”… the More Wretched I Realize I Am”
Something I find myself quoting pretty regularly these days is something I heard in the past months that really stuck with me, something like: “The holier I become, the more wretched I realize I am.”
In other words, the more that I strive to be more like Jesus, the more that I recognize how far from being like Jesus I am.
But something that I find inexplicably cool is the harmony in that as I strive toward holiness, thus recognizing more & more just how wretched I truly am… it only continues to solidify in my heart just how deserving of praise God is. It humbles me, but leaves me feeling secure despite it, prompting praise for the sacrifice Jesus gave to save a sinner like me.
It is not a recognition that spurs shame, but one that spurs praise.
I don’t deserve Him. I don’t deserve for God to forgive me or for Him to even give me a second thought. I am lower than a flea. A fraction of a drop in a bucket compared to His vast eternal presence. And yet….
Such a beautiful thing to ground you in this life. To humble you. To sober you. To set your mind right. To press you to praise Him.
”Be Holy, for I [God] Am Holy”
Growing up, I would hear, “be holy, for I am holy,” (1 Peter 1:16) & I would recoil, cringe, & bristle. It felt so unattainable, so out of reach, so impossible, too high a request. And anything that sounds impossible, when asked of me just makes me want to pretend I didn’t hear it, plug my ears, close my eyes tightly, & back away slowly as if it was never said.
Holiness? ME?
When I hear the word HOLY, I think absolutely perfect, zero flaws, zero mistakes, no room for error, never messing up, never getting anything wrong. That sounded terrifyingly impossible to me. I was scared that if I thought about it too much, I would worry that I can’t ever ACTUALLY BE saved because I knew I could never measure up to that. I was too weak & easily deceived. The word holiness scared me.
We Were Never Meant to Do It Alone
But, between reading influence from Andrew Murray’s book on Prayer, where he talked about how often Christians burn out trying to be good enough for God, when God never asked us to do it in our OWN willpower, but in fact, consistently reminds us to do everything “in faith [in God’s help], through faith [in God’s help], by God, through God, in prayer [asking for God’s help].” Basically, hammering in the fact that WE CANNOT LIVE GOD’S WAY WITHOUT GOD’S HELP.
And then, reading one of my other absolute favorite books: “The Pursuit of Holiness,” by Jerry Bridges, where he gently, & full of grace, walks through what it looks like to pursue holiness, basically to live everything you do through the lens of, “what would honor God most in this situation?” Not that you will get it right every time, or always know or choose what’s best, but that you live with that lens that seeks to please God with your life in all that you do, big or small.
Reading those 2 books really took away the fear over the word holiness for me… because, 1. It is not meant to be through MY perfection or willpower, but by learning to rely on HIS…. & 2. It is not about knowing everything there is to know & never ever messing up, but about living every moment learning how to do life with the perspective of, “what would please God most here?” A growing process, with God’s help.
(PLEASE GO READ THOSE 2 BOOKS! You can find more information about them on my “Recommended by Michelle” tab of my website.)
My Human, Fleshly Go-To Is NOT “How Will This Best Please GOD,” But Rather, “How Will This Best Please ME?”
Some seasons, I really wonder how God has not given up on me by now. I know, you may not know me well, & you may see me from a distance, writing all these blog posts every week & providing resources, & volunteering with different ministry opportunities at church & think I must at least have it more together than you do… but if you only knew.
My human fleshly go-to is not “how will this best please GOD,” but rather, “how will this best please ME?” EVERY DAY sometimes requires a quick lowering of my head in AGAIN recognized defeat, praying silently, “God, please set my heart straight. I’m sorry.”
It is not my gut response to want holiness. It is to want ME… to want comfort & ease, & ME.
Some days, it is easier. Some days I am in awe of Him & am fresh from seeing Him work in some awesome way in my life or in someone else’s life & I am eager to live my all for Him.
But that is not every day. And in some darker seasons in my life, where it is marked with much more pain than happy moments, it’s honestly a rarity. It becomes more of a silently whimpered, “Help. I just want easy. Help. I want to honor You, but I just want some easy again. Help me want You more than that. Please help me want what’s better. Help me please, because all I want is the end of this, when I know what I really actually need is You. Please help me want You more. Help me, please.”
Dying to Self Is Not Easy… It Is Worth It
I am selfish. I am self-seeking. I want comfort & ease. I want to rely on the blessings of God more than I rely on HIM. I want to not be stretched or challenged. I want what comes easily to me. And I have to sometimes moment-by-moment learn to lay that down. To offer it as my sacrifice to Him to want Him more, even when I’m not sure I believe it sometimes because of how badly & desperately I think I need what I want instead.
I have to learn to die to myself. And that is not at all comfortable.
I am wretched. More than you know. HE knows, though
I can’t earn Him. I have nothing of value I can offer Him. I fail Him constantly. I fall short of His glory every single day. I don’t give myself & my life to Him as He deserves. I hold back from Him. I doubt Him sometimes. I am not worthy. I am wretched.
And yet….
Jesus.
Wretched & Wholly Forgiven
How can I be who I am & be so fully loved by God? So wholly forgiven by God?
Jesus.
Because of Jesus, even being wretched, I am wholly forgiven. A beautifully possible impossibility.
I fail Him EVERY day. And yet, JESUS.
Do you see how equally humbling & freeing & praise-inducing that reality is?!?
The Beautifully Possible Impossibility
I WANT to be holy now. I don’t fear that word anymore because I know that my standing before God is secured not through myself, but through JESUS CHRIST, & that ANYTHING He asks of me, He equally promises to HELP ME LIVE it… because I surely could never hope to achieve it on my own or in my own strength.
PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!!!
Wretched & wholly forgiven! The beautifully possible impossibility!!
Shine HOPE by taking your wretchedness to the cross of Jesus Christ, trading in your sin for His forgiveness & hope, not fearing a life seeking holiness for Christ’s sake, knowing full well that you are then fully forgiven & that God promises to help you come what may as you seek to live in a way that pleases & honors His name. So, pursue holiness!
Coming Next Week
Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.
As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.
Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week.
A Note from Michelle:
This blog/website has been running for SEVEN years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3
If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3
Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!
Fashion as a Force for GOOD:
Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!
Coral Sunset Earrings (INDIA)
These stunning Coral Sunset Earrings are handcrafted in India where they are committed to fighting child marriage and helping women become financially independent as fair-trade Artisans. Featuring a vibrant coral raffia oval shape with a hammered gold-tone metal piece, this look is perfect to make a fair-trade fashion statement this summer.
***Purchase these beautifully handcrafted Coral Sunset Earrings, using the “Shop Here” link below, to provide safe jobs with fair wages for women in areas of extreme poverty in India.***
How You Can Help:
SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!
Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me to continue supporting them as well as continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win win!
