A Quick Recap

Today, we come to yet another pivotal moment in my life…

So far, I have shared with you:

• Simplicity of grace in how I came to know Jesus
• My long-time battle of doubts & my eventual decision to not only pray, but to try to find happiness on my own terms
• My experience through depression & how God used that dark time in my life to solidify a foundation of TRUTH to rest in.

And now, I wish to share with you a multi-week story of what happened after I discovered that solid, reliable truth.

I Think I Know Best… But I Don’t

After God showed up in a big way, through my depression, & after He woke me up to the fact that HE was the source of truth I had been searching for for so long, was I always faithful to God? No.

I often gave (give) into human nature & I relied on what I personally thought was best, before even stopping to consider that God would know better & that I could always ask Him for wisdom. (I still struggle with this!)

It’s the human nature way of doing things when we just go through life either “winging” it or thinking we’ve got the answer & we’re ready to go… or flailing through life, wondering what in the world to do.

We (or at least I) tend to think, “I’ve got this!” or, “I SHOULD be able to do this!”

God Is Willing, But Will I Ask?

But God is right there with us, offering His wisdom, guidance, comfort, & help… so why is it so hard to ask Him versus auto-pilot mode?

This will be a forever-growing type of learning because it goes against our desire to feel in control & self-sufficient.

But, I digress….

As I currently struggle with this, I struggled with it then, too.

Turning to Music Instead of God

And a big area of struggle for me was turning to music instead of Someone who could actually help me-God.

I don’t mean that I was listening to crude, explicit music… nor that anything other than “Christian” music is even bad.

But what I mean is this—when life got hard & teen angst was winning over in my flurry of teenage hormones & emotions, my first instinct was definitely not prayer.

Validate Me!

I wanted to feel validated for what I wanted to feel about what I was feeling.

(Ain’t it fun to be a teenager? Haha. But really, I still do this.)

Oh, sometimes I thought about praying, though… but then I felt this sort of rebellion flare up inside of me, like, “No, I’m fine! I just want to listen to these sad love songs or sad ‘how dare they hurt me’ music & then I’ll be better!”

I was turning to music as my source of peace, only finding myself brooding or feeling worse because of how unfair the world felt.

The Music Always Had My Back…

I felt justified in my anger or hurt or bad attitude toward someone or some circumstance & the music was always there to back me up with lyrics like, “how dare they…” or “they’ll think twice before they…” or “I’m so sad & it’s all their fault….”

Angst galore.

And I didn’t pray for clarity or God’s peace or wisdom on how to handle it.

I just wallowed & sang along to the sad, sad tune.

But I Have a RIGHT to be Upset!

I think I liked the feeling of being justified in how upset or hurt I felt, without realizing that dwelling on those thoughts so deeply only left me feeling more hurt.

I enjoyed the drama, but I hated the hurt.

Next Time, Though…

And every time that I noticed this being the trend of results I was getting, I thought to myself, “why didn’t I just pray & ask God to comfort me & give me peace & strength & wisdom? It ALWAYS helps! You know what? No more turning to those sad songs to justify my hurt. NEXT TIME, I am definitely going to pray instead because all that hurt sucks!”

But next time…? Yep, you guessed it… I didn’t pray.

I wallowed & slunk dejectedly toward my music player, popped on my headphones, slid under the covers, & brooded the night away in tears.

It was a pathetic, sad cycle that always left me worse off.

Friendships That Encourage Us to Lean into God

But then, I had a certain friend. I’ll call her R. She encouraged me to seek God more.

We used to go in book stores, sit cross-legged on the floor, in the Christian books section, grab random books off the shelf & talk about life in our little tucked away corner.

I’m not sure how it started, but we decided to read through “Authentic Beauty”, by Leslie Ludy. (If you click the title, it will take you to view it on Amazon.com.)

My friend & I would talk about this book sometimes over the phone or on our get-togethers on the floor of the bookstore.

That book changed my world!

Hidden Gaps & Traps

The author, Leslie, talked about how we all cling to the things that we think will make us happy, but find ourselves trapped by them (um, me!) & how there are so many things that are either subconscious beliefs or tucked away secrets that keep us from going “all in” with our faith in God.

Those hidden or noticeable things entice us to hold back parts of ourselves from God, as if He doesn’t already know & see them.

Learning to Purge

In the book, Leslie also talks about doing a purge of both physical items & mental strongholds that we cling to, whether it be memories, shame, fears, doubts, etc.

Old love letters you keep tucked away for a day you feel low? Gone. (It only reminds you of what you don’t have & ends up hurting even worse.)

Pictures, mementos, or other things from old relationships that you hold on to as a sort of contingency plan when you don’t like yourself? Trash. (Clinging to anything but God is never going to satisfy us… It just makes the gaping holes more obvious!)

And my music collection. All of it. Everything. Out. (No more clinging to something that only hurt me worse. No more clinging to false anchors that leave me washed up on shore, in despair.)

Mrs. Ludy also included an online prompt guide that you could print out, to help you address thoughts that are clouding your heart & mind & keeping you trapped in the past. (I believe it is still available… check out her website on my website Resources & Recommendations tab!)

Let’s Get It Started!

Well, my friend R & I decided it was time to get together at a park, start a fire in the fire pit & take time to apologize to God for trusting these things over Him & then asking Him to help us cling to Him through life instead. It was time to purge.

And so, we took turns burning things we had held so tightly to that were just keeping us back in the empty hole of pain.

Be Gone!

I destroyed several hundred dollars’ worth of CDs.

Gone to ash.

“Why?!” you might ask… “Why didn’t you just give them away or sell them or throw them in the trash?!! That is so much wasted money!!!”

Yes, all of those thoughts screamed in my head as well.

But I didn’t want to cling to something that kept causing me more pain. I wanted out from under its hold on me. I wanted to trust God to be sufficient in His comfort, strength, & wisdom, versus a sad song to affirm my pain in the moment, but also offer no help or solution.

And if I gave it away, I would probably beg for it back… If I sold them, I felt like I was doing it for profit… & if I threw it away, I would cave & go get them out.

And I knew that the money used to buy those CDs was made possible by God’s blessing & that I would rather have Him than a CD collection.

It Was My Shackles

Call me fanatical if you’d like, but I will tell you right now that my heart KNEW I was imprisoned by that collection. I felt like I NEEDED it to survive any hurt I faced.

It was a lie. And I clung to it with white knuckles.

It wasn’t the CD collection that was wrong… It was the control it had over me.

I didn’t burn everything non-Christian related that I owned. I specifically burned that CD collection because I recognized how much power it had over me & I was no longer satisfied letting that remain the case.

God Knew What I Needed Was Really HIM

I will tell you right now that God helping me recognize that clinging to my CD collection for hope & validation was the source of so much of my heartache… & then having the faith & courage to demolish that source of control over me so I could trust the loving source of God in my life… It was the most freeing thing I have done.

I felt free. SO FREE.

Like, “Bye, Felicia! Buh-BYE! See ya never!”

It felt great!

Finding the Balance, Removing the Control

And do I have non-Christian CDs now? Yes. (I, for one, love Disney music, so… no judgement please, haha.)

But I didn’t have any new CDs (other than worship/praise to God music) for several years after that, until it no longer was my go-to.

Not the Music… The Control

Did I judge anyone else for having other music? NO! Because I knew it wasn’t the music that was bad (singing about love or happy blessings in our life is not sinful), it was the control the music had OVER me.

And I made sure that every time I hurt after that, when I felt that rebellion flare up that “I don’t need God! I’m fine!” I would then stop… breathe… close my eyes… & ask God to help me change my heart & my snooty, rebellious, temper tantrum attitude.

Then I asked Him to give me real peace & hope & comfort through Him, in my hurt, in its place.

It was 100% more effective.

Every time.

Reflect & See What Is Controlling You… & Give It Over to God & Find Freedom through Trusting God Instead!

So, what’s the moral of the story, you ask? Don’t buy music? Burn everything you own? No.

The point is to take time for reflection & ask God what is holding you back from trusting Him more.

Ask Him to show you what you’re hiding & for Him to be the gentle guide to help you eradicate it from your heart so it doesn’t keep controlling you.

Ask Him to give you courage to trust Him through the process.

Maybe go to Leslie Ludy’s site & go through the prompt guide yourself.

And ask God to comfort you through the healing.

He is walking alongside you, waiting for you to ask.

It’s not all up to you to fix everything broken or to heal everything hurting.

He is able. He is willing.

Ask Him for help. It’s so, SO worth it, Beautiful One!

Coming Next Week

This Week is time for our monthly Special Feature post! So check back on Thursday to see what it is!

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Inverted Capiz Earrings

These earrings feature shimmery, creamy white capiz shells, each framed by a black edge.

Artisan Information:

In the Philippines, finding employment as a woman in poverty can be extremely difficult. Poor working conditions, lack of job security, & unfair pay are often the realities. Through your purchases, these women are receiving an income, health care, & social development programs. This allows these women to realize their potential & pursue their dreams in a safe environment. You have the opportunity to change lives!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in the Philippines!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Getting Real

Being “Authentic” is a tricky topic for most people, including myself. I think it’s tricky because oftentimes, we aren’t completely sure what is the “real” us.

This may not seem to make sense, because it sounds so ridiculous, but the fact is that none of us really know who our authentic selves are—not completely or accurately anyway.

That sounds pretty crazy, but hopefully after we take some time to discuss it further, it will begin to make more sense.

We Should Know, Right?

In all logic, it seems that of all the people who should really know who we are on the inside,  it would be us, right?

But how well do we really know ourselves?

Let me explain.

We all have our perception of reality. This is sometimes labeled as “our truth” because it’s how we personally see the world around us & also how we see ourselves.

But is it always accurate?

Probably not so much.

Here’s why….

For starters, we were all shaped as children, by our surroundings. This could include, but is not limited to, childhood trauma, for example. But it can also be something as simple as the ideologies of our parents & how we were raised, as a result.

We Are Shaped By What We Know

Something so awful can happen to us, or even a subtle wrong… And it can often become etched into our minds as truth, even if it isn’t!

A common example of this would be seeing a parent abandon the family, thus “realizing” that marriages don’t really work… creating a fear of intimacy or long-term commitment.

Another example is hearing how your parent describes someone of a different nationality, upbringing, or even judging based on outside appearances such as weight.

We will often grow up with a prejudice built into our brains, as a result of this upbringing, that we are not even fully aware of as wrong or incorrect.

Image issues, insecurities, commitment or other phobias, etc. can be etched into our subconscious so deeply that we may not even see them as anything other than “just the way things are,” because they are “our truth.”

Our idea of truth can be completely wrong, but feel so completely right because it is all we have ever known.

Family Histories Often Seem Like FACT

Also, considering how we grew up or even our family histories, it can be ingrained in us even further that that is just the way life is, & that there is little we can do to change things.

Because it has been approved or acted upon for years, or decades even, it seems to us as factual.

So who are we really? How can we truly be authentic if we don’t have a clear picture as to who we really are?

Perception Doesn’t Always Equal Truth

The other thing to consider is perception.

Perception is a tricky thing because it is just how it sounds—it is OUR perception. It is simply how we perceive things to be, even if they are not actually that way,

We may even have something happen to us or around us, & we might perceive it as a specific turn of events or as a memory etched in our minds, when really, we misinterpreted the situation completely, whether for the better, or for the worse.

For example, seeing a grumpy look on someone’s face & assuming they dislike something about you, when really, someone may have just done something awful to THEM & they were struggling at hiding their physical facial reaction, which just happened to be aimed in your direction.

I could list TONS of other examples, but I think we can agree that this sort of thing has probably happened to us & we have probably inadvertently caused this same situation to happen to some other bystander.

Perception is a powerful influencer, but it is not always based on reality.

So Much Out There

There are so many outside factors that shape what we believe about who we are, even if many of them are lies.

So, considering these factors, how are we supposed to know who we really are?

Do you ever feel like you are living life, the best you know how, but something just never seems to fit? Like you don’t WANT to be “like that” or do “that” or live “that way”? But it just seems like it’s “just the way things are?”

Or maybe it seems like that is “just who YOU are” & you can’t change it?

I have struggled against that angst many times growing up.

But I oftentimes convince myself to just accept it & to flourish despite it (instead of changing my idea of who I really am based on actual facts or truth).

What the Heart Wants

We want to be “real” or “true to ourselves” but we often don’t REALLY know what that even looks like!

How confusing.

On top of those considerations, we sometimes want or long for things that are not actually what we want in the long run.

We can be so convinced that we have found what our heart so longs for, & then be completely wrong about it. (Keep reading… Hope is coming through all of this!)

Take my experience with my first serious relationship. I was so convinced that he was the absolute best man for me & I was ready to accept a ring & start a life of endless bliss with him.

I wanted it more than anything I had ever wanted!

I was sure of my decision–More sure than anything I had ever known.

But when I prayed about it, something just felt off. I never received peace, even though I was so sure that I wanted to be with this man forever & ever.

Obeying When We Don’t Understand

I obeyed that nudging from God through my lack of peace & I trusted God enough to let go, breaking my heart as well as his. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. But I don’t regret it, because I knew God was behind it & I trusted Him more than myself.

But then I met my husband, a decade or so later, & I realized that God had a better plan for me than I had had for myself. My husband didn’t seem like my “dreamboat” from first glance, the way the other man had, but the longer we are married (six years now), the more he seems tailored to fit my weaknesses & insecurities & past & future better than I imagined possible.

Long story short, I am so glad that I trusted God above my own fierce desires & temptations to believe that my heart knew better than God a decade earlier.

The Bible even speaks to this, “The heart is deceitful above all things… Who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)

“Be True to Self”

How can I trust myself to be “true to myself” when that understanding of myself is so often incorrect or incomplete?

And again (& in so many other verses as well), the Bible speaks to this: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

You see, because we don’t fully understand ourselves the way God does, we can’t really understand what will help or benefit us in the long run… We only have a marred & blurry glimpse into what we think we want or need right now, in this moment.

But God sees the full picture. He knows you inside & out. He sees your comings & goings, when you sit & when you rise (Psalm 139:2). He numbers every hair on your head (Luke 12:7). He knit you together in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). He sees all things & knows all things. Your past, present, & future are laid out before Him.

He Knows Us

He can be trusted to know us better than we know ourselves.

And here comes another doozy… We all want to be liked & accepted for “who we are,” even though we ourselves often do not know who that is.

We shape so many behaviors in this quest to find true love & acceptance for who we are. Sometimes we highlight what we believe to be better about ourselves & sometimes we hide away what we believe others can’t love.

We want so badly for someone to “get us”, the “real” us, but oftentimes, we are left wanting more, because we may not fully understand what will satisfy that longing fully & completely.

But here’s the thing… We will never be fully satisfied on this “hamster wheel” of trying to be “authentic” & “liked.”

We were meant to find our satisfaction & identity & worth in Jesus Christ.

God Wants You to Know Yourself Through HIS Design!

God made you for a relationship with Himself.

God MADE you. He KNOWS you.

So take the time to ask Him about HIS design for you. Be willing to toss out all presuppositions, perceptions, passions, or longings to ask Him what you were designed for & to show you what will actually satisfy you the way you are so desperately searching.

Ask Him.

I went through the same process & I was amazed, awed, & so glad I did!

I have a long way to go & many areas that I excuse or hide about myself because I think it’s just a part of me, but God knows better & I refuse to leave it at my own perception or even my own ability to change.

He is bigger & wiser & stronger & more powerful & more loving & more ABLE than we will ever comprehend.

So, ask Him!

Ask Him & Don’t Stop Asking Him

Refuse to accept the prison chains that hold you back or hold you down.

Ask Him to let His Truth set you free—for Good! (John 8:31-32)

Don’t settle for a façade. Don’t settle for anything less than the beautiful design that God intended for you, Lovely. Ask Him.

Coming Next Week

Join me next week for more encouragement on michellehydeonline.com! See you then!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Stardust Studs

These sterling silver stud earrings hold a white opaque moonstone.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Through these artisan groups, these women in India have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education and healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in India!

(*Also pictured: Sea Glass Necklace from Jordan)

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE, Lovely!