How to Deal with Anger
A Topic Worth Revisiting
This is something I have definitely talked about before, but because I am currently feeling I need reminders in this area, I thought it would be good to revisit it, even if just for my own sake.
Oh, anger. It’s so easy to justify sometimes, isn’t it? Holding onto it, I mean.
I feel emotions strongly…. I don’t do small emotions. It annoys people sometimes & I get it… it annoys me sometimes, too.
And growing up, I always believed, whether it was implied or told, that “good Christians are not supposed to feel big emotions—especially ‘bad’ ones like anger.”
But telling someone not to feel anger is like telling someone not to feel physical pain when injured… it’s silly, lacks any compassion, & just is not realistic or reasonable. And it is certainly not kind.
Anger just sort of shows up, whether you want it to or not.
Minimizing Wrongs Is Not the Same As Trusting God with It (Read That Again)
Well, I didn’t know how to just not be angry in order to “be a good Christian,” but I felt I had to avoid or deny or stuff feelings if I were to show I “trusted God,” so I would usually cry about it & then convince myself of all the many “reasons to not be mad”:
Like, “I’m sure they didn’t mean it,” or, “they’re probably just having a bad day,” or “they’re a sinner, what do I expect?” Or, “maybe I just deserve it.”
So, what was I doing? I was making excuses FOR their wrong choices. I was JUSTIFYING their wrong choices. I was convincing myself that their wrong choices weren’t all that wrong if I thought hard enough about it.
Wow. NO. Wrong way to deal with it. Don’t do that.
God doesn’t do that (He sent Jesus to DIE for those very wrong choices), (Isaiah 53:3-12) Jesus didn’t do that (He paid for it with His life—WILLINGLY), & even the human authors inspired by God to write the Bible didn’t do that.
So do NOT minimize sin/wrongs in order to manage your anger.
Anger Is Not a Sin… It’s What You DO with Anger That Can Turn It Sinful
Anger is an emotional response to something. It is not a sin. Let me say that again for those who missed it: ANGER is NOT a SIN.
Emotions are not sinful. They are how we were made to feel & connect with the world around us.
The problem comes when we take matters into our own hands. When we determine to HOLD ON to our anger. THAT’S when the red flags start waving & the warning bells start ringing.
Our Anger Is NOT a Valid Excuse for Our Own Sin
I am not endorsing retaliation, vengeance, “them getting what they deserve,” lashing out, bitterness, slander, or any other sinful ways God warns us not to engage in when we’re angry, either. (Read that list here: Colossians 3:8 & Ephesians 4:31-32, even taking a minute to look up what each word actually means, like malice is ill will toward someone & clamor is shouting/making loud noises in anger—taking time to look these up in the dictionary individually will really help that truth settle in your heart.)
So what then? If stuffing it does not prove we “have faith” & reacting the way we often feel like reacting is sin against God… how are we supposed to deal with anger then?
Have You Ever Read through the Psalms?
Well, I get to reading Psalms for the whateverth time & something new starts to dawn on me as I read: David & the other authors of the Psalms did NOT sugar coat their prayers or water them down or “Christianize” them.
Their prayers are raw. Many are ANGRY. Some are even violent. (Read Psalm 143 for an example of big, unfiltered, raw emotions with ANGER involved, too.)
But how do most, if not ALL of these prayers end? … In PRAISE to God, almost a: “THIS IS HOW I AM FEELING!!! … but… God, I trust You because You know what You’re doing & You’re bigger than me & I know I can trust You no matter how awful or out of control things may look right now.
Wow. True FAITH is NOT stuffing emotions or sugar-coating them away… it’s being raw & real with God about said emotions & then remembering all the reasons God is good for it & can be trusted with it.
Not Only Are Feelings Okay… Let’s See How to DEAL with Them
And considering the context of other instances/verses about anger that I had read, it started to all come together with both the angry Psalms & 2 other main verses I noticed:
- Be angry & don’t sin—being careful not to give room for the devil to exploit it. (Ephesians 4:26-27)
- Love your enemy & pray for those who spitefully use you/persecute you. (Matthew 5:43-44)
Take Stock: What Triggers Your Anger?
Maybe it’s from feeling misunderstood or having your character questioned from said misunderstanding.
Maybe it’s from someone being unkind, aggressive, or ruthless toward you.
Maybe it’s from witnessing a gross injustice.
Maybe it’s from something not going your way or hours of planning & preparation just ending up doing zero good for the situation at hand.
Maybe it’s trauma related & you are cut deeeep.
When Does It Feel Like You Have No Choice but to Steam or Scream?
Maybe it’s watching political parties & so many news channels act more akin to schoolyard bullies rather than grown, professional adults as they represent our country.
Maybe it’s seeing the awful, terrible, long-reaching effects of sin in our world & how ugly it is to watch unfold.
Maybe it’s a diagnosis.
Maybe it’s the death of someone you love.
Maybe it’s birthed from life just being out of your control, like a storm destroying everything around you & you can’t seem to be able to do anything to stop it.
What Makes You So Angry You Forget to Pray about it First?
Maybe your kids back-talked one too many times or a car road-raged against you one too many times or your spouse made a stray stinging comment one too many times.
Or feeling unappreciated, neglected, bullied, ostracized, criticized, alone, wronged, cheated, cheated on, etc.
There’s a lot to get angry about, isn’t there?
And with all of that, I had learned this idea that I am not supposed to feel any of it?
How?!
Anger Is So Tempting to Hold onto, Isn’t It?
I have talked a lot recently about people criticizing & judging & making you feel small. I have experienced all of that, whether intended or not. It hurts… & anger can definitely spring up with hurts like that, along with your gradually shrinking internally.
And anger can feel good, can’t it? Like validation. Like, “yeah, I have a RIGHT to this!” All the while rehearsing the situation over & over & over again in your head?
Anger can feel like control… like we’re taking the control back.
It can feel like if we don’t… they get away with it… like the wrong never happened. And it feels a little bit like: “I can’t ever let that happen.”
But, God warns us not to hold on to our anger. (Hebrews 12:15)
It Comes Back to This Pesky Little Truth: We Need Surrender
Well, this isn’t always the most comfortable or popular answer—& it certainly is NOT a NATURAL response—because refusing to release anger, holding onto it toward bitterness & MORE feels like it’s justified & validating… but the answer is one word that just keeps on coming back up: SURRENDER.
Taking a deep breath… or two… or three…. Closing your eyes….And turning your heart & hurt toward God:
“God, I can’t. I can’t love them. HOW am I supposed to love them? HOW am I supposed to thank You in ALL circumstances? Please forgive me for being so tempted to hate. To rage. To just scream & wish them to get what they ‘deserve.’ I will not avoid or minimize this feeling or deny it happened or justify it for them, because what happened WAS wrong. But I also know that this anger I am feeling, as natural as it is to feel it, ought to be a trigger to pray for the situation… a reminder that I need You & that this person or this situation needs YOU. That’s what the anger should trigger in me rather than me taking control in it. Help me give it to You. Help me to enTRUST it to You. Help every rightful spark of anger lead me back to You for help. Thank You for not holding my own wrongs against me. Jesus paid for this, too. It was no small sacrifice because it was no small wrong. Please help me to also not minimize the sacrifice You gave with Your life, like a lamb to the slaughter… for me… & even for this. Help me to love like You love—even when it is undeserved. Help me let go of needing validation or control, trusting that holding onto it versus trusting You with it IS sin. Help me trust You with it even when it really, really hurts. You are God & I am not. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”
I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not even saying it feels good. But it’s what we NEED when we are angry.
Am I Willing to Make the CHOICE?
When I feel angry oh boy do I want to STEW. I want to rehearse. I want to replay it in my head a thousand times to see what I could have done to prevent it or where I messed up or how they could have ever done something like that to me. I feel HURT. I take it personally. I cry & sometimes want to scream. Profanity even slips into my thoughts where I have to lay that down immediately & repent sometimes several times in a row if I am provoked several times in a row. Clenched fists & jaw & sometimes I just want to give up & say, “God, I am ready, bring me home!” When I am hurt, I hurt big sometimes. I feel too weak for this world sometimes because of it.
Responding rightly WHEN we are rightfully angry IS NOT EASY.
But it’s how we ought to respond to our anger nonetheless. It’s a choice we have to CHOOSE to make. We need to INTENTIONALLY turn it over to God & ask for His righteous judgement & able hand to take it from there… to ask for help in learning to thank Him even when everything seems awful, & for help trusting that He really is enough & though anger can feel good, it’s not worth holding onto.
CHOOSE to Praise Him & Trust Him
Shine HOPE by being a quick repenter when your anger tempts you to respond in a way that dishonors or displeases God, choosing to trust God to help you even when everything just feels plain awful.
(***Need a song to help you go from expressing your hurt to God to praising Him for all the MANY reasons you have to trust Him through every bit of any type of anger you may be feeling? Go have a listen to CeCe Winans’ “Goodness of God.” What a humbling song of surrender, washed in His wonderful goodness through ANY trial.***)
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