Such Feelings

If you know me, or have been following my blog any time over the last 5 years (how has it been 5 years?!), then you probably have gathered that I have big feelings. For good or for bad, whether people enjoy it or hate it… I have big feelings.

Sometimes I love it, because it infuses my good days with so much zest, but the bad days are rough because I feel things so deeply it seems to sometimes affect me in a physical way with overwhelm & zoning out & feeling crushed beneath the weight of them.

And of course then you add in the depression. Now, this isn’t wallowing in despair depression—feeling depressed is not the same as having depression… although, if I allow it to consume me, it can very well lead to feeling & BEING depressed. But, on its own, it’s just a general sense of feeling numb & checked out of life… like everything just feels like a meaningless blur. And when I say, “I just don’t care,” it’s not in an obstinate, rolling my eyes type of thing, but rather just literally not caring about much of anything because I just feel numb as if I am just existing through my day.

But whether it’s my depression symptoms dragging me down to the dust, like a ball & chain clasped to my ankles as I try to walk through mud & haze… or whether it’s an emotional high where I just want to live life with fullness & vibrancy feeling free from the haze… or whether some thing or another knocks me to the ground with unexpected hurt or overwhelm that halts me in my tracks… no matter what it is that my feelings are feeling… it should not affect my obedience to God.

Chasing Happy Highs

Not allowing feelings to affect my obedience to God is a hard one for me. Our bodies are meant to release “happy hormones” when we accomplish tasks… there is a natural reward system built into our brains… & when that malfunctions & life feels empty & numb & void of feeling… well, I want to zone out & avoid at all costs how trapped & stuck that makes me feel. I want to chase “happy highs” however possible—tv, food, games, shopping trip, etc.

And what I DON’T feel like doing is to buckle down & DO IT ANYWAY.

I heard a quote today from the pastor at church this morning from Augustine maybe? The quote went something like: “God made us for Himself & we will remain restless until we seek our rest in Him.” Something like that. And isn’t that so true?

I can chase “happy highs” all I want, but until I seek my rest in Him, I will always be restless. I NEED Him.

Obeying God Is for My Good

Part of resting in God is realizing that I NEED to obey HIM rather than my feelings, recognizing that obedience to God is for my own good because all of what God commands is for my good.

I mean, think about it… just even looking at the basic 10 Commandments given to Moses for the people, by God, you can see it. (Genesis 20:1-17) Don’t steal, don’t commit adultery, love your neighbor as yourself, etc. His commands are basically—treat each other WELL! (Luke 6:31; Matthew 7:12) God even goes so far as to say that all the commands can be summed up under “love God with your all & the second being like it to love your neighbor as yourself.” (Paraphrase) (Matthew 22:36-40)

We were made to love God. We are designed to worship, honor, & glorify Him… & to love others.

Of course, we can’t be SAVED from our SIN against God by obeying these very good God-given commands (they are given as law to reveal our need for Him) (Romans 3:20; Romans 7:7) … because we will never ever get it spot on 24/7–that’s why God sent Jesus to pay our debt so if we repent or turn from our sin, ask for forgiveness, & turn to God, through Jesus, as your hope… you are saved… through your faith in Him. (Romans 3:23-24; Romans 10:9-11)

BUT, those 10 commandments, although they can’t save our souls, are still commands worthy of obedience… as are all of God’s teaching in the Bible… because it honors Him & it’s for our good.

We NEED to Obey… We NEED His Truth & Way of Life because It’s What We Were MADE to NEED

Obedience to God, though, is not just avoiding doing the “thou shalt nots” of the Bible… it’s a living out a life of seeking to know & love Him more… bowing how I want to respond for what honors & glorifies HIM (through asking for His wisdom & help doing it)… a determining to represent Him well & intentionally in your interactions with others & in how you express love for others. Obedience, at its core, means a life lived for HIM, through Him.

God knows we need it. We NEED Him. We NEED prayer (a plugging into HIM & HIS resources) (Proverbs 3:5-6; 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18), We NEED to feed our souls on His Word (the Bible). God tells us to even CRAVE His Word as newborn babies crave milk & NEED it to survive. (1 Peter 2:2-3)

Obedience isn’t some super religious thing we do to prove how religious we are.

Obedience is NECESSARY for a full & abundant & victorious LIFE. (John 10:9-10) Obedience is necessary to please, honor, & glorify God—for which purpose we were created! (Isaiah 43:7; 1 Corinthians 10:31; Revelation 4:11; Romans 11:36)

Checking My Motivations in My Obedience to God—Time in His Word, the Bible

We read our Bibles, not because we feel like a “terrible Christian” if we don’t, guilted into keeping up with it & shame-building as we miss day after day throughout the year…. We read our Bibles because 1. It honors God to seek to know & love Him better/more, & 2. We are influenced & impacted by the world every moment of our life & we NEED to be INTENTIONAL in feeding our soul with TRUTH to ground us in this crazy world we live in.

God isn’t keeping track with hand on hip & a raised, judgy eyebrow, making note of: “still waiting to see if they prove their love for me ENOUGH.” Jesus paid for that missed day, week, year, or even lifetime—it’s in the past & if you have repented of it, God has forgiven it. God isn’t expecting a “read through the Bible in a year” OR ELSE:  “BAM—Bad Christian alert!”

But God is honored every time we DO pick up our Bibles & commit to reading it, thinking on it, dwelling on it, & referring back to it when we face circumstances that come up in life, preparing ourselves with His Word that He made sure we would have access to because He made sure it was written all those many years ago.

Why Do I Pray?

We pray, not just before meals & before bed “because it’s what a good Christian person does.” We don’t do it to seem pious or religious. We do it because we NEED HIM EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY.

It’s not about repeating special words or making sure we say, “Father” enough times in our prayer. It’s not about praying “enough times” to get God to act. It’s not about getting God to give you everything you want your way as if He’s your personal enforcer while you sit in the seat of authority.

Prayer is about submission to an Almighty God Who is HOLY & deserving of all & holds ALL authority in heaven AND earth & yet keeps His throne-room door open at all times for all requests & pleas.

Prayer is about recognizing it’s all about Him, all FOR Him, all THROUGH Him. Prayer is about recognizing that God is GOD, & I am NOT.

Prayer is about plugging in to our Vine. (John 15:1-17) What can a branch bring forth without being connected to its life-giving Vine? What can we produce of worth without plugging into Him as our life-giving source? He is the source of our being. He is our nourishment. He is our peace. He is our enabling strength, even when we ourselves are depleted.

Prayer is about both recognizing & expressing our need, as well as turning to the One where our need may be met, even beyond what we imagine Him capable. (Ephesians 3:20-21; Luke 1:37)

To Feel Like a “Good Person” or to Honor, Please, & Glorify God?

And living for God isn’t about getting in “enough” service hours each week to prove how dedicated we are to serving God. It’s not about proving to or earning anything from God. It’s not about “being a good person.” (Romans 3:10-12; Ephesians 2:8-10)

Living in obedience to serve Him & love others, seeking to honor & please & glorify Him in every thought, reaction, & interaction is simply for that reason—to honor, please, & glorify HIM—because He is deserving of it. Not because I feel like it, & neither should I avoid it because I DON’T feel like it.

Feelings & Obedience Shouldn’t Affect Each Other

So, yes, sometimes my depression symptoms mean that I am zoned out, feel nothing, get no “happy hormone” reward for doing it… & yet I say a little prayer:  “God, please forgive me for how badly I want to avoid this right now because I DO NOT FEEL LIKE IT… please forgive me & help me do it anyway, because I want to honor You & I know I need You whether or not I feel like it will help at all right now. Please forgive my attitude & help me to honor You anyway. In Jesus’ name, I pray—AMEN.” And then I open my Bible & my current study, turn to the right page, click on my pen & begin my study each morning… whether I FEEL like it or not.

Feelings & obedience shouldn’t affect each other. Bad feelings too bad? Good feelings too distracting? Numbness clouding over any desire to do anything? Do it anyway—with God’s help.

We’re Meant to Need & Ask for His Help to Obey

Through Andrew Murray’s book on Prayer, a compilation of his works, I learned that so many Christians burn out either by guilt-driven obedience or self-driven obedience… or they just give up because they feel they just can’t (both were me at different points in my life)—too busy, too distracted, too numb, too tired, too sick, etc.—but that so many of commands given in the Bible are either followed by or preceded by “by God, through God, by faith, or through faith.” In other words? We’re not meant to be ABLE to obey Him… ON OUR OWN WITHOUT HIS HELP. We are MEANT to need His help & to turn to Him for that help in our walk of obedience.

So, if you feel you can’t obey Him for WHATEVER reason, you’re in good company! Take that to God & be honest with Him & ask for His help: “God, please forgive me for my lack… help me know when to fit it in & help me to LISTEN when You give the nudge in that time… help me to focus… help me to concentrate… help my WANT.” RELY ON & COUNT ON His help.

And when emotions are running wild or feel non-existent… remember that feelings & obedience shouldn’t affect each other. God can help if you are willing to let Him. Let Him help.

Shine HOPE by determining to honor, please, & glorify God through obedience, whether you feel like it or not… by making sure to turn to Him diligently & consistently for His help.

Coming Next Week

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