Confirmation Didn’t Erase My Fears

So, now I was official with this guy & I was totally panicky, too.

Sure, I knew God had confirmed it one way or the other, as I had asked of Him, but that didn’t take my fear of commitment away.

I was looking over my shoulder at every turn, so to speak… constantly wondering if maybe it was meant to be temporary & trying not to get too attached or lead him on or anything that could lead to any hurt whatsoever.

… Keep in mind that the one time previously I had ever fallen in love… once I was ready to consider marriage, God gave me a big “NO” I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand it because I hadn’t felt such a clear NO in my heart until AFTER I had fallen for the guy… so NOW, I did NOT want to allow that to happen again.

I was scared.

How am I Supposed to Know?

I also had words of others’ fears & heartaches floating around mercilessly in my brain: “Don’t get married unless you know that you know that you know that you KNOW!”

How was I ever supposed to KNOW? I can’t predict the future! Nor can I read minds!

This was just the worst. In a relationship… but too scared to enjoy said relationship because I was too scared to ever let my guard down & feel anything.

But, to be clear, I was pretty straightforward in my honesty during our dating relationship. I didn’t hide any of this from him, but prayed about it & spoke about it honestly.

This had to be God-led or I was out.

By MUCH Prayer…

So, instead of breaking up with him to protect either of us from hurt, I leaned on God & trusted for Him to guide me along the way through MUCH prayer.

I took it all to Him. I prayed, asking for confirmation throughout our relationship, just to make sure I was following His lead over my heart or my fears.

And God was so faithful to me every step of the way in my seeking His wisdom & reassurance.

There would be times I would pray about a very specific character trait I had learned I needed in a future spouse… things God had taught me. So, knowing He had taught me I needed them, I would ask Him to show me whether Jamie held these character traits, or at least the potential for them later down the road.

And every time, after praying silently & not sharing those requests with a single soul, Jamie would STILL somehow bring it up the very next time I spoke with him, as if he had read my mind or as if God had put him on a three-way call when I prayed.

God was faithful. He kept reassuring me. He kept leading me.

No Touchy

And one way God helped me know what was His lead versus my romantic daydreamy self leading, was by impressing upon my heart to give up any & all physical affection, to include even an arm around the shoulder or holding hands.

Maybe this seems a bit much to you… too much to ask… too extreme or unnecessary… but I knew that it was what I needed. I was too prone to slap those rosy glasses on the second a guy I liked put his arm around me or wanted to hold my hand, etc. IE. “*SWOON* We’re going to get married & have 3 babies &…. etc.” (You get the picture. It was pathetic but true.)

I didn’t want my very overly romanticizing heart to yank the reins from God’s hands & take over the second my heart swooned. It had to be for sure God-led or I was OUT.

I wanted God to have full control over the direction of our relationship & I didn’t want to ever risk clouding that discernment with romantic ideals & daydreams based on imaginings versus reality… feelings versus facts.

The Key? God Would Continue to be There to Help No Matter What

I never thought I could ever be sure about a guy. There were too many unknowns to account for… that I could never be able to account for because life is unpredictable…. How would I ever know?

But driving back from when my now husband eventually proposed, 7.5 months after our first date, I felt surer than I had ever felt about anything… because, as Jamie put it, “even though marriage holds a lot of unknowns & we can’t predict the future… he would be right alongside me through it all & God would be there to guide us no matter what came our way.”

No marriage will ever be perfect. God wasn’t wanting me to wait for a non-existent Mr. Perfect.

What He did want is for me to trust Him to know better than me on who would be a good fit for me. Not just with who I am, but who He will grow me to be… what our future held…. Not that the future would then be perfect, but that God would be right there with us in the imperfect.

Letting God Lead in My Dating Life

That really summed it up for me. Knowing God had consistently given me confirmation when I had asked for it…. Knowing God had given us both peace that wasn’t led by emotions first…. Knowing God would still be with us to help us through every hard season we would ever face.

God had us… & that is how we knew we could be confident despite the unknowns our future together held.

I had always rushed in head-first to every relationship in my past, so ready & desperate to feel loved & wanted… but the fears that consumed me had always caused me to run right back out of them even quicker than they had started the second the “L” word was even HINTED at.

But this time, I didn’t run in… I waited on God’s lead.

And I didn’t run back out… I trusted in God’s lead.

And even almost 12 years into it, I am not running out of it, because I know that no matter what we may face, God will be that same lead & same help through it every step of the way.

Who Are You Trusting to Lead You?

Does a fear of the unknown cripple you? Do you worry about making big decisions because you don’t know what the lasting consequences will be? Do you stay where it feels safe? Do you try to protect yourself the way that you know how?

Do you rush in, sure of your own abilities or assessments? Are you reckless with love or decisions in your life thinking it’s up to you to make the call?

Pray about it. Ask the God who KNOWS & doesn’t have to guess. Trust He cares enough about you to do as He promises & will provide wisdom as well as guidance in life.

What God Says About It

“Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5)

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)

He even tells us, straight up, not to trust or rely on our own understanding, but on His, through prayer.

Let God Lead… Trust He WILL Lead

Trusting ourselves can look like plowing ahead without consulting Him, but it can also look like staying where you feel safe & not trusting Him to be able to adequately lead you to your liking.

I’ve done both. I DO both sometimes even still.

But each time I am reminded that I really can trust Him… & I need to trust Him.

Shine HOPE by trusting Him when you just don’t know… & even when you think you’re absolutely, positively certain.

Coming Next Week

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