What Is Forgiveness?

Maybe you have heard me mention this before, but I have always struggled with this whole topic of forgiveness.

It’s not that I was trying to hold everything against everyone, it’s just that I didn’t understand it.

So, like most things I don’t understand, I have also been praying about it & asking God to help me understand this better.

Is Saying, “I Forgive You” Enough?

When I say that I didn’t really understand forgiveness, one of the reasons for this was because I couldn’t figure out if I was ACTUALLY forgiving someone when I was meaning to.

For example, I understood that saying “I forgive them,” is not the same as actually forgiving them, try as I might to be a “good Christian girl” & “forgive” out loud, it doesn’t count if I am inwardly seething, secretly rooting bitterness in my own heart.

And, since it doesn’t seem to make all the hurt stop when I forgive someone, I wondered if I was ACTUALLY forgiving them or just WANTING to “do the right thing.”

Forgiving Is Hard Sometimes

Another problem I suffered from was not wanting to forgive someone who seemed to not think they needed it one single bit. Say, for example, someone who I believed to love me but who harshly criticized me, thinking it was justified. (See: “Speak the truth, IN LOVE”—NOT one without the other.) (Ephesians 4:14-15)

“Though I speak with the tongues of men & of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.” (1 Corinthians 13:1)

When someone hurts me intentionally or unintentionally hurts me when in a bad mood (collateral damage) & then thinks because they were upset or because whatever reason, it was okay to hurt me… I really struggle to forgive there, if I am honest.

So, on one hand, I actually struggled WANTING to forgive in those situations, while also not being sure whether I forgave truthfully… because I could still feel the pang of deep hurt in my heart when the topic came up.

“The Unforgiving Servant”

I believe I have already covered not WANTING to forgive others, in my previous blog post: “Dealing with Unforgiveness,” based on the parable Jesus told the disciples in Matthew 18:21-35, in talking about how even if the person who hurt me sees complete justification in hurting me because of a “bad day” or whatever, & even if, in seeing their actions as wrong I want to hold on to it & treat their actions with the contempt it deserves… that God ALSO sees it was wrong, DOESN’T need me to hold on to it for Him, AND can handle the situation & their heart-change MUCH better than I can.

THAT is how we can forgive, even when they aren’t remorseful one single bit. Because we can trust a HOLY & JUST God to handle it far better than we ever could…. AND because He forgave US an even bigger debt that was against HIM.

But, that still doesn’t address the other side to my struggle to understand forgiveness: Is it really considered forgiveness, if afterwards I still feel hurt inside my heart? Can I honestly say I have let it go if I am still hurting?

And God has helped me SO much with understanding this very thing.

God Hears Our Prayers & Leads Us

This last Sunday, we weren’t able to attend church because our pastor was sick & these days, you have to be a little extra careful, so, my husband & I tuned in to my parents’ church online.

Back in June/July, we attended Grace Baptist Church, in Virginia, & had the privilege of listening to the pastor’s series then on the Lord’s Prayer, from Matthew 6:5-15. Well, we weren’t around for the entire series (All SO good–convicting AND encouraging), so this past Sunday, I tried to find where we had left off in that series.

But, in God’s perfect providence, I got the date wrong & selected one we had already heard. And guess what the topic was… Yep: FORGIVENESS.

God knows our hearts & what we need! And HE guides us as we seek Him as our help!

Anyway, ten minutes in or so, we figured it out, but we were encouraged by the message & felt it was good & worthy of the reminders, so we continued on anyway… & boy am I so glad we did!

God is so great. I had ALREADY heard this sermon, & yet it somehow took on new life in my heart this time around. (Much like God’s Word! We may not understand something, but the more times we read it through, as we seek His guidance & growth, the more it is illuminated in our hearts. His LIVING Word! (Hebrews 4:12))

I am so thankful for this, because as I listened, God answered my question of how I could say I have forgiven if I still hurt.

(You can find the first sermon in this series by going to Gracehome.org, clicking menu, clicking sermons, & in Categories, beginning on June 6, 2021– or, click HERE to download this particular sermon that I am referencing today.)

How to Know If Your Forgiveness Is Genuine

The pastor reminded us of what forgiveness IS: forgiveness is canceling a debt, saying they don’t owe you for their wrong against you anymore. Forgiveness is taking a loss. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself & to the other person, by not holding it over their head.

But, in forgiving the other person, not holding their wrong against them as a debt owed you, it doesn’t mean there won’t still be a wound left behind that needs healing.

And how do we heal? We take that wound to God & ask Him to help heal you… ask Him for guidance on how to heal that wound.

So, how do you know if you have honestly forgiven someone, versus just SAYING you forgive them because God TELLS us to forgive others? (Matthew 18:21-22; Ephesians 4:32; Matthew 6:14-15)

Ask yourself: “Am I still holding this against them? Do I still feel like they owe me something for this wrong?”

If you answered, “yes,” then you haven’t sincerely forgiven them.

If you answered, “no,” but you still feel a sharp ache left behind in your heart, then ask God to help you address it & heal from the hurt caused you.

God Heals the Brokenhearted

I get it. There are some hurts that run pretty deep in my heart. And although I can honestly say I am not holding it against them anymore, it doesn’t change the fact that their words left scars on my heart that still ache at times.

But God is our Healer. He is wise & able. I can trust Him to heal me & grow me, to work “all things together for the good of those who love Him & are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) I can trust Him.

“He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)

“…being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;….” (Philippians 1:6)

What Does It Mean to Forgive?

If that hurt cuts so deeply that you really wrestle against wanting to forgive that person, I get that… I really do.

But in that unwillingness to forgive, we need to repent. We need to confess that bitterness to God & ask for forgiveness from Him.

We need to be careful not to become the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18, wanting forgiveness, but unwilling to give it. God forgave us SO MUCH. We DESERVE Hell & yet He offers grace through the SACRIFICE of Jesus on our behalf, who DIED for it (& rose again).

God commands us to forgive because He knows we are forgiven despite being undeserving. And because He knows a lack of forgiveness only causes even more pain.

We can trust His judgements. We can trust His will. We can trust His commands.

But even if we don’t FEEL like we can trust Him, we should still obey because feel it or not, HE IS RIGHT… 100% always.

Shine HOPE by offering forgiveness, even if it isn’t deserved, because God in Christ forgave you.

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)

“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

Coming Next Week

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