Growing Up a Christian
I really don’t remember too many specific things from my childhood, following the biggest thing that has ever happened to me that one day, back when I was 5. (You can read about that, here: “Growing Up a Christian–A Grace-Filled Life, Chapter 1”)
I remember some people in my life at the time. I remember memorizing Bible verses for treats at church. I remember meeting at the Boys & Girls Club because we didn’t have a church building. I remember some of my friends.
But I also remember loving my children’s Bible. I loved the pictures, which helped me visualize the stories of past events as told in the Bible. I loved learning about God, even at a young age.
I Was No Angel Child
Now, this doesn’t mean I instantly became an angel child. Our sin/flesh/human nature is still very much in us after we accept God’s free gift of Jesus paying for our sin against God.
I still made mistakes. I still made wrong choices. (Still do sometimes.)
But God was working in me, even as a little kid. I had an insight few seemed to be aware of in themselves. I was acutely aware of sin & others’ excuses for their thoughts &/or behavior–& that sense annoyed people sometimes. It honestly annoyed me sometimes, too.
I began to struggle as a child because the human, fleshly side of me wanted to serve me… but the new spirit in me, born of a new life in Jesus Christ, wanted to obey God.
I Tried to Be a Good Christian… Without God’s Help
Back then, I really didn’t understand the fact that God was my missing piece in this battle as well.
As a human, I can only get so far on sheer willpower. And quite honestly, even having the will to do something in the first place.
I didn’t learn this until about 30 years later, back about 5+ years ago, through Andrew Murray’s book on Prayer, that we’re NEVER meant to obey God ON OUR OWN. We NEED His HELP to do it!
If you look through so many of the commands in God’s Word, the Bible, you will notice they say, “by God,” “through God,” “by faith,” or “through faith.” Faith in Who? GOD! We need Him to help aid us in obeying Him. We need His wisdom, & His will to enable us to obey Him. We HAVE to draw from Him & lean into Him through prayer, aka asking Him for His help & trusting Him to be faithful to give it!
But I didn’t know that back then. And I fought without His help… & oftentimes lost the tug-of-war with myself.
Knowing Better, But Still Wanting Me First
Because I had this God-given insight, even at a young age, I felt so much pressure to live up to every bit of insight I received. I could see excuses clear as day in others & it made me even more aware of my own.
I called this insight my blessing & my curse.
It was a blessing because I had a sense at all times what God wanted of me & even of those around me. It was a curse because I didn’t always want to know. I didn’t always want to do it or felt I couldn’t live up to it to the degree that I was aware of it & I didn’t like feeling uncomfortable when asked my opinion on something only to have them frustrated with my response. It felt overwhelming & impossible… too heavy a burden to carry. And I wanted to be liked.
I became more frustrated. I progressively felt more & more like a “bad Christian.” I wanted to do what was right, but at the same time, something in me didn’t. I didn’t understand that. I wanted to be a normal teenager when it came to that age. I didn’t want to feel so convicted about everything around me all the time.
I questioned my salvation because of it. I began to fantasize about alcohol misuse because of it. I didn’t want this burden of always knowing what was right when I didn’t always want to follow it. I wanted to be a little more clueless & a lot more carefree. I wanted to fit in.
God Offers Himself to Us… Even Before Heaven
I didn’t know that God wanted to interact with me in my life… versus just getting me into Heaven because of Jesus. I didn’t know then that He both wanted to & could help me live for Him & obey Him. It wasn’t something for which He was expecting me to be good enough on my own.
I didn’t know how to lean into Him & draw from Him… or that it was even possible/offered by God Himself. I thought to be a good Christian, I had to do it myself & WANT to. (Philippians 2:13)
Prayers felt like making sure I said all the right words, as if it were some trigger to get God to do something.
I thought prayer was just about asking God to help me get what I wanted… & when that didn’t happen… I thought He was saying He didn’t care or wasn’t involved in my life.
It was very confusing to me because I greatly misunderstood prayer & God’s working/presence in my life. But God wants to be Who actively leads my life.
God Can Work Anywhere–He Is Never Limited by the Darkness Surrounding Us
Then enter middle school. In 7th grade, I went to public school after being homeschooled my whole life (other than 4th grade).
I want to be very clear right now that I am in no way demonizing public school, nor do I believe any of us should.
God can work anywhere, even in the darkest of places—much darker places even than public school. Nowhere is out of God’s reach to work in the lives of those who seek Him.
AND, God can use even the worst life experiences to shape us & to cause us to recognize our very real, immediate need of Him.
But, moving on…
My Faith Was Tested & I Didn’t Exactly Pass with Flying Colors
With being in a public school, I heard all sorts of opinions on who God was, how many gods people believed there to be… how many “ways to heaven” people believed there to be… all the while asking me a little question I didn’t quite know how to answer: “How do you know YOUR God is the ‘right’ God?”
I was unprepared. I was caught off guard. I was shocked. I was embarrassed that I didn’t know how to answer.
And all of a sudden, my faith began to shake a little. A crack had formed. Questions began to pile up. I doubted God.
From that point on, my life with God was defined by doubts, tossing me around like a rag doll at some points in my life. Life all of a sudden felt uncertain & unsteady.
I believed, but I didn’t know why… & that really bothered me.
I Thought It Was “Un-Christian” to Have Doubts about God… So I Hid My Questions
But I stuffed all of those doubts down because I felt like a “bad Christian” for having questions. My parents worked with the youth ministry team at church & everyone knew them & I was afraid that if I admitted I had questions, it would reflect badly on them & on my family… that maybe they all would wonder if I was even saved at all.
So, I pretended not to have those questions.
… Until one fateful day that forced me to face everything I had tried to bury.
My family watched Left Behind, & all of a sudden, I seriously understood the weightiness of the fact that I better know what I believe once & for all, because if I didn’t, the consequences could be absolutely & terrifyingly devastating.
Let’s talk more about what came of that next week…. (Talk about a cliffhanger, huh?)
A Grace-Filled Life
Aren’t you so glad that God is SO patient with us? I am!!
Shine HOPE by allowing & welcoming questions, knowing God is not scared off by them. Go to God with questions. Take others’ questions to God, in prayer to Him for wisdom & through searching His Word, the Bible. 1. Don’t be afraid of questions, but also, 2. don’t let questions be a door for Satan to use to help you question God Himself.
Remember that fearing God is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 9:10). AKA recognizing that God is GOD & you are NOT, is the beginning of wisdom. And 3. don’t use those questions to fuel your fleshly desire for sin. Doubts do not equal worthy excuses to sin against God Almighty.
AND, ALWAYS depend on God’s help, asking Him for it & obeying, trusting He will be faithful in answering that. Your willpower will only get you so far… You NEED Him. And He WILL supply.
Amen? Amen!
Coming Next Week
Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.
Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!
As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.
A Note from Michelle:
(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)
This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3
If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3
Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!
Fashion as a Force for GOOD:
Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!
Nepali Nativity Set (NEPAL)
HOLIDAY EDITION – While supplies last! The perfect nativity scene to add to your holiday decor! Each Nepali Nativity Set includes three figurines, Mary holding baby Jesus, Joseph, and a little lamb. This adorable nativity set is handcrafted using traditional felt-crafting techniques that have been passed down for generations. *****Your purchase provides a woman in an area of extreme poverty with a safe job and fair wage.*****
How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:
SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!
Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!
Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!
