How Prettied Up Do I Have to be… to Worship?

Well, I’m starting this day off right… with a headache.

I used to think that worship was: me at my best, with a smiling face, wearing nice clothes, in church before the service, singing to the worship songs led by the praise team.

Of course, there was also me singing in my car to worship music as well.

But all of it was usually me at my best, singing (with a smile) to God.

In a Whole Heap of Pain? WORSHIP Him

I still remember a couple years ago, when I was attacked by an animal & had to rush to the hospital… recovering from the trauma of that, feeling newfound fear I had never had to deal with before of whether or not it would happen to me again because the attack was so unexpected.

As I was praying for peace & comfort from the fear & trauma response I was dealing with, God’s answer caught me off guard. He impressed upon my heart to worship & praise Him.

How unusual a solution to all of the inner pain & fear that was knocking around inside of my heart… how insensitive a solution it seemed.

But after many more prayers basically of, “well, obviously THAT can’t be the real solution You are offering… so… what else?” Well… God kept repeating the same solution over my heart. “Worship me. Praise me.”

(Read more on this in “Will I Praise Him in the Storm? Do I Trust God?”)

How Can I Praise Him When They Don’t Mean It?

Then, there was the time, 15 ish years ago, when I was helping at some youth group whatever & the praise team seemed more like a mini rock concert of teens leading & feeling uber spiritual while getting to feel like popular rock stars among their fellow teens.

It felt icky listening because I can sometimes get a sense for how people are feeling & they were just oozing “LOOK AT ME!” while leading WORSHIP to GOD.

I had a hard time singing along. I prayed about it a lot because it really messed with me seeing self-absorbed reactions instead of humble worshippers on stage.

But, in one of the teen services, something smacked me in the face as I prayed during this time once again. “Whether or not THEY are genuine should not impact whether or not YOU are genuine in your worship.”

Ouch.

Worship Anytime Anywhere to Any Song

And again, in conversation with one of my former pastors, a friend of ours, he expressed quite a controversial thought… that ANY music can become worship.

At the mall with no choice over the play list? You can worship God to it in your heart.

How? Well, imagine the song is about LOVE. Who created us to experience such a wonderful feeling? God. Imagine it’s about having a good day. Who is the author of all good things? God.

And you know what? I am going to take it a step FURTHER to be even MORE controversial than he was…. What if they’re singing about something sinful? Gasp… you can thank God for saving you out of such a life. Worship. (Would I intentionally listen to something that promotes things that dishonor God? No. But if I am around as it is playing in a public space, even then, I can choose to worship.)

AND… flipping this idea on its head & making it even MORE controversial… you can sing actual Christian worship songs & actually be devoid of any worship at all. (Read more about that, here: “Does Our Worship Reflect Self-Glory?”)

Worship Is Not Exclusive to Singing to or Listening to Music

You see, worship is not some pre-packaged set of worship songs sung before a church service while being led by a hands-raised praise team. Worship doesn’t even require music at all.

True worship is actually a heart posture.

True worship is a bowing down of SELF & a lifting up of HIM.

It says, “Not I, but Christ.”

It says, “Whatever You will, LORD.”

It says, “Come what may, I will trust You IN the hard.”

It says, “Above all, You are worthy to be praised!”

It takes our focus off of this world… off our desires… off our needs… off ourselves….

And onto Him.

THAT is worship.

Come What May, He Is Worthy to be Praised

It does not mean being fake. Don’t get me wrong on this. It is not a, “I feel terrible, but I have to be ‘Christian-y’ & make God happy & do right responses to get Him to help me or so I don’t look like a ‘bad Christian.’”

No. It is an intentional heart posture that bows down before His figurative throne/feet & says, “Lord, You are God & I am not. You are worthy to be praised despite my circumstances. Help me to trust in You come what may because You deserve it whether I feel like it or not right now.”

What Is Worship?

Loving others for His sake is worship. Serving others for His sake is worship. Bowing your will to the benefit of others for His sake is worship.

Giving for His sake is worship. Generosity for His sake is worship. Sacrifice for His sake is worship.

Doing hard things for His sake is worship. Obedience to Him is worship.

Turning to Him instead of others/other things is worship. Bowing your bad attitude to be humbled & changed for His sake is worship. Bowing your life to be used by Him is worship.

Living your life seeking to please & honor Him is worship.

Coming to Him after failure & sin & trusting on Jesus to be sufficient even then is worship.

Sobbing as you cry out to Him in the worst of pain, trusting Him as your source of comfort & peace is worship.

Worship Is Messy Sometimes

Worship is messy sometimes. Worship says that no matter what we face, He is worthy to be praised.

And you know what? That time, after I was attacked by an animal & God responded to my prayers for help by asking me to worship? When I finally stopped questioning His response & stopped asking for the next option… & I worshipped Him in my clenching, aching heart… I felt the burden begin to lift from my heavy heart.

My heart was being comforted in remembering how greatly He is to be praised despite my circumstances. That He had me. That He was in control. That He would heal. That He would comfort. That He would love me through it.

Worship lifted my focus from my wrenching pain to His wonderful glory.

Worship Doesn’t Always Have to Look Pretty

I mean, have you read the Psalms? They are not all pretty, sunshine, & rainbows. But they are all worship.

Worship is messy sometimes. Sometimes it’s with a heavy heart & a tear-stained face. Sometimes it’s when the hard hasn’t even begun to stop yet. Sometimes it doesn’t make everything get better right away.

But it lifts our focus from the mire & clay & ASH… to His wonderful, loving, powerful, gracious, worthy & deserving face.

My God Is an Awesome God, He Is Worthy to be Praised

My God is an awesome God

He is worthy to be praised.

When my sin demanded payment.

Jesus took my place.

I deserve the pits of Hell,

But Jesus died to save.

When all in life seems to die,

And nothing seems to be okay.

My Jesus died to give me life.

My joy is here to stay… come what may…

My God is an awesome God.

He is worthy to be praised.

AMEN!

Even When I Have a Headache

So, why did I start this blog off by randomly mentioning a headache before moving on with this discussion about messy worship? Because even when I am not at my best, even when I don’t feel so great… I can choose to bring Him glory & to worship Him through even that, by choosing to lift up His name even when I am feeling low.

Shine HOPE by turning your eyes to Him & offering Him worship in every season of life, good or bad, plenty or lack, joy or pain, comfort or suffering. He is worthy to be praised!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over 5.5 years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Colorwave Earrings (East Asia)

Beautiful swirls of multicolor resin make these Colorwave Earrings mesmerizingly fun and fashionable! The oval shaped resin hangs from a 14K gold plated stainless steel earring hook creating a stunning look, perfectly adding an extra pop of color to your style! These ethically made earrings support women rescued from brothels.

*****Every purchase provides safe housing, health care, trauma counseling, job skills training, and dignified income for sex trafficking survivors in East Asia.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Why?

Do you know why I think Christianity doesn’t seem to “stick” for some people? Why either they start out following Jesus & then turn away… or whether they just don’t want to accept Him at all in the first place?

Because the fleshly nature does not chill out once you become a Christian. In other words, you still want what you want sometimes, even if you know you shouldn’t want it.

Paul talks about this war with the flesh… doing what he doesn’t want & not doing what he wills to do. (Romans 7:15-20)

It’s talked about in 1 Peter: “… abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul….” (1 Peter 2:11b)

And in James… “But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.” (James 1:14-15)

And in Luke: “… they go out and [the truth they’ve heard] is choked with cares, riches, and pleasures of life, and brings no fruit to maturity.” (Luke 8:14)

I mean, I have been a Christian for 35 years now & I feel it still. And whenever I think I am finally immune to it… there it is again.

Denial of Self Is HARD Some Days, Isn’t It?

Why do I think Christianity doesn’t seem to “stick” for some people?

Because it requires & calls us to a constant denial of SELF… & we, as humanity, tend to really like SELF.

Whether it’s us doubting God’s Word as valid “enough” or logical “enough” because it makes no sense to us or seems to oppose what we perceive of the way things “actually” work….

Whether it’s going through cruel circumstances that seem to rip you to shreds & leave you so broken that you question how a good God Who claims to love you could do this…. (Read Job.)

Whether it’s facing hard that won’t ever seem to stop & you just want to numb or cling to easy instead of consistently having to turn to God as your help. Feeling consistently insufficient is HARD.

Whether it’s living the day-to-day with the desire to live it YOUR way with no shame or guilt hovering over your head like a dark, annoying cloud.

SELF-denial is HARD sometimes. Can I get an amen? Because I FEEL this sometimes. I have been through seasons of ALL of the above… & more.

Self-denial some days feels to be obviously the best option (because, really, it actually IS), while other days it can feel frustrating & awful.

God Calls the Shots… Not Me

Christianity requires self-denial. We have to come to the end of ourselves, recognize that the ONLY real, true standard is set by the God Almighty Who made it all & Who is outside time & space, that it’s His world, whether it makes us comfortable or not… & as such, He alone gets to set the standard, whether we agree with it or not… & that we can never live up to said standard 100% of the time perfectly because we are sinful people… we choose US even in small ways & often in big ways… that we can’t save ourselves from the wrath of God that we deserve because of this… & finally, an accepting of the free gift of Jesus paying for our sins on the cross & rising again victorious over our sin & death.

A ”Not I, but Christ,” attitude & heart posture.

And yes, the freedom & forgiveness that fills in all of those rotting spaces in our soul is refreshing & freeing & wonderful. It is beyond worth anything we may in turn forsake to glorify Him instead of ourselves.

But afterwards… our fleshly self doesn’t just take a hike for good… it just doesn’t have the final say anymore. It doesn’t automatically win anymore. It doesn’t have full control. … But it still wants it sometimes.

But giving God full control is a very, very good thing… because God’s standard, get this… is ALWAYS for OUR good & HIS glory. Always.

Why Do I Still Wrestle, Then?

So, why do I have to be so annoying? Why do I still wrestle with SELF trying to win when HIS way ALWAYS proves better in the end?

I’m like a little kid who screams, “I DO IT!” sometimes when God tries to direct me His way.

Or sometimes I think on what He calls me to & I think… “but being on the couch in my pjs seems much better… let’s go with that instead.”

Or, I think to myself, “They don’t DESERVE that! Why would I do that for them or why would I forgive THEM?!!?” (See “Unforgiving Servant” story in the Bible in Matthew 18:21-35, as well as all of the book of Jonah.)

Or, I am so cranky from my alarm waking me from that cool dream & that relaxing state of sleep that I just don’t wanna ANYTHING. (Repenting over the grumpies is an unfortunately very real morning routine for me, folks.)

Or, I want to grab a snack, pop on the tv, play a game, or literally anything else to quell my restless, stressful thoughts because it’s instant gratification rather than praying for help & maybe being told to “go for a walk” or something way less instantly gratifying….

The amount of times in a day that I let my flesh win, even in the little choices or attitudes, is really quite embarrassing.

Self-denial is HARD. Why do I still wrestle when I know He ought to win?

I Have to First Say “No” to ME in Order to Experience the Many Blessings of Trusting HIM

Taking up my cross daily & following Him is HARD. Rewarding & worth it & fruitful & satisfying & fulfilling & uplifting? YES. … But HARD because it means I have to FIRST say ‘NO’ to ME. And I don’t always like doing that.

I get it. We want to be gods in our own little personal world. We want to cater to the ME. It’s not always comfortable yielding to Someone else, especially when it doesn’t make any sense to us or it doesn’t seem to be what we’d want.

And the me-first, main character culture of today is NOT helping things, because it reinforces what we already want to be true. But this is His Story. History is His story. Not mine. Not yours. HIS. We are all side characters in HIS story. Supporting roles, if you will. NOT the main character.

And I get it. Stepping out of the spotlight in your life… & letting Him take center stage instead, even when you feel you have such great things to offer… is hard.

But it’s not our stage. It’s HIS.

And that’s hard some days. The fact is… it is hard to yield ourselves, our will, our intellect, our comforts, our way… to Him. To trust HIM to be our sovereign sufficiency & and not anything or anyONE else.

Do We Believe God Is Stronger Than:

… a cup of coffee in the morning

… a good night’s rest

… self-care

… a bad mood

… a lover’s embrace

… our hopes & dreams

… feeling wanted

… companionship

… comfort

… success/accomplishment

… ________________________________________

Or, do you feel like you need Jesus + ____________________________?

Not to say that they’re all bad things… not to say most aren’t helpful… but do you feel like God is strong enough even without them?

Or do you feel like you need God + ___________________________?

What fills in that blank for you, if you are COMPLETELY honest with yourself?

The Things I Chase

For me, it’s numbing things like tv, games, random videos, snacks, etc. when I feel restless, weighed down, stressed, or tired… because it’s easy & quick, even though none of them solve anything… just cover it up for a while until it comes back up again… because I’m too scared sometimes of what God will ask me to try instead that’s not so quick & mindless a solution. (As if God doesn’t know how to help me THROUGH that issue to SOLVE that issue… versus just avoiding it forever.)

For me, it’s still struggling with fantasizing, with loopholes of it never being about real people, because I am too scared to trust God’s way without it. (As if God didn’t CREATE sex for marriage & as if He can’t help me a better way because He knows best.)

For me, it’s being too scared to just randomly go up to a stranger & talk about Jesus when I feel His nudging on my heart. (As if God doesn’t know EVERYONE’S thoughts & as if He can’t see their questions, hurts, & doubts when they lie awake in bed at night & how to answer them through my willingness to be used by Him in that moment.)

For me, it’s wanting to withdraw because of how awkward I feel trying to find my place in a group setting where I don’t know where I fit. (As if God can’t give me courage.)

For me, it’s wanting to wallow when I feel lonely. (As if God can’t hold & love me through it.)

For me, it’s hating hard that won’t quit & wanting to blame God or shut down. (As if God can’t sufficiently BE my strength in those seasons if I keep calling out to Him.)

For me, it’s wanting to hold a grudge when someone is consistently & unapologetically rude or mean to me. (As if Jesus didn’t already pay for that & even pay much more for ME.)

For me, it’s clinging to the comforts He supplies rather than Him when I get too comfortable with those comforts. (As if He doesn’t already know my needs & as if He can’t perfectly supply every time withOUT those comforts I cling to.)

I could go on… really. (I told you it’s embarrassing.) 35 years in & I still face this war in myself some days. I’m forever not perfect. Always “failing forward” as I heard somewhere.

What Is It for You?

What are you tempted to trade God for?

Where does your flesh tend to win?

When does it get hard for you to keep trusting Him & going to Him?

What would make you walk away? What is your breaking point? … Or are you all in, bowing to Him as LORD come what may?

What areas do you tend to feel your flesh nature scream for attention & preference?

Shine HOPE by determining to intentionally bow all of that to Him, relying on Him no matter what & not trading Him in for anything else. Because nothing, & I mean NOTHING satisfies like God can, through Jesus Christ our LORD.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over 5.5 years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Beehive Trivet Set (INDIA)

This set is perfect to display ethically made home decor to upscale your home design! Create a beautiful display that showcases the craftsmanship of our Artisan Partners in India who handcraft the detailed Bumblebee Trivet and Honeycomb Trivet! The Bumblebee Trivet features a single-line bumblebee shape, and the Honeycomb Trivet features a fun honeycomb design.

*****Every purchase of the Beehive Trivet Set supports families in areas of extreme poverty in India, empowering them to end poverty cycles for their families, send their kids to school, and earn fair wages for their work.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Why Did Jesus Rebuke Them?

I’m working through a Bible study right now on Matthew 5-7 & we’re at the part about fasting. Well, the point of the passage is really not even about the fasting, but about the motive behind the fasting. (Matthew 6:16-18; Isaiah 58:3-12)

You see, the people were prostrating themselves, bowing low, sackcloth & ashes, the whole deal… but Jesus rebuked them for it all. Why? Motive matters.

They hoped they could all live the way they wanted, but as long as they followed all the “right” Christian-y steps, they were all good & God would listen to them when they fasted.

In other words, there was no bowing of their HEARTS to Him… just the physical bowing of their heads.

And Jesus rejected it.

What’s Your Why?

I see that even with how some people celebrate lent. The restaurant advertisements during lent are getting a little ridiculous because lent is supposed to be about denying yourself something you love to draw your heart closer to God & submitting yourself more fully to Him… but has become (for some) a show of giving up one pleasure & just exchanging it for a different pleasure instead during that time period. Doesn’t that kind of defeat the whole point?

And holidays can be the same way, in a sense. Certain holidays, like Easter & Christmas, are meant to be a remembrance of Him & are meant to stand as a reminder to worship & praise Him for all the good He has done. A testimony of His goodness & glory.

Who Is the Figurehead That Represents Christmas?

For example, I’m not opposed to Santa, mainly because he is based on a real human who saw a need & sought to be a blessing to those around Him. But I’m sure if he was looking down from heaven, he would be disturbed by how far it’s gone… making him the figurehead of Christmas instead of Christ.

So, no, I am not opposed or revolted by Santa, but I do think it’s gotten so saturated as the general figurehead of Christmas that he vastly drowns out the real reason we’re reminded to celebrate… the coming of God become man to earth–JESUS–to ultimately give His life as our ransom.

That should be sobering… humbling… invoking of WORSHIP to God Almighty.

What’s the Big Deal about Easter?

And Easter… & the bunny… & the eggs… & pastel… dressing up.

None of those things are wrong at all… but do they reflect the reason we celebrate Easter? Do we follow cute traditions more than we make it about Him? That Jesus bowed His life to us on the cross to pay our debt to God by giving His own life for us & then rising again victorious over death & our sin?

What is our focus? What is our motive? What matters MOST to us if we’re really honest with ourselves?

Do we have all of our Christian-y rituals down? Check. Check. Check?

Or are we really reflecting on having a bowed down heart versus just a bowed down head?

Everything We Say, Think, Feel, Do… Reflects What We Think about Jesus

I get accused sometimes of “trying to make everything spiritual” or that my takeaways “don’t always have to be something spiritual,” but if not, what am I making my life about? ME?

Like it or not, every decision we make… Every word we say…. Every motive matters. Everything reflects what we think about Jesus. Everything is, essentially… spiritual.

Is it just “what can I get out of this?” Or is it, “how ought I surrender more to His control?”

Should I be satisfied with a “good enough” level of surrender? Or should I always strive to aim for more surrender to Him?

Where Is My Heart? … Where Is Yours?

Am I living for me, with a dash of Jesus sprinkled in there for good measure?

Or is my all dedicated to Him as an offering & a sacrifice for His use?

Living for me with God as my backup plan or aide in MY way?

Or living fully for Him?

Bowing low, sackcloth & ashes, denial of self to somehow make a point to God, to somehow manipulate Him into action?

Or bowing my HEART to Him as my LORD God, Lord of my life?

What do I hold back from Him? What parts do I reserve just for me?

Is my sprinkle of Jesus in my life just so I can feel I “did my part” as a Christian?

Or do I live to let Him have ever more of my life?

Who do I trust more with my life? Me? Or Him?

I am Convicted of This Regularly… It’s Too Easy to Live for Me

I am definitely not writing this to say that I have it all figured out nor do I think I always make the best choices.

But I do understand that I ought to do better. Not because it earns me something from God. Not to “get God to listen to me.” Not to be “a better person.”

But because He really actually deserves it. It’s what we’re made for.

Everything in our lives should reflect worship to Him. Because it is what He deserves.

It shouldn’t be about living our routines & our lives & our desires & our dreams… but in bowing all of that to be changed by Him if He so wishes.

He Is More

He has a plan that spans before & past my lifetime. How can I use the time I have in order to point to Him as the One true God, our only HOPE?

He has wisdom & knowledge & understanding I cannot even begin to fathom. How can I bow what I think I know to trusting He DOES know?

How can my life be more than just doing all the right things, to living a life surrendered to His will, His way, His help, His glory? Trusting He will more than care for me along the way?

Why Do You Celebrate? Where Is Your Heart?

What’s the big deal about Easter? Why do you celebrate it? Or why don’t you? What is it about? What do you look forward to? Where is your focus?

What do your plans on this day reflect about what it means to you?

One thing I like to do each year to help me remember what it’s really about… is making quiche. We don’t make it often, but I love the picture as I am making it of the eggs being broken & poured out, just like Jesus offered up Himself to be broken for our transgressions, pouring out a demonstration of His love for us through His death for us… rising again triumphant! That sacrifice nourishes us & gives us LIFE.

“But He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5) <–He did that for US, guys!

What Would God Say to You?

What would God say in response to your sacrifices for Him? In response to your works for Him? In response to the way you live your life... if His message in Isaiah 58:3-12 was directed at you?

Is your heart bowed to Him? Or just your head?

Shine HOPE by choosing to not just go through the “Christian-y motions,” but by choosing to submit however you feel about it to be changed by Him to bring Him more glory through the short life you do have… by surrendering all the more as time goes by, letting Him be LORD of your LIFE… ALL of it.

Here’s to forever being fellow works-in-PROGRESS.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over 5.5 years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

April 2024 Hope Mail (INDIA)

This exclusive April Hope Mail package makes a great gift for any occasion! Receive free shipping on this April Hope Mail package that includes our Misty Teal Earrings handmade in India, Silver Duet Bracelet from India, and our adorable Umbrella Sticker mailed in a stylish Fashion as a Force for Good envelope.

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Grace, by Definition, Is Undeserved.

When you see the title including this little Christian-y sounding phrase of “a grace-filled life,” I don’t want you to misunderstand me. I don’t say it to sound flowery & extra spiritual, as if my life is so wonderful that I describe it as a grace-filled life.

No, when I use that phrase, it is with a very real understanding that it displays how undeserving I am of all that God has done in my life. All He promises me. All He paid for me.

I want every chapter in the story of my life–every high, every low, every failure, every victory, every weakness, & every strength–to be a testimony that points to Him as my hope in every season, all along the way, so that you too can learn to look to Him in every chapter of your own life story… to shine HOPE (in Him) like you were always meant to.

You were made for this… to give God GLORY… even in the small things.

“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31)

God Has Always Been

By now, you can probably see that this compilation of testimony that is my life is not one marked by faith & faithfulness on my part, as if pointing to my life as praiseworthy… but by the grace that God has extended to me through all of my failings & shortcomings, because of Who HE is.

He has stood by my side & lifted me out of my mire & grown me through it all… all the highs & the many lows (often self-inflicted).

Growing up a Christian, since I was merely 5 years old, has given me a unique perspective that not many adults-become-Christians get to see. Even as a child, when I had very little to contribute & very little understanding or knowledge, when very little credit could be given to me… God still was. He still worked in my life all the way through it, even in the seasons where I wondered if I would be better off serving myself rather than God… even in my seasons of deep doubts… even when I was rebellious & turned from Him… even in seasons where I wanted to die.

He was faithful every step… even at my worst.

I am No Better Than Anyone

I have been “doubting Thomas.” (John 20:25) I have been “over-eager Peter” who then failed horribly. (Luke 22:33; Luke 22:54-62) I have wrestled with my flesh like Paul. (Romans 7:15-20) I have cowered in fear of God’s call like Gideon. (Judges 6:11-16) I have failed beyond measure like David (2 Samuel 11-12). I have trusted my own solutions like Abraham & Sarah. (Genesis 16:1-2) I have doubted I was capable of God’s calling like Moses. (Exodus 4:10) I have run away like Jonah. (Jonah 1:3) I have promised obedience & faithfulness forever only to get lulled back to living for myself like the Israelites. (Half of the Bible seems to reference this.) I have lived like the prodigal son, only to realize I needed to come home & beg for scraps from God only to see Him welcome me with open arms. (Luke 15:11-32) I have questioned God like Job in hard seasons. (Job 38) I have chosen to want to be the one to know & decide for myself, lured by what looks so good… like Eve. (Genesis 3:6)

And like all of these testimonies we read about in God’s Word, the Bible, the common thread is NOT how praiseworthy these men & women were… but how awesome, powerful, forgiving, loving, sovereign, & how gracious GOD IS.

It’s Strange to be Back

Coming to this final chapter (to be continued, I’m sure), it seems fitting that my husband & I are back on Guam.

If you read one of my first few chapters, about when we moved here the first time, back in 2012 (read about that, here), you know that my time here was one of the most difficult & lonely seasons of my life. Other side of the world, limited “international calling hours window,” husband who worked more often than didn’t, hard time connecting with others, couldn’t find a job, couldn’t get involved, had no car to start with, typhoons, etc.

It felt like life whiplash moving here from where I grew up, near all of my family & friends, after having just graduated late from Liberty University with a Bachelor’s in Business Marketing & having been very active in student leadership/ministry.

Then… Guam.

Our 7 Years in Japan

Then we moved to Hokkaido, Japan, where the isolation was even more intense because of the language barrier.

And I didn’t handle it well with all of my prayers for, “PLEASE, just make the hard STOP!!!!” And it didn’t.

But God didn’t waste any of that, as you have seen. He turned it all for my good, as He always does & promises to do. All for my good & for His glory.

Then, Misawa, Japan, where I began to heal, make meaningful connections & friendships, community, getting involved again at church, etc.

The Day I Got the News…

And then… Guam again.

I still remember my hubs calling me excitedly to tell me all about this opportunity.

Now, keep in mind that every conversation we had ever had in recent years about potential change was us moving to Florida in a couple years from then & settling there stateside.

So, naturally… I thought he was talking so excitedly about & leading up to us moving to FLORIDA sooner than expected. Joyous anticipation was beginning to bubble up in me as he gushed about this job he was so eager to tell me about… FLORIDA!

But no… he finishes his “how it came about” story & topped it off with: “& guess… where… it… is…..!!!!” (pause for dramatic effect) “GUAM!”

I think my heart crashed to the floor quicker than it ever has in that moment. My eyes blanked out as I stared forward like the wind had just been knocked out of me…. Like I had just been sucker-punched in the gut.

Guam…?

GUAM….

NOT Guam…. PLEASE not Guam….

But yes… it was Guam.

Heh. Finally healing. Finally feeling a sense of community & friendship & involvement at church… & then BACK to GUAM?!? I did not have fond memories of my time on Guam.

Then a Tremendously Difficult Move to Add on Top of My Already Unwilling Participation in Said Move

The next year was one I don’t ever desire to repeat. God swung open doors I wanted to lean my back into with my full body weight to keep them from opening. He was like THROWING pieces together to make this happen.

Satan kept knocking the floor out from under us the whole way with sure things being cancelled last minute & misfiled & all the things that made us think it was all going to fall apart… but then, God was like miraculously making it happen anyway, every single time.

As if Satan was throwing up unsurmountable-seeming obstacles at every turn & God was just SMACKING THEM DOWN as if those obstacles were NOTHING.

God clearly wanted us on Guam. So clearly. (I didn’t want to be there… but God was making it happen anyway.)

I Knew He OUGHT to Win… But I Didn’t Want Him To

And I absolutely hated it. I became basically an adult version of a kid having a complete temper tantrum in my heart. Crossed arms, furrowed brows, angry pout, huffs… all of it. I did not want to go back there (here).

Surrender on this one was especially hard for me. I knew God OUGHT to win… because He always knows what He is doing better than me… I just didn’t WANT Him to win.

And to make things worse, as I mentioned… the move was hard every step of the way. Nothing was straight-forward. Nothing was simple. Nothing worked the way it was meticulously planned ahead of time to work.

And getting here didn’t get ANY better… for so many reasons.

That was a year for the BOOKS. And then there were some who were completely NON-gracious about it the whole way through, adding emotional hurt to top all of it off. I mean, why not, right? What’s one more thing to cry about? That’s how it felt some days.

Looking Back

But now, we’ve gotten to this point in my life, & we can look back at all of the different seasons of serious HARD I have been through… even in handling a lot of them quite terribly… & we can see this common thread shine through:

God is able. God knows what He is doing. God is in control. God never wastes hard. God is faithful. God is enough. God can where I can’t. God is a gracious God.

I can trust Him. Everything He does… EVERYTHING… ALWAYS works out for MY good… & HIS glory. ALWAYS.

Even. When. I. Prove. I. Don’t. Deserve. It. Even when I prove it over & over & over & over & over again!

God redeems. God is gracious.

And this isn’t just a “when I get to heaven” thing. I can trust Him with my life even right now.

It doesn’t mean life is going to be all rainbows & sunshine. It won’t. But God never wastes our struggles. He works them for our good & His glory every time… if our hope is placed in HIM.

A Lot Has Happened in 2 Years… How Has It Been 2 Years?

This summer will be 2 years back on Guam now… hard to believe it’s been this long already… seriously feels like it’s been less than a year… & yet it also feels like an eternity. I guess a crazy difficult move that lasted for several months, a house that needed a lot of different work done when we moved in, some traveling, plus a devastating super typhoon last summer made time seem to go by quickly.

But here we are… 2 years back on Guam in just a few months.

I won’t lie to you…. There are still some scars that hurt a little when poked. Some trauma probably from last time leaving me distrusting & unsure of myself here.

But God has also used this place to heal many of the things that were hurt last time we lived here. He has shown me how He is able to spiritually mature & grow a whole church/church body versus just only individuals. He has allowed me to experience & learn to enjoy the blessings of a place I once felt mainly only memories of pain.

I Still Have a Very Long Way to Go

I wasn’t quite 30 last time we moved here & now, as of this past November, I am 40. It’s a different perspective with these last 10 years of growth behind me now.

I still have some healing to do… still have some areas that I need to surrender to God for healing versus holding back by trusting the lies & hurts of my trauma. But God wanted me here for a reason… & I trust Him with that come what may.

Shine HOPE by trusting that God is gracious. My grace-filled life is because of His grace… not because of my deserving… but I will strive to let every chapter of my story point back to Him as my faithful, true, & lasting HOPE through it all.

All glory & honor & praise to God, forever & ever, AMEN!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over 5.5 years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Avina Tote (INDIA)

This stunning patchwork-inspired, quilted tote bag is handcrafted by women rising above the grip of poverty in India. Each Aviva Tote features three various floral patterns in different shades of blue, pink, yellow, and green beautifully sewn together. Keep your essentials organized and secure inside this tote’s roomy interior that features a zipper pocket, slip pockets, and magnetic closure.

*****Every purchase of this tote helps support women with fair jobs, help educate girls, and families leaving slums in India.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

I Felt Like the Fat Kid

I grew up feeling fat. Weight was talked about quite a bit in my growing up years… so it became something I thought about quite a lot in my growing up years.

In fact, I thought about it so much that I felt like the fat, ugly friend in every friend group I happened to be a part of.

Looking back at pictures of me from those days, I am quite shocked to recognize how comparable I looked to those friends weight-wise. But my perception back then told me differently.

My Failed Searches for Worth

This has been a long-term problem for me. One where I finally found eventual freedom.

If you remember me talking about being a flirt back when I was younger, a big part of that was me trying to feel like I was worth paying attention to… worth feeling valued or wanted… worth someone’s love. (Read Chapter 5: God Made Me, to hear more about that story.)

And as you may also remember, that method failed me greatly & led to a different kind of prison. Instead of—get skinny or you can’t be loved… it became—stay interesting or you can’t be loved. Different problem, same prison.

And even though I grew through that, in learning to trust that if God made me, than He would be the One to know how He made me… better than I did… even if it meant I lost friends.… I found my security in God reassuring me that I didn’t need to prove myself enough or build up façade upon façade to earn friendship…. But even with that growth–I still felt like I wasn’t worth love because of the way I looked.

I Believed the World around Me Mocked Me When They Saw Me

I still felt like the frumpy, fat, ugly friend… the girl no guy would want to marry or love.

I still filtered every interaction or conversation or perception through believing others were internally (or behind my back) looking down on me & thinking less of me because I was not skinny.

I thought it wasn’t just my surroundings, but that everyone judged people’s value by the way they looked. I thought everyone mocked me when I passed by or that everyone must be discussing my body weight behind my back. That’s what made sense to me.

The Prison Isn’t Just for “Fat” People…

Then, I met a friend who used to be a model & she shared that even having ideal measurements & meeting high standards & receiving tons of praise & admiration… she used to be in the very same prison I mentioned earlier: Stay skinny or lose your value.

Different problem (because she WAS skinny), same prison (because she feared losing her worth if NOT skinny).

And that made me realize that losing my weight could never really release me from that prison.

Weight & worth are not connected. Weight & beauty are not connected. A woman can be overweight & still be very beautiful. I have seen it!

Weight Is Just Weight

No. Weight is just weight. Does eating poorly tend to make you gain weight? Yes. But then, your concern should be focused on getting your health in check… not on whether you now have lost your deserving to be loved.

Does that make sense?

We NEED to separate those two ideas.

Weight DOES NOT equal worth.

Weight DOES NOT make you ugly or beautiful.

“Watch Your Health” Should be the New Phrasing

Watching your weight should be a health concern ONLY. To make sure you are properly caring for your body—fueling it versus just feeding it.

To make sure your organs & blood vessels aren’t being restricted or damaged long-term… to make sure you have energy & strength to live your life the best you can… to help your body be strong against diseases & recovery well after injuries.

Weight can be still be an issue you need to work on, but NOT because it will somehow make you worth loving—because weight can’t give or take that away.

My 2 Beautiful College Roommates

God gave me a beautiful gift in college, in the form of 2 fun, caring, sweet roommates my senior year. Love them to pieces to this day, even though we rarely talk.

They were so genuine & caring & just fun to be around. It was what college roommate dreams are made of. We were silly goofballs together & just enjoyed hanging out & chatting in our room. I felt like I had gained 2 extra sisters that year.

But, they both looked like they could be fashion models & when I was first introduced to them as my roommates, I was SO intimidated by their beauty, making me feel like the ugly duckling in comparison.

What They Taught Me

Over time, though, they taught me that not everyone who looks that way is constantly looking down on &/or gossiping about women who look like me… that my weight was not their first/primary thought.

Some nights, a young lady heavier than I would come in our room to ask a question or something while the 2 of them were up working on projects or whatnot, & I had been in bed, presumably asleep for quite awhile… & when that young lady would leave, them assuming I was long asleep… I braced myself for the presumed mocking comments to begin… or at least “well-meaning” comments about “she really should lose weight…” but none came. In fact, it was usually PRAISE coming from them, ie. “She is SO nice. She always says the kindest things & puts a smile on my face,” or, “she has the best sense of humor—she always knows how to make me laugh when I’m having a rough day—I love her!”

Those aren’t exact conversations overheard, but the idea of it is. They were only praising/focusing on CHARACTER qualities… NOT weight! I thought EVERYONE focused primarily on weight!

Then Came My Husband

Fast forward to meeting my husband. He is a handsome man. I felt like the balloon animal in the relationship… or maybe the parade float.

But he never saw me that way. He would always say something like, “I just care about you being healthy & taking care of yourself. If that magically meant you GAINED weight, I would still prefer it. Skinny doesn’t automatically mean healthy either & I want you to be healthy.”

It took about a gazillion times for him to say this before I started to believe him, but God began shifting my perspective from “low weight… or else” to, “weight does not equal worth–weight is just weight.”

I’m Not Scared of My Chubs

I’m not scared of my chub chub anymore. My tummy doesn’t disgust me when I see a roll. I don’t wear baggy shirts or cardigans to hide anymore.

My weight does not equal my worth.

But my weight still matters. I want to honor God with the choices I make. I want to steward well what He has made for me. (Psalm 139:13-16)

“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31)

I’m still responsible for the choices I make. I will still feel the health consequences of the choices I make. But I’m not scared of my chubs anymore.

God’s Gentle Step-by Step Guiding

God is gently, year-by-year, guiding me to make better habits: doing a workout several times a week, eating a nutritious breakfast to start my every morning, making healthy & nutritious meals adapted from recipes we already enjoy, limiting how often we eat out now… all baby steps, little by little, building healthier habits to benefit my HEALTH.

(If you struggle with knowing where to start, meal-planning & balancing nutrition… I have suggestions added to my recommendations page to help you get started. These have helped me tremendously along the way! Check them out @ Body Stewardship | Michelle Hyde Online.)

Now for a Healthier Me

Do I still have a long way to go, health-wise? Yes. Am I skinny? No.

Am I still concerned with my health? Yes. Do I still feel the need to get skinny? No.

Do I still feel self-conscious about my lack of self-control, leading to my poor health? Yes. Do I still feel self-conscious about my ever-present muffin top? No.

Learn to separate the 2. They’re not connected. Weight does not equal worth, but your weight, as it affects your health, is still important for the sake of your health.

Learn to look at your body as something God designed & knit together for you. Would you want to knowingly misuse, abuse, or neglect that gift? Probably not.

Shine HOPE by learning to be a good steward of what God has given you, while learning to find your worth in Him, not your weight. You are beautifully & wonderfully made. God doesn’t make mistakes, Beautiful. Now for a healthier me!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over 5.5 years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

March 2024 Hope Mail (MEXICO & INDIA)

This exclusive March Hope Mail package makes a great gift for any occasion! Receive free shipping on this March Hope Mail package that includes our Alabaster Raffia Earrings handmade in India, Luna Tassel from Mexico, and our friendly Hummingbird Sticker mailed in a stylish Fashion as a Force for Good envelope.

*****Every purchase of this set empowers women in Mexico & India out of poverty!!*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

God Is So Patient with Me

In every season of my life, God has patiently led me & taught me. It wasn’t an all-at-once type thing, but a gentle pruning & guiding of my heart, led by His love, faithfulness, & graciousness.

Sure, there have been seasons where I thought it up to me to figure things out for myself, causing way more heartache, pain, & trouble than necessary… I’m a slow learner in this regard… but every step of the way, God has proven Himself to be gentle, forgiving, & faithful.

Little Girl Dreams

When I was a little girl, I played dolls with my sister. We daydreamed about our idyllic future adult life.

We would get married, obviously… have kids, duh… & live together in a giant mansion where she owned one half & I owned the other with our respective families… & our stable full of enough horses for us & friends. OF COURSE…. (NOTE: Now that I am actually an adult… cleaning a mansion seems the last of my desires… I MUCH prefer a small home that is cozy & easy to manage, but I digress.)

God Had Other Plans… & I Didn’t Understand

Well, God didn’t quite take notes from my little kid dreams.

My younger sister & most of my younger friends got married before I did. I didn’t actually get married until just before I hit 30, but pre-30, I thought my chances weren’t looking too great.

And then, there’s the topic of children….

The first year of marriage, we waited to have kids.

The second year became full of hope & dreams of parenthood & of rounding out our new family with little ones to raise together.

Then the third year….

Then the fourth….

Then we were in Hokkaido, Japan, caught up to our previous chapter.

The Tests… the Prodding… the Supplements… the Charting…

I started seeing a doctor. Had embarrassing/awkward scans done, was told everything looked healthy: all inner reproductive parts were considered to be healthy shapes, healthy sizes, healthy placements, & my hormone levels looked in a good range.

I was “prime condition” for having babies as far as no organs being damaged or deformed or anything else being wrong to prevent pregnancy. The doctors all agreed I should have no trouble getting pregnant. My hubs even got checked out & he got a good report as well.

We were all set then! But just to help things, I started taking herbal supplements to help my body along. Then there were the temperature charting & ovulation tests galore.

6 Childless Years Passed…

None of it seemed to matter as year 3 moved to year 4 & then 5 & then 6… with no children.

Honestly, the monthly tests I got done at the doctor’s office & the supplements & the charting & the ovulation tests & the glowing reports that seemed to mean absolutely nothing…. Disheartening was an understatement.

There went my little girl dreams.

Was It All My Fault? Was God Punishing Me?

But beyond that, I felt like God was punishing me.

Punishing me for trusting in Him since I was 5 & not living up to being good enough to deserve it… like an ungrateful, selfish child who lives for herself.

Then there’s the whole history with depression. How could I raise kids when some seasons of my life… I couldn’t even take care of myself. I felt unfit completely.

I felt like this was my price. I hadn’t earned well enough being a mother.

And I felt like a disappointment to a husband who really dreamed of being a father.

I felt inadequate in so many different ways.

Raised Hopes! … Dashed Hopes

And then there was all the measures I was taking & all of it meaning nothing in the end. All the raised hopes at following all of my charting & all the rules & suggestions, being late… & then not… again.

Raised hopes! Dashed hopes. Raised hopes! Dashed hopes. Raised hopes! Dashed hopes…. That was the pattern that just kept repeating itself over & over & over again every month.

I prayed about it all those years but never got any clear answer, so I thought it was just ME. I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t doing enough. I wasn’t GOOD enough.

If this is you right now, in any of it. I get it. It hurts. A lot.

And it hurt a lot for a long time.

I Determined to Let God Decide

And then, through God’s open doors, starting year 6 of our marriage… we moved to Misawa, Japan. This time, near fellow Americans (aka ENGLISH speakers).

By then, it had been over a year since any doctor visits or tests or charts or anything. I had determined that if God wanted us to have kids, HE would make it happen in HIS timing, & if not, well then… not. Emotionally, I couldn’t deal with any more tests.

But… deep down… the longer that “NOT” lasted, the more I blamed our childlessness on myself for not being good enough… for not being deserving enough.

But Then…

While we were living in Misawa, I made the decision to join the Ladies’ Bible Study on base. We were not attending the chapel services, but were attending a little church whose body of believers has become so dear to me… but having fellowship with other ladies who could encourage & edify me was something I was very malnourished of in my soul, so I also attended the base chapel ladies’ activities.

In one Bible study with that ladies group, we went through “Breaking Free,” by Beth Moore & God used this study to TRANSFORM my views on having children. (You can find the link to that study, as well as other studies/books/recommendations that have personally had a strong influence in my life on my website @ www.michellehydeonline.com/recommended-by-michelle/.)

Basically, when the author begins the chapter on having children, I was bracing myself for the typical: “children are a gift of the Lord,” “motherhood is such a blessing,” etc. Talks that I see written in so many books to women.

But she went in a different direction with this, addressing even the BARREN WOMEN (aka those unable to have children).

Seeing It from a New Perspective

Beth talked about how, in the Bible, Elizabeth, in one sentence, was described as BOTH righteous AND barren (aka, being barren is not automatically equated with God thinking you don’t deserve it or with punishment).

“And they were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren….” (Luke 1:6-7)

Beth Moore also mentioned something I had never taken notice of before… that when the Old Testament (aka BEFORE JESUS) talked about “being fruitful & multiplying,” it was literally referring to filling the earth with children (Genesis 1:28), but when the New Testament references fruitfulness, it focuses more on duplicating your faith… sharing the hope we have in Jesus with everyone around us.

What Was My WHY?

In my praying & longing for children all those years, some constant that emerged was my WHY. WHY did I want kids so badly?

Well, 1. Because I just took for granted that it was the next step of life for a woman… 2. Because I wanted reassurance that God wasn’t withholding because I wasn’t good enough to deserve it… 3. Because of dreams of board game nights & intentionally walking beside my children to raise them in how to trust their all to Jesus in every season of life—hard, very hard, or wonderful.

God Has a Perfect Plan

And when I got to that chapter of that study… Beth’s words snapped all of my perspective to the weightiness of God’s extreme GOODNESS.

God was not denying me my dream. God was not depriving me. God was not punishing me. God wasn’t withholding because of my lack of deserving (because really, despite my not being enough—HE IS).

No, God was blessing me with the EXACT thing I longed so much for, but on a MUCH larger scale!

To Edify & to Encourage… So That THEY May Edify & Encourage

When Beth went deeper into this point, she talked about how mothers, their main focus & responsibility is poured into their children & raising them to honor & love the LORD God. But, with a barren woman, she has the opportunity & blessing of pouring into all of those MOTHERS, so that they are edified (built up) & encouraged (refreshed) to THEN pour that into the lives of THEIR children! … to bear much fruit & multiply faith in Jesus Christ!

Because I am not “in the trenches” of motherhood, I can come alongside those who feel discouraged or beaten up by life. I can remind them of Whose they are & where their hope can be found. I can point to Him as our hope in all things, living as a testimony in the dark, hard seasons of life… that even there, God’s hope can shine.

I am not deprived by my lack of children. I am honored with this gift to share with all of you & to be a display of His glory & goodness in your lives each week through every season of my life—even in the hard & even when it’s all my fault.

How Great Is Our God!

A grace-filled life indeed! Undeserving but loved by an ever-faithful, gentle, all-powerful, caring God. Not because I am worthy, but because He is enough for me even in my unworthiness.

What are you insisting you need that you may need to entrust to a God Who knows you better than you do & Who sees your future with perfect clarity?

Where is heartache eating away at you? Do you blame yourself? Do you blame God?

What do you need to take to Him & trust Him with come what may?

Shine HOPE by taking those hard questions to God & leaning into Him no matter His answer.

“Rejoice, O barren,
You who do not bear!
Break forth and shout,
You who are not in labor!
For the desolate has many more children
Than she who has a husband.” (Galatians 4:27)

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over 5.5 years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Meadow Basket Set (India)

These woven baskets are a fun and decorative way to highlight your favorite potted plant or organize other essentials.

*****Every purchase supports families in areas of extreme poverty in India.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

God Always Has a Plan

I was humbled so much during my time in Hokkaido, Japan.

In fact, coming through my loneliness in Guam & then on to the immense strain my brain experienced in Hokkaido (mixed with even deeper loneliness because of the great language barriers), is what pushed me to start this journey with my website & blog!

God showed me firsthand that not every person, whether missionary or expat or even living in certain areas or families—not everyone has Christian fellowship, support, encouragement, & testimonies of His HOPE around them to encourage & edify them every day.

We NEED each other. God made us for community. We are weak, fleshly humans with a tendency to stray after shiny things that look great but have nasty consequences either immediately or eventually.

So, here I am. I’m not perfect. I’m not the shining example you should strive to emulate. But I AM a woman who understands that the God of the Bible, the One TRUE God, is WORTH showing up for & pointing to through all of MY inadequacies & failures.

Zero Times

Speaking of me NOT being the shining example… Do you remember reading that I accepted Jesus’ FREE gift of salvation, Him paying my debt to God by dying in my place… at FIVE years old?

Guess how many times I had read the Bible all the way through by the time we were living in Hokkaido, Japan, 30+ years later?

Zero. ZERO times.

I had read the Bible, of course. I knew a lot of the retelling stories written about in the Bible. I could quote quite a few verses by then. (Sans the references because I am terrible at remembering those!)

I had listened to HUNDREDS of sermons at church in my lifetime, done a TON of devotionals & gone to a TON of ladies Bible studies.

But I had never read the Bible through, cover to cover, in all its entirety.

The Guilt, the Failure, the Shame… the Unwillingness to Change

That’s a LONG time to avoid reading through the whole Bible, don’t you think?

Maybe you’re sitting there thinking, “I can for sure relate!”

Or, maybe you’re sitting there thinking, “Are you SERIOUS? How can you call yourself a committed follower of Jesus???”

I definitely had some guilt floating around in my head over this that sounded much like that… but I honestly believed that because I read the Bible at church, in devotions, at Bible Studies, or when I searched for God’s wisdom relevant to particular struggles I faced… that it was enough.

I Was Fooled

The other stuff in the Bible just seemed like a long, drawn-out history lesson & I will tell you right now that history was never my favorite subject in school (it seemed so tedious trying to remember a million names of people & places & battles & bills & dates, etc. etc. etc.).

I ALSO realized that my attention span was not up to snuff when it came to sitting down to read more than a chapter or so of the Bible at a time. How was I supposed to read when I would get a headache or a ton of stuff was on my mind or I was tired & groggy or a lot was going on when I sat down to read, etc.?

I thought I just wasn’t good at that & that it wasn’t my fault I couldn’t read it more.

The Book That Changed My World

But I read a book that changed my world: “Andrew Murray on Prayer,” a compilation of works written by the late Andrew Murray, translated into English.

(You can find the link to this book, as well as many other book titles & Bible Studies that God has used to personally & strongly influence my life on my website @ www.michellehydeonline.com/recommended-by-michelle/.)

I went into reading this book because I didn’t really understand some things about prayer, like how I am supposed to pray or what I can pray for or how I know God will answer me, etc. & this book has some great help with that, but what I didn’t expect, was learning how I could read my Bible on a regular basis.

Where God Commands, God Provides

You see, one of the things that Mr. Murray addressed was that we are not meant to obey God strictly through sheer willpower, but with the help of God.

He walked through many a verse that share commands from God, pointing out a common thread in many of them… the words: “by faith,” “through faith,” “by God,” & “through God.”

In other words, when God commands, He also lets us know we need His help to do it!

Mr. Murray goes on to say that so many Christians end up burnt out or fake it because they’re trying to be good Christian people in their own strength & know-how & willpower, versus asking God for His strength & know-how & POWER to empower them in their obedience.

I don’t know about you, but I consider myself infinitely WEAK when I consider how great God is, so hearing that I can rely on HIS versus my own was mind-blowing & life changing.

Unnatural & Impossible to Me… But God Isn’t Limited

Mr. Murray continues by demonstrating how, when we seek to live in obedience to God in anything that feels absolutely unnatural to us in any way, whether due to upbringing, personal weakness, etc., that instead of avoiding said obedience, or justifying it because “we just can’t do it,” we ought instead to PRAY & ask for God’s HELP.

So, I took that to heart, recognizing for once that if it is God’s will for me to do something & He holds absolute power that is infinite in nature… He WILL help me. I can count on that 100%.

Then my Bible reading attempt scenarios began to shift from failure to prayer: “God, I [have a headache, feel distracted, feel tired, don’t WANT to do it, etc.], but I know this honors You & pleases You, so I want to do it anyway. Please help me make it happen despite _________________________. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”

And I wouldn’t wait until I “felt better” before I began… I would trust God would fill in because I knew this request honored Him. So, I would just start reading.

God Doesn’t Always Answer the Same Way, But He Always Provides

Sometimes the obstacle didn’t go away, but I would somehow have a strange sense of concentration & focus regardless.

Sometimes God would whisk away said obstacle altogether & I would read with ease.

Sometimes God removed the obstacle while I read & yet it returned when I was finished.

But EVERY time, God enabled me to read & stay focused on what I was reading.

God Can Even Help with the WHEN

And before we become tempted to believe it’s only in the want-to or the ability to do it… He ALSO helped me when TIME was the issue.

For example: “God, I know I promised to read tonight, but this thing came up & now I don’t have time. What do I do? I want to honor You most. Should I cancel? What should I do?” And then this urgency would come over me as if saying, “Read NOW.” I would argue, “But I have to be downstairs ready to go so I don’t hold people up if I am to go….” Again, “Read NOW.”

So, I would get out my Bible, open it up & begin to read. And wow, as I closed my Bible upon finishing that night’s reading, my hubs came running down the stairs saying, “Sorry! I had to finish something real quick that I forgot! Now we can go!”

Did I know that delay would come up? Nope.

Did God? YES.

Praying & bowing that to Him, allowed Him opportunity to reveal the WHEN, too!

God Helps Grow the Desire to Obey Him, Too

God helps us to obey Him! WOW! It’s not up to my flimsy willpower or desires or even having to know if I’ll have the time!

And let me also say that an embarrassing amount of obstacles were just me not wanting to do it… & He helped me with that, too.

I’m not saying I all of a sudden had a change of heart sometimes, but rather that I would bow that selfishness & unwillingness to Him, too, ask for His help to obey anyway, & would just sit down & read through my bad attitude, determined I would honor God even on the days when I didn’t necessarily feel like doing it.

What Side Are You Watering?

You have probably heard the saying: “the grass is always greener on the other side,” but I have also heard, “the grass is always greener on the side you’re watering.” In other words, if I am romanticizing NOT reading because it seems so much easier, takes less focus, doesn’t impede on what I’d rather do, etc., then it will be going against my downstream ease to instead do it. It will take practiced determination.

I had to pray about 90% of days the first year I determined to read my Bible daily, it seemed like… but then, the next year? Maybe only 80%, then maybe 50%… & so on.

And now, I read every night without hardly any resistance. Maybe down to 5% now?

I have been watering the side of finding joy in what God instructs… of finding joy in obedience to Him through honoring Him. Of learning to lean on Him on the days when I “just don’t wanna.”

I Am Not Made for This… & Yet… GOD

You know, the same is true for running this blog every week. I’m not fit for this. Some days I just feel so numb & checked out. Some days I just want to throw on sweatpants, plop on the couch, & binge tv. Some days I feel stubborn & selfish & don’t want to encourage anyone.

How could God call me to this when I am the way I am?

Because He knows HE is capable when I fall short. He knows He is sufficient where I lack. He knows HIS strength can more than cover my weakness. He knows HE can overcome & help me through every bad attitude & use it for my good even in showing His faithfulness when I’m least deserving.

God calls me… God calls you… not because we’re deserving… but because He is our Enough in & through it all... come what may… even on our absolute worst days… even when it’s our fault completely.

So, how do I do it every week? When I am the way I am? I PRAY. I trust He will be my HOW even when I can’t seem to muster a bit of it on my own.

God Can Help Us Obey Him

Where is this a struggle for you?

What have you convinced yourself that it’s not your fault that you’re just not good at something God calls you to do? Of what honors & pleases Him?

What side are you watering?

Do you struggle believing that the God who made you & this whole world can handle helping you through your insurmountable unwilling heart or obstacles that seem to tower too far above you?

God tells us to desire His Word (the Bible) as a newborn babe desires milk. (1 Peter 2:2) Do you have that same craving for His Word in your life? Do you need His help to grow this desire? Because, if it honors & pleases Him, you can be absolutely positive that He will be right there willing to help you do it.

Shine HOPE by turning your unwillingness, bad habits, lack of good habits, disobedience, obstacles, unwatered grass areas of your life… to the God Who is infinitely, absolutely, & completely ABLE.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over 5.5 years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Patina Earrings (INDIA)

Make a fair-trade fashion statement with the Patina Earrings! These gorgeous earrings feature a gold-tone hammered stud with a patina circle. These unique artisanal earrings are handcrafted in a workshop in India that’s committed to fighting child marriage and helping women become financially independent as fair-trade Artisans. Every purchase empowers these women out of poverty!

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Relationships Can Be Hard Sometimes, Can’t They?

If you have ever been in any long-term relationship, or even just consider the family you’re born into (your God-given long-term relationships), you know good relationships take work. They’re not easy.

We can be tempted to look at really happy couples online or celebrities or friends even, & think they must have it all together all the time, but I will tell you this right now… I guarantee you with absolute certainty that they don’t have it ALL together ALL the time.

Because good relationships require that you work on them.

There will be days where you feel at each other’s throats because you’re both in a bad mood. There will be days when you have pretty opposite opinions you both feel very strongly about. There will be days of misunderstandings & hurt feelings. There will be days where past trauma is triggered, even when it has zero to do with that other person.

Strong relationships are definitely worth it… but they’re definitely not always easy.

It All Felt So Easy in the Beginning

Well, we’re no different. Our marriage takes work. It takes loving through each other’s bad moods or bad attitudes, mistakes, & shortcomings. It takes prayer & trusting God’s way forward.

When we were dating, it felt so easy to be together. My husband was waiting on his job clearance & I was working parttime at the church where we met. Low pressure. Low stress. Few obligations &/or distractions. Just the two of us. (Who else sang that just now?)

We spent most of our free time together, not to mention that any church event or service found us side-by-side.

I was still working out my commitment fears as for a potential future together, but in each individual moment together, it felt easy.

We laughed a lot together. We had fun. We were silly & ridiculous. We went on long walks, played card games & board games together, we went out to eat together, we would sit & just open up about any & everything together. And we prayed together. It felt so easy to be together.

First Few Years?

We got married in May 2012, enjoyed a beach honeymoon in Mexico, & just 3 months later, packed up from our small apartment & moved to Guam.

Our new adventure awaited us as a newlywed couple.

I was wide-eyed & teeming with HOPE for our future together.

I had heard that the first few years of marriage were notoriously some of the hardest to go through, but I thought that was for sure not true for us. We were in love & happy & full of joy & bright expectations.

Bring on the Hard

But reality started to settle in… My husband’s job was demanding of his time & energy. I couldn’t seem to get a job anywhere. Friends were so hard to come by because of certain circumstances–I couldn’t get too involved in anything regularly because with hubby’s schedule, I could potentially miss my only chance to see him that week.

Then the fact that smartphones weren’t as common then.… (We had an international calling plan that allowed a 3-hour window & if my family wasn’t free during that specific 3-hour window, I had no other time to hear their voices or chat.)

I was far, far away from any family & friends. I had a hard time being able to plug in anywhere. My husband worked an insane amount of hours & was always exhausted when home. I couldn’t find a job. I was home… ALONE… all… the… time.

I felt like I had nobody. (Even now as I type, thinking back on that time in my life breaks my heart a little bit & gets me a little choked up because the hurt was very real.)

I had never known loneliness like I felt during most of my time living in Guam back in 2012-2015. From growing up around all my family & long-time friends, to a teeming social life in college, to this…. To say it was hard is a huge understatement. It was like life whiplash.

I Just Wanted to Go Home

Here we were, on the other side of the world from everything we had ever known & the first few years of our marriage indeed got very hard. Not bad, but hard.

My loneliness put pressure on my husband when he was already feeling enough pressure with his job. It seemed easier to argue than I ever thought could be possible for the two of us. It seemed easier to hurt each other than I ever thought could be possible for the two of us. And we never meant to do so, but it happened all the same.

I wanted to run back to my family in the states & pretend that season in my life never began. I wanted to go back to the easy happy. I wanted to go back to feeling I had a place to belong.

And this season lasted for about 1.5 years.

Amazing Things Happen When You Let God be in Charge

I was feeling some resentment, honestly, as wrong as that is. I didn’t know if I could ever get through or past the hurt I was feeling. I felt trapped by the hurts I was experiencing so often back then.

But then, something amazing happened. We started praying about it together whenever the circumstances were frustrating us.

We poured out our frustrations & hurts to God & asked Him to give us wisdom & a way forward… to the togetherness we so enjoyed & that came so easily before.

And you know what? God provided. God showed the way. God broke down walls I had built up in my heart. God eased my tensions. God filled me with impossible peace. God cared & God provided the bridge back.

God AS Our SOLUTION

God taught us how to direct our eyes back on HIM versus any problem that may arise.

He was our solution.

He was our glue.

He was our wisdom.

He was our help.

He was our bridge back.

God Is the Bridge Back in Relationships

What situation are you facing right now that just feels impossible?

What hurt in your heart seems to cloud everything you face?

What circumstance seems unsolvable?

Where in your life feels like there is no possible way forward?

Don’t believe that mumbo jumbo phrase: “where there’s a will, there’s a way.” You can have all the WILL in the world, & sometimes it just won’t do diddly squat.

What you need is PRAYER. What you need is the One Who holds the POWER behind PRAYER. What you need is God Almighty’s HELP. What you need is the grace of Jesus to wash over anything you may come across. What you need is the wisdom & way forward that only the Holy Spirit can provide for you.

When you face even the “unforgiveable,” take a minute to remember what Jesus gave for your “unforgiveables.” His LIFE.

We Need His Help to Forgive & We Need Him in Order to Love Well

What I need is prayer. Every single day. Even writing this today, I am convicted about two relationships in my life that hold some brokenness because of a misunderstanding or difference of opinion & I realize this isn’t just for marriage relationships, but I need to be praying for those relationships & a bridge forward all the same, because God is the solution there just as much.

Don’t let Satan tear apart relationships in your life. Don’t let him have the final say. Don’t let him distort & grow discontentment or resentment. Stand firm against it & PRAY OVER IT! God’s power trumps ANYTHING Satan can try to destroy. So–PRAY!

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.” (Ephesians 6:12-13)

Shine HOPE by trusting God to be your bridge back, no matter what seems to threaten your way forward. God. Is. ABLE.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty:

February 2024 Hope Mail

FOR A LIMITED TIME – Only available during the month of February! This exclusive February Hope Mail package makes a great gift for any occasion! Receive free shipping on this February Hope Mail package that includes our Midnight Tassel Bracelet from Uganda, Midnight Raffia Earrings from India, and our adorable Darkest Night Sticker mailed in a stylish Fashion as a Force for Good envelope.

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Confirmation Didn’t Erase My Fears

So, now I was official with this guy & I was totally panicky, too.

Sure, I knew God had confirmed it one way or the other, as I had asked of Him, but that didn’t take my fear of commitment away.

I was looking over my shoulder at every turn, so to speak… constantly wondering if maybe it was meant to be temporary & trying not to get too attached or lead him on or anything that could lead to any hurt whatsoever.

… Keep in mind that the one time previously I had ever fallen in love… once I was ready to consider marriage, God gave me a big “NO” I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand it because I hadn’t felt such a clear NO in my heart until AFTER I had fallen for the guy… so NOW, I did NOT want to allow that to happen again.

I was scared.

How am I Supposed to Know?

I also had words of others’ fears & heartaches floating around mercilessly in my brain: “Don’t get married unless you know that you know that you know that you KNOW!”

How was I ever supposed to KNOW? I can’t predict the future! Nor can I read minds!

This was just the worst. In a relationship… but too scared to enjoy said relationship because I was too scared to ever let my guard down & feel anything.

But, to be clear, I was pretty straightforward in my honesty during our dating relationship. I didn’t hide any of this from him, but prayed about it & spoke about it honestly.

This had to be God-led or I was out.

By MUCH Prayer…

So, instead of breaking up with him to protect either of us from hurt, I leaned on God & trusted for Him to guide me along the way through MUCH prayer.

I took it all to Him. I prayed, asking for confirmation throughout our relationship, just to make sure I was following His lead over my heart or my fears.

And God was so faithful to me every step of the way in my seeking His wisdom & reassurance.

There would be times I would pray about a very specific character trait I had learned I needed in a future spouse… things God had taught me. So, knowing He had taught me I needed them, I would ask Him to show me whether Jamie held these character traits, or at least the potential for them later down the road.

And every time, after praying silently & not sharing those requests with a single soul, Jamie would STILL somehow bring it up the very next time I spoke with him, as if he had read my mind or as if God had put him on a three-way call when I prayed.

God was faithful. He kept reassuring me. He kept leading me.

No Touchy

And one way God helped me know what was His lead versus my romantic daydreamy self leading, was by impressing upon my heart to give up any & all physical affection, to include even an arm around the shoulder or holding hands.

Maybe this seems a bit much to you… too much to ask… too extreme or unnecessary… but I knew that it was what I needed. I was too prone to slap those rosy glasses on the second a guy I liked put his arm around me or wanted to hold my hand, etc. IE. “*SWOON* We’re going to get married & have 3 babies &…. etc.” (You get the picture. It was pathetic but true.)

I didn’t want my very overly romanticizing heart to yank the reins from God’s hands & take over the second my heart swooned. It had to be for sure God-led or I was OUT.

I wanted God to have full control over the direction of our relationship & I didn’t want to ever risk clouding that discernment with romantic ideals & daydreams based on imaginings versus reality… feelings versus facts.

The Key? God Would Continue to be There to Help No Matter What

I never thought I could ever be sure about a guy. There were too many unknowns to account for… that I could never be able to account for because life is unpredictable…. How would I ever know?

But driving back from when my now husband eventually proposed, 7.5 months after our first date, I felt surer than I had ever felt about anything… because, as Jamie put it, “even though marriage holds a lot of unknowns & we can’t predict the future… he would be right alongside me through it all & God would be there to guide us no matter what came our way.”

No marriage will ever be perfect. God wasn’t wanting me to wait for a non-existent Mr. Perfect.

What He did want is for me to trust Him to know better than me on who would be a good fit for me. Not just with who I am, but who He will grow me to be… what our future held…. Not that the future would then be perfect, but that God would be right there with us in the imperfect.

Letting God Lead in My Dating Life

That really summed it up for me. Knowing God had consistently given me confirmation when I had asked for it…. Knowing God had given us both peace that wasn’t led by emotions first…. Knowing God would still be with us to help us through every hard season we would ever face.

God had us… & that is how we knew we could be confident despite the unknowns our future together held.

I had always rushed in head-first to every relationship in my past, so ready & desperate to feel loved & wanted… but the fears that consumed me had always caused me to run right back out of them even quicker than they had started the second the “L” word was even HINTED at.

But this time, I didn’t run in… I waited on God’s lead.

And I didn’t run back out… I trusted in God’s lead.

And even almost 12 years into it, I am not running out of it, because I know that no matter what we may face, God will be that same lead & same help through it every step of the way.

Who Are You Trusting to Lead You?

Does a fear of the unknown cripple you? Do you worry about making big decisions because you don’t know what the lasting consequences will be? Do you stay where it feels safe? Do you try to protect yourself the way that you know how?

Do you rush in, sure of your own abilities or assessments? Are you reckless with love or decisions in your life thinking it’s up to you to make the call?

Pray about it. Ask the God who KNOWS & doesn’t have to guess. Trust He cares enough about you to do as He promises & will provide wisdom as well as guidance in life.

What God Says About It

“Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5)

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)

He even tells us, straight up, not to trust or rely on our own understanding, but on His, through prayer.

Let God Lead… Trust He WILL Lead

Trusting ourselves can look like plowing ahead without consulting Him, but it can also look like staying where you feel safe & not trusting Him to be able to adequately lead you to your liking.

I’ve done both. I DO both sometimes even still.

But each time I am reminded that I really can trust Him… & I need to trust Him.

Shine HOPE by trusting Him when you just don’t know… & even when you think you’re absolutely, positively certain.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Heart Drop Earrings (INDIA)

These beautiful double heart drop earrings are handmade in India by women earning fair wages for their work. These earrings feature a gold-tone heart stud with a dangle heart pendant, to create a sophisticated fair-trade fashion statement.

*****Every purchase creates safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Have You Ever Felt Like You’re Never Enough?

I grew up with a heavy emphasis on the Thou Shalt Nots of the Bible. I don’t know if that’s something my church emphasized as I was growing up or whether it was just something my brain latched onto, but I always felt like I could never measure up to God’s standards.

I didn’t really understand that that is sort of the whole point. When I accepted Jesus, who paid my debt to God as a result, Jesus paid for me because I couldn’t. He offers that to anyone who will believe on Him as their hope & reconciliation to God because no one can live up to God’s standards. In fact, the 10 Commandments themselves are in place to show us our NEED of Him.

But I always tried to be good enough to earn the gift freely offered me. My whole life was a constant struggle of feeling like I was never good enough.

Hands on the Hips & Disapproving Raised Eyebrows

I felt like God was up in the sky, hands on hips, shaking His head at me pretty constantly, as if to say to me, “Nope, you’re still not good enough.”

Now, a part of me knew & understood that this was the whole point of why I need Jesus.

But still, I felt like God expected me to be perfect in exchange for offering me Jesus & I constantly felt like beating myself up because no matter how hard I tried, I always seemed to fall short of that.

It’s one thing to know in your head that it’s all, only Jesus that could save me & another to understand that He paid it ALL, even my constant inadequacies.

This doesn’t mean I should just mock Him by living however I darn well please. But it does mean I am a work in progress & will fail & miss the mark sometimes & that my salvation does not at all rest on my perfection, but on HIS.

Imprisoned by the Need for Perfection

I even got to the point where I craved getting drunk because I was just so tired of caring 24/7 about every little everything. I was trying to juggle my own goodness & never able to do it well enough & was constantly beating myself up for it.

I felt imprisoned by a perfection I could never quite live up to.

Fast forward to my time in college & for the first time, I started to see all around me examples of Christians living in freedom—seeking to live for God, but knowing they needed to be relying on God for this & not putting all the pressure on themselves to achieve what they could not.

But even with that influence, I was always tempted to ADD TO God’s grace… as if a “just in case” measure of extra grace would be required of me to secure God’s grace to me because I knew I didn’t deserve His grace, but I wanted to be worthy of it.

A Time Where I Couldn’t Feel God Near

Fast forward again to a year out of college & after 3 years of influence & encouragement in my faith at Liberty University, being on student leadership & just feeling God’s presence & leading like I had never known before (because all my focus was on Him for once), I hit a dry period in my faith.

If you’re a Christian, has this ever happened to you? Where, no matter how hard or how often you pray, you just cannot feel His presence or His leading in anything? As if you are praying to an empty void?

Well, coming from a time period where my life was immersed in feeling His presence & lead in my life, this was jolting.

My first inclination? “I must not be doing enough.”

I Thought I Had to DO MORE to Feel God in My Life

I thought that maybe because I was dedicated “enough” at Liberty, that maybe I wasn’t doing enough now & God was not listening to me because I wasn’t doing enough anymore.

This began my many attempts to rectify that.

I read my Bible more. (Check!)

I tried to pray more. (Check!)

I went to an extra church service a week. (Check!)

I tried to listen to & sing along with worship music more often & more emphatically/whole-heartedly. (Check!)

I tried to serve more. (Check!)

I thought I was doing well to earn God’s favor tenfold, but still… silence.

God Had Never Left

This didn’t make sense. I was trying to be the best, most dedicated Christian I could be, & yet it STILL didn’t seem like enough to get God to pay attention to me or come near to me.

Nothing I did was good enough.

STILL.

Well, this went on for some months & I was growing more & more exhausted & disheartened, as if God had just left me & had no intention of ever coming back because I just wasn’t enough to be good enough for Him.

And one night, frustrated, sitting cross-legged on my bedroom floor, I prayed & asked Him why I was never enough… why He would leave me….

The answer surprised me.

I Was Building a Bridge God Had Already Built

In my mind popped up the image of me building a bridge to God, but every time I got discouraged or slipped up the least bit, Satan would take that & knock down my bridge, as if all of my efforts had been completely pointless. But I kept trying again. I kept building. And it kept getting knocked down, tossing me back always to where I had started. I was tired & frustrated & wearing down.

But then, clear as day, God reminded me that He promises to never leave me nor forsake me… that I never had to earn anything… that I could not earn anything from Him. That Jesus paid it all. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

I didn’t have to build. Jesus built.

It was already done & it had nothing to do with anything I could ever add to it.

That I needed to merely rest on the FACT that whether I “felt” Him or not, He WAS THERE & I could 100% count on that no matter how I FELT. My problem was not whether or not He was there or whether or not I did enough to merit Him being there… but that I doubted His Word… of what WAS, whether I felt it or not.

God’s Grace Is Enough, I Don’t Have to Supplement

What a huge leap that was for me in understanding that God’s grace was ENOUGH. I don’t have to supplement.

Living for Him is not about measuring up or earning anything He has offered… it’s about living to please Him just because you know it pleases Him… to honor Him simply because you know it honors Him. Because you love Him, not because He needs you to, but because you want to.

I don’t have to earn what God offers freely to all who believe on Him. (John 3:16-17) If I don’t feel God, it’s that I need to trust He is there regardless of how I feel, not because I need to do more to earn His favor, because nothing I could ever do would ever be enough… that’s why… JESUS.

Shine HOPE by trusting God at His Word, even if you don’t “feel” Him… & by trusting that God, through Jesus, is ENOUGH… you don’t have to supplement.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Dewdrop Chain Studs (INDIA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! A dainty crystal stud with a drop chain is used to create each on-trend Dewdrop Chain Stud from India. These earrings feature a gold-tone base and chain adding a fun, edgy touch to your look.

*****Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!