God Knows That I Need to Know That He’s the One in Control

I like feeling confident… & as someone who struggles with insecurity, finding my confidence feels amazing—like I can do anything.

But typically, my depression battle doesn’t let my confidence stay too long, because when it hits, I lose any & all motivation & feel numbness overtake my ambition. And, of course, satan will jump on any & every opportunity to remind me of my insecurities & exploit those vulnerabilities brought on by my depression.

And, to be honest with you… I often feel—knowing God is in complete control at all times—that God works my depression symptoms for my good so that I can be reminded that I’m not in control, but He is.

Circumstances That Strip Away My Confidence

And then there are circumstances that strip me of my confidence—see “moving back to Guam when I didn’t really want to.”

Or maybe a rude or reckless comment from someone… Or maybe indifference from someone I thought I could turn to for support… Or an illness or injury that knocks me off my feet.

My point is that circumstances come into my life—often unexpectedly—that knock me from my point of confidence.

And I don’t hate it… even though I hate it.

Maybe that sounds contradictory & you’re thinking… “Michelle, you obviously DO hate it if you’re SAYING you hate it.” But here’s the thing: I DO hate the circumstances I sometimes find myself in… but I DON’T necessarily hate that I am in a situation I hate.

Why I Don’t Hate the Circumstances I Hate

If you follow me on social media, you know that every few weeks brings a surrendering post of “I DON’T WANNA! …. BUT, God help me do it anyway.”

I don’t like doing uncomfortable things… like AT ALL. Like trying to make new friends in a new place, or moving to a place I didn’t really want to go to, or being lonely.

I don’t like feeling discomfort at all. Whether it’s editing my blog to ready it for publishing versus sprawling in my pjs to binge tv, or whether it’s confronting a hard situation I would rather avoid.

I don’t like feeling insecure. (Although I feel I have so MANY reasons to feel insecurity–has anyone tried having small talk with me & has left feeling SO awkward? You’re welcome.)

I don’t like facing things I don’t like… Like speaking up with Truth when I would rather blend in to the background, or allowing myself to be vulnerable so that people can see His glory in my failings.

And sometimes, I quite literally feel like I even HATE my circumstances…

BUT, in those hated circumstances, I can feel God beckoning me, reminding me (convicting my heart, really), that my reactions to those circumstances really reveal that I need more trust in HIM & less on myself.

And being brought humbly back under that perspective is a true & powerful comfort.

My Depression Leads Me (Often Unwillingly) to Humility

I shared a memory recently on my social media, talking about my depression—how sometimes I feel so drained of energy & motivation & care for anything at all really… & how in those times, I have learned I need to pray & ask God for help… but that on that particular day, I actually felt WORSE AFTER I prayed to God.

I didn’t get it. I was frustrated, angry, & felt like God just turned His back on me in my time of need.

It hurt.

So I continued to beg God for help, feeling like just quitting & giving up on my day’s productivity altogether in response to His seeming silence for my request.

And I felt His gentle whisper over my heart, a reminder that there was the problem—I wanted God to answer my prayer by giving me my strength back—my confidence, my ability to do it myself, my control in the situation—versus wanting to rely only on HIS strength.

I wanted MY confidence in ME to come back. But God knew better. He knew I really needed my confidence in HIM back.

“God, EVEN IF…”

I need to learn to say to Him, “God, EVEN IF it’s hard. EVEN IF it doesn’t get any easier. EVEN IF it sucks every single second… I will choose to praise You because I know YOUR STRENGTH is enough to carry me through moment-by-moment, EVEN IF I don’t get MY strength back.”

I hate not feeling control… like I can’t just FIX something… like I can’t overcome it.

I hate feeling like it’s not up to me… like I have no say… like I’m not enough.

I hate going where I don’t want to go… I hate facing trials & unknowns that I would prefer to avoid… I hate the things that I hate.

But I DON’T hate them, because they force me to reevaluate where my trust lies—Is it in ME? Or is it in HIM? “God, EVEN IF…”

I am NOT Enough–& I Was Never Meant to Be!

So if you ask me why I don’t hate the circumstances I hate… those circumstances I hate force me to humility… to recognize my need for Him… to rely on HIM INSTEAD.

It’s not fun & it flat out feels TERRIBLE & TERRIFYING sometimes… but the result is a renewed realization that EVEN IF—HE’S GOT IT COVERED & I CAN REST IN HIM COMPLETELY.

Give up the “I am Enough” quotes. Quit misleading others by telling them God says THEY are enough—what a terrible burden that cannot be relied upon!

Instead, tell them HE is enough.

That even if they hate their circumstances… they don’t have to hate them.

That even in those circumstances that they hate—the wonderful truth is that God can use them to bring them into a humbled reliance on their Savior, where peace thrives.

I am not enough. Not even close. One sign of struggle & I am either complaining in frustration or I am bumbling through sobs of despair. I am prone to quitting as my default. I HATE struggles.

But I don’t hate them.

Love Having Your Confidence in HIM

Do you struggle with this, too? Do you like feeling self-confidence more than relying completely & only on Him? Do you need this reminder to view differently those circumstances that you hate?

I love feeling confident. But I love having my confidence in HIM even more… because EVEN IF all fails & falls apart… I can rest in my LORD GOD ALMIGHTY Who LOVED me (& you!) SO much that He made a Way to pay my debt to Him, through Jesus. (John 3:16-17)

Shine HOPE by taking the circumstances you hate to Him & by learning not to hate them for their impactful ability to remind you where to recalibrate your trust—in Him versus in yourself.

Coming Next Week

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As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

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Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Huipil Saddle Bag (Guatemala)

Artisans in Guatemala handcraft this colorful, eco-friendly saddle bag design from genuine leather & upcycled Mayan Huipil – the beautiful traditional blouses worn by women in Guatemala to signify which village they call home. Each bag is one of a kind, as the front features Huipil colors, patterns, & motifs that are unique to each woman’s village.

Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages for women in areas of extreme poverty in Guatemala.

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SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

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Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!