Who Else Doubts God Sometimes?

Let’s talk about doubts about God, today.

We’ve all had them, whether we readily want to admit that or not. It’s natural to do it, since God’s working is so out of our ability to understand on so many levels–He is infinite in His knowledge of time & history… past, present, & future.

What Do You Do About Them?

So, what do we do about them?

I’ll tell you what I used to always do growing up—stuff them.

That’s right. I saw my doubts flutter across my mind, felt guilty for feeling/thinking it, & then just tried to pretend they weren’t there at all.

I will be the first to tell you, don’t do that… you’ll always regret it at some point.

Stuffed doubts tend to grow underneath & can create even bigger problems down the road for you.

So then what do you do with them if you can’t ignore them?

The Oldest Trick in the Book

Well, let’s start by saying that doubts are not only natural to mankind, they are also the oldest trick in the book for Satan—Garden of Eden story ringing any bells for you on this?

“Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” (Genesis 3:1) (emphasis mine)

He twisted what God had commanded about not eating from that one tree, to undermine God’s authority & make it seem an outlandish, unreasonable thing for Him to command, by clumping in every other tree to exaggerate his point to Eve.

And he does the same to us…

“Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)

Doubts Once Consumed Me As I Sought to Hide Them

Let me begin this section by reminding you that the following doubts, while are common to cross a person’s mind at some point, are ALL laced in deceit (LIES).

“Did God really tell you you could never have ANY fun? What kind of life is that?”

“Did God REALLY tell you to spend your time reading an old, boring book? As if that will help anything?”

“Did God really do all of those harsh judgments written in the Old Testament? Wouldn’t that make Him evil & someone to avoid?”

“Did He really say you shouldn’t do what feels so natural & right to YOU? Does He even know what He’s talking about?”

The questions go on & on, & I have wanted to buy into them almost every time a new one shows up. That’s why the guilt… & the avoidance.

God Already Knows Your Doubts & He Can Help Set the Record Straight

But let me comfort you with something right now… You are safe with bringing your doubts to God.

He understands we have limited foreknowledge & limited wisdom & limited understanding. He understands that we grew up believing differently than what His Word tells us is best for us.

And He KNOWS how to help you with those same doubts & every other one that sneaks in & threatens to take over.

Don’t Pull Away… Draw Near

You see, when I once hid them away, trying to ignore them, they would fester & sprout & grow as doubts against God in my heart. They made me pull AWAY from God, which is what Satan wanted all along.

But God is compassionate & loving & kind. He is all-wise & all-knowing. He can HELP you sort through those doubts & to set you free with a big dose of TRUTH to wash them away, even when you see no possible way.

Twu Wuv, It’s What Bwings Us Togevah Today

Look at what the Bible tells us about TRUE love (or, & tell me if you get this reference–TWU WUV) in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (emphasis mine)

Now compare that with 1 John 4:8: “Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” (emphasis mine)

God IS love.

Now read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 again with this in mind & tell me whether you believe that God will receive your doubts with kindness, understanding, & HELP.

He Beckons Us Closer

You see, the biggest thing I had always been missing when my doubts sprung up was that God was okay with me admitting they were there.

And not only that, but He wanted to help me know the Truth with which to replace those very lies.

I can’t begin to tell you how many doubts about God I have had in my lifetime & I am no longer ashamed to admit that. I venture to guess that I am not the only one.

So, This Is What I Know Now About Doubts

So, what I know about doubts is this:

1. They exist in (most likely) every single person at some time or another.
2. Satan puts a lot of those doubts there to distract you & to deceive you to push away from your only source of TRUE hope & Truth & love.
3. God understands that we will have doubts & welcomes us to bring them to Him for help & understanding.

Knowing these things, how do we handle those doubts while still honoring God & not pulling away from Him like Satan wants?

Suit Up

Here are some helpful weapons to use against the doubts WHEN they come:

1. Being aware that they’re a cunning & ruthless tactic of Satan & that he is known as the Deceiver.
2. Not hiding from them, but rather admitting them to God & asking for His help either to understand the TRUTH to counter that doubt, OR to learn how to TRUST Him regardless of whether or not you can grasp the Truth (because, let’s face it, there are things about God’s plans that span beyond our lifetime & understanding & therefore, we may never see exactly how something fits in God’s plan, but we can know that He has one & that it’s a good one & that it’s also meant for our good & the good of all mankind.)
3. Staying consistent in reading the Bible & learning a deeper view of WHO God is, so that when those doubts come, you are planted more securely in a broader perspective & are less easily rattled by those springing doubts.
4. Memorizing God’s Word, even bit by bit, tucking away Truths in your heart to act as a sword & shield against doubts that try to knock you down. Be ready!
5. Asking a pastor or Christian mentor whom you trust their discernment or knowledge of God’s Word & ways better than you do, who can give you perspective on it deeper than maybe what you see on the surface of that doubt.
6. Lastly, & most importantly, STAY CONNECTED to God by talking to Him frequently, asking for His wisdom, direction, peace, strength, courage, hope, comfort, etc. Connect yourself with Him & cultivate that trust by spending time with Him. Not just in following rituals, but by talking to Him about your worries, stress, anger, hurt, doubts, hopes, aches, plans, loves, relationships, etc. EVERYTHING. Let Him in & let Him help & let Him teach you to love Him more by Him showing you more of how much He loves YOU.

Embrace God’s Willingness & Ability to Help You Face Your Doubts Head-on

Don’t run from doubts. Don’t let them fester.

Face them head on & embrace God’s willingness & ability to help. He knows where that doubt is coming from & He has the wisdom to reassure you or teach & grow you into a better understanding.

He can handle it. Trust me.

So, run to Him, always, in all things, & talk to Him without ceasing.

HE is where your hope comes from.

So shine HOPE by taking those doubts to Him & getting them sorted out & dealt with BEFORE they become a problem, or even as healing, clean-up, & growth AFTER they already are a problem. Either way, He’s got you, babe.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Ramala Bracelet Set

A set of 2, these bracelets are silver, adjustable, & one features real moonstone, with varying hues of lilac, blue, & purple.

Artisan Information:

The poverty cycle in India continues primarily because of the lack of education. Most schools are not free or affordable. Therefore, many children never learn to read or write & grow up with limited opportunities. However, every purchase of this product empowers women to provide for their children & send them to school! You have the opportunity to end poverty & create an impact for generations to come!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Post #100! Woohoo & Thank You!

First of all, I want to thank you for joining me on this journey that started as an idea, turned into a dream, & was nudged & helped along by God’s working things out—my Blog.

Today marks my 100^th post! I never thought I could EVER be consistent in something that didn’t have any real, solid deadline, a paycheck resting on it, or a boss checking in on me… But through MANY prayers for God’s help on the days I just wanted to forget it & do what I wanted, no matter how lazy on that day, & through your encouragement & support to keep going, GOD HAS SEEN ME THROUGH IT!

Praise God! I am amazed at how strongly He has been a part of every step as I turned it over to Him in times of my self-focused, lazy, “wanna quit” days. He is Good.

Only By & Through Him

This celebration of reaching blog post #100 is a GREAT Segway into our topic this week- “Why Pray When God Already Knows?” because it was only through leaning into God for help & motivation & wisdom that got me to this point where I can celebrate!

It is a celebration of His faithfulness & strength in the face of my own humanity.

Anyone Else?

I am by no means an expert on prayer. I oftentimes am HORRIBLE at even REMEMBERING to pray.

I seem to like to try & fail until I am ready to quit before I reach out to Him.

I seem to like to try my own wisdom before asking for His.

I seem to wait until I am overwhelmed & full of anxiety before I realize I can reach out to Him for help.

I also seem to think sometimes that because I am a Christian, it is the same as praying & I should just succeed because of that… before realizing He still asks me to ask Him when I need something (otherwise I am too tempted to credit my own “righteousness” or works as the reason He helped). Anyone else guilty of this??

I mean, there are countless Bible verses that discuss the urge/command/need for prayer & for ASKING God, versus just expecting Him to do it because we want it.

The How to & the When to Are Also Important, But a Subject for Another Day

HOW TO pray, in being humble & coming to God with the sense of “You are God & I am not, please help me,” could be a whole separate topic.

WHEN TO pray is also its own topic—beyond the simplified command of “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17) to focus on what that could encompass of areas of our lives we tend to forget to pray most often.

but today’s focus is on the WHY.

Why Pray?

WHY pray? Why pray when God already knows what you’re thinking at every moment, even more clearly & distinctly than you can even perceive, with even all of the traumas & fears & insecurities that can influence exactly what you are thinking at every moment.

He knows your prayers before you even speak them, so why do it?

He Wants to Hear from YOU

First, I would like to share a simple illustration to help us get started with the first reason I want to highlight: He wants a strong RELATIONSHIP with us, which requires communication.

Imagine having a child where every day, before they come home from school, their teacher writes you to share every single thing the child did or faced or accomplished that day… but when your child gets home & you ask about their day, they share nothing. Was it enough to already know? Or would you long for your child to see how much you CARE about their day & to share it TOGETHER?

God may know it all, but He wants to hear it from YOU. He wants you to know HOW MUCH He cares about you. He wants to be a part of the little things. He wants to be a part of your life, supporting, encouraging, growing, strengthening, comforting, & helping you along the way.

Abba Father

One of the names given for God in the Bible is Father. And He is the BEST Father that WILL EVER exist. He loves you SOOOOOOO much & He wants to hear all about your day & be a part of every moment that matters to you (whether crushing or wonderful) & everything in between.

So, talk to Him! About everything. He is listening.

Stronger Than Superman, by FAR & He Wants to Help You in Life & to Live for Him

Other than wanting a relationship with us, He wants to help.

When we talk to Him & share our woes, we can ask Him for comfort & strength & wisdom.

When He asks something of us or tells us to do something for our good, He wants us to ask Him to help us do it, versus us relying on sheer willpower.

There are so many things that we miss out on regularly simply because we fail to even rely on Him & ask Him for it!

How Often Do We Miss Out on All He Offers Us in Life?

He offers peace, wisdom, guidance, strength, joy, hope, growth, resources, & power to accomplish what He asks of us—it seems almost stupid not to ask, but I can’t even count how many times I forget!

He goes before us & sees the entire timeline of humanity. He already knows what will happen, is not caught off guard, & already has a plan in place if we but ask Him.

So, (& I am also talking to myself here, too), remember to ask Him for all things & talk to Him about your life & your thoughts & concerns & doubts & worries & insecurities & fears & hopes & dreams & cares.

He is waiting to hear from you.

Shine HOPE by building your relationship with God our Father & by leaning into Him through prayer in your tasks, worries, etc. He is able & willing, so lean into Him in all things. (Even if things don’t work out the way you wish, trust Him to work His plan out in an even better way than you can dream up. He’s got it covered & wants to let you work alongside Him in His plan.)

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Chelsie Necklace

(One of my personal FAVORITES!-MH)

This curved bar necklace features gold and rose gold tones. Hanging from a gold colored chain, this piece was named after one of our co-founders because of her golden & modern style, along with her passion for using sustainable business to end poverty.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Digging Deeper

A few weeks ago, I talked about the topic “He Can Take Our Nothing & Make It a Masterpiece-His Gifting, Not Mine,” to show, for one, that when we put our faith in Jesus as Lord of our life & Redeemer for our wrongs, God in turn equips us to serve Him by giving us specific spiritual gifts.

Am I an expert on spiritual gifts? Haha, definitely not. Have I learned SOME things? Yes. So, hopefully the “some” I have learned is of help or encouragement to you.

(Again, these won’t apply to you if you have not already accepted to trust Jesus to cover your sins & redeem your life. See my “Hope Is Found” page to learn more.)

What Having a Spiritual Gift Does/Does NOT Mean

I would like to share some about my spiritual gift today, but I think it is important to address a few things with spiritual gifting before I share about my particular gifting:

1. We do not automatically become “good at” our gifting just because we are given that gifting.
2. God can still use our gifting, even when we’re “bad at it” just by our being responsive & obedient to His leading.
3. Having a gift does not guarantee that it will be used in submission to God’s will, versus our own.
4. We may not even recognize what our spiritual gifting is right away.
5. With my particular gift especially, it does NOT mean I know everything &/or that I can answer any & everything you ask. If God does not give me insight, I have as much to go on as you do in most cases.
6. And sometimes, you are too embarrassed to even TALK about your spiritual gift to others because some are so easily misunderstood and/or mocked.

“Mhm, Yeah, Sure”

When people hear about my spiritual gift, for example, people often tend to think one or more of a few different things, or all of them…

1. “Oh, she thinks she can tell us our future then? *scoff*”
2. “So, she is comparing herself to the great people in the Bible, like Paul? Who does she think she is? She can’t even come close! How arrogant & self-righteous….”
3. “*sarcasm* Oh, the wise ol Michelle who is trying to tell me that she is gifted by God to tell me what to do. Aka a real know-it-all.”

I am not saying people will actually SAY those things out loud, of course (although they sometimes do), but before I understood anything about my gifting, I definitely would have discreetly rolled my eyes & probably thought ALL of those things if someone had told me they had the gift I now know I was given.

Out With It, Then!

So, what is my gift then? (If you haven’t already guessed from the title.)

*Deep breath*

Prophecy. Yep, that’s right… prophecy….

Now go ahead & read back that 3-point list & tell me if any of those thoughts instantly rolled across your mind…. Trust me, they ran across mine.

There may be some of you who are thinking right now, “Well, I WAS getting encouragement from her posts before, but if she is going to claim herself as a “Prophet of God,” well, I’m done reading HER stuff! Good-BYE!!”

I get it. Trust me, I SOOO get it. I am quick to do the very same thing. How hypocritcal, I know. Because some people, if they DO actually have that gifting can easily place THEMSELVES on the pedestal, instead of using their gifting to point back to GOD ON HIS THRONE.

“I Didn’t Realize Michelle Was So Full of Herself…” But WAIT!

It sounds like I am making a pretty, shiny badge for myself, pinning it on my shirt, placing a tiara on the top of my head, & yelling, “Hey everyone! Listen to me! Don’t you know I’m a PROPHET of GOD!?”

But, I am not doing that. Instead, it is more like an under my breath, head tilted away slightly to muffle my voice, with a very tiny whisper, “yeah, so I kind of have the gift of prophesy. Please don’t think I’m crazy & please still be my friend.”

I accepted trust in Jesus at a very young age (5 years old) & was then given my gifting, so this has almost been a lifelong gifting in my life, but since people tend to roll their eyes at it & act like the gift of prophecy is a thing of the past, I was completely unaware most of my life that this was even a possible gift, let alone MY personal gift.

I didn’t even get a notion of the idea until around 2007, when I was about 24 years old! 19 years of wondering why I felt so different from everyone else around me & thinking it was something to hide & be embarrassed about… & a thing that made people frustrated with me, even as a child.

Getting Clarity

But, it’s not like what people think, for the most part.

I cannot predict the future on a whim & I am not as faithful & wise as Paul& so many others that have come before me & I will probably never even come close (although their gifting was from God, too, like all of ours, so technically that’s really up to God & not me, so saying I will never meet that level of “success?” is actually a hit at God & not me, but anyway….)

So, what does it mean to have the gift of Prophesy then?

Basically, “speaking forth truth.” Or, as the web dictionary put it, “a person regarded as an inspired teacher or proclaimer of the will of God.”

Again, I just want to reiterate that I MAKE MISTAKES & I am NOT infallible. If God does not reveal insight then my guess is as good as yours, unless I have been through it or had personal experience or whatnot, but otherwise, I am not all-knowing nor will EVER claim to be so.

Why Then, the Shame?

So, why does it make me feel so ashamed to claim this GOD-GIVEN gift of Prophesy?

I did not choose it. I did not EARN it. I am no more faithful than anyone else.

So, why ME?

And if I did not choose it or earn it or gain it for being more faithful than others… If it is therefore REALLY, SIMPLY a GIFT from GOD… then why am I so ashamed to speak of it?

Maybe partly because of how easily using my gift can rub people the wrong way when I just want to be liked AND use my gift.

And maybe also because people just don’t believe it’s a real gift in modern times or they misunderstand me. I have been told that claiming that gift sounds conceited or “full of myself.” I don’t always have time to or know how to help people understand before they have written me off as blasphemous or crazy or arrogant or deluded or all of the above.

God-Given, Even When…

The post I mentioned at the beginning of today’s post was written to show just how miserably UNDESERVING I am… How, even at my worst, God still works through the gifting HE gave me.

You see, I have the gifting, even when I…

… Choose to keep silent

… Get proud of it

… Feel ashamed of it

… Fail God miserably

… Am unfaithful to God

… Use it to be snooty or sinful (See examples of lesser known prophets who used their gifting for financial gain & for personal glory, versus giving GOD the credit & glory.)

The gift is just… there… a part of me.

Does He multiply our efforts when we seek to be obedient & to submit to His leading in using our gifting to honor Him & bring Him glory? Most definitely.

Does He use that gifting in us DESPITE us? Most definitely.

A Heavy Burden to Bear, But Also A Magnificent Gift

And although I feel blessed to have insight on how to grow closer to God in submitting more of my trust to Him, my gifting is sometimes a VERY heavy burden to bear.

In fact, I used to pray to have it taken away because I much prefer to have everyone like me than for them to think me as a pretentious know-it-all who stirs conviction for change in their hearts when I speak. (*And I don’t always enjoy the constant convictions, either. Blissful ignorance, anyone?)

People like comfortable. I like comfortable.

The gift of prophesy is the OPPOSITE of comfortable… in fact, at its core the gift of prophesy is about stirring up DISCOMFORT in staying where we’re at spiritually in hopes of continuing to grow more in likeness to Christ & submission to the will of God & in following the leading/wisdom of the Holy Spirit.

That, my friend, is not usually comfortable.

No Blissful Ignorance for Me

Imagine seeing conviction in almost EVERYTHING your whole life.

When someone talks to you about something & you automatically see the will of God spill over your mind involuntarily, showing you the truth behind the words & sometimes you just want to say, “No. Nope. I’m not listening, gifting, I’m not listening to you! I want them to like me!”

My gifting prompted much of my desire for rebellion growing up & at the same time, kept me from indulging in it most always, leaving me wishing I could just be a “normal teenager & not feel so torn up all the time about every little decision & the intent behind it.”

A Boy-Crazy Daydreamer… But, NOPE

For example, in high school I wanted to date whoever, for as long as I want &  just soak up all the attention & relish in affection of boyfriends & the status of being someone’s “girlfriend”, rather than being a short 1-2 weeks in before the prophecy gift insight starts flooding over every bit of enjoyment I was getting from the relationship, allowing me to enjoy nothing, with, “You know you’re using him. You are enjoying the attention & you are in this not for the two of you but because you want to be loved. You are using him to feel valued. You need to be honest with yourself & with him. You need to learn to draw your value from your Creator, not this boy. You need to care more about him as a person than what you can get out from him. He matters to God. Don’t take this lightly. He is not an object to take advantage of just so you feel better about yourself.”

Uggghhh, NOT what a teenage daydreamer/boy crazy girl wants to hear!

Don’t get me wrong, it kept me out of a lot of regrets & hurts, but back then, I just wanted to enjoy what seemed so easy for everyone else to enjoy.

It Definitely Doesn’t Win Me Any Popularity Contests

Having my gift means I can’t live in blissful ignorance. I can’t just be comfortable. At times, I see what needs to change in everything all the time & it can be overwhelmingly tough to swallow sometimes, especially when I was just a child figuring out life. (But difficult does not mean it was bad or unappreciated because it definitely kept me from many regrets.)

People who know me either lean into it & hope to clear out the junk to grow closer to God or they tend to want to plug their ears & ask me to please stop talking.

And it hurts. I can’t deny that it hurts sometimes. Because I want to be liked & accepted by everyone & my gifting is not always received with open arms.

Sometimes I get verbally smacked in the face, even when I speak with gentleness & care for them, intending ONLY to help them see what is clogging their loving relationship to Christ… what is chaining them back from feeling free & loved in Him.

It rubs people the wrong way when you can (even gently) see through their excuses & past their blinders to what God wants them to see.

And I get it. I GET IT. I am the SAME way.

I Am Not Immune to the Allure of Excuses or the Temptation of Legalism (Buying God’s Affections with My Works)

Sometimes I just want to be blissfully ignorant & do whatever I want without thinking through every reason why it means I am being rebellious to God or how I am making excuses.

Having my gift doesn’t mean I am automatically faithful to listen to my own God-given insight.

I have to wrestle with the insight a lot & it sometimes takes me years of wrestling with it until I finally submit & reap the rewards of what God only meant for my good all along, but I was too stubborn to notice or care.

I used to really struggle with legalism because I thought my insight & burden meant I had to maintain perfection or that I was better than other Christians, thus “earning” my gift.

It doesn’t.

I am learning balance.

A Process of Growth, Led by God, If I Am Willing to Listen

But it’s a process. All of it is a process of learning… A process of letting the convictions come & leaning into God, versus plugging my ears & pulling away, & instead, saying, “Oh, God, I am not good at that one either! Please help me grow in that area in your timing & show me where I can reasonably start working on it soon. You are the author of my growth, so please help me trust You in the process versus putting all the burden on myself.”

He Wants to Help Us-For Real

Because really, the convictions are His way of saying, “Hey, you’re hurting because you’re clinging to something that can’t help you, expecting it to help you. Let go & let me help you for real.”

The convictions from God are meant for our GOOD, even though they can be SO uncomfortable to recognize & face.

My gift was given to me & others because people NEED to know what a relationship with Him is MEANT to be like. Where you feel safe & comforted & free & healed & loved so purely & so deeply & so undeservedly.

My gifting is meant to help people see what is coming between them & that sort of relationship with God… To help guide them to let go of what can’t help them for Who CAN help them. My gifting is meant to bring people to HIM as the true source of LIFE & LOVE & HOPE & GRACE.

Again… His Gifting, Not Mine

I don’t want to be silent about my gifting anymore. I don’t want to be ashamed of how God made me. Because He made me this way for a purpose… to help cut through the lies we so easily tell ourselves & to point people back to HIM.

God gave it to me. Not because I am better or more faithful than others (far from it), but because He CHOSE to be working through my life in that way to reach others with HOPE… TRUE, lasting HOPE in Him.

Please, Never… For His Glory, Not Mine

I never want to be one that gives the impression of, “Hear Me, Hear Me, all you puny peoples of the earth. I am a PROPHET & I deserve to be listened to & respected & heeded in all advice or insight I give you!”

FAR FROM IT.

If God chooses to give me insight into something, I will do my best to honor Him with that insight in prayers that His wisdom sent to my heart/brain & printed on these pages can bring others closer to HIM, not me.

I will fail you. I will. I am human.

But God does not fail. EVER.

Lean into Potential Growth by Praying to Accept it, Versus Shoving It Away

If something I write offends you, please don’t get mad at me or write me off (I still want to be friends). And don’t for a second think I am judging you. (Just because I get the insight doesn’t mean I always am quick to obey its truth.) But PRAY & ask God how He can shape you in that area to honor Him & to know & love Him more through the journey, holding nothing back from Him, even if the realization hurts a little at first… the growth in Him is totally worth it, trust me.

We’re in this journey together, as fellow gift-bearers. I benefit from you honoring God with your gifting, & hopefully you will benefit from what God uses my gifting for in your life.

By Him. Through Him. FOR Him.

To point others back TO Him.

He Is What We ALL Need

He is what you need. He is what we ALL need. So, seek Him with all of your heart, mind, soul, & strength. He is worth it every time.

Shine Hope, Lovely, & start by praying over what your gift is & how He wants you to use it for His honor & glory, to draw others to the HOPE found only in Him. And if you don’t know His hope personally, ask Him for that first, above anything else. It will change your life forever. It will GIVE you life.

Shine HOPE.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Wisdom Necklace

Intricately handcrafted petals carved from ethically collected bone set in golden frames.

Artisan Information:

In India, poverty is rampant & fair working conditions are hard to find. But with every purchase, women are receiving an income, access to healthcare, adult literacy programs, & self-help groups! Not only does this change their lives, but they are also pouring back into their communities & helping others! You have the opportunity to empower thousands of women in India!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Being Gracious When They Ask

Have you ever been in a situation where you had to explain yourselves countless times & just got tired of doing so?

Now, I understand the value of being gracious to others, knowing that when they ask questions, it is not necessarily to mock or judge me, but rather because they lack understanding & want to better understand the situation. And, to better understand, they must ask someone who knows more than they do.

But Sometimes I Just Don’t Feel Up to It…

But, sometimes, as the explainer, I just don’t always feel up to the task.

Sometimes it’s hard to rehash something you’d rather forget was so different & in need of explaining.

Other times, you are struggling to make sense of it yourself.

I understand the value of patience & understanding, offering grace to those who may not know about my situation, but sometimes it’s hard to see past my own struggle.

Such is the case with my situation.

Sometimes I perk up at the opportunity to bless someone with a new & fresh perspective, & other times I just want to slowly, quietly back away & hope that they forgot I was even talking to them.

Our Planning Can Sometimes Make Us Expect Our Way Versus God’s Way

I think it is common to take for granted the “plan” for life that society has so ingrained in us. Grow up… Get married… Have babies… Become grandparents… etc.

Not to say there is anything wrong with that plan, except for the fact that we are determining what God’s plan should be for us & the fact that it seems to uproot us when we realize our plan might not actually be GOD’S plan for our lives.

I am currently thinking of the verses in James 4:13-15, “Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such & such a city, spend a year there, buy & sell, & make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time & then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live & do this or that.”

It’s Not Wrong to Make Plans, But Bow Them to God’s Will

It’s not wrong to set goals & plans, but we need to be willing to trust that whatever God’s plan is, is much better than ours & I think a lot of life’s disappointments stem from coming up with a way of life that seems right to us, only to find out God has other plans for our life purpose.

BUT, that’s not to say His plan will be easy to accept or easier than our plan… just BETTER.

Here Stems My Struggle

BUT, the catch to that, is we will miss out on so much of the blessing God intends in His BETTER by focusing on how much it doesn’t match the plan we have meticulously mapped out for ourselves—which can lead to much bitterness (trust me, I know from experience. I’m not always good at relinquishing my ideals for His perfect will.)

I’m good at (bad at?) thinking I know better. *sigh* I am a work in progress.

It Gets Personal

My husband & I always assumed we would have kids one day. Sure, I was terrified at first, & then he was when he felt the fuller weight of responsibility, but eventually we turned those fears to God’s care & welcomed God to bring a child into our lives with ready anticipation & excitement… for the next 6.5 years now.

Even after both of us being checked by the doctors & being told we were both in prime baby-making condition… Still, no baby.

Even after we prayed for many years… Still, no baby.

(Let me clarify that babies still sort of terrify me & I am not one to coo & jump at the opportunity to hold a baby, (sorry, mamas!) but I want a larger family… memories of family game nights & cooking together & caring for them & guiding my children to be lights in the world for HOPE in Jesus.)

BUT, it seems to be this is not God’s will for us now, if ever... & that was a hard reality to swallow.

Reasoning the Pain Away, Versus Leaning into God for Comfort & Wisdom

As I had mentioned in a previous blog post (here), although it was easy to convince myself why it’s so hard to be a parent & that I am blessed to be able to travel more readily, I learned that it was my way of trusting my reasoning more than leaning in to trust God with it.

And when I strip those reasonings away, I am left with seeing other families make those memories that I don’t get to make & feeling the threat of tears burning in the corners of my eyes. Because trusting in my own reasoning doesn’t actually help me erase the emotions behind the longing.

And sometimes, yes, I get tired explaining the complexity of it all & I just don’t want to explain my heart & my thoughts & everything in between.

I am just human. I don’t have all the answers to the ‘why’s’.

I am also not 100% faithful in trusting God’s plan.

Sometimes I want my plan instead.

The Joy

But I know that joy comes only when I am willing to understand that God is all-knowing & I am not. He knows me far better than I do myself because He created me. He KNOWS me. Joy comes in knowing that He wants good for me, & not harm. Joy comes in trusting Him more than I do myself.

But it took me a long time to get to that place with this subject (& I still struggle sometimes).

My Dreams

I mentioned before that ever since I read Authentic Beauty, by Leslie Ludy, back in 2006 or so, that I dreamed of reaching out to women with HOPE–Middle School girls, High School girls, College ladies, Moms, & women in general. (I even dreamed of, but never saw possible, the idea of running my own website where women could seek hope without judgment—my how God has answered THAT!!)

Well, taking that fact of having a passion to encourage & lead women with hope as the prequal, now enter my bitterness that I harbored for many years over a lack of a baby.

How do those two things work together? The dream… & the bitterness of no children?

Spiritual Fruitfulness

Last year, a Bible Study group I attended worked through a Beth Moore study called Breaking Free. One of the chapters was on “being fruitful.”

You can probably feel me tensing up then, after reading that day’s topic.

But to my surprise, it was not a chapter on the joys of motherhood & why every woman should want to have children because they are blessings from God.

This chapter was on spiritual fruitfulness & talked about the importance of replicating the hope & joy we have in Jesus around the world & to those around us.

God Fitting the Pieces Together Perfectly

Wow. Was that a humility check for me, because Beth Moore mentioned the little verse in Isaiah 54:1 that I had passed by so easily many times before, “Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord.”

And the same lines are repeated in Galatians 4:27.

With all of the many verses about the joys of parenthood & that children are God’s blessings to us, He does not neglect the longing, sad hearts of those like me, who can’t seem to have children.

He makes a point to tell us to “burst into song” & to “shout for joy” & to show us that He has not forgotten nor forsaken us in His “No.”

Mothers Pour Mostly into THEIR Children, But Barren Women Can Pour into the Lives of MANY MORE

Beth Moore’s point, in that chapter, was that women who are mothers have the responsibility to pour into their children, care for them, discipline them, & guide them in how to seek & follow after Jesus Christ.

But, women who are barren (or, childless, in my case), have the opportunity to “be fruitful in their faith” on a MUCH larger scale by either pouring into the lives of all children they are blessed to interact with, or by pouring into mothers so that those mothers are encouraged & edified to then pour into THEIR children.

Always Look to God’s Plan & Ask Him for It!

You see, when I keep my eyes on GOD’S PLAN over my own, I am opened up to see the bigger picture. I am opened up to the FACT that God has not forgotten me & that He has a greater plan for me than I have for myself. I am opened up to release my bitterness & embrace JOY.

Is it possible that He will still choose to give me children in some way? Yes.

Do I still look at the back of board game boxes & feel a tinge of sadness at the smiling faces of that laughing family depicted there? Yes.

But does God comfort & strengthen & re-focus me as I lean into Him in it? Most definitely YES.

God Knows You & God Knows Best… Always

But, in the meantime (& if that time never comes), I should strive to see God’s whole picture… That yes, I may never be blessed with children of my own, but I can use that childless time to pour into the hearts of other women so that they, in turn, can pour into the lives of their children.

God has not deprived me of my dream to be fruitful. He has opened the door for me to see my dream realized on a larger scale.

Taking me from 2006 in wanting to be an intentional light in the world & to pour into the lives of other females, to now, in learning of that unique opportunity I have been given in not being blessed with children of my own.

Taking me from my 2006 dream of running a website, where ladies could come & seek answers about hope in Christ anonymously & without judgment of peers or parents, to running my own website & blog & Facebook community, starting in 2018. Wow!

Show Grace… Even to Yourself…

I feel blessed. I feel sad sometimes. And it’s okay to have both. God is capable of filling in my gaps.

Show grace to others who may not understand your situation. Take time to educate them so they may be more sensitive to others who do not share their circumstances.

Show grace to others who DON’T WANT (or feel too exhausted or overwhelmed) to share their own situation which is different than yours. Sometimes it’s hard to explain & other times it is just plain hard. Give grace.

And show grace to yourself. You’re not meant to understand it all, but God does, so lean into Him. And when you’re just too tired to explain yourself for the hundredth time, don’t take it out on the hundredth person to ask. Take a deep breath & be polite & patient & be praying… either say, “can we talk about this another time?” or “I understand that you want to understand this, but I am not up to explaining it right now, please excuse me.” Or, ask God for the patience & calm to sit down with them & talk them through it & answer their questions.

God’s got you, so let Him shine hope through you. He never fails. Lean into Him & above all, trust Him more than you do yourself. It’s worth it one hundred percent of the time, always.

Coming Next Week

*Check back THIS Thursday for October’s SPECIAL FEATURE post!*

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Turning Leaf Set

This silver finish hammered metal necklace with matching earrings was inspired by the beautiful shapes of leaves (& look like dragonfly wings). *Matching Earrings not pictured, but included in set.*

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Closing a Series, But God Is Always At Work

Well, this is it, the final week of our Pivot moments for this series.

I am sure God will continue to flip my world upside down to exchange the lies I have come to believe for His truth, but for the sake of this series of pivotal moments, this is the last… for now.

God Is Working a Masterpiece

Today, it will get dark again, before the light shines through the clouds, revealing a marvelous plan that God had all along, but that I just then began to realize was there.

That’s how it always works with God.

We tend to fret & stress & worry & fear, as if God doesn’t already have a plan to fit all of the pieces together, making a breath-taking masterpiece out of the messy “colors” we saw as chaos.

AND, He doesn’t leave it at that… He offers us comfort & peace & strength to endure the hardships that lead up to that marvelous reveal, as we lean into Him for it.

And that is how He worked as He led me through my struggles in both Guam AND Hokkaido.

God Was Working a Plan I Didn’t See

God was working a plan to show Himself to me in a way that I needed to see.

He needed me to learn that my gifting was simply His way of working through my life & had little to do with how much I may or may not have deserved it.

The Ugly Pride

First, I feel it important to let you in on the fact that I struggled (& still do struggle) with pride because of my gifting from God.

Because certain things oftentimes seem so obvious & easy to me, to see deeper insight into a situation to know God’s truth & how it needs to be applied or how someone is avoiding God’s truth in a certain area… I began to believe that it must be that I care more about God & truth than others.

I know, I know… it sounds arrogant just reading that.

But although I didn’t think of it as pride, but more that I felt alone in wanting to serve the truth, it just wasn’t true that my gifting was equal to my personal deserving of it.

An Undeserved Gift

My gifting was simply what it sounds like… a gift… from God. Did it make me more perceptive than some others? Perhaps. But I still had weaknesses where others had great strengths.

This particular area just happened to be MY strength, leaving me to need help from others with DIFFERENT strengths… the whole “body of Christ”/”body of the Church” idea. All of our strengths (“giftings”) WORK TOGETHER & are GIFTS from God—not earned or deserved.

Obviously, the more obedient & trusting we are to God, the more He will choose to work in & through our gifting, but the gifting itself is… just a GIFT.

All that to say, I obviously needed both a lesson in humility & a lesson in it being from HIM & not me.

Walking through the Valley

And to accomplish this pivot in my life, God chose to allow me to walk through hardship… namely, loneliness in Guam & a life of strain, where I had very little control, living in Japan, in an area with VERY LITTLE English.

Living in those two places brought me to a place of feeling like very little that I accomplished had anything to do with what I had earned or deserved.

I was mainly just trying to get through to the next day, only sometimes remembering to pray for the strength & peace & wisdom & guidance to navigate each day & instead, relying on television show marathons & food to get me through it.

And it got worse.

Starting to Have “The Talk”-About Depression & Potential Cries for Help

Near the end of those six years, I had to start having a lot of conversations with Jamie about my history with depression & that if it got bad enough, slipping by unnoticed until it consumed me, & if I admitted that to him & asked for help, that he needed to get me emergency help.

Luckily, it never reached emergency status, but I guess in a way it did.

Over time, in Hokkaido, the mental strain & stress of never understanding (pretty much anything) of the world around me began to take a serious toll on my mind.

I began having emotional breakdowns over the smallest things.

I felt BROKEN, like a person who couldn’t function like a normal human being.

Paper-Thin Patience

To better express the strain… if I dropped an item once, even a small, slip-through-my-fingers drop… it required a deep breath of resolve to just pick it back up…. But a second drop? The item would get picked up with lightning speed & chucked at the nearest wall.

Patience was worn thin every moment. I had zero patience.

I crumbled at the slightest aggravation or inconvenience.

I cried or screamed or cursed so loud that I didn’t care if the whole world heard.

And I felt broken.

Broken

I understood this wasn’t normal. I understood that the average human being can manage to pick something up that had dropped just twice without feeling hatred explode out of her.

But I couldn’t stop it. I felt like something in me had short-circuited & I could no longer filter frustrations through logic & calm reserve to try again.

I just immediately would snap, without even considering it first or thinking it through.

It scared me how little control I had over my own brain & how it reacted to even minor difficulties.

And yet, through all of that, I felt God’s hand on me… as if He was reassuring me that He wouldn’t let go… that He had me still.

God Wasn’t Answering MY Way, So I Felt Forgotten

But I eventually stopped praying.

I felt deserted by God because the pain only got worse & the control over my own emotions melted slowly away.

I was trapped in a mental typhoon that swirled everything together & knocked all sense out of my life.

I was exhausted & frustrated. I felt broken & no longer whole or “normal” & I saw ZERO way to repair or fix it.

Every attempt seemed to laugh at me.

My prayers went “unanswered.”

Bitterness grew into an angry, snarling, jaded voice that screamed for relief at every corner.

Streaming Curse Words

I saw God walking beside me, in a sense, feeling Him there… but He wasn’t making all the pain stop. He wasn’t repairing my mind. He wasn’t calming the storm raging inside me.

So, I cried. A LOT.

My second (inner) language became strung-together curse words, screamed inside my mind.

I couldn’t turn off the rage that was starting to consume me, like a rage monster tearing away at me from the inside, bellowing its fierceness from within me.

Professional Help, Please!

As I finally confessed this inner battle to Jamie, upon our decision-making to stay in Hokkaido or move on, I told him the truth, “Jamie, I am really struggling. Either I need a professional counselor, or we need to leave to go somewhere less stressful on my brain. I need help.”

So, we moved to Misawa, Japan, near an American military base & the stress began to recede.

Even With My NOTHING

God showed me that even WHILE I was feeling broken & unfixable, bitter instead of trusting, & barely surviving through my mental typhoon each day, that He STILL chose to work through my life to bless others through my gifting.

In other words, EVEN WHEN I did NOTHING to earn or deserve anything, He still allowed me to be a blessing to others through HIS gifting.

Ex Nihilo

I used to think that it was up to us to bring the best of what we have & to be the best at everything ALL THE TIME & be everyone’s EVERYTHING, & ONLY THEN can God do miraculous, wonderful things in & through our lives.

BUT… in my failing… in my brokenness… in my falling apart… when I felt I had nothing to offer Him… HE STILL DID Mighty things, through ME!!

Like He showed us through Creation… God can do AMAZING things EX NIHILO (“From Nothing”).

Not Us, But HIM, THROUGH US

My gifting & my ability to bless others how He chooses to work through me, is not because I have proven any better than other people… but because He is a Mighty & Awesome & LOVING God who does great things despite my unworthiness, because He loves us so incredibly much.

He can take our NOTHING & make it a MASTERPIECE.

His Grace IS Sufficient

Even if our “leaning into Him” is as a paralytic who cannot even hold themselves up, HE HOLDS US UP in His strength, His mercy, His love, His power, His goodness, His forgiveness, His saving, HIS GRACE.

If you recognize a gifting God has given you when you chose to put your faith in Jesus as the Master & Redeemer of your life, learn from my mistakes… bow them at His feet & thank Him for blessing you with a way to bless others, through HIS GIFTING.

And then lean into Him to best use that gift to honor Him & to bring Him glory, by making Him famous wherever you go, loving others to Jesus, through truth & faith in Him. He will help you as you lean into Him.

Shine HOPE, by giving Him the little you have & letting Him multiply it, even if it feels as if you have little to nothing to offer Him… by LEANING INTO HIM.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Iris Earrings

Iridescent pink crystal beads sway on these golden teardrop hoops.

Artisan Information:

In Peru, rural citizens have been affected by extreme poverty & guerrilla warfare. Women are affected the worst as their husbands generally leave them in search of work. Many are unable to get the basic needs of food, shelter, & clothing. But with every purchase of this product, women are finding hope & an income by hand-making this beautiful product. Because of you, these family businesses are now empowering the next generation!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Peru!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Not Cut & Paste

Today’s topic (& pretty much every week’s topic) is not meant to show you a cut & paste way to handle a situation. It is meant to show you how God guides us if we are striving to honor Him above our own feelings, fears, or desires… if we are obeying His way over our own.

Going Back Home

Nine years ago, right after I had graduated from Liberty University (how has it already been NINE years?!), I went back to live with my parents in Northern Virginia.

My parents had just paid my way through Liberty, upon the agreement that I kept my grades up (I graduated top twenty percent of the School of Business!) &, what was later told to me, they would not be helping to pay for any wedding that could potentially happen (I didn’t know this then, as I had no relationship to consider at the time).

Debt

BUT, I still had loads of debt… to them.

How? Because my parents had HELPED me pay health insurance & car insurance for those three years, on the agreement that I would eventually reimburse them once I got a full-time job.

So, a couple hundred dollars a month, for three years, minus some I had managed to pay along the way, left me with a hefty sum of debt.

AND, to help me out, my parents were graciously allowing me to move back home after graduation, at age 26. (If you missed last week’s post, I waited to go back to college.)

My “Buffer” Account

I did have a savings account, that served as a (gradually depleting) buffer that allowed me to still fill up my gas tank & be available for lunches with friends (or as an emergency fund in case I had to have work on my car or other such unexpected expense).

Trying to Re-Write My Reputation

Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the pressure was laid on pretty thick, by my parents, to pay them back quickly by getting a full-time job.

I had been a difficult teenager, one who was always trying to get out of extra work, so I can understand their feelings of mistrust & urgency for me to prove myself responsible & willing to pay them back without endless delay.

But God had been working in me. I had been allowing God to grow me & weed out some of my bad habits & bad attitudes, & I had no desire to string my parents along.

I wanted to please them & make them proud.

I wanted to be a responsible adult & I was eager to start work & change the world (that’s how I felt, anyway).

But bad reputations have a nasty way of sticking around, even after God has changed your heart & attitude.

Can anyone relate?

A Changed Woman

Anyway, eager to prove myself a changed woman & a responsible adult, I looked for a job.

But I was looking for a career, not a dead-end job.

I was eager to work with an outreach program or youth ministry for a church. I was ready to change lives & impact people with the hope I was learning more about each year.

I definitely also looked for jobs I didn’t care about as much, though, because I was so eager to pave the path for a new reputation. I wanted to pay off my debt quickly & ease the minds of my parents, by removing the financial burden of my debt to them.

But God had other plans.

He wanted to show me more about trusting in Him, even when the pressure is thick.

A Word from God

In reading my Bible, I came across this nagging little truth (at least, it nagged at me because the conviction hit me hard. I was NOT ready to hear these words!):

“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
    when it is in your power to act.
Do not say to your neighbor,
    “Come back tomorrow and I’ll give it to you”—
    when you already have it with you.” (Proverbs 3:27-28)

You see, in keeping my little “buffer” savings account, while still owing a ton of money to my parents, God convicted my heart that I was essentially saying, “Come back tomorrow & I will give it to you”, when I already had it with me.

… AKA the exact thing God warns us NOT to do, in these verses.

A Chance to Obey

A choice had to be made in that moment.

Would I trust & obey God’s way of handling my situation? (AKA give my parents my savings account) … or was I going to hold on to fear & the comfort of being able to maintain the kind of life I was comfortable with, while waiting to repay them?

Too many times had I seen how things went way worse than I expected when doing them MY way, only to HAVE to try God’s way in the end & see it work out much better…

SO, I took out every penny of my savings account, (thus erasing any chance for impromptu dinners, lunches, coffee dates, movies, adventures with friends) & gave it directly to my parents, as a way to show them, THROUGH ACTION & not just words, that my dedication to repay them was sincere.

What Now?

And then, penniless, with just the full tank of gas that I had, I said “goodbye” to most of my social life.

(Adulthood was no longer seeming so appealing, haha.)

And… I prayed… A LOT.

I prayed for direction & peace & for my parents to see they could trust me… I prayed for a chance to move out & pay off debt & to GET A JOB.

I felt so untethered from the comforts I had always relied on & that led me to pray more than usual. I couldn’t just coast through this debt repayment anymore. I needed to make money to even just refill my gas tank next time!

So, I started (more) actively searching for a job… searching for ANY work to get me through to my next tank of gas (& those pesky bills) … babysitting, house-cleaning, mowing lawns, house-sitting, & whatever other oddball jobs I could manage to get.

Just Enough… Was Enough

Here is where I began to see that as I trust God (although, my human perspective still worried that I would miss bills & fail miserably) & lean fully into Him… He doesn’t leave us hanging.

While working my odd jobs, while also searching for a full-time job, I was earning just enough to scrape by.

I still gave ten percent of everything I earned as a tithe to God, through supporting my church.

Tithing When Barely Making It

Let me tell you, when you don’t even have money to ever go out to lunch with a friend because you are earning JUST enough to pay your current bills, fill up the gas tank, & pay the remainder to your parents for your debt, ten percent seems like SO MUCH MONEY!

But, again, I had seen how God has a purpose in every command He gives us & He promises to provide as we obey… SO, I trusted & obeyed, while giving ten percent of the precious little I had to the church.

And I am not telling you that to brag or to seem super righteous, but because God really does keep His promises to take care of our needs as we live in obedience & trust to His Word (the Bible).

Nothing Was Working the Way I Hoped, And Yet…

Listen to this… this is where it really got cool ….

Every full-time job opportunity fell through.

Every full-time job that seemed like a good potential, I felt a heavy wall block me from accepting it, as if God was saying, “nuh-uh… NO.” Even when I prayed for days afterward, hoping I could feel peace that never came.

I felt SO MUCH pressure from my parents’ even mild frustration (I am a people pleaser at heart) & I wanted SO BADLY to prove I meant it when I told them I wanted to get a job & pay them back & honor them in that way.

But ALL I HAD were oddball jobs.

I know, I know… These all seem like the opposite of “cool”….

Every Bill Paid ON TIME!

But, GUESS WHAT.

Every time a bill was coming dangerously close to being past-due, I would receive an unexpected call from either a friend of the family, a co-worker of my mom, or a friend of a friend who would somehow think to call me, & they would offer me another oddball job for some amount of time with some amount of money that they would offer….

AND Every single time, it would get paid to me DIRECTLY before my bill was past-due & be MORE than my bill was worth… enough to fill up my next tank of gas & chip off another tiny chunk of my debt (& still tithe).

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

HE Doesn’t Have Our Limitations

Girl, I want you to see that we serve a BIG God.

He is not bound by the limitations that we are bound by.

If we walk in trusting obedience to Him, He ALWAYS follows through & takes care of us.

Am I saying, “don’t take the job”? NO.

Am I saying to do it exactly how I did? NO.

I AM saying that, again, as we walk in trusting obedience to God’s Word & God’s leading on our hearts, He WILL be faithful to take care of our needs.

It may not always be comfortable (in fact, oftentimes it’s UNCOMFORTABLE, because it goes against our own understanding) or look the way we think it should or like we want it to, but we will see in those moments, that despite all that, God really did know BEST.

Oh, And One More Thing… Or Maybe Two

So, I urge you. I beg you. I challenge you, even… to trust Him.

Because He always knows what He’s doing, even when we are clueless.

And do you want to know the real kicker that gets me every time with this story?

Guess what, with those oddball jobs, over ONE Summer, I paid off my debt IN FULL.

Did I get to go to King’s Dominion with friends? No.

Did I get to go out for impromptu coffee or lunch dates with friends? No.

Was it comfortable never knowing if I could pay my next bill? No.

But, to see God work in the ways that He did AND allow me to pay off ALL OF IT during those oddball jobs… was the best Summer EVER.

*** Oh, & by the way… AFTER I paid off my debt to my parents, I got a job working for a small church in Alexandria, Virginia… where I met my husband. ***

God Always Knows

God ALWAYS knows what He’s doing, even when we’re just taking one step at a time & trusting Him with every part that we don’t understand. He always knows.

Shine hope, by trusting God first, last, & always.

Trust & obey & let Him lead by leaning into Him.

He’s got you.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Chelsie Necklace

This curved bar necklace features gold & rose gold tones. Hanging from a gold colored chain, this piece was named after one of our co-founders because of her golden & modern style, along with her passion for using sustainable business to end poverty.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

*Also pictured: Northern Lights Studs, also from India!*

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Take It Back Now, Ya’ll

So, this week, I am taking a step back to a pivotal moment I forgot to mention.

I appreciate your extension of grace to me over this last month as we had an unplanned trip Stateside (&, since unplanned, I forgot to bring my notebook/list of topics, hence the flip flop).

Quick Recap & Look Ahead

In case you’re new to my blog, over the last couple of months, I have been sharing about major pivotal moments in my life where God helped me do a 180 degree turn from my perspective to His.

I have been covering a bunch of relationship-related topics, so if that interests you, scroll on through the past several posts.

In a couple weeks, I will be continuing where I left off last week, by talking about “Trouble in Paradise”, where I will discuss how marriage is not all sunshine & rainbows (no matter how convinced you are that it will be when you’re in love) … & how God is the bridge Who covers the divide (no matter how convinced you are that your insufficient attempts prove no hope).

Next week’s topic is all about debt & trusting God against the grain.

Skipping Back To College Days

BUT, this week, I am skipping back about a year to share another major God-lesson I learned back in college.

To give you some back story, for perspective, I was pretty good in school & I took pride in that.

I may not have been “hot” or popular, in my opinion, but at least I could do pretty well in school.

I went back to college five years after high school, to finish a degree in Business Marketing at Liberty University. (Go LU!)

Pressure to Impress

Since I felt like being good in school was part of my identity & what gave me value, I felt pressure (& pride) to maintain my grades/educational success to prove my worth to others (& myself).

My Mom & Dad always believed I could do big things, but the pressure to impress was always nagging in the back of my mind.

My Capstone Course

And then came senior year, in 2010… with my capstone course at Liberty University.

I obviously felt like doing well in my capstone course was important, since it was supposed to be a culmination of everything I had learned so far. Plus, the professor held high standards & I wanted to live up to them.

But God had other plans for that class.

Studying Like a BOSS

You see, that course had very few graded assignments. It included maybe 2-3 exams & the final project. In other words, fail one thing & you could do very little to get back to good standing for the course—no pressure, right?

And so, I took studying VERY seriously for the exams in that class, more so than I had in my entire life. (Since school usually came easily to me, I could usually get away with not studying too hard while still maintaining good grades—(don’t hate me).

I SHOULD have been studying well in every class, regardless, but I took advantage of it coming easily to me. <– Good example of what NOT to do.)

When the first capstone course exam came near, I was more prepared than I imagined possible.

I had taken every online practice quiz (multiple times), basically reread every chapter, focused intently on all highlighted sections, reviewed my own notes, & did any other studying I thought might help. I lost MANY hours of sleep working to be fully prepared for this exam.

The Results Are In…

So, I aced it… NOT.

The results came in & I had received a 47%.

47%!!!

I imagine all color drained from my face as I reread my score so many times, trying to blink away the supposed nightmare I was having, only to realize I was fully awake already & that really was my score.

To say I broke down is an understatement.

Luckily, my roommates were in class when I read the results because I was DEVASTATED.

But… I Studied SO HARD…???

I dropped to my knees & cried for a good hour.

I replayed all of my hard work over & over again in my mind, contrasted with the TERRIBLE score I had just received as a reward for all of my hard work… HARDER WORK than I have EVER applied for an exam… EVER!

And a 47%.

“Who Are You Doing This For?”

I was crushed… & when the tears & questions started to numb, I began to pray & ask God what happened.

The answer came as a small whisper, like a gentle breeze across my mind, “Who are you doing this all for? Yourself? Your teachers? Your parents? Or Me?”

Ouch.

There it was… the epicenter of the drive behind all of my efforts.

God had called me out & had opened my eyes to my true motivation.

“Whatever You Do… As Working for the Lord”

I had heard the verses before, talking about, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” (Colossians 3:23-24) But I never really got it.

Like, sure, have integrity, don’t cheat, work hard, blah blah blah. We represent Him, so don’t be a jerk at work. (And yes, all of those things are still true.)

But then, in that moment, it clicked.

It meant more than that.

I Am Not the Boss

It also meant that I don’t get to judge how much work is “enough” based on the value I perceive it to have.

It meant that it wasn’t about getting prestige or recognition or respect (or even about getting a good job).

It meant that it was all about how it made HIM look, for HIS glory, not mine.

It meant I am to live for HIS purposes, not mine.

It meant that ten years down the road, what I perceive all of this to be about right now might be used completely differently than how I anticipated.

Again with “Doing What Seems Right in My Own Eyes”

I tend to think & make decisions based on my own understanding (doing what seems right in my own eyes—hey, remember last week’s topic?), but God sees the big picture & every ripple effect of every action for every moment.

For example, I might think straightforward with my own logic of, “I came to school to get my degree in [this field], to get [this type of job].” While God thinks more like, “I brought you here to meet [this person], have [this impact], learn [this lesson], grow in [this area], & influence [this person].”

God Sees How It All Fits

God sees the WHOLE picture.

God can see beyond the obvious & beyond our intentions.

God sees every piece in play & how every piece will impact every other piece in His greater plan.

So, when we work “as if unto the Lord,” it means more than having integrity. It means putting forth our best efforts, through relying on God’s wisdom, direction, clarity, strength, etc., while keeping in mind that it’s for His grander purposes that we don’t yet see or understand.

Our Responsibility Is to Trust in Him & Try Our Best

We don’t need to be THE best, we just need to show up & do OUR best with what is put in front of us, knowing that we DON’T know how it may be used by God in the future… because we’re working for His plan & purposes, not our own.

Don’t try to anticipate how God will use your efforts & thus cut out what you don’t think will matter.

Just show up, do your best, & do it with a heart of serving God’s purposes & plan… to honor Him & bring Him glory, no matter how those efforts may be used in the future.

Only God knows.

Shine HOPE by doing your best & working as if unto His purposes & plan, trusting Him to help you in the process, when you lean into Him with full weight.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Petal Necklace

This cubic zirconia floral pendant hangs from an antique golden chain and pairs perfectly with the Petal Stud Earrings.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

God Will Continue to Work

Well, we’re nearing the end of my pivotal moments series (for now). I know God will continue to shape me & continue to shake up my normal for His truth.

Trusting God AND Ourselves… Versus Just God

Today, we are following last week’s topic about trusting God through our struggles instead of coming up with our own solutions that, in turn, create new problems. (Like trusting in singleness & then panicking when God brings a relationship into your damaged heart life.)

It’s far too easy to try trusting God AND our own solution, versus JUST trusting GOD.

We tend to think the two are the same thing. Saying to ourselves & others, “I prayed (therefore, “trusting God”), but then I will do what I think will fix it versus waiting for His solution.”

So, it warrants a discussion about praying our way through fears, & trusting God, when we’re tempted to rely on our own strategy, “wisdom,” fears, etc.

(To read our Love Story, in short story form, check them out by clicking Part 1 & Part 2.)

But How?

But how does God answer our prayers? What does “trusting God only” even mean? How do we know what He wants when it’s different than what we want? How do you hear God’s answers? How do you even know His will if you can’t HEAR Him?

Those types of questions are so common & I have thought ALL of them. I still don’t have a comprehensive understanding of how God works & will probably always have something to learn when it comes to the answers to those questions.

But God oftentimes (pretty much exclusively) leads us with baby steps, versus dumping all of His infinite knowledge on us all at once.

Remember, He is an INFINITE God.

We, on the contrary, are FINITE.

But, baby steps.

So, when my now husband, Jamie, entered my life, I first panicked, then prayed.

Unbeknownst to Me

But unbeknownst to me, Jamie was already praying… & not about wanting a relationship with me.

He was ALSO praying to avoid another heartache.

But God kept nudging him… to me.

He kept avoiding… kept praying to stay single… but God would not let him ignore me.

It wasn’t a push to get married, just an undeniable push to befriend me.

This obviously clashed with my desire to avoid him at all costs, haha. Thanks, God.

And when I could no longer avoid him, upon him asking me on our first date, I finally had to stop running & start praying.

Praying My Desire Versus Praying to Trust God’s Plan

Now, let’s be clear that I HAD been praying the whole time… but not for God’s will, wisdom, & direction… but for me to stay single (what I thought I wanted aka what I thought would keep me safest from heartbreak).

And now, I had to make a clear decision & I had to ask God’s will & guidance & HELP. I had to be willing to trust God with both scenarios of relationship or singlehood, not just singlehood.

My Prayer

But then God whispered on my heart, “Do you remember what you have been praying these last few years?”

I did. It went something like, “God, help me to trust Your plan & not just the fears or perceptions I see in front of me. Help me to see that if I marry, you are wanting me to marry a man that will grow into the man I need, versus someone perfectly fit right now. Help me to see Your will above my own. Help me to not judge someone based on their NOW, versus Your potential within them. If I marry, Lord, help it be someone who is willing to let me down in order to follow YOUR LEAD. Because You know far better what’s best for me than I do. And, Lord, because I will no longer flirt or “help things along”, I will go on at least ONE date with a man willing to ask me out when I have shown zero interest… knowing how much courage that takes. Amen.”

Well, now a guy was asking me out & I had to put my faith to the test.

I had prayed those things more than I could count. And now was my opportunity to trust God’s answer & His willingness to lead me every step.

And He did.

(But I still freaked out & panicked & wanted to bail along the way, because fear is quite a motivator.)

Ask Anyway…

But for those of you who have those questions of how God could even help… & so avoid asking God for help in those moments, wondering what God could possibly do that you haven’t already tried yourself (sounds arrogant & completely ridiculous just writing it, doesn’t it?… but isn’t that what we sort of feel, if we’re completely honest with ourselves?)… I want to share my journey & what God did for me in the midst of my questions.

My pastor friend told me many times while dating my now husband, “God is not a God of confusion. If you want answers & you seek Him for those answers, He WILL answer you… you just need to wait on God’s timing for those answers & trust that HE is capable.”

Waiting on God for Every Step, Like a Daughter Dancing on Her Father’s Feet

And so, despite my inner rebel telling me to flee the scene & not risk another heartbreak, I kept praying & I took those baby steps, waiting on God’s timing & God’s answers instead of trusting my own fear & worry.

Here are some ways I prayed & ways that God answered me along the way:

(HINT: God is an infinite God. What He guides me through is not a cut & paste testimony, but rather an EXAMPLE of how personal God is with us, when we let Him. Don’t rely on how God led ME in lieu of letting Him lead YOU. What worked for me may not work for you. You have to take steps of trusting Him with your own situation. He will guide you!)

1. Praying Before We Even Met

As I mentioned before, it’s important to be praying beforehand so you are prepared to follow & listen to God when you DO meet. Pray for discernment, peace, wisdom, trust to follow God whether in singleness or marriage… & anything else that comes to mind or worries you.

But, if you’re already in a relationship, it’s never too late to start.

2. Pray, Willing to Give It Up If It’s Not God’s Guiding

Along the way, I prayed for God to guide me… for Him to kick me out of the dating relationship, with completely clear certainty, if it wasn’t His best for us. (I was sort of hoping He would kick me out of it so the risk of heartbreak would evaporate with it.)

I prayed not to cling, not to romanticize, not to make anything more than it was. I prayed for God’s perspective to overshadow my own. I prayed to be willing to allow His will to trump mine.

3. Praying for Perspective When You Meet

I knew I was a daydreamer, wrapped up in every new possibility….

And I felt God nudging my heart in a very specific way during the beginning of my time with Jamie, “Michelle, you fall head over heels immediately when a guy holds your hand & holds you in long, comforting hugs… & if you really want to stay objective to knowing My will, you know you need to avoid physical affection because that’s a personal weakness & trigger for you.”

And so, I set strict physical contact boundaries for our dating relationship. No hugs, no kisses, no holding hands, no arms around the shoulder… & no sex. And I stuck to it.

I wanted to know Jamie for who he was, not for how he made me feel. Feelings change. I wanted more than temporary, unreliable feelings.

4. Praying Over Character/Personality & Whether It Was a Good Match with How God Designed Me

Clashes happen a lot in marriage, even when you’re “a good fit for each other.”

God had shown me different character traits that were important to me along the way, such as being willing to displease me in order to obey God… Or someone who was a kind & gentle listener, seeking to understand & discuss, versus brush off… Someone who, even with flaws & weaknesses, sought to know & love God more… not to just be a “good enough person.”

I prayed often over very specific things, asking God to show me if Jamie at least had that potential &/or willingness to grow… WITHOUT me prompting it… (& that is an important distinction)! If he knew I felt I needed certain traits & he liked me, don’t you think he would do his best to be that for me? But no, I wanted to hear it from God, not Jamie… so I never once hinted at my hopes.

My prayers were silent, between me & God only.

And every prayer resulted in Jamie telling me something like this the next day or so, “I don’t know why, because this seems really random to talk about, but I feel like telling you this story about one time when [enter a story about said character trait that I had recently prayed about here] happened.”

Blew my mind every time, but God was constantly finding ways to reaffirm His guidance in our relationship, because I was diligently seeking His will first.

5. I Set Boundaries of Potential Relationship Timing & PRAYED

After pouring out my heart to Jamie, after our very first date, expressing all of my fears & concerns, I asked him to wait THREE months before even considering asking to make it an official relationship. Friends only–no relationship talk, no romance, nothing. Just friends–for three MONTHS.

And I prayed & asked God for His wisdom & guidance & timing & I didn’t even dare try to “help it along” … I just waited on God.

Coupling with my desire to be with a man willing to disappoint me in order to obey God’s leading, I asked God to have Jamie go against my three-month request in order to ONLY trust God, even at the risk of scaring me away for good. I asked for God to push Jamie to ask me before the end of three WEEKS’ time.

And I didn’t ONCE even HINT that I was praying that as a confirmation from God. Not once.

And guess what… On December 31^st, mere hours before the three week time frame was over, Jamie spoke up… “Michelle, I have been praying like you asked me to, for God’s will & timing versus my feelings & I got my answer a couple days ago, but have continued praying & continued waiting because you told me not to even bring it up until three months, but I can’t shake the feeling that I am supposed to tell you now. I have been battling it all day & praying it away because I am terrified of scaring you away, but I feel like God wants me to say it now, so I need to say it now. I feel like God wants me to ask you out today. Will you agree to an official relationship? Will you be my girlfriend?”

If you are imagining a cartoon where the person’s jaw literally hits the floor, you are imagining pretty closely to how I felt in that exact moment.

I prayed. I waited. God answered.

God Is Infinite… God Is Infinitely Creative… God ANSWERS

As I said before, God is infinite & infinitely creative. The way He works through my life is not the same as how He will choose to move, through prayer, in your own life.

This story is meant to prompt you to PRAY… to seek God alone… To trust that HE knows what He’s doing & He CAN & WILL guide you & give you wisdom as you seek Him.

Trust Him, always… It’s ALWAYS worth it.

And when you don’t feel like you even know how to begin trusting Him… Start there… Ask Him to help you know how to trust Him. He will, my friend. He will.

Shine HOPE, by praying through the fears & unknowns (which are often the same thing).

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Brave Necklace

With hand-rolled cereal box beads, Haitian clay beads, and paired with suede tan cording, this staple necklace is perfect for any wardrobe.

Artisan Information:

Haiti is home to almost 500,000 orphans. The majority of these orphans have not been orphaned by parental deaths, but by parents who gave them up simply because they could not afford to feed them. No mother should have to give up her child. Through your purchase, you provide parents with a sustainable income, so they can keep their children! Be a part of families stepping into bright futures together!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Haiti!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

A Love Story

On this journey of pivotal moments in my life, where God helped me do a one hundred eighty degree turn around from my personal wisdom to trusting His, I cannot neglect talking about finding my husband God’s way.

I wrote about our love story in a two-part short story, so if you like reading love stories, check those out, by clicking each of the two links for A Love Story & A Love Story-Part 2.

Answered Prayers

But today, I want to talk to you about how God answered many prayers of mine along the path of meeting the man I now call my husband.

I am like many who will read this, I prayed for a good husband—someone who would love me forever & be loyal & be an understanding listener—but I just sort of expected to make my own decision, know immediately, fall in love, & get married.

But God doesn’t always work like that. Our understanding is limited, His is limitless. Sometimes (it should be always), we have to hold on in faith through the journey.

Scared of the Unknown

After falling in love out of high school, & then having to break his heart & my own to walk away, I was quite wary of the idea of believing in love again.

I didn’t want to let myself fall, only to have my heart or his broken.

I didn’t want to trust in a happily ever after that never came.

I didn’t want to trust in love, only to have that love walk out the door.

I didn’t want to wake up someday, only to be dreaming of some other man as the, “if only I had waited, & then I could have married this dream boat.”

I didn’t want a husband who had that happen to him.

I didn’t want depression or injury to push him into the arms of another woman.

Wrestling Insecurities

I also had my internal wheel of insecurities to wrestle with, still:

“I am too fat & ugly to maintain a loyal, loving man.”

“I talk too much & once a guy sees that, he will be looking for an out.”

“I struggle with depression at times, & that makes me less desirable.”

And the list went on.

In other words, I was scared to let myself love anyone. The cost seemed too high & the risk too great.

I Do… But I Don’t…

So, when I prayed, after losing my first love, my prayers were more like “Lord, I really want to fall in love & get married, but at the same time, I really, really don’t.”

So, I rested from dating, still praying for God’s wisdom & guidance (& healing of my broken heart).

I also read “When God Writes Your Love Story,” by Eric & Leslie Ludy, a book my Mom had gifted me as a teenager, at which I had rolled my eyes & shoved on a shelf, to be ignored every day since. But now, it seemed like a beacon of hope.

His Way Now

I no longer wanted relationships based on how much flirting I could do or how perfect I could make myself seem—a perfect listener, ALWAYS there for ANYTHING, always charming & flirtatious & trying eternally to be simply perfect in every way.

I was tired of the charade.

I was tired of heartbreak.

I was tired of all the fears.

I was ready to try GOD’S WAY because MY WAY was certainly NOT WORKING.

And so, I prayed, A LOT… & I read that book, inspired to try God’s way now.

Baby Steps… No Flirting (or Hinting) Allowed

The journey of trusting God instead of me, when it came to relationships, began to take a step in the right direction when I made a male friend at college, a couple years later.

You see, we started out as friends, but as it seems typical with friends of the opposite sex, one of us developed feelings for the other (hint, it was me).

But I wanted God’s way. I wanted to look back in marriage & KNOW that I didn’t manipulate the results & thus worry whether if I failed to keep up the charade, he would lose interest & leave me. I wanted God’s way instead.

So, I prayed instead of flirting.

Clinging to Prayer Versus Manipulation of Results

I stepped away from trying to impress a guy enough or be likeable or flirtatious enough to get noticed, & I started praying instead.

I asked God that if it was His will to be with this guy, that the guy would make the first move instead of me.

I didn’t flirt.

I didn’t hint at anything.

I didn’t talk about it in such a way that he might THINK I was interested, without actually SAYING I’m interested, so that he would be nudged to think it was possible if he would just get the guts to ask me already! (We girls NEVER do that, right? Cough cough.)

No, I kept it as friends & never assumed it would ever change & I never implied to him that I wanted anything different, EVER.

And when I wanted DESPERATELY to help things along, I cried out of frustration & just prayed, A LOT for the discipline to keep my big mouth SHUT.

And I prayed for God’s will over my own. (I also prayed to remember that God’s will was better than my own & to trust that when I wanted to cave & run into my friend’s arms for a Michelle Written Love Story!)

Nothing… & Still I Trusted in God Over Myself… For Once in Relationships

And guess what… the friend NEVER ONCE made a move… & I managed (through God’s power alone), to keep my big mouth shut.

And we stayed friends… & he since got married… & I adore his now wife.

I am SO GRATEFUL that we both clung to God instead of each other, because we can stay friends with no awkward past!

God ALWAYS knows best, even when we are absolutely convinced that we do!

But that also left me single.

Meeting an Encourager

So, I kept praying & I had the chance to meet with my Aunt, who had lost her love many years ago & who had run into the arms of Jesus as a result of her deep hurt.

She encouraged me so much, just seeing the peace & assurance that flowed through her words & her life. She had such inner strength, that you could tell flowed from her deep trust in God over herself or her circumstances.

She traveled the world, as a summer missionary to several locations, from which she would rotate each summer.

She inspired me. She showed me what I life of single-hood could offer—a life so in love & so in touch with God’s guidance, peace, strength, & wisdom that seemed to flow through every aspect of her personality & life & encouraged everyone around her.

A Holy Distraction

I decided then that a speaker I had heard at Liberty University was right, “Marriage is a holy distraction. Yes, it is a blessing ordained by God, but He also says that if we can manage it, a life devoted to God is so much more fulfilling. With a family, you are distracted often from deepening your own knowledge of & relationship with God because you are hopefully dedicated to encouraging those things in your family & expending your energy & focus on them instead of God quite frequently. Not bad, but still, “a holy distraction.””

I no longer rolled my eyes at or recoiled at the idea of singlehood.

I actually wanted it!

So, then came the next step in trusting God with relationships—giving up that idea of singleness… but that will have to wait for next week.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Change Earrings

Silver hammered hoops feature coral and turquoise-toned beads wrapped in a fun color-blocked pattern. Crafted in Pakistan.

Artisan Information:

In this area of Pakistan, women are often sold as bond slaves due to family debt. Education & work opportunities are limited for women in this country, as their lives are oppressed because of their gender. Through your purchase, these women are being freed from bondage. They can now make a self-reliant income, while also receiving reading & writing classes. You can bring hope to women in Pakistan!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Pakistan!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Hold Up

I was reminded, upon completing last week’s post about “Falling in Love, Heartbreak, & Learning to Trust God’s Plan,” that I neglected to mention a special pivotal moment of discovering who God made me to be, despite who I thought I was already.

Shaping Our Identity

Growing up, we all sort of grow to believe who we think we are, based on what our parents or others say about us or based upon stereotypes that the world presents to us.

We form our idea of “self” based on so many different internal & external factors: our desires, our fears, our insecurities, our successes, our failures, our wants & the way others view us or talk about us (among many other things).

We also create habits of self-protection to either save face or prevent a future hurt.

Insecure & Unsatisfied

For me, I grew up severely insecure about my appearance—so much so that I would shower with a t-shirt on & was afraid to see my face in the mirror because I was too afraid to look at myself.

I saw myself as unlovable & disgusting.

But, in my late teens/early twenties, I was determined not to stay stuck in a place of self-loathing because, like so many of us, I just desperately wanted to feel like I was worthy to be loved by someone.

I Had a Plan… A Plan That Backfired

So, instead of praying about it, I created a self-protection technique to help me get attention (which I thought was basically proof that I could be wanted & therefore, loved.

Besides deciding to shower in a t-shirt & avoid mirrors, I also self-protected by deciding to dress in a way that drew attention to my “assets” by wearing low-cut shirts & short shorts.

I thought attention to my body was the same as attention to me. (I was wrong.)

And, to top it off, I grew accustomed to speaking in such a way that way that each sentence was dripping with innuendos & flirtatious banter.

I taught myself how to make anything into a dirty joke because it proved effective in getting that attention I craved.

When I admitted to being a virgin at the time, people actually laughed heartily because I was so convincing to the contrary. I was proud of that (but a little hurt).

Getting Attention… But Something Felt Off

Perfecting the role I had assumed, I made more friends & got loads more attention.

I thought it was great. I enjoyed the power trip & the confidence that came with it.

But something just felt off.

The attention I was getting made me feel objectified more than loved or cared for. It made me feel icky.

Maintaining the Façade

I felt like I had to maintain this persona in order to feel worth anyone’s time or attention, but sometimes I just didn’t feel like I was being authentic… Like I was keeping up an act in order to stay appealing.

I guess that’s why my heart cries out toward actors & singers & other celebrities. Maintaining an air of perfect “I get along with EVERYbody ALL the time,” is just hard & quite frankly unattainable.

Everyone deserves an opportunity to just wear a messy bun, sweatpants, talk about things that aren’t as “appealing” to others, & just be real. No one is perfect. No one.

But I tried to be. I got pretty good at reading people & would adjust my personality or talk to make myself more appealing. I wanted to be liked & loved.

But like I said, it wore on me. I felt tired of keeping up this image.

I wanted to just slice through the fake efforts, just be myself & have that be enough for someone.

Who Am I If Not This?

But the biggest problem was, I didn’t know who I actually was without this personality I had invented.

I didn’t know how many friends I would have left if I didn’t keep up this image… this act.

I didn’t want to risk losing everyone… my circle… my net… my support.

I didn’t want to be alone.

I didn’t want to be unwanted.

So, I kept it up & dug in deeper to this image of confidence I portrayed to the world.

Unwanted Wanting

Guy friends ended up taking more “liberties” with me than I felt comfortable, but I was too worried about seeming insecure, about breaking the mirage I tried so hard to maintain.

And by the time it broke my heart enough (& with the supportive help of a good friend coaching me through it (Thank You, JD!), when I finally started standing up for myself… they got aggressive about it.

I was sexually assaulted by several friends, several times.

I was starting to realize that I no longer wanted so much attention.

I started to hate my persona.

I started to hate who I had become. Who I thought I was.

I felt so afraid because I didn’t know if that really was me, & if it wasn’t, I didn’t know who I was. I was afraid to lose everyone.

Finally… I Prayed

I was afraid that if I let the façade slip… if I faced depression again… if I didn’t try hard to be so loyal & friendly & a great listener & flirtatious & on & on & on, then any guy I dated would just walk away.

But I couldn’t keep the mask on forever.

So, I started to finally pray.

“God, I don’t know who I am. I don’t feel like I have any value. I feel unlovable. I don’t feel like I am special or desirable. I am afraid of being alone & unloved. I am afraid of being so ugly & not feeling like I have anything else to make anyone think twice about me. I don’t know who I am outside of this. This feels like me. It comes so naturally to me… but something about it hurts… Like I have to ALWAYS be this way in order to keep anyone around. God, I feel like this is me, but I guess You made me, so I guess if anyone knows who I am meant to be, it’s You. Show me YOUR potential for me. Show me YOUR design. Show me who YOU created me to be. And help me to trust You if I lose everything in the process. Please help me!!”

It was a scary & difficult prayer to pray, but I prayed it so many times I lost count.

I Wanted God’s Way… I Didn’t Want to Feel Used & Fake Anymore

I was desperate to feel like there was more to me than this fake girl who always had to make everyone happy 100% of the time & drew in people who took advantage of me just to feel like I had some worth.

God had to know. And I needed to know.

I needed to find me… His way… His plan… His design.

And guess what, Beautiful, He began to show me.

God Makes All Things New

Slowly, gradually, the fake flirtatious persona began to fade away as opportunities for dirty jokes would come up & just seem to be unappealing… I would just feel disgusted, like, “No, I am worth more than that. I don’t have to make people think about sex in order to be valued.”

It was a hard road & I ended up stepping away from several friendship circles, but I suddenly didn’t care so much.

I felt confident & free. I felt like I was finally myself (& I was finally okay with that!)

Who Do You Let Define YOU?

You see, it’s easy to let the world define us.

It’s easy to let our past define us.

It’s easy to let our inner cut-downs define us.

But we need to learn to let GOD define us.

God created you, Beautiful… & He doesn’t make mistakes.

God MADE You

Maybe you don’t measure up to what your parents, siblings, family, friends, or to what the world thinks you should be: prettier, smarter, thinner, more fashionable, more fit, more creative, less creative, blonder, darker, lighter, taller, shorter, curlier hair, straighter hair, etc….

But GOD MADE YOU.

We try to fashion ourselves into the niche we feel we belong based on the facts we believe about ourselves or what we believe others want from us…

But GOD MADE YOU.

Lean into Him. Ask Him. Ask Him to show you His design for you.

And don’t be satisfied to stop praying until you see Him begin to shape you & change you from the inside out… an inner confidence based on His design & your worth based on His love & care for you.

GOD MADE YOU.

Take Your Presuppositions & Pray About Them

And I can tell you from personal experience, that if you take your presuppositions & assumptions about who you think you are or who you think you have to be or are supposed to be… & you take that to Him in prayer, to trade it for HIS DESIGN instead… You will NOT be disappointed.

In fact, you will finally feel like YOU.

Imagine that!

Trust Him always, Darling. He loves you infinitely & He doesn’t make mistakes, no matter what anyone says about you (or no matter what you say to yourself—stop that inner self-hate dialogue!)

Trust Him. Always. Trust His DESIGN.

Shine Hope by being your beautiful, God-designed SELF!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Chelsie Necklace

This curved bar necklace features gold & rose gold tones. Hanging from a gold colored chain, this piece was named after one of our co-founders because of her golden & modern style, along with her passion for using sustainable business to end poverty.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!