Let’s Shine Some Light in the Dark

Hello there, Beautiful.

Let’s take an opportunity to see things in new light. Let’s shine hope into a desperate situation. Let’s walk away from this with a new sense of hope for each new day, together.

Maybe…

If you are like me, maybe you feel a child-shaped hole in your heart.

Maybe you have spent countless hours with tears streaming your face, wondering why you can’t seem to have this child that your heart aches for so longingly.

Maybe you feel hurt by God, that maybe He is punishing you for your past or that maybe He just doesn’t trust you with a child.

Maybe you tell yourself you don’t need kids, just so that the bitter sadness doesn’t keep you from living each day. Maybe some days you realize this thing you tell yourself is a lie, & you cry.

Maybe you beg & plead & wonder if God can hear you.

Maybe you feel forgotten.

Maybe you feel as if your prayers go ignored or denied.

Maybe you wonder if God cares about this child-shaped hole in your heart.

Maybe.

If you are anything like me, a combination of all of those thoughts have drifted into or settled into your heart & mind.

This Doesn’t Feel Perfect

Maybe, like me, you have even felt guilt for being mad at God, for feeling like maybe He doesn’t care about your hurting heart. Maybe you feel guilt at your distrust in His plan.

You know He is perfect. You know His will is perfect. You know He is Good & He is Love.

And yet, this doesn’t feel perfect. This doesn’t feel good or loving at all.

And maybe that realization hurts your heart a little more than you’re willing to admit out loud.

Hope in the Darkness

But, Dear one, there is hope in the midst of this darkness. I promise you that.

I have been on a five-year journey of these emotions & thoughts plaguing the back of my mind. I have had five years of denial that my bitterness has grown in this hole in my heart, in place of trust in God’s perfect will, plan, Goodness, & love.

I don’t know if I am barren. I am told that everything looks good & we are cleared by the doctors for having a baby, & yet five years of attempts have left us childless.

I have had tests & ultrasounds & taken supplements to help… & yet nothing.

I have obsessed over temperature charting & ovulation testing… & yet nothing.

I have cried & begged God to answer my heart’s cry… & yet nothing.

For God’s Glory

I even wanted a child for the main purpose of raising them to be a light of God’s hope into this world… wanting to glorify God & train the child(ren) how to live a life that honors & glorifies Him so that hope will continue flowing into the next generation, long after I am gone… & yet nothing.

I have felt betrayed by a seeming lack of God’s love & favor. Watching my friends pop kids out continually while I am left… the barren woman.

I am able to push aside my hurt most often to celebrate the new lives being born into the homes of my family & friends, but the ache still lingers.

God Shines Light into the Darkness

But here is the hope, Beautiful one.

In reading through the current Bible study I am attending weekly (& working through the corresponding homework each day for the study), I came across something I had never seen before.

The study is Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free.”

The Dreams of Little Girls

In this particular study book, Beth Moore has a whole week dedicated to the dreams of little girls: to get married, be beautiful, have children (or, be fruitful), & to live happily ever after.

That pretty much nails it on the head for all of my girlhood dreams.

But here was her point… each of us have these childhood dreams that we long(ed) for, but that God can satisfy infinitely more than this world can.

Just a Shadow

It is a shadow of the deeper longing of our hearts. It is a hint of what God already promises us.

To get married–we want to feel loved & special & wanted… God fulfills this by loving & cherishing us more than we can ever comprehend. If you don’t believe me, He tells us it’s true & He will show you… Just have faith enough to ask Him to.

To feel beautiful—He thinks we are gorgeous because He created us! And when our time comes, as believers in Christ, to go to heaven, He sees us as His beautiful bride! (also satisfying our marriage desire).

To live happily ever after—(I am purposely skipping to have children (be fruitful) until the end)—but to live happily ever after points to the fact that this earthly existence is merely our temporary home. Sin has marred this world, but heaven will be amazing & beyond imagination! No tears! No sadness! Only joy & love & peace. A TRUE happily ever after!

To Have Children (Or, Be Fruitful)

And back to our childhood dream to have children (or, to be fruitful).

And this really struck me with God’s amazing provision & plan. It showed me His will & Goodness really is perfect. And His love is lacking NOTHING. Praise God!

In Beth’s section about dreaming to have children, Beth spoke to my soul by spending a majority of the lesson addressing barrenness.

There is Hope

Beth didn’t shy away from the hurt that comes with barrenness, but she did point to Scripture & the amazing reality that God has not forgotten us in our temporary (or permanent) inability to have children.

Beth started by having us read about Elizabeth. The Bible called Elizabeth a righteous woman, followed immediately with the fact that “& she was barren.” (Check it out in Luke 1:5-7.)

Then, Mrs. Moore paralleled the Old & New Testaments’ discussion on being fruitful. In the Old Testament, fruitfulness referred to making lots of babies, while in the New Testament, it often referred to being fruitful as spreading your faith in order to lead others to become new Christ-believers!

You see, while God mentions many times how children are a blessing from God & how they are gifts… & while God often talks about leading your children to follow & trust Him… He ALSO spends a significant time talking about sharing the hope of Christ!

Even More!

AND… in Isaiah 54 (you really should stop & go read that right this moment), God says that a barren woman is able to have more children than a married woman. WHAT?

You see, when those who are blessed with children are raising those children, life is a little crazy (in a good way, even if sometimes so difficult), & most of a mom’s time & energy is spent pouring into those little children to raise them to be Christ followers.

But those of us who have no children have a beautiful opportunity.

You see, we can have more “children” than a married woman because while they are raising theirs, we can pour into those women who in turn pour into their own children!

And we can pour into other barren women who in turn can pour into the lives of others!

How great of an opportunity we have to pour hope into all surrounding women & children!

Talk about fruitful!!!

God Forgives! God Never Forsakes Us! God is Good! God is LOVE!

You see, God forgave me for my past when I repented & turned to Him. He forgave me IN FULL. He is not punishing me!

God does not forsake us… He has not forgotten me!

God is GOOD. He knows my heart to raise a child to honor & glorify Him long after I am gone & He is giving me opportunity to do that in an even greater way!

God is LOVE. He knows my heart cry & my longing… & He is giving me a way!!

Lovely, consider these things with me. How wonderful & loving & Good our God is!

He Loves You

He loves you.

He loves YOU.

He. Loves. You.

HE LOVES YOU!!!

Let that sink in for a moment. Read those last few lines again.

Close your eyes with me for a moment. Take a deep breath in… & then out. And let that Truth sink into the crevices of your pained heart.

Let His love wash over you & pour into those deep crevices of pain.

Let His goodness & mercy shine into the dark corners of your heart.

He’s Got a Plan… And It’s a GOOD One!

TRUST God.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

We may not know His timing. We may not see the fruit. But we can trust that He has a good plan with a good outcome. We can trust His love & we can trust His grace & goodness.

For His Love Endures Forever. Amen.

In whatever place you find yourself right now, Lovely, shine Hope. Always shine hope.

Grace & peace be to you from Christ Jesus, our LORD.

Amen.

Coming Next Week

Two blog posts are coming next week!

Monday will be our next regularly scheduled post of encouragement for your week & Thursday will be our Special Feature for this month!

Make sure to check back with me & hopefully I can pour some encouragement into your beautiful self.

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Avalon Earrings

Empowering Women Out of Poverty in India!

Made with brass & then silver-plated, these statement earrings are a nod to our Indian artisans’ culture.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in India!

(*Other accessories are from previous catalogs & are no longer available)

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

The Long-Gone Yesterdays

I must confess that this is a recent area of struggle for me.

But it didn’t use to be that way. I used to long to share every thought with God & to receive His peace & wisdom & strength in each given moment.

It was empowering to know that where I was weak, He was infinitely strong, & I could count on Him… Always.

But here I am, thirsting from six years of dryness in my life, having unlearned the precious practice of regular prayer.

What Once Was

I must tell you, after having experienced a life lived with prayer, this new normal seems like a constant battle, a constant striving, & a constant desperation to fill the emptiness that God’s peace once filled thoroughly.

How do you unlearn that wonderful habit of praying regularly & therefore regularly benefiting from God’s many blessings in our lives, you might wonder? Blessings like joy in trials, trust & faith when the world doesn’t make sense, strength when mine lacks, peace when the storms rage, etc. etc. etc.?

How does one experience all of those magnificent things through prayer & then simply walk away from it?

I’ll tell you how it happened for me.

The Root of My Downfall

Disappointment.

That’s right. All of those blessings I once relished & I tossed them all aside because God didn’t answer my prayers the way I thought He would (or rather, should, in my opinion).

After having gone through my wilderness of lacking friendships, lacking spiritual support, lacking comfort… I gave up asking, instead of changing my prayers & trusting anyway.

Be Open, Be Honest–It’s Worth It!

You see, we should definitely feel free & open to share every concern, every need, & every desire with God, because He wants us to have that open relationship with Him… But if we really want to be at peace & realize God’s power in our lives, we also have to be willing to pray for something a little more… for God’s will to be done & for us to trust Him in that will.

Do you remember that little nugget from the “Lord’s Prayer”? “Your will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven”? (Matthew 6:10)

You see, God wants to interact with us in our lives & He wants to shower good things on us, like I mentioned earlier, but those things do not always come when we get our way, & God knows this.

His Ways Are Higher

Isaiah 55:8-9 says,

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.”

And it is so, so right!

We may think we know what we’re asking, but we have to keep in mind that God sees the big picture. He knows how all of the pieces fit together.

Connecting That to Prayer

So, when we are communicating with Him & we express our desires or longings, we need to learn to rest in that Truth—that God knows what He’s doing better than we do.

And when disappointments come, we need to come back to that fact all over again & pray that God help us rest in His plan above even our own.

But, I Didn’t

And that’s exactly what I had not been doing.

And now I am scrambling to get through each day & feeling like I am treading water some days, just trying to keep my head above water… because I got out of the habit of resting in Him when all seems lost… & even before it even gets to that point.

The JOYS I Once Experienced

Let me lay out for you a picture of what my relationship with God USED to look like, to contrast it with the scrambling I have been describing as my current prayer life.

Imagine a best friend whom you can tell anything. They always listen, even if it’s rambling. They are always patient & kind & gentle. When you mess up, they are quick to forgive. When they help you through a lesson you’ve been needing to learn, they are always so gentle & patient with you through it, never rushing your progress, but simultaneously never giving up on you (no matter how many times you miss the mark). You always feel safe & loved & wanted. He lifts the burdens of your past guilt or shame from your shoulders & gives you a lasting sense of freedom. When you feel stuck or troubled, He always has the right wisdom for just that moment. He is always there, always loving, & always strong, even when you are not.

That’s a tiny glimpse as to what a life of prayer offers you.

Seems pretty crazy that I gave that up, doesn’t it? Stupid, really.

When We Justify Our Mistakes

I guess I justified each time I refused to pray about something  because I didn’t think God would give me what I wanted, & He didn’t. And He knew better, like always. But I didn’t.

I got bitter that I felt lonely. I got bitter that I still didn’t have a baby. I got bitter that I couldn’t get a job for so long. I got bitter that Jamie worked so much. I got bitter that my efforts to encourage others seemed unwanted. I got bitter that I didn’t have “my way”.

I gave up on SO MUCH just because I was disappointed & selfish in my prayers.

And because I didn’t trust Him enough to just talk to Him about it & let Him work it out.

Lessons Sometimes Take a While to Learn

And you would think that I would have learned my lesson by this point in my life. I have had many times of disappointment that I trusted to God, & I found so much joy & peace & strength as a result!

In the past, when I had something crash & burn or I felt a prayer go unanswered, I would ask Him to guide my heart & thoughts to trust Him through it. I would let my requests be made known to Him, through prayer, but then I would leave the rest up to Him & ask for His peace to fill me as He did the leading.

But I gave that up.

God Keeps Forgiving

Sometimes I ask myself how I could be that dense. How could I KNOW the benefits of trusting it all to God, no matter what, & then just throw it all away because I didn’t get my way?

But then I remember this, I am still so full of pride & selfishness that I too often excuse away. And I am weak. I am human, & I have limitations. And yes, I could have (& should have!) trusted God anyway, but sometimes I am reminded through my failures just how amazing He is.

Have you heard the phrase, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone”?

It’s a valuable reminder for us when we go through this time of failure.

Getting Too Comfortable

I grew too comfortable in drawing my hope from Him, that I started believing that it was by my merit that He answered the ways He did, versus His simple goodness & grace in my life.

I don’t DESERVE any of His goodness or faithfulness, but He chooses to give it every single day… if only I am willing to accept it instead of throwing it aside because it doesn’t look like what I specifically asked Him for.

But the amazing thing about God is that He IS faithful. And He is forgiving & patient & ENOUGH.

Prodigal Daughter & the Welcoming Father

I am the prodigal daughter in this scenario. I asked for what I didn’t deserve in the first place, squandered my life to try to get my way, & am now dejected, lost, & alone, realizing that my way hasn’t brought me the joy I thought it would.

And as I turn back, broken & scarred… ashamed of my behavior & the mistreatment of God’s faithfulness & mercies… ready to learn all over again what I left behind….

There God is, not a scornful look on His face. Not crossed arms. Not judgment & lectures waiting to be dumped on me upon my return.

NO.

There He is. An understanding, gentle smile on His face. Arms wide open. Ready to love me & forgive me & work toward rebuilding our relationship.

Because that’s who He is.

He is a good, GOOD Father.

Lay It All Before Him… Come Back to Him

I don’t deserve any of it. Sobs rock me even as I write this, just being reminded of what I tossed aside so childishly, only to return to His welcoming grace & love, which He so undeservedly offers me.

Prayer doesn’t have to be formal & unrealistic.

God knows you better than you know yourself.

He can handle your disappointments, your anger & frustrations, your desires & mistakes.

Share those with Him.

Ask For It

Ask for His wisdom. Ask for His strength to cover you. Ask for Him to be your source of peace. Ask Him to cover your insecurities & inadequacies with His power. Ask Him to forgive your worst sins (He WILL forgive them all). Ask Him to guide your each step. Ask Him to renew your heart & mind, & to give you a fresh start. Ask Him to show you who HE created you to be, & to wash away anything about you that is more of a result of your mistakes & the lies of this world & to replace all of that with His wisdom & grace.

He is enough, Lovely. Every single time. He. Is. ENOUGH.

And prayer is a beautiful gift & privilege.

So be willing to come before Him & talk to Him like a best friend, like a loving Father, & as the King above all things in Heaven & on Earth.

He is waiting with open arms. He is waiting for you.

Amen!

Coming Next Week

Make sure to check back next Monday for my newest weekly blog post!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Unity Necklace

Empowering women out of poverty in Haiti & India!

Upcycled beads made from glass and clay from Haiti’s mountains hang on a silver plated chain.

Artisan Information:

Haiti had this century’s worst natural disaster and is home to almost 500,000 orphans. The majority of the orphans have not been orphaned by parental deaths or natural disasters, but by parents who had to give them up simply because they could not feed them. The group we work with is an “un-orphanage” and is helping with the orphan crisis by providing parents with sustainable business through creating beautiful products like this necklace.

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in Haiti!

(*Also pictured: Western Stud Trio (silver pair), empowering women in India!)

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE, Lovely!