A Jabbled Mind

I have a lot of stuff floating around my mind today. I have a big case of the, “I don’t wanna.”

Have you ever had days where you just can’t seem to sit down & concentrate on one thing? Because that’s totally me today.

Today has been a game of, “how long can I put off sitting down to write my blog, because I just can’t seem to sort out my thoughts & sit still for more than a few minutes at a time.”

But here I am, so that’s a start…?

Wanting to Blend In

Writing my blog these last two years has taken me on a crazy ride.

When I first started, I was afraid of not being a blend-in-able nobody.

I was basically afraid of facing the critical & harsh world of online/social media. I am most likely never going to be completely over this, I imagine, because one of my “love languages” is affirmation & while that means I flourish when others believe in me, negative responses make me want to quit.

I just pray about this & know that if/when it happens, I will just need to cling to God & step forward with His help, because this girl won’t make it far otherwise. (Good thing God is big enough for the both of us, huh?)

A Voice in the Wind

After praying over this anxiety & asking God to help me trust Him more than my fears, the blog began… & so did other, new worries.

Not too long after beginning my blog, Satan tried scaring me away from shining for Christ by making me feel like a voice in the wind.

I had such passion & excitement, mixed with diligent planning, praying, & preparations, to share my heart & point to Jesus’ hope in everything I talked about… but no one seemed to care one single bit.

It was pure crickets.

I felt alone. I felt my efforts were wasted. I felt my voice simply echoed over empty rooms.

He Is SO Worth It

But again, God is always ready to use faced trials in our obedience to follow His lead as an opportunity to teach & grow me & that, sister, is exactly what He did.

God showed me through that LONG time of silence a lesson about priorities.

Was my priority in being heard or in showing up in obedience to Jesus Christ whether I felt heard or not, shining a light of hope in Him no matter who noticed? Was my goal recognition or putting God’s glory first regardless?

Even If Just the Background Noise

It was through that wasteland of cricket responses that I learned that not everyone who notices will say so, but I should show up & point to Jesus Christ anyway.

It was through that wasteland that I learned that even if NO ONE was paying attention, silent or not, it was worth showing up for Jesus.

Even if to others I was just background noise that sang the praises of my Father God, I was willing to show up & keep being that background noise that always pointed to Him as my hope.

It wasn’t about me. It was about Him.

Growing Pains Lead to Growth

But, of course, the lessons didn’t stop there.

Next, after growing in understanding my need to turn to God in my fears & after licking my wounds of feeling invisible in my efforts & exchanging that perspective to just show up & point to Him anyway… Next came a new fear: Never feeling like I had anything important to say.

Satan keeps on coming & God keeps on using it to make my trust in God even stronger. Take that, Satan!

You can probably guess that God ALSO used this insecurity to grow me… He did. He’s always with me.

Not How Great I Am

It’s easy to look at my mistakes, my failures, my insecurities, my awkwardness (this one is a big one, y’all), my PAST, my lacking, my insufficiencies, my everything-that-is-less-than-perfect-about-me… & think to myself & to God, “God, are You kidding me? I canNOT do this! I mean, LOOK at me!? I am not worthy to be a voice for You. I am not good enough to stand up & shout Your glory. I will screw it up… completely. I am too imperfect for this. I can’t.”

But God’s voice comes as a gentle reminder over my heart, “I made you. I don’t make mistakes. You’re human & you’re limited, yes… But I am Almighty AND I love you beyond your comprehension. I will help you. I don’t need you to be perfect. I just need you to show up for Me & let Me work through it. Your flaws, My glory. Just show up. Lean into Me, let Me strengthen you, let Me lead, & just show up. The world needs more people willing to be a shining light of hope in the darkness of sin & despair. I am that hope. So, just show up & shine & let Me do the rest.”

Just SHOW UP

And so, I come each week, knowing some weeks I probably sound like a rambling baboon.

But I show up. Because He’s worth showing up for.

God’s Not Done with Me Yet…

And finally, there are days like today, that have been showing up more & more frequently & consistently lately—Not being able to sit still or concentrate & then procrastinating REAL hard as a result.

And, looking back at God’s track record above, through the struggles on my now 2-year journey with this blog (not to mention every other trial I have turned to Him with in my life), I am pretty confident that God has a plan in this struggle as well.

He’s Always with Me… & You

So, I turn to Him in it. I lay down my grief & whining & dragging of my feet. I open up honestly to Him about my cases of, “I don’t wannas.” And I ask for His help… for Him to speak to someone, anyone, even if just one person, through my chaotic mess of thoughts as I sit to write.

And hopefully that’s you. Hopefully this encourages you to take every struggle, every trial, every “I don’t wanna” to HIM & ask for His help through every one of them.

I Pray for EASY

Do I often wish & ask God to make it easier, with less struggle & trial on this blog journey? YES.

But then I would be even more tempted to stop relying on Him & start relying more on myself.

Relying on myself NEVER ends well.

So, I will forever be grateful for the trials that remind me of my GREAT weakness & His GREAT willingness to help me every step of the way.

God Is Infinite… With Infinite Love for Us

Satan may have a slew of tactics to keep us silent, make us want to quit, & distract us away from shining for Jesus… BUT, God is INFINITELY bigger AND opens His doors wide for our EVERY petition & request.

• NO request is too small. He is infinite.
• NO request is too big. He is infinite.
• NO request is too hard. He is infinite.
• NO request is too inconvenient. He is infinite.
• NO request is too silly or “inconsequential”. He is infinite.

Ask Him… No Matter WHAT Your Struggle Is… Just ASK HIM

JUST ASK HIM. Be honest & raw & real about your heart & your screw ups & your “I don’t wannas” & go ahead & ASK HIM FOR HIS HELP.

Shine Hope by taking your messes to our infinite, almighty, loving God & by asking Him for His help through every single one.

He is infinite AND He loves you, Beautiful.

(Done writing with 3 hours left before my deadline… not including the need to do editing, graphics, & my Join My Tribe emails… Boy, I cannot WAIT until the time change hits again, because then it will give me an extra hour I can procrastinate each week, haha. (We don’t have daylight savings time in Japan.) But maybe I should pray through that, too.) 😉

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

This blog/website has been running for TWO years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Radiant Necklace Set

On-trend set of 3 layered necklaces (only 1 shown) that can be worn together or separately, featuring a labradorite stone, hammered discs, and a blue topaz crystal drop.

Artisan Information:

In India, poverty is rampant & fair working conditions are hard to find. Every purchase provides women with income, access to healthcare, education for their children, & care for elderly family members. Many of these artisans have been exploited by sweatshops in the past but are now receiving fair wages as artisans in safe & caring fair-trade workshops.

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

How You Can Help:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

What I Have to Offer

I am nothing.

As I sat down to write this week’s encouragement post, I was left blank.

Not that I haven’t been thinking over this topic & mentally preparing to write it–I have–but as I sit to write, the words escaped me & I was left with a glaringly blank screen in front of me. All day.

I am reminded again & again that when I try to do things on my own, or simply to keep a schedule, words & actions come out flat & meaningless–like my prior edits to this post.

God Works Despite Our Failings

You see, God tells us some amazing things in the Bible. He is faithful. He is Good. He loves us all EQUALLY–even when we spit in His face, whether in ignorance or indignation.

But God is faithful. He showers blessings of hope & joy & love, whether we deserve it or not (Hint: We never really deserve it.)

And so here I am, once again being reminded of this astounding Truth–we need Him.

A Journey of Bitterness

Let me take you on a journey over my last year or so….

Rewind back to my arrival on Guam, six years ago. High hopes. Tropical island dreams floating in heart-shaped bubbles above my head. All full of confidence & a readiness to take on this new adventure on an island paradise. I was ready to jump in and be a light of hope & encouragement to everyone around me.

But then it happened… Discouragement hit me like a slap in the face.

I didn’t see it coming. But reality was cruel. Jamie, my husband, worked almost constantly & was away from home. I had little means of communicating with family or friends back home–plus an opposite time zone to work around. And most hopeful friends were so bogged down by work & other responsibilities, they hardly had time to breathe, let alone have the endless time to hang out like I did. That’s when I realized I was mostly alone.

Now, let’s stop here to consider a fact that I failed to capture in those moments–God can redeem alone time & spring wonderful things out of it. He can inspire growth & a chance to see Him work in our weaknesses, making His works stand out gloriously bright in our lives, in contrast… when we submit those hard moments to Him.

But for the most part, I didn’t.

I mostly only prayed for the loneliness to end. For comfort. For friends. I wanted my rosy view to return.

He didn’t answer the way I wanted Him to, so I took it as silence–when I should have stopped to ask Him how He would like that time to be used.

Bitterness took root.

And On Goes the Journey

Fast-forward to Chitose, Japan–three years ago. A hopeful beginning. A second chance to start anew. A chance to escape the loneliness. A chance for adventure in a foreign land.

I had dreams of clustering together with many other Americans to support each other in a foreign land. I had hopes of having English-speaking friends with whom we could learn the lay of the land together, ready to make new friends & form tight bonds.

Reality hit when I realized English was actually rarely spoken & other foreigners were few & far between. Add to that the fact that unless someone has lived far from other English speakers for several years, they simply don’t know the inevitable stress that you might manage every day, as your mind constantly tries to make sense of the foreignness around you everywhere you go–so even talking with friends can seem strained. I was alone again.

Again, I could have asked God to teach me how to handle it & still have had grand adventures, albeit alone, during those three years… But I wanted comfort. I wanted friends. I wanted my rosy view to return.

I mainly just wanted to feel some comfort & a sense of HOME somewhere.

Bitterness dug her claws deeper.

But Wait…

Fast-forward to close to a year ago. I was hit by the reality that bitterness & loneliness & stress from foreign living seemed to completely rule my life. I had become jaded & cynical in many ways--much darker than I was in the past.

I had pushed God out of that area of my life & as a result, that area was left cold & dark & empty.

I was growing numb to the concerns of others, too bogged down by my own pain & misery festering underneath the surface–even if I didn’t always consciously acknowledge that being the cause.

The waters were rising up, threatening to drown me out. I was losing hope that things could ever improve.

My stark callousness woke me up to my condition & I started praying a little differently. I started asking God to WAKE ME UP. I wanted Him to show me again His grace & love & to show me how much I really needed Him.

He Is LIFE

I knew from my past that where I was following Him, there was LIFE. I wanted that again.

But I had grown so cold that my heart had built a sort of stone wall to protect itself. I wanted it to come down. I wanted to let Jesus’ love & hope & peace & strength to come pouring over my cold heart so I could LIVE again. Really live.

I felt a small whisper on my heart when I started asking God to change me & wake me up… “I will. But it will take time.”

I knew it was the only way. He had to show me that it wasn’t magic that snapped me out, but rather a loving Father willing to take the time to teach me & guide me to Truth in a way that will stick in my mind & transform my heart.

A lasting change.

In the Now

Fast-forward to now, & there really isn’t ANY guarantee that things WILL ever improve.

That’s just life.

We live in a broken world, you & I. There WILL be pain & discomfort at times.

But that doesn’t mean God cannot work through it, Lovely.

The Secret to Life

And there you have it… That’s the secret to life–We can’t do it on our own–we were never meant to.

God offers Himself to us. Completely. With all His resources.

He offers grace & redemption & a CLEAN SLATE to anyone who asks Him whole-heartedly, too!! (*Read how on my Hope is Found page, here).

Why should we ever WANT to do it on our own?

Created FOR HIM

We are nothing. We are flesh & bones–tempted & weak & insufficient.

But He is everything. He is ALMIGHTY–All-Wise, All-Powerful, & All-Sufficient.

And He is faithful. He tells us that He rains on the just AND the unjust. That means, even when we KNOW with all certainty that we don’t deserve it, He still blesses us with GOOD things.

So the secret is out. We were created BY Him & we were created FOR Him. We are the created. He is the Creator. We are the clay. He is the Potter.

We were created to praise & honor & glorify our Creator., by loving Him & loving others. We were created to love & serve Him & others. We are offered all of His wisdom & strength & resources to accomplish what He sets before us.

We are nothing, but He is everything.

Not Easy, But Worth It

God didn’t give me an easy outflow for this post, by the way. I finished it merely an hour before it was to go live.

He allowed me to feel the discomfort of my insufficiency, but He did answer & He did provide. He is Good. And even if He hadn’t? He would have a reason for it & He would work through it for the best. It’s funny how amazing He is at that.

Shine HOPE, Lovely. HIS hope. Let everything flow out of this Truth. That we are His… Created by Him… Created for HIS glory & honor & praise.

Coming Up Next!

Make sure to check back in this coming Thursday to see this month’s special feature post (every last Thursday of the month), PART 2/2 of my short story, “Falling”! I can’t wait to share it with you!

A Note from Michelle:

If you want to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” & “Hope is Found” pages, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Sea Glass Necklace

The sea glass used by the artisans to create this piece was once collected from the shores of the Red Sea, but because of their recycling efforts, the beaches have become so clean that they now gather & upcycle bottles from locals hotels & restaurants before they are discarded. How beautiful! The glass is then tumbled in water from the Red Sea to create a similar look.

Artisan Information:

Many Jordanian women have their lives controlled by their closest male relative. They balance many customs at home, creating a lack of independence. Some of these women are divorced, widowed, or married to a man who may already have many wives. But amid struggles, these women we work with arrive to a family-like workplace. They can be heard singing, laughing, and drinking tea while creating our unique jewelry made from upcycled glass bottles. Your purchase empowers them with boldness and financial independence for the first time!

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in Jordan!

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE, Lovely!