Almost the End to a New Beginning
Well, we are one “Pivot” moment away from finishing this series! That’s so hard to believe after these (including this one) 14 “Pivots” that we have walked through together.
A Different Sort of Autobiography
It has always been a dream of mine to write an “autobiography”, not of what amazing things I have accomplished or done, but what God has worked in my life that I never saw as possible from my human perspective.
Being given the opportunity to share all of these moments with you has been a pleasure, especially the reminders, even for myself, of all that God has done & is capable of doing in our lives as we lean into Him.
Maybe someday I will better edit all of these “Pivot” stories into that autobiography of sorts. I guess we will see where God leads!
Trouble in Paradise
But, for today, we are talking about a touchy (& freeing) topic.
It’s touchy because a lot of hurt often surrounds this topic, but it’s freeing knowing the right perspective of leaning into God above all else, whether things work out or not.
“Trouble in Paradise”, as I have titled it, is a story of God doing what I felt was the impossible… bridging the gap in marital (or relational) trouble.
In It Together
You see, after God had led every step of our dating relationship as we leaned into Him consistently for direction & answers (read more, here), we felt like our bond was unbreakable.
We were bound together by trust in Him & a friendship built on Him.
Nothing could shake us.
We had aired all of our “dirty laundry” by sharing our deepest shames & hurts & mistakes… but we were forgiven.
We had shared all of our quirks… but we were accepted.
We had faced hurt & struggle… but had prayed through it all… together.
After the “Happily Ever After”
But then we moved to Guam… 3 months after we were married.
And things weren’t as great anymore.
We started out strong, but between the stress of adjustment to life on the other side of the globe & Jamie working 12 hour shifts several days a week (& usually taking on extra shifts for co-workers), let’s just say that it began to take its toll on us.
I felt neglected. He felt over-worked & stretched thin.
I felt bored & restless. He felt exhausted & ready to crash.
I felt alone & in need of company. He felt over-stimulated & in need of alone time.
We felt placed on opposite ends of every spectrum, unable to bridge the divides that seemed to be getting wider every month.
Beginning to Feel the Strain… Pull Us Apart
Fights became easier. Disagreements & misunderstandings were more common. Emotions were high & needs were left unmet on both sides.
We were strained & frustrated & tired.
My needs became a burden on us both—not because he didn’t think they or I were important, but because after work, he had nothing left to give.
Personal Perceptions Are Often Deceptive
But I felt like he must think me & my needs unimportant because they were SO important to me & yet he still didn’t meet them.
And he felt like I was putting too much pressure on him because he was already exhausted from work every day.
We were disconnected & hurt.
We argued & fought & stormed off & shut doors more forcefully than necessary.
We hurt.
I found myself often crying alone, curled up on the floor of our bathroom, with the lights out.
What I Wanted
I had heard that marriage was hard, but I felt like I had lost my very best friend, just by getting married to him.
I wanted to leave him & go back to America & be with my family & friends.
I wanted the hurt to stop.
I was learning very clearly in that time the truth that our spouse is not meant to fulfill our needs.
Only God can do that.
It’s Not Like the Movies… But It’s So Much Better
But culture sings a different tune, one where our spouse, who probably wishes they actually could, can fulfill all of your dreams & make you the happiest person imaginable.
And we probably still want to do that, but realistically, we don’t have the power to do that.
We have our own fears, hurts, insecurities, weaknesses, trauma, shortcomings, failures, etc. & when you join two imperfect people, you’re obviously going to have an imperfect marriage.
So Much Freedom in Removing That Expectation!
And oh the burden we are freed from when we realize that being our spouse’s EVERYTHING is not our purpose or even in our ability.
And oh the freedom it GIVES our spouse to release them from that supposed expectation.
Then, How?
So how did we do it? How are we good friends & happily married after the battle wounds we received in that painful couple years?
Prayer.
That’s right… prayer.
But, I Didn’t Start There
But, like I said, I first resorted to balling up in figurative tears (Fun Fact: I can’t cry actual tears) & wanting to quit it all & run from the hurt.
I resorted to wanting to bail & start over at home with my family. I wanted to give up because I felt so unloved.
But Jamie still loved me terribly, & through the deep ache, I loved him just as much… so why weren’t we able to express that to each other?
My Ache Turned Into My Prayer
At the end of one of our arguments, I was laying in bed, with my back turned to Jamie… silently sobbing into the edge of my pillow, begging God for help & pouring out my heart to Him like I had done countless times before on the floor of our bathroom.
“God, why is this happening! Why do I feel like Jamie & I are so far apart?! How did we get here!? I miss him so much & I HATE that we’re always at odds with each other… but I feel like no matter what, we’re never on the same page… like he doesn’t ever care about me! I feel so alone & betrayed. I thought he loved me but he gets mad or frustrated when I even want to spend time with him & he just plays video games alone in his spare time, with his headphones on, like I am just a home accessory!! He used to make me feel like his whole world & now he barely even talks to me. I hate my life here. I hate what this job has taken from me… from us. I want him back but that seems impossible now. Too many things we can’t take back & too many misunderstandings & disagreements. I don’t even feel like I know him anymore… Like I have been tricked. Did he never really love me? How can he act so callously toward me? Help us. Show us the way back to each other. PLEASE. Help us. Help me. I don’t know how to get back to him anymore & I miss him so much. Please show me what to do.”
God’s Response… God’s Solution… Trust HIM
… “Ask him to pray with you.”
That was the simple thought the washed over my mind like a gentle breeze.
“Ask him to pray with you.”
But I didn’t want to.
Did Jamie even care? Did he even want us back? If he cared, he would have tried already. (So many insecurities rushed over my heart.)
“Ask Him to pray with you.”
FINE. But I don’t want to.
And When I Obeyed God’s Guiding, God Healed
“Jamie, we should pray.”
“Ok.”
And so he prayed a prayer that shocked & shook me & expressed all the love for me that I was afraid wasn’t there.
To paraphrase his prayer:
“God, I don’t know what to do. We can’t seem to get along. I love Michelle, but I am too tired. I am stretched thin at work & I just don’t have the energy to be what she needs me to be. It hurts that I don’t feel like I can help her & it’s frustrating. Help me know what to do. Please help her hurt. Amen.”
And then I prayed my hurt out loud, too.
And we both cried & we hugged each other & just clung on.
God Knew How
It ended up that we genuinely both wanted a solution but neither of us new how to make it happen, were doing the best we knew how, & had different expectations on what that should look like.
And when we started both turning to God, instead of ourselves or each other, as the solution, God started to shape us & guide us along a path to help us both care for each other.
We became more understanding of each other’s needs, while not trying to meet them in our own wisdom or understanding, but by God’s.
We began letting go of the expectations we had placed on the other person to meet our needs & started leaning into God instead.
And we began to heal.
Start Looking to God for the Answers
God was the glue that took our efforts & our understanding & all of our other limitations & acted as our bridge to cover the great divide for us.
We stopped looking inward to fulfill each other.
We stopped looking to each other to fulfill ourselves.
And we started looking to God, together.
He is our glue. He is our bridge. He is our wisdom & solution. He is our strength.
A Work in Progress, Led by Grace
Do we still have disagreements & misunderstandings & occasional bad attitudes that we really shouldn’t be taking out on each other but it’s far too easy to do? Yes.
But we know the way back now. PRAYER. Leaning into GOD.
And we’re learning to turn to God BEFORE it gets bad, knowing we will reach the end of our limitations far sooner.
We’re human & we mess up. We are learning, but we don’t always get it right.
But God is the solution to that, too… because He will never stop working on our hearts. He is always ready to give grace as we grow toward Him.
He is a Good, Good Father.
Shine Hope, by letting God be your glue… & your bridge… to healing.
Coming Next Week
Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.
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A Note from Michelle:
If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3
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Weekly Special Spotlight:
Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!
Restoring Hope Necklace
This versatile necklace features mother of pearl in hues of black on one side & off-white on the other, hanging from an antiqued brass chain.
Artisan Information:
In Asia, poverty leads many women to be sexually exploited in brothels. These women want to provide for their families but have so few options. But through your purchase, women are being rescued from these brothels & rehabilitated. Holistic care is given to these women, including a shelter, job training, healthcare, counseling, & educational grants for themselves & their children. You can help these women experience restoration for their future!
Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Asia!
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