Not Cut & Paste

Today’s topic (& pretty much every week’s topic) is not meant to show you a cut & paste way to handle a situation. It is meant to show you how God guides us if we are striving to honor Him above our own feelings, fears, or desires… if we are obeying His way over our own.

Going Back Home

Nine years ago, right after I had graduated from Liberty University (how has it already been NINE years?!), I went back to live with my parents in Northern Virginia.

My parents had just paid my way through Liberty, upon the agreement that I kept my grades up (I graduated top twenty percent of the School of Business!) &, what was later told to me, they would not be helping to pay for any wedding that could potentially happen (I didn’t know this then, as I had no relationship to consider at the time).

Debt

BUT, I still had loads of debt… to them.

How? Because my parents had HELPED me pay health insurance & car insurance for those three years, on the agreement that I would eventually reimburse them once I got a full-time job.

So, a couple hundred dollars a month, for three years, minus some I had managed to pay along the way, left me with a hefty sum of debt.

AND, to help me out, my parents were graciously allowing me to move back home after graduation, at age 26. (If you missed last week’s post, I waited to go back to college.)

My “Buffer” Account

I did have a savings account, that served as a (gradually depleting) buffer that allowed me to still fill up my gas tank & be available for lunches with friends (or as an emergency fund in case I had to have work on my car or other such unexpected expense).

Trying to Re-Write My Reputation

Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the pressure was laid on pretty thick, by my parents, to pay them back quickly by getting a full-time job.

I had been a difficult teenager, one who was always trying to get out of extra work, so I can understand their feelings of mistrust & urgency for me to prove myself responsible & willing to pay them back without endless delay.

But God had been working in me. I had been allowing God to grow me & weed out some of my bad habits & bad attitudes, & I had no desire to string my parents along.

I wanted to please them & make them proud.

I wanted to be a responsible adult & I was eager to start work & change the world (that’s how I felt, anyway).

But bad reputations have a nasty way of sticking around, even after God has changed your heart & attitude.

Can anyone relate?

A Changed Woman

Anyway, eager to prove myself a changed woman & a responsible adult, I looked for a job.

But I was looking for a career, not a dead-end job.

I was eager to work with an outreach program or youth ministry for a church. I was ready to change lives & impact people with the hope I was learning more about each year.

I definitely also looked for jobs I didn’t care about as much, though, because I was so eager to pave the path for a new reputation. I wanted to pay off my debt quickly & ease the minds of my parents, by removing the financial burden of my debt to them.

But God had other plans.

He wanted to show me more about trusting in Him, even when the pressure is thick.

A Word from God

In reading my Bible, I came across this nagging little truth (at least, it nagged at me because the conviction hit me hard. I was NOT ready to hear these words!):

“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
    when it is in your power to act.
Do not say to your neighbor,
    “Come back tomorrow and I’ll give it to you”—
    when you already have it with you.” (Proverbs 3:27-28)

You see, in keeping my little “buffer” savings account, while still owing a ton of money to my parents, God convicted my heart that I was essentially saying, “Come back tomorrow & I will give it to you”, when I already had it with me.

… AKA the exact thing God warns us NOT to do, in these verses.

A Chance to Obey

A choice had to be made in that moment.

Would I trust & obey God’s way of handling my situation? (AKA give my parents my savings account) … or was I going to hold on to fear & the comfort of being able to maintain the kind of life I was comfortable with, while waiting to repay them?

Too many times had I seen how things went way worse than I expected when doing them MY way, only to HAVE to try God’s way in the end & see it work out much better…

SO, I took out every penny of my savings account, (thus erasing any chance for impromptu dinners, lunches, coffee dates, movies, adventures with friends) & gave it directly to my parents, as a way to show them, THROUGH ACTION & not just words, that my dedication to repay them was sincere.

What Now?

And then, penniless, with just the full tank of gas that I had, I said “goodbye” to most of my social life.

(Adulthood was no longer seeming so appealing, haha.)

And… I prayed… A LOT.

I prayed for direction & peace & for my parents to see they could trust me… I prayed for a chance to move out & pay off debt & to GET A JOB.

I felt so untethered from the comforts I had always relied on & that led me to pray more than usual. I couldn’t just coast through this debt repayment anymore. I needed to make money to even just refill my gas tank next time!

So, I started (more) actively searching for a job… searching for ANY work to get me through to my next tank of gas (& those pesky bills) … babysitting, house-cleaning, mowing lawns, house-sitting, & whatever other oddball jobs I could manage to get.

Just Enough… Was Enough

Here is where I began to see that as I trust God (although, my human perspective still worried that I would miss bills & fail miserably) & lean fully into Him… He doesn’t leave us hanging.

While working my odd jobs, while also searching for a full-time job, I was earning just enough to scrape by.

I still gave ten percent of everything I earned as a tithe to God, through supporting my church.

Tithing When Barely Making It

Let me tell you, when you don’t even have money to ever go out to lunch with a friend because you are earning JUST enough to pay your current bills, fill up the gas tank, & pay the remainder to your parents for your debt, ten percent seems like SO MUCH MONEY!

But, again, I had seen how God has a purpose in every command He gives us & He promises to provide as we obey… SO, I trusted & obeyed, while giving ten percent of the precious little I had to the church.

And I am not telling you that to brag or to seem super righteous, but because God really does keep His promises to take care of our needs as we live in obedience & trust to His Word (the Bible).

Nothing Was Working the Way I Hoped, And Yet…

Listen to this… this is where it really got cool ….

Every full-time job opportunity fell through.

Every full-time job that seemed like a good potential, I felt a heavy wall block me from accepting it, as if God was saying, “nuh-uh… NO.” Even when I prayed for days afterward, hoping I could feel peace that never came.

I felt SO MUCH pressure from my parents’ even mild frustration (I am a people pleaser at heart) & I wanted SO BADLY to prove I meant it when I told them I wanted to get a job & pay them back & honor them in that way.

But ALL I HAD were oddball jobs.

I know, I know… These all seem like the opposite of “cool”….

Every Bill Paid ON TIME!

But, GUESS WHAT.

Every time a bill was coming dangerously close to being past-due, I would receive an unexpected call from either a friend of the family, a co-worker of my mom, or a friend of a friend who would somehow think to call me, & they would offer me another oddball job for some amount of time with some amount of money that they would offer….

AND Every single time, it would get paid to me DIRECTLY before my bill was past-due & be MORE than my bill was worth… enough to fill up my next tank of gas & chip off another tiny chunk of my debt (& still tithe).

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

HE Doesn’t Have Our Limitations

Girl, I want you to see that we serve a BIG God.

He is not bound by the limitations that we are bound by.

If we walk in trusting obedience to Him, He ALWAYS follows through & takes care of us.

Am I saying, “don’t take the job”? NO.

Am I saying to do it exactly how I did? NO.

I AM saying that, again, as we walk in trusting obedience to God’s Word & God’s leading on our hearts, He WILL be faithful to take care of our needs.

It may not always be comfortable (in fact, oftentimes it’s UNCOMFORTABLE, because it goes against our own understanding) or look the way we think it should or like we want it to, but we will see in those moments, that despite all that, God really did know BEST.

Oh, And One More Thing… Or Maybe Two

So, I urge you. I beg you. I challenge you, even… to trust Him.

Because He always knows what He’s doing, even when we are clueless.

And do you want to know the real kicker that gets me every time with this story?

Guess what, with those oddball jobs, over ONE Summer, I paid off my debt IN FULL.

Did I get to go to King’s Dominion with friends? No.

Did I get to go out for impromptu coffee or lunch dates with friends? No.

Was it comfortable never knowing if I could pay my next bill? No.

But, to see God work in the ways that He did AND allow me to pay off ALL OF IT during those oddball jobs… was the best Summer EVER.

*** Oh, & by the way… AFTER I paid off my debt to my parents, I got a job working for a small church in Alexandria, Virginia… where I met my husband. ***

God Always Knows

God ALWAYS knows what He’s doing, even when we’re just taking one step at a time & trusting Him with every part that we don’t understand. He always knows.

Shine hope, by trusting God first, last, & always.

Trust & obey & let Him lead by leaning into Him.

He’s got you.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Chelsie Necklace

This curved bar necklace features gold & rose gold tones. Hanging from a gold colored chain, this piece was named after one of our co-founders because of her golden & modern style, along with her passion for using sustainable business to end poverty.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

*Also pictured: Northern Lights Studs, also from India!*

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Getting Real

Being “Authentic” is a tricky topic for most people, including myself. I think it’s tricky because oftentimes, we aren’t completely sure what is the “real” us.

This may not seem to make sense, because it sounds so ridiculous, but the fact is that none of us really know who our authentic selves are—not completely or accurately anyway.

That sounds pretty crazy, but hopefully after we take some time to discuss it further, it will begin to make more sense.

We Should Know, Right?

In all logic, it seems that of all the people who should really know who we are on the inside,  it would be us, right?

But how well do we really know ourselves?

Let me explain.

We all have our perception of reality. This is sometimes labeled as “our truth” because it’s how we personally see the world around us & also how we see ourselves.

But is it always accurate?

Probably not so much.

Here’s why….

For starters, we were all shaped as children, by our surroundings. This could include, but is not limited to, childhood trauma, for example. But it can also be something as simple as the ideologies of our parents & how we were raised, as a result.

We Are Shaped By What We Know

Something so awful can happen to us, or even a subtle wrong… And it can often become etched into our minds as truth, even if it isn’t!

A common example of this would be seeing a parent abandon the family, thus “realizing” that marriages don’t really work… creating a fear of intimacy or long-term commitment.

Another example is hearing how your parent describes someone of a different nationality, upbringing, or even judging based on outside appearances such as weight.

We will often grow up with a prejudice built into our brains, as a result of this upbringing, that we are not even fully aware of as wrong or incorrect.

Image issues, insecurities, commitment or other phobias, etc. can be etched into our subconscious so deeply that we may not even see them as anything other than “just the way things are,” because they are “our truth.”

Our idea of truth can be completely wrong, but feel so completely right because it is all we have ever known.

Family Histories Often Seem Like FACT

Also, considering how we grew up or even our family histories, it can be ingrained in us even further that that is just the way life is, & that there is little we can do to change things.

Because it has been approved or acted upon for years, or decades even, it seems to us as factual.

So who are we really? How can we truly be authentic if we don’t have a clear picture as to who we really are?

Perception Doesn’t Always Equal Truth

The other thing to consider is perception.

Perception is a tricky thing because it is just how it sounds—it is OUR perception. It is simply how we perceive things to be, even if they are not actually that way,

We may even have something happen to us or around us, & we might perceive it as a specific turn of events or as a memory etched in our minds, when really, we misinterpreted the situation completely, whether for the better, or for the worse.

For example, seeing a grumpy look on someone’s face & assuming they dislike something about you, when really, someone may have just done something awful to THEM & they were struggling at hiding their physical facial reaction, which just happened to be aimed in your direction.

I could list TONS of other examples, but I think we can agree that this sort of thing has probably happened to us & we have probably inadvertently caused this same situation to happen to some other bystander.

Perception is a powerful influencer, but it is not always based on reality.

So Much Out There

There are so many outside factors that shape what we believe about who we are, even if many of them are lies.

So, considering these factors, how are we supposed to know who we really are?

Do you ever feel like you are living life, the best you know how, but something just never seems to fit? Like you don’t WANT to be “like that” or do “that” or live “that way”? But it just seems like it’s “just the way things are?”

Or maybe it seems like that is “just who YOU are” & you can’t change it?

I have struggled against that angst many times growing up.

But I oftentimes convince myself to just accept it & to flourish despite it (instead of changing my idea of who I really am based on actual facts or truth).

What the Heart Wants

We want to be “real” or “true to ourselves” but we often don’t REALLY know what that even looks like!

How confusing.

On top of those considerations, we sometimes want or long for things that are not actually what we want in the long run.

We can be so convinced that we have found what our heart so longs for, & then be completely wrong about it. (Keep reading… Hope is coming through all of this!)

Take my experience with my first serious relationship. I was so convinced that he was the absolute best man for me & I was ready to accept a ring & start a life of endless bliss with him.

I wanted it more than anything I had ever wanted!

I was sure of my decision–More sure than anything I had ever known.

But when I prayed about it, something just felt off. I never received peace, even though I was so sure that I wanted to be with this man forever & ever.

Obeying When We Don’t Understand

I obeyed that nudging from God through my lack of peace & I trusted God enough to let go, breaking my heart as well as his. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. But I don’t regret it, because I knew God was behind it & I trusted Him more than myself.

But then I met my husband, a decade or so later, & I realized that God had a better plan for me than I had had for myself. My husband didn’t seem like my “dreamboat” from first glance, the way the other man had, but the longer we are married (six years now), the more he seems tailored to fit my weaknesses & insecurities & past & future better than I imagined possible.

Long story short, I am so glad that I trusted God above my own fierce desires & temptations to believe that my heart knew better than God a decade earlier.

The Bible even speaks to this, “The heart is deceitful above all things… Who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)

“Be True to Self”

How can I trust myself to be “true to myself” when that understanding of myself is so often incorrect or incomplete?

And again (& in so many other verses as well), the Bible speaks to this: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

You see, because we don’t fully understand ourselves the way God does, we can’t really understand what will help or benefit us in the long run… We only have a marred & blurry glimpse into what we think we want or need right now, in this moment.

But God sees the full picture. He knows you inside & out. He sees your comings & goings, when you sit & when you rise (Psalm 139:2). He numbers every hair on your head (Luke 12:7). He knit you together in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). He sees all things & knows all things. Your past, present, & future are laid out before Him.

He Knows Us

He can be trusted to know us better than we know ourselves.

And here comes another doozy… We all want to be liked & accepted for “who we are,” even though we ourselves often do not know who that is.

We shape so many behaviors in this quest to find true love & acceptance for who we are. Sometimes we highlight what we believe to be better about ourselves & sometimes we hide away what we believe others can’t love.

We want so badly for someone to “get us”, the “real” us, but oftentimes, we are left wanting more, because we may not fully understand what will satisfy that longing fully & completely.

But here’s the thing… We will never be fully satisfied on this “hamster wheel” of trying to be “authentic” & “liked.”

We were meant to find our satisfaction & identity & worth in Jesus Christ.

God Wants You to Know Yourself Through HIS Design!

God made you for a relationship with Himself.

God MADE you. He KNOWS you.

So take the time to ask Him about HIS design for you. Be willing to toss out all presuppositions, perceptions, passions, or longings to ask Him what you were designed for & to show you what will actually satisfy you the way you are so desperately searching.

Ask Him.

I went through the same process & I was amazed, awed, & so glad I did!

I have a long way to go & many areas that I excuse or hide about myself because I think it’s just a part of me, but God knows better & I refuse to leave it at my own perception or even my own ability to change.

He is bigger & wiser & stronger & more powerful & more loving & more ABLE than we will ever comprehend.

So, ask Him!

Ask Him & Don’t Stop Asking Him

Refuse to accept the prison chains that hold you back or hold you down.

Ask Him to let His Truth set you free—for Good! (John 8:31-32)

Don’t settle for a façade. Don’t settle for anything less than the beautiful design that God intended for you, Lovely. Ask Him.

Coming Next Week

Join me next week for more encouragement on michellehydeonline.com! See you then!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Stardust Studs

These sterling silver stud earrings hold a white opaque moonstone.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Through these artisan groups, these women in India have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education and healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in India!

(*Also pictured: Sea Glass Necklace from Jordan)

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE, Lovely!