Our Next Adventure Together

Coming through the darkness I walked through during my time on Guam (Chapter 17), my husband & I were led (through praying for God’s direction) to Hokkaido, Japan as the next step in our married journey.

I was full of hope in this new adventure, but also full of nerves in facing the unexpected & unknown. This was not a location near any American military bases. This was a place where very little English was spoken.

When we were new to Japan, we would watch a video blog of this guy who had also moved to Japan from abroad & one thing he said really proved to be true: “Culture shock comes in waves.”

You think it’s going to be the initial shock of adjustment, but the amount of adjusting has unforeseen layers upon layers that become unearthed over time as new scenarios present themselves in your day-to-day life.

Beautiful Adventure, Great Friends, But Oh So Isolated

I thought I knew hard after my time on Guam in 2012-2015 because the loneliness I experienced those 3 years was unlike anything I had ever known, but I really had no idea what hard was until we moved to Japan, where I really was mostly isolated a majority of my time there, even in small things like making small talk or being friendly with a cashier… they didn’t understand me & I didn’t understand them.

This is not to say that our time there wasn’t a wonderful adventure, full of so many happy memories & discovering newness so often around us every day… not to mention the friendships we did eventually make.

It was exciting & thrilling. There was always something new to discover or try. It was an adventure of a lifetime that very few people get to ever experience not having any support from a base to hold onto in the hard moments. We were mostly on our own.

Our Church Family

We were very blessed to eventually meet an Australian couple who had come to Japan as missionaries & who run a Japanese church where we could attend, but even there, very few spoke any English & the few that did were more comfortable in their Japanese for the most part. The English speakers lived pretty far from us & were very busy people, so we didn’t see them very often outside of church.

We loved our church. They were such warm & welcoming people who helped us whenever they were able. Some took me under their wing sometimes for an occasional day trip. One wonderful friend helped teach us some Japanese as our tutor. And still others would help us in buying major appliances with the paperwork, etc. We were very fortunate despite our language barriers.

It’s so strange how a body of believers in Jesus can feel like family, even on the other side of the world, made up of a few Americans, a few Australians, & mostly Japanese. Different cultures. Different countries. Same Jesus. Same family under Jesus. So beautiful.

Consistently Hard, But Not Bad

As for my day-to-day life, I was mostly on my own, in a foreign country, with very little support.

I didn’t hate living there at all, because I loved the adventure of it… but something unexpected began to happen… I didn’t understand how the constant newness & figuring out of things in a foreign language was taking its toll on my brain.

My brain was like a computer always having to try too hard & consistently getting overheated.

My Brain Could Never Make Sense of Anything

Everywhere I went, voices around me spoke unrecognizable words… signs were unreadable… directions on packages couldn’t be understood without help of pictures or translation apps… not being able to read the buttons on my own home washer/dryer even… not able to easily go up to someone to ask for help or ask a question or ask directions….

My brain was constantly trying to process information it couldn’t ever process.

A constant, “Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute….” On repeat. All day. Every day. It was quite literally mentally exhausting.

The Darkness Grew Darker

I didn’t realize the strain a brain could experience in a foreign country. The voices & language around me were foreign. The words on every label, sign, set of directions, etc. were foreign. Even certain customs & ways of doing things were foreign.

Talk about quadrupling the isolation I had been experiencing on Guam…. My brain was TIRED beyond all measures of tired I had ever known possible.

And my brain started to change noticeably. The stress it was constantly under was breaking me down over time.

The Rage Monster That Was Trapped Inside of Me Scared Me

I felt constantly beyond capacity, so any inconvenience would cause me to almost have a minor mental &/or emotional breakdown.

There were random times where I would drop something at home like a cup of water & I would just drop to the floor & cry.

Other times I felt rage hit me like I have never before experienced. Drop a pencil I was using? Clenched jaw & fists as I take a deep breath through gritted teeth & pick it up. Drop it again? It gets immediately chucked at a wall. I was crumbling internally & it terrified me.

I used to say it felt like I had a rage monster trapped inside of me that I couldn’t make go away.

I tried so hard to be so accommodating to all the newness & to all the differences all the time, but I was breaking down & becoming someone I didn’t even recognize anymore. And it scared me. I needed HELP.

“Please, God… Make the Hard Stop.”

I knew I needed God’s help, but my prayers were mostly focused on “MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE!!!” And when it didn’t stop… when the hard kept going… I felt a little more despair settle in each time.

I felt a little more distrust in God settle in… which made me feel guilty… which made me slowly taper off in my prayers because I didn’t want God to “ignore me” one more time & cause me to become bitter & angry with Him… so I stopped talking to Him about it at all.

Which REALLY left me on my own to face it all. Wrong choice.

My Sneaky Pride

But God is so wonderful & faithful, that He used even my failure & rudeness toward Him to help ME.

You see, with my gifting from God, having had my spiritual gifting from childhood because I surrendered my sin to Jesus paying my debt & trusted in Him at 5 years old, I had sort of taken for granted my gifting, as if I somehow DESERVED it, because I have been a Christian for so long, of COURSE I had this gifting… as if MY faithfulness MERITED my GIFTing…. Wow.

Now, deep down, I knew absolutely that this was completely ridiculous & that OF COURSE it was FROM GOD, NOT me…. But sometimes I was really foolish in thinking maybe I also had a little something to do with it because of MY faithfulness to God over so many years.

It was something I had been praying over most of my growing up because I knew I was wrong to be thinking that, but yet still found myself feeling a little too proud of myself versus giving God the credit in my own heart.

God Was Using This Darkness for My Good

And here I was, for sure earning NOTHING because I was a complete brat, had stopped praying almost altogether, no longer depending on God through my breakdown issues, etc…. & YET, God CONTINUED to work through my gifting.

As if to say, “Yeah, this is from ME… NOT you. This is how I choose to work THROUGH you. It’s not about you. It’s about Me.”

What a humbling lesson to learn.

Me, a worm. Worthless. Sniveling. Given up trying to please God with my heart through the hard… worshiping EASE over HIM…. AND YET, He STILL chose to work through my gifting.

Because it’s not about me or me being great or faithful “enough” or any such nonsense.

It’s about it all being of Him, from Him, through Him, & FOR Him.

NOT me. HIM.

God Can Work DESPITE Me… Thank GOD!

Now, can He work more effectively with my surrender to His will & way? Of course.

But can He choose to work through me even when I am a complete & utter screw up? Absolutely.

It’s about His work, not mine.

I can have NOTHING to offer Him, & really, I don’t because He already has EVERYTHING… & He can still work through me.

How humbling that is.

What an honor that is.

He used my quitter attitude to show it wasn’t me holding me up at all along the road of life… it was Him all along.

It was all Him.

PRAISE GOD.

Can You Relate?

Is there an area you have refused to pray about anymore because you don’t feel like God is listening or that God cares? (He is & He does.)

Are you having a bad attitude about any area of your life because you feel like the hard just won’t stop no matter HOW MUCH you pray?

Have you given up?

Where could God be trying to teach you that it’s not about you being great enough to “deserve” Him, but that even when you obviously don’t, He will forever remain faithful to you regardless?

Where can you give God the praise He deserves despite the struggle with which you wrestle? Where in your struggle can you bring Him honor? How can you make sure He gets the glory instead of you?

Practice praying to see His “enoughness” in your struggle more than praying for your struggle to end. Allow God to show you He is enough for you come what may.

Shine HOPE by turning to Him & relying on Him in the hard, by living to give Him the glory & the honor & the praise in all you do. Amen.

Coming Next Week

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