Getting Vulnerable

Today, I am about to get a little vulnerable with you. I am going to let you peek inside my reality of living in a foreign country, away from most English. I am going to share my journey with high stress & anxiety.

Some of you, if you have not had a similar experience, may be tempted to roll your eyes at me. You may think I am grossly exaggerating the truth in order to get attention or to make an interesting story & I honestly wish that were the truth, but it isn’t.

Some of you may know exactly how this feels & have felt like maybe you were the only one who has ever been ripped to shreds through anxiety & stress. You aren’t.

You Are Not Crazy.

Mental illness & struggles can make you feel like you have gone mad & you wonder what is wrong with you. Anxiety, like most mental struggles is something that does not discriminate & if left unchecked can literally ruin your relationships & your life. Sometimes, it can lead to suicide.

Anxiety, depression, high stress, PPD, PTSD, & so many other mental illnesses or imbalances can be serious business. Don’t take them lightly. Get help. It’s okay to not be okay.

Offer Unconditional Love

If someone you know confesses to a deep problem with anxiety or the other many mental illnesses/struggles out there, pray with them, for them, & seek to get them help & support. Show them that it is okay to not be okay. Show them that you love them in the mess, without expecting them to “get better” while you avoid them in the meantime. Trust God to be your strength & wisdom as you love them through their struggle. You don’t have to have all the answers or the great solution. Just love them & give them a safe space.

So, here I go….

A History of Depression

As a background, I have been through struggles with depression twice in my life. The first time was two full years in high school that left me in deep sobs almost every day, wishing my life were over, but too scared for suicide.

The second time depression hit, it hit twice as hard. I think because the first round drew me to understand how real God is & how much He really does love me, I assumed it was a lesson learned & thought that was the end of it, so when it attacked again, I fell hard. Suicidal plans on several occasions fortunately scared me into getting help.

God Guides When We Let Him

Fast forward about ten years & I meet Jamie, my handsome husband whom I love dearly. I was scared of commitment & hurt from my past, but God walked alongside me & gave me the confidence to lean into Him to guide me through my relationship of dating Jamie.

Through God’s amazingly inconceivable guidance (really, it blows my mind when I realize how involved He is when we let Him! Check out our love story, here), but through that, God led us to our wedding day for which I am eternally grateful.

Wedded Bliss Is Sometimes Stressful–Can I Get an Amen?

Three months after that wedding day, we moved to the opposite side of the planet, to beautiful, tropical Guam.

In my mind, living on a tropical island seemed like a dream rather than reality, but stress does not discriminate based on location.

I didn’t have a job or a car or friends for a good long time on Guam. I had come so eager & full of life & love, but was not met with great response.

Jamie worked twelve-hour shifts, plus the drive to & from, & usually ended up taking on extra shifts into his days off. Inevitably, he had little energy or much of anything left to offer me when he was home.

My life was defined by isolation & extreme loneliness like I had never known before.

Add to that, the fighting.

So. Much. Fighting. He was tired, I was sad… It wasn’t a great combination. It left him feeling inadequate & strained… It left me feeling abandoned & unloved.

While God worked through our tensions, through much prayer time as a couple, our relationship grew stronger, but the overall stress remained.

I became resentful of my circumstances & instead of bowing them at the feet of Jesus & clinging to Him as my ENOUGH while I struggled, I grew bitter because the pain I struggled with every day refused to go away for good.

Enter: Life as a Foreigner

Then we moved to Japan.

We moved to an area of Japan with almost ZERO English spoken or written. We moved to an area of Japan where full conversations rarely happened because broken English made them more difficult. We moved to an area of Japan that made my foreignness stand out like a glaring neon sign, mocking me at every difficulty to live my day to day life.

I loved our time there & our friends & church family & the immense beauty seen & adventures had, but stress was a natural byproduct of living life as a foreigner.

Loneliness increased. Isolation increased. Pressure & strain increased.

I was HAPPY with my life, but I was so stressed out that I couldn’t seem to enjoy it for very long! That’s part of what made me feel crazy because I could acknowledge the good in my life, yet still feel like I was crumbling.

Feeling the Disconnect

Thankfully, Jamie & I had learned on Guam that the fight was not against each other & since he had a lighter work schedule, we tended to work together instead of against each other on this move, but he still couldn’t fully grasp my struggle since he had some English spoken at work & dealt with equipment in English.

On top of that, church was in Japanese, with translators we are eternally indebted to & grateful for, but who were not professionals. We missed a lot just because that’s how it is. Lost in translation was another hurdle because words don’t always translate the same way in different languages.

Stress Off the Charts

I am certain that I would have broken a stress test had I had the opportunity to take one. I was crumbling with each passing week.

Eventually, I didn’t even recognize myself anymore.

The joy, the optimism, the hope, the faith in God’s ability & love… Regular prayer & hope in God… Spiritual support & encouragement… Everything started fading to grey & then turning to black.

Survival Mode

I started giving up & turning to survival mode only.

Every day was about getting myself to live until the next day.

Some days, all plans got thrown out the window because a day of Netflix was all that my stress & anxiety could handle.

I watched happy videos & read happy posts on Facebook that left me in bitter tears–incredibly sad that it felt so out of reach for me.

My Past Struggle with “Barrenness”

(*I put that in quotes because I don’t know if I am actually barren. I just know that despite the doctors giving me green lights across the board, I have no baby to show for 5-6 years of trying.)

On top of everything was a lack of children. My dream was to have children & to raise them intentionally to be lights out in the dark world for Christ long after I am gone, but God withheld even that from me. I felt like He was saying I wasn’t even good enough for that gift.

I thought maybe if I had purpose as a Mom… Someone to keep me company & love me… Someone I could love & pour into…. But God kept saying no. It crushed my spirit.

(*As an update on children, God has really shone light & hope into that area for me so that it no longer haunts me with disappointment, bitterness & pain… check out my blog post on it, here.)

The Crazy Got Worse

And then the rage came.

To people that ask, I describe it as having had a rage monster living inside of me, who thrashes & scrapes at me constantly. The rage began controlling my life.

And the sadness. The tears.

The triggers seemed to grow exponentially as things that once seemed to roll of my back as no big deal now seemed like it was the end of the world. When once I would shrug & laugh it off, now it seemed to rip through to my core, erupting tears of despair or uncontrolled bouts of rage.

I felt my sanity slipping & it scared me!

I remember calling Jamie when I was on home leave (with him meeting me in a week or so), crying because I thought that being away from the stress would relax me, but that I still felt uncontrolled rage & sadness at every tiny trigger. I was crushed!

Don’t get me wrong, I still had good hours, days, & weeks, but it was just that when things used to just slide off me, now they consumed me with anger or despair. I knew, logically, that there was no reason to feel so distraught, but it didn’t seem to matter. Imagine PMS that never ends & your emotions are on a constant roller coaster to the extreme.

And It Got Worse

And my language. WOW. Growing up in a Christian home, I always watched my mouth (soapy tongue was the consequence if I didn’t control it). And then, all of a sudden my language was more foul that I had ever heard from those who let it flow. (All of this was under my breath or when no one was around, but when no one was home, it was screamed.)

As an example, in trying to pack up our nativity scene after one Christmas, the Styrofoam packaging kept breaking apart, would not fit back together properly, & thus was a struggle to get it back into the box. My reaction? Dropping the Styrofoam with nativity piece & then chucking the box at the wall until it tore into several pieces, all while stringing together ten or more curse words at full volume (imagine a shrieking scream as I yelled them). Then? Tears.

The crazy was getting real & I couldn’t figure out how to make it stop.

Hurting Those Around Me

That became my life. It took everything in me to keep from doing that in front of Jamie, but I would try to leave the room to react or write long hateful messages on my phone notes to get it out of my system before I could explode.

Our cat, Cisco, would even hide from me when I would erupt, too scared for me to touch him.

Broken, & Feeling Hopeless

I didn’t recognize myself. I was broken & I couldn’t seem to put myself together again.

Hope was slowly draining out of every pore in me.

No one seemed to understand. Everyone had flat suggestions that I had tried a billion times. They seemed to be slowly stepping away from me, trying to avoid my stress from seeping into their own lives.

I felt SO ALONE!

A Safe Space

Luckily, because Jamie knew my history with depression, he was a safe space for me, which gave me some control over it completely devouring my life & sending me to suicide, but I was barely holding on each day.

When we had the choice to leave Hokkaido or extend, I told Jamie, “Here is my opinion. Either we leave as soon as we are contractually allowed to go, or we sign me up for counseling as soon as we possibly can because I am falling apart & I need serious help. This is not a drill. This is not an exaggeration. This is not a temporary emotional tremor. I need help. NOW. Because, if we do not leave the immensely consuming stress triggers or if I don’t get help soon, I am going to be a risk for suicide. I need help now.”

He listened, thankfully, & we moved within a few months. Praise GOD.

Recovering from the Damage

But the damage had already been done & it followed me like a threatening plague that had infiltrated my life.

I started asking God for help.

My prayers were barely believing, merely out of desperation, & they sounded something like, “I don’t know if You even care about me anymore or why You’re letting me just keep suffering, but somehow I know You must have a plan. Don’t You? Help me! I have nothing left, but I need help, so please help me.”

My Faith Was Small, But My God Is BIG

I barely believed He would even do anything.

Barely believed… you might say I had only a mustard seed-sized faith. Sound familiar? (Luke 17:6)

I had nothing left to give. Nothing to contribute to getting better. Nothing to offer God to use to help me.

I was broken & beaten. I was scarred & scared. I was sad & lonely. I was angry & bitter & hurt. No strength left to even lick my wounds. Just exhausted & done fighting it. I felt hurt at the woman I had become from a woman of strong faith in God’s ability, power, & love, to a woman sniveling on the floor, not strong enough to even lift her head out of the muck that was my life.

But, GOD

But. God. Can.

He. Is. Able.

When I can’t, He can.

When I can’t offer anything, He offers His all.

When I see no foreseeable victory, He conquers it all.

When I give up, He stays faithful.

When I am broken, He heals me.

He. Is. Enough.

There IS Hope

So, in those moments where you feel you’re not enough… When you feel like your life is falling apart & there is no fix in sight… GOD CAN.

When you feel resentful & bitter & have given up… GOD CAN.

When you feel you can’t fix it… GOD CAN.

When you are a complete failure with no value left to offer the world… GOD CAN.

GOD. CAN.

Sometimes, He lets us face the hardest trials of life where we cannot see any hope or good coming from it, but GOD HAS A PLAN.

God Is Mighty!!

In those moments we have the opportunity to see just how GREAT & MIGHTY & POWERFUL God is, because we know that none of it was from us!

Cling to Him. Lean into Him. Collapse into His arms or at His feet. Cry out to Him. Be honest with Him.

Ask for a heart change to allow you to trust Him when you don’t.

Just. Trust. Him.

GOD. CAN.

You have a choice between two statements:

“God, I can’t do this. I am broken. I am bitter & angry & sad. I fail at everything. I don’t have anything left to give. I give up.”

OR

“God, I can’t do this. I am broken. I am bitter & angry & sad. I fail at everything. I don’t have anything left to give. But You are MIGHTY. Help me to trust YOU. Help me to cling to YOU. Thought the storm may rage around me, yet I will trust in YOU.”

Amen?

AMEN!

I hope this has encouraged someone. I hope this has helped you see that in the hopeless, there is still hope.

Only. In. Christ Jesus.

Shine HOPE!

Coming Next Week

Check back every Monday morning EST for more encouragement!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Legacy Necklace

This necklace features a cream & grey chevron pendant made from ethically collected bone & resin, which distributes 20 strands of shimmering fringe.

Artisan Information:

The poverty cycle in India continues primarily because of the lack of education. Most schools are not free or affordable. Therefore, many children never learn to read or write & they grow up with limited opportunities. However, every purchase of this product empowers women to provide for their children & to send them to school! You have the opportunity to end poverty & create an impact for generations to come!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!