God Is So Patient with Me

In every season of my life, God has patiently led me & taught me. It wasn’t an all-at-once type thing, but a gentle pruning & guiding of my heart, led by His love, faithfulness, & graciousness.

Sure, there have been seasons where I thought it up to me to figure things out for myself, causing way more heartache, pain, & trouble than necessary… I’m a slow learner in this regard… but every step of the way, God has proven Himself to be gentle, forgiving, & faithful.

Little Girl Dreams

When I was a little girl, I played dolls with my sister. We daydreamed about our idyllic future adult life.

We would get married, obviously… have kids, duh… & live together in a giant mansion where she owned one half & I owned the other with our respective families… & our stable full of enough horses for us & friends. OF COURSE…. (NOTE: Now that I am actually an adult… cleaning a mansion seems the last of my desires… I MUCH prefer a small home that is cozy & easy to manage, but I digress.)

God Had Other Plans… & I Didn’t Understand

Well, God didn’t quite take notes from my little kid dreams.

My younger sister & most of my younger friends got married before I did. I didn’t actually get married until just before I hit 30, but pre-30, I thought my chances weren’t looking too great.

And then, there’s the topic of children….

The first year of marriage, we waited to have kids.

The second year became full of hope & dreams of parenthood & of rounding out our new family with little ones to raise together.

Then the third year….

Then the fourth….

Then we were in Hokkaido, Japan, caught up to our previous chapter.

The Tests… the Prodding… the Supplements… the Charting…

I started seeing a doctor. Had embarrassing/awkward scans done, was told everything looked healthy: all inner reproductive parts were considered to be healthy shapes, healthy sizes, healthy placements, & my hormone levels looked in a good range.

I was “prime condition” for having babies as far as no organs being damaged or deformed or anything else being wrong to prevent pregnancy. The doctors all agreed I should have no trouble getting pregnant. My hubs even got checked out & he got a good report as well.

We were all set then! But just to help things, I started taking herbal supplements to help my body along. Then there were the temperature charting & ovulation tests galore.

6 Childless Years Passed…

None of it seemed to matter as year 3 moved to year 4 & then 5 & then 6… with no children.

Honestly, the monthly tests I got done at the doctor’s office & the supplements & the charting & the ovulation tests & the glowing reports that seemed to mean absolutely nothing…. Disheartening was an understatement.

There went my little girl dreams.

Was It All My Fault? Was God Punishing Me?

But beyond that, I felt like God was punishing me.

Punishing me for trusting in Him since I was 5 & not living up to being good enough to deserve it… like an ungrateful, selfish child who lives for herself.

Then there’s the whole history with depression. How could I raise kids when some seasons of my life… I couldn’t even take care of myself. I felt unfit completely.

I felt like this was my price. I hadn’t earned well enough being a mother.

And I felt like a disappointment to a husband who really dreamed of being a father.

I felt inadequate in so many different ways.

Raised Hopes! … Dashed Hopes

And then there was all the measures I was taking & all of it meaning nothing in the end. All the raised hopes at following all of my charting & all the rules & suggestions, being late… & then not… again.

Raised hopes! Dashed hopes. Raised hopes! Dashed hopes. Raised hopes! Dashed hopes…. That was the pattern that just kept repeating itself over & over & over again every month.

I prayed about it all those years but never got any clear answer, so I thought it was just ME. I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t doing enough. I wasn’t GOOD enough.

If this is you right now, in any of it. I get it. It hurts. A lot.

And it hurt a lot for a long time.

I Determined to Let God Decide

And then, through God’s open doors, starting year 6 of our marriage… we moved to Misawa, Japan. This time, near fellow Americans (aka ENGLISH speakers).

By then, it had been over a year since any doctor visits or tests or charts or anything. I had determined that if God wanted us to have kids, HE would make it happen in HIS timing, & if not, well then… not. Emotionally, I couldn’t deal with any more tests.

But… deep down… the longer that “NOT” lasted, the more I blamed our childlessness on myself for not being good enough… for not being deserving enough.

But Then…

While we were living in Misawa, I made the decision to join the Ladies’ Bible Study on base. We were not attending the chapel services, but were attending a little church whose body of believers has become so dear to me… but having fellowship with other ladies who could encourage & edify me was something I was very malnourished of in my soul, so I also attended the base chapel ladies’ activities.

In one Bible study with that ladies group, we went through “Breaking Free,” by Beth Moore & God used this study to TRANSFORM my views on having children. (You can find the link to that study, as well as other studies/books/recommendations that have personally had a strong influence in my life on my website @ www.michellehydeonline.com/recommended-by-michelle/.)

Basically, when the author begins the chapter on having children, I was bracing myself for the typical: “children are a gift of the Lord,” “motherhood is such a blessing,” etc. Talks that I see written in so many books to women.

But she went in a different direction with this, addressing even the BARREN WOMEN (aka those unable to have children).

Seeing It from a New Perspective

Beth talked about how, in the Bible, Elizabeth, in one sentence, was described as BOTH righteous AND barren (aka, being barren is not automatically equated with God thinking you don’t deserve it or with punishment).

“And they were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren….” (Luke 1:6-7)

Beth Moore also mentioned something I had never taken notice of before… that when the Old Testament (aka BEFORE JESUS) talked about “being fruitful & multiplying,” it was literally referring to filling the earth with children (Genesis 1:28), but when the New Testament references fruitfulness, it focuses more on duplicating your faith… sharing the hope we have in Jesus with everyone around us.

What Was My WHY?

In my praying & longing for children all those years, some constant that emerged was my WHY. WHY did I want kids so badly?

Well, 1. Because I just took for granted that it was the next step of life for a woman… 2. Because I wanted reassurance that God wasn’t withholding because I wasn’t good enough to deserve it… 3. Because of dreams of board game nights & intentionally walking beside my children to raise them in how to trust their all to Jesus in every season of life—hard, very hard, or wonderful.

God Has a Perfect Plan

And when I got to that chapter of that study… Beth’s words snapped all of my perspective to the weightiness of God’s extreme GOODNESS.

God was not denying me my dream. God was not depriving me. God was not punishing me. God wasn’t withholding because of my lack of deserving (because really, despite my not being enough—HE IS).

No, God was blessing me with the EXACT thing I longed so much for, but on a MUCH larger scale!

To Edify & to Encourage… So That THEY May Edify & Encourage

When Beth went deeper into this point, she talked about how mothers, their main focus & responsibility is poured into their children & raising them to honor & love the LORD God. But, with a barren woman, she has the opportunity & blessing of pouring into all of those MOTHERS, so that they are edified (built up) & encouraged (refreshed) to THEN pour that into the lives of THEIR children! … to bear much fruit & multiply faith in Jesus Christ!

Because I am not “in the trenches” of motherhood, I can come alongside those who feel discouraged or beaten up by life. I can remind them of Whose they are & where their hope can be found. I can point to Him as our hope in all things, living as a testimony in the dark, hard seasons of life… that even there, God’s hope can shine.

I am not deprived by my lack of children. I am honored with this gift to share with all of you & to be a display of His glory & goodness in your lives each week through every season of my life—even in the hard & even when it’s all my fault.

How Great Is Our God!

A grace-filled life indeed! Undeserving but loved by an ever-faithful, gentle, all-powerful, caring God. Not because I am worthy, but because He is enough for me even in my unworthiness.

What are you insisting you need that you may need to entrust to a God Who knows you better than you do & Who sees your future with perfect clarity?

Where is heartache eating away at you? Do you blame yourself? Do you blame God?

What do you need to take to Him & trust Him with come what may?

Shine HOPE by taking those hard questions to God & leaning into Him no matter His answer.

“Rejoice, O barren,
You who do not bear!
Break forth and shout,
You who are not in labor!
For the desolate has many more children
Than she who has a husband.” (Galatians 4:27)

Coming Next Week

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Meadow Basket Set (India)

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