Hesitantly Agreed

I have been praying about what I should talk about today, asking God to give me something I should share. This was the topic that kept coming back to mind.

When I first considered agreeing to this topic, I felt like, “God, no. Something else please. This isn’t something I’m very good at.”

Then I felt a gentle whisper over my heart, “Your blog shouldn’t be about sharing what YOU’RE good at, but rather what I’M good at, even when you’re not.”

*Sigh*

Fellow Traveler in Need of God

So, again, I come to you not as some kind of expert on the topic, but as a fellow traveler on this journey called “life” to hopefully encourage BOTH of us to look to where our only true hope comes from—Almighty GOD, through Jesus’ loving sacrifice for us & the Holy Spirit’s comfort, wisdom, guidance, & help.

Living Hard Things with Grace

Living through hard things, with grace. What a difficult thing to consider.

I don’t think any of us enter a hard life circumstance thinking we will struggle quite as much as we will, but hard things are hard & I know I am often surprised by how quickly I want to scream, “Uncle!” & give up.

I can’t even handle small stresses very well, ha.

Setting the Stage

For example, I had been waiting on a package, knowing the sender had accidentally put the wrong box number & having visited the post office several times to try to make sure it was sorted out, being informed each time not to worry because it “will self-correct & everything will be just fine.”

But, knowing intent or even good training cannot prevent mistakes in a monotonous job, I wanted to make sure everyone was on the same page & aware, doing my part as best I could without erring on the side of nagging.

Well, all of the reassurance was for nothing because guess what, the package was automatically & immediately returned upon arrival.

Caving in under the Pressure

I was incredulous & was quite ready to slam my hand on the desk & unleash some verbal wrath upon the employees, in a “Are you kidding me? After ALL that reassurance & all my trips here just to make sure & NONE of it made any difference? Are you serious right now?!?”

But I had to take a *very* deep breath, do my best at a gracious reply, & walk out before I lost my resolve.

I then spent the whole drive home (& about 20 minutes in our driveway) rehashing my trouble, concern, efforts, & the inevitable mistake of returning my package anyway, complaining & whining in my head. I basically threw an adult temper tantrum in my car.

Humanity (Including Me) Has Many Weaknesses, but God Offers His Infinite Strength

And when I got tired of my wrath, I took a deep breath, realized how bad & unforgiving my attitude was for something that really wasn’t that big of deal in the big story of life, & I immediately felt some stubborn remorse nagging at my heart, reminding me how NOT well I had handled that situation.

Did I have a right to be frustrated & upset? Yes. Did I have a right to treat them like trash (even if just in my thoughts) because of it? Nope.

I was being self-focused, & I had turned righteous anger into bitterness & a hateful, unforgiving attitude of sin.

Finally Turning it over to God

*sigh* I told you I wasn’t good at this. I can’t even handle someone messing up my MAIL.

So, I hung my head low & cried again, this time for my bad attitude & frustration that I had let take over my afternoon instead of giving it to God.

And I finally gave it to Him.

My Prayer Sounded Something Like This:

“God, I’m sorry. I am so frustrated right now because I was really looking forward to that & now I have to wait for it to return & re-ship & after all my efforts to prevent this & it was all wasted. I just feel so defeated & disappointed & angry. Why couldn’t it have just worked out? I tried! I tried to help fix it. Why did I get my hopes up so high? But I shouldn’t have let my anger take over me like that. I’m sorry for how I reacted in my heart. I shouldn’t have had such a sour & terrible attitude toward them. It was a mistake. It’s a new system & they’re trying to work out the kinks & everyone makes mistakes. Please forgive me for getting so hurtful & angry over something that’s so small overall. Help grow me in it & teach me gratefulness & to trust in You through the messes in life. I don’t like when things don’t work out, but even in them, You have a beautiful plan I can’t always see. Even in holding & comforting me through it, letting me know of Your love on a deeper level through my hurts. Thank You for those moments of the gentle reminders of Your love & care for me & all of us. Help me to forgive. Help me to realize I am often just as in need of Your great grace as anyone else & to thus give grace to others much more willingly & quickly. Help me trust You more than my circumstances working out ideally—especially in this covid world we live in right now. Nothing is normal anymore & it’s hard. It’s an adjustment with hidden culture shocks that pop up unexpectedly because so much of life is no longer normal. Help me to cling to You & trust You & listen to You in humble trusting love. Thank You for hearing me gripe & complain & for Your endless, wonderful graciousness. Thank You for helping me have better, more loving perspective & continue to grow me in that way, having grace in living the hard things. Thank You & AMEN.”

Failing TOWARD Grace

Life & sharing isn’t about always getting it right or always knowing how to handle every situation.

Life’s messy & hard & we’re not meant to be good at any of it on our own. We’re meant to need Jesus’ grace. We’re meant to need Almighty God’s power. We’re meant to need the guidance & comfort & wisdom & strength of the Holy Spirit.

We’re meant to need Him.

We’re Meant to Need Him

So, whatever part of your life feels messy or hard or makes you want to yell & cry in your car for 30 minutes, call out to God. Pour out all your heartache to Him & ask for His help. He’s listening & waiting to help because He loves us that much.

Shine Hope by admitting your need for Him & calling out to Him through every struggle & trial of life.

He’s got you.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

This blog/website has been running for TWO years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Turning Leaf Set

This silver finish hammered metal necklace with matching earrings was inspired by the beautiful shapes of leaves. (And also resembles dragonfly wings!)

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

How You Can Help:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

If… Then…

I have heard it asked, more times than I can count, that “if God allows people to go to Hell, how can He be a good God?”

They also tend to follow that question with: “If God isn’t good, I don’t want to follow Him.”

The above declaration is also often preceded with God allowing the presence of evil in this world, so let’s address both concerns today.

Who Are We Compared to Him?

First of all, let’s get the “If God doesn’t [fill in the blank], then I don’t want to follow or believe in Him” claim out of the way.

If God IS real & He DID create the world & everything in it. If God DOES have complete control, power & dominion over it all… I would think our opinion of His deserving our respect should not matter so much. In fact, to risk being blunt, our opinion would be completely irrelevant.

He doesn’t have to get our stamp of approval for Him to be real & for His righteous punishment for the rebellion of sin to be real.

He Is “I Am”

And reality check, He IS real, He DID create the world & everything in it. And He DOES have complete control, power, & dominion over it all.

I feel that it’s important to start there because we are not dealing with a Someone whom we can shape to our liking or decide whether or not they are real or deserving… That’s not up for debate.

The consequences are real.

But so is His grace.

How Is God Good?

So, let’s get to the “God is Good” part, in light of sin & the consequences of that sin (Hell) as a reality we must accept.

So maybe you decide God could possibly be real. Maybe you feel that little tug on your heart, beckoning you to accept His grace & be welcomed into His haven of love & comfort & hope, even on earth.

But maybe you’re stuck on sin… & on Hell.

Maybe you question God’s goodness & therefore doubt whether you can put your faith & trust into Someone you feel afraid of or defensive of in light of what you believe about yourself or the world.

Completely understandable. I have BEEN there.

Even after I got saved, I grappled with this for a while.

It’s scary.

But…

Digging Deeper

God IS Good, & so let us dig a bit deeper than the surface.

Oftentimes, we hate this idea about God because we either see our own good intentions or the good intentions of others, when thinking about our sin.

Or maybe we feel haunted by a decision we made or something we did & now we feel trapped under the wrath of God, afraid to accept it as a reality rather than an imagined construct that we can just dismiss & figuratively run away from (or try to).

But God’s wrath is real.

BUT, His grace is just as real & it covers your worst when you bow it all to Him.

We Choose to Choose

You see, if you caught my blog post a couple weeks ago, “Garden of Eden: What Was So Wrong About Eating That Fruit?” then you know that we were never intended to be in this mess of a world & life in the first place.

God’s intent was for us to stroll with Him in the perfect Garden of Eden without fears or worry, pain or strife, living in a trusting relationship with our Father God in control of everything in this world that would otherwise cause us lasting &/or immense pain.

But Adam & Eve rebelled, wanting to make those calls for themselves, thus dooming us with that same knowledge of good & evil, brought on by eating that fruit.

And not only that, but we choose to eat of that fruit every day, don’t we?–in the way that we live, choosing to supersede God’s will & way so that we can do it our own way (& inevitably screw something or someone up).

We Have the Knowledge, But Not the Infinite Wisdom

You see, we have the knowledge of good & evil, yes, but we DON’T have the capacity to see every ripple effect of every choice. We DON’T have full wisdom to see all pieces in play past, present, & future. We DON’T always know all the details involved or the subconscious trauma that our decisions cause ourselves & others simply by essentially shoving God out of the way to run things ourselves.

Even as a Christian, I am guilty of living like this, despite my intent, every single day.

It’s too easy to go based on habit, cultural norm, how I was raised, my own perceptions, my self-protection mode, good intentions, pride, fear, insecurities, doubts, uncertainties, etc., before stopping to realize I have done it again—I have acted without stopping to ask God for guidance on how to do it best.

No One Good But God

You see, we mess up every day.

No one can call themselves Good. Even Jesus said, “there is no one good, no not one” (paraphrase Romans 3:10-12) & that our “righteousness is like dirty rags.” (Isaiah 64:6)

Only God is good because He is perfection. He is lacking nothing.

He doesn’t make mistakes. He doesn’t act out of fear or hate or pride.

He just IS. He is the great I AM.

All God Asks…

And all God asks of us is to trust Him to do the hard stuff, to protect us from the painful things, & to guide us in the way that will bring us & others the most joy, fulfillment, & peace.

But we still rebel.

God Also Made a Way Back for Us

And THEN, we have the audacity to shake our fists at God for sin on this earth… for not allowing entrance into heaven for those who do not accept His grace offered through Jesus Christ.

Because He offers that grace to EVERYONE, without exception.

God Makes All Things New

Paul murdered countless Christians, BUT when he surrendered his wrongs to God, God restored him & gave him a new purpose (his originally designed purpose) to encourage countless more to find hope in Christ.

David was called a man after God’s own heart when he repented of his own guilt & shame of sleeping with another man’s wife & then sending that man to the frontlines so that her pregnancy would not be found out. But God redeemed him & used his life for wonderful things, washing his slate clean.

You see, the people written about in the Bible aren’t even “good” people.

They are REDEEMED people. Redeemed through the blood sacrifice of Jesus Christ, for even them.

And for you.

He Gives Hope Despite What We Really Deserve

THAT is why we can easily call God our GOOD God, because despite the fact that the perfect life of trust & peace & joy in Him, that He intended for us to have was spit upon by Adam & Even eating that fruit… And EVEN THOUGH we make that same decision daily by bypassing His help to do it our own way… & even though we have pasts that make us cringe in the sight of God’s righteous judgment upon our sin….

God… Offers… GRACE.

HE made the way. He paid the price. He invites us back to Himself. He bridged the gap. He beckons us home.

Run to Grace

He forgives. He guides. He loves. He protects. He listens. He gives Himself as a Comforter through the Holy Spirit. He gives HIS grace to all who seek it, through Jesus’ sacrifice on our behalf.

Don’t live defending your wrongs, in the sight of God Almighty. Run to Him.

Don’t live running from His righteous judgement. Run TO Him.

Don’t be content avoiding God in fear. Run to Him.

He Gives Grace & His Grace Is FREE

He is beside you, waiting with open arms to welcome you home.

No questions asked… No lecture awaiting your return… No crossed arms or glaring gaze.

Just GRACE.

Celebratory dancing & singing, twirling around with joy, hands reached out to pull you into a loving, joyous embrace, an “I’m just so glad you’re HOME!” type GRACE.

Let Him…

Let Him love you.

Let Him shower you with His goodness.

Ask Him to show you, personally, His love & forgiveness & hope & GRACE.

It is so, SO worth it, my friend!

Always Learning, Always Growing

Even I have to constantly grow & learn new ways to submit my ways to Him, so that I can experience His presence & goodness more thoroughly in my life.

I will forever need to grow, but His grace is once & for all.

I am forgiven. I am set free. I can look forward to heaven with full assurance that the grace of God covers even me.

And it covers you as well.

Will you answer the call?

Coming Next Week

Join me next Monday morning EST for more weekly encouragement!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Nairobi Necklace

Small hammered ovals & ethically sourced bone shapes adorn this golden necklace that shimmers in the light. Crafted in Kenya.

Artisan Information:

In Kenya, where many people struggle with starvation & poverty, the women we partner with are defying the odds! Your purchase empowers these women to earn an income, overcome physical disabilities, & become important parts of their communities!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Kenya!

(*Also Pictured: Grace Earrings, made in the Philippines!*)

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Feeling the Weight

Have you ever felt broken, like you didn’t deserve a second chance?

Have you ever felt the grip of guilt or shame not loosen its grip?

Have you ever cried over past mistakes & felt broken inside?

Have you ever felt beyond repair?

Me too.

Looking Back

I have never been perfect, although I tried to believe I could be, or at least make others believe that I was.

Growing up in a Christian home, going to church a couple or few times a week, I felt the pressure to be good, even though I was not.

I felt like a fraud, pretending my way through church services.

I felt ashamed to admit the truth, guessing that my family would probably have a heart attack if they knew the real me—the imperfect me. The rebellious, stubborn, prideful me.

The doubting me….

Doubts Washed Away

I had so many doubts about faith when I was growing up. Church claimed that God was the one true God, but the world claimed other gods, each defending their own religions.

I didn’t want to doubt. But I did.

If you have read my story of “Hope is Found”, you will know what happened next…. You will see how God washed my torturous doubts away like a cool summer rain. He set me free to live at peace with Him.

I know Who the real God is, whether I always like how He does things or not—He is God either way & He knows best, whether I understand in the moment or not.

Turning Away

But again, this is a new day, with new lessons to learn.

Brokenness. Guilt. Shame. Past mistakes. “Beyond repair”.

You would think that after everything that God has taught me & everything He has brought me through, I would be courageous & bold & unwavering in my faith & pursuit to honor God.

You would think.

But, here I am.

Israelites = ME

The older I get, the more I seem to relate to the Israelites in the Bible.

The Israelites were God’s chosen people & God demonstrated His love & grace & power & forgiveness & PATIENCE through His relationship with the Israelite people throughout the Bible.

Basically, their relationship went like this…

God would make them promises, saying all they had to do was trust Him wholeheartedly & follow His will & way. They would worship & praise & follow & obey. Then pride. Then hard-heartedness. Then rebellion. Then captivity. Then cries for redemption….

And then God would save them in a powerful way… & then the cycle would start again.

In our well-meaning, naïve (*Coughproudcough) way, we tend to scoff from the sidelines & shout at the Israelites as we read of their rebellions springing up yet again, “What is wrong with you guys! God JUST miraculously saved you after the awful way you have CONTINUOUSLY been treating Him & have been spitting in His face… only to have you reject Him AGAIN??? What is wrong with you?!?”

Haha.

How highly we like to think of ourselves, at times… am I right?

I am just the same as the Israelites, there is no way around it. If not worse than them….

The Results of Rebellion

I feel grieved. Some days, I just feel so empty & self-loathing. I cry, remembering my rebellion.

I feel broken.

I feel empty.

I feel like a fraud.

I feel like giving up in trying to be or claiming to be anything else.

But.

God’s grace.

His mercy.

His patience & forgiveness & faithfulness & steadfastness.

He Doesn’t Shame Us, He Sets Us Free

As much as I continually am beating myself up lately, feeling completely unworthy of yet another opportunity to be forgiven & renewed, the fact remains… He is faithful & He forgives me.

As many of you have heard, I had lived in an ocean of bitterness for the past many years.

Bitterness at praying for a child, going through doctor appointments, being told it would happen any day, receiving gifts from friends for the inevitable day that never came, living alone, feeling like if I only had a baby to love & to love me, I wouldn’t feel so alone. And feeling hurt & betrayed by God when it never happened.

Bitterness at feeling the loss of my husband’s love that was never really gone, but perceived to be as we literally fought through our first year and a half of marriage, feeling betrayed by the loss of his companionship & feeling betrayed by God for bringing me to the other side of the planet, only to feel abandoned & neglected by Jamie’s demanding work schedule & inevitable resulting high stress levels.

Bitterness at being so eager to plug into local churches, only to find out there was little I could do. Bitterness at pouring my heart & soul into encouraging others, only to find out they didn’t need it as much as I did.

Bitterness at myself for never being skinny or pretty enough & bitterness for believing that lie.

I Woke Up

And then the wake-up call came & I started crawling, wounded, untrusting, back to God.

I claimed to know to pray & let Him be God, but I still felt hurt & hesitant to let Him in my heart. He had heard my prayers & my cries & my inward screams & He had not changed my circumstances.

I blamed Him instead of trusting Him.

Has that ever been you?

And now, seeing Him forgive me & feeling Him work on changing my attitude & renewing my faith… I just feel shame & guilt & hesitation.

Humility Rains Down

I am as the Israelites.

God has blessed me through more heartache & trials & doubts than I can name. He has guided me & tenderly loved my heart toward Himself in powerful ways I could not ignore.

He gave me great promise & potential.

I got proud. I grew hard-hearted. I rebelled.

And now I cry out to Him. Undeserving, broken, scarred.

Believing the Lie That Shame Trumps Grace

I struggle the most right now with accepting His open arms.

It’s almost like I want to punish myself for being unfaithful & for turning my back on Him.

His grace hurts because it is so contrast to the way I have treated Him.

It makes me see my unfaithfulness to Him more clearly. I can’t hide from my part in pushing Him away.

Beauty from Ashes

But at the same time, it’s so beautiful.

It is so beautiful to come back to giving my faith to Him… to come home to Him & to realize that He is running out to greet me like I never crushed His heart to begin with.

It is humbling. It crushes me some days as I punish myself, (without Him asking me to).

He wants me to lay all of my shame down at His feet. All of my guilt & shame & scars at His feet, knowing I don’t have to carry them anymore… because His grace covers those.

But I grip on to them, afraid of getting away with it & then doing it all over again.

But as you can see, that is another form of not trusting Him, right? Not trusting that He is able to renew me & teach & guide me.

I don’t deserve the grace He so willingly offers to me. Not again. I knew better. But yet, He offers it to me all the same.

Letting the Walls Come Down

I am slowly trusting Him with prayer again. I am slowly opening my heart & accepting the role I played in distrusting His sovereignty & endless love for me (for all of us). I am slowly taking those badges of dishonor & handing them over to Him to let Him heal those broken parts.

I am good at defending myself, even my wrongs. I am good at self-denial. I am good at pretending I don’t know better, when rebellion knocks at the door.

But God is breaking through those lies I told to myself. The lies that said I was good as is. The lies that justified my wrong behavior. He is showing my a clear picture of myself in the mirror.

And I don’t like it.

Working to Rebuild

He is not doing this to shame me, but quite the opposite. I can feel Him peeling away all of the layers I built to defend myself, telling me, “I see you, Michelle. I REALLY see you. And I still love you. I REALLY love you!”

Not the me I try to be, in proving I can be good enough. No. The me that can never be “good enough”, but is so deeply loved just the same.

And He feels the same about you. He sees your scars & your coverups & your denial… And He REALLY loves you… for who you are behind all of the masks that we use to hide ourselves.

When I rebelled, the truth remains that God never left. He never betrayed or broke me. I did that.

If I Had Never Left & Even Now

He offered me hope in my disappointment, comfort in my longing, & friendship in my loneliness… But I rejected it & spat in His face because it wasn’t how I thought it should be. How I thought I wanted it to be.

It is possible to be held captive by what you were once set free from….

But the other side is just as true… It is always possible to be redeemed by what holds you captive.

A Clean Slate. A Renewed Heart & Faith

God doesn’t keep track. He doesn’t tick away at how many times He will rescue you from yourself before giving up on you. He will never give up on you. He knows we are like the Israelites, prone to wander & rebel. And He loves us anyway!

He is also loving & forgiving & patient & kind & powerful & sovereign & faithful.

If you come to Him with a repentant heart, wanting to throw away the broken, sinful, ashamed, selfish, rebellious you & exchange it for all that He offers… He is always willing & waiting with open arms.

Run To Him

So, run back, Lovely.

No matter how far you feel you have run from Him. No matter how lost you feel you are. No matter how far gone or broken or torn down you feel. RUN BACK TO HIS OPEN ARMS.

He is waiting to welcome you home… Every time… No matter what… I promise.

So. Run. Back. Home.

And leave those awful pits of guilt at His throne. Trust His grace to be more powerful than your shame.

And let Him set you free.

Let Him.

Coming Next Week

Join me next week for the next topic of encouragement! Please pray that God continue to heal my heart & to keep me steadfast in seeking Him as I seek to encourage all of you to run to Him with all you are.

He loves you.

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Bombolulu Earrings

These hammered earrings are made from heavy-gauged metal.

Artisan Information:

In Kenya, where many people struggle with starvation & poverty, the women we partner with are defying the odds! Your purchase empowers these women to earn an income, overcome physical disabilities, and become important parts of their communities!

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in Kenya!

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE, Lovely!