & this teacher had a reputation for not playing around. His assignments were always challenging & thought-provoking, stretching your abilities & always leaving you feeling like you always should have prepared just a little bit more than you did.

I Studied Harder Than I EVER Had Before

So, I took this test VERY seriously. I studied SO HARD. Like, look up & take practice tests, go through every highlighted section of every chapter, study through every page of your notes, look more up on the topic to solidify your understanding… type of studying.

This was beyond normal for me. I always took my good-test-taking ability for granted. I would study, but more as a review than a panic. But this test was the monster of tests, in a challenging class, with a tough professor, that counted for a HUGE part of my grade… so I STUDIED.

The day of posted grades came.

I signed in so fast, heart racing, eager to be relieved that once again, I had nothing to worry about.

And as I scrolled to view the grade, anticipation mounting significantly… my eyes landed on the grade & my jaw dropped & the world seemed to stop to a dead halt.

47%.

The Shock

47%?

47%!!!!!!?

I felt like the room began to spin. I sat down on the floor, having the dorm room to myself, stared at nothing, & just began to cry into my hands, embarrassment & shame & devastation settling onto my shoulders like a weight I could not bear.

How?! Why?! What did I do wrong?!

My parents knew how hard I had prepared… how was I supposed to “excitedly call to announce another win after such diligent preparation” when I had gotten a 47%?!?!?

I was SO upset. I felt so embarrassed to have worked harder than I had EVER worked for a test in my entire life, only to be rewarded with SUCH a terrible grade.

How humiliating!

What God Had to Say

And so, I prayed: “God, WHAT HAPPENED!? You saw how HARD I worked for this! I did not take it for granted that I’m good at tests! I studied! HARD! What happened? What am I supposed to tell my parents? What am I supposed to tell my classmates? My friends who knew how hard I had worked on this? I am so embarrassed & humiliated. What happened???”

And after several minutes of this blubbering, despairing, embarrassed sob-praying… I felt His answer come over my heart with both convicting truth & comforting gentleness: “Who are you doing this for? For your parents? For your sense of pride & accomplishment? Or for Me?”

Boy did that hit me hard in the gut. The first 2 for sure… but for Him? Nope. Not really.

I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I wanted them to want to gush about me, or at least know they had reason to. I wanted to prove to them that I could do it & that I could be successful out on my own without their help padding anything. I wanted to prove myself.

I wanted to feel proud of myself. I wanted the praise & recognition & accolades. I wanted the good reputation of being a great student. I wanted to swell with confidence in myself & my own abilities & accomplishments.

But nowhere in my heart, aside from the very fact of me being there as God had led me, did I consider working as unto Him & not for myself or others.

God Has a Plan Beyond What I Can See

And right then, realization started to flood my thoughts:

1. For all I knew, God had brought me here to find my future husband & this was just how He got me here.
2. For all I knew, God had brought me here because there was a life lesson I needed to learn through someone here & this was just how He got me where I needed to be.
3. For all I knew, God had brought me here because He knew someone here needed Him & I was His messenger right for the task.
4. For all I knew, God bringing me to Liberty University for a Business Marketing degree had nothing to do with the course itself, but the lessons about life it would teach me, that He knew I would need for another life assignment later in life.
5. For all I knew, me being here at Liberty, by God’s design, had nothing to do with the classwork, but the people I would meet along the way.

And for me to assume anything differently is to say I think I know well enough on my own & to say that God is so limited by what I see right in front of me, in my own human understanding. Ouch.

I needed to understand that God has a plan beyond what I can see right in front of me.

Work As Unto the Lord, Not Man (Not Self)

How humbling a thought.

God knows why He has me here right now–with these particular people in these particular circumstances.

I see my marriage, my job, my simple interactions & think to myself “that is that.”

But God has a plan beyond what I can see.

That is why I must determine to work as unto the Lord & not man.

That is why I must fear the Lord my God AS GOD, recognizing I am far from it!

That is why I must trust His nudgings more than my own logic, perception, or circumstances.

Because God sees beyond what I see. He sees every ripple effect. He hears every silent plea that I don’t hear. He knows all & how it all fits together.

I don’t.

What Is Your Why?

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men….” (Colossians 3:23)

“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31)

What’s your motivation? Who are you relying on? Do you trust God more… or yourself?

Who are you striving for?

This may sound intimidating, until you think about our last chapter here (Chapter 10). It’s not dependent on us being good enough, but on a heart willing to let God be God & let God lead & let God supply. He does the rest. Are you willing? Start there.

Shine Hope by trusting His lead always, understanding that you ought to work as unto the LORD & not man, knowing God always has a plan beyond what you can ever see.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Cranberry Spice Candle (USA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! Handcrafted in Wisconsin, USA, these candles connect women survivors of sexual exploitation to safe housing, meaningful work and a healing network of support. The Cranberry Spice Candle comes in an adorable, shallow gold-tone candle tin and has a festive, comforting scent that is perfect to gift to a loved one this holiday season!

*****Every purchase of the Cranberry Spice Candle creates jobs for women in the United States.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

They Just Seem “Better Equipped” Than ME

I don’t know about you, but growing up, I would look at my Christian leaders—Sunday school teachers, Youth Pastor, deacons, authors, speakers, & the pastor himself, & think they held those positions because they were a cut above the rest… that they were “extra spiritual people.” Am I alone in this?

Now, keep in mind that back then I only read snippets of the Bible whether looking up in my concordance for relevant truth to whatever I was currently dealing with, memorizing specific verses at church, going through a topical Bible study, or even sermons on Sunday mornings (& other services throughout the week). AKA I didn’t have the full context of Who God is.

So, even though, as you read through the Bible, it is blatantly obvious that the people written about in the Bible were FAR from the perfect examples to emulate & FAR from even being courageous, super spiritual people… it didn’t quite click.

I wanted to serve God, sure, but I thought that was reserved for people much more spiritual than me.

God Can Work through Anyone

Well, as I shared over the last 2 chapters, with purging things like music that I was turning to instead of to God in times of trouble (validation versus trusting God could be enough for me) (Chapter 8) & how I was retaliated against by a demon because Satan DID NOT like that I was putting full faith in God versus anything BUT (Chapter 9)…. As I continued my journey through the book my friend & I were reading through together—“Authentic Beauty, by Leslie Ludy”— at the time that spurned all of that… God taught me something pretty crazy important.

He taught me that God can work through anyone.

The Heroes of the Bible Were Just as Flawed as Me

It becomes a little more “DUH” to me now that I have been reading through the Bible pretty consistently (more on how that came to be in another chapter because at this point in my life—early 20’s, I hadn’t gotten there in my growth yet).

I mean, how can it not be so incredibly obvious when you look at unwilling Moses with his “please send someone else” speech troubles & fear (Exodus 4:13)—oh yeah, & he felt so desperate to right the wrongs done against his people that he killed an Egyptian in his anger way before God even called him? (Exodus 2:11-15) Or how about David sleeping with another man’s wife & then having her husband killed to cover up his shame? (2 Samuel 11) OUCH. Or Abraham & his wife thinking they would “help God keep his promise of an heir” by agreeing he should sleep with their servant AKA sin against God? (Genesis 16:1-5) Or Jonah straight up RUNNING away because he didn’t want to listen to God? (Jonah 1:1-3) Or Gideon hiding in a cave & asking MULTIPLE times for confirmation because he was so scared to obey God? (Judges 6:11-40)

I mean, the list can go on for quite some time & these are all people we can wrongly tend to put up on a pedestal. Key words: these are all PEOPLE.

They’re all PEOPLE. They’re not GOD.

If We’re All Flawed, Sinful Human Beings… How Can God Use Any of Us?

So, then, if we all share the common denominator of being merely human, with all of our shared flaws, weaknesses, sins, insecurities, fears, etc. then how can ANY of us be used by God?

Because if God calls us to do something in obedience to Him, He is not relying on YOU being enough for it, because He knows HE IS. You can be sure that wherever He calls you to obey Him, He will be the One to supply your needs to accomplish it.

God worked the miracles for Moses. God parted the Red Sea. God gave Moses the words to say. God gave Moses a partner to assist him through his apprehensions & fears. God led them through the wilderness. God guided them to the promised land. God fought for them. (Exodus 3; Exodus 14)

He directed Jonah, knowing the people would repent if warned. He patiently KEPT directing Jonah in his disobedience because He cared too much for the evil Ninevites to let them pay what Jesus would cover if they were to repent & turn to God from their many sins. (Jonah 4)

He forgave David & was the One who worked through this sinful man’s life. Despite all of his very human, sinful failures, he kept coming back to God, trusting God above his complete unworthiness. (2 Samuel 12:1-15; also, see many Psalms where David repents & turns to rely on God)

Then there is God working through Abraham despite his lack of faith & answering Gideon’s many requests for confirmation to patiently act in long-suffering gentleness toward his many fears.

I mean, PAUL?! Enough said about Him. (Acts 26:9-31)

It’s not the heroes written of in the Bible who hold the power for change through ministry orchestrated by God, it’s God Himself!

They All Served the Same Great God

Having that experience with that demon that I talked about last week REALLY sealed that understanding in my brain, but it kept developing as I learned more about God’s servants that did GREAT things, not because they were great, but because they all served the same GREAT GOD.

So, consider me writing these chapters, week-by-week to you, my readers. I am NO different. I am HUMAN.

Do you know how many weeks I have to scrape myself off the floor, so to speak, because I feel SO opposed to getting off my lazy butt & getting to the editing even? If you follow me on social media, you have surely seen my posts/prayers asking for God’s help through my self-centered rebellious tendencies to avoid this part of the process.

I like choosing ME. I like choosing COMFORT. I am SELFISH. That is the real me.

I have sass & am stubborn (my mom can attest to this from my childhood). Working for the LORD requires me to DIE to myself… to lay down WANTS for HIM.… To accept that where I lack, I don’t have to quit & run because I can stop & turn to Him for help to get me through it with His wisdom, encouragement, courage, & peace. I can rely on this same great God that the heroes of the Bible served & lived for!

Grace, by Definition, Is Underserved

This phrase came to me sometime in the last year or so as I was praying over how I could possibly obey His command to extend grace to a fellow Christian who was very unkind to me consistently for months. His response to those prayers? “Michelle, grace, by definition, is undeserved.”

I will say it again, “Grace, by definition, is undeserved.” My grace-filled life is not a claim to a rosy-glassed life, but rather despite my flesh that constantly rears up to war with my soul, God continues to be my Enough. He continues to suffer long with me. He continues to HELP me submit to Him, even when it makes me uncomfortable to admit as to how little willpower & a desire to submit to Him comes naturally to me.

So, after that demon experience, after finishing this “Authentic Beauty” book with my dear friend, I realized that my desire to serve God did not have to end with my endless inadequacies….

… Because any work He would call me to all depended on HIM anyway.

And He was (is) ALWAYS enough.

My Precious “Lilies for the Lord”

So, birthed from these realizations, I jumped headfirst into every ministry opportunity God placed on my heart, beginning with a small group of middle school girls that will always hold a special place in my heart, long after they’ve forgotten all about me.

“Lilies for the Lord” was my first ministry back around 2006/2007. A group of about 7 middle schoolers, all friends of my baby sister from various activities she participated in. Even back then, my heart cry was to design & run my own website for those too scared to openly ask questions, where they would have support even if their family wasn’t supportive of their search for hope in Jesus Christ. I didn’t know where to begin, but look how far GOD has brought me all these years later!

We met at my parents’ house, I believe every other week. (Friday maybe?)

There was a memory verse each meet, a white board with next week’s verse, sometimes a small craft, & a Bible lesson. We also did prayer journaling times where they could go to a corner alone & write out their personal prayers to God, practicing intentionally turning to God in prayer.

It Wasn’t a “Spot That Needed Filling in a Church Ministry” but a Proclamation That, as a Girl in My 20’s, Their Walk with & Hope in God Was What Mattered Most

Once a quarter, we did a sleepover with either a movie theater field trip or laser tag or something of the like. Then followed with games & maybe pizza & snacks & cartoons & nail painting.

I also tried to do an occasional outreach with them to help them think outwardly versus just their own thoughts, wants, & life. This included a full feast for a pastor’s wife who had a major surgery & was bedridden during recovery & another time we made a bunch of cookies, included a verse of encouragement on each plate & asked for names from their parents of families who were having a rough Christmas that year due to loss or injury or health issues, went to their houses together, sang carols, & delivered cookies.

My heart was to teach them that investing in their lives & faith mattered to me. Not because I was signed up to help at church because they had a spot to fill, but because ME, a servant of God, CARED ABOUT THEM & their walk with God Almighty.

To teach them that purity mattered. That compromises always led to pain, even if not realized until years later (more on this in an upcoming chapter).

To teach them that their walk with God & their worship of Him & their obedience to Him was the MOST important thing they could pursue in their entire lifetime.

I Serve a Great God Who Does Not Give Up on Comfort-Seeking Me

I’m not saying all of this so you can “Ooooh” & “Ahhhh” at me, praising me, just as I am sure the disciples of Jesus would be offended at being worshipped rather than directing that worship to the one they gave their lives for.

I’m saying all of this because I want you to see that it is NOT ME. I am NOT super special, super spiritual.

I am just a regular, sin-torn, fleshly human woman who naturally gravitates toward HERSELF, but who has seen God be her ENOUGH in all of her lack. All of MY lack.

It All Starts with a Willingness–“Here I am, LORD. Send Me.”

A willingness to say to God, “Here I am, God. Send me. I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do or say or how to possibly get it done because it’s ME we’re talking about here. But I want to obey You. I want to serve You. Show me where. Show me what I can do for You. And show me that You’re my enough for it every step of the way as I lean into You for help every step of the way. You. Are. My. Enough. Here I am, LORD, send me.”

Are you willing to trust HIM to use your life to bless others & point to Him all along the journey? Then be willing to pray & ask for God to show you how He can use your life, too, with His help.

He won’t hesitate to use a willing heart to shine hope to those around them.

Shine HOPE by being willing to live for Him, knowing He’s the One to fill in your gaps where you lack. Because we ALL lack. But He doesn’t.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Silver Labradorite Set (EAST ASIA & INDIA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! Save $9.95 when you pair the Tortoise Textured Hoops with the Silver Labradorite Bracelet to create a complete fair-trade look! It’s perfect for gifting or styling yourself! Beautifully textured, the Tortoise Textured Hoops have a mirror effect that makes the bright silver color shine! The dainty details of this Silver Labradorite Bracelet will bring an elegant look to your ethical style with its silver and labradorite beads and one silver tube bead.

*****Every purchase creates necessary jobs for women in India & helps rescue women from brothels in East Asia.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

It’s So Easy to Try to Rely on Myself

I think it can be easy to look at someone like me, who has a public platform sharing the hope we have in Christ, & think I have it all together & am the primo example of a “good Christian.” Well, sorry to disappoint.

Here we are on Chapter 8, as we walk together through the story of my life, & all we’ll find here are more ways I found to rely on myself, after EVERYTHING I have already been through & shared with you. God is CONSTANTLY having to refine me & weed out & bring attention to areas where I either compromise or think it’s up to me & not up to Him.

This particular season in my life was no different.

I Thought the Dark Was Over

A few chapters ago, I talked about my depression spiral & the mercy from God that it ended up being for me… how much I have learned about depression & struggling with my emotions—either too many or not enough. (You can read about that in Chapter 3 or in “Understanding Depression with Discernment.”)

Well, to be honest, since it was such a huge pivot point in my life, I really just thought my deep depression in high school was merely a one-time teaching tool for that very specific lesson He taught me through it.

So, when it started to hit me again (read: TORMENT me again), it caught me completely off guard & I spiraled FAST.

The defeat I felt. “I already got through this! God already helped me through this! What is happening!?”

And talk about DARK.

Crying (& Screaming) Alone

I used to go to our community park, drive all the way to the secluded back of the lot (usually only occupied during ballgames)… & I would lock my doors, put the seat down, & SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS in anguish & pain until sobs took over & then numbness set in as I stared blankly ahead, wishing I could make the unreasonable, unrelenting emotional pain stop.

Seriously, it felt like pain was being lashed onto my emotions uncontrollably. Like deep gashes & razor slits over & over & over on my heart. Just constant, heart-wrenchingly debilitating PAIN just relentlessly terrorizing me.

It made no sense. It was maddening because it made no sense. I could see the trigger, logically reason that it wasn’t that big of a deal, but my emotional response was like you had killed someone I loved. It was ridiculous & agonizing how little sense it made... but the pain was very much real.

Satan Exploits Our Weakest Moments

Aside from the messed-up brain chemistry involved, it was undoubtedly an attack. Satan was trying to get me to quit God & give up on life. I could feel that oppression in my BONES.

In my car one such day, as I was trying to release some of the built-up oppressive pain I felt so much of the time, crying, rocking on my side whimpering, to screaming… I remember very clearly thinking, “Satan, I’m already saved. I’m already going to heaven. Nothing you can do can change that, so why are you messing with me? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!”

And I prayed. A LOT. I begged. I pleaded. I cried for rescue. I said, “Please God, please God. I can’t. Please help me. Please. I can’t. Please help me!”

God saw me… God heard me… God had a plan… but the pain continued.

God Is Bigger Than Anything Satan Can Do

This was more than just emotions outpouring from poorly regulated hormones/brain chemistry or whatnot. This was Satan seeing me weak & frail & kicking me repeatedly in the gut while I felt defenseless, trying to get me to renounce Christ & give up living.

Satan did not want me to shine HOPE. He wanted me to be a warning—to make an example of me.

But God is greater. God doesn’t give up on us. And God ALWAYS uses our hard for our good. He NEVER wastes our pain when we entrust Him with it.

God Promises Tribulation & Hardship in This Sin-Filled World… But He Also Promises He Is the Overcomer

I’m sorry I can’t be one of those, “if you honor God, everything will work out like a charm & life will be all rosy with rainbows & sparkles.” That would be a lie.

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

God actually promises tribulation. He promises hardship. He promises we will be hated for our faith, just as Jesus, in all His perfection, was hated even to death. (John 15:18-27)

So, no. It won’t be all butterflies & sunshine. We live in a world broken by sin. It will hurt sometimes. That’s just fact.

God IS Our Enough

BUT, God promises to BE our Enough IN it.

To give us wisdom when we ask. (James 1:5-6) To comfort us when we are weak. (2 Corinthians 1:4; Isaiah 41:10; Psalm 73:26) To be our rescue when we cry out to Him as our help. (2 Samuel 22:17-20; Psalm 107) To strengthen & enable us in our weaknesses. (Matthew 11:28-30) He IS our sufficiency. (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

IN it.

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.” (Psalm 34:17-18)

From Thinking about… to Planning… Suicide

Well, that was the first time in my life, in all the days in my high school depression years & then in that period of time, that my thinking about suicide turned into planning my suicide.

It felt like the ONLY way to make the relentless, terrorizing day & night PAIN STOP.

Heaven was something I craved SO DEEPLY because the pain of living was that intense & overwhelming. I wanted it to stop. I NEEDED it to stop. I wanted to DIE.

And that reality scared me so much. I prayed for rescue & God pushed me to confess to my mom my plans.

In high school, my expression of a need for help wasn’t really understood to be as desperate a plea as it was, so I was scared to confide & if misunderstood, what that would lead me to do in my desperation, but I obeyed God’s nudge to confide & so I went & I confessed my plans for suicide.

I Got Help

God used that obedience to lead my mom to urge me to call the advice nurse line & eventually get help by way of a wonderful psychologist who helped me understand my brain chemistry & patterns better so I could create healthier patterns & defenses to protect myself from falling prey to the lies my misfiring emotional terrors were telling me.

God used her knowledge of the human brain to help me understand & fight back.

I am so thankful for what I learned through that experience. Not being a victim anymore, but having tools to recognize where my brain was failing me so I wouldn’t so easily fall victim to Satan terrorizing me through that weakness.

The Lingering Stronghold… What I Went to Instead of GOD for Help

But through it all, one little problem remained.

Whenever I was struggling or feeling terrorized or emotionally hurt… I would listen to music that backed me up & made me feel validated. You know, things like, “you don’t deserve that!” or “you deserve better!” or “I wish someone loved me more” or whatever.

I think it’s because the intensity of my emotions felt like an avalanche that I couldn’t tame or understand or justify… it made me feel crazy & broken… so music that made me feel justified in it gave me some sense of security.

What I really needed was to be pouring truth into my heart, rather than just seeking validation for my feelings, I needed to be seeking God as my hope in it… I needed to lift my heart & my hurts to HIM.

I needed to be intentionally lifting my heart in worship to God, singing of His goodness & mercy & love & hope, pouring sweet truths over my heart while lifting up the one true God Who is deserving of my praise & worship… shifting my gaze from the terrors to the One who gives me HOPE.

Lifting my eyes above the waves. Focusing instead on HIM.

God Is My Comforter & My Hope

And God opened my eyes to this problem by leading me to read through Authentic Beauty, by Leslie Ludy, with my good friend.

After reading this book, the author directs you to download a PDF & encourages you to take old boyfriend notes, or anything else from your past or present that you are clinging to for security in place of the One true God, our Father, through Jesus Christ… & burn them. Get rid of them for good. Make it impossible to run back to them.

And one day, with my friend, we brought things we were clinging to as our “this proves I matter to someone” or “this makes me feel validated” items, we lit a fire on a grill at the park, we separately prayed through our PDF list, & we burned our items when we felt ready to surrender them in exchange for seeking hope in Him alone.

The freedom I felt that day was indescribable. And I remember writing in my prayer journal that I had brought with me that day only 2 simple verses & nothing else.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)

I burned that binder of CDs worth hundreds of dollars & determined that day that I didn’t want to depend on anything other than Him as my hope & my salvation through the darkest trials I may face. God is my comforter & my hope.

What Are You Clinging to Instead of to Jesus?

And I would understand completely if you don’t at all believe what happened next to me. Both the most terrifying & the most perspective-shifting event I couldn’t ever imagine took place as a result of this simple prayer & it shook me to my core (in a good way)… but that’s for the next chapter….

So, what are you clinging to in place of Jesus? Where are you supplementing? Where are you trying to control your own happiness/security/validation? What do you feel you NEED to feel whole… that isn’t Jesus? That’s a stronghold & you need to get rid of it.

Shine HOPE by going to HIM in your darkest times. He knows where to get you help. He can sufficiently offer peace. He knows what you need more than you do. He knows what steps to take for healing. He has perfect wisdom. He cares for you. He is your supply. Don’t turn to anything else but Him… because you will not find hope anywhere else but HIM.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! (THIS IS BLOG POST #300!!!) THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Enchanted Set (INDIA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! Save $15.95 when you purchase this set, which includes the Enchanted Twist Cuff and the Enhanced Ruby Studs, that doubles your impact for women ending poverty cycles in India! The two designs pair perfectly to make a great gift or a holiday look for yourself! The Enchanted Twist Cuff features two thin, golden strands twisted together to create a beautiful design perfect for everyday wear. The stunning Enhanced Ruby Studs are made using faceted ruby stones set in a gold-tone frame.

*****Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty in India where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

I Felt Fat, Ugly, & Unwanted

I grew up believing I was fat & that fat equals ugly & that ugly equals little to no value in the eyes of those around me.

Looking back on photos, I realize I wasn’t at all fat… I just wasn’t skinny or athletic… but that doesn’t change how I perceived myself back then.

Now, I would like to tell you that I immediately turned it over to God to trust that my value was in the fact that He made me & He saved me from myself, through Jesus… but, as I mentioned last week, I was still beginning to understand the fact that God is very present & wants to help with things like this.

So, I thought it was up to me to figure it out. And I thus sought to compensate for my very real feeling of LACK.

I Didn’t Fit In… I Mean I REALLY Didn’t Fit In

So, I worked out my own plan to help others overlook my so obvious slew of personal flaws with my weight, my clueless style taste, my never understanding jokes, my growing-up-homeschooled-as-a-kid (if you know, you know–when I was a kid, co-ops & other group sports & activities weren’t so established yet for the homeschool community as they are now), etc. aka I did NOT fit in.

I studied, by observation, what got the attention of my peers. What made them laugh, what they talked about, what they gossiped about. What they liked, what they made fun of, what they hated. I became a student of my peers, desperate to find a way to be of some value & find a way to fit in somewhere, to have friends, to belong, to be liked.

“Technically Not Sin…”?

Satan really fooled me on this one, just as he did with Eve all that time ago. (Genesis 3) He handed me an idea & I eagerly snatched it from his hand as the solution to my big problem. “As long as I don’t ‘technically’ sin, (aka sex-outside-of-marriage), then I’m sure it’s fine.”

By the way, in case you have convinced yourself otherwise (like I did), it’s NEVER a good idea to try to walk the fine line between direct disobedience & “technically” not sin. You’re certainly not fooling God & it never ends well.

But that is surely what I did. I became crass & crude, working for the shock factor. I dressed for attention. I trained myself in becoming appealing to others–to be likeable, easy-going, & have an air of confidence–all with innuendos & crude jokes.

The problem? Those others didn’t really even like ME. They liked the me I projected to them, didn’t they? Only a few actually knew the real me.

It became an act I couldn’t put down without risk of being found out as “just another fat, ugly loser” (again, how I perceived others would see me). That was my very real perception of the matter then & I was desperate not to be labeled in that way.

Why Words Matter

I am not proud of the me I was in that time in my life, but I can sympathize with her because I knew how scared I was to be alone in the world.

The pressure is very real. You overhear rude comments about others, see people criticized for every mistake or flaw on social media post comments, are told rude things by people you love… & it all feels like you better measure up or you’re worthless in this world.

Especially in middle school, high school & even college years. Words matter, people! How we talk about & talk to people matters.

Something Felt Off

I watched my peers carefully for, (no, I STUDIED) every chuckle, burst of laughter, knowing smile, reciprocated flirtations, shocked face, look of approval, etc. I was learning how to be what everyone seemed to want from me.

And I felt power in that… like a puppeteer who could spin a word or phrase into something inappropriate at the tip of a hat & watch as her audience responded favorably, internally smiling at the success.

I thought I had it all figured out. I was worth something. I was wanted.

But something felt off. Like a glitch that would jolt the success to less-than-satisfying, before I would shove that feeling down & remind myself that this is what I wanted.

But was it?

If this is what I wanted so badly, why did it feel kind of ick sometimes? What was I missing?

I Thought I Had It Made

Boys flirted with me every day & hit on me, like I was worth being hit on.

Everyone laughed at my crude crassness & my twisting of everything inappropriately to get the desired shock factor. People liked it.

I felt in control instead of a loser.

I felt desirable instead of fat.

I felt wanted.

So, why did something feel off?

FINALLY, I Wondered If God Could Help Me… But I Was Too Afraid to Really Ask

I started to finally pray about it & ask God His opinion… but I was so disillusioned that I wanted to believe my actions were far from sinful because I “wasn’t actually, technically doing anything wrong.” But every time I prayed, that disillusionment would slip a little & I would feel guilt & shame take its place. I didn’t like that.

That didn’t feel good. I mean, I wasn’t TRYING to be sinful, I just wanted to be wanted & liked so badly. I wasn’t trying to dishonor or displease God or anything.

Then it became too scary to pray. I didn’t like my successful measures being put into question. I was finally happy! I was finally wanted!

Or… was I…?

My Disillusionment Was Slipping

This went on for at least a couple years, surprisingly, even following my depression-shattering experience. (Read about that in Chapter 3.) I really was fooled. And I really was foolish.

But the pang seemed to only get stronger as time went on. My stuffing it down became less successful. Something felt off about all of it & I didn’t want to let go.

I didn’t want to be the fat, ugly loser that nobody wanted. That seriously felt like my one alternative & I was NOT interested in going back to feeling that way.

But that pang became an ache inside my heart. I somehow felt used even though I was initiating the inappropriate comments.

I felt gross.

And as time went on, God helped me realize why… something He had tried to wake me up to many times prior: “What they love is not you… it’s who you pretend to be for them to like you…. That’s not real love. It’s all fake. It’s all a show.”

That hurt. It cut me deep. And it scared me. I didn’t want to be alone.

My Way Didn’t Actually Work… It Just Left Me Feeling Empty

All of it was for nothing, because deep down, I still felt like the fat, ugly loser I believed I truly was under the façade I had so carefully crafted for the world to see…. And if that façade were to slip for a single moment, or if I didn’t feel I had the desire to keep it up for even a day, I knew all of that would come crashing down & mean nothing because they would all see the truth.

It was exhausting, quite honestly. It had become my prison.

My desperate need to be wanted & accepted had caused my compromise that didn’t actually even fix or solve my problem.

So, timidly, I began to pray… SCARED.

I Was So Scared to Pray… That God Would Convince Me to Stop & That I Would Lose Everyone

I was terrified that praying to this end might mean the loss of everyone who supported me or cared about me… that they would see how boring & uninteresting & ugly I really was & that would be it… it would be confirmed as they all turned their backs on me & forgot I existed.

I was terrified of that!

But, I needed out of this prison somehow, so I figured that if anyone knew who I was meant to be, it would be the One Who made me—GOD.

So, timidly, I began to pray to that end, as scared as I was of the result.

My Prayers Went Something Like This:

“God, to be honest, I am scared to ask for Your opinion & help in this. I’m afraid that You will confirm what my heart suspects, that even though I am not “technically sinning” as I have determined, I am still dishonoring You with my actions. I’m afraid that it would mean I have to stop & that friends won’t want to be friends… that they’ll all gradually fall away because I won’t be interesting or fun anymore. I’m afraid they won’t want me as just a fat girl with nothing else to offer. I don’t know who I am anymore without this. This has been my life for YEARS. How can I just change? I won’t feel ME anymore & that terrifies me. What if there is nothing left if You take this away from me? What if I lose my value? What if I am alone? But God, something in me feels ick & I can’t shake it anymore. Something feels off. I feel trapped by this image I have created for myself. I don’t like that either. I don’t know what to do anymore. So, please, God… if ANYONE knows who I am… it would be You… because You made me. So help me to see who YOU made me to be. Even if I lose everyone I care about, I want to see me in Your eyes, how You intended… not my determining anymore. Your way. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”

God Began to Shift My Heart & Make It New

I prayed something similar to that for MONTHS… & little by little, those quick retorts & innuendos just sort of faded away. I lost the desire to play along or try to play a part to be liked. It just didn’t seem to matter so much to me anymore.

I started to realize that I was going to be just fine. This confidence started to bubble up in me that I had never experienced before… like I didn’t really care if they approved of the changes in me or not anymore. It really surprised & delighted me.

That I was okay just being me.

Of course, I didn’t fully understand who that was really yet, but I felt okay letting God help me figure that out versus trying to mold to everyone else’s ideals, opinions, or desires of me.

God made me… not me… not them… GOD.

And I wanted HIM to have the final say on who I was from then on.

God Made Me, I Didn’t

If anyone knew who I was created to be, it was going to be the very One Who created me. My loving God Almighty, Creator of heaven & earth, Redeemer of my soul, through Jesus Christ.

If you are feeling stuck in a world of trying to fit in… to cover up or compensate for your flaws in order to feel “wantable” or accepted… just know that you aren’t alone in that. But also know that God is big enough in that struggle as well, because He made you & He loves you so very much. You don’t have to pretend with Him.

Shine HOPE, by not letting opinions, insecurities, the world, family, upbringing, culture, or anyone else define you. Leave that up to the One Who MADE YOU.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Cacao Tea (GUATEMALA)

Enjoy a smooth and flavorful blend of 100% Guatemalan loose-leaf tea, made of the roasted husks of cacao beans. Every purchase supports families in areas of extreme poverty in Guatemala with safe jobs and fair wages.

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Is It Really That Bad?

It’s easy to look at someone else’s situation & think to yourself, “Is it really as bad as they make it out to be, though?” Have you ever thought that?

Regretfully, I have.

Have you ever had someone judge you in that way? Maybe with a chronic illness or migraines or something where others may think you’re exaggerating? Regretfully, it’s a yes for me to this as well.

And to those of you who make conscious effort to give people the benefit of the doubt when you don’t understand or don’t see the validity of someone’s struggle… BLESS YOU.

(Note: If you are a friend who has confided in me, having context & backstory, as friends, makes it less likely I will doubt what you say… but I don’t have that context with people I don’t know very well–& that should make no difference.)

Always Extend Grace

A friend recently said in our conversation that assumptions are never a good idea & that (as I have posted about on here before), even if someone is hurtful to me one day, it could have been a very bad, off day for them & I was just the recipient of outpoured stress. Still not kind or okay, but it may not be their all-the-time view of me. It may just be that they’re stressed & I got in their path.

That’s one reason I believe that God stresses the importance of extending grace to others. You just don’t know what they’re going through. Was it right? No. But I can ask God to help me take my personal feelings out of the equation, have compassion for whatever is causing them to lash out this way, & I can pray for them. Always extend grace.

I’m Not Even 4o Yet… How Can My Body Hurt This Much?

Look, I’m not even 40 yet (although November is coming quickly!) & I already feel like I have the body of an 80-year-old woman.

I get it. I’m aging. The stereotypical jokes after 30 start focusing a lot more on the whole sore &/or creaking back you can get just from standing up from sitting. It doesn’t take much.

But this seems worse to me somehow. Like, commonly I can lean over to wipe a child’s short desk (I am an aide for a class with littles) with a cleaning wipe or PICK UP A PIECE OF PAPER & my back reacts like that “WOAH” wide-eyed shocked emoji. It seizes up with sharp pain & I almost feel as if I’ve gone & thrown my back out from PICKING UP A PIECE OF PAPER. Like, WHAT?!

Trying to Explain Something to Someone That Doesn’t Even Make Sense to Me…

And just like my sudden overwhelm of emotions that send me into sobs for absolutely no reason when hormones are going crazy before a certain time of the month… I have no legitimate cause to offer anyone for these pains.

Like, “Well, I don’t know. I picked up a piece of paper & my back stopped working.”

This is about where I get the slow eyebrow raise like, “you… what now?” And I want to just shrug & say, “Yeah, a piece of paper did this to me. I can’t even pick up a piece of paper that’s lower than table height or my back may decide to stop working. Not a ream of paper or a crate of paper. Just a single sheet. It’s really the leaning down motion that does it.”

Sounds legit.

And lately, when I turn (not even that quickly or forcefully), sometimes my back ribs will pop out of place for a minute, creating a sharp pain & being frozen in place until I can ease it back into place.

My body is falling apart on me, guys.

It’s Like… “I Promise It Hurts?”

And none of it seems legitimate enough to warrant how much pain it can cause me. And it’s also not at all consistent, so that really helps when I am trying to get someone to believe me. Thanks, body. Thanks a lot.

I get it when people don’t get it… when they respond insensitively. I wish I could say I didn’t, but I do. I have made similar assumptions about others based on my own observations & experiences.

Shame on me.

It IS Up to Me to PRAY

It’s NOT up to me to decide whether or not someone deserves my compassion. It IS up to me to PRAY for them regardless of my opinion.

I have been in seasons of my life, like last year, that were unbelievably hard (moving from a place I loved back to a place I opposite-of-loved, with all the preparations & planning falling out from under us each step of the way & just living on a prayer, literally… to then a tumultuous, displaced beginning here where we could not find a home in our budget)... And to some people, I probably looked like a weak person for struggling so much. It probably seemed dramatic & exaggerative… I get it.

And to top it off, my back issues.

I was desperate for a sense of HOME, to feel settled & I really needed compassion. I was a whole lot more vulnerable than is typical. I felt displaced & hurting (physically & emotionally).

I need to look past my view of a situation & be ready to pray. Not judge it’s deserving… just PRAY. God knows their need. God is able to help them. So, I need to pray.

Just PRAY Anyway

Sometimes it really is about-attention seeking for people. Maybe they just really are feeling alone in this world, rejected by someone they love & trust, displaced, a chronic illness, a diagnosis… their world feels like it is spinning out of control. Maybe they put on a brave face so they don’t have to explain their pain to everyone who asks… If someone such as this chooses to share with me their struggle… I ought to pray for them… even if from an outsider’s view it seems “not so bad” because of how hard they fight to hide the weight of their true inner struggle. Just PRAY anyway.

Sometimes they do cry & it seems like all they ever do is cry. Maybe it’s hormones. Maybe it’s depression eating at their sanity… maybe it’s a trial in their life they don’t let known for shame or embarrassment. Maybe they really are just weak-hearted. I don’t know. But it’s not my job to know. It’s my job to care & to pray anyway.

Sometimes pain is obvious & consistent. Sometimes it’s sporadic & hard to see. Sometimes people try to play tough, so when they share, they don’t seem all too shaken up about it. Some don’t bother hiding it. Doesn’t matter. I ought to pray.

Give Others the Benefit of the Doubt… & Pray

The loving, God-honoring choice is to give others the benefit of the doubt… & pray.

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) (emphasis added)

It doesn’t have to appear legitimate for it to be legitimate.

It doesn’t have to appear legitimate for me to show compassion.

It doesn’t have to appear legitimate for me to give it over to God & pray for them.

Shine HOPE by choosing to be kind, caring, & compassionate, even when their hurt doesn’t make much sense to you… & pray for them… always pray for them.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Girls’ Education Necklace-Silver (East Asia/Haiti)

Girls’ education is the key to a brighter future! This dainty feminine, necklace features a little key charm plated in Sterling Silver and made by women rescued from brothels in East Asia. Ten dollars from every Girls’ Education Necklace purchase is given directly to L’École Royale in Haiti. We understand the importance of children’s education to truly end poverty cycles in areas of extreme poverty.

*****Every purchase sends girls to school and helps support a sex-trafficking survivor in East Asia with safe housing, health care, trauma counseling, job skills training, and dignified income.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!