A New Year, A New Monster to Face

Starting this new school year, working as an aide, I will tell you that I started with trickles of anxiety that quickly began to form a swirling haze of oppression that never seemed to let up.

It’s not a difficult job, being an aide, but for certain reasons, my year last year was less than great & because of that, I now feel fear associated with starting my job.

Now, at first, this was just manifested in feeling a little off, a little apprehensive about the coming year… but soon, as I had been stuffing all of those feelings down or away, they began to press into me like a heavy blanket over me that just kept getting heavier.

… Until Tuesday night.

I’m Glad I Didn’t Sleep

On Tuesday, I was feeling so oppressed by it, so weighed down & anxious & afraid… I had let it linger too long & now it was getting out of control.

My husband & I spend some time praying over it that night, recognizing that Satan was having a field day in my heart & mind. Then Jamie (my hubs) went to sleep… & I didn’t.

No, I didn’t get any sleep Tuesday night. None at all. But for once, I’m glad for it.

You see, I started that night feeling so down & pressed in & like my mind was swirling angsty tormenting feelings I wanted to swat away &/or numb over for any sort of relief.

So, after my husband fell asleep & my torment didn’t stop… I decided it was time to journal it out & pray over it so I could actually address each piece of it, bit by bit, rather than having this faceless, nameless swirl of anxieties raging war on my mind.

Prayer Journaling Your Anxieties WORKS–Handing Every Part to God, Piece by Piece

I began to write them all out–all the nagging little thoughts–trying to be as specific as I possibly could, so that I could really dig in & get to the root of the lie my heart must be holding onto, so I could then exchange it for truth & the help of God’s strength to kick it in the face.

So, I named names (in my personal journal)… or, I attempted to:

-So & so didn’t believe me, as if they don’t trust me.

-So & so said ___________, so they clearly misunderstood me & didn’t care to let me clarify.

-So & so talked about me behind my back, & I overheard, so now I feel insecure.

-So & so doesn’t trust me & because I care so much about my integrity & reputation, that really hurt me.

-So & so doesn’t seem to like me, even though I try to be intentionally friendly with them.

-I feel alone & misunderstood & out of sync with everyone around me & I just want to withdraw & stop trying.

–Why does there seem to be so much disconnect between me trying to put my best foot forward & others seeming to think I don’t care & just want to get away with doing the least possible. How could they even begin to think that about me when I care so much about doing a good job & having integrity in all I do!?

Writer’s Block on my Prayer Journaling?!

Those were just a fraction of my list that I WANTED to write. (I say, “wanted to write,” because every time I tried to begin my list, I froze & my mind went blank, as if something was physically blocking my brain from being able to type the thoughts in my own head.)

So, frustrated, I prayed about that, too. Like, “come ON, God! What is the deal!? I need to get this jumbled mess OUT of my head! I need You to help me deal with it! Why can’t I write about this (in my personal journal)??? Why are you stopping me? What is happening? Help me! I need You!”

And, as I prayed, a single word began to form above all else in that jumbled mess: SATAN.

Not one of the “so & so” people… not one problem over another as the “main problem”… but SATAN. Satan was behind all of it & all of a sudden, that became so abundantly clear to me that everything else began to suddenly make much more sense.

“For We Wrestle Not Against Flesh & Blood…”

I mean, think about it, God even TELLS us:

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” (Ephesians 6:12)

Sure, maybe someone had an off day & said something careless or unkind.

Sure, maybe someone didn’t pray but just reacted in their own humanness.

Sure, maybe someone DID make a big mistake.

Sure, maybe someone DOESN’T believe me for whatever reason.

Sure, maybe someone IS holding onto a misperception of me for whatever reason.

But, Satan. Satan is the one using all of those things to torment me, to feed my insecurities & to tell me not to bother trying anymore, to isolate myself & to just quit trying to make friends… to just resign with being an outsider who is miserable & alone as if that’s all I can or will ever be.

Satan.

What Does GOD Say?

God says I am part of the BODY of the church, with Jesus as the Head. That we are all meant to work together & love one another & support one another. (1 Corinthians 12:14-27)

God says to love those who aren’t great to us. (Luke 6:27-36) In other words, even if someone chooses wrong, I have an opportunity (& a responsibility) to still choose right.

He doesn’t just say to love those who love you. So, even if the aforementioned DID all actually HATE me (if going to the absolute extreme scenario), my response ought to be to love them still, to participate & contribute still, to pray for them still… to be a PART of the BODY of Christ still.

What Does Satan Want? What Does GOD Want?

Satan wants me constantly second-guessing myself, staying timid with my God-given gifting unused & my God-given opportunities ignored or forgotten. (2 Timothy 1:7)

God wants my confidence to be in God, even if I DO mess up. God wants me to make the right choice, even if it were true that others would refuse to do the same.

Satan wants me isolated & alone, withdrawn from community & fellowship & accountability.

God wants me plugged in as a member of His body, the church… & actively loving those around me.

Don’t listen to Satan, my friend. Don’t do it.

People will mess up, sure. I mess up, you mess up… we all mess up.

But don’t let Satan spin that into anything more.

Claim truth. Cling to God. Stand firm against the devil. Don’t give him an INCH (because he will take it & RUN with it, of that you can be SURE).

Facing the Anxiety Monster

You’re not alone. You’re not less than anyone else… even when you’re facing the “anxiety monster.”

And even if someone does misjudge you or mistreat you, peace can be found in the arms of God, entrusting that hurt to Him for His peace, His comfort, His healing, & His way forward to love anyway.

Shine HOPE by taking that anxiety to the CROSS of Jesus & asking God to help you have discernment to see where Satan is deceiving you & holding you captive, so you can find the freedom we are offered in Jesus. (John 8:36)

… So yeah, not sleeping is BLEH, but this time… I’m pretty glad I didn’t sleep.

*Remember TRUTH*

“IN the multitude of my anxieties within me,
Your comforts delight my soul.” (Psalm 94:19, emphasis added)

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

“Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)

Coming Next Week

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