The Long-Gone Yesterdays
I must confess that this is a recent area of struggle for me.
But it didn’t use to be that way. I used to long to share every thought with God & to receive His peace & wisdom & strength in each given moment.
It was empowering to know that where I was weak, He was infinitely strong, & I could count on Him… Always.
But here I am, thirsting from six years of dryness in my life, having unlearned the precious practice of regular prayer.
What Once Was
I must tell you, after having experienced a life lived with prayer, this new normal seems like a constant battle, a constant striving, & a constant desperation to fill the emptiness that God’s peace once filled thoroughly.
How do you unlearn that wonderful habit of praying regularly & therefore regularly benefiting from God’s many blessings in our lives, you might wonder? Blessings like joy in trials, trust & faith when the world doesn’t make sense, strength when mine lacks, peace when the storms rage, etc. etc. etc.?
How does one experience all of those magnificent things through prayer & then simply walk away from it?
I’ll tell you how it happened for me.
The Root of My Downfall
Disappointment.
That’s right. All of those blessings I once relished & I tossed them all aside because God didn’t answer my prayers the way I thought He would (or rather, should, in my opinion).
After having gone through my wilderness of lacking friendships, lacking spiritual support, lacking comfort… I gave up asking, instead of changing my prayers & trusting anyway.
Be Open, Be Honest–It’s Worth It!
You see, we should definitely feel free & open to share every concern, every need, & every desire with God, because He wants us to have that open relationship with Him… But if we really want to be at peace & realize God’s power in our lives, we also have to be willing to pray for something a little more… for God’s will to be done & for us to trust Him in that will.
Do you remember that little nugget from the “Lord’s Prayer”? “Your will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven”? (Matthew 6:10)
You see, God wants to interact with us in our lives & He wants to shower good things on us, like I mentioned earlier, but those things do not always come when we get our way, & God knows this.
His Ways Are Higher
Isaiah 55:8-9 says,
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.”
And it is so, so right!
We may think we know what we’re asking, but we have to keep in mind that God sees the big picture. He knows how all of the pieces fit together.
Connecting That to Prayer
So, when we are communicating with Him & we express our desires or longings, we need to learn to rest in that Truth—that God knows what He’s doing better than we do.
And when disappointments come, we need to come back to that fact all over again & pray that God help us rest in His plan above even our own.
But, I Didn’t
And that’s exactly what I had not been doing.
And now I am scrambling to get through each day & feeling like I am treading water some days, just trying to keep my head above water… because I got out of the habit of resting in Him when all seems lost… & even before it even gets to that point.
The JOYS I Once Experienced
Let me lay out for you a picture of what my relationship with God USED to look like, to contrast it with the scrambling I have been describing as my current prayer life.
Imagine a best friend whom you can tell anything. They always listen, even if it’s rambling. They are always patient & kind & gentle. When you mess up, they are quick to forgive. When they help you through a lesson you’ve been needing to learn, they are always so gentle & patient with you through it, never rushing your progress, but simultaneously never giving up on you (no matter how many times you miss the mark). You always feel safe & loved & wanted. He lifts the burdens of your past guilt or shame from your shoulders & gives you a lasting sense of freedom. When you feel stuck or troubled, He always has the right wisdom for just that moment. He is always there, always loving, & always strong, even when you are not.
That’s a tiny glimpse as to what a life of prayer offers you.
Seems pretty crazy that I gave that up, doesn’t it? Stupid, really.
When We Justify Our Mistakes
I guess I justified each time I refused to pray about something because I didn’t think God would give me what I wanted, & He didn’t. And He knew better, like always. But I didn’t.
I got bitter that I felt lonely. I got bitter that I still didn’t have a baby. I got bitter that I couldn’t get a job for so long. I got bitter that Jamie worked so much. I got bitter that my efforts to encourage others seemed unwanted. I got bitter that I didn’t have “my way”.
I gave up on SO MUCH just because I was disappointed & selfish in my prayers.
And because I didn’t trust Him enough to just talk to Him about it & let Him work it out.
Lessons Sometimes Take a While to Learn
And you would think that I would have learned my lesson by this point in my life. I have had many times of disappointment that I trusted to God, & I found so much joy & peace & strength as a result!
In the past, when I had something crash & burn or I felt a prayer go unanswered, I would ask Him to guide my heart & thoughts to trust Him through it. I would let my requests be made known to Him, through prayer, but then I would leave the rest up to Him & ask for His peace to fill me as He did the leading.
But I gave that up.
God Keeps Forgiving
Sometimes I ask myself how I could be that dense. How could I KNOW the benefits of trusting it all to God, no matter what, & then just throw it all away because I didn’t get my way?
But then I remember this, I am still so full of pride & selfishness that I too often excuse away. And I am weak. I am human, & I have limitations. And yes, I could have (& should have!) trusted God anyway, but sometimes I am reminded through my failures just how amazing He is.
Have you heard the phrase, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone”?
It’s a valuable reminder for us when we go through this time of failure.
Getting Too Comfortable
I grew too comfortable in drawing my hope from Him, that I started believing that it was by my merit that He answered the ways He did, versus His simple goodness & grace in my life.
I don’t DESERVE any of His goodness or faithfulness, but He chooses to give it every single day… if only I am willing to accept it instead of throwing it aside because it doesn’t look like what I specifically asked Him for.
But the amazing thing about God is that He IS faithful. And He is forgiving & patient & ENOUGH.
Prodigal Daughter & the Welcoming Father
I am the prodigal daughter in this scenario. I asked for what I didn’t deserve in the first place, squandered my life to try to get my way, & am now dejected, lost, & alone, realizing that my way hasn’t brought me the joy I thought it would.
And as I turn back, broken & scarred… ashamed of my behavior & the mistreatment of God’s faithfulness & mercies… ready to learn all over again what I left behind….
There God is, not a scornful look on His face. Not crossed arms. Not judgment & lectures waiting to be dumped on me upon my return.
NO.
There He is. An understanding, gentle smile on His face. Arms wide open. Ready to love me & forgive me & work toward rebuilding our relationship.
Because that’s who He is.
He is a good, GOOD Father.
Lay It All Before Him… Come Back to Him
I don’t deserve any of it. Sobs rock me even as I write this, just being reminded of what I tossed aside so childishly, only to return to His welcoming grace & love, which He so undeservedly offers me.
Prayer doesn’t have to be formal & unrealistic.
God knows you better than you know yourself.
He can handle your disappointments, your anger & frustrations, your desires & mistakes.
Share those with Him.
Ask For It
Ask for His wisdom. Ask for His strength to cover you. Ask for Him to be your source of peace. Ask Him to cover your insecurities & inadequacies with His power. Ask Him to forgive your worst sins (He WILL forgive them all). Ask Him to guide your each step. Ask Him to renew your heart & mind, & to give you a fresh start. Ask Him to show you who HE created you to be, & to wash away anything about you that is more of a result of your mistakes & the lies of this world & to replace all of that with His wisdom & grace.
He is enough, Lovely. Every single time. He. Is. ENOUGH.
And prayer is a beautiful gift & privilege.
So be willing to come before Him & talk to Him like a best friend, like a loving Father, & as the King above all things in Heaven & on Earth.
He is waiting with open arms. He is waiting for you.
Amen!
Coming Next Week
Make sure to check back next Monday for my newest weekly blog post!
A Note from Michelle:
If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3
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Weekly Special Spotlight:
Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!
Unity Necklace
Empowering women out of poverty in Haiti & India!
Upcycled beads made from glass and clay from Haiti’s mountains hang on a silver plated chain.
Artisan Information:
Haiti had this century’s worst natural disaster and is home to almost 500,000 orphans. The majority of the orphans have not been orphaned by parental deaths or natural disasters, but by parents who had to give them up simply because they could not feed them. The group we work with is an “un-orphanage” and is helping with the orphan crisis by providing parents with sustainable business through creating beautiful products like this necklace.
Purchase this piece and empower a woman in Haiti!
(*Also pictured: Western Stud Trio (silver pair), empowering women in India!)
Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE, Lovely!
