The Complexities of Wanting Love

“Love”, oh what a wonderful topic to think about….

Or maybe it just seems elusive to you, a wish you wish for, but you feel is an impossible reality.

Or maybe yet, you have been hurt by love & either fear it or just feel jaded by it.

Well, all of the above describe how I once felt about LOVE.

Cue the Meet Cute

And then, I met someone who helped me open my heart to all of the beauty & joy & adventure of love… & no, I’m not talking about my husband (I didn’t know him yet).

And no, I am also not talking about God.

I am talking about a guy I met soon after high school.

This is not a typical love story though, because while I felt I had met the boy of my dreams, we never had a happily ever after.

Afraid of Love

I grew up with an unhealthy fear of long-term relationships.

I assumed they all fail… that one side would inevitably lose interest or feel trapped in the relationship… that some fights or disagreements would end up being unsolvable… that rifts form & that lusting after others through porn, flirtation, or adultery would always happen eventually.

I assumed I was too difficult to be loved… not pretty enough…  too emotional… too much of a mess… too insecure… too much of a talker… too unlovable… & that eventually, any guy who married me would figure that all out & want out.

In other words, I assumed it was only a matter of time before my heart was crushed, if I gave my heart to love someone.

Because of this, I was afraid to love. I was afraid to get attached.

I prayed over relationships, wanting so badly for love to be a possible reality for me.

Oh, What a Feeling!

And then I met him… a guy who opened my heart.

I felt so in love. I cherished every long phone conversation & was elated at every chance to spend even a few moments with him.

I shared my heart, my deepest fears & hurts… & he did the same.

He was kind & caring & took care of me. He was a wonderful friend.

I wanted so badly to love him forever & to finally break free of the fear. I wanted to marry him.

I wanted to believe he could really love me forever.

And I am sure he would have.

I trusted him & cared for him more than I ever believed I could care about someone.

But I broke his heart.

I Thought I Knew

I was ready to go all in… to trust him with my heart & to start talking about marriage.

I was ready to follow him anywhere & leave my fears behind.

I was ready to beat the odds with the man I loved so much.

I wanted to marry him more than I had ever wanted anything.

But I broke his heart.

I kept praying about our relationship.

“God, please let me marry him! I love him so much! I trust him & care about him, even at his worst. He is so kind & so good to me. I can tell him anything & know that he cares for me. Please let me feel peace to push through the fear & marry him. I want to spend my life with him. He means so much to me. Please, please, please!”

But every time I sought God’s peace & blessing to spend my life with this wonderful friend, I felt a brick wall.

“Just Keep Praying,” I Thought… “Maybe God Will Change His Mind”

I couldn’t move past the feeling of unrest, an obvious, unsettled lack of peace in my heart.

So, I kept praying through the weeks & months we were together, unwilling to let go of the man I loved so much based on a current lack of peace.

I assumed the peace would come eventually, if I just held on & kept praying.

But it never came.

The dread started seeping in, as I realized that I didn’t feel God was ever going to be giving His blessing–His blessing, based on His omniscient, all-wise, over-all perspective.

But, God.…! Pleeeaase!

I hurt so many nights after a day well spend with the man I loved so much. I grieved the potential break up I felt God was edging me toward.

I felt as if God was gently trying to pry my fingers off of what I was clinging to so tightly… my desire to spend my life with the man I loved.

And I didn’t want to let Him.

I wanted to beg Him to change His mind.

I didn’t understand why God would let me love someone so much & not let me be with him. It felt so unfair.

No Matter the Reason, Yet I Will Trust Him

I knew this man didn’t trust in God, but I thought that could change as he got to know Him through our relationship.

I could feel my heart compromising my faith as I sought to be agreeable to the man I loved. But I thought I could overcome that.

But no matter God’s reasons, He was making it clear that my love & I were not the best match for each other, in some ways that I couldn’t even see myself.

And so, after many tears, much rebellious stalling (hoping to never have to leave him… hoping God would change His mind if I waited just a week longer), after seeing that God did not budge in allowing me peace to continue my relationship that I wanted so badly… I broke the heart of the man I loved.

Crushed… Shattered… Yet Not Hopeless

I knew he wouldn’t understand that I had gotten my answer from prayer, because he didn’t believe in God.

I didn’t want to explain why I had to do it, because I wanted him to trust God & not hate him.

And so, I let my love hate me instead.

And it crushed me… shattered me.

Collateral Damage

To make matters worse, I also leaned into a great friend for support, only to end up crushing his heart as well, when my love returned & I left my friend behind, not knowing his care for me was more romantic than friendship.

And when my love had returned, I was sure this time God would say yes this time around. But He didn’t… & I had to crush his heart & mine a second time.

I lost two people I cared for SO MUCH within a short time.

Not only did I have to walk away from someone I cared so strongly for, but I let him believe I didn’t love him as much as I did, in order to protect his potential future trust in God, the only One who could ever love him the way that he really needed.

Crawling Out from the Wreckage… Finding Hope

This heartbreak haunted me for about 5 years. I would check his Facebook once or twice a year just to relieve myself that he was happy & healthy & loved. I would cry when a movie reminded me of him (like Becoming Jane or Fever Pitch). I would wish that someday, God would bring us back together again… until he married someone else.

I have prayed for him consistently since then, that he would feel loved & cared for… that God would reach his heart & give him a kind of freedom & joy & peace like he’s never known. That God would guide him as a husband & father…. That he would come to Jesus & find lasting, sure hope.

I know now the story God had planned for me was my wonderful husband, Jamie, who loves me in a way that grows me as a human being & encourages me to lean into God with each trial, hurt, or obstacle. I know that God knew what He was doing because my husband & are so complementary in how we support each other. I wouldn’t trade my husband for the world!

But I didn’t know then.

I just had to blindly trust that if God was not going to give me peace, He had a reason.

God Always Knows… God Always Has a Plan… And He Loves Us Unconditionally

I lost someone I loved & I grieved for several years as if he had died, but God had a different plan for our lives & I know now that God knew what He was doing all along.

God always knows.

I know our hearts can be convincing, but God sees our full past, present, & future, with every facet & nuance & hidden trauma. He knows our God-given gifting & the plans He has built into our lives & our purpose.

He always knows best.

My love was real, but God knew better than me.

And I am so glad that I trusted God above my love for the man I loved so much.

Thankful I Listened

I will never stop praying for that man because of how much he once meant to me, but I know 100% that God had a better plan for the both of us & I am so thankful that I listened to God’s nudging on my heart to let go & trust God instead of my heart.

Always trust God before emotions, desires, & dreams… He always knows best.

He knows YOU best & He knows what is best for YOU. Trust Him first, always.

Shine hope, by bowing your will to His way & trusting Him with every step, every desire, every hurt, & every love. God’s got you.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Holly Necklace

Co-Founder Holly’s passion is to empower women to be all God created them to be & to live out their potential. Whether in the brothels of Asia to hometown USA, her desire is to see women live out their calling with pride & dignity. This piece is a reflection of the pride & skills a woman rescued from the brothels has when given the opportunity. A delicate piece, this golden/pink druzy necklace sparkles in the light.

Artisan Information:

In Asia, poverty leads many women to be sexually exploited in brothels. These women want to provide for their families but have so few options. But through your purchase, women are being rescued from these brothels & rehabilitated. Holistic care is given to these women, including a shelter, job training, healthcare, counseling, & educational grants for themselves & their children. You can help these women experience restoration for their future!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Asia!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

I Understand When… 

Wow, that’s quite a statement, isn’t it? “Obeying God, even when we don’t believe Him?”

Now, I get obeying Him when it comes to serving the poor, being gentle & gracious to others, etc. etc. flowers & rainbows.

I even get obeying Him when it’s hard, but when I can also see it being necessary, like surrendering my stress & trials to Him instead of attempting to do it myself….

It may take me some time, but I can wrap my mind around & accept obeying Him in those situations & on those terms.

But…

As humans, it is our nature to assess the world around us & to consequently establish judgements about what we believe in or what we should do about a certain situation… And act accordingly.

But God asks us to obey Him, even when we DON’T believe Him.

That right there is quite the challenge for me (& that’s putting it lightly).

We (or maybe it’s just me) like to pick out the verses that sound great to us… or those that benefit us… or those that make sense to us… & the rest… well, we sometimes, maybe neglect those completely.

Candy Bowl of Goodness

It’s easy to picture God’s Word as a candy bowl, an analogy I read recently, where we pick out the pieces that look good to us & sort of avoid the rest.

But God’s Word can be trusted through & through. Not because it makes sense to us & not even because we necessarily have to agree with all of it… But because it’s GOD’S WORD.

As the Creator of the Universe (including us, by the way), Lord of lords, King of Kings, Alpha (beginning) & the Omega (end)… He knows what He’s talking about.

And we don’t always have to “get it” for it to still be the Word of God.

Not a Genie… but, GOD

He offers so many promises of blessings, including the free gift of salvation & redemption of our wrongs, but He is still God… not our genie.

I am sure my Mom will be quick to tell you that I am a stubborn person & quite strong-willed, in most cases, (mothering me was quite the task, wasn’t it, Mom? Phew!) & I don’t like supporting or doing anything that goes against what I feel is right or fair… or what I want, to be frank.

But even when we DON’T believe Him & when we can’t seem to agree with Him, God still asks us to obey Him anyway.

That right there is one tough pill to swallow & it has been one of this biggest causes for rifts in my relationship with God.

Quick Detour

Now don’t get me wrong, God doesn’t want us to be blindly following Him as the dictator over our lives, never allowing us to question or doubt. He understands that we are finite in our understanding. He understands questions.

So ask them.

If you don’t understand why God says a certain thing, ask Him for wisdom & insight. Ask Him to teach you how to trust Him.

He can handle it.

But it’s not okay to just do what we want just because we don’t understand, without bothering to bow before Him & ask for wisdom & understanding of His will–because He is still God, & we are not.

There is so much I DO love about what God’s Word teaches us, though, without a doubt….

What I Love

I love that He forgives. I love that He is patient with me & He loves me. I love that He gives us a new beginning & works to see our potential blossom for His glory. I love that He offers us so much help & security & peace when we turn to Him in trials. I love that He offers abundant life & an opportunity to guide us into a life of blessing others each day. I love His never-ending patience with my stubborn heart.

I love all of those things!

But, Again…

But… I don’t really like obeying things on which I cannot put my own personal stamp of approval or understanding.

I like to read His Word, match it against all of my earthly, limited understanding about the world, & then decide for myself which I should obey or ignore.

Because I obviously know way better than God does.

Wait….

Ouch

Yeah, it sounds stupid when I say it like that… but isn’t that what I am essentially saying, when I pick & choose my “Choose My Own Religion” concepts to either obey or discard?

To have this abundant life that He promises… To see the potential that He uniquely created within each of us… To really be a blessing & a light to the world around us, we have to stop picking & choosing what we want to obey in God’s Word.

His Word comes as a package deal. It is not meant for snacking on the sweet sections that we like, but rather, the Bible is written as a well-rounded meal meant to nourish & sustain us.

Applies to Everything

I am not going to get into specific areas that people tend to use this method of picking & choosing what they either obey or toss out of God’s Word, because that will probably cause more dissention than edification…

But I think we can all think of one or MANY areas where we tend to do this… (Let’s just focus on ourselves for this, because we can’t parent everyone else.)

When we are faced with those types of situations, it is important for us to be “slow to speak & quick to listen” (James 1:19).

Slow to Speak, Quick to Listen

Many people take this verse to mean that we should be patient with others & become good listeners… But I heard one leader describe it this way (to paraphrase):

“When God asks us to be slow to speak & quick to listen, He is asking us to be careful about speaking up for God. We tend to get fired up about topics & we want to spew what we know about God back at them as a counter argument. But God is complex. His ways our higher than ours. And while we shouldn’t neglect speaking up for Truth, we should be careful in speaking to a specific situation, in God’s name. Unless you see outright harm being done to another person, we need to take the time to step back & ask God to shine wisdom on the situation & to show you the best course of action for that specific situation & even to give you tact & wisdom to know how to respond in a right & effective way. Because while we may think we know & understand a lot, we don’t know or understand everything… Give God a chance to lead the situation with His higher wisdom, for His higher purposes.”

That right there. I need that advice. A LOT.

God’s Got This

Because I may think I know a lot, but I do not understand everything.

But God does.

So, when we are met with a frustrating situation or an injustice or wanting to stand up for what we passionately believe is right… We need to learn the wisdom of stepping back, kneeling in prayer, & asking God to shine His wisdom & Truth into our hearts so that we can address the situation in a way that honors God & respects the situation from angles you may not understand.

God is enough, Lovely. We may not understand everything, but that’s okay because God does & He is fully worthy of our trust & obedience.

In Everything, for Our Good

I read a verse yesterday that really spoke to this Truth:

“Now if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort & salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer. Or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort and salvation.” (2 Corinthians 1:6)

You see, whether we are facing something difficult or whether we are comforted, God intends it all for our good.

He can be trusted whether we agree with or understand Him… or not, because He is a Good God. And even if we struggle believing that, He is still God & He knows how He designed this world to work best.

So entrust your worries & frustrations & injustices to Him & ask for His wisdom & grace to be poured into the situation, instead of agonizing over how you believe it should work.

Ask Him

And when you come across something in the Bible that you don’t understand or agree with, ask Him to help you understand it. Ask Him to give you wisdom. Ask Him to give you faith, even when yours might feel miniscule.

Because God is enough to fill in the gaps of misunderstandings & shortcomings. And He is enough to know what is the right way, even when we don’t always understand or think we agree.

Just Trust… & Obey.

Shine Hope, Lovely… Wherever God has you in life right now… Shine HOPE.

Coming Next Week

Check back here this Thursday for our Monthly Special Feature post (every last Thursday of the month), where I share something a little different than usual.

I like to share helpful tips & tricks, share about my life in Japan, & write short stories & poems… & this is a fun way that I can share them with you & allow you to see a different part of me. I hope you enjoy!

ALSO, join me Next Monday morning for my next encouraging blog post & make sure you subscribe so you don’t miss it!!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Jeweled Necklace

Wear this necklace long or doubled. Made out of iron wire, glass beads, and nickel-free plating.

Artisan Information:

The poverty cycle in India continues primarily because of the lack of education. Most schools are not free or affordable. Therefore, many children never learn to read or write and grow up with limited opportunities. However, every purchase of this product empowers women to provide for their children and send them to school! You have the opportunity to end poverty and create an impact for generations to come!

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in India!

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE, Lovely!

Just Start

Have you ever felt like you just HAD to start something, but you felt completely inadequate for it?

Or maybe you literally had to start something (ie. Parenting), but you felt completely inadequate & unprepared for it?

Well, that’s me with this blog.

Stepping Out of Comfort Zones

I had this spark inside of me that said I NEEDED to do this blog.

I saw the darkness of this world & I understood that the world needs significantly more hope & light in it, & then I realized that I had to do whatever it took to make that happen, even if in some small way.

Not because I am a good person. Not because I am so wise & capable, but rather because I am not–& because I realize that I am not.

I need encouragement just like the next person. I fail. I fall short. I feel weak & insignificant. I am not enough.

But the world needs hope.

They NEED it.

Hope is Like Oxygen-It Gives Life

And to keep its source quiet & to cover up the light that shines in my own heart felt impossible. People need hope like air to breathe. They may not realize it, but everyone needs it.

Because we have limitations & weaknesses, we all come to the end of ourselves at times. But we try to pick ourselves back up. We try to be stronger. And sometimes, we give up.

We need HOPE.

Like oxygen.

You can “hold your breath” for a little while, but it will catch up to you… that need for hope.

Realizing My Need for God

God has shown me the end of myself, frequently, in these last many months.

He has shown me how self-concerned I am & how determined I am to rely on myself versus turning to Him as my wisdom, strength, & direction (*& HOPE).

When I have crashed & burned, I have wanted to quit, throw in the towel, & just never try again. I have felt battered & bruised & flat out DONE. I have been selfish.

Have you ever felt this way?

God Knows I Need It

But here’s the kicker….

God knew I needed to get knocked down these seemingly infinite times.

Because you know what is happening?

I am realizing the hidden sin I harbor in my heart. I have noticed my blatant disregard for listening to or obeying God when I am not comfortable & happy.

I have noticed how selfish & proud I am with my life & my happiness.

I have noticed how HUMAN I really am, just like everyone else, & it is so, so humbling.

“Neither”

Another thing that struck me out of nowhere was a little verse that I was reminded of at church, in Joshua 5…. Let me tell you the story.

Picture this… There is a man afraid of an oncoming enemy, set on destroying them all. The angel “commander of the Lord’s army” comes to him & this man’s question to the angel is this, “Are you on our side or theirs?” The angel’s response? “Neither.”

Wow. Ouch.

What a slap in the face.

That reality hit me hard.

All for God’s Glory? Or Ours?

How often do we sincerely, honestly, without ulterior motives, request for us to honor GOD’s will & to glorify GOD in every situation?

How often do we pray, not for our own comfort & happiness, but for the freedom & redemption of others & for God to receive the glory in every situation, even if it means a lack of comfort for ourselves?

How often do we lay our desires & dreams & aspirations & desperation at God’s feet, lay all of it out as a request to God, & finish with, “but let Thy will be done”?

For me, lately? Not often, I admit.

It’s Hard to See Past What We Want

With my years of living in mostly solitude, with loneliness an ever-nagging cut in my heart, I prayed for friends & comfort & happiness.

With the hardships of living in a foreign atmosphere, I prayed for comfort & escape from the stressors.

With wanting to be a size two, so that I don’t receive constant perceived & actual criticisms & judgments from others, I have prayed that God make me skinny & pretty (Versus healthy & a good steward of the body God has given me).

With ever-unanswered prayers for children, I got hurt by God’s apparent “no” & prayed for it to happen anyway, through tears of frustration.

With the struggles of insecurity & inadequacy & fears, I have prayed that God would give me peace to just quit reaching out–so I could just be comfortable.

I am the poster child for praying my will above anything else & getting hurt when the answer is “no.”

Changing Perspective

And then that verse….

How often have I cried basically the same cry of frustration & desperation? “Whose side are You on!?!”

But. God.

I should, instead, be praying to learn how to live for GOD’S SIDE.

I Am the Clay

You see, we often overlook one very important thing when we pray…. God is SOVEREIGN.

He is GOD. He is the King of kings, Lord of lords, Creator of the universe, Redeemer of sin debts, Father, Lover of our souls, GOD OF ALL.

He doesn’t answer to us.

He chooses to bless us & help us & love us with blessings. He promises to be our strength & to give us peace & to renew our hearts & minds with a clean slate. He gives us SO MUCH.

But HE. IS. STILL. GOD.

Letting Him Rule Our Hearts

It’s hard to live in disappointment when you measure all prayers against that very important fact.

God is GOD & we are not.

How silly it is for me to tell God “how it should be” when He sees all & knows all & sees how it all fits together from the beginning of time to the end.

He knows much better than we do of what we need & what we think we need, but which will actually harm us in the end.

He is Worth It All

He is worth trusting.

He is worth laying all of our cries of desperation & longing at His capable & loving & all-knowing “feet”.

He is so so so so so so so worth it.

To Sum It All Up

So, here’s my encouragement for you today….

Do you have hidden (or obvious) sins in your life that you excuse away? Do you have dreams that are more important to you than anything? Do you have hurts that ache you to the core & make you want to stay in bed forever? Do you feel weak & incapable? Do you have longings that cut you deeply, even understandable ones?

Then lay them at HIS feet.

Do you trust Him enough to be Lord of your life? Do you trust Him enough to follow Him, hand in hand, through the storms of life? Do you trust Him when the answer is “no”?

Talk to God About It

Say, “God, I want this [or, I want this to end], but I know You are God & I am not. Help me to trust Your will & plan, & help me to trust Your goodness. You know my longing & hurt, but you are Sovereign. Teach me to trust You through this. Keep my eyes on You through the storm. Help me to trust Your way above my own. You have a plan. Reveal to me Your love & goodness despite Your response. To YOU be the glory, forever & ever. Amen.”

That is my prayer lately. As God has been revealing my depravity & the weaknesses that I too often ignore or excuse away, I have been learning to realize that this life isn’t about me… It’s about God. Loving & serving Him with my life to bless the lives around me & shine hope into their lives, is what it’s all about.

To God be the Glory

He is Sovereign. He knows best. May I learn to trust that to the very core of everything I ever believe or desire or hurt over. May I trust my Loving Father, the God of the universe. May He receive all the glory from my efforts.

Amen.

Shine hope, lovelies… But you don’t have to do it alone. God can fill in the gaps. Just trust Him with those gaps & do that thing.

Coming Next Week

Check back next Monday morning for my next post! I am praying for you. I may not know who you are, but I know God has a plan for your life & it is my goal to encourage you, so I am praying for you.

See you next week, Lovely!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I will feature an item that is changing lives. These pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

The Unity Necklace

Upcycled beads made from glass and clay from Haiti’s mountains hang on a silver plated chain.

Artisan Information:

Haiti had this century’s worst natural disaster and is home to almost 500,000 orphans. The majority of the orphans have not been orphaned by parental deaths or natural disasters, but by parents who gave them up simply because they could not feed them. The group we work with is an “un-orphanage” and is helping with the orphan crisis by providing parents with sustainable business through creating products.

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in Haiti!

Shop Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com, & I will message you personally with more information!!

Thank you for inspiring HOPE, Lovely!