A Jabbled Mind

I have a lot of stuff floating around my mind today. I have a big case of the, “I don’t wanna.”

Have you ever had days where you just can’t seem to sit down & concentrate on one thing? Because that’s totally me today.

Today has been a game of, “how long can I put off sitting down to write my blog, because I just can’t seem to sort out my thoughts & sit still for more than a few minutes at a time.”

But here I am, so that’s a start…?

Wanting to Blend In

Writing my blog these last two years has taken me on a crazy ride.

When I first started, I was afraid of not being a blend-in-able nobody.

I was basically afraid of facing the critical & harsh world of online/social media. I am most likely never going to be completely over this, I imagine, because one of my “love languages” is affirmation & while that means I flourish when others believe in me, negative responses make me want to quit.

I just pray about this & know that if/when it happens, I will just need to cling to God & step forward with His help, because this girl won’t make it far otherwise. (Good thing God is big enough for the both of us, huh?)

A Voice in the Wind

After praying over this anxiety & asking God to help me trust Him more than my fears, the blog began… & so did other, new worries.

Not too long after beginning my blog, Satan tried scaring me away from shining for Christ by making me feel like a voice in the wind.

I had such passion & excitement, mixed with diligent planning, praying, & preparations, to share my heart & point to Jesus’ hope in everything I talked about… but no one seemed to care one single bit.

It was pure crickets.

I felt alone. I felt my efforts were wasted. I felt my voice simply echoed over empty rooms.

He Is SO Worth It

But again, God is always ready to use faced trials in our obedience to follow His lead as an opportunity to teach & grow me & that, sister, is exactly what He did.

God showed me through that LONG time of silence a lesson about priorities.

Was my priority in being heard or in showing up in obedience to Jesus Christ whether I felt heard or not, shining a light of hope in Him no matter who noticed? Was my goal recognition or putting God’s glory first regardless?

Even If Just the Background Noise

It was through that wasteland of cricket responses that I learned that not everyone who notices will say so, but I should show up & point to Jesus Christ anyway.

It was through that wasteland that I learned that even if NO ONE was paying attention, silent or not, it was worth showing up for Jesus.

Even if to others I was just background noise that sang the praises of my Father God, I was willing to show up & keep being that background noise that always pointed to Him as my hope.

It wasn’t about me. It was about Him.

Growing Pains Lead to Growth

But, of course, the lessons didn’t stop there.

Next, after growing in understanding my need to turn to God in my fears & after licking my wounds of feeling invisible in my efforts & exchanging that perspective to just show up & point to Him anyway… Next came a new fear: Never feeling like I had anything important to say.

Satan keeps on coming & God keeps on using it to make my trust in God even stronger. Take that, Satan!

You can probably guess that God ALSO used this insecurity to grow me… He did. He’s always with me.

Not How Great I Am

It’s easy to look at my mistakes, my failures, my insecurities, my awkwardness (this one is a big one, y’all), my PAST, my lacking, my insufficiencies, my everything-that-is-less-than-perfect-about-me… & think to myself & to God, “God, are You kidding me? I canNOT do this! I mean, LOOK at me!? I am not worthy to be a voice for You. I am not good enough to stand up & shout Your glory. I will screw it up… completely. I am too imperfect for this. I can’t.”

But God’s voice comes as a gentle reminder over my heart, “I made you. I don’t make mistakes. You’re human & you’re limited, yes… But I am Almighty AND I love you beyond your comprehension. I will help you. I don’t need you to be perfect. I just need you to show up for Me & let Me work through it. Your flaws, My glory. Just show up. Lean into Me, let Me strengthen you, let Me lead, & just show up. The world needs more people willing to be a shining light of hope in the darkness of sin & despair. I am that hope. So, just show up & shine & let Me do the rest.”

Just SHOW UP

And so, I come each week, knowing some weeks I probably sound like a rambling baboon.

But I show up. Because He’s worth showing up for.

God’s Not Done with Me Yet…

And finally, there are days like today, that have been showing up more & more frequently & consistently lately—Not being able to sit still or concentrate & then procrastinating REAL hard as a result.

And, looking back at God’s track record above, through the struggles on my now 2-year journey with this blog (not to mention every other trial I have turned to Him with in my life), I am pretty confident that God has a plan in this struggle as well.

He’s Always with Me… & You

So, I turn to Him in it. I lay down my grief & whining & dragging of my feet. I open up honestly to Him about my cases of, “I don’t wannas.” And I ask for His help… for Him to speak to someone, anyone, even if just one person, through my chaotic mess of thoughts as I sit to write.

And hopefully that’s you. Hopefully this encourages you to take every struggle, every trial, every “I don’t wanna” to HIM & ask for His help through every one of them.

I Pray for EASY

Do I often wish & ask God to make it easier, with less struggle & trial on this blog journey? YES.

But then I would be even more tempted to stop relying on Him & start relying more on myself.

Relying on myself NEVER ends well.

So, I will forever be grateful for the trials that remind me of my GREAT weakness & His GREAT willingness to help me every step of the way.

God Is Infinite… With Infinite Love for Us

Satan may have a slew of tactics to keep us silent, make us want to quit, & distract us away from shining for Jesus… BUT, God is INFINITELY bigger AND opens His doors wide for our EVERY petition & request.

• NO request is too small. He is infinite.
• NO request is too big. He is infinite.
• NO request is too hard. He is infinite.
• NO request is too inconvenient. He is infinite.
• NO request is too silly or “inconsequential”. He is infinite.

Ask Him… No Matter WHAT Your Struggle Is… Just ASK HIM

JUST ASK HIM. Be honest & raw & real about your heart & your screw ups & your “I don’t wannas” & go ahead & ASK HIM FOR HIS HELP.

Shine Hope by taking your messes to our infinite, almighty, loving God & by asking Him for His help through every single one.

He is infinite AND He loves you, Beautiful.

(Done writing with 3 hours left before my deadline… not including the need to do editing, graphics, & my Join My Tribe emails… Boy, I cannot WAIT until the time change hits again, because then it will give me an extra hour I can procrastinate each week, haha. (We don’t have daylight savings time in Japan.) But maybe I should pray through that, too.) 😉

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

This blog/website has been running for TWO years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Radiant Necklace Set

On-trend set of 3 layered necklaces (only 1 shown) that can be worn together or separately, featuring a labradorite stone, hammered discs, and a blue topaz crystal drop.

Artisan Information:

In India, poverty is rampant & fair working conditions are hard to find. Every purchase provides women with income, access to healthcare, education for their children, & care for elderly family members. Many of these artisans have been exploited by sweatshops in the past but are now receiving fair wages as artisans in safe & caring fair-trade workshops.

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

How You Can Help:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

The Raging Sea of Doubts about God Began

If you missed last week’s post, it was all about the first & greatest “Pivot” moment in my life, the day I met Jesus. (Check it out, here.)

It was simple & pure, trusting like a child (because I was a child).

But something big changed when I was first introduced to the Left Behind movie series, starring Kirk Cameron.

Doubts entered the picture.

… Fear that maybe I got it all wrong & that I was maybe actually going to Hell… going to be “left behind,” only to live in the shame that my faith was fake the whole time… or just not strong enough.

I wanted to know for sure.

Other “Options” Now in the Picture

But then, being now in public middle school, I was hearing all sorts of opinions on what others thought was truth, based on a plethora of other “religious choices” that other kids at my school were adamantly claiming as truth. (I love the word plethora, don’t you? Haha)

So, combine my fear that my faith might not be “real enough” with the fact that I now questioned if my religion was even real…. I was then tossed into a sea of raging doubts. A sea that seemed to go on without end.

I didn’t know which way was up or down or left or right anymore. What once seemed so simple & so pure was now tainted with doubts & full of fear.

And rebellion.

Part of Me Wanted It All to be Fake–So I Could Live MY Way

I can’t deny that nasty word from making its appearance in this whole scenario.

I knew, deep down, that something in me WANTED it to be fake. I wanted it to all be a sham so that I could do whatever I wanted like everyone else seemed so comfortable doing. I didn’t want consequences, just freedom, my way. I mostly just didn’t want to have to follow rules (mostly because I misunderstood the “rules” in the first place, thinking they were meant to suck fun out of my life versus the way to live the most fulfilling & satisfying life imaginable!)

But I couldn’t do that IF it might be real.

Because… consequences.

God Has a Reason

You see, I always thought of God as a sort of dictator & that Christianity was all about following His rules, or else.

Now, don’t hear me wrong, we DEFINITELY should live by His rules & His alone, not ours… But it’s for our good, not just “because He says so.”

The Doubts Led to Determination for TRUTH

So, here I was, afraid that my faith was not real enough, afraid that my religion might not even be real, & afraid that I would be trying to follow rules I didn’t want to follow just to appease some possibly made up God.

I had to know the truth. If everyone thought their “god” was real, which one was right? They couldn’t all be right because that made them all sound made up. So, which one was it?

Did I believe just because I grew up that way? Was I indoctrinated into Christianity because I was told to believe it? Was my salvation even real? Maybe I wasn’t good enough to prove my sincerity of faith…. Was God even real? What was real? What was truth? Can we even know?

Those were just the tip of the iceberg for me. I had questions that went on for days.

And with those questions came the tossing to & fro unrest that became my life.

Tossing To & Fro

Gone was my sure foundation, my steady ground built on faith in God.

My life was a mix of fear, anxiety, & rebellious hopes to have my way.

I will tell you that those were some of the worst times in my life, knowing that unrest & lack of peace… & the fear undercurrent that flowed through it all.

Puberty is hard enough without all of THAT going on inside my head!

But despite how many questions I asked, the answers were never enough.

The Cynical Questions

I felt a cynical whisper repeatedly, following every answer I received from others, saying, “But what do they know? What makes them the expert? All the other religions think they’re correct, too, so saying so doesn’t make it true. Humans make mistakes, so which one has it right? What if they’re all wrong? What if there is no God? No hope. No truth. No Heaven or Hell. No consequences?”

I never knew what to trust. I never knew WHO to trust.

Not that someone would knowingly LIE to me, but that maybe they were wrong.

I felt lost.

Deciding My OWN Path

Because I searched for close to two years without feeling satisfied that I could accept anything as pure truth versus opinions, I did the only thing I knew to do at that point, I started deciding for myself what I wanted to believe.

Of course, I wouldn’t do anything that seemed blatantly wrong or something I was warned against as a kid, JUST IN CASE there were consequences.

But instead of living to make some potentially made up God happy, I started living to make ME happy.

That’s when my sea of doubts began to take a sinister turn for the worst.

Lying to Myself

The guilt that I shoved down… The shame that I justified & placated… The excuses I made to keep living for myself….

It was a game of trying to stay above consequences while still getting whatever I wanted out of life.

This pivot of doubts was a painful, complicated one. It wasn’t as simple & pure as my first pivot. It felt like always flailing to keep my head above water.

Truth or Bust

I was no longer satisfied complacently wearing my badge of Christianity, going to church & praying before mealtimes… I wanted truth.

I wanted to know for sure whether or not what I believed was true or whether it was a myth developed long before I was born.

And I knew, that if anyone could answer these questions for me, it was God Himself.

The cynical voice was right, humans DID make mistakes, made even more evident by the endless slew of “religions” to choose from, because not all religions could be right (as some conflicted with others), so that meant some of them were wrong, if not all of them.

Not only that, but the Bible claimed that it’s God was the ONE TRUE God, Creator of Heaven & Earth, Lord over ALL. So, if that were true, there goes the rest of the “gods” out there.

Being the ONE TRUE God was a bold claim & a claim I wasn’t sure I could put my undivided faith toward. But either way, I wanted to know the truth for myself.

Maybe I Can Just Ignore It…

Oh, I TRIED to just smile & shoo away (more like shove away) all of my doubts, attending church & keeping my nagging doubts to myself (too ashamed to admit I questioned it all, afraid of upsetting God or my family or anyone really!) but those doubts were significantly stronger & more persistent than I was.

No longer could I stay content trusting in others’ opinions of truth. I was beginning a journey to find ACTUAL truth that I could rest in & hope in… a hope that wouldn’t fall out from under me.

Asking God, But Then Looking Elsewhere

I knew that God was the only One who could really prove Himself true, because if He were as He said He was, in the Bible, He could do ANYTHING.

But, like many people do, I didn’t stop at that… Oh, no, no. I had a backup plan that included me taking action to find that truth my own way….

… By relying on myself to find what made me happy, versus leaning into God for lasting joy.

Instead of leaning into God, I leaned mostly into myself & whatever I felt was true for me which, by definition, meant I was no different than anyone else I dismissed.

Questions Answered by God, Who Knows All & Knows Your Heart & Knows Just How to Reach to the Core of Your Doubts–If You Let Him

That led me down a much worse path—depression. Or, as I am calling it in this series, “Pivot #3”, coming next week.

The point I want to make with this week’s post is this:

We all have questions, because we will never fully understand God or His design for this world or for our lives… but don’t run AWAY from God with those questions.

Take your questions to Him. He can handle it. He has patience like you wouldn’t believe & wisdom that transcends time & human limitations.

God Is the Backup Plan to the Original Plan–He Is Where Truth Awaits

My life provides you with an example of what NOT to do.

Don’t take your questions, ask God for help in answering them, & THEN ALSO try to find happiness your own way. It doesn’t end up well. You can convince yourself you’re fine all you want, but something in your spirit screams that there’s meant to be more than just surviving. Listen to that. It’s right.

God wants you to come home to Him, to rest in Him, to feel SURE… He wants you to feel secure & at peace with the foundation of steady, reliable truth. He wants you to know His love & grace & to feel those flowing through every situation in life.

Trust Him with your questions. He CAN & WILL answer them.

Answers Came in the Darkness

Next week, you will see how He answered my questions countless times, but I dismissed them countless more, until He got my attention in a way that I can never dismiss again.

He knew (knows) ME & how to get through to ME in a way that is intimately designed to make it clear in a way I need it to be.

He can do the same for you—If you are truly seeking truth & not just a way to placate your desire for a consequence-free lifestyle of rebellion to everything God stands for He will reveal truth.

Seek Him—He can handle it.

Coming Next Week

Join me next Monday morning, EST, for Pivot #3, the story of my dark journey through depression, & the truth that broke through the raging sea.

Make sure to Join My Tribe (Subscribe), so you don’t miss it!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Worthy Necklace

Beautifully delicate in design, this rose gold plated chain displays a light pink rose quartz stone. Crafted in India.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

(Also pictured: Steadfast Cuff, made in India!)

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Something Missing

Have you ever felt like something is missing? Like you are scrambling through life, trying to be a good person, trying to please God with your life, but still feeling like you don’t even come close?

Especially for those of us who are Christians (those who have accepted the free gift of Jesus’ sacrificial grace), it can seem exhausting trying to keep up.

But what if that’s because we are missing something?

Is “Being Good” Good Enough?

Most of us want to believe that we’re good people, or at least that we try to be.

And for those of us who have accepted Christ’s gift of grace, having the understanding that we are free from the consequences of our guilt & shame, knowing that, after death, we will have the blessing of eternal love & joy to replace the eternal torment that we so deserve… we can sometimes think His help stops there.

When Jesus Left Earth, God Sent a “Comforter”

But God’s involvement in our lives is not just offered as a future hope from the debt we owe being covered by Christ’s sacrifice… It is offered right now, in daily life.

You see, despite this broken world preventing us from seeing the full vastness of God’s glory during life on this earth, God is with us.

If you remember, Jesus told us in John 14 that He was sending (& DID send!) a Comforter, the Holy Spirit.

So Much More Than Grace

God offers us Himself daily, through the workings of the Holy Spirit.

He offers comfort, strength, love, wisdom, guidance, & so much more.

As we seek to honor God with our lives, we will discover that we are frail & prone to temptation.

But God is infinitely strong, wise, powerful, gracious, loving & able.

The Daily Grind, With God’s Help, To Give Him Glory

As you reach each hurdle or obstacle in life, instead of agonizing over how to honor God or how to live for Him or how to be “good enough”, stop & ask for God’s help in doing those things. (*But, Hint: We will never be “good enough”, that’s why Jesus came to die in our place.)

Ask Him for peace, calm, comfort & wisdom when the kids are unruly (or when they’re driving you to hide in a closet & stuff chocolate in your face, as desperately exhausted tears roll down your cheeks–I get the feeling that every Mom faces these moments).

Ask for His wisdom & guidance before the tears even come.

Ask Him for strength, courage, & wisdom to do the right thing in a tough situation.

Ask for His peace & wisdom to guide your decisions when you’re in a tough spot & even before you’re in a tough spot.

Let God into the Conversation

That’s what “pray without ceasing” in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 is talking about… make God part of your inner conversation. Invite Him in.

Instead of mulling over, agonizing, fretting, plotting, brooding, moping, worrying, fearing, straining, guessing, or winging it… invite God in & ask what He would do instead.

God Is Our Victory, Not Us

He doesn’t expect us to be warriors for hope & truth in the darkness of this world without HIS comfort, courage, power, strength, & wisdom giving us the resources to make it happen.

I see you… maybe you’re like me & you drove yourself out of reading the Bible & praying & other things because it felt impossible.

But that’s because it is. For us. In our own strength.

But it’s not impossible for God. EVER.

Stop. And Pray.

So, before you throw in the towel, before you storm in to a situation or run away from it, before you rely on yourself to be the only way to make something happen… Stop & invite God in to the conversation.

Crawl, fall, or step into His loving & willing embrace & say something like this to Him:

“God, my [personality, upbringing, understanding, natural instinct, desires, fear, anger, hurt, etc.] is telling me to react like this, but God, You are greater than I. Your wisdom & knowledge & power & strength & courage & love & patience & graciousness are far more vast than my own. Help me to see it Your way. Help me to do it Your way. Help me to honor You. Give me what I need to walk this path the direction & way that gives You glory. You know what’s best for me AND for this situation more than I ever could, so help me to trust in You & rest in You. Guide me. Enable me to do Your will. HELP me to trust You & know You & love You more every day. Amen.”

There is no magic formula or magic set of words. He is waiting & willing to help you as you put your trust in Him.

Let God Do the Change in You As You Put More Trust in Him

Do you have doubts about Him? Ask Him for truth.

Do you have fears or shame that you hide away? Ask Him for His courage & grace.

Do you have worries & confusion that plague you? Ask Him for His wisdom.

Do you feel tired as a daughter, mother, employer, employee, wife, friend, etc.? Ask for His peace & guidance.

He is listening. He is waiting.

Crawl, fall, or step into His waiting embrace. Lean into Him. Trust Him.

And let Him in.

He is waiting for you, Lovely.

Coming Next Week

This week is our Special Feature post, every last Thursday of the month. So, stay tuned for something fun or different than our usual!

Make sure to join me next Monday morning EST, as I do my best to encourage you with the hope that only comes with trusting in Him to be your all, in this life & eternity to come.

Happy Easter (aka Resurrection Day)! He is risen! He is risen indeed!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Restoring Hope Necklace

This versatile necklace features mother of pearl in hues of black on one side and off-white on the other, hanging from an antiqued brass chain.

Artisan Information:

In Asia, poverty leads many women to be sexually exploited in brothels. These women want to provide for their families but have so few options. But through your purchase, women are being rescued from these brothels & rehabilitated. Holistic care is given to these women, including a shelter, job training, healthcare, counseling, & educational grants for themselves & their children. You can help these women experience restoration for their future!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Asia!

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!