My Childlike Faith Slipped Away… & I Went with It
So, my family watched Left Behind & my world was SHOOK. (Read about how that started in Chapter 2.)
All of a sudden, I didn’t want to run from my questions anymore. I NEEDED answers.
I looked up Bible verses. I asked questions of my Christian friends. I asked my parents & church leaders. I became obsessed with wanting to know FOR SURE that I had the right answer… the true hope… in Jesus… that I wasn’t believing amiss.
I remember being SO jealous of people at church that just seemed to BELIEVE what they heard without questioning everything.
That childlike faith was no longer in me. I wanted to know.
Looking Deeper
Now that I am older, I can see some things at play here.
- Questions are not sinful. God is SO far above & beyond us, that it makes sense for us to not understand… & for us to want to—this is a reason why God gave us His Word, the Bible!
- Satan likes to take these questions & make you tempted to doubt God altogether… either to render you fruitless in your faith, to make you miserable, or to make you turn away from God altogether. Be careful!
- We need to make sure that our questions don’t get mingled in with a subtle built-in “excuse” to sin. AKA, “well, if God ISN’T real, maybe that’s okay because then I don’t have to feel bad about wanting to do something God calls sin.” BE CAREFUL HERE!
I was ALL 3 at different points.
It Started with Legitimate Questions–I Wanted to Know What (Who) I Could Put My Full Faith In
I had legitimate questions being a limited human being serving a limitless God. His grace is beyond reasonable because it’s completely underserved. He made EVERYTHING. Plus, the world around us claims so many lies that they believe 100% that it seems the current is constantly flowing AGAINST you.
But Satan also used the questions to make me doubt God & start trying to find “backups” “in case God didn’t come through for me.” I mean, sometimes I would pray for something—like the end of a struggle—& the hard would just remain… sooo….
I Wanted to See for Myself
And so then, number 3… I started using my doubts as an excuse. I didn’t WANT to keep acting in that willpower I talked about last week. It was tiring trying to be a perfect Christian all the time (in my own strength), seeing other Christians seem to care far less about pleasing God… wishing I could care less, too… wishing I could do things God called (or hinted as) sin without feeling so bad about even the thought of it.
I started thinking up “loopholes” to God’s Word (I put loopholes in quotes here because, really, God isn’t fooled.)
My very real questions became my “excuse” to bend the rules… to look elsewhere for happiness… “just in case.”
But boy was I setting the stage for my own ruin. I was heading toward destruction. Part of me knew it & part of me didn’t care anymore. I wanted to see for myself.
Heading Out into Choppy Waters
And so the journey became more & more choppy. I had so MANY questions & no matter how many people I asked for answers, I always came back to the same conclusion: “to err is human.” And that being true, how could I trust any answer given to me by any living human being or any human in history?
How could I trust a Bible I wasn’t around to see completed? What if it was all made up? What if it really was just a bunch of men coming together? What if it was faked?
How could I trust physical evidences of God, the Bible, biblical history, etc., if evidences were faked all the time about other things?
How could I prove God if I couldn’t see Him, hear Him, feel Him, etc.?
Okay, so I trusted Jesus to save me, somehow even in all of that turmoil… but what if there were other ways to God? What if I was wrong?
I grew up a Christian, in a Christian home. What if I was just brainwashed by my upbringing. Not lied to, but believing only because I was told it was what I ought to believe?
What if God just made me & saved me & just doesn’t care about me much beyond that? What if He doesn’t even know what’s going on on earth or just doesn’t care?
The questions swirled & raged & tormented me. Nothing in life felt certain anymore. Nothing made sense. Nothing was sure. I didn’t know what to believe. I was scared.
Then my depression began to spiral. And everything got a whole lot worse.
I Thought God Wasn’t Listening… But He Had a Plan All Along
I no longer had a firm, steady, sure foundation, so when the depression symptoms began to creep in & the consequences of that started to show themselves & Satan started to exploit all of that… I didn’t have anything to hold on to. (Read more about how to recognize the different parts of depression so you can fight back, here: “Understanding Depression with Discernment.”)
I prayed for freedom from it. It didn’t come.
I prayed for an escape from it. It didn’t come.
The lack of response reinforced all of my doubts & all of my fears. I felt like God could care less about me.
I cried all the time, begging Him to help me… & yet the inescapable, gut-wrenching pain inside of me raged on—there was no escape… no relief… no freedom.
I Went My Own Way… Big Mistake
I was a prisoner in my own mind. No help came. No hope was in sight.
So, my desperate hunger for happiness just consumed me. I no longer believed I could trust God could provide that for me… or would provide it if He could.
But the problem was that everything I turned to for happiness seemed to get ripped out from under me time & time again.
Desperation mounted. I begged God still. Pain continued still. So I chased after anything I thought could help me instead. And all of it failed me or proved insufficient.
Hiding Behind a Smile
I stopped asking for help because seeing someone judge me, not take me seriously, or just be plain clueless on how to help after I had mustered up every bit of courage to ask for help just left me feeling 10x more helpless. The despair would just engulf me completely because I felt it was proof that there was no way out.
I learned how to hide my pain behind a convincing smile, jokes, laughter… an air of “I don’t care because I’m just fine,” while inside I was giving up & losing hope.
“In high school, I learned to come home, greet my family, say something like, “I’m gonna go work on some homework!” with a pep in my step & a confident smile, walk calmly to my room, open & close it in complete silence, turn the lock, drop the smile, numbly walk to my bed, grab a pillow & a blanket, open my closet door, step in & close the door behind me as I slumped to the floor in the corner, hold the pillow up to my face & just sob (& scream) uncontrollably into my pillow until I had no more strength left to cry. Then I would slump against the corner wall against my pillow & just stare into the darkness for an hour or so, whimpering, begging God to make the pain go away. And when it didn’t, I started to think of ways I could kill myself with the least amount of emotional damage to my family.
For 2 years in high school, this is what a majority of my days looked like… & nobody knew.
Where Was God?
It was an internal gut-wrenching ache in me that was so completely overwhelming & all-consuming sometimes. No explanation either. Sometimes nothing even needed to trigger it. It made no sense—so when people asked me why I was sad, I had no clue how to even answer them because I just didn’t know… & that was frustrating beyond comprehension. It was maddening.
I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t let it stop.
I begged Him every single day.
He didn’t make it stop.
I doubted Him even more. Maybe He couldn’t help me. Maybe He just wouldn’t help me. Maybe He wasn’t enough. Maybe He didn’t care.
My hope was slipping away from me.
I wanted answers to my questions. I wanted to know 100% but every time God would give me a glimpse of relief or a happy day off from the pain, I would KNOW it was Him… a direct response to a prayer I had prayed… but then the doubts would win & I would accredit that relief to something else & move on.
All of My Support Slipped Away
All of my emotional crutches kept breaking.
My grades were trash… A’s & B’s turned into D’s & F’s, with occasional C’s.
Teachers that once praised me as the “good student” now saw me as someone who had given up & who didn’t care… so their faith in me evaporated & their praise & my good reputation went with it.
Many of my friends (not all!) were really no friends at all. I even got invited to a party with friends once, only to be uninvited because they had a limit & a boy someone liked had agreed to go… so I was dropped. Or the time a group of “friends” openly laughed at me, only to have someone speak up with a, “that’s not very nice” to their response of, “it’s just Michelle, who cares?” Quality friendship right there, huh?
I could do no right. I was a failure. I was broken. I was a burden. I was a joke. My pain was annoying. “Why can’t I just be happier?” I was frustrating. I was bleeding emotionally & no one noticed. No one knew how to help me. Some gave up trying. Others thought I was just dramatic. I felt alone.
So, I hid my pain away, pretending to be okay, crying alone in my closet most days when I got home as I described earlier.
The Night When Suicide No Longer Scared Me
And then came the night in my sophomore year of high school when I no longer cared to fight. I no longer saw any sign of hope. I had exhausted all of my failed attempts at happiness. My emotional crutches in life had all proved completely insufficient. I had nothing left. No safe space person in my life remained. I was alone. I had nothing to live for anymore. “Everyone’s life would be easier & less complicated if I just wasn’t in it anymore.” I was the problem & there was no other solution left.
Either God was enough or my life needed to end.
That was my final conclusion. There were no other options left. I was no longer scared of suicide.
Either God was enough or my life needed to end.
Either God Was Enough or My Life Needed to End
The weight of that reality weighed down on me so heavily that I could no longer hold up the weight of my own body.
I slumped off of my bed, slid to the floor, & lay face first flat on the ground with my arms at my side & I just wept into the carpet alone, while the rest of my world went on around me totally unaware.
And I cried out one more prayer to God & it was something like this:
“God, nothing works. I have tried everything. Everything that makes me happy, I have poured myself into only to see it’s never enough. Everything I relied on & cared about in my life has just slipped away from me. I don’t have anything left. I’m alone. I have nothing. I am nothing. I don’t have strength to fight anymore. I don’t care. I don’t want to try anymore. I just can’t do it anymore. I have nothing left. I can’t do this anymore. If You’re not the answer, there is no answer. If You’re not the hope, there is no hope. There is nothing. NOTHING works. NOTHING is sufficient. EVERYTHING has failed me. I have NOTHING. I need You. I need You so bad. I can’t do this anymore. Please help me. Please show me that You are here, with me, right now—NOT off in heaven ignoring me or laughing at me as I struggle… but HERE WITH ME. SHOW me that You CARE about me, that You LOVE me. Show me that I can trust You. I NEED to KNOW I can trust You once & for all. I NEED You because there is nothing else. I need You. If You are not able to sufficiently show me Yourself that I can indeed trust You completely & that You’re here & that You care about me… just KILL ME already, because I have nothing left. I no longer care about the consequences of my death because the pain is drowning me & I have nothing left in me to fight it anymore. Show me You are real, that You are right here with me, & that You care about me… or let me die. AMEN.”
Not the Words I Prayed, But the One to Whom I Prayed
There’s nothing magical about that prayer. If you are struggling, then memorizing or quoting that prayer will do you absolutely no good.
No—what it came down to was me recognizing once & for all that there is only ONE God. Only ONE hope. No other. No other emotional crutches, no substitutes, no supplemental supports I needed were going to give me hope.
ONLY GOD ALMIGHTY. ONLY JESUS.
ONLY.
Nothing else.
And when I recognized that & came to Him with nothing else as my backup & I prayed from that heart recognition….
Something that none of my efforts ever could accomplish happened in a single instant.
God Had a Perfect Plan
Chills spread across my body. The ache lifted out of me like it was being super-vacuumed out of me. The weight just dissipated instantaneously.
I felt free.
I felt light.
I felt HOPE.
Sobs of relief flooded through me & I felt like I could BREATHE for the first time in 2 years.
And in that moment, as I brought myself up to sitting cross-legged on my carpeted bedroom floor, I felt as if a warm embrace physically wrapped around my entire being & I felt a flooding sensation of LOVE & SAFE just fill in every dark crevice of my soul.
The relief I felt in that moment was indescribable & overwhelming. I cried… but this time, it was from a relief & joy that flooded me.
And all of a sudden, I knew that those 2 years were an undeniable demonstration of His gracious, loving MERCY… of His indescribably GOODNESS. Because now I KNEW He is Who He says He is once & for all.
God Knew Exactly What I Needed
My doubts had taken over my life & left me rocky & unstable & unsure & all of a sudden, all of that just was swept completely away by an absolute assurance that God is GOD & that when I have absolutely NOTHING… if I have Him, I have EVERYTHING.
He. Is. My. ENOUGH.
God knew I would tirelessly credit everything & everyone but Him… that I would always put something else in the credits of my hope & joy. God knew He needed to strip away everything else I relied on as my security & hope for me to see that HE IS my Hope.
I know I still get pulled away by comforts & other things I try to support me. I still fail & mess up.
But now, deep down, I have an assurance like none other… that all I really need is Him.
He Is Worthy!
Why do I do what I do? Because I want YOU to have that SAME ASSURANCE flowing through EVERYTHING in your life.
That He is WORTH IT. That He is DESERVING. That He LOVES YOU INDESCRIBABLY so.
Living for Him is an honor. Living for Him requires sacrifice, but only for that which is far greater.
Growing up a Christian—A Grace-Filled Life
Why is this series called “Growing up a Christian—A Grace-Filled Life”? Because grace implies an undeserving, & wow is that an accurate depiction of my life.
How often how ungrateful I am. How often I chase other things for comfort. How often I want to wallow versus pray. How often I want to live for me versus give my all for Him.
I will forever be a work in progress. It will always be a grace-filled life because I will never deserve it.
But THANK GOD He will never give up on me & that He will never stop loving me….
The same goes for you, too.
So, shine HOPE by taking doubts to Him… by learning from my experiences & coming to that conclusion that HE IS WHERE YOUR TRUE HOPE COMES FROM & that even if you lost it all… if you have Him, you have it all. SHINE THAT HOPE.
Coming Next Week
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Forest Critters Ornament Set (NEPAL)
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