Apologies Aren’t Easy
I am a stubborn person. I am also proud.
I struggle admitting wrongs…. And I justify this to myself because my wrongs are usually not intentional.
Maybe I’m tired & feeling overall just more critical of others.
Maybe I’m emotional & someone triggers a hurt or an insecurity tucked deep inside.
Maybe I am having a day filled with a series of unfortunate events & you are the last straw & therefore receive my pent-up frustration & anger that had been mounting throughout my day.
But I fool myself in the aftermath… “they know I’m tired, they get it…,” “they shouldn’t have said that to me to trigger that response…,” “they knew my day was rough, why did they have to make it even harder for me?”
… “They should have known better.”
Wronged or Not… I Choose How I Respond (or React)
But here’s the thing.
Maybe they did make my day worse somehow. Maybe they were being careless with their words & not mindful of how they would hurt me. Maybe they were having a bad day too & shouldn’t have taken it out on me…. But…
But, I still have a choice in how I respond.
I should have taken that hurt to God & asked for Him to help me respond in grace, trusting Him with my burdens & with help in my response… but I didn’t… And that’s on me.
Maybe it’s unpracticed to go to God when emotions rise & so I react without much thought, but that’s on me to practice patience, to practice leaning into God instead of taking it into my own hands, responding out of emotion versus God’s help.
Taking Ownership for My Part
Recognizing my part in it doesn’t justify the other person’s actions, but it DOES take personal responsibility for my OWN actions.
I have seen a post floating around the internet saying that we need to stop apologizing & instead THANK the other person, for example: Instead of, “I’m so sorry I’m late,” to say, “Thank you so much for waiting!”
Now, I get it. I understand what they’re trying to say… to show gratitude for the grace given instead of highlighting the negative in the situation.
BUT this needs to be used with discernment because there is a time for both.
If being late, for example, was entirely avoidable & yet I practiced poor time management or just wasn’t making any effort to prevent any wait on their part, an apology… an ownership of that wrong… is necessary. If it was unavoidable, I can maybe stick with the “thank you” since it was not of my own fault, but again… use discernment.
Words DO Hurt
I get it. There are some days that I feel I am at the end of myself & I just CAN’T with my day… & I’m sure it’s that much harder for moms who often don’t get a break & have to keep being a mom despite being at the end of their patience with that day (or that child).
But please hear me on this—ESPECIALLY with small children—THEY WILL REMEMBER YOUR WORDS. And for small children, those words are often internalized & help form their personal identity… & those words will echo in their mind every time they make a mistake, every time someone says something negative to or about them… “Mom said it first & if even my own mother feels that way about me deep down & wasn’t shy about saying it when she was upset, it makes sense that everyone else probably secretly feels that way about me, too….” those words will echo long into adulthood.
When someone reacts harshly & acts unkindly in times of emotional distress, it comes across as what they’ve been thinking all along.
And for children, oftentimes those words become their own inner dialogue, the measure they use to determine if they’re even worth being loved or wanted by others. “If I annoy my own mom enough for her to say those things, it’s only a matter of time before others realize it, too… what can I do to make people like me more & overshadow my bad qualities so they think I’m worth it & won’t leave me or be annoyed with me?”
And oftentimes, those words create a hole that they try to fill in all sorts of ways, trying to prove to themselves that those words weren’t true (or distract from it if they were true). Maybe they compliment or give gifts. Maybe they flirt & show more skin. Maybe they drink & try drugs. It’s all to cover the flaws & be wanted.
Be careful with your words. Bow your raging/swirling emotions to God. Respond with grace. And APOLOGIZE where needed. Because I promise your words DO matter.
Repent, Pray, Apologize
When I refuse to apologize I dishonor & hurt God.
When words hurt others, it causes division, unrest, & pain. And when my pride keeps me from owning up to my part, I am letting the other person hurt, hoping they’ll just forget about it so I can move on freely… just to save face.
But they know. They remember (even if they’ve forgiven you). And so does God.
So please, PLEASE, apologize to your spouse, your child, your friend, & anyone else. Practice turning to God in your distress, anger, frustration, & exhaustion versus lashing out or taking out your frustrations on others.
Make a POINT to apologize. Don’t just move on & hope they understand you were just misbehaving because of a bad mood… because oftentimes it seems more that the truth finally came out & everything else you say could have its sincerity measured by the words you spoke in those times of anger, frustration, or exhaustion.
Repent. Pray. Apologize.
Who Do You Need to Apologize To?
Does anyone come to mind as you read this?
Maybe you’re thinking of your own inner dialogue & hurts & insecurities that you’re trying to parse through yourself because someone you love never took ownership & apologized to you.
Maybe you feel a pang of guilt because you know you’ve done this to someone else…. & you never said “I’m sorry I hurt you because I was hurting. That was wrong & I’m sorry. I should have taken it to God in prayer, but instead, I took it out on you. That was my fault & not yours & I’m sorry.”
Pray about it. Be honest with yourself. Own your part, even if they also played a part. Own your part.
And apologize. Restore the brokenness caused by your carelessness &/or pride.
It’s Never Too Late… Until It Is… Don’t Allow Satan a Foothold in Someone Else
Don’t allow Satan to exploit those reckless words in the heart of the receiver.
Apologize to God & ask Him for the words & courage & the opportunity to restore the wrong you made.
And it’s never too late. Maybe years have passed & you feel it’s too late to go back & resurface that situation. But if they are rehearsing those words in their own heart, you most likely will NEVER know it. They may not even recognize that they are still holding on to it.
So, no matter how long it has been or how justified you feel it was… if you did not respond kindly, with patience, in a God-honoring way… take ownership for your part & apologize for that.
*Oh, the freedom it brings when you apologize! It sets that captive free! It smashes that hurtful, damaging inner dialogue to pieces & prevents Satan from using it any longer in their heart! It sets the captive free!*
The Power of an Apology
I know it’s hard & painful & maybe even embarrassing. It feels icky & doesn’t make us look so great.
It’s humbling.
But honor God by apologizing for your part.
Shine HOPE by recognizing the power of an apology & by releasing the chains you may have unknowingly shackled onto someone else’s heart in your own time of hurting or distress.
Shine HOPE by saying, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, no matter how mad or frustrated I was, it wasn’t right & I’m sorry for taking it out on you instead of taking it to God. Please forgive me.” Restore. Rebuild. Apologize.
Coming Next Week
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