Doesn’t Make Any Sense Logically… & Yet
It’s funny that this is my topic this week because last night I couldn’t manage to sleep at all. I ended up falling asleep around 8:30am & getting up around 12:30pm. I wanted to sleep so much longer, but was afraid it would mess with my sleep tonight, so I decided I would just get up.
Last year, there was something I learned about God that makes zero sense to me… through a time period of consistent sleeplessness. Really, it isn’t logical, seems “overly spiritual” & just something you say to SOUND super spiritual… but I have actually, surprisingly found it to be 100% accurate, as make believe as it sounds.
This concept I’m talking about is that of considering God AS my strength. Not just that you might feel a little boost of strength when you pray for strength, but that even when you have absolutely no strength, He can be your strength for you.
I learned this truth pretty clearly last year, although definitely against my will.
2 Months of Torture
You see, I went through 2 months of sleeplessness. Maybe a night or two a week, I would sleep a whole 5-7 hours, another couple of nights, maybe 2-4 hours… but the other 2-3 nights I would get about 0-2 hours.
As you can imagine, I was WEAK. Physically, mentally, emotionally… WEAK. And I cried a lot. A LOT.
It felt like torture. Legitimate, actual torture.
I called it “the princess & the pea syndrome” because it would seem that even the littlest crease in my sheet beneath me would make me acutely aware of it where I absolutely could not ignore it… like my senses were always on high alert every single night.
And this wasn’t anxiety-induced. I wasn’t tossing & turning analyzing every aspect of my day or every word out of my mouth.
And it wasn’t restlessness either… no pent-up energy keeping me from settling down to rest.
No. I would be clear-minded, body limp with tiredness… & yet any little thing would jolt my alertness up several notches & the cycle of drifting off to jolting awake & back again would happen over & over & over & over & over & over again.
Talk about MADDENING.
I Didn’t Always Handle It So Well…
Now, I would like to sound super spiritual & say something like, “you know what, when I realized I wasn’t going to sleep each night, after 1 whole week of it… 2 weeks of it… 4 weeks… 6 weeks… EIGHT WEEKS OF IT… well, each time I just closed my eyes & thanked Jesus for some extra time to spend with Him in prayer & then I went & got my Bible & spent each night praising Jesus!
But that didn’t happen.
Some nights I did spend some time talking to God about it & about life & about other people in my life… turning to Him in it.
Most nights I just tried everything in the world I could think of to keep myself from legitimately going clinically insane as a result—snacks, tv, phone videos, games, ANYTHING to make myself not want to pick up each individual shoe in my closet & chuck them all against the wall one-by-one.
And there were ALSO nights where I would roll to be face first into my pillow so I could silent scream some of my frustration into it or get up to sit at the dining room table, bury my face in my hands, & just SOB for a good hour or more.
And some nights I just resigned to it, like, “Okay, we’re doing this again? Okay. Sure. Here we go again, I guess.”
It was awful. Quite literally awful.
Consistent Physical Discomfort… BLEH
I hate discomfort & let me tell you that being super tired & yet any little thing being enough to keep you from treasured sleep as it keeps jolting you awake… yeah, it was quite literally awful.
Headaches. Grogginess. Low energy. Low ability to focus. Sometimes even nausea because lack of sleep does that to me.
Some mornings I was “just” a complete zombie & other mornings it seemed I had a permanent scowl burned onto my face like you should probably clear a path & stay out my way unless you wanted to start a fight. It wasn’t pretty.
But as God tends to do… promises to do… he used this awfulness for my good.
I’m a Slow Learner… I Want Comfort
Sometimes I wish I could just learn lessons a teensy tiny bit faster. Anyone else? Like, let’s speed this lesson up because BOY is it not fun.
I feel like Paul handled his “thorn in his side” thing way better than me… or maybe he felt just as miserable, just with recognizing the value that comes from it, because he DID use the word “DISTRESS” & I have personally never heard of an enjoyable, non-painful/uncomfortable type of DISTRESS. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)
But his perspective stayed true in understanding that God always had a plan & would use it for both his good & God’s glory… ALWAYS. (Genesis 50:20; Romans 8:28)
And so God did with me in my sleeplessness.
I learned several clear lessons:
- Quick repentance is necessary & freeing in our very human weakness reality.
- God very much can BE my strength when I have NONE.
- My excuses that kept me back were all unnecessary because God can help me.
The Freedom Clean Slate of Quick Repentance
Having a “Jesus paid for that too” type of mindset is such a valuable thing… trusting that Jesus’ sacrifice was sufficient for all of it, come what may. What a freeing thing that is!
Quick repentance is something I talk about a lot, but it is basically the idea that any time something crosses your mind that dishonors God, whether it be temptation to be bitter at someone, have ill will toward someone, just wanting to quit, or whatever else… realizing that my humanness is trumping what God is capable of… in other words, I am leaning on my limitations so much that I refuse to submit to the fact that God has none… that no matter what it is, I need to ask for forgiveness for that from God & ask Him to help me change it moving forward.
How I Often Respond Versus How God Responds… & Repenting of the Difference
Bitter? Is that how God responded to my sin & His need to pay my debt through Jesus on the cross? I don’t think so. Love compelled Him, not bitterness. (John 3:16-17)
Ill will? Nope, God, through Jesus, sacrificed willingly versus retaliating. (Isaiah 53)
Just wanting to quit? Why? Because I can’t handle it? Or I don’t want to? Then I am discounting what God is capable of & my real complaint is my lack of self-sufficiency & not wanting to have to rely on my need for Him over myself.
Quick repentance takes those situations & thoughts & “takes every thought captive” by turning it right away to an apology to God because He knows our every thought… asking Him to change us from the inside out. (2 Corinthians 10:5; Psalm 139:23-24)
Sample Prayers of Quick Repentance
“I’m sorry I am so tempted to feel bitter. Please forgive my bad attitude & help me have a better attitude about this… one that better pleases & honors You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
“I’m sorry I am feeling this angry toward that person for such & such. You made them, love them, & died for them, too. Please forgive me for my bad attitude toward them & help me to let You love them through my life. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
“I’m sorry I want to quit. I am frustrated at how difficult this is & I am wanting to be able to do it but can’t. Help me instead to trust You to be enough for me in it. Help grow me in that reliance on You instead of myself. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”
These are obviously just a very few examples of the many scenarios that can arise, but you get the point: surrendering every thought that doesn’t please or honor God to Him & asking for His forgiveness & His help moving forward & changing perspective &/or patterns.
I Needed Quick Repentance EVERY MORNING
This became my every morning because in my sleeplessness, the morning grumpies were almost always a big problem for me. (I laugh a little as I write “big problem” because this sentence really makes them seem far more pleasant than they were in reality.)
Groggy, frustrated, tired, headache, AND needing to get ready for work. No, ma’am, my attitude some mornings was pretty not great.
And quick repentance became my morning ritual.
“Yeah. It’s me AGAIN. I’m so tired. I feel incredibly icky physically. My brain is a foggy mush. I just want to throw stuff at the wall, throw a fit, quit my job & all my responsibilities & live in my bed for the desperate off chance that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE I CAN SLEEP. I DON’T want to be doing anything right now. All of this sucks. I hate it SOO MUCH. But I know that my main frustration here is rooted in me wanting control back… me wanting to feel SELF-capable again… me idolizing comfort rather than wanting to depend on YOU for that. So please forgive me. Please change me heart because I just can’t. I want it so badly I could just scream… or cry… or both. Please help me depend on YOU. To remember YOU are what I NEED. Please help me trust You to BE my strength FOR ME. I’ve got nothin’. I NEED YOU. Please help me. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”
This was basically my EVERY morning for 2 months. Same grumpies. Same frustrations. Same physical weakness. Same craving to be self-sufficient again. Same asking for forgiveness & a changed heart & attitude.
It was an everyday thing that He was faithful in every day.
God Is My Strength
He WAS my strength. God is my strength. EVERY DAY. Without fail.
I had to feel wretched & humble myself every stinking day. But He was faithful to provide every single day right along with it.
Some days were like when you miss one night of sleep & adrenaline just kicks in & you still have a great, productive day. But others were me feeling so weak without a break from it through the whole day, begging God to help me in every single step of it… & it was like He would highlight ONE SINGULAR TASK in my mind to do just that one thing. So I would chip away at it mindlessly until it was done & He would highlight the next step for me until the day was done.
And I got to see Him BE my strength when I had NONE.
The Big WOW Moment
I’ve always had a strange relationship with sleep. Some seasons are easy breezy. Others leave me desperate to fall asleep but failing. I never know when it will switch… when it will be good… or awful. And as a result, I have ALWAYS set my alarm to the last possible second.
Have I wanted to have a quiet time with God to start my each & every day with a focus on Him & surrendered heart to Him & His will for my day? Sure. But HOW?!
And then, it all became so clear to me.
If, when sleep would just refuse come despite every strained effort of mine… God was my sufficiency in my complete & utter lacking….
How much more so if I CHOSE to give up some extra sleep in order to spend time with Him to honor His value in my life? That excuse of squeezing out every minute of sleep kept me back for SO LONG. And now I was set free from that fear holding me back again!
How Often Do I Underestimate the God Who Made Me?
God was able where I was not. God would supply where I could not.
And if something honors & pleases Him… knowing He is infinite… I can trust 100% that I can count on His help in that sacrifice for His glory.
Quick repentance… clean slate… He is my strength… even when I have zero… He will help me honor Him… even when it feels impossible.
God is good all the time. All the time, God is good. EVEN IN THE HARD.
Shine HOPE by looking to Him as your strength, by being a quick repenter, & by trusting Him to help you honor, please, glorify, & obey Him even when you feel you just absolutely cannot, knowing HE CAN.
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