Let’s Shine Some Light in the Dark

Hello there, Beautiful.

Let’s take an opportunity to see things in new light. Let’s shine hope into a desperate situation. Let’s walk away from this with a new sense of hope for each new day, together.

Maybe…

If you are like me, maybe you feel a child-shaped hole in your heart.

Maybe you have spent countless hours with tears streaming your face, wondering why you can’t seem to have this child that your heart aches for so longingly.

Maybe you feel hurt by God, that maybe He is punishing you for your past or that maybe He just doesn’t trust you with a child.

Maybe you tell yourself you don’t need kids, just so that the bitter sadness doesn’t keep you from living each day. Maybe some days you realize this thing you tell yourself is a lie, & you cry.

Maybe you beg & plead & wonder if God can hear you.

Maybe you feel forgotten.

Maybe you feel as if your prayers go ignored or denied.

Maybe you wonder if God cares about this child-shaped hole in your heart.

Maybe.

If you are anything like me, a combination of all of those thoughts have drifted into or settled into your heart & mind.

This Doesn’t Feel Perfect

Maybe, like me, you have even felt guilt for being mad at God, for feeling like maybe He doesn’t care about your hurting heart. Maybe you feel guilt at your distrust in His plan.

You know He is perfect. You know His will is perfect. You know He is Good & He is Love.

And yet, this doesn’t feel perfect. This doesn’t feel good or loving at all.

And maybe that realization hurts your heart a little more than you’re willing to admit out loud.

Hope in the Darkness

But, Dear one, there is hope in the midst of this darkness. I promise you that.

I have been on a five-year journey of these emotions & thoughts plaguing the back of my mind. I have had five years of denial that my bitterness has grown in this hole in my heart, in place of trust in God’s perfect will, plan, Goodness, & love.

I don’t know if I am barren. I am told that everything looks good & we are cleared by the doctors for having a baby, & yet five years of attempts have left us childless.

I have had tests & ultrasounds & taken supplements to help… & yet nothing.

I have obsessed over temperature charting & ovulation testing… & yet nothing.

I have cried & begged God to answer my heart’s cry… & yet nothing.

For God’s Glory

I even wanted a child for the main purpose of raising them to be a light of God’s hope into this world… wanting to glorify God & train the child(ren) how to live a life that honors & glorifies Him so that hope will continue flowing into the next generation, long after I am gone… & yet nothing.

I have felt betrayed by a seeming lack of God’s love & favor. Watching my friends pop kids out continually while I am left… the barren woman.

I am able to push aside my hurt most often to celebrate the new lives being born into the homes of my family & friends, but the ache still lingers.

God Shines Light into the Darkness

But here is the hope, Beautiful one.

In reading through the current Bible study I am attending weekly (& working through the corresponding homework each day for the study), I came across something I had never seen before.

The study is Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free.”

The Dreams of Little Girls

In this particular study book, Beth Moore has a whole week dedicated to the dreams of little girls: to get married, be beautiful, have children (or, be fruitful), & to live happily ever after.

That pretty much nails it on the head for all of my girlhood dreams.

But here was her point… each of us have these childhood dreams that we long(ed) for, but that God can satisfy infinitely more than this world can.

Just a Shadow

It is a shadow of the deeper longing of our hearts. It is a hint of what God already promises us.

To get married–we want to feel loved & special & wanted… God fulfills this by loving & cherishing us more than we can ever comprehend. If you don’t believe me, He tells us it’s true & He will show you… Just have faith enough to ask Him to.

To feel beautiful—He thinks we are gorgeous because He created us! And when our time comes, as believers in Christ, to go to heaven, He sees us as His beautiful bride! (also satisfying our marriage desire).

To live happily ever after—(I am purposely skipping to have children (be fruitful) until the end)—but to live happily ever after points to the fact that this earthly existence is merely our temporary home. Sin has marred this world, but heaven will be amazing & beyond imagination! No tears! No sadness! Only joy & love & peace. A TRUE happily ever after!

To Have Children (Or, Be Fruitful)

And back to our childhood dream to have children (or, to be fruitful).

And this really struck me with God’s amazing provision & plan. It showed me His will & Goodness really is perfect. And His love is lacking NOTHING. Praise God!

In Beth’s section about dreaming to have children, Beth spoke to my soul by spending a majority of the lesson addressing barrenness.

There is Hope

Beth didn’t shy away from the hurt that comes with barrenness, but she did point to Scripture & the amazing reality that God has not forgotten us in our temporary (or permanent) inability to have children.

Beth started by having us read about Elizabeth. The Bible called Elizabeth a righteous woman, followed immediately with the fact that “& she was barren.” (Check it out in Luke 1:5-7.)

Then, Mrs. Moore paralleled the Old & New Testaments’ discussion on being fruitful. In the Old Testament, fruitfulness referred to making lots of babies, while in the New Testament, it often referred to being fruitful as spreading your faith in order to lead others to become new Christ-believers!

You see, while God mentions many times how children are a blessing from God & how they are gifts… & while God often talks about leading your children to follow & trust Him… He ALSO spends a significant time talking about sharing the hope of Christ!

Even More!

AND… in Isaiah 54 (you really should stop & go read that right this moment), God says that a barren woman is able to have more children than a married woman. WHAT?

You see, when those who are blessed with children are raising those children, life is a little crazy (in a good way, even if sometimes so difficult), & most of a mom’s time & energy is spent pouring into those little children to raise them to be Christ followers.

But those of us who have no children have a beautiful opportunity.

You see, we can have more “children” than a married woman because while they are raising theirs, we can pour into those women who in turn pour into their own children!

And we can pour into other barren women who in turn can pour into the lives of others!

How great of an opportunity we have to pour hope into all surrounding women & children!

Talk about fruitful!!!

God Forgives! God Never Forsakes Us! God is Good! God is LOVE!

You see, God forgave me for my past when I repented & turned to Him. He forgave me IN FULL. He is not punishing me!

God does not forsake us… He has not forgotten me!

God is GOOD. He knows my heart to raise a child to honor & glorify Him long after I am gone & He is giving me opportunity to do that in an even greater way!

God is LOVE. He knows my heart cry & my longing… & He is giving me a way!!

Lovely, consider these things with me. How wonderful & loving & Good our God is!

He Loves You

He loves you.

He loves YOU.

He. Loves. You.

HE LOVES YOU!!!

Let that sink in for a moment. Read those last few lines again.

Close your eyes with me for a moment. Take a deep breath in… & then out. And let that Truth sink into the crevices of your pained heart.

Let His love wash over you & pour into those deep crevices of pain.

Let His goodness & mercy shine into the dark corners of your heart.

He’s Got a Plan… And It’s a GOOD One!

TRUST God.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

We may not know His timing. We may not see the fruit. But we can trust that He has a good plan with a good outcome. We can trust His love & we can trust His grace & goodness.

For His Love Endures Forever. Amen.

In whatever place you find yourself right now, Lovely, shine Hope. Always shine hope.

Grace & peace be to you from Christ Jesus, our LORD.

Amen.

Coming Next Week

Two blog posts are coming next week!

Monday will be our next regularly scheduled post of encouragement for your week & Thursday will be our Special Feature for this month!

Make sure to check back with me & hopefully I can pour some encouragement into your beautiful self.

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Avalon Earrings

Empowering Women Out of Poverty in India!

Made with brass & then silver-plated, these statement earrings are a nod to our Indian artisans’ culture.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in India!

(*Other accessories are from previous catalogs & are no longer available)

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

(To read or re-read Part 1 of this story before continuing on, please check it out, here.)

…

She stared wide-eyed at her computer screen long after he signed off, her jaw dropped & her face flushed with shock.

What just happened…?

***********************

The next day was dawning & the remembrance of her looming plans rushed back into her mind as she groggily awoke from a restless night of sleep.

Maybe if she didn’t tell anyone about the date, she could just go out, come back afterwards, & then just move on with her life.

She had already decided that she wasn’t going to do anything differently with this boy. She was going to be herself & nothing more. If she didn’t find him funny, she would not giggle politely to humor him. If he says anything she didn’t agree with, she would let him know flat out. No pretending. No faking. If he didn’t like her as is, then he could move on all the sooner & so could she.

The impending doom… er, date… was coming up & she was spending her day trying to put it from her mind. She was well aware of the fact that she hadn’t given him her phone number & that if he got lost & wanted to call for better directions, oh well.

She also knew how mean that sounded. It’s not that she wanted to be mean to this guy… she just really didn’t want to end up crushing his heart like she seemed to already have been so good at doing with other guys. She wanted to spare herself the drama & the pain that seemed to inevitably accompany her dating efforts.

Better to end it now, rather than draw it out, establish feelings, & then rip out both of their hearts. It was actually the merciful thing, although seemingly harsh in the moment.

As the day went on, she eventually started preparing for her date. She wanted to dress confidently, to hopefully feel the confidence she aimed to project. Her nerves seemed to be bouncing off every wall she passed throughout the day & although her face showed calm composure, she couldn’t deny the rate at which her heart was beating. First dates are awkward & she was not looking forward to this one.

Although, in the back of her mind, she had to admit a flicker of excitement & even the truth of feeling flattered.

***********************

The evening arrived in a blur of a day. Her mom had insisted upon meeting him (completely breaking the code of not meeting the parents until you were getting serious in your relationship). At least this could only act as an extra deterrent, so she should have been more willing to oblige, but embarrassment won that round instead.

Heading out the door, as he opened the passenger door for her, she stepped into the car & a magical thing happened—ease & calm swept over her heart as she slid into the seat. She felt somehow like she had been in this seat a million times before & it somehow felt natural to be sitting in it right then.

The movie was pleasant & dinner was delicious, but conversation was exceptionally surprising. They laughed (genuinely), talked about life (no fluff, just real, honest talk), & they felt like long-lost friends reunited. It was surprising & yet, familiar.

As the evening concluded, they said their goodbyes & picked up their conversation through messages online later that night.

That’s when the problem occurred.

As they chatted, he shared with her how he had been feeling God leading him to this point & nudging him to ask her out. He had resisted, recovering from his own painful romantic memories, but had felt God saying, “will you do this in My timing, or yours?” And that’s when he gave in & went for it by asking her out.

Needless to say, telling a skittish, commitment-phobe girl that “God was telling you to push forward with dating her because God wanted you to pursue her” was basically like telling her to RUN! Not the smartest move on his part, probably.

And so, in response to his bold proclamation, she went on auto-pilot & proceeded to dump her entire relationship history on him as a defense mechanism. She shared everything. Ev-er-y-thing.

While spilling her every heartache onto the unsuspecting victim of her outburst, she cried & wanted to scream at him. She was so freaked out about potentially hurting him or getting herself heartbroken yet again. She was mad at him for being so bold when she had barely agreed to this one date. She was mad that she was finally satisfied with singleness, had learned to avoid flirtations & relying on men for affirmation & now this! She was mad that he had ruined their awesome night of relaxed jollity with bold statements of pursuing her romantically.

And so, she dumped all of her heartache on his shoulders.

He didn’t run. He didn’t defend himself. He just listened patiently, feeling the hurt in her words.

Once the panic & outpouring of her past heartache began to subside, in one final effort to protect the both of them from experiencing similar fates, she asked him to make a vow to her.

The vow was this, “Do not ask me out or talk about a relationship with me for three months. Three months. Pray. Just pray. Ask God to help you get over your twitterpated feelings so that you can see God’s will above your own will. And I will pray that God help me see past my fears to understand His will. Three months & no sooner. Just pray about it.”

He agreed & they said their goodbyes for the evening.

After they signed off their message chat, she cried. She felt ashamed for dumping her past on this unsuspecting guy. She felt ashamed for not trusting God when faced with something that scared her. She felt scared for the potential damage she could cause him. She wanted to run away.

And as she cried, she prayed something quite differently than what she had just said to that young man who had stirred all of these emotions & all of this fear. She asked God to make His will clear to her above all else. She no longer wanted to date for “fun” or “attention” or “fulfillment”. She only wanted to be with someone if the relationship honored God & if it was His best for her. She wanted to rest in the security of Christ’s embrace versus relying on the embrace of a man to fulfill her.

She wanted God’s will.

And so, she prayed this, “God, I don’t know what to do. I am so scared. I can’t go through this again! I can’t risk hurting myself or hurting someone else like that again. I just can’t! You have taught me to rely on You alone for comfort & strength & love & fulfillment… I don’t know how to fit a man into that. Help me! I will refuse to have a man replace Your place in my heart, so show me Your will. If this is Your plan for my path, please make it so clear to both he & I that we are left with no doubts. Be the ruler of this relationship. If this is Your will, give him so much confidence of Your will to pursue me that he is willing to risk losing me in order to follow Your will. Give him the confidence to ask me out before January 1, three WEEKS from now. If he is willing to break his promise to me & risk losing me, all for the sake of obeying You, I will know that You have sent him to me & I will say yes. Your will be done. Amen.”

And then she slept.

***********************

In the days that followed, he kept his promise to her. He didn’t once mention the idea of a future romantic relationship. He was simply acting as her friend. They shared prayers together. They shared testimony of God working in their individual lives. They grew in their relationship with God more than with each other. There was no pressure to be good enough or to show off or to impress each other toward a relationship. It was easy & relaxed & a friendship built on the understanding that neither of us belonged to each other, but rather to Christ. There was laughter & fun & there were happy memories made as they chatted online almost every day.

She kept praying for peace in her heart & to know God’s will. She prayed several times about specific characteristics that she knew without uncertainty that God had shown her she needed in a husband.  Every time she prayed specifically about a characteristic or potential in this man, without fail, this guy randomly, out of the blue & with zero prompting from her, would tell a story about himself that displayed that exact characteristic, sometimes almost verbatim to her prayers. She was always left in wonder & awe to see God answer her questions & concerns so clearly. She could see His fingerprints in their budding friendship.

Along with their many online chats & visits at church functions, the two of them went out together on two more outings that held no romantic nuances. Just friends spending time together.

The third time they hung out in person (other than seeing each other at church events), their time for the day was coming to a close. It was December 31 and no mention of relationships had taken place since their first date. He had held true to his promise.

She shifted in her seat, secretly remembering her prayers about something happening before January 1 if it were God’s will. She began wondering if this meant that God would show her in a different way & that maybe the timing just wasn’t right yet… or if this would mean that His answer was a firm, “no”. She started praying silently, asking God for wisdom on which of these two scenarios were His answer.

Sitting in the car, parked in front of the house, she moved to begin saying her “goodbye until next time” when he, who had been sitting silently next to her for several minutes now, finally spoke up.

“Wait. I feel like I really need to tell you something. I have kept my promise. I have been praying about God’s will to overshadow my own & I haven’t mentioned relationships since that night that we last spoke about it. But three days ago, I feel like I got my answer. I have been praying since then for God to solidify His answer in my heart & to show me when I should tell you, since you made me promise to wait three months… Well, as we were about to say goodbye, I just got this overwhelming feeling that the answer was right now. I know it’s breaking the promise, but I can’t deny that push. I feel like I am supposed to tell you right now that I think God wants me to pursue a romantic relationship with you.”

…

…

…

Panic. Pure panic. Shock. Wonderment. Awe. Panic. Head spinning. Replaying words in her head. Processing the information as the car grew hot & the air grew thick & the car grew significantly smaller with every breath. Heavy breathing, trying not to pass out. Wondering at how God works in her life when she asks Him to & how faithful & amazing He is.

“Michelle…?” he asked her tentatively, fear starting to well inside him as well.

“Oh my gosh. I just… Oh my gosh… What? Did you just ask me out? Oh my gosh… It hasn’t been three months… How did you know…? Oh my gosh… I didn’t tell anyone… Oh my gosh… What just happened…?”

He sat staring at her, probably preparing himself for her to exit his car & never look back.

Seeing his worry, she realized that she hadn’t told him why she was freaking out. She began to tell him her prayers & the change she had made to want him to risk losing her to follow God first. She told him what happened.

Realization dawned on his face, relief & joy replaced his worry. Now he was sitting in his seat, letting the truth of God’s amazing work sink in.

The two of them sat quietly, amazed. Who knew that God would show up so clearly when they asked for His guidance? Who knew how much God cared about their budding relationship? Their eyes had been opened & now they could see more of the Truth… God really cared about them. He cared about guiding them when they ask Him to… He cared for their hearts.

God cared so much more than they had known before that night, & now they could sit & smile & realize just how big & how great & how loving God really was.

He was worth following. He was worth trusting.

He is worth our everything.

***********************

To be Continued…

Part 2 Thoughts

If you hadn’t guessed already from having “her” name revealed as “Michelle”, this is a true story based on my personal love story with my now husband.

I share this story every chance I get because I want girls & women to understand how very much God cares about our hearts & how much He is willing to interact with & guide us along on the journey.

So often, we try to “help Him along” by flirting & trying to be such good girlfriends, putting all of the relationship pressure on our own shoulders, but God is willing to lift that from us & replace it with the peace of knowing that He will be enough to fill our hearts & if we are to marry, He will guide us every step of the way if we allow Him to.

So trust Him, Lovely. If you are seeking love, seek it in God’s loving arms. Not sure how that works or how that could possibly satisfy you more than a man, ask God to show you. He won’t disappoint.

Don’t trust your deceitful heart. Trust God’s steadfast love, wisdom, care, & guidance.

He really is enough & He is waiting to show you how much He really does love you, with or without a man in your life.

Coming Up

The love story doesn’t end there… Check back for next month’s Special Feature blog post (every last Thursday of the month) for “A Love Story-Part 3″!

Also, check back every Monday morning for my latest blog post, encouraging women to shine hope into this dark world by laying out my weaknesses & allowing God’s glory to shine through them. See you then!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Avalon Earrings

Empowering Women Out of Poverty in India & Thailand!

Made with brass & then silver-plated, these statement earrings are a nod to our Indian artisans’ culture.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, and receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in India!

(*Also shown: Pearls of Hope Bracelet from Thailand.)

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE, Lovely!

The Internet & Excuses

Some of you may be wondering… “Why another blog, when there are so many out there already?”

Well, this is one of the very reasons why I kept delaying in following this dream.

So, WHY create a blog when there are so many more out there? Well… here’s part of the story….