I Felt Like the Fat Kid

I grew up feeling fat. Weight was talked about quite a bit in my growing up years… so it became something I thought about quite a lot in my growing up years.

In fact, I thought about it so much that I felt like the fat, ugly friend in every friend group I happened to be a part of.

Looking back at pictures of me from those days, I am quite shocked to recognize how comparable I looked to those friends weight-wise. But my perception back then told me differently.

My Failed Searches for Worth

This has been a long-term problem for me. One where I finally found eventual freedom.

If you remember me talking about being a flirt back when I was younger, a big part of that was me trying to feel like I was worth paying attention to… worth feeling valued or wanted… worth someone’s love. (Read Chapter 5: God Made Me, to hear more about that story.)

And as you may also remember, that method failed me greatly & led to a different kind of prison. Instead of—get skinny or you can’t be loved… it became—stay interesting or you can’t be loved. Different problem, same prison.

And even though I grew through that, in learning to trust that if God made me, than He would be the One to know how He made me… better than I did… even if it meant I lost friends.… I found my security in God reassuring me that I didn’t need to prove myself enough or build up façade upon façade to earn friendship…. But even with that growth–I still felt like I wasn’t worth love because of the way I looked.

I Believed the World around Me Mocked Me When They Saw Me

I still felt like the frumpy, fat, ugly friend… the girl no guy would want to marry or love.

I still filtered every interaction or conversation or perception through believing others were internally (or behind my back) looking down on me & thinking less of me because I was not skinny.

I thought it wasn’t just my surroundings, but that everyone judged people’s value by the way they looked. I thought everyone mocked me when I passed by or that everyone must be discussing my body weight behind my back. That’s what made sense to me.

The Prison Isn’t Just for “Fat” People…

Then, I met a friend who used to be a model & she shared that even having ideal measurements & meeting high standards & receiving tons of praise & admiration… she used to be in the very same prison I mentioned earlier: Stay skinny or lose your value.

Different problem (because she WAS skinny), same prison (because she feared losing her worth if NOT skinny).

And that made me realize that losing my weight could never really release me from that prison.

Weight & worth are not connected. Weight & beauty are not connected. A woman can be overweight & still be very beautiful. I have seen it!

Weight Is Just Weight

No. Weight is just weight. Does eating poorly tend to make you gain weight? Yes. But then, your concern should be focused on getting your health in check… not on whether you now have lost your deserving to be loved.

Does that make sense?

We NEED to separate those two ideas.

Weight DOES NOT equal worth.

Weight DOES NOT make you ugly or beautiful.

“Watch Your Health” Should be the New Phrasing

Watching your weight should be a health concern ONLY. To make sure you are properly caring for your body—fueling it versus just feeding it.

To make sure your organs & blood vessels aren’t being restricted or damaged long-term… to make sure you have energy & strength to live your life the best you can… to help your body be strong against diseases & recovery well after injuries.

Weight can be still be an issue you need to work on, but NOT because it will somehow make you worth loving—because weight can’t give or take that away.

My 2 Beautiful College Roommates

God gave me a beautiful gift in college, in the form of 2 fun, caring, sweet roommates my senior year. Love them to pieces to this day, even though we rarely talk.

They were so genuine & caring & just fun to be around. It was what college roommate dreams are made of. We were silly goofballs together & just enjoyed hanging out & chatting in our room. I felt like I had gained 2 extra sisters that year.

But, they both looked like they could be fashion models & when I was first introduced to them as my roommates, I was SO intimidated by their beauty, making me feel like the ugly duckling in comparison.

What They Taught Me

Over time, though, they taught me that not everyone who looks that way is constantly looking down on &/or gossiping about women who look like me… that my weight was not their first/primary thought.

Some nights, a young lady heavier than I would come in our room to ask a question or something while the 2 of them were up working on projects or whatnot, & I had been in bed, presumably asleep for quite awhile… & when that young lady would leave, them assuming I was long asleep… I braced myself for the presumed mocking comments to begin… or at least “well-meaning” comments about “she really should lose weight…” but none came. In fact, it was usually PRAISE coming from them, ie. “She is SO nice. She always says the kindest things & puts a smile on my face,” or, “she has the best sense of humor—she always knows how to make me laugh when I’m having a rough day—I love her!”

Those aren’t exact conversations overheard, but the idea of it is. They were only praising/focusing on CHARACTER qualities… NOT weight! I thought EVERYONE focused primarily on weight!

Then Came My Husband

Fast forward to meeting my husband. He is a handsome man. I felt like the balloon animal in the relationship… or maybe the parade float.

But he never saw me that way. He would always say something like, “I just care about you being healthy & taking care of yourself. If that magically meant you GAINED weight, I would still prefer it. Skinny doesn’t automatically mean healthy either & I want you to be healthy.”

It took about a gazillion times for him to say this before I started to believe him, but God began shifting my perspective from “low weight… or else” to, “weight does not equal worth–weight is just weight.”

I’m Not Scared of My Chubs

I’m not scared of my chub chub anymore. My tummy doesn’t disgust me when I see a roll. I don’t wear baggy shirts or cardigans to hide anymore.

My weight does not equal my worth.

But my weight still matters. I want to honor God with the choices I make. I want to steward well what He has made for me. (Psalm 139:13-16)

“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31)

I’m still responsible for the choices I make. I will still feel the health consequences of the choices I make. But I’m not scared of my chubs anymore.

God’s Gentle Step-by Step Guiding

God is gently, year-by-year, guiding me to make better habits: doing a workout several times a week, eating a nutritious breakfast to start my every morning, making healthy & nutritious meals adapted from recipes we already enjoy, limiting how often we eat out now… all baby steps, little by little, building healthier habits to benefit my HEALTH.

(If you struggle with knowing where to start, meal-planning & balancing nutrition… I have suggestions added to my recommendations page to help you get started. These have helped me tremendously along the way! Check them out @ Body Stewardship | Michelle Hyde Online.)

Now for a Healthier Me

Do I still have a long way to go, health-wise? Yes. Am I skinny? No.

Am I still concerned with my health? Yes. Do I still feel the need to get skinny? No.

Do I still feel self-conscious about my lack of self-control, leading to my poor health? Yes. Do I still feel self-conscious about my ever-present muffin top? No.

Learn to separate the 2. They’re not connected. Weight does not equal worth, but your weight, as it affects your health, is still important for the sake of your health.

Learn to look at your body as something God designed & knit together for you. Would you want to knowingly misuse, abuse, or neglect that gift? Probably not.

Shine HOPE by learning to be a good steward of what God has given you, while learning to find your worth in Him, not your weight. You are beautifully & wonderfully made. God doesn’t make mistakes, Beautiful. Now for a healthier me!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over 5.5 years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

March 2024 Hope Mail (MEXICO & INDIA)

This exclusive March Hope Mail package makes a great gift for any occasion! Receive free shipping on this March Hope Mail package that includes our Alabaster Raffia Earrings handmade in India, Luna Tassel from Mexico, and our friendly Hummingbird Sticker mailed in a stylish Fashion as a Force for Good envelope.

*****Every purchase of this set empowers women in Mexico & India out of poverty!!*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!