Just Please Don’t be Awkward

I have gone through life mostly with the understanding of keeping to myself when in public spaces–minding my own business & putting on blinders when running errands & such. ‘Don’t be a bother… Don’t make others uncomfortable… Don’t be awkward,’ is sort of the idea.

Is that just me?

But then, I start praying about practical evangelism… you know, being willing to share about Jesus at the grocery store, hardware store, or anywhere else God may give me a little nudge.

Hard to do when your natural instinct is to keep to yourself, eyes down, focused on just getting what you need & getting home.

Hard to do when you have this inner nag to not bother or disturb anyone… not wanting to make a scene… not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable. Not wanting to be awkward.

God Sees Their Most Hidden/Repressed Thoughts

But then, I remember that God sees the deep, dark thoughts of every single person alive. He knows what goes through their minds when alone at night, with no one around to whom they may feel the need to project confidence. He sees their doubts… their wavering resolve… their fear.

I don’t. I just see “random dude in line behind me at the grocery store.”

So, I have been praying that God send me help in growing past this felt ‘need’ to keep to myself. To be available to any opportunity as it may arise. To have the confidence to be a lighthouse to anyone grasping in the dark for hope.

Take the Time to Look Up

And one of the first things God has begun to whisper over my heart is a simple little phrase: “Take the time to look up.”

Now, I don’t mean just to look up & pray, knowing He is not caught off guard & He knows just what to say & just what they’re worried about…. Praying is also quite necessary in this situation, though–because He DOES know.

But an urge to actually, physically, look up. To see faces. To smile. To make eye contact. To ask the cashier “How is your day going so far today?” To be actively friendly & to take time to SEE people who pass me by & to show them that they are seen. To take the time to look up.

I know it may seem small, but it’s just a starting point. It’s a first step.

Shame on Me for Doubting God

It frequently comes easy to me to strike up a conversation about Jesus when I am asked… or on my blog, social media, or website platforms… but when it’s a stranger who hasn’t asked, shown any interest, or has not noticeably come looking for answers… it all comes down to me doubting God when I feel that little nudge from Him on my heart.

Do I believe Him enough to risk looking like a fool in order to trust His lead?

It’s like that trust-building game where one wears a blindfold while the other directs them around obstacles… they can’t see where they are going, but they know the other person does.

Do I trust God to see what I can’t see? Do I trust Him to lead me when I can’t see where I am going, what to say, or what will come of it?

Do you?

A Prayer of Repentance

Let us take time to repent of any lack of trust we may feel bubble up in the form of discomfort right now… to say, “God, please forgive me. My hesitancy reveals my distrust. Even though You made the world & everything in it… even though You gave Your Son to die for my wrongs… even though You know all there is to know with perfect wisdom & understanding… I still doubt You sometimes. Please forgive me for that. Right my perspective. Right my focus. Help me to trust You more fully. Help me to care more about people rescued from Hell than I do about feeling like an idiot in public. Please forgive me & help me. I can’t do this without You. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”

Self-Checkup

What do you find yourself holding back from God?

Where do you find yourself doubting that He knows what He is doing better than you do?

What causes you to pause as you walk “blindfolded” & He leads you?

Where do you need to ask Him to forgive you & to help you trust Him more?

Shine HOPE by trusting God to lead you into uncomfortable situations for His glory & for saving someone from having to face the consequences of their own sin.

We ALL need Jesus. Amen?

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for SIX years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Elva Handbag (INDIA)

Create safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty in India with this stunning structured tapered handbag with a snap closure is creating dignified jobs for women in areas of extreme poverty in India! The Elva Handbag is made from smooth, warm cognac genuine leather bag and includes an interior zippered pocket, interior slip pocket, a drop handle, and a crossbody strap. The removable strap allows you to choose how you wear this must-have bag – carried by the drop handle or as a crossbody!

***Purchase this cute, handcrafted handbag using the Shop Here link below & empower women in India out of poverty!!***

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

#1 is PRAY. Financial help is great & helps pay my website fees & helps support these women artisans… but God’s help is always needed most… both for encouragement & for spiritual hope, through Jesus, for the women we support through our ethical fashion purchases. Always PRAY first.

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week living for His glory in all that you do!

Have You Ever Felt Like You’re Never Enough?

I grew up with a heavy emphasis on the Thou Shalt Nots of the Bible. I don’t know if that’s something my church emphasized as I was growing up or whether it was just something my brain latched onto, but I always felt like I could never measure up to God’s standards.

I didn’t really understand that that is sort of the whole point. When I accepted Jesus, who paid my debt to God as a result, Jesus paid for me because I couldn’t. He offers that to anyone who will believe on Him as their hope & reconciliation to God because no one can live up to God’s standards. In fact, the 10 Commandments themselves are in place to show us our NEED of Him.

But I always tried to be good enough to earn the gift freely offered me. My whole life was a constant struggle of feeling like I was never good enough.

Hands on the Hips & Disapproving Raised Eyebrows

I felt like God was up in the sky, hands on hips, shaking His head at me pretty constantly, as if to say to me, “Nope, you’re still not good enough.”

Now, a part of me knew & understood that this was the whole point of why I need Jesus.

But still, I felt like God expected me to be perfect in exchange for offering me Jesus & I constantly felt like beating myself up because no matter how hard I tried, I always seemed to fall short of that.

It’s one thing to know in your head that it’s all, only Jesus that could save me & another to understand that He paid it ALL, even my constant inadequacies.

This doesn’t mean I should just mock Him by living however I darn well please. But it does mean I am a work in progress & will fail & miss the mark sometimes & that my salvation does not at all rest on my perfection, but on HIS.

Imprisoned by the Need for Perfection

I even got to the point where I craved getting drunk because I was just so tired of caring 24/7 about every little everything. I was trying to juggle my own goodness & never able to do it well enough & was constantly beating myself up for it.

I felt imprisoned by a perfection I could never quite live up to.

Fast forward to my time in college & for the first time, I started to see all around me examples of Christians living in freedom—seeking to live for God, but knowing they needed to be relying on God for this & not putting all the pressure on themselves to achieve what they could not.

But even with that influence, I was always tempted to ADD TO God’s grace… as if a “just in case” measure of extra grace would be required of me to secure God’s grace to me because I knew I didn’t deserve His grace, but I wanted to be worthy of it.

A Time Where I Couldn’t Feel God Near

Fast forward again to a year out of college & after 3 years of influence & encouragement in my faith at Liberty University, being on student leadership & just feeling God’s presence & leading like I had never known before (because all my focus was on Him for once), I hit a dry period in my faith.

If you’re a Christian, has this ever happened to you? Where, no matter how hard or how often you pray, you just cannot feel His presence or His leading in anything? As if you are praying to an empty void?

Well, coming from a time period where my life was immersed in feeling His presence & lead in my life, this was jolting.

My first inclination? “I must not be doing enough.”

I Thought I Had to DO MORE to Feel God in My Life

I thought that maybe because I was dedicated “enough” at Liberty, that maybe I wasn’t doing enough now & God was not listening to me because I wasn’t doing enough anymore.

This began my many attempts to rectify that.

I read my Bible more. (Check!)

I tried to pray more. (Check!)

I went to an extra church service a week. (Check!)

I tried to listen to & sing along with worship music more often & more emphatically/whole-heartedly. (Check!)

I tried to serve more. (Check!)

I thought I was doing well to earn God’s favor tenfold, but still… silence.

God Had Never Left

This didn’t make sense. I was trying to be the best, most dedicated Christian I could be, & yet it STILL didn’t seem like enough to get God to pay attention to me or come near to me.

Nothing I did was good enough.

STILL.

Well, this went on for some months & I was growing more & more exhausted & disheartened, as if God had just left me & had no intention of ever coming back because I just wasn’t enough to be good enough for Him.

And one night, frustrated, sitting cross-legged on my bedroom floor, I prayed & asked Him why I was never enough… why He would leave me….

The answer surprised me.

I Was Building a Bridge God Had Already Built

In my mind popped up the image of me building a bridge to God, but every time I got discouraged or slipped up the least bit, Satan would take that & knock down my bridge, as if all of my efforts had been completely pointless. But I kept trying again. I kept building. And it kept getting knocked down, tossing me back always to where I had started. I was tired & frustrated & wearing down.

But then, clear as day, God reminded me that He promises to never leave me nor forsake me… that I never had to earn anything… that I could not earn anything from Him. That Jesus paid it all. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

I didn’t have to build. Jesus built.

It was already done & it had nothing to do with anything I could ever add to it.

That I needed to merely rest on the FACT that whether I “felt” Him or not, He WAS THERE & I could 100% count on that no matter how I FELT. My problem was not whether or not He was there or whether or not I did enough to merit Him being there… but that I doubted His Word… of what WAS, whether I felt it or not.

God’s Grace Is Enough, I Don’t Have to Supplement

What a huge leap that was for me in understanding that God’s grace was ENOUGH. I don’t have to supplement.

Living for Him is not about measuring up or earning anything He has offered… it’s about living to please Him just because you know it pleases Him… to honor Him simply because you know it honors Him. Because you love Him, not because He needs you to, but because you want to.

I don’t have to earn what God offers freely to all who believe on Him. (John 3:16-17) If I don’t feel God, it’s that I need to trust He is there regardless of how I feel, not because I need to do more to earn His favor, because nothing I could ever do would ever be enough… that’s why… JESUS.

Shine HOPE by trusting God at His Word, even if you don’t “feel” Him… & by trusting that God, through Jesus, is ENOUGH… you don’t have to supplement.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Dewdrop Chain Studs (INDIA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! A dainty crystal stud with a drop chain is used to create each on-trend Dewdrop Chain Stud from India. These earrings feature a gold-tone base and chain adding a fun, edgy touch to your look.

*****Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

My Childlike Faith Slipped Away… & I Went with It

So, my family watched Left Behind & my world was SHOOK. (Read about how that started in Chapter 2.)

All of a sudden, I didn’t want to run from my questions anymore. I NEEDED answers.

I looked up Bible verses. I asked questions of my Christian friends. I asked my parents & church leaders. I became obsessed with wanting to know FOR SURE that I had the right answer… the true hope… in Jesus… that I wasn’t believing amiss.

I remember being SO jealous of people at church that just seemed to BELIEVE what they heard without questioning everything.

That childlike faith was no longer in me. I wanted to know.

Looking Deeper

Now that I am older, I can see some things at play here.

1. Questions are not sinful. God is SO far above & beyond us, that it makes sense for us to not understand… & for us to want to—this is a reason why God gave us His Word, the Bible!
2. Satan likes to take these questions & make you tempted to doubt God altogether… either to render you fruitless in your faith, to make you miserable, or to make you turn away from God altogether. Be careful!
3. We need to make sure that our questions don’t get mingled in with a subtle built-in “excuse” to sin. AKA, “well, if God ISN’T real, maybe that’s okay because then I don’t have to feel bad about wanting to do something God calls sin.” BE CAREFUL HERE!

I was ALL 3 at different points.

It Started with Legitimate Questions–I Wanted to Know What (Who) I Could Put My Full Faith In

I had legitimate questions being a limited human being serving a limitless God. His grace is beyond reasonable because it’s completely underserved. He made EVERYTHING. Plus, the world around us claims so many lies that they believe 100% that it seems the current is constantly flowing AGAINST you.

But Satan also used the questions to make me doubt God & start trying to find “backups” “in case God didn’t come through for me.” I mean, sometimes I would pray for something—like the end of a struggle—& the hard would just remain… sooo….

I Wanted to See for Myself

And so then, number 3… I started using my doubts as an excuse. I didn’t WANT to keep acting in that willpower I talked about last week. It was tiring trying to be a perfect Christian all the time (in my own strength), seeing other Christians seem to care far less about pleasing God… wishing I could care less, too… wishing I could do things God called (or hinted as) sin without feeling so bad about even the thought of it.

I started thinking up “loopholes” to God’s Word (I put loopholes in quotes here because, really, God isn’t fooled.)

My very real questions became my “excuse” to bend the rules… to look elsewhere for happiness… “just in case.”

But boy was I setting the stage for my own ruin. I was heading toward destruction. Part of me knew it & part of me didn’t care anymore. I wanted to see for myself.

Heading Out into Choppy Waters

And so the journey became more & more choppy. I had so MANY questions & no matter how many people I asked for answers, I always came back to the same conclusion: “to err is human.” And that being true, how could I trust any answer given to me by any living human being or any human in history?

How could I trust a Bible I wasn’t around to see completed? What if it was all made up? What if it really was just a bunch of men coming together? What if it was faked?

How could I trust physical evidences of God, the Bible, biblical history, etc., if evidences were faked all the time about other things?

How could I prove God if I couldn’t see Him, hear Him, feel Him, etc.?

Okay, so I trusted Jesus to save me, somehow even in all of that turmoil… but what if there were other ways to God? What if I was wrong?

I grew up a Christian, in a Christian home. What if I was just brainwashed by my upbringing. Not lied to, but believing only because I was told it was what I ought to believe?

What if God just made me & saved me & just doesn’t care about me much beyond that? What if He doesn’t even know what’s going on on earth or just doesn’t care?

The questions swirled & raged & tormented me. Nothing in life felt certain anymore. Nothing made sense. Nothing was sure. I didn’t know what to believe. I was scared.

Then my depression began to spiral. And everything got a whole lot worse.

I Thought God Wasn’t Listening… But He Had a Plan All Along

I no longer had a firm, steady, sure foundation, so when the depression symptoms began to creep in & the consequences of that started to show themselves & Satan started to exploit all of that… I didn’t have anything to hold on to. (Read more about how to recognize the different parts of depression so you can fight back, here: “Understanding Depression with Discernment.”)

I prayed for freedom from it. It didn’t come.

I prayed for an escape from it. It didn’t come.

The lack of response reinforced all of my doubts & all of my fears. I felt like God could care less about me.

I cried all the time, begging Him to help me… & yet the inescapable, gut-wrenching pain inside of me raged on—there was no escape… no relief… no freedom.

I Went My Own Way… Big Mistake

I was a prisoner in my own mind. No help came. No hope was in sight.

So, my desperate hunger for happiness just consumed me. I no longer believed I could trust God could provide that for me… or would provide it if He could.

But the problem was that everything I turned to for happiness seemed to get ripped out from under me time & time again.

Desperation mounted. I begged God still. Pain continued still. So I chased after anything I thought could help me instead. And all of it failed me or proved insufficient.

Hiding Behind a Smile

I stopped asking for help because seeing someone judge me, not take me seriously, or just be plain clueless on how to help after I had mustered up every bit of courage to ask for help just left me feeling 10x more helpless. The despair would just engulf me completely because I felt it was proof that there was no way out.

I learned how to hide my pain behind a convincing smile, jokes, laughter… an air of “I don’t care because I’m just fine,” while inside I was giving up & losing hope.

“In high school, I learned to come home, greet my family, say something like, “I’m gonna go work on some homework!” with a pep in my step & a confident smile, walk calmly to my room, open & close it in complete silence, turn the lock, drop the smile, numbly walk to my bed, grab a pillow & a blanket, open my closet door, step in & close the door behind me as I slumped to the floor in the corner, hold the pillow up to my face & just sob (& scream) uncontrollably into my pillow until I had no more strength left to cry. Then I would slump against the corner wall against my pillow & just stare into the darkness for an hour or so, whimpering, begging God to make the pain go away. And when it didn’t, I started to think of ways I could kill myself with the least amount of emotional damage to my family.

For 2 years in high school, this is what a majority of my days looked like… & nobody knew.

Where Was God?

It was an internal gut-wrenching ache in me that was so completely overwhelming & all-consuming sometimes. No explanation either. Sometimes nothing even needed to trigger it. It made no sense—so when people asked me why I was sad, I had no clue how to even answer them because I just didn’t know… & that was frustrating beyond comprehension. It was maddening.

I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t let it stop.

I begged Him every single day.

He didn’t make it stop.

I doubted Him even more. Maybe He couldn’t help me. Maybe He just wouldn’t help me. Maybe He wasn’t enough. Maybe He didn’t care.

My hope was slipping away from me.

I wanted answers to my questions. I wanted to know 100% but every time God would give me a glimpse of relief or a happy day off from the pain, I would KNOW it was Him… a direct response to a prayer I had prayed… but then the doubts would win & I would accredit that relief to something else & move on.

All of My Support Slipped Away

All of my emotional crutches kept breaking.

My grades were trash… A’s & B’s turned into D’s & F’s, with occasional C’s.

Teachers that once praised me as the “good student” now saw me as someone who had given up & who didn’t care… so their faith in me evaporated & their praise & my good reputation went with it.

Many of my friends (not all!) were really no friends at all. I even got invited to a party with friends once, only to be uninvited because they had a limit & a boy someone liked had agreed to go… so I was dropped. Or the time a group of “friends” openly laughed at me, only to have someone speak up with a, “that’s not very nice” to their response of, “it’s just Michelle, who cares?” Quality friendship right there, huh?

I could do no right. I was a failure. I was broken. I was a burden. I was a joke. My pain was annoying. “Why can’t I just be happier?” I was frustrating. I was bleeding emotionally & no one noticed. No one knew how to help me. Some gave up trying. Others thought I was just dramatic. I felt alone.

So, I hid my pain away, pretending to be okay, crying alone in my closet most days when I got home as I described earlier.

The Night When Suicide No Longer Scared Me

And then came the night in my sophomore year of high school when I no longer cared to fight. I no longer saw any sign of hope. I had exhausted all of my failed attempts at happiness. My emotional crutches in life had all proved completely insufficient. I had nothing left. No safe space person in my life remained. I was alone. I had nothing to live for anymore. “Everyone’s life would be easier & less complicated if I just wasn’t in it anymore.” I was the problem & there was no other solution left.

Either God was enough or my life needed to end.

That was my final conclusion. There were no other options left. I was no longer scared of suicide.

Either God was enough or my life needed to end.

Either God Was Enough or My Life Needed to End

The weight of that reality weighed down on me so heavily that I could no longer hold up the weight of my own body.

I slumped off of my bed, slid to the floor, & lay face first flat on the ground with my arms at my side & I just wept into the carpet alone, while the rest of my world went on around me totally unaware.

And I cried out one more prayer to God & it was something like this:

“God, nothing works. I have tried everything. Everything that makes me happy, I have poured myself into only to see it’s never enough. Everything I relied on & cared about in my life has just slipped away from me. I don’t have anything left. I’m alone. I have nothing. I am nothing. I don’t have strength to fight anymore. I don’t care. I don’t want to try anymore. I just can’t do it anymore. I have nothing left. I can’t do this anymore. If You’re not the answer, there is no answer. If You’re not the hope, there is no hope. There is nothing. NOTHING works. NOTHING is sufficient. EVERYTHING has failed me. I have NOTHING. I need You. I need You so bad. I can’t do this anymore. Please help me. Please show me that You are here, with me, right now—NOT off in heaven ignoring me or laughing at me as I struggle… but HERE WITH ME. SHOW me that You CARE about me, that You LOVE me. Show me that I can trust You. I NEED to KNOW I can trust You once & for all. I NEED You because there is nothing else. I need You. If You are not able to sufficiently show me Yourself that I can indeed trust You completely & that You’re here & that You care about me… just KILL ME already, because I have nothing left. I no longer care about the consequences of my death because the pain is drowning me & I have nothing left in me to fight it anymore. Show me You are real, that You are right here with me, & that You care about me… or let me die. AMEN.”

Not the Words I Prayed, But the One to Whom I Prayed

There’s nothing magical about that prayer. If you are struggling, then memorizing or quoting that prayer will do you absolutely no good.

No—what it came down to was me recognizing once & for all that there is only ONE God. Only ONE hope. No other. No other emotional crutches, no substitutes, no supplemental supports I needed were going to give me hope.

ONLY GOD ALMIGHTY. ONLY JESUS.

ONLY.

Nothing else.

And when I recognized that & came to Him with nothing else as my backup & I prayed from that heart recognition….

Something that none of my efforts ever could accomplish happened in a single instant.

God Had a Perfect Plan

Chills spread across my body. The ache lifted out of me like it was being super-vacuumed out of me. The weight just dissipated instantaneously.

I felt free.

I felt light.

I felt HOPE.

Sobs of relief flooded through me & I felt like I could BREATHE for the first time in 2 years.

And in that moment, as I brought myself up to sitting cross-legged on my carpeted bedroom floor, I felt as if a warm embrace physically wrapped around my entire being & I felt a flooding sensation of LOVE & SAFE just fill in every dark crevice of my soul.

The relief I felt in that moment was indescribable & overwhelming. I cried… but this time, it was from a relief & joy that flooded me.

And all of a sudden, I knew that those 2 years were an undeniable demonstration of His gracious, loving MERCY… of His indescribably GOODNESS. Because now I KNEW He is Who He says He is once & for all.

God Knew Exactly What I Needed

My doubts had taken over my life & left me rocky & unstable & unsure & all of a sudden, all of that just was swept completely away by an absolute assurance that God is GOD & that when I have absolutely NOTHING… if I have Him, I have EVERYTHING.

He. Is. My. ENOUGH.

God knew I would tirelessly credit everything & everyone but Him… that I would always put something else in the credits of my hope & joy. God knew He needed to strip away everything else I relied on as my security & hope for me to see that HE IS my Hope.

I know I still get pulled away by comforts & other things I try to support me. I still fail & mess up.

But now, deep down, I have an assurance like none other… that all I really need is Him.

He Is Worthy!

Why do I do what I do? Because I want YOU to have that SAME ASSURANCE flowing through EVERYTHING in your life.

That He is WORTH IT. That He is DESERVING. That He LOVES YOU INDESCRIBABLY so.

Living for Him is an honor. Living for Him requires sacrifice, but only for that which is far greater.

Growing up a Christian—A Grace-Filled Life

Why is this series called “Growing up a Christian—A Grace-Filled Life”? Because grace implies an undeserving, & wow is that an accurate depiction of my life.

How often how ungrateful I am. How often I chase other things for comfort. How often I want to wallow versus pray. How often I want to live for me versus give my all for Him.

I will forever be a work in progress. It will always be a grace-filled life because I will never deserve it.

But THANK GOD He will never give up on me & that He will never stop loving me….

The same goes for you, too.

So, shine HOPE by taking doubts to Him… by learning from my experiences & coming to that conclusion that HE IS WHERE YOUR TRUE HOPE COMES FROM & that even if you lost it all… if you have Him, you have it all. SHINE THAT HOPE.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Forest Critters Ornament Set (NEPAL)

HOLIDAY EDITION – While supplies last! This adorable, festive Forest Critter Ornament Set from Nepal will add some adorable charm to your holiday decor! Each ornament set features four friendly forest critters made entirely out of 100% wool—a little fox, white bunny, gray squirrel, and an adorable hedgehog. Each Forest Critter Ornament Set is handcrafted using traditional wool crafting techniques that have been passed down for generations.

*****Your purchase provides a woman in an area of extreme poverty in Nepal with a safe job and fair wage.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Growing Up a Christian

I really don’t remember too many specific things from my childhood, following the biggest thing that has ever happened to me that one day, back when I was 5. (You can read about that, here: “Growing Up a Christian–A Grace-Filled Life, Chapter 1”)

I remember some people in my life at the time. I remember memorizing Bible verses for treats at church. I remember meeting at the Boys & Girls Club because we didn’t have a church building. I remember some of my friends.

But I also remember loving my children’s Bible. I loved the pictures, which helped me visualize the stories of past events as told in the Bible. I loved learning about God, even at a young age.

I Was No Angel Child

Now, this doesn’t mean I instantly became an angel child. Our sin/flesh/human nature is still very much in us after we accept God’s free gift of Jesus paying for our sin against God.

I still made mistakes. I still made wrong choices. (Still do sometimes.)

But God was working in me, even as a little kid. I had an insight few seemed to be aware of in themselves. I was acutely aware of sin & others’ excuses for their thoughts &/or behavior–& that sense annoyed people sometimes. It honestly annoyed me sometimes, too.

I began to struggle as a child because the human, fleshly side of me wanted to serve me… but the new spirit in me, born of a new life in Jesus Christ, wanted to obey God.

I Tried to Be a Good Christian… Without God’s Help

Back then, I really didn’t understand the fact that God was my missing piece in this battle as well.

As a human, I can only get so far on sheer willpower. And quite honestly, even having the will to do something in the first place.

I didn’t learn this until about 30 years later, back about 5+ years ago, through Andrew Murray’s book on Prayer, that we’re NEVER meant to obey God ON OUR OWN. We NEED His HELP to do it!

If you look through so many of the commands in God’s Word, the Bible, you will notice they say, “by God,” “through God,” “by faith,” or “through faith.” Faith in Who? GOD! We need Him to help aid us in obeying Him. We need His wisdom, & His will to enable us to obey Him. We HAVE to draw from Him & lean into Him through prayer, aka asking Him for His help & trusting Him to be faithful to give it!

But I didn’t know that back then. And I fought without His help… & oftentimes lost the tug-of-war with myself.

Knowing Better, But Still Wanting Me First

Because I had this God-given insight, even at a young age, I felt so much pressure to live up to every bit of insight I received. I could see excuses clear as day in others & it made me even more aware of my own.

I called this insight my blessing & my curse.

It was a blessing because I had a sense at all times what God wanted of me & even of those around me. It was a curse because I didn’t always want to know. I didn’t always want to do it or felt I couldn’t live up to it to the degree that I was aware of it & I didn’t like feeling uncomfortable when asked my opinion on something only to have them frustrated with my response. It felt overwhelming & impossible… too heavy a burden to carry. And I wanted to be liked.

I became more frustrated. I progressively felt more & more like a “bad Christian.” I wanted to do what was right, but at the same time, something in me didn’t. I didn’t understand that. I wanted to be a normal teenager when it came to that age. I didn’t want to feel so convicted about everything around me all the time.

I questioned my salvation because of it. I began to fantasize about alcohol misuse because of it. I didn’t want this burden of always knowing what was right when I didn’t always want to follow it. I wanted to be a little more clueless & a lot more carefree. I wanted to fit in.

God Offers Himself to Us… Even Before Heaven

I didn’t know that God wanted to interact with me in my life… versus just getting me into Heaven because of Jesus. I didn’t know then that He both wanted to & could help me live for Him & obey Him. It wasn’t something for which He was expecting me to be good enough on my own.

I didn’t know how to lean into Him & draw from Him… or that it was even possible/offered by God Himself. I thought to be a good Christian, I had to do it myself & WANT to. (Philippians 2:13)

Prayers felt like making sure I said all the right words, as if it were some trigger to get God to do something.

I thought prayer was just about asking God to help me get what I wanted… & when that didn’t happen… I thought He was saying He didn’t care or wasn’t involved in my life.

It was very confusing to me because I greatly misunderstood prayer & God’s working/presence in my life. But God wants to be Who actively leads my life.

God Can Work Anywhere–He Is Never Limited by the Darkness Surrounding Us

Then enter middle school. In 7^th grade, I went to public school after being homeschooled my whole life (other than 4^th grade).

I want to be very clear right now that I am in no way demonizing public school, nor do I believe any of us should.

God can work anywhere, even in the darkest of places—much darker places even than public school. Nowhere is out of God’s reach to work in the lives of those who seek Him.

AND, God can use even the worst life experiences to shape us & to cause us to recognize our very real, immediate need of Him.

But, moving on…

My Faith Was Tested & I Didn’t Exactly Pass with Flying Colors

With being in a public school, I heard all sorts of opinions on who God was, how many gods people believed there to be… how many “ways to heaven” people believed there to be… all the while asking me a little question I didn’t quite know how to answer: “How do you know YOUR God is the ‘right’ God?”

I was unprepared. I was caught off guard. I was shocked. I was embarrassed that I didn’t know how to answer.

And all of a sudden, my faith began to shake a little. A crack had formed. Questions began to pile up. I doubted God.

From that point on, my life with God was defined by doubts, tossing me around like a rag doll at some points in my life. Life all of a sudden felt uncertain & unsteady.

I believed, but I didn’t know why… & that really bothered me.

I Thought It Was “Un-Christian” to Have Doubts about God… So I Hid My Questions

But I stuffed all of those doubts down because I felt like a “bad Christian” for having questions. My parents worked with the youth ministry team at church & everyone knew them & I was afraid that if I admitted I had questions, it would reflect badly on them & on my family… that maybe they all would wonder if I was even saved at all.

So, I pretended not to have those questions.

… Until one fateful day that forced me to face everything I had tried to bury.

My family watched Left Behind, & all of a sudden, I seriously understood the weightiness of the fact that I better know what I believe once & for all, because if I didn’t, the consequences could be absolutely & terrifyingly devastating.

Let’s talk more about what came of that next week…. (Talk about a cliffhanger, huh?)

A Grace-Filled Life

Aren’t you so glad that God is SO patient with us? I am!!

Shine HOPE by allowing & welcoming questions, knowing God is not scared off by them. Go to God with questions. Take others’ questions to God, in prayer to Him for wisdom & through searching His Word, the Bible. 1. Don’t be afraid of questions, but also, 2. don’t let questions be a door for Satan to use to help you question God Himself.

Remember that fearing God is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 9:10). AKA recognizing that God is GOD & you are NOT, is the beginning of wisdom. And 3. don’t use those questions to fuel your fleshly desire for sin. Doubts do not equal worthy excuses to sin against God Almighty.

AND, ALWAYS depend on God’s help, asking Him for it & obeying, trusting He will be faithful in answering that. Your willpower will only get you so far… You NEED Him. And He WILL supply.

Amen? Amen!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Nepali Nativity Set (NEPAL)

HOLIDAY EDITION – While supplies last! The perfect nativity scene to add to your holiday decor! Each Nepali Nativity Set includes three figurines, Mary holding baby Jesus, Joseph, and a little lamb. This adorable nativity set is handcrafted using traditional felt-crafting techniques that have been passed down for generations. *****Your purchase provides a woman in an area of extreme poverty with a safe job and fair wage.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Our Tokyo Anniversary

I’m going to be honest with you—I don’t really know where this week’s blog topic is going. I’m just sort of going to write what’s on my heart as if we’re just chatting comfortably in my living room & see where it goes.

This has been a crazy last several weeks—from working, to Tokyo/Disney for a week, to typhoon prep, to living through a super typhoon & it’s aftermath. It’s been a roller coaster.

I wasn’t feeling well when we were in Tokyo. I got a cold, plus the added enjoyment of “that time of the month” & there were times during that week where I felt my feet were just dragging because although Tokyo Disney is a fun place to be… I felt like poop. I was tired, sluggish, achy, & like all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed & sleep it off.

But each day, I had to take those grumps to God, understanding tickets were already bought & we had already flown there & it was our anniversary week & I didn’t want to ruin it for my hubs either. No pressure, right?

I had to apologize to God for my grumpies many, many times & ask Him to forgive me for only wanting a solution my way (no matter how natural my way felt at the time) & instead trust Him enough to ask Him to be sufficient in my lack… & to help me have a good attitude/make the most of our trip.

God showed up, of course, in giving me enough strength for each day. It was still hard & it was still easy to have a bad attitude because it was hard… but God held my hand through it & just took me step by step in His care.

The Much-Talked-About Typhoon

And then we come home & all this talk of the typhoon was actually revving up versus slowing down—we get typhoon warnings a lot on Guam & a lot of them end up veering off & never reaching us other than some residual rain from its edges, so it’s not often I even feel concerned.

But this one was looking like a hit.

So, we began to prepare just like we would for any other typhoon… but I already talked about all that last week. (You can catch up, here, if you want: “Living through a Super Typhoon.”)

And I am so grateful to Him for so many reasons through all of that mess.

Overwhelmed & Drowning in Shock

It’s true… I didn’t feel I had any right to ask of God when He provided so much in our home’s protection through that, but God loves to give… not always in the way we THINK we want, but better.

When the worst of the aftermath shock & sticky, thick humidity kicked in, while I was sitting in pitch black darkness, unable to turn a light on or a fan or anything to get relief… knowing of how many people were suffering across the island from damage to their homes… I felt so overwhelmed by grief… like it threatened to just swallow me whole.

You know that feeling when you feel you have a frog in your throat & your eyes are burning, all because the sobs are just trying to force their way to the surface?

Have you ever been in total darkness & just felt consumed by it like they were dark walls closing in around you in your grief & you just needed to see the light of day trickle through it–any sign of hope–desperate for it even?

I begged… literally BEGGED… God to turn the power back on that night because I felt like I was falling apart. I was overwhelmed. Hope seemed a far ways off.

I Sometimes Feel Too Unworthy to Ask God for More

God had already provided in SO MANY ways. And so many others had it MUCH worse. How could I even imagine I was deserving of any more than all I already had been given?

I knew I didn’t deserve His answer to be yes—far from it.

But I also knew that HE was where my help comes from (Psalm 121:1-2) & that if ANYONE can give me some sort of relief where there seemed no available relief… it was going to be Him EVERY time.

And I ALSO knew that if God gave His only Son, JESUS, to pay the debt of all of our sins (John 3:16-17)… how much He MUST LOVE US & WANT to give us good things. (Romans 8:32)

So, I prayed anyway. I trusted Him more than how worthy or unworthy I felt I was. I trusted that He WANTED to provide for me & give me HOPE.

I’m Not Good Enough of My Own Merit

God doesn’t withhold goodness even from people who hate or reject Him… THAT’S how good He is! He rains on the just AND the unjust. (Matthew 5:44-45)

BUT, God also says that the prayers of a righteous person availeth much. (James 5:16)

On my own merit, I’m nowhere near righteous. God says even my righteousness is like dirty rags to Him. (Isaiah 64:6) He also says that we ALL fall short (Romans 3:23)

But I am declared righteous because of Whom my faith is planted in—Jesus. (Galatians 3:6); 2 Corinthians 5:21)

HIS righteousness is accounted to ME as MY righteousness because I hope in HIM.

So, when I pray to God for help, He is not looking down at me through the lens of my undeserving unworthiness… but through the sacrifice of His Son Jesus on my behalf. Jesus’ sacrifice MAKES me worthy even though on my own merit I am not.

Do You Trust God Enough to Ask?

It blows my mind how an Almighty HOLY God would love me so much.

God answered my prayer—not in the way I pictured it, but so much more in giving me a friend to go through the aftermath with me.

Do you trust that God cares enough for you to want to care for you in your dark moments?

Do you dare to ask? To believe He wants to? To believe you’re deserving enough not because of what you’re worth on your own… but based on the worth you have through all JESUS gave FOR YOU?

Do you trust that if God gave you His Son that He also wants your needs met? Even if not the way you pictured?

Do you convince yourself not to bother Him? Do you trust God enough to ask? Do you believe that to Him it’s NEVER a bother for His children to ask of His infinite, never-depleting resources? That He actually ENJOYS caring for you?

You’re Not Enough… And He Loves You Anyway

If you’re counting on you being enough… you’re not… none of us are.

But don’t miss the biggest thing ever—having the righteousness of Jesus accounted to you because of your believing on Him (rather than yourself) to cover your debt to God.

Don’t miss out on letting that HOPE flood your heart that come what may here on earth… THIS is your temporary home & if you trust JESUS, well, you have a MUCH BETTER place to look forward to than here!

Jesus is the light of the world, so if you feel darkness clouding your life… you need to look to Him & ask for His light to come into your life.

Shine HOPE by being willing to ASK God when you need help… without convincing yourself you don’t deserve it enough or that others have more of a right to it or that God doesn’t want to be bothered. Trust Him enough to ASK!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for almost FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Eucalyptus Mint Soap (India)

Artisans in India meticulously craft irresistibly fragrant natural soaps using traditional cold process techniques and ancient blends of moisturizing oils, herbs, and essential oils.

The invigorating and refreshing signature fragrance of the Eucalyptus Mint Soap is a natural blend of moisturizing and healing shea butter and pure oils, including coconut and olive oil with essential oils of eucalyptus and peppermint, which are well known for their soothing anti-inflammatory, anti-microbial, antioxidant, and decongestant benefits.

***Every purchase helps empower marginalized and differently abled women in India.***

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Let’s Keep Learning…

It seems there is no rest for me lately with lessons learned… hard lessons.

First was trusting God with moving where I didn’t want to go, leaving a place I wanted to stay, needing to wrestle with the anger, hurt, & fear to trust & learn to desire God’s will & plan over my own… then the chaotic move that had Satan seemingly throwing obstacles at our every turn, needing to run blind & just trust that God would clear a way where there seemed no way… then all the stuff with the house & needing to rest that in His hands… to 2 months ish of consistent sleeplessness, where I learned He is sufficient & faithful & can be my strength even when I have none & that He would thus also provide the strength I needed if I gave up sleep on purpose to honor Him with a regular morning quiet time… it’s been a trying year for sure.

God Proves Himself… I Doubt Him in a New Way… My Weak Faith

And now, this. Ugh. I feel like the Israelites going through the wilderness… hardship at every turn, yet God always provides & leads & proves Himself mighty, strong, worthy, & more than sufficient—He provided their food, water, made sure their clothing never wore out & their feet never swelled on their long journey (Deuteronomy 8:4; Psalm 78:20-25). That’s pretty crazy! PLUS, the grand rescue from Egyptian enslavement! And yet… they continuously grumbled against God versus remembering to GO TO GOD.

That’s me. Grumbling. Always grumbling…. The, “not agains” are too many to count.

You would think I would sit back & say, “After all that? Nah, I have nothing to worry about. God will take care of it somehow like He always does… I just need to turn to Him as my help & sufficiency!” But, no… I grumble with each new struggle.

Idols Aren’t Always So Obvious

I have been working through a daily devotional on food freedom, learning to turn to God versus anything else we may turn to… including food.

Well, for me, it’s mainly the eating out. “I’m bored… let’s eat out.” “I had a bad day… let’s eat out.” “I feel angsty & numb & want to feel SOMETHING… let’s eat out.”

Sensing a pattern with me here? An idol maybe? Yep.

It’s not just the eating out temptation as my go-to fix-all… it’s the tv binging some days, & the video scrolling for hours on my phone, or the gaming that starts as an hour & ends with the sun setting. These things have become almost synonymous with NECESSITY versus an option.

My Coping Mechanisms have become my idols–what I turn to instead of God as my help.

I’ve Come a Long Way, But There’s Still More Growing to Do…

You see, as you probably or may know, in my struggle with depression (not depressive thoughts, but the chemical imbalance in my brain that sometimes coats me in oppressive brain fog, numbing over, losing any care for anything because I just feel so full of NUMB in my brain that it’s sometimes physically tiring to try to get myself to care about something), I have come so far from where I once was.

And I thought I was doing pretty well.

I have learned that there’s a distinction between 1. the cause (chemical imbalance), 2. symptoms (brain fog, lack of motivation, tired, checked out), 3. consequences (feeling like every easy thing is way harder than it should be & noticing others’ responses to it), 4. Satan exploiting all of the above: “you’re a waste of space, you annoy everyone, you’re a burden, etc.” & 5. MY CHOICE in how to respond to all of the above: Trust God despite it staying hard, determining to set my focus on Him no matter how hard it may get… or spiral because Satan sounds so convincing. (Read more about these 5 distinctions in a previous blog post: “Understanding Depression with Discernment.”)

But I still have a long way to go… obviously.

What Exactly am I Afraid Of?

But, back to the devotional I mentioned earlier. She made a point about FEAR being a major motivator for overeating or eating poorly.

Her point was about feeling unworthy compared with others or something like that, but God has already worked me through the difference between my worth/value/beauty being completely separate from my HEALTH & caring for the one body God has made for & given to me. (Read more about that journey in a previous post: “Your Weight Does Not Determine Your Worth.”)

BUT… the fear thing stood out to me. I didn’t know why because that seemed a drastic thing to claim when I don’t consciously feel afraid of anything specific… especially not my worth being in question because of poor health.

So, I asked God to help me understand that. And as I continued the devotional, it all came to clarity… she asked me, as the reader, to list things that make me feel tense or afraid & as a counter to each, to list THE PEACE OF GOD as greater than anything I could fear.

And my response? My depression symptoms. The angst. The bored restlessness that seems surprisingly consuming at times. The empty numbness that sometimes envelops my brain. The screaming in my head to satiate, to run to comfort, to feel SOMETHING other than that. To hide. To run. To AVOID it.

Hiding My Fears Behind Coping Mechanisms

I thought my coping mechanisms were smart. I thought I was protecting myself. But in that great, strong security fence I had been building around myself, I realized it had inadvertently become my own prison… one of my own making… a sense of “go to those coping mechanisms, OR ELSE.”

I realized I had been hiding my fears behind coping mechanisms all along. That without them, I felt vulnerable… overwhelmed… treading water… my face tingling with anxiety… a weight on my shoulders & around my ankles that threaten to slowly drag me down to despair.

I thought I was doing so well, but I had placed my hope in “happy highs” that can never actually solve the problem or give me any real victory or hope….

The days I lose. The ambition that drowns in my avoidance of feeling all of the above. The empty hours. The wasted fulfillment. The perpetuating emptiness of time passed that can’t be regained. The looming threat.

Facing the Truth… That I Need Someone Greater Than My Coping Mechanisms

So, last night was rough. I was forced to face the truth… that my solution had imprisoned me.

I realized I didn’t know how to go to God in this. I didn’t know how to do anything but run, hide, & stuff. I didn’t know how to face it & overcome it. My coping mechanisms weren’t fixing the problem… they were helping me pretend I was AVOIDING it.

I realized that I didn’t actually trust God’s peace to be enough for me in this particular circumstance. My desperate rush to cover, hide, stuff, run, & avoid proved that.

And I’m afraid. I’m afraid of not running… of standing facing it… of being overcome by it if I don’t run. I’m afraid of losing to it.

I’m afraid God won’t be enough for me in it.

After ALL He has brought me through & ALL His faithfulness He has DEMONSTRATED to me… & I am here doubting… just like the Israelites.

It Took Me 3 Days…

Our sermon at church this week was “How to Lose Your Spiritual Way in 40 Days,” based on the Israelites going quickly from “whatever God says, we will do!!!” faith (Exodus 24:3; Exodus 24:18) immediately to drunken orgies & worshipping a golden calf because Moses went on the mountain & didn’t come back right away (Exodus 32). After ALL God had JUST brought them through miraculously & more than sufficiently (Exodus 15)! WHAT?!?!?

And here I am. Doubting God, too. After ALL He has brought me through even just this past year.

A Prayer of Surrender to Trust God… Even in This

“God, please forgive me. My coping mechanisms have clearly become a stronghold in me. I hold onto them. Satan uses them to convince me I need them more than I need You… or instead of You… that they will serve me better. And I have unknowingly bought into it hook, line, & sinker. Please forgive me! It just feels too much. I hate falling prey to my symptoms… of feeling vulnerable to them… of facing them versus running. I’m too scared. I can’t do it. Help me. Please forgive me. Help my unbelief. You are enough. You are ALWAYS enough. And You’re always faithful… & gentle… & kind… & You gave everything for me, through Jesus, when I didn’t & don’t deserve it. How can I doubt Your sufficiency & willingness here? You’ve proven Yourself. You are worthy of praise, God! Help me set down these chains. Take down my security fence. Become my refuge… my fortitude. Help me to rest in You as sufficient & nothing else. NOTHING ELSE. Help me re-write fulfilling coping mechanisms, with You at its center, clinging to You as my Hope, Guide, Counselor, Faithful Friend, Strength, & Sufficiency! You ARE Enough. I believe, Lord, Help my unbelief. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”

Is there anything you’re running to instead of to God? What is your personal stronghold that you feel you NEED in place of God’s peace? Where do you feel God’s peace won’t be sufficient for you?

Shine HOPE by going to Him in ALL things. ALL THINGS. His peace… GOD’s peace… is sufficient!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts”!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FOUR years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Mabel & Walter the Bunnies (Vietnam)

LIMITED EDITION – while supplies last! Cuddly, soft, and lovable, Mabel the Bunny is adorable, mini, fair-trade fun with her cute pink flower and carrot accessory. Each bunny comes with an adorable carrot that is not attached to the bunny making it perfect for creative play! Artisans in Vietnam hand crochet each bunny with soft cotton-blend yarn and neutral cream, black, and pink colors that make this stuffed animal the perfect gift for any occasion or decor. Each huggable bunny is hand stuffed by visually impaired women in areas of extreme poverty.

Have you met Mabel’s best friend, Walter the Bunny? They make quite the pair!

***Every purchase of Walter or Mabel the Bunny provides fair-trade jobs for local women and villagers who are overcoming disabilities, homelessness, and extreme poverty in Vietnam.***

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

An “Impossible” Peace

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)

Have you ever stopped to consider what it really means to have peace that goes beyond your understanding?

I have talked on this before, but as I am learning more about daily, moment-by-moment surrender to God, to include my very grumpy mornings as of late, this concept of impossible peace has become a comforting, non-understandable companion of mine. And I want you to see how you can have it, too.

Many a Sleepless Night

You see, it has been a long time since I have slept well. And, while many have conjectured the reasons, whether it be hormonal or anxiety or whatever else, there really isn’t any clear explanation at all as to why I am not sleeping much.

It’s always different. I feel no anxiety or worries floating around in my head. I’m not thinking about anything at all & in fact, constantly feel in a state of “I’m about to drift off” but sometimes never actually do. The reason for my lack of sleep is never consistent.

There’s the stray dogs that gather outside our bedroom window & decide to join as a chaotic choir of shrill, loud barks in the middle of the night at random times. There’s my husband’s leg that jerks along with his dreams some nights as he sleeps. There’s the inconsolable itches in my nose or a clog I can’t seem to adequately clear or a tickle in my throat that threatens to explode into a barrage of loud, wake-the-husband coughs that I strain to contain. Sometimes it’s a fold in the sheets under my leg that my brain fixates on with hypersensitivity, like I am embodying the princess & the pea. And in the course of one single night, sometimes it is ALL OF THE ABOVE.

It has been rough. I’m not going to lie to you about that.

The Hard Hasn’t Stopped… But…

Some nights, after HOURS of “almost there, almost about to drift into deep, blissful sleep” moments where I am jerked awake by any one of those things I mentioned above… after hours of being so sleepy, so relaxed, so on the edge of slumber, but unsuccessful… well, sometimes I resort to silent screaming into my pillow, whimpering pathetically as quietly as I can, or just giving up altogether & just getting up.

In fact, after resorting to all three of those a few nights ago, I eventually sat down at my dining room table at around 4am, put my elbows on the table, put my face in my palms, & I just sat there & sobbed for about 20-30 minutes.

Frustration. Exhaustion. Maddening countless failed attempts to sleep. It was all too much. And this, mind you, is after MONTHS of this happening several times a week, if not more.

And I have prayed. OH HOW I HAVE PRAYED for it to stop so I could JUST SLEEP.

But no relief comes. But….

Does God Really Care? Even When It Stays Hard?

And to be honest with you, when times like this, where troubles just kept coming at me with little to no relief & my prayers seemed to be to no avail, I was really, really tempted & sometimes full-on gave in to doubting that God even cared about me at all.

Shame on me.

But God has been preparing me for this very season through my personally learned lessons of surrender lately. He’s been teaching me that He is enough when I am not even close. That He can be my strength when I am depleted. That He can hold me up & lift me when I feel sunken into the ground in defeat.

He really is enough.

And that’s what I want to urge you to consider. That He is enough, even when it makes absolutely no sense that you can feel you have lost everything & still have everything.

His Peace Seems Impossible When It Is Present on the Darkest of Nights

Impossible peace is not so impossible with God.

It is very much possible… through crying out to Him AS your help in times of trouble.

*Now, there is a pre-requisite, if you will… Knowing & accepting His Son, Jesus, as your Savior from your sin. We all sin. We all deserve Hell. But God offers hope, through Jesus. Do you know Him? (Read more about that in “Have You Met Jesus?” & “Am I Going to Hell?”) Because THAT peace is what your heart really craves above ALL else.*

You see, I used to think that crying out to Him as my help in times of trouble meant that I need to trust Him to fix everything for me so I can just be happy again.

But no. That’s not it.

Praise Him in Every Circumstance

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

“I will praise the Lord at all times.
    I will constantly speak his praises.” (Psalm 34:1)

This peace that goes beyond understanding, this IMPOSSIBLE PEACE, means that EVEN WHEN THE STORMS STILL RAGE… you can have peace through Him.

That is why the disciples could sing praise to God while sitting in prison. (Acts 16:24-25)

That is why God says to praise Him in every circumstance. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

That is why God says to not lean on our own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

How You Can Have Impossible Peace

My physical body is weak. I am tired almost all the time lately. I wake up so many days mad at my alarm, signifying that time is up… no more attempts for sleep tonight….

And I have a lot to surrender lately because of all that.

And I may feel like I am breaking, but I am not broken.

I may feel weak, but He IS my strength when I call out to Him.

My days may start off with an angry, temper-tantrum worthy attitude of frustration, but when I ask God to forgive me for it & I ask Him to be my enough somehow that day… He shows Himself quite enough for me every time.

How can you have impossible peace? Through calling out to Him AS your help.

I don’t like feeling weak. I don’t like feeling like I have to ask for help in the dumbest, littlest ways as if I am completely worthless… but let me tell you what… I like knowing He is enough, always, 100%.

Am I Willing to Surrender This to Him as My Help?

The question I have to ask myself when I am being broken down is this: “Am I willing to surrender this to Him for help? Am I willing to entrust my nothing for His everything? Or am I going to demand to feel I am enough on my own?”

Satan Wants Me Broken… Wants Me to Quit… But God Wants Me to KNOW God Is Enough, Even If

I strongly believe that my lack of sleep is spiritual warfare. If you doubt Satan does stuff like that, just spend some time reading the book in the Bible: Job. (Job) Because there is no clear reason, nor any CONSISTENT reason why I can’t sleep.

I feel like Satan is hating what I am learning about surrender, aka taking my lacking & knowing I can trade that in for God’s everything if I am but willing to surrender to His help versus demand I feel adequate on my own again.

I feel like Satan wants me to throw in the towel & say, “Heck no! This is NOT worth it! I feel tired all the time & it is so HARD & I HATE hard! Forget it! I want it to be easy again! I don’t want to NEED God for even the tiniest things! It’s TOO HARD! I quit!”

But God whispers gently the reminder that each & every time I have chosen surrender on those very hard mornings following bad sleep… that God was faithful… He showed up… He helped me put one foot in front of the other like a constant Companion & Guide… He comforted me in my most uncomfortable moments. That He was very much ENOUGH for me.

I am But Human… Thankfully, God Is MORE

Am I tempted some mornings to listen to Satan & throw in the towel & quit & say, “But I don’t WANT it to be HARD anymore!” Yes. Sadly, yes. I like feeling the lie that I can take care of myself just fine & rely on a restful night sleep after a long day so I can wake up refreshed & ready for the next day, feeling strong. I WANT THAT SO BADLY when struggling to sleep in the middle of the night!

But God has been giving me impossible peace each day when sleep happens to elude me. He has helped me see I can trust Him with more than I thought.

My Excuses… My Fears… Compared to God’s Everything

And He has shown me another very important thing through this hard, sometimes so frustrating journey… that my previous struggle of merely being a light sleeper kept me from thriving because I always chose extra chances for sleep versus taking time with Him every morning before I began each day, worried I wouldn’t sleep enough otherwise.

But now, I barely sleep anyway. And yet… God has shown Himself more than sufficient for me through it….

And if He is sufficient when I get no sleep, how much more so if I am getting less sleep ON PURPOSE because I desire to give Him honor by spending time with Him before I start each day, asking for His help & guiding hand to lead my thoughts & actions.

Satan wants me to stay stuck. To say, “See, you’re never guaranteed sleep… so just set your alarm as late as you can… or don’t set it at all… just in case.”

But if God can prove Himself to be more than sufficient in this season of intense & agonizing sleeplessness, then He can supply for me what I need in order to take some time each morning, intentionally, to spend time honoring Him each morning before I start my day.

No more living in fear of lack of sleep. I’m not getting much these days anyway.

I Can Have Impossible Peace… Even IN the Hard… & SO. CAN. YOU.

Time to surrender even my fear of not getting enough sleep to God & time to start asking Him to give me enough clarity of thought to spend time dedicating my day to Him each morning… even if I don’t get ANY sleep… & even if it means risking less sleep.

Because He really is enough. And He really can supply “impossible” peace… even when it seems, well, impossible… if I am but willing to surrender my need to Him AS my help.

Shine HOPE by not letting Satan call the shots or discourage you away from all the many ways God can stand in the gap for you & be your more than enough… by determining to rely on God’s impossible peace.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts”!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FOUR years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Kaia Earrings (Philippines)

These elegant eco-friendly earrings feature ethically sourced, sustainable, capiz shells that local families harvest from the bottom of the sea surrounding the Philippine islands. Artisans handcraft these natural capiz shells into blue ombré teardrop shapes and then wrap them in silver-tone metal frames before adding silver-tone fishhook ear wires.

*Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages for women in areas of extreme poverty in the Philippines.*

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Do You Ever Wonder?

When the lights go out & you crawl into bed for the night, alone with your thoughts… do you ever wonder: “Am I going to Hell when I die?”

Maybe during the day you make conscious effort to do the right thing & be a nice person, & so you are good at burying that little annoying doubt under loads of feel-goods… but when you’re alone with your thoughts… are you solid in convincing yourself? Or does that little nagging doubt follow you like an ominous shadow that you can’t quite seem to shake?

How Can You Know?

Satan definitely likes to make Christians doubt the power of God on this point, but for some, that nagging little doubt is a nudge from God’s Spirit, letting you know that the way you are headed, no matter how laced with good deeds & good intentions, is leading you straight to Hell.

But how can you really know for sure?

I don’t want you to live with doubts & wondering. I don’t want you to be weighed down by anxious thoughts & worry. I want you to know that you know that you know. Once & for all.

And trust me… there is a sure way to KNOW. (If you haven’t read last week’s post, that’s a very good place to start: “Have You Met Jesus?”)

You Need to KNOW, So You Can Shove That Annoying Little Doubt Away for GOOD

You see, I want you to know the truth. That if you have not admitted to the sin in your life… those things where you went your way over God’s or did any scrap of wrong AT ALL (God is pure, holy, & perfect, so our sin naturally separates us from Him, no matter how “small,” “infrequent,” or “inconsequential” you may try to convince yourself it is)… you are going to Hell without Jesus. NONE of us have ANY chance without Jesus. So it’s really important that you know Him.

Are You Willing to Just Chance It?

No amount of good deeds will ever give you the rest & assurance you’re seeking, because deep down, your heart knows that will never be enough—no matter how hard you may try to convince yourself otherwise.

No amount of being a nice or good person will ever even the scales in your favor. Any amount of wrong in your life separates you from God.

No amount of knowing all the right answers in church, or perfect church attendance, or going to every church function, or doing all the right “churchy” things.”.

No amount of being generous.

No amount of trying to feel good about yourself.

You’ll always come up short… miss the mark… do you really want to take that chance?

Do you really want to risk eternal anguish & suffering by hoping you can do “enough”? … to risk never experiencing the calm, contented, PEACE & LOVE of Heaven because Maybe you’ll make it in?

What Is Hell?

You may say, “well, Hell can’t be that bad. Heaven sounds boring anyway.”

No, my friend. Hell is complete & absolute, eternal separation from God. While on earth, you still experience His goodness & love, mixed with the hurt, stress, & pain results of sin in this world. But in Hell—take out the good parts… leave only the pain.

You don’t want that & God is NOT forcing you to go there because you’re “not good enough.” Because NONE of us are. ANY sin makes us separated from God. ANY. (Romans 3:23-24)

It’s not that the “beyond saving” “have to” go to Hell. Or that only the “bad” people go there. No, we ALL deserve Hell.

But… JESUS

But… Jesus. “Have You Met Jesus?” He made a way possible. (Romans 6:23; 1 John 3:16; John 14:6; John 3:17)

Don’t let yourself remain tormented with that nagging question: “Am I Going to Hell?” Because you can KNOW you’re not, because the way to Heaven doesn’t depend on what you can offer, but what God already offered, through JESUS..

Jesus came down from His heavenly throne, to be born as a man, so He could be our once-and-for-all perfect sacrificial Lamb, giving HIS life to redeem OURS. (1 John 1:9; Isaiah 53:4-6; John 1:29; Matthew 1:23)

But… How?

You don’t have to get cleaned up first… that would take eternity & still not happen 100%.

You don’t have to be good enough or earn it… because none of us are & none of us can.

All you need is a humbled heart that says, “Lord, I’m sorry. Please forgive me for all of the ways I have wronged you, big or small. Forgive me. Please, Jesus, cover my sins for me. Thank You for paying my debt FOR ME! Amen.” (Romans 10:9-10)

“This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” (Romans 3:22-24)

“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.” (John 3:16-17)

“If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.” (Romans 10:9-10)

It is the gift of God. Have you accepted?

Am I Going to Hell?

Do you know for sure? Have you made your peace with God? Have you surrendered your sin to Him in exchange for the gift Jesus offers?

Don’t be content just trying to bury that question… SQUASH it.

Be SAVED from your own sin-debt to God. Let Jesus cover you in everlasting, assured HOPE.

It is definitely true that Satan will try to derail & decommission even a Christian by harassing them over a mistake they have made, whispering “are you really saved?” But, JESUS paid for that, too—so don’t let yourself or Satan forget that!

Shine HOPE by taking your sin to the feet of Jesus & asking Him to cover your sin… to be your Savior… to be your HOPE.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts”!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FOUR years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Liberty Necklace (East Asia)

This beautifully feminine necklace is made by women rescued from brothels in East Asia. Every Liberty Necklace is totally unique with real dried purple flowers displayed in clear resin and set in a round silver tone frame. Every purchase helps support a sex-trafficking survivor in East Asia with safe housing, health care, trauma counseling, job skills training, and dignified income.

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Surrendering to Hope

If you have ever faced tragedy, this is a question that could possibly have crossed your mind: “How am I supposed to hope in God when all feels hopeless?”

Lately, I have been talking a lot about the topic of surrender. (You can read those, here: “Surrender to God When His Plan Contradicts Yours” & “True Joy Comes in Living a Life of Surrender”). Well, this topic is really no different, but I want to share an encouragement with you to start off this conversation.

Let’s Start with Some Encouragement

Just like I mentioned last week, when I surrender to God on any given occasion, I am not numbing myself from what I want (to keep myself from hating God). Nor am I just tossing it to the wind as if to say, “Fine, whatever. I guess I don’t get what I want then,” hoping against all hope that maybe God will someday “change His mind.”

It’s not a surrender to the numbing. It’s not a surrender to the whatever happens, fine.

It’s an ENTRUSTING to an Almighty God who loves you so much that even knowing you wronged Him, knowing you could never do enough to “even the scales,” & knowing you could never hope to be good enough to earn reconciliation with God because of your fleshly sin nature… He made a way possible for that by sending Jesus, Who WILLINGLY paid your debt for you so you could receive forgiveness & reconciliation to God if you but put your faith & hope in HIM.

And it is no different when tragedy comes crashing through your life like a devastating tornado of destruction, ripping apart your hopes & dreams & everything you love… When everything turns hopeless.

How to Hope in God When All Feels Hopeless?

So, I ask again. HOW can you hope in God when all feels hopeless?

It’s a valid question from the perspective of human flesh. We can’t see what He sees. We can’t KNOW what He knows. And to us, to me (sometimes too often), it feels incomprehensible that a God who gave SO MUCH to express His love for me, through Jesus, could ever do anything or ALLOW anything that could crush me so deeply.

But He does. He does allow it sometimes.

And yet… He is still GOOD.

How can that be?

Obedience Breeds Trust

I have been down that path many times. Struggling with depression throughout most of my life, I have gone down some pretty dark paths & questioned this very thing many, many times before.

Do you happen to remember a post I did last year maybe? About how we ought to “Want to Trust God? Obey Him”? How I incorrectly tried to seek how I can trust God better SO I can obey Him better? How I thought that seemed a righteous goal to pursue, but later, God helped me to understand the distrust & the selfishness it displayed because it was a sort of “vetting process” where I wanted to know I believed God & understood everything to my comfort level before I would be willing to obey Him? I wanted the control.

How the Truth of it is that Trust is actually bred OUT OF obedience, because it is ONLY through a taking of God at His Word—before I have vetted it—& obeying first, that I can actually step back & see, “WOW, that made NO sense to me, but I did it because He said to & it actually WORKED!!”

I Have Asked Those Questions

The same is true in the midst of tragedy & devastation.

It is in those moments we often most want to scream for a way to trust God somehow, some way to get through this & when it stays hard & it doesn’t get better, we want to scream AT Him. We want to pull away in bitter hurt. We want to turn our back & give Him the silent treatment because our prayers seem to be falling on deaf ears & the more we pray, the more silence we feel in return, & the fear becomes, “if I ask one more time without relief from Him, I am afraid of what that will do to my faith or how I would end up dishonoring God with my anger, so I will just stop asking because I can’t handle more of it.”

Anyone else? Just me?

I have been through those dark days. I have craved an end to my life. I have been in a place that my deepest anger was the fact that I was too afraid of hurting others by ending my life because I wanted to just end it already. End the pain. End the struggle. End the hopeless, crushing weight that I carried.

I have been there. I have asked those questions. I have wondered how to hope in God when all feels hopeless.

Back to Surrender

And back again to surrender… to the entrusting… to the obeying first to build the trust we crave… where all the pieces slide into place….

How can you hope in God when all feels hopeless?

By determining to trust in God & His goodness & His love & His sacrifice for you–even when all hope feels lost.

You may not feel it. You may feel hopeless. But DETERMINE to cling to TRUTH, even when you feel it just can’t be.

Entrust the pain & circumstance to Him… to His goodness.

A Desperate Prayer of Surrender… to HOPE

Be willing to drop to your knees & say, “God, I get it. I live in a world FULL of sin because we all have sin. And as a result, I know that sin causes pains & hurts to plague this world.. But this pain is TOO MUCH. I can’t bear it. I’m too weak. I’m crumbling beneath the weight of this. I CAN’T HOLD IT ANYMORE! Help me. Please. I know, deep down, somehow some way… that You ARE Good. I don’t see it right now. All I see is my painful circumstances. But somehow… I know it’s true even if I can’t see it right now. Help me cling to You, Father. My grip is weak. PLEASE help me hold on. BE my strength. I don’t have enough. I need You. Please be my help. Be my shelter in this storm. Be my enough. Hold me. Help me to keep crying out to You & be my comfort through this valley of death & darkness. ‘Lord, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me. Your rod & Your staff, they comfort me.’ (Psalm 23:4) Remind me that ‘You go with me & You never leave me, nor forsake me.’ (Deuteronomy 31:6) Keep my eyes on You as the storm rages on & don’t let me be swept away in it. Be my anchor. Be my steady, firm ground. Help me to praise You still, even when all feels lost. With You, there is always hope & I don’t see how that can POSSIBLY be right now, but help me to trust You with it despite all appearances. Help me to be obedient in my hope, even if I am not sure how yet to trust You in this. In Jesus’ wonderful, mighty name, AMEN.”

He Is with You Always, Even to the End of the Age

Don’t give up, dear one. Don’t let satan tear you to shreds through this trial or any to come… even if you have to cry in a whispered breath, “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24)

Put on your armor, GOD’S armor, as demonstrated to us in Ephesians 6:10-18.

DETERMINE to cling to the GOODNESS of God, even if you can’t see it right now.

Shine HOPE, by demonstrating hope in God even when all feels hopeless, knowing He is fully worth your entrusting of your worst trial to Him.

It is okay to not be okay. It’s okay to not be enough. That is why we ALL NEED HIM.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my newly added FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts”!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FOUR years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Caribbean-Coast-Bracelet (Haiti)

This ethically made green, turquoise, and light blue bracelet from Haiti features three genuine amazonite stone beads and coordinating glass beads accented with silver-plated accent beads. Designed to coordinate with the Willow Bracelet the naturally varying shades of genuine amazonite stone make each stretch-to-fit Caribbean Coast Bracelet unique! Every purchase provides jobs for women in areas of extreme poverty in Haiti and helps mamas keep their babies out of poverty orphanages.

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Don’t Believe the Lies

Have you ever felt pressure to be “good enough” to be loved?

I grew up believing I wasn’t good enough. In my perception, I was too fat, not pretty, & anything good I accomplished seemed to be because someone else helped me get there. I talked too much, was too loud, & had too many emotions. I was too silly or not fun enough, depending on my mood.

Basically, because of those things, I felt like I would never be good enough to be loved.

Not Ever Feeling Good Enough Made Me Always Nervous I Would Lose Friends

This perception of my value translated to how I felt about interactions with both romantic interests & friends alike. I felt like I was the ugly fat friend who was a complete joke to most everyone else around me, trying my best to be funny or something to hold some value in different friend groups, to hopefully distract from the many bad qualities I felt I possessed.

When I tried to “dress cute,” I felt like a clown trying to look cool but failing miserably–giving people “reason” to laugh at me.

If you haven’t read my old post: “Trusting God, Losing Friends, & Finding Myself”, it also talks about how this led me to become the class flirt, hoping I could earn some attention that way… but that didn’t end up quite as positive as I had hoped & the constant act felt like if I slipped up at any point & let my guard down (aka was myself & not the image I felt others wanted to see), then my friendships would just fade away & leave me a friendless loner.

A New Kind of Pressure–Church & Social Media Culture

But this post today isn’t about my past or my insecurities growing up.

Though I have grown older & God has helped me overcome many of those fears & hurts of my past, growing in me a deeper confidence in who He made me to be & letting that be enough, I have noticed a different kind of pressure emerging around me.

Both church culture & social media culture have grown to have some damaging effects of its own. Now, I am not saying that these are evil or anything as shocking or generalized as that, but rather as a warning to be sure that we break these trends or at least don’t succumb to them.

Church Culture Can Often Become Pressure of Perceived Perfection

In church culture, the pressure can become almost palpable to be the perfect, smiling, shining example we ought to be of a perfect Christian woman… hiding our faults & our sin temptations & our struggles… our hurts, our doubts, & our failures… all in hopes of “fitting in.”

But let me remind you of something right now. We are all naturally sinful… we are bent toward evil. Our flesh still wants its way… EVEN AFTER we submit our sin to Jesus’ paying for it on the cross..

And we can sugar coat it in layers upon layers of denial & justifications & downplaying it, but it’s there all the same. Even Paul recognized it in himself! (Romans 7:14-15)

Only God is GOOD

We don’t become good just because we accept Jesus’ offer to pay our sin debt to God Almighty. There is no magic sauce that is poured over us that washes away our fleshly desire to bend toward sin. Only God is good.

Even Jesus mentions this fact when He is called good & He responds with: “Why do you call Me good? Only God is good,” knowing the man he was speaking to did not consider Him God, but man. (paraphrase) (Mark 10:17-18)

God Offers Us His Power to Overcome Sin (When We Turn to Jesus), But That Doesn’t Mean He Removes Our Sin Nature

It is definitely, absolutely true that once we accept Jesus’ gift, that God sends us His Holy Spirit to guide us & that God breaks the chains that sin had over us, so that we can choose NOT to sin & OVERCOME sin (with His help & power), but the desire to sin is not washed away.

How damaging it is to pretend otherwise! Even Paul did not shy away from admitting his own wrestling with it—& for great purpose! Because if we all think we’re supposed to have no desire for sin, yet we are tempted to sin, yet we all pretend we aren’t tempted… then that just communicates to other Christians that we feel we have it together… aka, then why do they NOT have it all together?

We Ought to Be Transparent

“This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief.” (1 Timothy 1:15) Notice how he doesn’t say he WAS the chief of sinners… but that he IS the chief of sinners.

We ought to be transparent. We ought to bear one another’s burdens! We ought to pray for & with one another through those struggles! We ought to be honest about the fact that while we are imperfect, God is perfection! While we are prone to sin, God is holy! While we fail, God does NOT!

Don’t strive to look perfect. Strive to point to Him as perfect.

Yes, strive to honor & glorify Him in all you do. Yes! Do that! But in that, don’t pretend you always get it right & never slip up.

God Knows We Need to Be Honest in Our Weakness to One Another

I struggle with depression, as you probably know by now, but while that is not sinful, the fleshly pull I consistently have is to let myself succumb to all the lies of exploitation Satan likes to yell in my heart while I am weak. I don’t want to have to trust God IN the hard… I just want the hard to be GONE! So, a major sin pull for me is to just selfishly demand the end of that hard OR ELSE I doubt God & draw away from Him in bitterness & hurt feelings of betrayal.

But let me tell you, God has shown me that if I can find a safe person to share that temptation & struggle with, AKA my husband, & let him know how much I am struggling & ask him to pray with me when I don’t feel I have the strength or will to pray for myself… it helps break the chains Satan is trying to wrap around my neck with all of his lies.

Satan wants us to struggle alone. He wants us to pretend we’re perfect. He wants us to feel like we’re the only one who can’t seem to get it right. He wants us to think when we fail that everyone else just wants to obey God 24/7 in ALL things so that we only want to withdraw, isolate, & are more vulnerable to his deception & exploitation of our weaknesses.

So stop pretending! Stop being okay with letting other people feel like they have to pretend!

BE A SAFE SPACE for someone else.

Strive to be Holy… Don’t PRETEND to be Holy… There’s a Difference

It’s not up to you to act like a picture-perfect Christian, because guess what… none of us are.

God calls us to BE holy, to strive for holiness, aka to live in a way that seeks to honor & please Him with all that we think, say, & do (not to earn His favor but because we know it pleases & honors Him & because He is SO deserving of it!) but He knows that doesn’t mean we will never want to sin anymore.

What a harsh lie/burden to put on ourselves to believe otherwise… because absolutely no one can live up to it at all times.

The Extreme Pressures of Social Media to be “It”

And I see the same thing just exploding on social media, with all the different apps & “influencers” who take 30 pictures to get that right one to post (guilty!), who trim off a few pounds or adjust the lighting or cover blemishes or erase wrinkles… all in the name of saying they have it all together & are worthy of your following, but to the end of feeling they never quite measure up to the perceived perfection of the rest of the world.

“I don’t have a boyfriend… & no wonder because I can’t seem to ever get my [hair, skin, body, life] to look like hers.”

“I don’t have any friends… probably because I’m not as [successful, all-together, confident, cheerful, pretty, etc.] as her.”

We need to stop letting this pressure to compare to others’ scripted, edited, faked life make us feel like we’re not good enough to be loved… that if we just did more, were more adventurous, more friendly, more successful, etc. etc. etc., then maybe, just maybe, we would have more deep friendships or have our dream relationship.

I Don’t Have to be “Good Enough” to be Loved

You don’t have to be “good enough” to be loved. Period.

There is no perfect standard that others have achieved–guaranteed.

There is no person who does not have their own bend toward a specific sin desire–guaranteed.

There is no person who never makes mistakes & gets it right all the time–guaranteed.

So, if you are alone (or feel like you are) & you wonder why… ask God. Start there. Because I guarantee you that it’s not at all because you’re “not good enough.”

Always Ask God for Help & Wisdom & Help Trusting His “Enoughness”

Say, “God, I am so tired of trying to pretend perfection to be liked. I feel so much pressure for it & I don’t see how I could possibly be liked if I stop. But God, help me to trust You more than I do. I am trying to be the one to make it happen, but help me trust Your leading instead. Help me to have confidence in how You designed me & show me what that design is even more clearly. Help me to know how to stop trying so hard & instead, help me know how to better lean into You for Your help & Your enoughness. I’m sorry that I always feel the need to supplement. Forgive my unbelief & help me believe in You more. You are enough, I just don’t know how to rest in that. Help me learn to love & trust You more. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Shine HOPE by allowing your imperfections to show, relying on God’s perfection to help you live His way, versus trying to pretend you can be perfect in & of yourself… & by removing the pressured lie that you have to be good enough to be loved. You’re already so loved by the God Almighty Himself!

Coming Next Week

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As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

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Arise Bracelet (East Asia)

This colorful and fun stretch bracelet is made by women rescued from the brothels of East Asia. Each Arise Bracelet features genuine dyed agate stones with mesmerizing “crackle” textures, 14k gold-plated accents, and a soft navy tassel.

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