Why?

Do you know why I think Christianity doesn’t seem to “stick” for some people? Why either they start out following Jesus & then turn away… or whether they just don’t want to accept Him at all in the first place?

Because the fleshly nature does not chill out once you become a Christian. In other words, you still want what you want sometimes, even if you know you shouldn’t want it.

Paul talks about this war with the flesh… doing what he doesn’t want & not doing what he wills to do. (Romans 7:15-20)

It’s talked about in 1 Peter: “… abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul….” (1 Peter 2:11b)

And in James… “But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.” (James 1:14-15)

And in Luke: “… they go out and [the truth they’ve heard] is choked with cares, riches, and pleasures of life, and brings no fruit to maturity.” (Luke 8:14)

I mean, I have been a Christian for 35 years now & I feel it still. And whenever I think I am finally immune to it… there it is again.

Denial of Self Is HARD Some Days, Isn’t It?

Why do I think Christianity doesn’t seem to “stick” for some people?

Because it requires & calls us to a constant denial of SELF… & we, as humanity, tend to really like SELF.

Whether it’s us doubting God’s Word as valid “enough” or logical “enough” because it makes no sense to us or seems to oppose what we perceive of the way things “actually” work….

Whether it’s going through cruel circumstances that seem to rip you to shreds & leave you so broken that you question how a good God Who claims to love you could do this…. (Read Job.)

Whether it’s facing hard that won’t ever seem to stop & you just want to numb or cling to easy instead of consistently having to turn to God as your help. Feeling consistently insufficient is HARD.

Whether it’s living the day-to-day with the desire to live it YOUR way with no shame or guilt hovering over your head like a dark, annoying cloud.

SELF-denial is HARD sometimes. Can I get an amen? Because I FEEL this sometimes. I have been through seasons of ALL of the above… & more.

Self-denial some days feels to be obviously the best option (because, really, it actually IS), while other days it can feel frustrating & awful.

God Calls the Shots… Not Me

Christianity requires self-denial. We have to come to the end of ourselves, recognize that the ONLY real, true standard is set by the God Almighty Who made it all & Who is outside time & space, that it’s His world, whether it makes us comfortable or not… & as such, He alone gets to set the standard, whether we agree with it or not… & that we can never live up to said standard 100% of the time perfectly because we are sinful people… we choose US even in small ways & often in big ways… that we can’t save ourselves from the wrath of God that we deserve because of this… & finally, an accepting of the free gift of Jesus paying for our sins on the cross & rising again victorious over our sin & death.

A ”Not I, but Christ,” attitude & heart posture.

And yes, the freedom & forgiveness that fills in all of those rotting spaces in our soul is refreshing & freeing & wonderful. It is beyond worth anything we may in turn forsake to glorify Him instead of ourselves.

But afterwards… our fleshly self doesn’t just take a hike for good… it just doesn’t have the final say anymore. It doesn’t automatically win anymore. It doesn’t have full control. … But it still wants it sometimes.

But giving God full control is a very, very good thing… because God’s standard, get this… is ALWAYS for OUR good & HIS glory. Always.

Why Do I Still Wrestle, Then?

So, why do I have to be so annoying? Why do I still wrestle with SELF trying to win when HIS way ALWAYS proves better in the end?

I’m like a little kid who screams, “I DO IT!” sometimes when God tries to direct me His way.

Or sometimes I think on what He calls me to & I think… “but being on the couch in my pjs seems much better… let’s go with that instead.”

Or, I think to myself, “They don’t DESERVE that! Why would I do that for them or why would I forgive THEM?!!?” (See “Unforgiving Servant” story in the Bible in Matthew 18:21-35, as well as all of the book of Jonah.)

Or, I am so cranky from my alarm waking me from that cool dream & that relaxing state of sleep that I just don’t wanna ANYTHING. (Repenting over the grumpies is an unfortunately very real morning routine for me, folks.)

Or, I want to grab a snack, pop on the tv, play a game, or literally anything else to quell my restless, stressful thoughts because it’s instant gratification rather than praying for help & maybe being told to “go for a walk” or something way less instantly gratifying….

The amount of times in a day that I let my flesh win, even in the little choices or attitudes, is really quite embarrassing.

Self-denial is HARD. Why do I still wrestle when I know He ought to win?

I Have to First Say “No” to ME in Order to Experience the Many Blessings of Trusting HIM

Taking up my cross daily & following Him is HARD. Rewarding & worth it & fruitful & satisfying & fulfilling & uplifting? YES. … But HARD because it means I have to FIRST say ‘NO’ to ME. And I don’t always like doing that.

I get it. We want to be gods in our own little personal world. We want to cater to the ME. It’s not always comfortable yielding to Someone else, especially when it doesn’t make any sense to us or it doesn’t seem to be what we’d want.

And the me-first, main character culture of today is NOT helping things, because it reinforces what we already want to be true. But this is His Story. History is His story. Not mine. Not yours. HIS. We are all side characters in HIS story. Supporting roles, if you will. NOT the main character.

And I get it. Stepping out of the spotlight in your life… & letting Him take center stage instead, even when you feel you have such great things to offer… is hard.

But it’s not our stage. It’s HIS.

And that’s hard some days. The fact is… it is hard to yield ourselves, our will, our intellect, our comforts, our way… to Him. To trust HIM to be our sovereign sufficiency & and not anything or anyONE else.

Do We Believe God Is Stronger Than:

… a cup of coffee in the morning

… a good night’s rest

… self-care

… a bad mood

… a lover’s embrace

… our hopes & dreams

… feeling wanted

… companionship

… comfort

… success/accomplishment

… ________________________________________

Or, do you feel like you need Jesus + ____________________________?

Not to say that they’re all bad things… not to say most aren’t helpful… but do you feel like God is strong enough even without them?

Or do you feel like you need God + ___________________________?

What fills in that blank for you, if you are COMPLETELY honest with yourself?

The Things I Chase

For me, it’s numbing things like tv, games, random videos, snacks, etc. when I feel restless, weighed down, stressed, or tired… because it’s easy & quick, even though none of them solve anything… just cover it up for a while until it comes back up again… because I’m too scared sometimes of what God will ask me to try instead that’s not so quick & mindless a solution. (As if God doesn’t know how to help me THROUGH that issue to SOLVE that issue… versus just avoiding it forever.)

For me, it’s still struggling with fantasizing, with loopholes of it never being about real people, because I am too scared to trust God’s way without it. (As if God didn’t CREATE sex for marriage & as if He can’t help me a better way because He knows best.)

For me, it’s being too scared to just randomly go up to a stranger & talk about Jesus when I feel His nudging on my heart. (As if God doesn’t know EVERYONE’S thoughts & as if He can’t see their questions, hurts, & doubts when they lie awake in bed at night & how to answer them through my willingness to be used by Him in that moment.)

For me, it’s wanting to withdraw because of how awkward I feel trying to find my place in a group setting where I don’t know where I fit. (As if God can’t give me courage.)

For me, it’s wanting to wallow when I feel lonely. (As if God can’t hold & love me through it.)

For me, it’s hating hard that won’t quit & wanting to blame God or shut down. (As if God can’t sufficiently BE my strength in those seasons if I keep calling out to Him.)

For me, it’s wanting to hold a grudge when someone is consistently & unapologetically rude or mean to me. (As if Jesus didn’t already pay for that & even pay much more for ME.)

For me, it’s clinging to the comforts He supplies rather than Him when I get too comfortable with those comforts. (As if He doesn’t already know my needs & as if He can’t perfectly supply every time withOUT those comforts I cling to.)

I could go on… really. (I told you it’s embarrassing.) 35 years in & I still face this war in myself some days. I’m forever not perfect. Always “failing forward” as I heard somewhere.

What Is It for You?

What are you tempted to trade God for?

Where does your flesh tend to win?

When does it get hard for you to keep trusting Him & going to Him?

What would make you walk away? What is your breaking point? … Or are you all in, bowing to Him as LORD come what may?

What areas do you tend to feel your flesh nature scream for attention & preference?

Shine HOPE by determining to intentionally bow all of that to Him, relying on Him no matter what & not trading Him in for anything else. Because nothing, & I mean NOTHING satisfies like God can, through Jesus Christ our LORD.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over 5.5 years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Beehive Trivet Set (INDIA)

This set is perfect to display ethically made home decor to upscale your home design! Create a beautiful display that showcases the craftsmanship of our Artisan Partners in India who handcraft the detailed Bumblebee Trivet and Honeycomb Trivet! The Bumblebee Trivet features a single-line bumblebee shape, and the Honeycomb Trivet features a fun honeycomb design.

*****Every purchase of the Beehive Trivet Set supports families in areas of extreme poverty in India, empowering them to end poverty cycles for their families, send their kids to school, and earn fair wages for their work.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Why Did Jesus Rebuke Them?

I’m working through a Bible study right now on Matthew 5-7 & we’re at the part about fasting. Well, the point of the passage is really not even about the fasting, but about the motive behind the fasting. (Matthew 6:16-18; Isaiah 58:3-12)

You see, the people were prostrating themselves, bowing low, sackcloth & ashes, the whole deal… but Jesus rebuked them for it all. Why? Motive matters.

They hoped they could all live the way they wanted, but as long as they followed all the “right” Christian-y steps, they were all good & God would listen to them when they fasted.

In other words, there was no bowing of their HEARTS to Him… just the physical bowing of their heads.

And Jesus rejected it.

What’s Your Why?

I see that even with how some people celebrate lent. The restaurant advertisements during lent are getting a little ridiculous because lent is supposed to be about denying yourself something you love to draw your heart closer to God & submitting yourself more fully to Him… but has become (for some) a show of giving up one pleasure & just exchanging it for a different pleasure instead during that time period. Doesn’t that kind of defeat the whole point?

And holidays can be the same way, in a sense. Certain holidays, like Easter & Christmas, are meant to be a remembrance of Him & are meant to stand as a reminder to worship & praise Him for all the good He has done. A testimony of His goodness & glory.

Who Is the Figurehead That Represents Christmas?

For example, I’m not opposed to Santa, mainly because he is based on a real human who saw a need & sought to be a blessing to those around Him. But I’m sure if he was looking down from heaven, he would be disturbed by how far it’s gone… making him the figurehead of Christmas instead of Christ.

So, no, I am not opposed or revolted by Santa, but I do think it’s gotten so saturated as the general figurehead of Christmas that he vastly drowns out the real reason we’re reminded to celebrate… the coming of God become man to earth–JESUS–to ultimately give His life as our ransom.

That should be sobering… humbling… invoking of WORSHIP to God Almighty.

What’s the Big Deal about Easter?

And Easter… & the bunny… & the eggs… & pastel… dressing up.

None of those things are wrong at all… but do they reflect the reason we celebrate Easter? Do we follow cute traditions more than we make it about Him? That Jesus bowed His life to us on the cross to pay our debt to God by giving His own life for us & then rising again victorious over death & our sin?

What is our focus? What is our motive? What matters MOST to us if we’re really honest with ourselves?

Do we have all of our Christian-y rituals down? Check. Check. Check?

Or are we really reflecting on having a bowed down heart versus just a bowed down head?

Everything We Say, Think, Feel, Do… Reflects What We Think about Jesus

I get accused sometimes of “trying to make everything spiritual” or that my takeaways “don’t always have to be something spiritual,” but if not, what am I making my life about? ME?

Like it or not, every decision we make… Every word we say…. Every motive matters. Everything reflects what we think about Jesus. Everything is, essentially… spiritual.

Is it just “what can I get out of this?” Or is it, “how ought I surrender more to His control?”

Should I be satisfied with a “good enough” level of surrender? Or should I always strive to aim for more surrender to Him?

Where Is My Heart? … Where Is Yours?

Am I living for me, with a dash of Jesus sprinkled in there for good measure?

Or is my all dedicated to Him as an offering & a sacrifice for His use?

Living for me with God as my backup plan or aide in MY way?

Or living fully for Him?

Bowing low, sackcloth & ashes, denial of self to somehow make a point to God, to somehow manipulate Him into action?

Or bowing my HEART to Him as my LORD God, Lord of my life?

What do I hold back from Him? What parts do I reserve just for me?

Is my sprinkle of Jesus in my life just so I can feel I “did my part” as a Christian?

Or do I live to let Him have ever more of my life?

Who do I trust more with my life? Me? Or Him?

I am Convicted of This Regularly… It’s Too Easy to Live for Me

I am definitely not writing this to say that I have it all figured out nor do I think I always make the best choices.

But I do understand that I ought to do better. Not because it earns me something from God. Not to “get God to listen to me.” Not to be “a better person.”

But because He really actually deserves it. It’s what we’re made for.

Everything in our lives should reflect worship to Him. Because it is what He deserves.

It shouldn’t be about living our routines & our lives & our desires & our dreams… but in bowing all of that to be changed by Him if He so wishes.

He Is More

He has a plan that spans before & past my lifetime. How can I use the time I have in order to point to Him as the One true God, our only HOPE?

He has wisdom & knowledge & understanding I cannot even begin to fathom. How can I bow what I think I know to trusting He DOES know?

How can my life be more than just doing all the right things, to living a life surrendered to His will, His way, His help, His glory? Trusting He will more than care for me along the way?

Why Do You Celebrate? Where Is Your Heart?

What’s the big deal about Easter? Why do you celebrate it? Or why don’t you? What is it about? What do you look forward to? Where is your focus?

What do your plans on this day reflect about what it means to you?

One thing I like to do each year to help me remember what it’s really about… is making quiche. We don’t make it often, but I love the picture as I am making it of the eggs being broken & poured out, just like Jesus offered up Himself to be broken for our transgressions, pouring out a demonstration of His love for us through His death for us… rising again triumphant! That sacrifice nourishes us & gives us LIFE.

“But He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5) <–He did that for US, guys!

What Would God Say to You?

What would God say in response to your sacrifices for Him? In response to your works for Him? In response to the way you live your life... if His message in Isaiah 58:3-12 was directed at you?

Is your heart bowed to Him? Or just your head?

Shine HOPE by choosing to not just go through the “Christian-y motions,” but by choosing to submit however you feel about it to be changed by Him to bring Him more glory through the short life you do have… by surrendering all the more as time goes by, letting Him be LORD of your LIFE… ALL of it.

Here’s to forever being fellow works-in-PROGRESS.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over 5.5 years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

April 2024 Hope Mail (INDIA)

This exclusive April Hope Mail package makes a great gift for any occasion! Receive free shipping on this April Hope Mail package that includes our Misty Teal Earrings handmade in India, Silver Duet Bracelet from India, and our adorable Umbrella Sticker mailed in a stylish Fashion as a Force for Good envelope.

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

I Felt Like the Fat Kid

I grew up feeling fat. Weight was talked about quite a bit in my growing up years… so it became something I thought about quite a lot in my growing up years.

In fact, I thought about it so much that I felt like the fat, ugly friend in every friend group I happened to be a part of.

Looking back at pictures of me from those days, I am quite shocked to recognize how comparable I looked to those friends weight-wise. But my perception back then told me differently.

My Failed Searches for Worth

This has been a long-term problem for me. One where I finally found eventual freedom.

If you remember me talking about being a flirt back when I was younger, a big part of that was me trying to feel like I was worth paying attention to… worth feeling valued or wanted… worth someone’s love. (Read Chapter 5: God Made Me, to hear more about that story.)

And as you may also remember, that method failed me greatly & led to a different kind of prison. Instead of—get skinny or you can’t be loved… it became—stay interesting or you can’t be loved. Different problem, same prison.

And even though I grew through that, in learning to trust that if God made me, than He would be the One to know how He made me… better than I did… even if it meant I lost friends.… I found my security in God reassuring me that I didn’t need to prove myself enough or build up façade upon façade to earn friendship…. But even with that growth–I still felt like I wasn’t worth love because of the way I looked.

I Believed the World around Me Mocked Me When They Saw Me

I still felt like the frumpy, fat, ugly friend… the girl no guy would want to marry or love.

I still filtered every interaction or conversation or perception through believing others were internally (or behind my back) looking down on me & thinking less of me because I was not skinny.

I thought it wasn’t just my surroundings, but that everyone judged people’s value by the way they looked. I thought everyone mocked me when I passed by or that everyone must be discussing my body weight behind my back. That’s what made sense to me.

The Prison Isn’t Just for “Fat” People…

Then, I met a friend who used to be a model & she shared that even having ideal measurements & meeting high standards & receiving tons of praise & admiration… she used to be in the very same prison I mentioned earlier: Stay skinny or lose your value.

Different problem (because she WAS skinny), same prison (because she feared losing her worth if NOT skinny).

And that made me realize that losing my weight could never really release me from that prison.

Weight & worth are not connected. Weight & beauty are not connected. A woman can be overweight & still be very beautiful. I have seen it!

Weight Is Just Weight

No. Weight is just weight. Does eating poorly tend to make you gain weight? Yes. But then, your concern should be focused on getting your health in check… not on whether you now have lost your deserving to be loved.

Does that make sense?

We NEED to separate those two ideas.

Weight DOES NOT equal worth.

Weight DOES NOT make you ugly or beautiful.

“Watch Your Health” Should be the New Phrasing

Watching your weight should be a health concern ONLY. To make sure you are properly caring for your body—fueling it versus just feeding it.

To make sure your organs & blood vessels aren’t being restricted or damaged long-term… to make sure you have energy & strength to live your life the best you can… to help your body be strong against diseases & recovery well after injuries.

Weight can be still be an issue you need to work on, but NOT because it will somehow make you worth loving—because weight can’t give or take that away.

My 2 Beautiful College Roommates

God gave me a beautiful gift in college, in the form of 2 fun, caring, sweet roommates my senior year. Love them to pieces to this day, even though we rarely talk.

They were so genuine & caring & just fun to be around. It was what college roommate dreams are made of. We were silly goofballs together & just enjoyed hanging out & chatting in our room. I felt like I had gained 2 extra sisters that year.

But, they both looked like they could be fashion models & when I was first introduced to them as my roommates, I was SO intimidated by their beauty, making me feel like the ugly duckling in comparison.

What They Taught Me

Over time, though, they taught me that not everyone who looks that way is constantly looking down on &/or gossiping about women who look like me… that my weight was not their first/primary thought.

Some nights, a young lady heavier than I would come in our room to ask a question or something while the 2 of them were up working on projects or whatnot, & I had been in bed, presumably asleep for quite awhile… & when that young lady would leave, them assuming I was long asleep… I braced myself for the presumed mocking comments to begin… or at least “well-meaning” comments about “she really should lose weight…” but none came. In fact, it was usually PRAISE coming from them, ie. “She is SO nice. She always says the kindest things & puts a smile on my face,” or, “she has the best sense of humor—she always knows how to make me laugh when I’m having a rough day—I love her!”

Those aren’t exact conversations overheard, but the idea of it is. They were only praising/focusing on CHARACTER qualities… NOT weight! I thought EVERYONE focused primarily on weight!

Then Came My Husband

Fast forward to meeting my husband. He is a handsome man. I felt like the balloon animal in the relationship… or maybe the parade float.

But he never saw me that way. He would always say something like, “I just care about you being healthy & taking care of yourself. If that magically meant you GAINED weight, I would still prefer it. Skinny doesn’t automatically mean healthy either & I want you to be healthy.”

It took about a gazillion times for him to say this before I started to believe him, but God began shifting my perspective from “low weight… or else” to, “weight does not equal worth–weight is just weight.”

I’m Not Scared of My Chubs

I’m not scared of my chub chub anymore. My tummy doesn’t disgust me when I see a roll. I don’t wear baggy shirts or cardigans to hide anymore.

My weight does not equal my worth.

But my weight still matters. I want to honor God with the choices I make. I want to steward well what He has made for me. (Psalm 139:13-16)

“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31)

I’m still responsible for the choices I make. I will still feel the health consequences of the choices I make. But I’m not scared of my chubs anymore.

God’s Gentle Step-by Step Guiding

God is gently, year-by-year, guiding me to make better habits: doing a workout several times a week, eating a nutritious breakfast to start my every morning, making healthy & nutritious meals adapted from recipes we already enjoy, limiting how often we eat out now… all baby steps, little by little, building healthier habits to benefit my HEALTH.

(If you struggle with knowing where to start, meal-planning & balancing nutrition… I have suggestions added to my recommendations page to help you get started. These have helped me tremendously along the way! Check them out @ Body Stewardship | Michelle Hyde Online.)

Now for a Healthier Me

Do I still have a long way to go, health-wise? Yes. Am I skinny? No.

Am I still concerned with my health? Yes. Do I still feel the need to get skinny? No.

Do I still feel self-conscious about my lack of self-control, leading to my poor health? Yes. Do I still feel self-conscious about my ever-present muffin top? No.

Learn to separate the 2. They’re not connected. Weight does not equal worth, but your weight, as it affects your health, is still important for the sake of your health.

Learn to look at your body as something God designed & knit together for you. Would you want to knowingly misuse, abuse, or neglect that gift? Probably not.

Shine HOPE by learning to be a good steward of what God has given you, while learning to find your worth in Him, not your weight. You are beautifully & wonderfully made. God doesn’t make mistakes, Beautiful. Now for a healthier me!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over 5.5 years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

March 2024 Hope Mail (MEXICO & INDIA)

This exclusive March Hope Mail package makes a great gift for any occasion! Receive free shipping on this March Hope Mail package that includes our Alabaster Raffia Earrings handmade in India, Luna Tassel from Mexico, and our friendly Hummingbird Sticker mailed in a stylish Fashion as a Force for Good envelope.

*****Every purchase of this set empowers women in Mexico & India out of poverty!!*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

God Always Has a Plan

I was humbled so much during my time in Hokkaido, Japan.

In fact, coming through my loneliness in Guam & then on to the immense strain my brain experienced in Hokkaido (mixed with even deeper loneliness because of the great language barriers), is what pushed me to start this journey with my website & blog!

God showed me firsthand that not every person, whether missionary or expat or even living in certain areas or families—not everyone has Christian fellowship, support, encouragement, & testimonies of His HOPE around them to encourage & edify them every day.

We NEED each other. God made us for community. We are weak, fleshly humans with a tendency to stray after shiny things that look great but have nasty consequences either immediately or eventually.

So, here I am. I’m not perfect. I’m not the shining example you should strive to emulate. But I AM a woman who understands that the God of the Bible, the One TRUE God, is WORTH showing up for & pointing to through all of MY inadequacies & failures.

Zero Times

Speaking of me NOT being the shining example… Do you remember reading that I accepted Jesus’ FREE gift of salvation, Him paying my debt to God by dying in my place… at FIVE years old?

Guess how many times I had read the Bible all the way through by the time we were living in Hokkaido, Japan, 30+ years later?

Zero. ZERO times.

I had read the Bible, of course. I knew a lot of the retelling stories written about in the Bible. I could quote quite a few verses by then. (Sans the references because I am terrible at remembering those!)

I had listened to HUNDREDS of sermons at church in my lifetime, done a TON of devotionals & gone to a TON of ladies Bible studies.

But I had never read the Bible through, cover to cover, in all its entirety.

The Guilt, the Failure, the Shame… the Unwillingness to Change

That’s a LONG time to avoid reading through the whole Bible, don’t you think?

Maybe you’re sitting there thinking, “I can for sure relate!”

Or, maybe you’re sitting there thinking, “Are you SERIOUS? How can you call yourself a committed follower of Jesus???”

I definitely had some guilt floating around in my head over this that sounded much like that… but I honestly believed that because I read the Bible at church, in devotions, at Bible Studies, or when I searched for God’s wisdom relevant to particular struggles I faced… that it was enough.

I Was Fooled

The other stuff in the Bible just seemed like a long, drawn-out history lesson & I will tell you right now that history was never my favorite subject in school (it seemed so tedious trying to remember a million names of people & places & battles & bills & dates, etc. etc. etc.).

I ALSO realized that my attention span was not up to snuff when it came to sitting down to read more than a chapter or so of the Bible at a time. How was I supposed to read when I would get a headache or a ton of stuff was on my mind or I was tired & groggy or a lot was going on when I sat down to read, etc.?

I thought I just wasn’t good at that & that it wasn’t my fault I couldn’t read it more.

The Book That Changed My World

But I read a book that changed my world: “Andrew Murray on Prayer,” a compilation of works written by the late Andrew Murray, translated into English.

(You can find the link to this book, as well as many other book titles & Bible Studies that God has used to personally & strongly influence my life on my website @ www.michellehydeonline.com/recommended-by-michelle/.)

I went into reading this book because I didn’t really understand some things about prayer, like how I am supposed to pray or what I can pray for or how I know God will answer me, etc. & this book has some great help with that, but what I didn’t expect, was learning how I could read my Bible on a regular basis.

Where God Commands, God Provides

You see, one of the things that Mr. Murray addressed was that we are not meant to obey God strictly through sheer willpower, but with the help of God.

He walked through many a verse that share commands from God, pointing out a common thread in many of them… the words: “by faith,” “through faith,” “by God,” & “through God.”

In other words, when God commands, He also lets us know we need His help to do it!

Mr. Murray goes on to say that so many Christians end up burnt out or fake it because they’re trying to be good Christian people in their own strength & know-how & willpower, versus asking God for His strength & know-how & POWER to empower them in their obedience.

I don’t know about you, but I consider myself infinitely WEAK when I consider how great God is, so hearing that I can rely on HIS versus my own was mind-blowing & life changing.

Unnatural & Impossible to Me… But God Isn’t Limited

Mr. Murray continues by demonstrating how, when we seek to live in obedience to God in anything that feels absolutely unnatural to us in any way, whether due to upbringing, personal weakness, etc., that instead of avoiding said obedience, or justifying it because “we just can’t do it,” we ought instead to PRAY & ask for God’s HELP.

So, I took that to heart, recognizing for once that if it is God’s will for me to do something & He holds absolute power that is infinite in nature… He WILL help me. I can count on that 100%.

Then my Bible reading attempt scenarios began to shift from failure to prayer: “God, I [have a headache, feel distracted, feel tired, don’t WANT to do it, etc.], but I know this honors You & pleases You, so I want to do it anyway. Please help me make it happen despite _________________________. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”

And I wouldn’t wait until I “felt better” before I began… I would trust God would fill in because I knew this request honored Him. So, I would just start reading.

God Doesn’t Always Answer the Same Way, But He Always Provides

Sometimes the obstacle didn’t go away, but I would somehow have a strange sense of concentration & focus regardless.

Sometimes God would whisk away said obstacle altogether & I would read with ease.

Sometimes God removed the obstacle while I read & yet it returned when I was finished.

But EVERY time, God enabled me to read & stay focused on what I was reading.

God Can Even Help with the WHEN

And before we become tempted to believe it’s only in the want-to or the ability to do it… He ALSO helped me when TIME was the issue.

For example: “God, I know I promised to read tonight, but this thing came up & now I don’t have time. What do I do? I want to honor You most. Should I cancel? What should I do?” And then this urgency would come over me as if saying, “Read NOW.” I would argue, “But I have to be downstairs ready to go so I don’t hold people up if I am to go….” Again, “Read NOW.”

So, I would get out my Bible, open it up & begin to read. And wow, as I closed my Bible upon finishing that night’s reading, my hubs came running down the stairs saying, “Sorry! I had to finish something real quick that I forgot! Now we can go!”

Did I know that delay would come up? Nope.

Did God? YES.

Praying & bowing that to Him, allowed Him opportunity to reveal the WHEN, too!

God Helps Grow the Desire to Obey Him, Too

God helps us to obey Him! WOW! It’s not up to my flimsy willpower or desires or even having to know if I’ll have the time!

And let me also say that an embarrassing amount of obstacles were just me not wanting to do it… & He helped me with that, too.

I’m not saying I all of a sudden had a change of heart sometimes, but rather that I would bow that selfishness & unwillingness to Him, too, ask for His help to obey anyway, & would just sit down & read through my bad attitude, determined I would honor God even on the days when I didn’t necessarily feel like doing it.

What Side Are You Watering?

You have probably heard the saying: “the grass is always greener on the other side,” but I have also heard, “the grass is always greener on the side you’re watering.” In other words, if I am romanticizing NOT reading because it seems so much easier, takes less focus, doesn’t impede on what I’d rather do, etc., then it will be going against my downstream ease to instead do it. It will take practiced determination.

I had to pray about 90% of days the first year I determined to read my Bible daily, it seemed like… but then, the next year? Maybe only 80%, then maybe 50%… & so on.

And now, I read every night without hardly any resistance. Maybe down to 5% now?

I have been watering the side of finding joy in what God instructs… of finding joy in obedience to Him through honoring Him. Of learning to lean on Him on the days when I “just don’t wanna.”

I Am Not Made for This… & Yet… GOD

You know, the same is true for running this blog every week. I’m not fit for this. Some days I just feel so numb & checked out. Some days I just want to throw on sweatpants, plop on the couch, & binge tv. Some days I feel stubborn & selfish & don’t want to encourage anyone.

How could God call me to this when I am the way I am?

Because He knows HE is capable when I fall short. He knows He is sufficient where I lack. He knows HIS strength can more than cover my weakness. He knows HE can overcome & help me through every bad attitude & use it for my good even in showing His faithfulness when I’m least deserving.

God calls me… God calls you… not because we’re deserving… but because He is our Enough in & through it all... come what may… even on our absolute worst days… even when it’s our fault completely.

So, how do I do it every week? When I am the way I am? I PRAY. I trust He will be my HOW even when I can’t seem to muster a bit of it on my own.

God Can Help Us Obey Him

Where is this a struggle for you?

What have you convinced yourself that it’s not your fault that you’re just not good at something God calls you to do? Of what honors & pleases Him?

What side are you watering?

Do you struggle believing that the God who made you & this whole world can handle helping you through your insurmountable unwilling heart or obstacles that seem to tower too far above you?

God tells us to desire His Word (the Bible) as a newborn babe desires milk. (1 Peter 2:2) Do you have that same craving for His Word in your life? Do you need His help to grow this desire? Because, if it honors & pleases Him, you can be absolutely positive that He will be right there willing to help you do it.

Shine HOPE by turning your unwillingness, bad habits, lack of good habits, disobedience, obstacles, unwatered grass areas of your life… to the God Who is infinitely, absolutely, & completely ABLE.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over 5.5 years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Patina Earrings (INDIA)

Make a fair-trade fashion statement with the Patina Earrings! These gorgeous earrings feature a gold-tone hammered stud with a patina circle. These unique artisanal earrings are handcrafted in a workshop in India that’s committed to fighting child marriage and helping women become financially independent as fair-trade Artisans. Every purchase empowers these women out of poverty!

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Our Next Adventure Together

Coming through the darkness I walked through during my time on Guam (Chapter 17), my husband & I were led (through praying for God’s direction) to Hokkaido, Japan as the next step in our married journey.

I was full of hope in this new adventure, but also full of nerves in facing the unexpected & unknown. This was not a location near any American military bases. This was a place where very little English was spoken.

When we were new to Japan, we would watch a video blog of this guy who had also moved to Japan from abroad & one thing he said really proved to be true: “Culture shock comes in waves.”

You think it’s going to be the initial shock of adjustment, but the amount of adjusting has unforeseen layers upon layers that become unearthed over time as new scenarios present themselves in your day-to-day life.

Beautiful Adventure, Great Friends, But Oh So Isolated

I thought I knew hard after my time on Guam in 2012-2015 because the loneliness I experienced those 3 years was unlike anything I had ever known, but I really had no idea what hard was until we moved to Japan, where I really was mostly isolated a majority of my time there, even in small things like making small talk or being friendly with a cashier… they didn’t understand me & I didn’t understand them.

This is not to say that our time there wasn’t a wonderful adventure, full of so many happy memories & discovering newness so often around us every day… not to mention the friendships we did eventually make.

It was exciting & thrilling. There was always something new to discover or try. It was an adventure of a lifetime that very few people get to ever experience not having any support from a base to hold onto in the hard moments. We were mostly on our own.

Our Church Family

We were very blessed to eventually meet an Australian couple who had come to Japan as missionaries & who run a Japanese church where we could attend, but even there, very few spoke any English & the few that did were more comfortable in their Japanese for the most part. The English speakers lived pretty far from us & were very busy people, so we didn’t see them very often outside of church.

We loved our church. They were such warm & welcoming people who helped us whenever they were able. Some took me under their wing sometimes for an occasional day trip. One wonderful friend helped teach us some Japanese as our tutor. And still others would help us in buying major appliances with the paperwork, etc. We were very fortunate despite our language barriers.

It’s so strange how a body of believers in Jesus can feel like family, even on the other side of the world, made up of a few Americans, a few Australians, & mostly Japanese. Different cultures. Different countries. Same Jesus. Same family under Jesus. So beautiful.

Consistently Hard, But Not Bad

As for my day-to-day life, I was mostly on my own, in a foreign country, with very little support.

I didn’t hate living there at all, because I loved the adventure of it… but something unexpected began to happen… I didn’t understand how the constant newness & figuring out of things in a foreign language was taking its toll on my brain.

My brain was like a computer always having to try too hard & consistently getting overheated.

My Brain Could Never Make Sense of Anything

Everywhere I went, voices around me spoke unrecognizable words… signs were unreadable… directions on packages couldn’t be understood without help of pictures or translation apps… not being able to read the buttons on my own home washer/dryer even… not able to easily go up to someone to ask for help or ask a question or ask directions….

My brain was constantly trying to process information it couldn’t ever process.

A constant, “Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute….” On repeat. All day. Every day. It was quite literally mentally exhausting.

The Darkness Grew Darker

I didn’t realize the strain a brain could experience in a foreign country. The voices & language around me were foreign. The words on every label, sign, set of directions, etc. were foreign. Even certain customs & ways of doing things were foreign.

Talk about quadrupling the isolation I had been experiencing on Guam…. My brain was TIRED beyond all measures of tired I had ever known possible.

And my brain started to change noticeably. The stress it was constantly under was breaking me down over time.

The Rage Monster That Was Trapped Inside of Me Scared Me

I felt constantly beyond capacity, so any inconvenience would cause me to almost have a minor mental &/or emotional breakdown.

There were random times where I would drop something at home like a cup of water & I would just drop to the floor & cry.

Other times I felt rage hit me like I have never before experienced. Drop a pencil I was using? Clenched jaw & fists as I take a deep breath through gritted teeth & pick it up. Drop it again? It gets immediately chucked at a wall. I was crumbling internally & it terrified me.

I used to say it felt like I had a rage monster trapped inside of me that I couldn’t make go away.

I tried so hard to be so accommodating to all the newness & to all the differences all the time, but I was breaking down & becoming someone I didn’t even recognize anymore. And it scared me. I needed HELP.

“Please, God… Make the Hard Stop.”

I knew I needed God’s help, but my prayers were mostly focused on “MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE!!!” And when it didn’t stop… when the hard kept going… I felt a little more despair settle in each time.

I felt a little more distrust in God settle in… which made me feel guilty… which made me slowly taper off in my prayers because I didn’t want God to “ignore me” one more time & cause me to become bitter & angry with Him… so I stopped talking to Him about it at all.

Which REALLY left me on my own to face it all. Wrong choice.

My Sneaky Pride

But God is so wonderful & faithful, that He used even my failure & rudeness toward Him to help ME.

You see, with my gifting from God, having had my spiritual gifting from childhood because I surrendered my sin to Jesus paying my debt & trusted in Him at 5 years old, I had sort of taken for granted my gifting, as if I somehow DESERVED it, because I have been a Christian for so long, of COURSE I had this gifting… as if MY faithfulness MERITED my GIFTing…. Wow.

Now, deep down, I knew absolutely that this was completely ridiculous & that OF COURSE it was FROM GOD, NOT me…. But sometimes I was really foolish in thinking maybe I also had a little something to do with it because of MY faithfulness to God over so many years.

It was something I had been praying over most of my growing up because I knew I was wrong to be thinking that, but yet still found myself feeling a little too proud of myself versus giving God the credit in my own heart.

God Was Using This Darkness for My Good

And here I was, for sure earning NOTHING because I was a complete brat, had stopped praying almost altogether, no longer depending on God through my breakdown issues, etc…. & YET, God CONTINUED to work through my gifting.

As if to say, “Yeah, this is from ME… NOT you. This is how I choose to work THROUGH you. It’s not about you. It’s about Me.”

What a humbling lesson to learn.

Me, a worm. Worthless. Sniveling. Given up trying to please God with my heart through the hard… worshiping EASE over HIM…. AND YET, He STILL chose to work through my gifting.

Because it’s not about me or me being great or faithful “enough” or any such nonsense.

It’s about it all being of Him, from Him, through Him, & FOR Him.

NOT me. HIM.

God Can Work DESPITE Me… Thank GOD!

Now, can He work more effectively with my surrender to His will & way? Of course.

But can He choose to work through me even when I am a complete & utter screw up? Absolutely.

It’s about His work, not mine.

I can have NOTHING to offer Him, & really, I don’t because He already has EVERYTHING… & He can still work through me.

How humbling that is.

What an honor that is.

He used my quitter attitude to show it wasn’t me holding me up at all along the road of life… it was Him all along.

It was all Him.

PRAISE GOD.

Can You Relate?

Is there an area you have refused to pray about anymore because you don’t feel like God is listening or that God cares? (He is & He does.)

Are you having a bad attitude about any area of your life because you feel like the hard just won’t stop no matter HOW MUCH you pray?

Have you given up?

Where could God be trying to teach you that it’s not about you being great enough to “deserve” Him, but that even when you obviously don’t, He will forever remain faithful to you regardless?

Where can you give God the praise He deserves despite the struggle with which you wrestle? Where in your struggle can you bring Him honor? How can you make sure He gets the glory instead of you?

Practice praying to see His “enoughness” in your struggle more than praying for your struggle to end. Allow God to show you He is enough for you come what may.

Shine HOPE by turning to Him & relying on Him in the hard, by living to give Him the glory & the honor & the praise in all you do. Amen.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty:

Heart Drop Earrings (INDIA)

These beautiful double heart drop earrings are handmade in India by women earning fair wages for their work. These earrings feature a gold-tone heart stud with a dangle heart pendant, to create a sophisticated fair-trade fashion statement.

*****Every purchase creates safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Confirmation Didn’t Erase My Fears

So, now I was official with this guy & I was totally panicky, too.

Sure, I knew God had confirmed it one way or the other, as I had asked of Him, but that didn’t take my fear of commitment away.

I was looking over my shoulder at every turn, so to speak… constantly wondering if maybe it was meant to be temporary & trying not to get too attached or lead him on or anything that could lead to any hurt whatsoever.

… Keep in mind that the one time previously I had ever fallen in love… once I was ready to consider marriage, God gave me a big “NO” I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand it because I hadn’t felt such a clear NO in my heart until AFTER I had fallen for the guy… so NOW, I did NOT want to allow that to happen again.

I was scared.

How am I Supposed to Know?

I also had words of others’ fears & heartaches floating around mercilessly in my brain: “Don’t get married unless you know that you know that you know that you KNOW!”

How was I ever supposed to KNOW? I can’t predict the future! Nor can I read minds!

This was just the worst. In a relationship… but too scared to enjoy said relationship because I was too scared to ever let my guard down & feel anything.

But, to be clear, I was pretty straightforward in my honesty during our dating relationship. I didn’t hide any of this from him, but prayed about it & spoke about it honestly.

This had to be God-led or I was out.

By MUCH Prayer…

So, instead of breaking up with him to protect either of us from hurt, I leaned on God & trusted for Him to guide me along the way through MUCH prayer.

I took it all to Him. I prayed, asking for confirmation throughout our relationship, just to make sure I was following His lead over my heart or my fears.

And God was so faithful to me every step of the way in my seeking His wisdom & reassurance.

There would be times I would pray about a very specific character trait I had learned I needed in a future spouse… things God had taught me. So, knowing He had taught me I needed them, I would ask Him to show me whether Jamie held these character traits, or at least the potential for them later down the road.

And every time, after praying silently & not sharing those requests with a single soul, Jamie would STILL somehow bring it up the very next time I spoke with him, as if he had read my mind or as if God had put him on a three-way call when I prayed.

God was faithful. He kept reassuring me. He kept leading me.

No Touchy

And one way God helped me know what was His lead versus my romantic daydreamy self leading, was by impressing upon my heart to give up any & all physical affection, to include even an arm around the shoulder or holding hands.

Maybe this seems a bit much to you… too much to ask… too extreme or unnecessary… but I knew that it was what I needed. I was too prone to slap those rosy glasses on the second a guy I liked put his arm around me or wanted to hold my hand, etc. IE. “*SWOON* We’re going to get married & have 3 babies &…. etc.” (You get the picture. It was pathetic but true.)

I didn’t want my very overly romanticizing heart to yank the reins from God’s hands & take over the second my heart swooned. It had to be for sure God-led or I was OUT.

I wanted God to have full control over the direction of our relationship & I didn’t want to ever risk clouding that discernment with romantic ideals & daydreams based on imaginings versus reality… feelings versus facts.

The Key? God Would Continue to be There to Help No Matter What

I never thought I could ever be sure about a guy. There were too many unknowns to account for… that I could never be able to account for because life is unpredictable…. How would I ever know?

But driving back from when my now husband eventually proposed, 7.5 months after our first date, I felt surer than I had ever felt about anything… because, as Jamie put it, “even though marriage holds a lot of unknowns & we can’t predict the future… he would be right alongside me through it all & God would be there to guide us no matter what came our way.”

No marriage will ever be perfect. God wasn’t wanting me to wait for a non-existent Mr. Perfect.

What He did want is for me to trust Him to know better than me on who would be a good fit for me. Not just with who I am, but who He will grow me to be… what our future held…. Not that the future would then be perfect, but that God would be right there with us in the imperfect.

Letting God Lead in My Dating Life

That really summed it up for me. Knowing God had consistently given me confirmation when I had asked for it…. Knowing God had given us both peace that wasn’t led by emotions first…. Knowing God would still be with us to help us through every hard season we would ever face.

God had us… & that is how we knew we could be confident despite the unknowns our future together held.

I had always rushed in head-first to every relationship in my past, so ready & desperate to feel loved & wanted… but the fears that consumed me had always caused me to run right back out of them even quicker than they had started the second the “L” word was even HINTED at.

But this time, I didn’t run in… I waited on God’s lead.

And I didn’t run back out… I trusted in God’s lead.

And even almost 12 years into it, I am not running out of it, because I know that no matter what we may face, God will be that same lead & same help through it every step of the way.

Who Are You Trusting to Lead You?

Does a fear of the unknown cripple you? Do you worry about making big decisions because you don’t know what the lasting consequences will be? Do you stay where it feels safe? Do you try to protect yourself the way that you know how?

Do you rush in, sure of your own abilities or assessments? Are you reckless with love or decisions in your life thinking it’s up to you to make the call?

Pray about it. Ask the God who KNOWS & doesn’t have to guess. Trust He cares enough about you to do as He promises & will provide wisdom as well as guidance in life.

What God Says About It

“Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5)

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)

He even tells us, straight up, not to trust or rely on our own understanding, but on His, through prayer.

Let God Lead… Trust He WILL Lead

Trusting ourselves can look like plowing ahead without consulting Him, but it can also look like staying where you feel safe & not trusting Him to be able to adequately lead you to your liking.

I’ve done both. I DO both sometimes even still.

But each time I am reminded that I really can trust Him… & I need to trust Him.

Shine HOPE by trusting Him when you just don’t know… & even when you think you’re absolutely, positively certain.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Heart Drop Earrings (INDIA)

These beautiful double heart drop earrings are handmade in India by women earning fair wages for their work. These earrings feature a gold-tone heart stud with a dangle heart pendant, to create a sophisticated fair-trade fashion statement.

*****Every purchase creates safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Setting the Stage

I have told this story more times than I can count. It’s a story of a scared girl meeting a sweet boy & how they both allowed God to lead every step along the way… eventually.

After I graduated college, now being 26 years old (I started college late), I went through that first summer after graduating, as I mentioned in the last chapter (Chapter 13), & when my debt was finally paid in full, I finally got a call about a job that I felt some measure of peace about.

But this was not the job I wanted. I wanted to work with a big church that had a thriving outreach ministry & I wanted to essentially be an apprentice to someone who led said outreach ministry so that I could learn from them.

Not the Type of Job I Wanted… But the Job God Chose

This particular job, though, was for a small church, 40+ minutes away (more, depending on traffic) & they didn’t even have an outreach ministry.

This job was also recommended to me by a longtime friend who worked there, but it was mentioned that the job was not yet available & that they didn’t know quite when it would be available.

Well, as I do with all decisions like this… I prayed & asked God for wisdom. I mostly wanted confirmation to hold out for what I wanted… thinking maybe that was another reason God had said “no” to every other job potential.

But, I asked God: “God, even though this isn’t what I want… I really want what You want… so, if this is of You, please confirm it to me & I will move forward with it, even if I don’t particularly want to. If this is of You, help the job to surprisingly become available by next week & let me get a call updating me as such.”

My friend called that very next week. The job was available sooner than expected.

God Always Has a Plan… Even When I Can’t See It

I cried from disappointment when we hung up from that call. I had felt that God had not only held out on allowing me to move forward with any job opportunities for the sake of teaching me to trust His provision… but also because I believed He was holding out for me to find my dream job.

This was not my dream job.

Later on, I updated my mom & told her how this isn’t what I pictured & how I felt like God was confirming it but I wanted something different. But my mom reminded me that if I knew God was leading it, it’s what I needed to take.

I Loved the Job I Hadn’t Wanted

The interview itself filled me with so much reassuring peace as well… I knew it was God’s nudging confirmation to my hesitant heart.

So, after the job was eventually offered… I accepted… not having any idea of what God had in store for me in this very small church 40+ minutes away with no outreach ministry from which to learn.

Training went well. I loved the staff. I felt like I fit in & was part of the team right away. The attendees/members were so warm, welcoming, & friendly. I liked my job.

There He Was… The Warm Welcome… & the Panic That Followed

And on my first Sunday, after being introduced as the new staff member of the church, so many lovely people came to welcome me & thank me for filling in this position at their church. It was warm & wonderful.

The church was a pretty large majority of senior citizens back then, but there was one young man who came straight up to me after the service, extended his hand in greeting, & welcomed me with open kindness.

His name was Jamie.

But, after my last run-in with love, I was not interested in 1 girl + 1 boy = new relationship, so, I pretty noticeably & uncomfortably avoided him immediately following that first initial handshake & greeting, staying on the other side of the room as him as much as possible when we were both in attendance for anything at the church. I would give a polite, but not inviting, smile if we ever accidentally made eye contact, but that was it.

I Slipped Up with a Confident Stride

Then, one day, a little over a month after I had started working there & attending that church, we had a staff meeting scheduled after that morning’s fellowship brunch… so, as everything was cleaned up & some were just lingering to chat, I decided to go to my office for some card games on my computer to pass the time before we could begin.

And, as I strode confidently into my office, (also the front office of the church)… there… sat… Jamie… in my office.

My stride was confident & intentional, & although I stopped in my tracks upon seeing him there, a quick mental calculation confirmed it was far too late to turn back now without proving my avoidance to be certainly intentional.

AKA without being rude.

And as staff… I didn’t want to be rude. I had slipped up.

Trying to Save Face… & Failing

So, I regathered myself quickly & decided to play it cool, headed straight for my desk, logged in, turned on a game (with my screen turned away from his chair), & proceeded to act very, very, VERY busy… much… FAR too busy to interact with ANYONE.

But that was no deterrent for this friendly young man. No. He started up small talk right away, while also explaining that he was awaiting a ride.

I politely replied & doubled down on my “I am so serious & so busy right now, you can’t even IMAGINE” face.

It did nothing to faze him. Soon he was SCOOTING his chair ACROSS THE ROOM up to my desk so that we could better chat while he waited.

I was inwardly clenching my jaw & (inwardly) making the face as if to say, “come oooon.” (You know, that face you make when you widen your eyes & look up at nothing in particular while sticking your chin out, clenching your jaw, & tightening your fists with exasperation? That face.)

But, outwardly I just smiled politely through gritted teeth. My plan was failing.

Admittedly, It Wasn’t a Bad Conversation… It Was Actually Quite Nice a Conversation

But soon he made me laugh & I couldn’t help but smile (unwillingly) for real.

He was nice… polite… kind-hearted. He was nice to talk to & genuinely friendly. He wasn’t trying to impress me or flirt with me. He was just being good company while we both waited in my office for different reasons.

But I didn’t want to be his friend. I didn’t want to risk making him think I was interested in anything beyond friendship. I didn’t want to hurt him.

But I did allow myself to slip into friendly conversation. I did. He was just so easy to enjoy talking to.

Haunted by Regrets of My Past

And later that night, I kicked myself hard as I received a social media friend request from him. This was exactly what I had been trying to avoid with all of my avoiding him.

I didn’t want him to enjoy my company. I didn’t want to be tempted to soak up all the attention & grow feelings for him only to hurt him later like I had done before with guy friends from my past. I didn’t want to break his heart. I didn’t trust myself enough not to.

My pattern was so predictable. I was so desperate to feel worthy of love & attention, coupled with being an absolute romantic… one smile made me dream of a wedding to come.

But jumping headfirst into a relationship before consulting God always ended up with me realizing I had acted selfishly & had to make things right & let them go… only, with the first time I fell for a guy for real… I wouldn’t let go… & I hurt him bigtime in the process, which I never meant to do. I didn’t want to do that ever again & I didn’t trust myself not to do it again.

But I didn’t want to be unkind either, so I accepted his friend request. Little did I know where that little friend request would lead me….

Letting My Fears Trump My Trust in God

Obviously, at this point in the story, I am not really trusting God with my love story. Well… in a way, I am… in the sense that I am not chasing after every bit of attention to see if maybe, just maybe, there could be a love story there to be had….

But I was also self-protecting, acting out of fear versus trust in God. I was so worried about hurting another guy in the way I had done in the past that I wasn’t even willing to be friendly. I was basically trusting my own methods versus trusting God to guide me.

And don’t worry, it gets worse before it gets better. But God knew what He was doing & God was patient with my fears. He was kind & gentle the whole way.

How About You?

Have you been hurt in the past? Have you built up your walls? Have you figured out a plan to protect yourself or others from getting hurt?

Are you trusting more yourself or God to protect your heart?

If you feel that clenched-fist feeling, then please… unclench your fists. Take a deep breath. And ask God to help you trust in Him each day rather than your own methods/walls of protection.

Ask Him to help you follow HIS lead versus furiously trying to keep up with your own rules. Let Him lead.

Shine HOPE by trusting your unknown future & your known past hurts to a God that can perfectly handle both.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Island Twilight Hoops (HAITI)

Make a fair-trade fashion statement with these totally unique, ethically made hoops from Haiti! These beaded Island Twilight Hoops feature black, cream, and gold seed beads to create a gorgeous hoop earring handmade by women in Haiti able to earn a dignified income.

*****Every purchase of these stunning earrings helps provide these Artisans with safe jobs, fair wages, educational resources, and counseling.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Have You Ever Felt Like You’re Never Enough?

I grew up with a heavy emphasis on the Thou Shalt Nots of the Bible. I don’t know if that’s something my church emphasized as I was growing up or whether it was just something my brain latched onto, but I always felt like I could never measure up to God’s standards.

I didn’t really understand that that is sort of the whole point. When I accepted Jesus, who paid my debt to God as a result, Jesus paid for me because I couldn’t. He offers that to anyone who will believe on Him as their hope & reconciliation to God because no one can live up to God’s standards. In fact, the 10 Commandments themselves are in place to show us our NEED of Him.

But I always tried to be good enough to earn the gift freely offered me. My whole life was a constant struggle of feeling like I was never good enough.

Hands on the Hips & Disapproving Raised Eyebrows

I felt like God was up in the sky, hands on hips, shaking His head at me pretty constantly, as if to say to me, “Nope, you’re still not good enough.”

Now, a part of me knew & understood that this was the whole point of why I need Jesus.

But still, I felt like God expected me to be perfect in exchange for offering me Jesus & I constantly felt like beating myself up because no matter how hard I tried, I always seemed to fall short of that.

It’s one thing to know in your head that it’s all, only Jesus that could save me & another to understand that He paid it ALL, even my constant inadequacies.

This doesn’t mean I should just mock Him by living however I darn well please. But it does mean I am a work in progress & will fail & miss the mark sometimes & that my salvation does not at all rest on my perfection, but on HIS.

Imprisoned by the Need for Perfection

I even got to the point where I craved getting drunk because I was just so tired of caring 24/7 about every little everything. I was trying to juggle my own goodness & never able to do it well enough & was constantly beating myself up for it.

I felt imprisoned by a perfection I could never quite live up to.

Fast forward to my time in college & for the first time, I started to see all around me examples of Christians living in freedom—seeking to live for God, but knowing they needed to be relying on God for this & not putting all the pressure on themselves to achieve what they could not.

But even with that influence, I was always tempted to ADD TO God’s grace… as if a “just in case” measure of extra grace would be required of me to secure God’s grace to me because I knew I didn’t deserve His grace, but I wanted to be worthy of it.

A Time Where I Couldn’t Feel God Near

Fast forward again to a year out of college & after 3 years of influence & encouragement in my faith at Liberty University, being on student leadership & just feeling God’s presence & leading like I had never known before (because all my focus was on Him for once), I hit a dry period in my faith.

If you’re a Christian, has this ever happened to you? Where, no matter how hard or how often you pray, you just cannot feel His presence or His leading in anything? As if you are praying to an empty void?

Well, coming from a time period where my life was immersed in feeling His presence & lead in my life, this was jolting.

My first inclination? “I must not be doing enough.”

I Thought I Had to DO MORE to Feel God in My Life

I thought that maybe because I was dedicated “enough” at Liberty, that maybe I wasn’t doing enough now & God was not listening to me because I wasn’t doing enough anymore.

This began my many attempts to rectify that.

I read my Bible more. (Check!)

I tried to pray more. (Check!)

I went to an extra church service a week. (Check!)

I tried to listen to & sing along with worship music more often & more emphatically/whole-heartedly. (Check!)

I tried to serve more. (Check!)

I thought I was doing well to earn God’s favor tenfold, but still… silence.

God Had Never Left

This didn’t make sense. I was trying to be the best, most dedicated Christian I could be, & yet it STILL didn’t seem like enough to get God to pay attention to me or come near to me.

Nothing I did was good enough.

STILL.

Well, this went on for some months & I was growing more & more exhausted & disheartened, as if God had just left me & had no intention of ever coming back because I just wasn’t enough to be good enough for Him.

And one night, frustrated, sitting cross-legged on my bedroom floor, I prayed & asked Him why I was never enough… why He would leave me….

The answer surprised me.

I Was Building a Bridge God Had Already Built

In my mind popped up the image of me building a bridge to God, but every time I got discouraged or slipped up the least bit, Satan would take that & knock down my bridge, as if all of my efforts had been completely pointless. But I kept trying again. I kept building. And it kept getting knocked down, tossing me back always to where I had started. I was tired & frustrated & wearing down.

But then, clear as day, God reminded me that He promises to never leave me nor forsake me… that I never had to earn anything… that I could not earn anything from Him. That Jesus paid it all. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

I didn’t have to build. Jesus built.

It was already done & it had nothing to do with anything I could ever add to it.

That I needed to merely rest on the FACT that whether I “felt” Him or not, He WAS THERE & I could 100% count on that no matter how I FELT. My problem was not whether or not He was there or whether or not I did enough to merit Him being there… but that I doubted His Word… of what WAS, whether I felt it or not.

God’s Grace Is Enough, I Don’t Have to Supplement

What a huge leap that was for me in understanding that God’s grace was ENOUGH. I don’t have to supplement.

Living for Him is not about measuring up or earning anything He has offered… it’s about living to please Him just because you know it pleases Him… to honor Him simply because you know it honors Him. Because you love Him, not because He needs you to, but because you want to.

I don’t have to earn what God offers freely to all who believe on Him. (John 3:16-17) If I don’t feel God, it’s that I need to trust He is there regardless of how I feel, not because I need to do more to earn His favor, because nothing I could ever do would ever be enough… that’s why… JESUS.

Shine HOPE by trusting God at His Word, even if you don’t “feel” Him… & by trusting that God, through Jesus, is ENOUGH… you don’t have to supplement.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Dewdrop Chain Studs (INDIA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! A dainty crystal stud with a drop chain is used to create each on-trend Dewdrop Chain Stud from India. These earrings feature a gold-tone base and chain adding a fun, edgy touch to your look.

*****Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

The Little Nudge That Wouldn’t Budge

About 4 years after I graduated high school, having completed 1+ years in community college, working at a job I enjoyed, promises of a promotion in the near future… God disrupted all my plans with a little nudge I couldn’t seem to shake away… a nudge to “go to Liberty University & get a Business Marketing degree.”

I didn’t understand where that had come from & I don’t know how to explain it other than the fact that I had this very strong inclination that I was supposed to “go to Liberty University & get a Business Marketing degree.”

But I was getting promoted… without any degree.

I was succeeding… without any degree.

So… I wasn’t so convinced that this wasn’t just a subconscious thing because I had always wanted to go to a university & live in dorms & all that.

So… as anything else I’m unsure of, I prayed & asked God for confirmation. Yet this time, I decided not to tell a soul about it for 3 months, as I sought God’s confirmation first.

I Wanted to be Sure Who Was Leading My Heart

I didn’t want to be influenced by, “Oh yes, you definitely should!” or “but how much money will that cost?” comments or perspectives. I only wanted God’s opinion.

Because I knew that if God indeed was leading this I wanted to KNOW it was Him rather than confuse it with hype from friends or family… if it was indeed God leading this, I knew He would somehow provide the funds & way forward despite any odds.

Well, the peace became more & more cemented the longer I prayed about it… as if it was becoming more of a certainty than a question or a doubt.

So, after 3 months of feeling absolutely sure I had full peace about it, I told my parents & God paved the way forward for me to finally see my dream come true of living in a dorm & having the “college experience.”

I started at Liberty University in the Fall of 2007 as an almost 24-year old sophomore.

So Many Blessings from My College Days

I can’t go into every blessing those years at Liberty brought me, including my many wonderful friends that felt like family–as the happy memories themselves would fill a book’s pages, so I will try to hone in on some profound moments, pivotal moments that shifted my perspective, as led by God’s leading.

I have already mentioned the breeze He brought on a particularly discouraging & frazzled morning, while standing at the bus stop—late for class. (Chapter 4)

I have already mentioned in blog posts past about a question my one particular friend used to frequently ask, which made me SO uncomfortable (because I felt put on the spot), but when asked so regularly, became the catalyst for me always having that mindset in my day-to-day: “What has God been teaching you lately?” (So blessed by that frequently asked question from my friend!)

The Inconvenient God-Orchestrated Blessings

I have probably ALSO talked about in blog posts past how, when I was on student leadership my senior year, God taught me to always rely on Him more than on my own schedule/responsibilities/routines.

For example: Big test, Big paper, Big presentation happening the next morning/afternoon… not enough time to prep alongside all of my other responsibilities as a senior… but one of several different girls on my hall would knock on my dorm door & upon opening, I would see tears in their eyes as they asked to talk.

Now, human me went into a full inner panic every single time because my options seemed to be: A) Sound like a jerk & say, “sorry, I don’t have time for you,” or, B) Risk FAILING.

But, in the middle of my selfish, short-sighted panic… I would stop & pray & ask God for wisdom on what I ought to choose & how to choose it.

And every time, the nudge was always the same: “What do you think matters most to Me? Your grade… or this young lady’s heart who is standing in front of you with tears in her eyes?”

*Deep (inaudible) sigh* was always my response, along with a silent, “Okay God, I hear You. I will just have to trust You to take care of the rest because I want to choose what honors You most here.”

I would put my studying, editing, or rehearsing/memorizing aside & welcome the young lady in for a chat, some counsel, some prayer, & a hug. And whenever this happened, I always had complete peace that this was what God had planned for me that evening all along & I was always glad I obeyed, despite my trepidations.

God Took Care of the Rest

And guess what… Every. Single. Time. God would come through on the other end.

Either I would have an unexpected quiet lunch & would now have unplanned extra time to adequately prepare, or the professor was out & rescheduled, or I was later on the schedule for presentations & would have another couple days to prepare, or the test would be easier than I ever anticipated & the extra studying would have been wasted unbeknownst to me!

God has a plan beyond what I can see, every single time.

The Infamous Test

Then there came the test. THE test. The test that counted for a ridiculously terrifyingly large amount of my semester grade for my capstone course.

Tests come easily to me typically. I am good at memorizing short term. I am good at focusing in when needed. Tests are usually a fun opportunity for praise & affirmation that I understand the material well enough. (If you are not a great test taker, please don’t hate me. Trust me, there are plenty of other things I am AWFUL at.)

But this test. THIS test scared me… mainly because my professor scared me a bit. That class frequently kept me on my toes, for sure..

The class was more complex & this teacher had a reputation for not playing around. His assignments were always challenging & thought-provoking, stretching your abilities & always leaving you feeling like you always should have prepared just a little bit more than you did.

I Studied Harder Than I EVER Had Before

So, I took this test VERY seriously. I studied SO HARD. Like, look up & take practice tests, go through every highlighted section of every chapter, study through every page of your notes, look more up on the topic to solidify your understanding… type of studying.

This was beyond normal for me. I always took my good-test-taking ability for granted. I would study, but more as a review than a panic. But this test was the monster of tests, in a challenging class, with a tough professor, that counted for a HUGE part of my grade… so I STUDIED.

The day of posted grades came.

I signed in so fast, heart racing, eager to be relieved that once again, I had nothing to worry about.

And as I scrolled to view the grade, anticipation mounting significantly… my eyes landed on the grade & my jaw dropped & the world seemed to stop to a dead halt.

47%.

The Shock

47%?

47%!!!!!!?

I felt like the room began to spin. I sat down on the floor, having the dorm room to myself, stared at nothing, & just began to cry into my hands, embarrassment & shame & devastation settling onto my shoulders like a weight I could not bear.

How?! Why?! What did I do wrong?!

My parents knew how hard I had prepared… how was I supposed to “excitedly call to announce another win after such diligent preparation” when I had gotten a 47%?!?!?

I was SO upset. I felt so embarrassed to have worked harder than I had EVER worked for a test in my entire life, only to be rewarded with SUCH a terrible grade.

How humiliating!

What God Had to Say

And so, I prayed: “God, WHAT HAPPENED!? You saw how HARD I worked for this! I did not take it for granted that I’m good at tests! I studied! HARD! What happened? What am I supposed to tell my parents? What am I supposed to tell my classmates? My friends who knew how hard I had worked on this? I am so embarrassed & humiliated. What happened???”

And after several minutes of this blubbering, despairing, embarrassed sob-praying… I felt His answer come over my heart with both convicting truth & comforting gentleness: “Who are you doing this for? For your parents? For your sense of pride & accomplishment? Or for Me?”

Boy did that hit me hard in the gut. The first 2 for sure… but for Him? Nope. Not really.

I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I wanted them to want to gush about me, or at least know they had reason to. I wanted to prove to them that I could do it & that I could be successful out on my own without their help padding anything. I wanted to prove myself.

I wanted to feel proud of myself. I wanted the praise & recognition & accolades. I wanted the good reputation of being a great student. I wanted to swell with confidence in myself & my own abilities & accomplishments.

But nowhere in my heart, aside from the very fact of me being there as God had led me, did I consider working as unto Him & not for myself or others.

God Has a Plan Beyond What I Can See

And right then, realization started to flood my thoughts:

1. For all I knew, God had brought me here to find my future husband & this was just how He got me here.
2. For all I knew, God had brought me here because there was a life lesson I needed to learn through someone here & this was just how He got me where I needed to be.
3. For all I knew, God had brought me here because He knew someone here needed Him & I was His messenger right for the task.
4. For all I knew, God bringing me to Liberty University for a Business Marketing degree had nothing to do with the course itself, but the lessons about life it would teach me, that He knew I would need for another life assignment later in life.
5. For all I knew, me being here at Liberty, by God’s design, had nothing to do with the classwork, but the people I would meet along the way.

And for me to assume anything differently is to say I think I know well enough on my own & to say that God is so limited by what I see right in front of me, in my own human understanding. Ouch.

I needed to understand that God has a plan beyond what I can see right in front of me.

Work As Unto the Lord, Not Man (Not Self)

How humbling a thought.

God knows why He has me here right now–with these particular people in these particular circumstances.

I see my marriage, my job, my simple interactions & think to myself “that is that.”

But God has a plan beyond what I can see.

That is why I must determine to work as unto the Lord & not man.

That is why I must fear the Lord my God AS GOD, recognizing I am far from it!

That is why I must trust His nudgings more than my own logic, perception, or circumstances.

Because God sees beyond what I see. He sees every ripple effect. He hears every silent plea that I don’t hear. He knows all & how it all fits together.

I don’t.

What Is Your Why?

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men….” (Colossians 3:23)

“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31)

What’s your motivation? Who are you relying on? Do you trust God more… or yourself?

Who are you striving for?

This may sound intimidating, until you think about our last chapter here (Chapter 10). It’s not dependent on us being good enough, but on a heart willing to let God be God & let God lead & let God supply. He does the rest. Are you willing? Start there.

Shine Hope by trusting His lead always, understanding that you ought to work as unto the LORD & not man, knowing God always has a plan beyond what you can ever see.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Cranberry Spice Candle (USA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! Handcrafted in Wisconsin, USA, these candles connect women survivors of sexual exploitation to safe housing, meaningful work and a healing network of support. The Cranberry Spice Candle comes in an adorable, shallow gold-tone candle tin and has a festive, comforting scent that is perfect to gift to a loved one this holiday season!

*****Every purchase of the Cranberry Spice Candle creates jobs for women in the United States.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

They Just Seem “Better Equipped” Than ME

I don’t know about you, but growing up, I would look at my Christian leaders—Sunday school teachers, Youth Pastor, deacons, authors, speakers, & the pastor himself, & think they held those positions because they were a cut above the rest… that they were “extra spiritual people.” Am I alone in this?

Now, keep in mind that back then I only read snippets of the Bible whether looking up in my concordance for relevant truth to whatever I was currently dealing with, memorizing specific verses at church, going through a topical Bible study, or even sermons on Sunday mornings (& other services throughout the week). AKA I didn’t have the full context of Who God is.

So, even though, as you read through the Bible, it is blatantly obvious that the people written about in the Bible were FAR from the perfect examples to emulate & FAR from even being courageous, super spiritual people… it didn’t quite click.

I wanted to serve God, sure, but I thought that was reserved for people much more spiritual than me.

God Can Work through Anyone

Well, as I shared over the last 2 chapters, with purging things like music that I was turning to instead of to God in times of trouble (validation versus trusting God could be enough for me) (Chapter 8) & how I was retaliated against by a demon because Satan DID NOT like that I was putting full faith in God versus anything BUT (Chapter 9)…. As I continued my journey through the book my friend & I were reading through together—“Authentic Beauty, by Leslie Ludy”— at the time that spurned all of that… God taught me something pretty crazy important.

He taught me that God can work through anyone.

The Heroes of the Bible Were Just as Flawed as Me

It becomes a little more “DUH” to me now that I have been reading through the Bible pretty consistently (more on how that came to be in another chapter because at this point in my life—early 20’s, I hadn’t gotten there in my growth yet).

I mean, how can it not be so incredibly obvious when you look at unwilling Moses with his “please send someone else” speech troubles & fear (Exodus 4:13)—oh yeah, & he felt so desperate to right the wrongs done against his people that he killed an Egyptian in his anger way before God even called him? (Exodus 2:11-15) Or how about David sleeping with another man’s wife & then having her husband killed to cover up his shame? (2 Samuel 11) OUCH. Or Abraham & his wife thinking they would “help God keep his promise of an heir” by agreeing he should sleep with their servant AKA sin against God? (Genesis 16:1-5) Or Jonah straight up RUNNING away because he didn’t want to listen to God? (Jonah 1:1-3) Or Gideon hiding in a cave & asking MULTIPLE times for confirmation because he was so scared to obey God? (Judges 6:11-40)

I mean, the list can go on for quite some time & these are all people we can wrongly tend to put up on a pedestal. Key words: these are all PEOPLE.

They’re all PEOPLE. They’re not GOD.

If We’re All Flawed, Sinful Human Beings… How Can God Use Any of Us?

So, then, if we all share the common denominator of being merely human, with all of our shared flaws, weaknesses, sins, insecurities, fears, etc. then how can ANY of us be used by God?

Because if God calls us to do something in obedience to Him, He is not relying on YOU being enough for it, because He knows HE IS. You can be sure that wherever He calls you to obey Him, He will be the One to supply your needs to accomplish it.

God worked the miracles for Moses. God parted the Red Sea. God gave Moses the words to say. God gave Moses a partner to assist him through his apprehensions & fears. God led them through the wilderness. God guided them to the promised land. God fought for them. (Exodus 3; Exodus 14)

He directed Jonah, knowing the people would repent if warned. He patiently KEPT directing Jonah in his disobedience because He cared too much for the evil Ninevites to let them pay what Jesus would cover if they were to repent & turn to God from their many sins. (Jonah 4)

He forgave David & was the One who worked through this sinful man’s life. Despite all of his very human, sinful failures, he kept coming back to God, trusting God above his complete unworthiness. (2 Samuel 12:1-15; also, see many Psalms where David repents & turns to rely on God)

Then there is God working through Abraham despite his lack of faith & answering Gideon’s many requests for confirmation to patiently act in long-suffering gentleness toward his many fears.

I mean, PAUL?! Enough said about Him. (Acts 26:9-31)

It’s not the heroes written of in the Bible who hold the power for change through ministry orchestrated by God, it’s God Himself!

They All Served the Same Great God

Having that experience with that demon that I talked about last week REALLY sealed that understanding in my brain, but it kept developing as I learned more about God’s servants that did GREAT things, not because they were great, but because they all served the same GREAT GOD.

So, consider me writing these chapters, week-by-week to you, my readers. I am NO different. I am HUMAN.

Do you know how many weeks I have to scrape myself off the floor, so to speak, because I feel SO opposed to getting off my lazy butt & getting to the editing even? If you follow me on social media, you have surely seen my posts/prayers asking for God’s help through my self-centered rebellious tendencies to avoid this part of the process.

I like choosing ME. I like choosing COMFORT. I am SELFISH. That is the real me.

I have sass & am stubborn (my mom can attest to this from my childhood). Working for the LORD requires me to DIE to myself… to lay down WANTS for HIM.… To accept that where I lack, I don’t have to quit & run because I can stop & turn to Him for help to get me through it with His wisdom, encouragement, courage, & peace. I can rely on this same great God that the heroes of the Bible served & lived for!

Grace, by Definition, Is Underserved

This phrase came to me sometime in the last year or so as I was praying over how I could possibly obey His command to extend grace to a fellow Christian who was very unkind to me consistently for months. His response to those prayers? “Michelle, grace, by definition, is undeserved.”

I will say it again, “Grace, by definition, is undeserved.” My grace-filled life is not a claim to a rosy-glassed life, but rather despite my flesh that constantly rears up to war with my soul, God continues to be my Enough. He continues to suffer long with me. He continues to HELP me submit to Him, even when it makes me uncomfortable to admit as to how little willpower & a desire to submit to Him comes naturally to me.

So, after that demon experience, after finishing this “Authentic Beauty” book with my dear friend, I realized that my desire to serve God did not have to end with my endless inadequacies….

… Because any work He would call me to all depended on HIM anyway.

And He was (is) ALWAYS enough.

My Precious “Lilies for the Lord”

So, birthed from these realizations, I jumped headfirst into every ministry opportunity God placed on my heart, beginning with a small group of middle school girls that will always hold a special place in my heart, long after they’ve forgotten all about me.

“Lilies for the Lord” was my first ministry back around 2006/2007. A group of about 7 middle schoolers, all friends of my baby sister from various activities she participated in. Even back then, my heart cry was to design & run my own website for those too scared to openly ask questions, where they would have support even if their family wasn’t supportive of their search for hope in Jesus Christ. I didn’t know where to begin, but look how far GOD has brought me all these years later!

We met at my parents’ house, I believe every other week. (Friday maybe?)

There was a memory verse each meet, a white board with next week’s verse, sometimes a small craft, & a Bible lesson. We also did prayer journaling times where they could go to a corner alone & write out their personal prayers to God, practicing intentionally turning to God in prayer.

It Wasn’t a “Spot That Needed Filling in a Church Ministry” but a Proclamation That, as a Girl in My 20’s, Their Walk with & Hope in God Was What Mattered Most

Once a quarter, we did a sleepover with either a movie theater field trip or laser tag or something of the like. Then followed with games & maybe pizza & snacks & cartoons & nail painting.

I also tried to do an occasional outreach with them to help them think outwardly versus just their own thoughts, wants, & life. This included a full feast for a pastor’s wife who had a major surgery & was bedridden during recovery & another time we made a bunch of cookies, included a verse of encouragement on each plate & asked for names from their parents of families who were having a rough Christmas that year due to loss or injury or health issues, went to their houses together, sang carols, & delivered cookies.

My heart was to teach them that investing in their lives & faith mattered to me. Not because I was signed up to help at church because they had a spot to fill, but because ME, a servant of God, CARED ABOUT THEM & their walk with God Almighty.

To teach them that purity mattered. That compromises always led to pain, even if not realized until years later (more on this in an upcoming chapter).

To teach them that their walk with God & their worship of Him & their obedience to Him was the MOST important thing they could pursue in their entire lifetime.

I Serve a Great God Who Does Not Give Up on Comfort-Seeking Me

I’m not saying all of this so you can “Ooooh” & “Ahhhh” at me, praising me, just as I am sure the disciples of Jesus would be offended at being worshipped rather than directing that worship to the one they gave their lives for.

I’m saying all of this because I want you to see that it is NOT ME. I am NOT super special, super spiritual.

I am just a regular, sin-torn, fleshly human woman who naturally gravitates toward HERSELF, but who has seen God be her ENOUGH in all of her lack. All of MY lack.

It All Starts with a Willingness–“Here I am, LORD. Send Me.”

A willingness to say to God, “Here I am, God. Send me. I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do or say or how to possibly get it done because it’s ME we’re talking about here. But I want to obey You. I want to serve You. Show me where. Show me what I can do for You. And show me that You’re my enough for it every step of the way as I lean into You for help every step of the way. You. Are. My. Enough. Here I am, LORD, send me.”

Are you willing to trust HIM to use your life to bless others & point to Him all along the journey? Then be willing to pray & ask for God to show you how He can use your life, too, with His help.

He won’t hesitate to use a willing heart to shine hope to those around them.

Shine HOPE by being willing to live for Him, knowing He’s the One to fill in your gaps where you lack. Because we ALL lack. But He doesn’t.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Silver Labradorite Set (EAST ASIA & INDIA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! Save $9.95 when you pair the Tortoise Textured Hoops with the Silver Labradorite Bracelet to create a complete fair-trade look! It’s perfect for gifting or styling yourself! Beautifully textured, the Tortoise Textured Hoops have a mirror effect that makes the bright silver color shine! The dainty details of this Silver Labradorite Bracelet will bring an elegant look to your ethical style with its silver and labradorite beads and one silver tube bead.

*****Every purchase creates necessary jobs for women in India & helps rescue women from brothels in East Asia.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!