I’m Not the Person for the Job

Lately, I have been doing a lot more reflection on the fact of my undeserving to represent God to you.

I am just an average person. You may look at me in awe, wondering how I can display the discipline & ambition to start & run a website, with a social media community to boot, but I am just an average person.

I get complimented regularly for these accomplishments, for which I am so grateful because the encouragement is often just the motivation I need that day, but you need to know the truth about me.

My go-to is not to edify, build up, or encourage. My default ambition is not to reach out & inspire & pray for.

Quite the contrary.

I Choose Me So Often, It’s Embarrassing

When I am given the choice, my ambition only serves ME. I look out for ME, MY comfort, & MY selfish heart.

I would rather stay in pajamas on the couch, all day, with the worst-for-me, delicious snacks, watching tv & playing video games.

I would rather not go out of my comfort zone… like at all.

I would rather eat out for most every meal & avoid any & all responsibilities.

I would rather forget the needs of every other person & only serve myself.

Like I said, I am not special… I am just an average person… maybe worse than.

Sincere, But So Weak to My Selfishness for Comforts

But at the same time, I am not insincere in my efforts of these pursuits to encourage & edify you as you seek to know & love God more. It’s important to me & of great value in my heart.

But it for sure takes surrender some days. And then some of those days, it takes REAL BIG surrender… “kicking & screaming temper tantrum because “I DON’T WANNA!” surrender.

My selfishness will rear up, my greed to waste my time away at my own choosing. I don’t like being uncomfortable or stretching myself or being vulnerable or reaching out to others who haven’t asked for it. I like staying safe in the known, versus risking the unknown.

God Pursues My Heart & Beckons Me to Take His Hand in Surrender

But deep down, there’s a gentle whisper behind the waves of my tantrum… “Michelle, you know this is your sin talking, trying to take over your life to live just for you. But what kind of life would that be, Michelle? Empty. Meaningless. Purposeless. You know that’s not truly what you want. You need to surrender these strong feelings of temptation & fear to Me. You need to trust Me to help you overcome them. Let Me help you. Don’t waste away your life with selfish ambition. Submit to Me & find life.”

It’s not exact words. It’s not a voice that I hear. But it’s like this feeling, like truth whispering behind the storm… beckoning me to trust God to help me through the temptation to quit everything & live selfishly, aimlessly, fruitlessly for myself.

To trust God instead.

I Wanted So Badly to Just Believe & Obey… But That Was Not My Story

I am no model Christian.

A majority of my growing up years, I was plagued, no… TORMENTED… by doubts that raged & threatened & harassed me every single day… me wanting so badly to find that I could toss it all out upon finding out it’s all a hoax so I could just live my way, live like everyone else I envied.

I hated that I needed evidence for EVERYTHING.

I hated that I couldn’t just have “childlike faith.”

I hated that I couldn’t just accept it like everyone else at church seemed to so easily be able to do.

But when God finally answered me once & for all, slicing through every doubt to prove Himself worthy of my surrender, worthy of my awe & respect, worthy of my unquestioned obedience, through His beautiful plan… I still find ways to shut Him out.

I Trust the Blessings from God Sometimes More Than I Trust God

I get comfortable with the blessings He gives me, then I begin to covet the comfort those blessings supply… worship & idolize that comfort… pulling away & hardening myself against God to cling to that comfort.

And yet God loves me. He is patient & kind. He doesn’t keep a list of my wrongs. He is quick to forgive. He is gracious & long-suffering. (1 John 4:8; 1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

And no matter how many times He proves Himself in my life, I still hold back… my default is still so often to choose ME.

God Called & God Provides… When I Am Willing to Surrender My Will/Fear for His Help

I don’t deserve this role. I don’t deserve to come & encourage you. I don’t deserve this.

But He called me anyway. And He provides & walks with me through it.

And when the storm of angry, selfish rebellion threatens to dismantle the whole thing, I have learned that when I allow that quiet whisper to bring me to my knees in surrender to God’s help, He never withholds it from me.

Surrender, It Truly Is

And surrender it truly is. Surrender in a war between what is right & good against my own personal selfishness & fear & limitations.

God loves me too much to let me have my way. He knows the dark path that leads me to. He knows that quitting triggers patterns of self-indulgence, isolation, & eventually depression.

He KNOWS.

I know. And I still fight Him.

I am not worthy.

If I didn’t surrender to let God help me, I would choose me a shameful amount of the time.

I am not the better Christian, the shining example. I am a sinner saved by grace, still a work in progress, learning more & more my need for daily surrender.

A Prayer of Surrender

And oftentimes, my prayers sound something like this:

“I hear You, God. I hear that whisper, that gentle whisper, a breeze across my heart of the truth. But I feel desperate to forget anyone & everything that doesn’t serve me right now in this moment. I want more snacks. I want soda, not water. I want to eat out. I want to stay in pajamas & binge tv versus my blog or encouraging a friend or anything else truly worthy of my time & efforts. I want to completely avoid any & all responsibility. I don’t want to care about anything but me…. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I want so badly to reject You again & live for me, even if it destroys me. I’m sorry I want that. Please forgive me. Don’t let go of me. Hold on when I don’t feel I can… when I don’t feel I want to. Be my strength. Help me see You do this for my good. I know it & You know it, but help me choose Your will for my good over this temporary instant gratification that we both know will lead me down a dark path I don’t want to go down. Help me choose to trust You. I want to! Please help me let go & take Your path. Walk with me. Show me the way. Be my strength. Thank You for never, ever giving up on me. You are so wonderful. Your grace is beyond my deserving. Thank You. In Jesus’ powerful, wonderful name… AMEN.”

What About You?

So, if this isn’t you, you’ve got more potential than me. Don’t waste it. Let God use your willingness to trust & follow His lead.

But if you are like me, there IS hope. God can take you each step. God won’t give up on you. His loving, faithful, forgiving, grace-filled pursuit of us is relentless & life-giving.

I am just an average person loved & helped by an Almighty God.

Shine HOPE by letting Almighty God use your life for good, even if you’re just an average person like me.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

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A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out the newly added Journal Printables & updated Resources & Recommendations page!***)

This blog/website has been running for over THREE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

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Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Ellora Necklace Set

This set of two adjustable gold-toned necklaces can be worn separately or together. Mixing classic styles together by layering freshwater pearl & a golden coin pendant make these delicate necklaces on-trend.

In India, poverty often leads to exploitation of vulnerable women in sweatshops. Every purchase provides these Artisans with fair wages, access to healthcare, education for their children, & care for elderly family members.

Purchase this necklace & empower an Artisan in India!

How You Can Help:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!