I Live with Depression

If you have been following my journey for a little while now, you probably know that I struggle with depression.

Depression has been a regular companion of mine for the most of my life & ebbs & flows with the severity of its symptoms. Sometimes I just feel worn out & a little out of it, other times I have brain fog that makes me go numb & check out, while other times sink me into a dark hole so deep I fear I may never come back out again.

I always understood depression to be only the last one I mentioned above, but depression takes on different forms in different phases of life.

But one thing I have learned in this lifetime battle is that depression is the devil’s playground.

Sometimes I Feel Like a Broken Human

Depression makes me vulnerable. When at its worst, I feel I lack any value because of how checked out I feel in any given situation. I don’t feel I can be “on” for people—you know, humor people & smile at socially appropriate times & be engaging & fun. I just feel numb—so numb that I feel broken.

The regular me becomes trapped under layers of uncaring numbness from the lack of serotonin &/or dopamine. I am still me, just with a thick cloud of numbness engulfing my passions & ambitions.

Because of this, I feel helpless when it gets bad. I feel stuck & trapped & sometimes like I am drowning.

Misunderstood

And people typically don’t get it—understandably. And they want me to just turn “on” & stop acting that way… when I genuinely can’t.

I mean, I got pretty good at acting back in my first two years of high school, after receiving many “looks” & unwelcome responses… but deep down, I knew I was lying to everyone around me, drowning in it alone… misunderstood.

All of these outcomes of depression often make me vulnerable & insecure… misunderstood.

I want to be what people want from me. I want to be the ambitious, determined, friendly person buried in all the blah, but I just can’t… & again, it makes me feel broken, beyond repair… misunderstood.

Depression: The Devil’s Playground

And Satan knows & sees all that vulnerability & insecurity in my weakest phases of my depression.

He knows the lies to whisper to me late at night, reminding me of the weird looks or responses from friends & family who don’t understand why I have inexplicably changed… why I am not as engaging or friendly or “on.”

And because I am in a vulnerable state during my lows, it’s so easy to believe those lies & that shame… & withdraw, thinking their lives would be better & less of a burden without me in it… that’s why depression is oftentimes associated with suicide, because, if left unchecked, believing all of the torrent of lies satan pours on your head… it can feel completely helpless & hopeless of any relief.

But I have to be on guard even more when the lows make their rounds back again, taking up the armor OF God (Ephesians 6), determining to grasp onto God’s Truth as my lifeline—because it is.

Cling to Truth

I have to remind myself of verses I have learned. I have to remember to pray instead of withdrawing & giving up. I have to be diligent in shutting out those little whispered lies of hurtful stabs to my heart.

Depression is the devil’s playground because he likes to kick when we’re down. He likes to exploit our weak spots & insecurities. He likes to lie & say people are better off without us burdening them with our brokenness.

BUT THEY ARE LIES.

And I have to determine to cling to Truth so I don’t get sucked into the vortex of shame, brokenness, & pain.

God As My Anchor

I have to determine to remind myself that IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY.

I have to find a friend who is a safe space who will remind me of that & pray with me through it & not demand I shape up or get out… to sit with me in the lows & not need me to be “on” for them to keep me around.

Right now, I am not drowning. I am not in the deep end.

But I feel it. I feel the claws of numbness reaching out to me.

I feel the uncaring, checked out feelings hovering over me.

And I am determining to not give in to become the devil’s playground… to instead stop, accept my weakness as human & cry out to the almighty God for His mighty hand to hold me & keep me going.

Victory In Jesus

Depression used to feel like a curse… like something I would not wish on my worst enemy. A deep void of nothingness & pain.

But I have grown to see it a little differently over the last few years, as I have learned how much of the pain is from giving in to believing satan’s lies versus the depression itself.

That depression makes me weak & vulnerable, yes.

But that the reality is: we are all weak & vulnerable… trying our best to be strong & capable—getting us into trouble. And depression reminds me of my humanity… that victory comes only in Jesus.

A Curse Turned Blessing

Depression reminds me of my very real human need for God.

Depression reminds me that I am not God… but that He IS.

Depression reminds me of my need to learn & to tuck His Truth inside my heart.

Depression reminds me that I am just human & that that is all I am really meant to be—human.

Depression reminds me of why I need Jesus. I am weak. I am flawed. But I am offered grace because of Him.

I Need Him… & Depression Reminds Me of That

He is God. I am not.

He can. I can’t.

I need Him. You need Him. We ALL NEED HIM.

And our reliance should be on HIS ability, not our own.

So, I don’t hate my depression anymore.

Do I enjoy being reminded of my human weakness? No, not really.

But do I enjoy being regularly reminded of my need for Him? Definitely yes.

It’s Okay to Need God’s Help… Because, in Reality? We ALL Do

If you struggle with depression—with lower-than-normal levels of serotonin &/or dopamine, know that it’s okay not to be okay… that it’s okay to be weak… that it’s okay to need God’s help.

Don’t allow satan to play with your vulnerabilities. Don’t let him lie to you & manipulate you.

Determine to cling to God for help, in prayer. Determine to cling to Truth & God’s armor, as laid out for us in Ephesians.

And don’t let your depression become a playground for the devil.

“God Is Our Refuge & Our Strength… Our Very Present Help in Time of Trouble” (Psalm 46)

If you don’t struggle with depression, don’t expect your friends to always be “on” for you. Let them know it’s okay to just BE sometimes… that you would rather have them with you like that rather than to keep your distance. Be their safe space. Pray WITH them, FOR them—when you are weak & vulnerable & feel broken, sometimes it feels like you’re drowning too much to pray—so pray WITH & FOR them.

You don’t have to know the answers & be what they need, because you know the One who does know the answers & Who IS what they need.

Shine HOPE by placing your cares on Him, for He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7).

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my newly added FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts”!***)

This blog/website has been running for FOUR years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Andean Drop Earrings & Andean Ring

Handcrafted by our newest Artisan partners in Peru, this 24k gold-plated, natural chrysocolla stone ring can be worn alone as a stunning statement piece or paired with our Andean Drop Earrings. Hammered metal & natural variations of swirling green chrysocolla add “Old World” charm to this ethically made ring. Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty in Peru.

How You Can Help the Artisans:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!