Cancelled Plans

Today has been a weird day for me. I had planned to continue writing about doubts this week, but in light of my day, I wanted to hit pause & take a detour.

I was supposed to be heading to Tokyo this morning & enjoying a fun anniversary week at Disney. I was excited.

A couple days ago, I would have gotten a massage for a great price on base, gone for an anniversary pedicure, & received a fresh haircut to liven up my hair a bit.

I would have done my own nails Disney-style (probably Minnie Mouse) & packed my Hakuna Matata shirt & rose gold Minnie ears for our exciting trip.

I would have eaten Guzman y Gomez Mexican food for dinner (a big deal since Mexican food is very uncommonly found in Japan) & my husband & I would have enjoyed the peaceful atmosphere of Ikspiari (a Disney-owned mall near there).

I would probably be exhausted, but I would be happy, excited for the week ahead.

But the virus came & our flight got refunded & here we are at home.

Things I Know…

I know it is such a tiny thing to complain about in light of people getting sick & losing jobs & losing hard-earned businesses they worked hard to own.

I know I have so many blessings to appreciate in my life, like a husband who maybe isn’t perfect (but neither am I) but who loves me & who I can enjoy long walks, talks, & laughter with & I know that not everyone has that.

I know God is good & that He has a plan in all of this. I KNOW that. I know He is still at work & is using this upset in our lives to draw us into His loving arms & to let go of trying to hold the world together on our own.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

But, on top of my missed trip, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, as the saying goes.

It has been a series of unfortunate events/circumstances today. I won’t bore you or bog you down with the details, but they’re all minor inconveniences that have just added up to act as sand or salt in an already present wound.

Showing Up, But Never Perfect

Like I said, I attempted to start my post on Part 2 of Countering Doubts with Truth, but today, I just needed you to know that I don’t have it all together. I have hard days sometimes, too. I don’t always handle them with grace & patience, either.

I have grumpy days & days where my stubborn heart crosses its “arms” as if to say, “I don’t want to be cheered up. I just want to mope today.” Anyone relate?

In the Past… But Not Today, Satan

But I refuse to allow this to be a foothold for Satan to make me doubt God’s goodness & love.

In the past, I would have wondered if God even cares about my hurt feelings or my struggle. I would have wondered if He even cares about me, knowing it meant a lot to me.

I would have doubted that God COULD even help me.

I would have felt that I had experienced “too much” good & that God was evening the scales a bit. (He doesn’t do that.)

But not today.

God’s Blessings in the Good AND the Bad

We tend to give God credit for blessings when all in our life is going smoothly & well—in other words, when life is going OUR way. “God is so GOOD! AMEN! Hallelujah!”

But what about when it’s not? What then?

Where is He then?

He is in your cries. He is in your heartache with you.

God Loves Us & Cares for Us, Even THROUGH Our Heartaches

We’re not promised that life will always go OUR way.

We ARE promised a whole heck of a lot about how much God loves & cares for us, though.

If you don’t believe me, read the Bible.

If you still don’t believe me, ask God to show you Himself. He can & He will.

He Is Still Faithful

Today is not the easiest day for me. I’m not handling it well. I am insisting on a bad attitude when I know I could let Him help me right it.

But He is still faithful & still standing by, as it were, to offer me His mighty yet gentle hand.

Yes, I don’t get my way today, neither with my big anniversary plans, nor with the little annoyances that keep disrupting my day.

BUT, I can slump into Him & I can cry & He will hear me & love me through it.

He Will Love Me through It

In the hurt & disappointments & cancelled plans, He will show me I can trust Him & His big picture plan, even if I don’t understand why things feel so wrong & hard for me right now.

He won’t tell me to tough it up. He understands.

He will just let me lean on Him in all my weakness & pathetic stubbornness… & He will love me.

He Will Show Me

He will show me that life doesn’t have to go perfectly for me to be perfectly loved.

He will show me that life doesn’t have to go my way for it to work out best, because HE knows best.

He will show me that when I am weak, I am strong, because it is then that I stop clinging to myself for hope & start looking to Him for it.

Not my plans, but His.

Not my way, but His.

He loves me. He is mighty. He is gentle & kind.

He is faithful even when I am faithless.

He gently lifts my chin up to Him & whispers over me, “I know, “one I love”, I know. I see you. I am here. I am enough. Lean into me. I love you so much. Trust me & cling to me. I’ve got you.”

A Prayer of Thanks-In the Midst of the Gloom, God Still Blesses

Thank You, God, for not requiring me to be “with it” all the time. Thank You for loving me even in my less than pretty moments. Thank You for being faithful always & for Your all-wise, all-knowing, love-wrapped plan. Thank You that I can still trust You even when my plans fail. Thank You for all You do that I don’t give You credit for. Thank You for loving me when I have an ugly heart. You are steadfast & sure. You are reliable & kind & so powerful. And yet, you love me. Thank YOU. Help me in my gloomy days to always see the light of hope I have in You. This is my temporary home, a mere shadow of the glorious place where You are that I will one day see & call my forever home. Thank You for all You have done, are doing, & will do. You are God. You are eternal. You are LOVE. THANK YOU! Amen.

It’s okay to have weak days.

Cling to Him, slump into Him, cry out to Him. He is listening & He loves you dearly… ALWAYS.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Truth Earrings

These incredibly light earrings are made with genuine local capiz shell.

Artisan Information:

In the Philippines, finding employment as a woman in poverty can be extremely difficult. Poor working conditions, lack of job security, & unfair pay are often the realities. Through your purchase, these women are receiving an income, health care, & social development programs. This allows these women to realize their potential & pursue their dreams in a safe environment. You have the opportunity to change lives!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in the Philippines!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Can Reading the Whole Bible Really Benefit Me That Much?

So, we have been talking about doubts lately, but today I am going to take a quick detour down one specific doubt I had about whether or not I could ever be “good at” reading my Bible.

I grew up hearing about our need to “be in God’s Word” (the Bible) & to pray, but every time I tried to read my Bible, I felt bored or I just felt like it was outdated & unimportant to my life.

I Thought I Knew Better Than God…

I began to doubt God’s wisdom in Joshua 1:8 & Psalm 1:1-3, for example, to be meditating on His Word “day & night” because it just didn’t seem relevant to me, except for some key verses or concepts that spoke into specific things I was dealing with… but that was about it for me—a sort of grab “what you need” & leave the rest.

I wasn’t trying to be lazy or rebellious, I just was bored & it didn’t feel like it mattered all that much, except to make sure I wasn’t going against God’s will with specific sins or in knowing how to face certain trials, but otherwise I felt I was okay without it.

Basically, I thought I knew better than God. Ouch.

Even the Boring Parts?

Now, I want to confess here that I did have days that it definitely was about rebellion, & I struggle that way some days even now (although a lot less often), but most days I just didn’t feel like doing it because I didn’t get it.

I mean, all the genealogies & old laws & tabernacle design & all of the other boring in-betweens… who cares, right?

But yet, it always nagged me in the back of my mind that I was just finding any excuses I needed to back out of doing something that I knew God asked of me because it was less interesting & captivating than other ways I could be spending my time.

But, So Many Obstacles Always Get in My Way!

But still, even when I would admit that to myself & recommit to it, I would inevitably reach one of countless obstacles that just seemed too much for me to overcome: a headache, a cold, exhaustion, distractions, forgetfulness, busy schedule, losing track of time, impromptu plans, etc. I never could seem to get past the countless stream of obstacles that seemed to meet me at my already lack of desire to do it… so I would give up my commitment again & again because failing each time got old.

It seemed impossible, really.

I wasn’t trying to be rebellious, but life kept happening & Bible reading just didn’t fit.

Defeat Led to Defeat, Which Led to Giving Up

I felt defeated so many times. I would try to recommit out of guilt, or maybe a hint of a desire to see whether it really was as fulfilling as some people told me it was, but an obstacle would hit & I would be done. Again.

So, I read my Bible regularly now… & I actually enjoy it... & I don’t let anything stop me (although there’s always room for grace)… so HOW did I do it?

Here’s the backstory:

I didn’t wake up one day & decide to be great at consistent time reading my Bible (well, I did, but deciding & doing are different things, can anyone relate??) & then also running a blog with a Facebook Community.

I wasn’t always good at reading my Bible (I hardly ever read it beyond quick quotes that seemed to encourage me) & maybe you aren’t good at it either & maybe you see me & think to yourself, “Well, this is just something that she’s better at than me because I have tried it & I am AWFUL at keeping at it!”

So here is my timeline, my backstory (summarized) in hopes of helping you see the potential for a richer, fuller life & a better understanding of who God is & HOW MUCH He LOVES you!

Meeting Christ Young, Intermittent Reading, & Then, the ANSWER That Changed Everything

5 Years Old—Trusted Jesus to rescue me from my sin

Childhood–Read my Children’s Bible sometimes, but not regularly

Middle School—Began doubting God & my salvation & God’s Word & everything (it was a choppy time in my life because of this!)

High School—Went through depression & started asking God to show me I could count on Him when I couldn’t count on anything else (HE DID!)

Young Adulthood—Read books ABOUT God & attended Bible Studies, but didn’t really know how to separate opinion from Truth, or which books I could rely on to know… I tried to commit to Bible reading many times but always gave up.

Several Years Ago–Still had never read my whole Bible, (had begun but kept forgetting or rebelling & stopped many times), usually only bits & pieces here & there in quotable verses or in studies/sermons I attended….

BUT, I then read “Andrew Murray on Prayer” & my eyes were opened to the fact that in all my FAILURES to stay consistent & all my LACK OF UNDERSTANDING of what I was reading… dun dun dun… I could ask for God’s help in ALL OF IT!!

Wow! Total game changer because up until then, I had always beat myself up that I just wasn’t a strong enough Christian to do it & that “maybe someday…” but now I understood that I didn’t have to rely on MY willpower to overcome my constant obstacles because I could ASK GOD FOR HELP every step!

3 Years Ago—I determined to ASK GOD FOR HELP whenever I went to read….

• I asked for His help to understand.
• I asked for His help to concentrate.
• I asked for His help with clarity when I felt foggy or tired.
• I asked for His help to even WANT to read it MANY times when I felt stubborn, with an “I really don’t care right now” attitude.
• I asked for His help to overcome my bad attitude of “I don’t feel like its.”
• I asked for His help on the WHEN.
• I began asking for His help with ANYTHING that threatened to keep me from reading–especially MYSELF.

And I wouldn’t pray & move on… NO, I determined that if ANYONE could help me accomplish this, it was HIM, so I would pray & sit & wait, determined to do nothing else until He answered by changing my attitude, softening my heart to be willing, & cleared my mind of distractions to focus on it.

AND HE SHOWED UP EVERY TIME.

TWO Years Ago—Finished reading THE WHOLE BIBLE for the FIRST time, within ONE YEAR

ONE Year Ago–I did it AGAIN

THIS YEAR–I no longer need the strict rules to read 2-4 chapters a day to maintain consistency because I actually ENJOY it & LOOK FORWARD TO it!! I am working through slowing down my reading & digging DEEPER–underlining, looking up original Greek/Hebrew, writing notes, ETC. with guidance from KATIE ORR (Look her up!)

You Can Be a “Bible Girl”, Too

So, if you are discouraged, don’t let Satan keep you stuck there... Understand that if YOU can’t get yourself out of that, GOD CAN. So, ASK Him!! And KEEP ASKING Him!

He will show up for YOU, too!! <3

When I first started trying to read my Bible years ago, it always felt boring & hard to understand or to see how/why it really mattered—it seemed outdated & out of touch with NOW.

But when I started asking God to help me even WANT to, as well as to help me actually carry through with reading it, knowing He asks us to meditate on His Word as I mentioned earlier (hard to do when I wasn’t reading it much at all), it is so weird… Every time I read the Bible through, it having started out as so boring to me, you would think reading it multiple times would just be overwhelmingly boring… but the opposite ended up being true… honestly. The more I read it, the more I WANT to read it. Isn’t that weird?

Despite My Many Lackings

I know it sounds like, “well of course it’s easy for you, you’re one to do a blog & Facebook community & etc., but I’m different.” But, girl, don’t let Satan fool you away from the nourishment you will get when you stop letting your obstacles rule your life & you start asking for God to be your help in getting over them.

I wasn’t always good at it. I didn’t always have the courage to stand up for Him & shout His love to the masses, through my blog. But reading His Word emboldens me because I am learning to rely LESS on myself & what I know I’m not capable of & MORE of what I am learning He is FULLY capable of despite my lacking.

The More I Read, The More I WANT to Read

My love of the Bible wasn’t immediate. I had to pray SO MANY times just to get myself through it… BUT, this is me several years in the future telling you it’s SO worth it!

I understand a new layer every read. I understand more of how much God’s got this, all of this, in control. I understand more how AWFUL & wretched sin is (in ME) & also how much more my view of His GRACIOUSNESS grows. I understand more that no matter what I do or did or will do to mess up, in all my efforts & good intentions, God can’t love me any less. His love is unconditional… that means NO conditions have to be met for Him to love me (& you).

It’s All About HIM

And just reading it daily sets my perspective straight that it’s not about me being perfect or “good enough” but about worshipping Him by trusting His will & His daily guidance, strength, wisdom, hope, comfort, etc. And not just with an “I know He can do it,” but with an, ” I KNOW He’s got me.”

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of Him.” (1 John 5:14-15)

So, get to know His will & start asking for HIS HELP.

Start Now

So, will you start the journey? Or restart the journey?

And this time, don’t let Satan beat you down. Stop in the midst of your countless, “I can’ts” & ask God to give you the win.

“God, I feel stubborn. I feel like I don’t want to know rules or whatever. I don’t even know why, I just feel like I don’t care. But HELP me to care. Help me to see the value in it. Help me to DO it. I want to learn more about your love for me but I feel so stubborn. Help me!”

“God, I [feel tired, have a headache, feel too busy, feel too distracted, etc.] that I don’t think I can read it, but I know you ask us to, so it must be important. Help me to see that & right my perspective. Help me trust You over my own understanding because I KNOW You know best. You are God & I am not & I need You. Help me to overcome!”

The above prayers have been prayed countless times by me (not the exact words, but the same sentiment). Talk to Him. Be real & honest, even if it’s admitting you don’t want to. Just talk to Him & trust Him. Ask for a new perspective. Ask for help overcoming your lack of desire or your countless distractions.

What seems impossible to man is always possible with God, so ASK HIM. (Luke 18:27)

Shine Hope by going to Him for help in ALL things.

He LOVES you.

It makes me crave it, to dwell in it, to cherish it!

So, if you struggle reading your Bible, ask for God’s help & don’t STOP. It only gets better from here!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Lotus Earrings

Hand cut maroon suede makes these flower petal-inspired earrings a perfect statement.

Artisan Information:

In India, many women are forced to work in sweatshops with unfair pay & dangerous conditions. But with every purchase, the women who make this product are now working in a safe environment, being paid a fair wage & seeing their lives change for the better! They also have access to education & financial counseling. You are empowering women to have freedom to dream again!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

We All Have ‘Em & God Can Handle Them

Last week, we talked about “How to Handle Doubts & Still Honor God,” but this week, I want to talk about specific common doubts I have wrestled.

We all have doubts, & as was mentioned last week, doubts are one of Satan’s oldest tricks to push us further from hope & truth by making us withdraw from God.

But as we also mentioned last week, God already knows about our doubts because He knows all things hidden & revealed. He can handle your doubts & He understands that we are limited, created, & finite, while He is Limitless, Creator, & Eternal.

There will just be things we don’t understand sometimes & He knows that.

Remember, God Will Help Us Work Through Them

And when we turn to Him in those doubts, instead of pulling away from Him, He is able to help us work through them, either by giving us an “aha!” moment of clarity, revealing how it all fits together with your specific doubt, OR, He will reveal more of Himself to you—His love, His patience, His gentleness, His wisdom, His strength, His power, etc. to reassure you that while you may not be able to understand how to work through that doubt, you can definitely rest assured that trust in Him is sure & steady & always worth it.

So, now that we’ve reviewed, let’s take some time to focus in on some specific & common doubts, always remembering that God always knows best.

1. “How Do I Know Which Religion Is the RIGHT One?”

This is one that plagued me for years growing up, claiming I was a Christian, but not really sure if I was right or whether we were ALL right in some way? I really didn’t know.

But it can’t be one of many, because Jesus claims that He is THE way, THE truth, & THE life & that no one comes to God except through Him. (John 14:6)

That may sound like a stuck up, arrogant, self-absorbed claim to make, but here’s why it’s THE BEST news you will ever hear.

All other religions leave it up to you to be “enough”, the ambiguous, always shifting, unsteady push to be better & earn it in one way or another.

The “Good News”-Jesus Paid Our Debt IN FULL

But JESUS lets us know that even if just counting our inner thoughts, not to mention all the wrongs we have done, we CAN’T earn it… But that HE earned it FOR us.

I really believe that Jesus came later in history to die for us in order to reveal to us that no matter how much we reject & hate Him, no matter how wrong our wrongs are, no matter how much we could never earn it by balancing the scales ENOUGH in our favor… NO MATTER WHAT, Jesus STILL was faithful & STILL chose to die on our behalf.

That’s some GOOD NEWS if I ever heard any!!!

We strive to do good, not to earn His favor or balance any scales because our debt it PAID IN FULL. We do it out of a grateful heart that realizes that because His love is SO GREAT for US, He is worth giving our all to!

2. “What If God Isn’t Even Real? I Can’t See/Feel/Hear Him.”

The quickest & simplest way to dispel this doubt is to consider the wind. We can’t see it, but we can see its work as it blows a leaf across the ground, rustles the grass, & even knocks down big structures. It is gentle & soft sometimes & overwhelmingly powerful at other times.

If you remember our Matthew 5 (Part 2) talk, we mentioned how the “Pure in Heart” are blessed because they “will see God” (Matthew 5:8). As we strive to live with an undivided heart, in seeking to filter everything we do or think through God’s will & way, we begin to see Him more clearly in day to day life.

Talk to Him in All Things-Prayer

The more we talk to God & share our fears, worries, anxieties, anger, pain, scars, excitement, goals, plans, thoughts, etc., the more we begin to see Him interact in very intimately specific ways to our thoughts shared with Him. It’s pretty amazing!

If you never spend any time reading His Word (the Bible) consistently or talking to Him (prayer) consistently, don’t expect to recognize His fingerprints everywhere. The opposite is true.

Also, just look at the complexity of our mind & body… & babies forming in the womb, the sky’s clouds/sunsets, the ocean, the variety of flowers, the variety of tastes, smells, textures, temperatures, etc. This world was made (by God’s hand) with both specific order AND vast complexities/varieties. HOW COOL!

3. “I’ve Done Too Much Bad Stuff in My Life. If God Knew/Knows, He Would Never Forgive Me.”

OUCH. This one hurts, doesn’t it? I have BEEN there.

People like to look at me now & think, “such innocence, such grace, such sweetness of the soul…” (No? Okay, so maybe that’s just my wishful thinking, haha.) but God sees it ALL. He sees every decision I have knowingly made to reject Him & do things my way. He sees every excuse I made to back out of obedience. He knows when I have had a terrible attitude & was only looking out for numero uno (ME).

He also sees my list of past sins & ones that sometimes pop up & snag me for a brief time when I am not diligent in seeking God first, before I started trying to turn my life over to Him in meekness/letting Him take the reins of my time & life.

I’m not fooling Him in any way. And neither are you, if you’re trying. He sees you. He sees ALL of you.

And yet…

And YET, review doubt #1 above.

“I really believe that Jesus came later in history to die for us in order to reveal to us that no matter how much we reject & hate Him, no matter how wrong our wrongs are, no matter how much we could never earn it by balancing the scales ENOUGH in our favor… NO MATTER WHAT, Jesus STILL was faithful & STILL chose to die on our behalf.”

He sees it all. He knows it all. AND YET, He still forgives it all & He still came to die for us, that if we admit our wrongs, ask forgiveness for them, & turn from them, claiming Jesus as our SAVIOR & REDEEMER & LORD of our life, He is faithful & just to forgive us (ALL) of our sins! (1 John 1:9)

Don’t let Satan’s lie of “you’re just too far gone,” keep you from realizing the freedom & hope & security & JOY of Jesus’ grace meant for you!

4. “Why Pray? Can He Even Hear Me? If He’s GOD, Doesn’t He Know Already & Won’t He Just Do What He Wants Anyway?”

That’s a whole lot of doubts rolled into one (which I may delve deeper into each specifically later). But….

Yes, He can hear you just fine. And yes, He hears you even when you talk to Him in your mind. He hears you every moment.

Prayer is still something I wrestle with understanding fully because it seems so beyond imagination that the God who created EVERYTHING can hear me AND every other person at all times & that He condescends Himself to work through our prayers.

AND, while He can hear all of it all at once, & while He has a perfect will & plan, He can ALSO work our prayers INTO His plan.

Always Check What God Says About a Topic

If we check out 1 John 5:14-15 we are told, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of Him.”

This doesn’t mean we can ask for an ice cream cone & one will appear in our hand. He isn’t our personal genie.

This also doesn’t mean He will always answer the way we think or hope or want. Because He knows better.

For instance, if we pray for true love, meaning particularly the man we have our eyes on, God may see how that man’s path or future does not line up with you as well as you think it does, & so He starts shaping the path toward someone else & ENDING this one, making you feel ignored & hurt & betrayed, when really, God is answering what you want, in His perfect fore-knowledge & wisdom, without you seeing it.

God Is Always Working

Sometimes, God will use the words of someone else, a book, a sermon, a tv show, etc. to speak right into what you’re asking Him about. (I don’t mean, “she said YES, so God is telling ME yes!!” but more of a lesson learned or teaching moment.)

He also knows that oftentimes, what we really need is not to have our way, but to trust HIM more with whatever it is. Like yearning for marriage/dating, when we really could stand to see how fulfilling God is to us when we really put effort into seeking Him—a steady love we can stand on versus an uncertain romance that could leave us hurting worse than before.

He Will Help Us As We Turn to Him for It

God never lets us down. (By the way, I feel the need to point out here that while Jamie & I are imperfectly learning together, I am certainly glad I waited for Him because our imperfections work well with each other’s strengths—but I cannot lean on him in all things & he can’t with me because we are JUST HUMAN… we have our limitations, while God DOES NOT.)

I could go on for a LONG time about all the different things I have learned about prayer—most of all that even in learning to or WANTING to trust Him, we CAN ASK for His help & He WILL HELP us.

(Check out the Categories listed on this site (at the bottom or to the right in a drop-down menu) & go to “Prayer” to read more!)

More Next Week…

I feel like this is a good stopping point, even though there are SO MANY more doubts out there, but I will possibly do Part 2 on Doubts next week, so stay tuned!

Shine HOPE by turning to God through ALL of your doubts & letting Him help you work through them!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Iris Earrings

Iridescent pink crystal beads sway on these golden teardrop hoops.

Artisan Information:

In Peru, rural citizens have been affected by extreme poverty & guerrilla warfare. Women are affected the worst as their husbands generally leave them in search of work. Many are unable to get the basic needs of food, shelter, & clothing. But with every purchase of this product, women are finding hope & an income by hand making this beautiful product. Because of you, these family businesses are now empowering the next generation!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Peru!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Who Else Doubts God Sometimes?

Let’s talk about doubts about God, today.

We’ve all had them, whether we readily want to admit that or not. It’s natural to do it, since God’s working is so out of our ability to understand on so many levels–He is infinite in His knowledge of time & history… past, present, & future.

What Do You Do About Them?

So, what do we do about them?

I’ll tell you what I used to always do growing up—stuff them.

That’s right. I saw my doubts flutter across my mind, felt guilty for feeling/thinking it, & then just tried to pretend they weren’t there at all.

I will be the first to tell you, don’t do that… you’ll always regret it at some point.

Stuffed doubts tend to grow underneath & can create even bigger problems down the road for you.

So then what do you do with them if you can’t ignore them?

The Oldest Trick in the Book

Well, let’s start by saying that doubts are not only natural to mankind, they are also the oldest trick in the book for Satan—Garden of Eden story ringing any bells for you on this?

“Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” (Genesis 3:1) (emphasis mine)

He twisted what God had commanded about not eating from that one tree, to undermine God’s authority & make it seem an outlandish, unreasonable thing for Him to command, by clumping in every other tree to exaggerate his point to Eve.

And he does the same to us…

“Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)

Doubts Once Consumed Me As I Sought to Hide Them

Let me begin this section by reminding you that the following doubts, while are common to cross a person’s mind at some point, are ALL laced in deceit (LIES).

“Did God really tell you you could never have ANY fun? What kind of life is that?”

“Did God REALLY tell you to spend your time reading an old, boring book? As if that will help anything?”

“Did God really do all of those harsh judgments written in the Old Testament? Wouldn’t that make Him evil & someone to avoid?”

“Did He really say you shouldn’t do what feels so natural & right to YOU? Does He even know what He’s talking about?”

The questions go on & on, & I have wanted to buy into them almost every time a new one shows up. That’s why the guilt… & the avoidance.

God Already Knows Your Doubts & He Can Help Set the Record Straight

But let me comfort you with something right now… You are safe with bringing your doubts to God.

He understands we have limited foreknowledge & limited wisdom & limited understanding. He understands that we grew up believing differently than what His Word tells us is best for us.

And He KNOWS how to help you with those same doubts & every other one that sneaks in & threatens to take over.

Don’t Pull Away… Draw Near

You see, when I once hid them away, trying to ignore them, they would fester & sprout & grow as doubts against God in my heart. They made me pull AWAY from God, which is what Satan wanted all along.

But God is compassionate & loving & kind. He is all-wise & all-knowing. He can HELP you sort through those doubts & to set you free with a big dose of TRUTH to wash them away, even when you see no possible way.

Twu Wuv, It’s What Bwings Us Togevah Today

Look at what the Bible tells us about TRUE love (or, & tell me if you get this reference–TWU WUV) in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (emphasis mine)

Now compare that with 1 John 4:8: “Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” (emphasis mine)

God IS love.

Now read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 again with this in mind & tell me whether you believe that God will receive your doubts with kindness, understanding, & HELP.

He Beckons Us Closer

You see, the biggest thing I had always been missing when my doubts sprung up was that God was okay with me admitting they were there.

And not only that, but He wanted to help me know the Truth with which to replace those very lies.

I can’t begin to tell you how many doubts about God I have had in my lifetime & I am no longer ashamed to admit that. I venture to guess that I am not the only one.

So, This Is What I Know Now About Doubts

So, what I know about doubts is this:

1. They exist in (most likely) every single person at some time or another.
2. Satan puts a lot of those doubts there to distract you & to deceive you to push away from your only source of TRUE hope & Truth & love.
3. God understands that we will have doubts & welcomes us to bring them to Him for help & understanding.

Knowing these things, how do we handle those doubts while still honoring God & not pulling away from Him like Satan wants?

Suit Up

Here are some helpful weapons to use against the doubts WHEN they come:

1. Being aware that they’re a cunning & ruthless tactic of Satan & that he is known as the Deceiver.
2. Not hiding from them, but rather admitting them to God & asking for His help either to understand the TRUTH to counter that doubt, OR to learn how to TRUST Him regardless of whether or not you can grasp the Truth (because, let’s face it, there are things about God’s plans that span beyond our lifetime & understanding & therefore, we may never see exactly how something fits in God’s plan, but we can know that He has one & that it’s a good one & that it’s also meant for our good & the good of all mankind.)
3. Staying consistent in reading the Bible & learning a deeper view of WHO God is, so that when those doubts come, you are planted more securely in a broader perspective & are less easily rattled by those springing doubts.
4. Memorizing God’s Word, even bit by bit, tucking away Truths in your heart to act as a sword & shield against doubts that try to knock you down. Be ready!
5. Asking a pastor or Christian mentor whom you trust their discernment or knowledge of God’s Word & ways better than you do, who can give you perspective on it deeper than maybe what you see on the surface of that doubt.
6. Lastly, & most importantly, STAY CONNECTED to God by talking to Him frequently, asking for His wisdom, direction, peace, strength, courage, hope, comfort, etc. Connect yourself with Him & cultivate that trust by spending time with Him. Not just in following rituals, but by talking to Him about your worries, stress, anger, hurt, doubts, hopes, aches, plans, loves, relationships, etc. EVERYTHING. Let Him in & let Him help & let Him teach you to love Him more by Him showing you more of how much He loves YOU.

Embrace God’s Willingness & Ability to Help You Face Your Doubts Head-on

Don’t run from doubts. Don’t let them fester.

Face them head on & embrace God’s willingness & ability to help. He knows where that doubt is coming from & He has the wisdom to reassure you or teach & grow you into a better understanding.

He can handle it. Trust me.

So, run to Him, always, in all things, & talk to Him without ceasing.

HE is where your hope comes from.

So shine HOPE by taking those doubts to Him & getting them sorted out & dealt with BEFORE they become a problem, or even as healing, clean-up, & growth AFTER they already are a problem. Either way, He’s got you, babe.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Ramala Bracelet Set

A set of 2, these bracelets are silver, adjustable, & one features real moonstone, with varying hues of lilac, blue, & purple.

Artisan Information:

The poverty cycle in India continues primarily because of the lack of education. Most schools are not free or affordable. Therefore, many children never learn to read or write & grow up with limited opportunities. However, every purchase of this product empowers women to provide for their children & send them to school! You have the opportunity to end poverty & create an impact for generations to come!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

How Low Can You Go?

Have you ever gone through something really rough? Like test-your-faith rough?

Have you ever faced a pain that made you want to doubt God’s goodness? Or whether He cared about you or even saw you?

Have you ever felt like your life was defined by the hours you spent crying each day? Like the dark clouds seemed to never relent? Like your dark days could never get darker but always did?

I have.

Pain Is Real & We All Face It

I have been through depression & times of constant, high anxiety. I have had my heart shattered into seemingly millions of pieces. I have fought against the trailing effects of trauma. I have feared a deteriorating marriage. I have felt unworthy of having children because I wasn’t given any. I have faced betrayal by close friends. I have lived through devastating deserts of loneliness where no one seemed to understand or know how to help.

I have cried out to God & felt unheard.

Hindsight Guilt

When I have emerged on the other side of those treacherously painful valleys by God’s hand, I have looked back with shame for doubting God’s power & goodness & love for me.

I remembered the nights of crying, “Where ARE YOU???!”

All my life, I self-condemned for those moments where my faith slipped, letting Satan torment me with how unfaithful I really am in trusting God… with thoughts of how “terrible a Christian” I am for ever having those thoughts & worries & pain barrage my thought life & prayers–as if feeling pain meant I didn’t have enough faith.

A New Perspective

But lately, God has been shining a light on a new perspective.

In reading through the Psalms with a study group, I noticed that a vast majority of the Psalms were just like my prayers during those terribly painful moments of my life.

I noticed, too, how that theme of lamentation even flows through several books in the Bible in times of distress.

And finally, I started to see how human it is to feel these emotions & hurts.

An Important Distinction- Complaint Vs. Lament

You see, there is a very important difference between complaining & lamenting.

Complaining seeks support, but spreads the dissention & worry & heaviness among others who cannot improve the situation. It also implies there is no hope.

Lamenting to God seeks His support, focusing through the storms of life on HIS ability to help.

Complaining focuses on the source of the problem, while lamenting to God focuses on the Source of the Solution TO the problem-GOD.

Our Impossible Is, to Him, Always Possible

When we cry out to Him, no matter how impossible it may seem that He might be able to fix it, we are exercising our “mustard seed faith…” (Matthew 17:20) that even if we doubt how God can or will help us, we know deep down that if anyone CAN help us, it WILL be Him.

That’s the distinction.

When we complain, we spread & grow bitterness, not solving the problem nor seeking the One who can.

When we lament in prayers to Him, we are recognizing that whether or not we see a possible light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, that God is where our help will come from.

It Is Okay to be Human-That Is What You Are, After All

It is okay to fall apart. It is okay to feel the weight of your world crashing around you when something unimaginably hard crosses our path. We are only human & can only endure so much in our own strength.

It is okay to mourn. It is okay to struggle.

Where Does Your Hope Come From? My Hope Is in the Lord

But the key is where do you turn as your source of Hope & Help & Healing?

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God & not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed….” (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)

It may seem to crush us under the weight of seeming impossibility, but God is a God of making the impossible possible.

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.” (Psalm 121:1-2)

Cling to God in Distress & Tell Satan to Shut It

So, don’t let Satan riddle you with guilt & shame for feeling so beat up & crying out about it to God.

Instead, take your laments to God, pour out your honest heart (I promise He can handle your worst), & call out to Him in your distress, even if all you have to offer is your mustard seed-sized faith.

Not HOW MUCH Faith, But in WHOM You Have Faith

Remember, a mustard-seed-sized faith can move a mountain… In other words, it seems impossible, & you feel you have so little faith in it ever even BEING possible, but it’s the WHO you have faith in versus the HOW MUCH faith you have that makes the impossible POSSIBLE.

So, cry out to Him. Lay it all on Him, even when you feel you have nothing left to offer.

And if Satan tries to guilt you for feeling hopeless when you are crying out to God for hope, tell him to get out & leave you alone. Because God hears you. He doesn’t expect you to clean up the mess that you are first. He doesn’t expect you to understand all His ways. He just asks you to trust HIM in the mess.

Weakness Invites Us to See All God Can Do in Light of Our Inability

Looking back & reading through the Psalms, I am reminded that it is only human to feel overwhelmed by what we cannot control or ease, but that we are invited to come to God, pour it all out to Him, & seek His help.

God can do GREAT things with your very little.

Shine HOPE by trusting the WHO behind your faith, not the HOW MUCH faith.

He’s GOT you. He is able & He is willing.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Manilla Bay Earrings

Local capiz shell is dyed a light blue/green hue and hand cut into half moon shapes accented with silver toned metal.

Artisan Information:

In the Philippines, finding employment as a woman in poverty can be extremely difficult. Poor working conditions, lack of job security, & unfair pay are often the realities. Through your purchase, these women are receiving an income, health care, & social development programs. This allows these women to realize their potential & pursue their dreams in a safe environment. You have the opportunity to change lives!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Tried Already…

I don’t know about you, but this has been a common theme in my life. If I can’t figure out how to accomplish something, I just avoid it.

Whether it be organizing something that I don’t quite understand how or whether it be a life situation, if I know I should do it, but don’t know how… I feel like I just can’t.

Anyone Else?

One good example of this is reading my Bible consistently.

Do you feel like that comes easy for you? Or do you struggle beyond reading a few verses here & there (if any)?

If you know my testimony, found HERE, you know I accepted Jesus’ grace when I was a child… & YET, I could never seem to be consistent reading my Bible beyond a few weeks or so of motivation.

Soo Many Reasons (AKA Obstacles)

It wasn’t that I didn’t care, it just seemed either boring, unrelatable, or that the many of life’s obstacles seemed to keep me from getting into it long-term.

Once I realized how much I could really gain from reading the Bible: eternal perspective, God’s Truths, hope, relatable stories of others failing or seeing how God came through for them, “boring & unrelatable” were no longer my opinion of Bible reading, & YET, it still seemed almost impossible to be consistent.

“I Promise I Love God, But…”

I often felt like I had to make excuses for it or defend how I loved God because it made me feel like either a bad Christian or a failure of one. I had tried COUNTLESS times to get into it & would always seem to be overwhelmed by an onslaught of obstacles that always got in the way.

I sort of kept that detail (of not reading my Bible regularly) on the downlow so no one would think poorly of me or doubt my salvation &/or love of God.

It was embarrassing & riddled me with guilt.

But I just could NOT seem to keep up with it.

SO MANY Obstacles!

Whenever I made effort, the obstacles seemed to overcome me instantly.

Either I would get sick, have a headache, forget, get distracted, be exhausted, feel stubborn/rebellious, or just flat out not do it.

Trying to read my Bible daily seemed like trying to run up a snowy/slick hill. I might make it up a bit, but then I would slide all the way back to the beginning.

It made me stop trying after a while, thinking I am just not good at it.

MAJOR Perspective Shift in Knowing God Can Help

But then I read Andrew Murray’s collection of writings on Prayer.

One thing he thoroughly emphasized is how the current church culture is training people to be burnt out, exhausted, & full of shame at not feeling like a good enough Christian.

The ingredient he stressed is missing from our training is the key to everything we’re missing in this equation: God’s help.

The Lie: If Christian, We Should Just Be Able to Do It on Our Own

I feel like oftentimes, it is sort of an understood lie that if we are Christian, therefore having God’s power to help us, that means we should automatically succeed at everything we try. Therefore, it is often thought that if we are NOT succeeding, we must not be believing hard enough or are maybe not a good enough Christian.

WRONG.

The Truth: We Need to Draw from Him in Order to Succeed

The truth is that if we are Christian, we have been forgiven & are allowed ACCESS to God’s power, but we must go to Him & draw from Him to receive it! And I don’t mean, read your Bible enough & prove your sincerity & then you can have it… NO. I mean ASK HIM FOR HELP.

We are allowed to ASK GOD FOR HELP in obeying Him & honoring Him with our lives!!

In fact, not only are we ALLOWED to ask Him for help, we SHOULD be asking for His help.

He Is the VINE… We Are Just Branches

He. Is. Our. VINE.

We are mere branches & without drawing FROM HIM, we are just a dead stick on the ground.

So, ask Him.

Ask Him to help you have courage. Ask Him to give you wisdom. Ask Him for help in setting aside time for Him. Ask Him for focus. Ask Him for clarity. Ask Him for the willpower to do it!

Not As an Excuse to Not Act

And I don’t mean, “God, please help me with this & until I feel helped to my liking, I just won’t do it. I’ll go do what I would rather do right now until you do all the work for me.”

NO.

I mean, “God, I am [stubborn & hard-hearted, lazy, distracted, or tired], please give me [clarity, willpower, strength, courage, peace, etc.] to do this & knowing this honors You, I know You will help me & that in my own strength, I will fail a million times. So, I will stay here & keep asking & act on the knowledge & faith that You are capable of & will help me to obey & follow You. I need You AS I DO IT. Amen.”

Be willing to ACT on FAITH that HE is your solution… that if there is ANY way for you to be consistent & faithful, God can accomplish filling in where you lack.

Leaning in Where I Lack… (AKA Everything)

Doing this… leaning into Him when I want to quit or just don’t feel like it physically, mentally, emotionally, whatever… is the ONLY way I am able to be consistent in reading my Bible EVERY DAY for THREE YEARS now.

Taking This Truth to Other Excuses/”Failures”

And now, my challenge rests in improving personal time with Him, talking with Him, sharing my burdens with Him, asking for His help with trauma of my past & my hurts in the midst of emotions, telling Him everything I am so grateful to Him for, & coming to Him to intercede on behalf of others I care about.

My new challenge is trusting Him to help me pray more frequently, deeply, & meaningfully.

And the same rule applies. I need to trust God with help in it versus saying, “I’m just not very good at setting aside time for or focusing on prayer.”

I may not be good at it, but where I am limited, He is limitless.

Because He Can

It’s time we stop focusing on where we end & instead, start leaning into the One who has all we need to accomplish what He asks of us & all that honors Him & brings Him glory in this hurting world that needs Him so much.

He’s worth it!

Shine HOPE by asking for His help in how to do it, when to do it, & help in what you need in order to do it. He has all you need, Lovely!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Restoring Hope Necklace

This versatile, reversible necklace features mother of pearl in hues of black on one side & off-white on the other, hanging from an antiqued brass chain.

Artisan Information:

In Asia, poverty leads many women to be sexually exploited in brothels. These women want to provide for their families but have so few options. But through your purchase, women are being rescued from these brothels & rehabilitated. Holistic care is given to these women, including a shelter, job training, healthcare, counseling, & educational grants for themselves & their children. You can help these women experience restoration for their future!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Asia!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Pivot Moments

These last couple weeks, I have begun taking you on a journey of major “Pivot” moments in my life.

In these moments of life change, God has shown Himself true & reliable & capable. He has been the love & grace & patience & power that has gotten me through & He is patiently guiding me to be the woman He made me to be.

Doubts to Darkness

This week, we are following through with the results of last week’s Pivot moment & the answers that finally squashed all of the doubts rattling my heart.

((To catch up from last week & read the story of my seemingly endless doubts, check out that post, here.))

So, after a year or two of doubting everything I once believed in about the simplicity of grace… depression hit me hard.

We’re about to dive headfirst into my darkest days, so hold on!

Shutting God Out & Choosing Me

You see, I had just spent about two years slowly training myself to shut out God’s voice of wisdom & warning from guiding me. I wanted to do it my way.

And now, I was in a raging, stormy sea without a life preserver, just struggling to survive on my own.

Depression became two long years of pain like I had never known before.

How It Began

I was a freshman, & then sophomore, in high school at this point, & my life was a mess of uncertainty & shame & fear & anger & hatred & loneliness & everything bad.

The cynical voice in my head had turned menacing & hurtful… telling me LIES that I believed, “Nobody likes you, you know. You’re not good enough for anybody. You’re an idiot. You’re fat & ugly. No one wants you. Their lives are harder because you’re alive. You complicate everything. Their lives are more peaceful & happier when you’re not here. Why are you here? No one wants you. You’re annoying. You’re too loud. You talk too much. Look at the mistakes you’ve made… you can’t undo them. You are a broken person who can’t be put together again. It would be better if you didn’t exist. You just make life harder for everyone. You would be doing everyone a service to not be here anymore. You can’t ever get anything right. Your family doesn’t want you. Your friends think you’re a joke. God doesn’t care about you either, if He even exists. You’re all alone. Why are you still here?”

Those lies were my every moment. I couldn’t shut them up or drown them out.

Trying to “Fake It Til I Make It”

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shut off those voices in my head telling me life would be better without me in it.

I got so tired of asking for advice from others… because it never helped.

I started plastering on a smile that never quite reached my eyes & pretending that I was fine & I could handle it.

But I couldn’t.

Fading Away in the Silence

I was chipping away… My resolve weakening every time I cried.

I would be sitting in class, listening to that endless reel of hateful dialogue in my head & my eyes would burn with hidden tears.

I would write my hurt & fears in journals, needing to tell SOMEONE, only to end up sobbing at the fact that that “someone” was paper because I didn’t feel like I had anyone who understood the hell inside my head.

Sometimes I thought about suicide.

No One Understood, Not Even Me

I would try to tell someone, only to be mocked or teased or brushed off.

I would plaster a smile on my face that never quite reached my eyes.

I felt numb & hated & unloved. I felt angry & hurt & alone. I felt LOST in my sea of doubts, unable to find steady ground to hold on to.

My Secret Tears

I would come home from school so many days, grab my kitty “Valentine”, & slowly, quietly close & lock my bedroom door trying not to draw attention to myself, duck into my closet, underneath my row of clothes hanging above me, close the closet doors to block out the sunlight (& the sound of my sobs), & then wail into a pillow I had brought in with me, hugging my cat tightly under the other arm.

I spent several days a week like this for two years & I don’t know if anyone ever even knew.

My Life Began to Fall Apart

I hated my life & everything in it because I felt so alone & so unloved & so worthless.

The menacing whisper never let up either. It followed me everywhere I went, never letting my heart rest.

I felt constantly beat up by a relentless wave of self-hatred.

My grades began plummeting. Relationships became strained.

I was losing faith in myself & others seemed to follow suit.

Pray, Girl, Pray! … But I Did!

At this point, you might be thinking, “Michelle! Your advice is always ‘pray first!’ so why didn’t you do that???”

I prayed so much it hurt.

I felt that God had abandoned me… that my choices to slowly, gradually do things my own way had offended Him beyond repair.

I was a Christian who “knew” better & yet had still turned her back on God.

Why would He want me? … If He even existed (I wasn’t sure of anything anymore).

But I kept praying.

Is He Listening? Does He Care?

I wondered how God could love me & let me suffer.

I wondered if He had just created us & left us down here to suffer while He laughed & pointed out our failures.

I wondered if He was even real.

But I kept praying because I knew that if He was real, He’d be my only hope.

I Prayed… & I Hurt

If He was real, the way He describes Himself throughout the Bible, then He alone was powerful enough to clear my doubts & prove Himself as the one true God.

If He was real, He had the power to fix everything.

And yet, I kept hurting.

I kept hurting worse, with every day, or so it seemed to my breaking heart.

I felt alone.

Rays of Hope Broke Through

And there would come times where I thought I saw Him through the dark clouds that overtook me.

A ray of sunshine (of hope) would break through my heart.

I would think, “Hey, that seems to be God helping me… right when I asked Him for help, _______________ happened! Maybe God DOES care about us… about me!!!”

But the Doubts Always Seemed to Win

But then, another wave of darkness… I would brush off that ray of hope like a glitch… or maybe I had just felt stronger that day & had just thought it was God or maybe it’s because someone helped me other than God… or basically maybe it was anything but God.

So, I would keep praying. But I would keep trying to find hope my own way.

And things like that ray of hope would keep happening when I chose to pray.

And still I found a way to credit something else as the source… Something other than God.

I kept praying.

The Lost Man At Sea

Have you ever heard the story/joke about the man drowning, begging God to save Him?

Well, first someone throws him a life preserver, but he says, “No thank you! I am waiting for God to save me!”

Then a boat comes along & offers to rescue him as he screams to God for help… “No thank you!” he responds, “I am waiting for God to save me!”

Then a rescue helicopter comes & offers him a ladder to climb out of the choppy seas. “No thank you! I am waiting for God to save me!”

Well, eventually the man exhausts himself from treading water & crying out to God & the waves overtake him & he drowns at sea.

When he gets to heaven, he says, “God, why didn’t you save me?? I kept crying out to You!! Didn’t You hear me?? Didn’t You care?!?”

God patiently, gently rests His hand on the man’s shoulder & responds, “My son, I did hear you. I did listen. I sent you a life preserver, a boat, & finally a helicopter… But you didn’t accept any of it.”

That’s Where I Was… That’s What I Did

That was me during depression. I cried out to God. He responded. I accredited it to someone or something else & kept crying out to God to save me.

I would fall back into the darkness only to go back to relying on myself.

I doubted God too much to stay holding on to Him as my source for help because I didn’t know He was the One helping.

Thoughts of Suicide Became Plans for Suicide… But Then, GOD

And eventually, after years of asking (begging, through bleary eyes) for God to answer & clear up my doubts & to give me a true sense of hope & peace & security… I began to give up hope completely.

My temptation for suicide became more than just considerations… it became something that felt like my only hope.

No one wanted me (according to the lies in my head) & I wasn’t good for anything other than being a burden to everyone around me (again, the lies were ruthless & relentless).

No matter what I had tried to be strong enough, to smile through it, to think more positively, to ignore it, to find my own “happy”, to fight back, to be good enough… nothing EVER worked long term. They all crumbled eventually & they left me with nothing left to fight with.

I was done.

One Night… I Gave Up

And one night, through my desperate sobs, bringing me to my knees in my bedroom… Eventually weighing me down so much that I lay flat, face burrowed in the carpet…

I gave up fighting.

I was ready to die.

I was ready for the pain to stop because I couldn’t carry it anymore.

I didn’t feel I had any choice. I felt it was the merciful choice for a family & for friendships where I only caused them more drama, more burden, more pain.

I was ready to stop fighting. I had nothing left in me to try or to give.

I was tired & angry & hurt & felt unloved & invisible & mocked & ugly & fat & worthless & stupid & never good enough & weak & a burden. And I was so, so, SO tired.

One Night… I Stopped Trying to be “Strong Enough”

And as I lay there, face planted into the carpet, arms limp at my sides… legs lifeless… heart bleeding. No strength left to cry. Just numb & empty.

With barely a whisper worth of strength & hope left.

I prayed.

“God, don’t You hear me? Don’t I matter at all to You? Do You even exist? Are You laughing at me? Why won’t You help me? Why did You even make someone as worthless as me? [Sobs] I can’t do it anymore. I can’t fight. I have nothing left. If You are real, You are my ONLY option now nothing else works. My parents think I am drugged out. My sisters can’t seem to stand me… Many of my friends laugh at me like I’m a joke… My teachers don’t even bother anymore… I have nothing left. No one left. I can’t do it anymore, God. I’m not strong enough. If You really are God, You are my only hope. You are all that’s left. Please. Show me You are real, that You are near me & that You care for me. And if You can’t do that, kill me because I give up trying to be strong enough. Be my everything or let me die.”

One Night… God Changed EVERYTHING

And as my prayer faded… it happened.

Every ounce of hatred, of pain, loneliness, fear, doubt, anger, sadness, despair, sorrow, & everything that had pressed me down & down until I couldn’t stand anymore… EVERYTHING vanished in a single instant.

I felt a full breath of hope fill my lungs.

I felt goosebumps dance across every inch of skin.

I felt hope & love & joy & peace flood me like a rushing surge of water, racing to fill every broken place within me.

I felt FREE….

A smile danced at the corner of my mouth, erasing the bitterness & hopelessness.

I sat up, stunned.

I felt as if strong, warm arms wrapped around my entire self, squeezing the loneliness & fear into a safe embrace full of love.

And every doubt was shot dead in that one moment.

God Had a Plan That I Didn’t See… He Always Has a Plan

God wasn’t letting me suffer for the fun of it…. No!

He KNEW that unless He peeled away everything else that I clung to as my source of hope, I would just keep clinging to everything else but Him… Everything but real hope.

He knew those things weren’t my answer & that the lies I believed kept me imprisoned into believing I was left to rely on unsustainable, unstable sources… like myself… ones that crumbled & faded & ebbed & flowed.

He wanted me to know solid, secure ground. He wanted me to know what true, eternal hope felt like, apart from anything temporal & fleeting that I tried to cling to.

He knew that the ONLY way to show Himself as the One true source of Hope & Truth that would get my attention & STICK was to take everything else away where there was only Him left.

Truth Is Truth, & It SHALL Set You FREE!

I had asked, not for a temporary fix, but for TRUTH I could rest in & rely on & He did what He knew it would take to show me that it was found only in Him.

You see, if you are really seeking truth… not “truth” that you WANT to believe, but ACTUAL, REAL TRUTH… God is capable of knowing exactly how you will know 100% what that truth is. He can make it crystal clear (with no smudges of doubt!)

If you just want a “truth” that satiates you into living how you want, you will always be on the waves of the sea like I was… trying helplessly to cling to whatever you think might help, only to see it insufficient & far from lasting.

But if you want SURE faith that you can go ALL IN & not come out a fool.

If you want something you can securely build your life upon…

It’s in Him. It’s found ONLY Him.

So ask Him.

Not a SINGLE Regret… Only Praise! And Freedom!

If you think I regret for a SINGLE moment those several years of doubts & then depression & then eventual suicidal thoughts plaguing my life… you are DEAD WRONG.

I feel SO BLESSED & SO PRIVELEGED to KNOW 100% what I can count on.

Do I still make mistakes? Heck yes! Do I still have doubts pop up? Heck yes!

Is God patient to guide me & do I now finally have a source I can go to with FULL CONFIDENCE to answer those doubts with patience, love, grace, & TRUTH?

YES!!! A million times yes!

I Want You to Have Peace & Rest in REAL Truth… The Simple Grace Offered by Jesus

And I want that for you. It’s why I do this blog. It’s why I write when it’s not my strongest talent.

I want you to find that secure ground… That peace… That surety… That LOVE… & GRACE! I want you to know TRUTH!

 So come to Him with your doubts & don’t stop asking! He HEARS you!

Shine Hope, by trusting in the sure foundation of real, lasting, reliable TRUTH.

Coming Next Week

Join me next Monday morning EST to follow along with my journey of Pivot moments. I can’t wait to see you there!

And make sure to Subscribe (Join My Tribe), so you don’t miss it!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Quinn Necklace

This innovative statement piece is accented with white & silver beads & has a detachable bottom pendant (shown detached), creating two unique looks.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely! deused1 \lsd

A Quick Reflection

It has been so neat seeing God grow even me as I begin this blogging journey.

I began this journey expecting to inspire & encourage others, but as is true in most cases, the more I apply myself to pray over & encourage others in these areas, the more I inevitably grow & learn along the way.