Sometimes I Think about Dying
I Am Not Going to Pretty Up the Truth
Now, this week’s topic may be off-putting to some of you. Part of it may even scare some of you, but I have never been one to try to pretty up something ugly for the sake of more “likes”… & today is no exception.
I have not had suicidal thoughts (for many years now, at least), but I have been thinking a lot about death. Maybe you remember my blog post “When Life Hits Hard, I Just Want Heaven.” That is in the same vein of where I am going with this today.
You see, I have come to a point where, without overanalyzing or freaking out first or anything… my first, initial gut reaction to certain hard situations has been: “I wish I could die. I am too weak for this world. I just want to die & go to heaven, so I don’t ever have to hurt again.”
It scares me sometimes when this is the first, gut reaction to something hard, & yet, there it is. I must point out that it usually only lasts a few moments & is gone & that while it can happen several times in a day to maybe once every other day, it is not continual. (I am not feeling that way right now, for example–nor has it happened yet today.) It also goes completely against my reasoning that it’s “not really even that bad.”
Have you ever felt that way? That the hurts of life just feel unbearable in some moments?
Sometimes Life Is Hard
Now, when I take the time to dissect this impulsive, immediate response, I can see that this is most likely the result of years & years of little hurts that were never dealt with–that became a part of my personal identity… but none of that backstory explanation comes up when that little thought pops up in my head at this point—just: “I wish I could just be dead already.”
If you’re anything like my husband, this sounds beyond too morbid a conversation, & I get that. I’m sorry.
But I know I am not the only one out there that has this feeling on occasion & maybe yours has already shifted to suicidal thoughts or planning. I sometimes honestly can understand why. When that thought assaults me, all I can think sometimes is: “I can see why someone would commit suicide. If I left this unchecked or had many times been assaulted by this thought in one day, I can see why someone would want to end it.” That’s what Satan wants us to hear.
Life is hard sometimes.
Sometimes the Little Things Can Hurt a Whole Lot
And it doesn’t always have to be that someone died or you’ve been assaulted… or experienced abuse.
Sometimes even the small stuff can seem overwhelming if it piles on enough.
I think the little things can be so rough because it can seem like, logically, they should really be no big deal & because you’re not dumb or clueless, you CAN recognize that quite clearly while still feeling as if your heart is being torn to shreds. This just makes you feel even weaker, like you can’t even handle the SMALL hurts. Like, wow… pathetic. That’s how I feel sometimes about it anyways.
It doesn’t help when people don’t get it because it clearly does not make sense, even to you, or when they fail to show any compassion. But you feel like you HAVE to be able to explain it or people just think you’re dramatic & out for attention or just straight up pathetic & annoying… the icing on the already awful cake. Like, it somehow seems easy &/or manageable to everyone else, but you can’t seem to handle it.
Because of these reasons & more, small things can hit pretty hard sometimes.
“How It All Began…”
I have been talking a lot about the past 12 years & how my insecurities followed me into marriage. Then, I lost my budding career & all I had was me feeling like a terrible housewife PLUS my pre-existing insecurities because I just had no clue where to start to improve. I felt like a failure all around. And then my husband was working overtime so much I barely saw him & then his capacity for my struggles was low, so I felt like I had to stuff it & hide it & pretend so that I wouldn’t add fuel to the “me being his wife as a huge mistake” idea.
“My struggles are my own. Keep it to myself. No one wants to hear them. I am a burden. I am a disappointment. I am too much.” -the script that ran through my brain.
“How It Continued…”
Then, I had all of these opinions from a large group of people singing the same tune suggesting the fact that I didn’t even fit in as a Christian. I felt like “I was never quite good enough. Never quite measured up. I was alone. I had nobody who believed in me–as if my faith was always in question because I didn’t do things the same way they did them.”
I began to question everything about myself as a “not good enough” Christian who never seemed to get it quite right.
“How It All Blew up in My Face…”
Then, recently, I had an unprecedented misunderstanding upon misunderstanding upon misunderstanding that never was allowed space for reconciliation or clarification. It seemed to become who I was viewed to be, as if I was now the “What now?” girl. “Like I am the problem. Like I am a headache. Like people just want me to keep it to myself & shut up already.” I know they may not think that (even to themselves), but that’s how it began to feel—like every time I spoke up, the subconscious reaction to me was: “What now?”
Well, when patterns emerge, it’s easy to think, “well, I was once capable & praised & acknowledged & appreciated before… but something about ME has changed apparently, because I can’t seem to please ANYONE doing the same thing as before. Was the previous a lie? Am I really this awful & annoying? Can I really not seem to ever get anything right anymore?”
Like: “I must be the problem.”
Everything piled on from the previous until I felt like I never seemed to be quite what people wanted me to be… like I was never quite enough for them… for anyone… like I was TOO MUCH to handle.
But Let’s Take a Closer Look
Now, if I take a closer look at those situations:
- The marriage scenario was just my insecurities. Hardly anyone just starts out knowing exactly how to keep house & all that comes with that. It takes learning & growing. It takes grace.
- The judging my faith based on following different manmade rules is just a difference in upbringing & views. It doesn’t mean I am not a “real” Christian because I listen to non-hymn worship music or wear shorts. It’s just a difference in opinion. Everyone is different. We’re all accountable to the same God & making sure we’re right with Him versus acting in rebellion is what matters–He is a faithful & wise Guide.
- The misunderstandings are just that—misunderstandings. Does it hurt not to be sought to be understood? Sure. Does it define who I am based on their opinion of me? No, it doesn’t. I am still the same me, even if someone doesn’t see it or want to see it.
What am I Supposed to Do?
I am responsible to just try my best, one step at a time.
- Where I see personal weaknesses as a wife, I will pray about it & let God grow & guide me to improve. Giving grace.
- Where I see weaknesses or convictions in how my faith is lived out, I will pray about it & let God grow & guide me to improve. Giving grace.
- Where others misunderstand me & refuse to change their view, I am just responsible to still be kind, to pray for them, & to still be a help to them, not holding their possible opinion of me against them. Giving grace.
Jesus Is Enough… When Sometimes I Think about Dying
And when that little thought washes in over me: “I wish I was just dead already. I am too weak to handle this hurt. I just want to be done with it & go to heaven already so I don’t have to feel this ever again,” I need to remember not to let any of that wash out what I know to be true:
I AM weak. I DON’T have it all together. I DON’T do everything perfectly. I DO make mistakes. I STILL have TONS more growing to do. I WILL be misunderstood sometimes.
But NONE of that changes the fact that JESUS covers ALL of it. GOD is strong when I am not. GOD has it all together. GOD is perfection & can help me every step of the way. GOD grows & shapes me as I surrender more of myself to Him for pruning. GOD knows ME & gave His Son, JESUS to die on my behalf so that I can be His daughter—a daughter of the true & holy & perfect KING.
No matter what anyone may think of me—the TRUTH remains–I am HIS.
Let yourself be imperfect. Give grace. Trust in Jesus to wash out the lies you let slip in & assault you. Believe in Truth. And SHINE HOPE.
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