My Prone-to-Rebellion Heart
I have been honest lately about specific sin areas that I wrestle with, & while I have seen God move mountains from where I once was, I still have so much work to do on my stubborn, prone-to-rebellion heart.
It’s not that I don’t want to please God, but I oftentimes want both—to find a way to please Him AND still have what I want.
Like with lust, as I talked about in “Lust, the Secret Sin”, I look for loopholes where I can “technically” still obey, but still indulge in what I want. I justify & try to fool myself & others until I can keep my façade that I don’t mean to be a façade.
My heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9), as the Bible says, & I am pretty good at fooling even myself when I want to. But the Bible, God, also says that my heart is desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9), as is true for every other human being.
Paul even laments this in saying that he does what he does not want to do & doesn’t do what he wants to do. (Romans 7:15)
Our lustful flesh is constantly tugging at us to just take a bite & all will be well. And I am no exception with this pull.
Getting My Way (Over God’s) Never Pays Off
Satan’s tactics haven’t changed much since his, “but did God reaaally say that?” (Genesis 3:1) Satan still does this to us every day, creeping in little doubts & little, “but maybe you should try YOUR way… just in case God is wrong this time.”
But God is NEVER wrong, is He?
And I know this. I have seen it firsthand, in my life. I have seen me wrestle & “win,” getting my way & then seeing all the cards inevitably fall. My way never works & then His way always does.
But still I resist. STILL.
So Defeating… & Yet, Met with So Much Grace upon GRACE
If you are feeling beat up by Satan for making the same bad choice or disobeying God the same way for the hundredth time & Satan is whispering to you that you must not be a Christian, you must be lying to yourself, & not to come crawling back to God AGAIN… I get it, I REALLY get it.
Satan is very good at deception & lies… in fact, God, in the Bible, describes him as “the father of lies.” (John 8:44) His whole business is lying to us… & seeking whom he may devour, kill, & destroy (1 Peter 5:8; John 10:10) . And he is good at it.
But God is bigger still.
God’s Grace ABOUNDS
There’s a little nugget of Truth God has been reminding me of lately—besides the story of the prodigal son’s return (Luke 15:11-31), where the son was rehearsing his speech after all his wrongs against his father, but he could barely get a word out before the grand, warm, happiest of welcome homes by his father—but besides that story, is the little nugget where Paul is talking about how awesome God’s grace is, how much we NEED it & how powerful & all-covering it really is, before saying, “but does that mean we should let sin abound because God’s grace abounds? Certainly not!” (Romans 5:1-6:2; 2 Corinthians 9:8)
But read that again. “Because God’s grace ABOUNDS.”
And again, “WHILE we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (emphasis mine-Romans 5:8)
In other words, it’s not based on my goodness or willpower of lack of mistakes… my standing before God, once my faith is placed on Jesus, is based solely on my faith in HIS goodness, HIS obedience to God on the cross, HIS perfection & holiness! NOT mine.
Hallelujah! Praise God!
But Still… The Sin That So Easily Ensnares Me
But still….
The sin that so easily ensnares…. (Hebrews 12:1b-2)
I am so easily deceived. The lusts of my flesh still scream for attention sometimes, wanting what I know is not good for me… wanting what God commands me to avoid. (& if He commands ANYTHING, it’s because He knows better what will damage/harm me & what will bless/fulfill me. His Truth is the ONLY standard I can 100% rely on 100% of the time!)
But still….
The sin that so easily ensnares….
Why?
How Do I Move Forward When I Don’t Want To?
So, knowing all of this:
- God is always right
- God’s grace ABOUNDS, DESPITE my undeserving
- My heart, in its lusts is deceitful & desperately wicked
- Satan is always whispering doubts in God so I get ensnared by those lusts of the flesh
- AND God can help me, where it is impossible for me, nothing is impossible with God (Matthew 19:26; Ephesians 3:20-21)
But what do I do, knowing all of that, when I don’t WANT to change?
Asking Me to Give Up My Idol Feels Like a Threat…
I recently signed up for a new health program & I find myself stressed because I feel like the meal plan is asking me to give up my nonexistent firstborn child.
I have, with God’s unwavering support, guidance, & help, grown leaps & bounds from old me & old habits… I walk daily, make more well-rounded breakfasts every morning, cook a Whole30 Fast & Easy recipe every week (I LOVE their recipes & it focuses on whole, clean foods–it’s been a lifesaver of delicious, easy recipes that help me learn to eat better & enjoy it! (I don’t get commissions for advertising, I just really love it), etc….
BUT, I love to eat out. I love to treat myself with FOOD. When I am restless, stressed, bored, etc., I want food as my burst of joy. I turn to food as a dopamine fix to help me feel excited about my day. It makes me happy.
BUT, I turn to food to numb over hard things vs. turning to God for wisdom/direction in those moments.
I have made food an idol that I worship & adore, that I turn to in times of distress or anxiety, that I turn to to feel good & be excited for my day.
And asking me to give up eating out or eating whenever I feel like it… feels like a threat. I tense up & look for my loopholes to reassure me into staying just as I am.
Obeying in Part… Is Disobedience Still
But I had all the loopholes. I convinced myself that the SOME was good enough. SOME good habits, but keep some bad ones. Do SOME good for my body, while still getting to hurt it sometimes (too often).
I’m not saying I can’t ever enjoy food, but as my friend Jackie says, “God wants us to enjoy PURE pleasures—pleasures that don’t have negative side effects that hurt us.”
And eating out 5 times a week is not exactly a PURE pleasure. It has side effects on my insides: headaches, tummy aches, fatigue, etc. & indulging so often is definitely NOT a pure pleasure.
But I don’t want to change. I don’t want to give up my over-indulgences. I LIKE going to food when I am tired, sad, bored, restless, anxious, or as something to look forward to when out shopping or out on a date with my hubs or vacationing.
And telling me no feels like a threat to my happiness.
I feel like I don’t even want to pray about it because I don’t want to feel MORE like I should stop.
HOW to Move Forward When You Don’t Want To
So, here goes… How to move forward when you don’t want to:
Pray.
I know, I know… prayer does little without me being willing to ACT ON what God directs me to do.
But I need to repent. I need to be honest with myself AND with God. I need to be willing to accept that no matter how WELL I can justify it or sugar-coat it, I am abusing the body God made for me when I shut Him out & rebel.
I am dishonoring Him with my choices in how I treat His creation—ME.
I need to confess that to Him. I need to be willing to accept it as wrong, EVEN IF I have NO desire to do ANYTHING about it.
And then I need to ask for His help even in the WANT.
My Prayer in Stubbornness
“God, I am sorry I have mistreated Your creation—ME. I’m sorry that I abuse it in my abundance of wrong choices. I’m sorry I am so rebellious & stubborn & selfish, no matter the COST. Please forgive me. And forgive me for my attitude of rebellion, of not even wanting to change, KNOWING I need to. I have an addiction that feels impossible to break free from. I relied on food in Hokkaido in my darkest times because it was the ONLY thing about my life that made me feel any NORMALCY, but in that, I created a pattern, a harmful, destructive pattern, of turning to food over You. I’m sorry, LORD. Please forgive me for relying on my “need” for a fix more than on You. I’m sorry for how hard-headed I am, how much I resist Your good judgements. Forgive me. Please help change my heart. Renew me. Help me see that I can hand this addiction over to You. Help me see I can trust You with it. Help me let go. Guide me to learn PURE pleasures that honor You with how I treat my body AND are things I heartily enjoy. Thank You for starting that spark with the Whole30 Fast & Easy cookbook. Continue to work that out in me & change me. Make me want what You want for me. Help me let go of food & turn to You as my hope & joy instead. Help me know HOW. Thank You for Your ever-persistent faithfulness, love, & goodness… & GRACE that ABOUNDS… toward me. Thank You for never giving up on me… or on any of us. You are so patient & kind & gentle… & powerful to do the “impossible.” Thank You, Lord, forgive me… & help me. AMEN.”
It Feels IMPOSSIBLE, But WITH God, It Is NOT
“With man [humanity/willpower], it is impossible, but with God, all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26)
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful & just & will forgive us our sins & purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)
“Have no other ‘gods’ before Me.” (Exodus 20:3)
Shine HOPE, by not letting your deceitful heart rule your decisions, but rather the Truth of God, with His help every step of the way… even when you don’t want it.
Coming Next Week
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Silver Medallion Necklace
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