Hold Up

I was reminded, upon completing last week’s post about “Falling in Love, Heartbreak, & Learning to Trust God’s Plan,” that I neglected to mention a special pivotal moment of discovering who God made me to be, despite who I thought I was already.

Shaping Our Identity

Growing up, we all sort of grow to believe who we think we are, based on what our parents or others say about us or based upon stereotypes that the world presents to us.

We form our idea of “self” based on so many different internal & external factors: our desires, our fears, our insecurities, our successes, our failures, our wants & the way others view us or talk about us (among many other things).

We also create habits of self-protection to either save face or prevent a future hurt.

Insecure & Unsatisfied

For me, I grew up severely insecure about my appearance—so much so that I would shower with a t-shirt on & was afraid to see my face in the mirror because I was too afraid to look at myself.

I saw myself as unlovable & disgusting.

But, in my late teens/early twenties, I was determined not to stay stuck in a place of self-loathing because, like so many of us, I just desperately wanted to feel like I was worthy to be loved by someone.

I Had a Plan… A Plan That Backfired

So, instead of praying about it, I created a self-protection technique to help me get attention (which I thought was basically proof that I could be wanted & therefore, loved.

Besides deciding to shower in a t-shirt & avoid mirrors, I also self-protected by deciding to dress in a way that drew attention to my “assets” by wearing low-cut shirts & short shorts.

I thought attention to my body was the same as attention to me. (I was wrong.)

And, to top it off, I grew accustomed to speaking in such a way that way that each sentence was dripping with innuendos & flirtatious banter.

I taught myself how to make anything into a dirty joke because it proved effective in getting that attention I craved.

When I admitted to being a virgin at the time, people actually laughed heartily because I was so convincing to the contrary. I was proud of that (but a little hurt).

Getting Attention… But Something Felt Off

Perfecting the role I had assumed, I made more friends & got loads more attention.

I thought it was great. I enjoyed the power trip & the confidence that came with it.

But something just felt off.

The attention I was getting made me feel objectified more than loved or cared for. It made me feel icky.

Maintaining the Façade

I felt like I had to maintain this persona in order to feel worth anyone’s time or attention, but sometimes I just didn’t feel like I was being authentic… Like I was keeping up an act in order to stay appealing.

I guess that’s why my heart cries out toward actors & singers & other celebrities. Maintaining an air of perfect “I get along with EVERYbody ALL the time,” is just hard & quite frankly unattainable.

Everyone deserves an opportunity to just wear a messy bun, sweatpants, talk about things that aren’t as “appealing” to others, & just be real. No one is perfect. No one.

But I tried to be. I got pretty good at reading people & would adjust my personality or talk to make myself more appealing. I wanted to be liked & loved.

But like I said, it wore on me. I felt tired of keeping up this image.

I wanted to just slice through the fake efforts, just be myself & have that be enough for someone.

Who Am I If Not This?

But the biggest problem was, I didn’t know who I actually was without this personality I had invented.

I didn’t know how many friends I would have left if I didn’t keep up this image… this act.

I didn’t want to risk losing everyone… my circle… my net… my support.

I didn’t want to be alone.

I didn’t want to be unwanted.

So, I kept it up & dug in deeper to this image of confidence I portrayed to the world.

Unwanted Wanting

Guy friends ended up taking more “liberties” with me than I felt comfortable, but I was too worried about seeming insecure, about breaking the mirage I tried so hard to maintain.

And by the time it broke my heart enough (& with the supportive help of a good friend coaching me through it (Thank You, JD!), when I finally started standing up for myself… they got aggressive about it.

I was sexually assaulted by several friends, several times.

I was starting to realize that I no longer wanted so much attention.

I started to hate my persona.

I started to hate who I had become. Who I thought I was.

I felt so afraid because I didn’t know if that really was me, & if it wasn’t, I didn’t know who I was. I was afraid to lose everyone.

Finally… I Prayed

I was afraid that if I let the façade slip… if I faced depression again… if I didn’t try hard to be so loyal & friendly & a great listener & flirtatious & on & on & on, then any guy I dated would just walk away.

But I couldn’t keep the mask on forever.

So, I started to finally pray.

“God, I don’t know who I am. I don’t feel like I have any value. I feel unlovable. I don’t feel like I am special or desirable. I am afraid of being alone & unloved. I am afraid of being so ugly & not feeling like I have anything else to make anyone think twice about me. I don’t know who I am outside of this. This feels like me. It comes so naturally to me… but something about it hurts… Like I have to ALWAYS be this way in order to keep anyone around. God, I feel like this is me, but I guess You made me, so I guess if anyone knows who I am meant to be, it’s You. Show me YOUR potential for me. Show me YOUR design. Show me who YOU created me to be. And help me to trust You if I lose everything in the process. Please help me!!”

It was a scary & difficult prayer to pray, but I prayed it so many times I lost count.

I Wanted God’s Way… I Didn’t Want to Feel Used & Fake Anymore

I was desperate to feel like there was more to me than this fake girl who always had to make everyone happy 100% of the time & drew in people who took advantage of me just to feel like I had some worth.

God had to know. And I needed to know.

I needed to find me… His way… His plan… His design.

And guess what, Beautiful, He began to show me.

God Makes All Things New

Slowly, gradually, the fake flirtatious persona began to fade away as opportunities for dirty jokes would come up & just seem to be unappealing… I would just feel disgusted, like, “No, I am worth more than that. I don’t have to make people think about sex in order to be valued.”

It was a hard road & I ended up stepping away from several friendship circles, but I suddenly didn’t care so much.

I felt confident & free. I felt like I was finally myself (& I was finally okay with that!)

Who Do You Let Define YOU?

You see, it’s easy to let the world define us.

It’s easy to let our past define us.

It’s easy to let our inner cut-downs define us.

But we need to learn to let GOD define us.

God created you, Beautiful… & He doesn’t make mistakes.

God MADE You

Maybe you don’t measure up to what your parents, siblings, family, friends, or to what the world thinks you should be: prettier, smarter, thinner, more fashionable, more fit, more creative, less creative, blonder, darker, lighter, taller, shorter, curlier hair, straighter hair, etc….

But GOD MADE YOU.

We try to fashion ourselves into the niche we feel we belong based on the facts we believe about ourselves or what we believe others want from us…

But GOD MADE YOU.

Lean into Him. Ask Him. Ask Him to show you His design for you.

And don’t be satisfied to stop praying until you see Him begin to shape you & change you from the inside out… an inner confidence based on His design & your worth based on His love & care for you.

GOD MADE YOU.

Take Your Presuppositions & Pray About Them

And I can tell you from personal experience, that if you take your presuppositions & assumptions about who you think you are or who you think you have to be or are supposed to be… & you take that to Him in prayer, to trade it for HIS DESIGN instead… You will NOT be disappointed.

In fact, you will finally feel like YOU.

Imagine that!

Trust Him always, Darling. He loves you infinitely & He doesn’t make mistakes, no matter what anyone says about you (or no matter what you say to yourself—stop that inner self-hate dialogue!)

Trust Him. Always. Trust His DESIGN.

Shine Hope by being your beautiful, God-designed SELF!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Chelsie Necklace

This curved bar necklace features gold & rose gold tones. Hanging from a gold colored chain, this piece was named after one of our co-founders because of her golden & modern style, along with her passion for using sustainable business to end poverty.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Closing a Chapter

Well, this week closes out this series on intentionality with regards to growing your relationship with God & to finish it up, let’s talk about being intentional with how we love others.

The Bible mentions the need to love others again & again, which shows me how important this topic is to God. That is why I want to make sure we take some time to cover this in a little more detail.

Why?

People are all around us. Every person has a different story, full of their own personal life experiences, hurts, struggles, insecurities, & God-given gifts—some of which they may never share with you, even if you’re close to them.

Every person is also equally loved by God & equally offered His gift of redemption. Read my story of redemption & learn how to find your own, here.

Last week’s post (Read it, here), talked about Purposeful Fellowship, & the importance of being purposeful with how we spend time with & love our friends.

But this week, let’s go a little broader.

When We Feel Limited

As mentioned above, people matter to God & people are everywhere around us & people have secret hurts/insecurities/struggles that they may never share with anyone other than their closest friends.

Because of this, we need to make it a priority to spread love with whomever we come in contact.

It may seem a little out of our comfort zone to purposefully love others who don’t expressly make mention of their needs or ask directly for help, but here are some quick ways to begin training yourself to live love intentionally each day:

1. Pray about it—God knows your insecurities or hesitations in this area & He has unique ways to specifically help you to grow in this area, but it takes practice learning to set aside our apprehensions & get in the habit of asking Him for help versus avoiding the discomfort altogether. So, when you feel that hesitation, stop & ask Him for courage, opportunity, & inspiration on how to live love.
2. Take the “Love on Purpose Challenge”—Every day, choose one friend (or acquaintance) whom you possess their phone number, email, or other means of reaching them, & send them a quick message asking how they are & whether you can be praying for them in any specific way (& then pray for them!) We live in such a digital age, & it can be easy to feel invisible in the mass of social media buzz, so take time to single someone out & show them that you see them & love them.
3. SMILE!—Show your beautiful smile to the world! You never know when a quick moment of eye contact coupled with a polite smile can mean the world to someone who feels overwhelmed or alone in the world. So, smile away!
4. Love in the Little Things—Courtesy can go a long way in expressing care for another person’s well-being. Take the time to hold the door open just a little longer & smile as you pass it on. Rush to help someone pick up something dropped. Offer to get someone at your table a refill when you get up to get your own. Be courteous & be kind. It goes a long way to make this world a kinder place to live in!
5. Be the Welcome Party—If you have a new co-worker, a new neighbor, or see someone new at church, take time to go over & introduce yourself with a few quick questions to show attentiveness. Maybe even invite them to meet for lunch or invite them to an outing. It’s hard being new, so remember that as you show care & love to them. Try some of these questions:

• Are you new to the area? Where did you travel from?
• What brought you to the area?
• What hobbies or activities do you typically enjoy with your free time?
• Would you like to get coffee or join in for lunch afterwards? (Only with females—otherwise you might give the wrong impression of flirtation.)

There are so many ways that we can intentionally share love around us. Sometimes it can be hard to notice those ways when we are consumed by our own stressors & routine, but it is always worth it to spread some more hope & love out there to make the world a more pleasant place to live.

A Personal Story

I remember being in middle/high school & feeling so alone, especially during my freshman & sophomore years, as I was struggling with crippling depression.

No one knew.

Even my family was clueless. They knew something was wrong, but usually assumed it to be teenage rebellion, attitude, & hormones.

But for me, I was fighting each day to convince myself to hold onto life one more day. I was being suffocated & strangled by the torturously cruel thoughts (lies) that haunted & attacked me daily. It was like fighting for my life every day, & that got to be too difficult to even try. Read more about my struggle with depression & my road to hope, here.

You see, the world around me kept moving forward, but I felt like the kink in the wheel that was holding everyone back from being happy.

I felt like “the problem” because I couldn’t “fix myself.”

But no one knew that I was battling for my life every day, because I would smile on the outside & cry when alone in the dark.

It is Okay to Not Be Okay

It’s important to actively seek to love people around us because no one’s life is perfect, & others have lives that are far from perfect—suicidal thoughts, family abuse, etc.

And maybe that’s you. Maybe you’re the one fighting to survive each day.

Darling, you are beautiful & worth it.

And let me tell you something… IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY.

Don’t pressure yourself to fit the mold if you are struggling with a mental illness like depression, anxiety, etc.

Seek help through counseling & find friends who will love you AS IS & who will just will pray with you, without expecting you to “snap out of it.”

You are worth it.

God knows your struggle & He will NEVER waste your pain. So, give it to Him & ask for His consoling love & hope.

Make an Impact

But if that is not your situation, remember that others DO struggle secretly, even if in a much less severe & debilitating way. Everyone has times where stress overwhelms us or chaos rules the day. And everyone is worth a world of love because God loves them that much, too.

Be kind.

On purpose.

Love intentionally.

It’s a Pretty Big Deal

Pray about it. Pray when faced with an opportunity to love. Smile at others. Be courteous. And take time to show love in the little (or BIG) things.

We are called to walk in love as Christ also has loved us & given Himself for us.

That’s a big deal.

So, if it intimidates you or doesn’t come naturally to you, then pray about it & do it anyway. It will come easier to you the more you put it in practice, until you don’t even have to think about it anymore.

So just start somewhere & love intentionally.

Shine HOPE.

Coming Next Week

Now that I have spent a few weeks talking about the importance of intentionality in our walk with Christ, tune in next week as I introduce our next area of intentionality. 🙂

A Note from Michelle:

If you want to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” & “Hope is Found” pages, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Pearls of Hope Bracelet

This multi-threaded bracelet is accented with freshwater pearls.

Artisan Information:

In remote areas of Thailand, we focus on restoring the strength of women in their country as artists. Your purchase empowers a diverse people, from the Karen Hill tribe, the Thai people, and the Hmong women. In this area, jobs are limited. Many women have to move to the city to find work and have to leave their children. Your purchase will help mothers stay in their hometown and earn an income, allowing them to take care of their children and watch them grow up!

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in Thailand!

(*Also pictured: Beloved Necklace (with artisan fingerprint) & Stardust Studs*)

(**Matching Pearls of Hope Necklace, also available.**)

(***The Love Bowl, featured in this post’s featured image, is also available & supports women in India!***)

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE, Lovely!!

Growing

Announcer’s Voice: “This week, on Intentionality…!”

Haha, that’s how I am starting to feel with this series, but to be honest, intentionality is an area where I fail daily, so it’s helpful to flesh it out, see where I could pick up the slack, & also encourage others where I might be getting something right.

So, let’s dive right into our next area of focus with regards to intentionality—”Purposeful Fellowship.”

Making it Matter

How often have I hosted game nights or coffee dates with friends & missed opportunities to reach into their lives to really bless them?

Have you ever had a friend whom every time you met with her, you left feeling refreshed, renewed, inspired, & ready to take on the world?

I have, & what a blessing those friends are!

It always seems like they are so wise & so patient. It is so easy to assume that they are naturally this way (and maybe, to some degree, they are), but it’s also important to realize that ANY of us could have that sort of impact on our friends.

Woah, Woah, Woah

Now, for me, being reminded that ANYONE is capable of having this impact on others, immediately causes me to recoil into defensiveness.

The “lazy me” (& maybe “selfish me”) begins to think:

“I can’t do that.”

“They may be gifted with that, but not me.”

“I can’t put that pressure on myself.”

“When I’m with friends, I don’t want to pressure myself because I need encouragement.”

“I don’t know how to be that kind of friend.”

But really, if I am completely honest with myself, I know that although it may come more naturally to others, we are all capable of being that kind of friend.

How? Start by praying about it.

Pray About It & Have a Plan

Frame it this way… When you make plans with a friend, start praying about that upcoming encounter as you go about your time leading up to it. Pray for that friend & pray about how you can be intentional in loving that friend.

Because really, God knows your friend better than you do! God knows how to kick past all of the pretense to the real needs she might have.

Be intentional about how you spend time with your friends.

When you hang out, try one (or all) of these ideas:

1. Ask your friend if there’s something specific you can be praying for her.
2. Ask your friend how God has been leading or growing her lately.
3. Ask your friend if she has any needs where you can help relieve the burden.
4. Ask to pray with/for your friend before you close out your time together.

Be intentional! You won’t be disappointed!

Reality Check

This does not at all come naturally to me, as you could probably tell from the list of excuses I provided above, but I have never been disappointed when I took the time to do this.

Also, I’m pretty insecure sometimes… which makes me a little nervous stepping out of my comfort zone.

I don’t know why, but since friendly conversation doesn’t always naturally lean in that direction of focusing thoughts back on God & on intentionally encouraging each other beyond the basics, being intentional here makes me feel a bit insecure—like someone is going to think I am self-righteous or something.

But why should that hold me back from being a blessing to my friendships?

And why would I think encouraging & lifting up my friend sounds self-righteous?

My insecurities & fears like to dictate how I interact with others, & that is why it is SO VITAL to make sure we start praying about it beforehand.

Take the time to dig a little deeper than the surface with your friends. Put yourself on a limb to lift them up. Let God guide your thoughts, words, & actions so you are not putting the weight of your insecure thoughts on yourself. He can handle it.

A Tip for the Holidays

Holidays are a great time to be intentional with our interactions, while also putting a theme to it!

Here’s a little something I do, in order to bring focus back to God, when getting together with friends for Thanksgiving:

1. I cut out different large leaves & write verses about thankfulness on each one.
2. I pass them out to our guests.
3. We take time to each read our leaf.
4. Then we go around the room & each pray what we are thankful for. (*We used to just go around saying what we are thankful for, but we realized, “Why not just tell God what we’re thankful to Him for, versus telling each other what we’re thankful to Him for?”)
5. To close, I give them each a cute printout containing all of the verses that were read that day, so they can reflect on it later. (*I will probably add this as a Bonus Downloadable when we get closer to Fall).

Push Through with Prayer

So be creative in how you bring the focus back to what really matters: pointing each other back to the HOPE of Christ & encouraging each other along the way.

It may not come naturally for you, but God is able to cut through the fears & insecurities & bless your time with friends. So always pray about it, friends!

Live intentionally & Shine Hope!

Coming Up

Make sure to tune in next week for “Intentionality-Living Love.” I hope this week has been an encouragement & please be praying for me as I prepare for each week’s post, so that I can clearly present a message that inspires you to live with intentionality. Love you!!

A Note from Michelle:

If you want to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” & “Hope is Found” pages, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Western Stud Trio

These simple yet modern studs come in a set of three pairs: a golden, a silver, and a rose gold pair.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, and receive education and healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in India!

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thanks, Lovely!