Almost the End to a New Beginning

Well, we are one “Pivot” moment away from finishing this series! That’s so hard to believe after these (including this one) 14 “Pivots” that we have walked through together.

A Different Sort of Autobiography

It has always been a dream of mine to write an “autobiography”, not of what amazing things I have accomplished or done, but what God has worked in my life that I never saw as possible from my human perspective.

Being given the opportunity to share all of these moments with you has been a pleasure, especially the reminders, even for myself, of all that God has done & is capable of doing in our lives as we lean into Him.

Maybe someday I will better edit all of these “Pivot” stories into that autobiography of sorts. I guess we will see where God leads!

Trouble in Paradise

But, for today, we are talking about a touchy (& freeing) topic.

It’s touchy because a lot of hurt often surrounds this topic, but it’s freeing knowing the right perspective of leaning into God above all else, whether things work out or not.

“Trouble in Paradise”, as I have titled it, is a story of God doing what I felt was the impossible… bridging the gap in marital (or relational) trouble.

In It Together

You see, after God had led every step of our dating relationship as we leaned into Him consistently for direction & answers (read more, here), we felt like our bond was unbreakable.

We were bound together by trust in Him & a friendship built on Him.

Nothing could shake us.

We had aired all of our “dirty laundry” by sharing our deepest shames & hurts & mistakes… but we were forgiven.

We had shared all of our quirks… but we were accepted.

We had faced hurt & struggle… but had prayed through it all… together.

After the “Happily Ever After”

But then we moved to Guam… 3 months after we were married.

And things weren’t as great anymore.

We started out strong, but between the stress of adjustment to life on the other side of the globe & Jamie working 12 hour shifts several days a week (& usually taking on extra shifts for co-workers), let’s just say that it began to take its toll on us.

I felt neglected. He felt over-worked & stretched thin.

I felt bored & restless. He felt exhausted & ready to crash.

I felt alone & in need of company. He felt over-stimulated & in need of alone time.

We felt placed on opposite ends of every spectrum, unable to bridge the divides that seemed to be getting wider every month.

Beginning to Feel the Strain… Pull Us Apart

Fights became easier. Disagreements & misunderstandings were more common. Emotions were high & needs were left unmet on both sides.

We were strained & frustrated & tired.

My needs became a burden on us both—not because he didn’t think they or I were important, but because after work, he had nothing left to give.

Personal Perceptions Are Often Deceptive

But I felt like he must think me & my needs unimportant because they were SO important to me & yet he still didn’t meet them.

And he felt like I was putting too much pressure on him because he was already exhausted from work every day.

We were disconnected & hurt.

We argued & fought & stormed off & shut doors more forcefully than necessary.

We hurt.

I found myself often crying alone, curled up on the floor of our bathroom, with the lights out.

What I Wanted

I had heard that marriage was hard, but I felt like I had lost my very best friend, just by getting married to him.

I wanted to leave him & go back to America & be with my family & friends.

I wanted the hurt to stop.

I was learning very clearly in that time the truth that our spouse is not meant to fulfill our needs.

Only God can do that.

It’s Not Like the Movies… But It’s So Much Better

But culture sings a different tune, one where our spouse, who probably wishes they actually could, can fulfill all of your dreams & make you the happiest person imaginable.

And we probably still want to do that, but realistically, we don’t have the power to do that.

We have our own fears, hurts, insecurities, weaknesses, trauma, shortcomings, failures, etc. & when you join two imperfect people, you’re obviously going to have an imperfect marriage.

So Much Freedom in Removing That Expectation!

And oh the burden we are freed from when we realize that being our spouse’s EVERYTHING is not our purpose or even in our ability.

And oh the freedom it GIVES our spouse to release them from that supposed expectation.

Then, How?

So how did we do it? How are we good friends & happily married after the battle wounds we received in that painful couple years?

Prayer.

That’s right… prayer.

But, I Didn’t Start There

But, like I said, I first resorted to balling up in figurative tears (Fun Fact: I can’t cry actual tears) & wanting to quit it all & run from the hurt.

I resorted to wanting to bail & start over at home with my family. I wanted to give up because I felt so unloved.

But Jamie still loved me terribly, & through the deep ache, I loved him just as much… so why weren’t we able to express that to each other?

My Ache Turned Into My Prayer

At the end of one of our arguments, I was laying in bed, with my back turned to Jamie… silently sobbing into the edge of my pillow, begging God for help & pouring out my heart to Him like I had done countless times before on the floor of our bathroom.

“God, why is this happening! Why do I feel like Jamie & I are so far apart?! How did we get here!? I miss him so much & I HATE that we’re always at odds with each other… but I feel like no matter what, we’re never on the same page… like he doesn’t ever care about me! I feel so alone & betrayed. I thought he loved me but he gets mad or frustrated when I even want to spend time with him & he just plays video games alone in his spare time, with his headphones on, like I am just a home accessory!! He used to make me feel like his whole world & now he barely even talks to me. I hate my life here. I hate what this job has taken from me… from us. I want him back but that seems impossible now. Too many things we can’t take back & too many misunderstandings & disagreements. I don’t even feel like I know him anymore… Like I have been tricked. Did he never really love me? How can he act so callously toward me? Help us. Show us the way back to each other. PLEASE. Help us. Help me. I don’t know how to get back to him anymore & I miss him so much. Please show me what to do.”

God’s Response… God’s Solution… Trust HIM

… “Ask him to pray with you.”

That was the simple thought the washed over my mind like a gentle breeze.

“Ask him to pray with you.”

But I didn’t want to.

Did Jamie even care? Did he even want us back? If he cared, he would have tried already. (So many insecurities rushed over my heart.)

“Ask Him to pray with you.”

FINE. But I don’t want to.

And When I Obeyed God’s Guiding, God Healed

“Jamie, we should pray.”

“Ok.”

And so he prayed a prayer that shocked & shook me & expressed all the love for me that I was afraid wasn’t there.

To paraphrase his prayer:

“God, I don’t know what to do. We can’t seem to get along. I love Michelle, but I am too tired. I am stretched thin at work & I just don’t have the energy to be what she needs me to be. It hurts that I don’t feel like I can help her & it’s frustrating. Help me know what to do. Please help her hurt. Amen.”

And then I prayed my hurt out loud, too.

And we both cried & we hugged each other & just clung on.

God Knew How

It ended up that we genuinely both wanted a solution but neither of us new how to make it happen, were doing the best we knew how, & had different expectations on what that should look like.

And when we started both turning to God, instead of ourselves or each other, as the solution, God started to shape us & guide us along a path to help us both care for each other.

We became more understanding of each other’s needs, while not trying to meet them in our own wisdom or understanding, but by God’s.

We began letting go of the expectations we had placed on the other person to meet our needs & started leaning into God instead.

And we began to heal.

Start Looking to God for the Answers

God was the glue that took our efforts & our understanding & all of our other limitations & acted as our bridge to cover the great divide for us.

We stopped looking inward to fulfill each other.

We stopped looking to each other to fulfill ourselves.

And we started looking to God, together.

He is our glue. He is our bridge. He is our wisdom & solution. He is our strength.

A Work in Progress, Led by Grace

Do we still have disagreements & misunderstandings & occasional bad attitudes that we really shouldn’t be taking out on each other but it’s far too easy to do? Yes.

But we know the way back now. PRAYER. Leaning into GOD.

And we’re learning to turn to God BEFORE it gets bad, knowing we will reach the end of our limitations far sooner.

We’re human & we mess up. We are learning, but we don’t always get it right.

But God is the solution to that, too… because He will never stop working on our hearts. He is always ready to give grace as we grow toward Him.

He is a Good, Good Father.

Shine Hope, by letting God be your glue… & your bridge… to healing.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Restoring Hope Necklace

This versatile necklace features mother of pearl in hues of black on one side & off-white on the other, hanging from an antiqued brass chain.

Artisan Information:

In Asia, poverty leads many women to be sexually exploited in brothels. These women want to provide for their families but have so few options. But through your purchase, women are being rescued from these brothels & rehabilitated. Holistic care is given to these women, including a shelter, job training, healthcare, counseling, & educational grants for themselves & their children. You can help these women experience restoration for their future!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Asia!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

God Will Continue to Work

Well, we’re nearing the end of my pivotal moments series (for now). I know God will continue to shape me & continue to shake up my normal for His truth.

Trusting God AND Ourselves… Versus Just God

Today, we are following last week’s topic about trusting God through our struggles instead of coming up with our own solutions that, in turn, create new problems. (Like trusting in singleness & then panicking when God brings a relationship into your damaged heart life.)

It’s far too easy to try trusting God AND our own solution, versus JUST trusting GOD.

We tend to think the two are the same thing. Saying to ourselves & others, “I prayed (therefore, “trusting God”), but then I will do what I think will fix it versus waiting for His solution.”

So, it warrants a discussion about praying our way through fears, & trusting God, when we’re tempted to rely on our own strategy, “wisdom,” fears, etc.

(To read our Love Story, in short story form, check them out by clicking Part 1 & Part 2.)

But How?

But how does God answer our prayers? What does “trusting God only” even mean? How do we know what He wants when it’s different than what we want? How do you hear God’s answers? How do you even know His will if you can’t HEAR Him?

Those types of questions are so common & I have thought ALL of them. I still don’t have a comprehensive understanding of how God works & will probably always have something to learn when it comes to the answers to those questions.

But God oftentimes (pretty much exclusively) leads us with baby steps, versus dumping all of His infinite knowledge on us all at once.

Remember, He is an INFINITE God.

We, on the contrary, are FINITE.

But, baby steps.

So, when my now husband, Jamie, entered my life, I first panicked, then prayed.

Unbeknownst to Me

But unbeknownst to me, Jamie was already praying… & not about wanting a relationship with me.

He was ALSO praying to avoid another heartache.

But God kept nudging him… to me.

He kept avoiding… kept praying to stay single… but God would not let him ignore me.

It wasn’t a push to get married, just an undeniable push to befriend me.

This obviously clashed with my desire to avoid him at all costs, haha. Thanks, God.

And when I could no longer avoid him, upon him asking me on our first date, I finally had to stop running & start praying.

Praying My Desire Versus Praying to Trust God’s Plan

Now, let’s be clear that I HAD been praying the whole time… but not for God’s will, wisdom, & direction… but for me to stay single (what I thought I wanted aka what I thought would keep me safest from heartbreak).

And now, I had to make a clear decision & I had to ask God’s will & guidance & HELP. I had to be willing to trust God with both scenarios of relationship or singlehood, not just singlehood.

My Prayer

But then God whispered on my heart, “Do you remember what you have been praying these last few years?”

I did. It went something like, “God, help me to trust Your plan & not just the fears or perceptions I see in front of me. Help me to see that if I marry, you are wanting me to marry a man that will grow into the man I need, versus someone perfectly fit right now. Help me to see Your will above my own. Help me to not judge someone based on their NOW, versus Your potential within them. If I marry, Lord, help it be someone who is willing to let me down in order to follow YOUR LEAD. Because You know far better what’s best for me than I do. And, Lord, because I will no longer flirt or “help things along”, I will go on at least ONE date with a man willing to ask me out when I have shown zero interest… knowing how much courage that takes. Amen.”

Well, now a guy was asking me out & I had to put my faith to the test.

I had prayed those things more than I could count. And now was my opportunity to trust God’s answer & His willingness to lead me every step.

And He did.

(But I still freaked out & panicked & wanted to bail along the way, because fear is quite a motivator.)

Ask Anyway…

But for those of you who have those questions of how God could even help… & so avoid asking God for help in those moments, wondering what God could possibly do that you haven’t already tried yourself (sounds arrogant & completely ridiculous just writing it, doesn’t it?… but isn’t that what we sort of feel, if we’re completely honest with ourselves?)… I want to share my journey & what God did for me in the midst of my questions.

My pastor friend told me many times while dating my now husband, “God is not a God of confusion. If you want answers & you seek Him for those answers, He WILL answer you… you just need to wait on God’s timing for those answers & trust that HE is capable.”

Waiting on God for Every Step, Like a Daughter Dancing on Her Father’s Feet

And so, despite my inner rebel telling me to flee the scene & not risk another heartbreak, I kept praying & I took those baby steps, waiting on God’s timing & God’s answers instead of trusting my own fear & worry.

Here are some ways I prayed & ways that God answered me along the way:

(HINT: God is an infinite God. What He guides me through is not a cut & paste testimony, but rather an EXAMPLE of how personal God is with us, when we let Him. Don’t rely on how God led ME in lieu of letting Him lead YOU. What worked for me may not work for you. You have to take steps of trusting Him with your own situation. He will guide you!)

1. Praying Before We Even Met

As I mentioned before, it’s important to be praying beforehand so you are prepared to follow & listen to God when you DO meet. Pray for discernment, peace, wisdom, trust to follow God whether in singleness or marriage… & anything else that comes to mind or worries you.

But, if you’re already in a relationship, it’s never too late to start.

2. Pray, Willing to Give It Up If It’s Not God’s Guiding

Along the way, I prayed for God to guide me… for Him to kick me out of the dating relationship, with completely clear certainty, if it wasn’t His best for us. (I was sort of hoping He would kick me out of it so the risk of heartbreak would evaporate with it.)

I prayed not to cling, not to romanticize, not to make anything more than it was. I prayed for God’s perspective to overshadow my own. I prayed to be willing to allow His will to trump mine.

3. Praying for Perspective When You Meet

I knew I was a daydreamer, wrapped up in every new possibility….

And I felt God nudging my heart in a very specific way during the beginning of my time with Jamie, “Michelle, you fall head over heels immediately when a guy holds your hand & holds you in long, comforting hugs… & if you really want to stay objective to knowing My will, you know you need to avoid physical affection because that’s a personal weakness & trigger for you.”

And so, I set strict physical contact boundaries for our dating relationship. No hugs, no kisses, no holding hands, no arms around the shoulder… & no sex. And I stuck to it.

I wanted to know Jamie for who he was, not for how he made me feel. Feelings change. I wanted more than temporary, unreliable feelings.

4. Praying Over Character/Personality & Whether It Was a Good Match with How God Designed Me

Clashes happen a lot in marriage, even when you’re “a good fit for each other.”

God had shown me different character traits that were important to me along the way, such as being willing to displease me in order to obey God… Or someone who was a kind & gentle listener, seeking to understand & discuss, versus brush off… Someone who, even with flaws & weaknesses, sought to know & love God more… not to just be a “good enough person.”

I prayed often over very specific things, asking God to show me if Jamie at least had that potential &/or willingness to grow… WITHOUT me prompting it… (& that is an important distinction)! If he knew I felt I needed certain traits & he liked me, don’t you think he would do his best to be that for me? But no, I wanted to hear it from God, not Jamie… so I never once hinted at my hopes.

My prayers were silent, between me & God only.

And every prayer resulted in Jamie telling me something like this the next day or so, “I don’t know why, because this seems really random to talk about, but I feel like telling you this story about one time when [enter a story about said character trait that I had recently prayed about here] happened.”

Blew my mind every time, but God was constantly finding ways to reaffirm His guidance in our relationship, because I was diligently seeking His will first.

5. I Set Boundaries of Potential Relationship Timing & PRAYED

After pouring out my heart to Jamie, after our very first date, expressing all of my fears & concerns, I asked him to wait THREE months before even considering asking to make it an official relationship. Friends only–no relationship talk, no romance, nothing. Just friends–for three MONTHS.

And I prayed & asked God for His wisdom & guidance & timing & I didn’t even dare try to “help it along” … I just waited on God.

Coupling with my desire to be with a man willing to disappoint me in order to obey God’s leading, I asked God to have Jamie go against my three-month request in order to ONLY trust God, even at the risk of scaring me away for good. I asked for God to push Jamie to ask me before the end of three WEEKS’ time.

And I didn’t ONCE even HINT that I was praying that as a confirmation from God. Not once.

And guess what… On December 31^st, mere hours before the three week time frame was over, Jamie spoke up… “Michelle, I have been praying like you asked me to, for God’s will & timing versus my feelings & I got my answer a couple days ago, but have continued praying & continued waiting because you told me not to even bring it up until three months, but I can’t shake the feeling that I am supposed to tell you now. I have been battling it all day & praying it away because I am terrified of scaring you away, but I feel like God wants me to say it now, so I need to say it now. I feel like God wants me to ask you out today. Will you agree to an official relationship? Will you be my girlfriend?”

If you are imagining a cartoon where the person’s jaw literally hits the floor, you are imagining pretty closely to how I felt in that exact moment.

I prayed. I waited. God answered.

God Is Infinite… God Is Infinitely Creative… God ANSWERS

As I said before, God is infinite & infinitely creative. The way He works through my life is not the same as how He will choose to move, through prayer, in your own life.

This story is meant to prompt you to PRAY… to seek God alone… To trust that HE knows what He’s doing & He CAN & WILL guide you & give you wisdom as you seek Him.

Trust Him, always… It’s ALWAYS worth it.

And when you don’t feel like you even know how to begin trusting Him… Start there… Ask Him to help you know how to trust Him. He will, my friend. He will.

Shine HOPE, by praying through the fears & unknowns (which are often the same thing).

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Brave Necklace

With hand-rolled cereal box beads, Haitian clay beads, and paired with suede tan cording, this staple necklace is perfect for any wardrobe.

Artisan Information:

Haiti is home to almost 500,000 orphans. The majority of these orphans have not been orphaned by parental deaths, but by parents who gave them up simply because they could not afford to feed them. No mother should have to give up her child. Through your purchase, you provide parents with a sustainable income, so they can keep their children! Be a part of families stepping into bright futures together!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Haiti!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

(To read or re-read Part 1 of this story before continuing on, please check it out, here.)

…

She stared wide-eyed at her computer screen long after he signed off, her jaw dropped & her face flushed with shock.

What just happened…?

***********************

The next day was dawning & the remembrance of her looming plans rushed back into her mind as she groggily awoke from a restless night of sleep.

Maybe if she didn’t tell anyone about the date, she could just go out, come back afterwards, & then just move on with her life.

She had already decided that she wasn’t going to do anything differently with this boy. She was going to be herself & nothing more. If she didn’t find him funny, she would not giggle politely to humor him. If he says anything she didn’t agree with, she would let him know flat out. No pretending. No faking. If he didn’t like her as is, then he could move on all the sooner & so could she.

The impending doom… er, date… was coming up & she was spending her day trying to put it from her mind. She was well aware of the fact that she hadn’t given him her phone number & that if he got lost & wanted to call for better directions, oh well.

She also knew how mean that sounded. It’s not that she wanted to be mean to this guy… she just really didn’t want to end up crushing his heart like she seemed to already have been so good at doing with other guys. She wanted to spare herself the drama & the pain that seemed to inevitably accompany her dating efforts.

Better to end it now, rather than draw it out, establish feelings, & then rip out both of their hearts. It was actually the merciful thing, although seemingly harsh in the moment.

As the day went on, she eventually started preparing for her date. She wanted to dress confidently, to hopefully feel the confidence she aimed to project. Her nerves seemed to be bouncing off every wall she passed throughout the day & although her face showed calm composure, she couldn’t deny the rate at which her heart was beating. First dates are awkward & she was not looking forward to this one.

Although, in the back of her mind, she had to admit a flicker of excitement & even the truth of feeling flattered.

***********************

The evening arrived in a blur of a day. Her mom had insisted upon meeting him (completely breaking the code of not meeting the parents until you were getting serious in your relationship). At least this could only act as an extra deterrent, so she should have been more willing to oblige, but embarrassment won that round instead.

Heading out the door, as he opened the passenger door for her, she stepped into the car & a magical thing happened—ease & calm swept over her heart as she slid into the seat. She felt somehow like she had been in this seat a million times before & it somehow felt natural to be sitting in it right then.

The movie was pleasant & dinner was delicious, but conversation was exceptionally surprising. They laughed (genuinely), talked about life (no fluff, just real, honest talk), & they felt like long-lost friends reunited. It was surprising & yet, familiar.

As the evening concluded, they said their goodbyes & picked up their conversation through messages online later that night.

That’s when the problem occurred.

As they chatted, he shared with her how he had been feeling God leading him to this point & nudging him to ask her out. He had resisted, recovering from his own painful romantic memories, but had felt God saying, “will you do this in My timing, or yours?” And that’s when he gave in & went for it by asking her out.

Needless to say, telling a skittish, commitment-phobe girl that “God was telling you to push forward with dating her because God wanted you to pursue her” was basically like telling her to RUN! Not the smartest move on his part, probably.

And so, in response to his bold proclamation, she went on auto-pilot & proceeded to dump her entire relationship history on him as a defense mechanism. She shared everything. Ev-er-y-thing.

While spilling her every heartache onto the unsuspecting victim of her outburst, she cried & wanted to scream at him. She was so freaked out about potentially hurting him or getting herself heartbroken yet again. She was mad at him for being so bold when she had barely agreed to this one date. She was mad that she was finally satisfied with singleness, had learned to avoid flirtations & relying on men for affirmation & now this! She was mad that he had ruined their awesome night of relaxed jollity with bold statements of pursuing her romantically.

And so, she dumped all of her heartache on his shoulders.

He didn’t run. He didn’t defend himself. He just listened patiently, feeling the hurt in her words.

Once the panic & outpouring of her past heartache began to subside, in one final effort to protect the both of them from experiencing similar fates, she asked him to make a vow to her.

The vow was this, “Do not ask me out or talk about a relationship with me for three months. Three months. Pray. Just pray. Ask God to help you get over your twitterpated feelings so that you can see God’s will above your own will. And I will pray that God help me see past my fears to understand His will. Three months & no sooner. Just pray about it.”

He agreed & they said their goodbyes for the evening.

After they signed off their message chat, she cried. She felt ashamed for dumping her past on this unsuspecting guy. She felt ashamed for not trusting God when faced with something that scared her. She felt scared for the potential damage she could cause him. She wanted to run away.

And as she cried, she prayed something quite differently than what she had just said to that young man who had stirred all of these emotions & all of this fear. She asked God to make His will clear to her above all else. She no longer wanted to date for “fun” or “attention” or “fulfillment”. She only wanted to be with someone if the relationship honored God & if it was His best for her. She wanted to rest in the security of Christ’s embrace versus relying on the embrace of a man to fulfill her.

She wanted God’s will.

And so, she prayed this, “God, I don’t know what to do. I am so scared. I can’t go through this again! I can’t risk hurting myself or hurting someone else like that again. I just can’t! You have taught me to rely on You alone for comfort & strength & love & fulfillment… I don’t know how to fit a man into that. Help me! I will refuse to have a man replace Your place in my heart, so show me Your will. If this is Your plan for my path, please make it so clear to both he & I that we are left with no doubts. Be the ruler of this relationship. If this is Your will, give him so much confidence of Your will to pursue me that he is willing to risk losing me in order to follow Your will. Give him the confidence to ask me out before January 1, three WEEKS from now. If he is willing to break his promise to me & risk losing me, all for the sake of obeying You, I will know that You have sent him to me & I will say yes. Your will be done. Amen.”

And then she slept.

***********************

In the days that followed, he kept his promise to her. He didn’t once mention the idea of a future romantic relationship. He was simply acting as her friend. They shared prayers together. They shared testimony of God working in their individual lives. They grew in their relationship with God more than with each other. There was no pressure to be good enough or to show off or to impress each other toward a relationship. It was easy & relaxed & a friendship built on the understanding that neither of us belonged to each other, but rather to Christ. There was laughter & fun & there were happy memories made as they chatted online almost every day.

She kept praying for peace in her heart & to know God’s will. She prayed several times about specific characteristics that she knew without uncertainty that God had shown her she needed in a husband.  Every time she prayed specifically about a characteristic or potential in this man, without fail, this guy randomly, out of the blue & with zero prompting from her, would tell a story about himself that displayed that exact characteristic, sometimes almost verbatim to her prayers. She was always left in wonder & awe to see God answer her questions & concerns so clearly. She could see His fingerprints in their budding friendship.

Along with their many online chats & visits at church functions, the two of them went out together on two more outings that held no romantic nuances. Just friends spending time together.

The third time they hung out in person (other than seeing each other at church events), their time for the day was coming to a close. It was December 31 and no mention of relationships had taken place since their first date. He had held true to his promise.

She shifted in her seat, secretly remembering her prayers about something happening before January 1 if it were God’s will. She began wondering if this meant that God would show her in a different way & that maybe the timing just wasn’t right yet… or if this would mean that His answer was a firm, “no”. She started praying silently, asking God for wisdom on which of these two scenarios were His answer.

Sitting in the car, parked in front of the house, she moved to begin saying her “goodbye until next time” when he, who had been sitting silently next to her for several minutes now, finally spoke up.

“Wait. I feel like I really need to tell you something. I have kept my promise. I have been praying about God’s will to overshadow my own & I haven’t mentioned relationships since that night that we last spoke about it. But three days ago, I feel like I got my answer. I have been praying since then for God to solidify His answer in my heart & to show me when I should tell you, since you made me promise to wait three months… Well, as we were about to say goodbye, I just got this overwhelming feeling that the answer was right now. I know it’s breaking the promise, but I can’t deny that push. I feel like I am supposed to tell you right now that I think God wants me to pursue a romantic relationship with you.”

…

…

…

Panic. Pure panic. Shock. Wonderment. Awe. Panic. Head spinning. Replaying words in her head. Processing the information as the car grew hot & the air grew thick & the car grew significantly smaller with every breath. Heavy breathing, trying not to pass out. Wondering at how God works in her life when she asks Him to & how faithful & amazing He is.

“Michelle…?” he asked her tentatively, fear starting to well inside him as well.

“Oh my gosh. I just… Oh my gosh… What? Did you just ask me out? Oh my gosh… It hasn’t been three months… How did you know…? Oh my gosh… I didn’t tell anyone… Oh my gosh… What just happened…?”

He sat staring at her, probably preparing himself for her to exit his car & never look back.

Seeing his worry, she realized that she hadn’t told him why she was freaking out. She began to tell him her prayers & the change she had made to want him to risk losing her to follow God first. She told him what happened.

Realization dawned on his face, relief & joy replaced his worry. Now he was sitting in his seat, letting the truth of God’s amazing work sink in.

The two of them sat quietly, amazed. Who knew that God would show up so clearly when they asked for His guidance? Who knew how much God cared about their budding relationship? Their eyes had been opened & now they could see more of the Truth… God really cared about them. He cared about guiding them when they ask Him to… He cared for their hearts.

God cared so much more than they had known before that night, & now they could sit & smile & realize just how big & how great & how loving God really was.

He was worth following. He was worth trusting.

He is worth our everything.

***********************

To be Continued…

Part 2 Thoughts

If you hadn’t guessed already from having “her” name revealed as “Michelle”, this is a true story based on my personal love story with my now husband.

I share this story every chance I get because I want girls & women to understand how very much God cares about our hearts & how much He is willing to interact with & guide us along on the journey.

So often, we try to “help Him along” by flirting & trying to be such good girlfriends, putting all of the relationship pressure on our own shoulders, but God is willing to lift that from us & replace it with the peace of knowing that He will be enough to fill our hearts & if we are to marry, He will guide us every step of the way if we allow Him to.

So trust Him, Lovely. If you are seeking love, seek it in God’s loving arms. Not sure how that works or how that could possibly satisfy you more than a man, ask God to show you. He won’t disappoint.

Don’t trust your deceitful heart. Trust God’s steadfast love, wisdom, care, & guidance.

He really is enough & He is waiting to show you how much He really does love you, with or without a man in your life.

Coming Up

The love story doesn’t end there… Check back for next month’s Special Feature blog post (every last Thursday of the month) for “A Love Story-Part 3″!

Also, check back every Monday morning for my latest blog post, encouraging women to shine hope into this dark world by laying out my weaknesses & allowing God’s glory to shine through them. See you then!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Avalon Earrings

Made with brass & then silver-plated, these statement earrings are a nod to our Indian artisans’ culture.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, and receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in India!

(*Also shown: Pearls of Hope Bracelet from Thailand.)

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE, Lovely!

This Month’s Special Feature Post

Once a month, on the last Thursday of each month, I will share with you my “Monthly Special Feature Post.” This month, I am sharing with you a short story that tells a tale of LOVE.

If you’re like me, you love a good love story. Well, this one has a twist. Read more to see what I mean….

************

A Love Story

She turned the heat up a smidge in her car as she glanced up at the building that would now be her place to visit every Sunday through Friday. Her job as the new church secretary started Monday, but since this was a church, she would now be attending their services, after saying goodbye to her beloved former church friends further South.

Her nerves were all scrunched up & racing everywhere at the same time as she looked back on the events that led her to this moment… this change.

It had been a crazy last eight years or so… with falling in love, to praying about marriage, to feeling that door slam in her face with unrest & fleeting peace about her desires to move forward with her relationship… to breaking his heart & crushing her own in the process.

Then, she had proceeded to breaking her friend’s heart, who had maybe fallen for her in the process of leaning on him too heavily for support through her own heartache.

It had all been a wreck, chaotic & painful. Even now, the memories felt somewhat sharp.

But she had worked to move on. She had read “When God Writes Your Love Story” by Eric & Leslie Ludy. She had been inspired, through that book, to not try to fashion a love story & to not tirelessly strive to hopefully be enough to lead a relationship to success in her own wisdom or efforts.

She had had the opportunity to be stuck in traffic for several hours with an aunt she had barely known, but who left a lasting impression of hope & wisdom & adventure that comes with trusting your singleness & your everything to God alone & letting Him fill you with the love your heart ached so badly for previously.

And even amongst her long talk with her aunt, she had held rewarding jobs, gone to & graduated from her dream college. She had trusted God through a relationship she hoped for, instead of leading it with flirtation, allowing God to take the lead, & therefore being rewarded with a friendship she could still claim today, after realizing it wasn’t God’s will for them.

These last eight years had grown her so much. She had a new perspective now. She no longer pined after the fantasy of living in a romance movie. She no longer clung to that idea as her only hope to feel worth & affection & love that she longed for so badly.

She felt more confident & secure than ever, even if she never married at all. And at a few years away from thirty, this was huge. She finally felt free to live her life for God & not rely on or strive after the love of a man ever again.

Sitting in her car, looking up at the building, she smiled & sighed a contented sigh… not one that she just happened to be feeling this morning, but a new peace that had been washed over her for several years, through the growth in her relationship of knowing God more & more… Of knowing that He really was enough to fill her heart & give her peaceful contentment in singleness. It was a gift that she treasured almost every single day.

She knew that God was the only one who saw her future. He was the only One who knew what pain or trials she would face & He was the only One who knew the right person with whom to ride it all out, even if that was just being her & God. God would take care of her. God was the only One who saw her future & He was the only One who knew what she needed for her future. He had this taken care of completely.

God knew her better than she knew herself. She could trust God, even in being “alone.”

So here she sat, glancing back up at this modest church building in Northern Virginia, on a crisp October Sunday morning—her new church & her new job. She didn’t know what the future held for her here, or what lessons she would learn, but she knew God did, & that was enough for her.

As she stepped out of her car, with purse & Bible in hand, she smiled.

Her new adventure awaits beyond those old wooden doors.

************

The church service was encouraging. The final song of the morning left her uplifted & hopeful of her time to come in this new place.

She had glanced around & noticed that the church was mainly comprised of white & gray-headed, friendly faces, as well as her longtime friend & his wife (also a longtime friend), who had recommended this job to her.

An announcement had been made about her joining the church staff & the church, in general, & friendly faces began to swarm around her with warm welcomes, hugs, & handshakes.

Then a young man.

He said something along the lines of, “We’re so happy to have you. Welcome to our church!” There was no hint of flirtation in his smile, just a genuine kindness, but her guard immediately shot up. She recognized quickly that he seemed to be the only other single young adult in the church & she did NOT want to become THAT girl to him—the only option for a date.

She plastered on a smile to cover her instant panic mode as she shifted nervously to shake his outstretched hand.

Being completely uninterested in starting any romantic relationships & not wanting to ever accidentally lead someone to believe otherwise (because she could not stand the idea of breaking someone’s heart again–or feeling that heartache herself, again), she felt it best to avoid him at all costs from here on out.

It was just safer that way.

************

After working at the church for several weeks, she left the auditorium laughing at whatever funny thing someone had just said, after church had just let out. She had a couple hours to kill before a special staff meeting began, so she decided to go plunker down in her cozy office chair to play Mahjong until then.

Striding confidently into the front office, toward her desk, she stopped abruptly upon realizing that the young man who had been so kind to her on her first Sunday was sitting in one of the chairs in her office (or really, the front office, near the parking lot).

He looked up at her & smiled politely.

A mental run-through of her options whooshed through her mind at lightning speed, Oh crap! Okay, he’s seen me, but maybe I can play it off & make an excuse for somewhere else I have to be… But crap, I can’t think of anywhere else I have to be & I just jolted to a stop in front of him, so it will be too obvious! I have to play this cool & just stride to my desk with a minimal polite nod & say a quick “hello” so I don’t give a bad impression, since I am staff here. I can do this, just go & nod & sit & look busy. Okay, go.

So, she did just that.

And he smiled back, quickly informing her that his ride was coming soon because he had carpooled to church this morning & then following with the fact that his ride had just gone to run a quick errand & would be returning soon to pick him up.

Hopefully very soon.

She smiled politely & said something lame, like, “Oh neat,” while shifting nervously in her chair, trying to look calm & really, really busy.

He didn’t take the hint, as he asked how she was doing & whether she was enjoying her new position here & whether she felt she was adjusting well.

She answered politely, but only enough to seem super busy while still remaining professional & just polite enough as she felt it necessary.

He then scooted his chair up to her desk so that they wouldn’t have to talk across the room.

Great. Just great.

She panicked a little now, nonchalantly pivoting her screen so he wouldn’t discover that her very important work was actually an unimportant game of Mahjong.

He asked about her life & what had brought her here, but only in a friendly, non-pushy or weird way. He talked about how he had just graduated from college as well & how he was back in town now, attending his parents’ church (his pending ride home) until he found somewhere with more young adults. He also told her that he felt a little alone in the church, friendship-wise, because there were so few his age (other than the married couple mentioned earlier). He had been praying about finding a new church, but felt God nudging him to stay, so he was giving it until December to decide (it was now late November).

She smiled politely, secretly wishing someone would come & break up their conversation. She really, really didn’t want him getting warmed up to her & thinking that she could be his new best friend & then potentially end up breaking his heart as well. She would NOT do that again. Her heart couldn’t handle it.

Despite her wall of determination, he said something randomly that made a burst of laughter erupt from her mouth & she struggled against the tears of laughing too hard.

Before she knew what was happening, the next ten minutes were spent suggesting to one another & then searching for funny videos on YouTube, watching them, & then erupting in laughter all over again.

Okay, he was nice, but she did not want to be friends with him. That always led to heartbreak, because her friendliness always got misinterpreted as romantic interest & confusion of feelings… & heartache almost always followed.

She needed an out for this conversation. Soon.

Her wish was granted as a car pulled into the lot. His parents. Finally.

He thanked her for the laughs, gathered his stuff, & headed out the door.

She had to admit, begrudgingly, that jollity still hung in the air a little as he left.

************

That night, as she lay sprawled across her still-made bed, browsing Facebook on her laptop, she noticed a little white notification bubble on Facebook.

It was a friend request…

From him….

… Oh no….

************

That accepted friend request (because really, how could she be supportive staff & be so heartless as to say ‘no’ to being a friend to someone who just recently expressed their need for more friendships?), but that accepted friend request inevitably led to daily chats about life & regular laughter.

His chats with her were becoming something that she would smile about when going about her day.

She purposely avoided any conversation that could be misinterpreted as flirting & even made comments to make her thoughts known about her disinterest, but it felt good to have a new friend, after recently moving back to Northern Virginia.

She was careful to indicate her intentions of avoiding any & all relationships, but in a non-assuming way (just to be sure). She wanted to be sure that he knew this was “Friend Zone City.” Only.

But the talks became regular & expected. And she couldn’t deny that she was glad for it.

… Until one momentous, heart-stopping moment.

As she logged on Facebook that night, a message indication bubble was waiting for her.

She clicked on it & regretted it the instant her eyes finished skimming the message.

He had asked her to dinner for the next evening. She panicked.

Crap! Crap crap crap crap CRAP!!!! What was happening?!? Hadn’t she been clear enough? Why was this happening to her?!? She had been careful, she had been SO, SOOO careful! She had even been close to being unnecessarily blunt about it!! Yes, they had shared prayers & laughter, but why?!?! Why was this happening?!?

After panic ebbed a tad, she started frantically praying about it, her eyes growing red & puffy with fear & panic & dread.

She decided on a solution….

She would pretend like she hadn’t read the message until Friday was already over & then she could brush it off as an “Oh, oops!” & smile & everything would be okay.

That would avoid hurting him & she could move on & hope he got the picture.

So that was the plan.

WAS the plan.

But as she was browsing Facebook, distracted & laughing at something else she had just read, another message bubble popped up.

She absentmindedly clicked on it, still chuckling.

It was him, asking a question about something or other. She answered without stopping to think about it, still caught up in the hilarity of the thing that had just brought her laughs.

Then it happened. He wrote her again…

“Oh great! You ARE online. I thought you weren’t because of the other message being unanswered. Did you get it?”

Her face flushed. The room suddenly got ten times smaller. Frustration at herself welled up inside her & threatened to overflow into an onslaught of verbally assaulting herself with accusations about having ONE job to keep herself clear of facing this exact situation, & then proceeded to HORRIBLY failing at that ONE job.

Great. Just great.

As she tried to play it off & play it cool, he wouldn’t let it go. He asked her again, right there.

“So, I had asked about dinner. Do you want to go with me to dinner tomorrow night?”

He was relentless!

Panic took over as she threw an adult temper tantrum in her room. Crying & begging God to remove this situation from her, not wanting to get in this kind of mess again. She laid there in defeat, agonizing over what to do next, to keep from hurting him… to keep from going down this road again.

This was exactly why she DIDN’T want guy friends. She did not want to break someone’s heart AGAIN.

She couldn’t handle it.

She considered quitting her job & going anywhere else.

She knew that wasn’t mature or the right answer. She kept praying.

God reminded her then of two things she had been learning & praying about over the last several years.

One, only God knew what she really needed. He saw past the surface. He saw past the present. He knew the potential that He created in each person. He saw her needs better than she knew them herself. She couldn’t judge accurately… only God could….

And two, she had promised God that because she had given up flirting or dating or anything that would lead a guy to her by her own efforts… she had also promised God that if someone had the guts to ask her out despite all of those things, she would trust that as a sign & agree to a single date with them.

And so here she was, at the brink of potentially doing the one thing she hated doing the most & had sworn that she would never risk doing again–potentially breaking a great guy’s heart by letting him feel something for her (or getting her own heart broken again, in the process).

She hoped, by one last hope, that she could deter him & that he would spare her of the fear of hurting him, so she made one last attempt at steering him away…

“So, who else is coming tomorrow?”

“Oh, just the two of us.”

Crap.

“Well, okay…. Um, I don’t have a lot of money right now, so maybe if we did something cheap….”

“Oh, well I am paying for us, so don’t worry about that.”

Double crap!

“Well, um, my planner is in the car, so I can check if I am free when I go out to get it in the morning… Hopefully I don’t forget, but I’ll try to remember.”

“That’s okay. I’ll pick you up at 7pm tomorrow.”

… … … …

“Um…. What? But I didn’t….”

“Alright, I have to head to bed. See you tomorrow night!”

And he’s gone…. And so was her chance to get out of this.

… What in the world just happened? How did that…? Why did he…? But she didn’t even….
What just happened?

She stared wide-eyed at her computer screen long after he signed off, her jaw dropped & her face flushed with shock.

What just happened…?

************

… To be continued.

Coming Next Week

***Check back on next month’s Special Feature Post (the last Thursday of each month) for Part 2 of “A Love Story.” I hope you have enjoyed it so far & I look forward to revealing the rest soon!***

Monday, I will continue with my regular posts of encouragement to you, so I will see you then!

I hope you enjoyed this month’s Special Feature Post!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Sea Glass Necklace

Artisans recreate the look & feel of sea glass by upcycling glass bottles from local hotels & restaurants that would otherwise be discarded, & tumble it with water & sand from the Red Sea, until it is smooth & resembles the beautiful pieces found in on seashores. Sizes & colors may vary.

Artisan Information:

Many Jordanian women have their lives controlled by their closest male relative. They balance many customs at home, creating a lack of independence. Some of these women are divorced, widowed, or married to a man who may already have many wives. But amid struggles, these women we work with arrive to a family-like workplace. They can be heard singing, laughing, & drinking tea while creating our unique jewelry made from upcycled glass bottles. Your purchase empowers them with confidence & financial independence for the first time!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Jordan!

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE, Lovely!